Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Ugly Duckling - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Sputters]

[Hissing]

[Whistling]

Darling. Darling, wake up.

What's the matter?

There's somebody
whistling up our pole.

It's probably a bird.

Wearing a brown suit?

Somebody's using our phone.

The Monroe brothers were
supposed to fix this door!



Well, they're going to
when they come today.

They better.

Mr. haney!

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Did you see a pair of pliers?

Yeah, you dropped
them on my head!

Any idea
where they bounced?

What are you doing up there?

Uh, disconnecting your phone.

Leave that alone! Come on,
get down out of there!

Darling, who was it?

Oh! Hello, Mr. haney.

Good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

What do you want
for breakfast, darling?

Oh, anything at all.

She's not
talking to you.

Darling, he can stay.

Thank you.

I'll cook some hotcakes.

On second thought,
i just remembered
a previous appointment.

Uh, me, too.

You'll stay.

Where do you think
you're going?

Oh.

My card.

Haney collection service?

Mr. Douglas,

you ain't paid
your phone bill in 3 months.

And the hooterville
phone company have
turned it over to me

with orders
to collect or disconnect.

You are neither collecting
nor disconnecting.

A year ago the phone company
put a phone in my kitchen.

They're supposed to run
a wire from the pole
into the telephone,

and until they do
i am not paying the bill.

Mr. Douglas,
I'm surprised at you.

You don't look like
the kind of man to me

that would raise a fuss about
a paltry $928 phone bill.

It is not the money,
it's the prin... $928?

The service costs
$2.85 a month.

For 3 months that's--

well, now,
you made a few toll calls.

Oh, I did? To where?

Paris, France,

Rome, Italy, Vienna, Austria.

I never called...

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, Lisa.

Yes, darling.

Did you call anyone in Paris?

Oui.

How about Rome?

Si.

Vienna?

Ja.

I'll take a check
as long as it's certified.

You are not getting anything.

You tell the phone company
that I want that wire
run into the house.

And if I don't get it,
I'm gonna take their case

before the public
utilities commission

to see why a company
that is run so inefficiently,

should not have
its franchise revoked.

I'll give 'em your message.

Just before I snip the wire.

Off!

Mr. Douglas,
i wish you wouldn't do that.

It ain't good for
the dignity of the hooterville
telephone company.

Or my pants, either.

Get off of my property!

The hooterville telephone--

off!

And you tell that company,
if they are looking
for a fight,

I'm just the fellow
that can give it to 'em!

Look,
all those calls to Europe.
Who did you call in Paris?

Your mother in New York.

What?

But except it was a mistake.
I had trouble with
the gidget dialing system.

Digit.

Oh, gidget, digit gadget.

Anyway, I dialed
your mother in New York,

and this woman answered
and she said
it was Paris, France,

so I thought as long as I go
that far, I might as well
talk to Pierre.

Who's Pierre?

The famous chef.
Except he wasn't there,
he was in Rome.

And you called Rome?

Si.

Lisa, 900--

mornin'.

Breakfast ready?
Yes.

Well, let's have the hotcakes
and get it over with.

We're not having
any hotcakes this morning.

No hotcakes?

I made something different.

Hey, wonderful.

Let's not go off half-cocked
till we get a look at it.

Knock it off.
Anything's better
than the hotcakes.

Here we are.

Any hotcakes left over
from yesterday?

You don't like it?

I don't know.
What is it?

Well,
what does it look like?

It looks like
a boa constrictor with lumps.

That's the last time
i ever cook you
a Spanish omelet.

That's a Spanish omelet?

Si.

Can't you tell?

That is an onion,
that is a tomato,
and that's a green pepper.

Lisa.

You're supposed
to chop 'em up.

Well, Pierre didn't tell me
that when I finally
talked to him in Vienna.

Vienna!

Ja.

Lisa, when are you
gonna learn to cook?

don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Sounds like yelling to me.

You stay outta this.

Now you're yelling at eb.
You yelled at Mr. haney.

Is that why
he hit you in the nose?

I bumped into a pole.

Anyway,
it's time I started
yelling around here.

I bought this place
to do a little farming.

I spend my time tryin'
to fix up the house,
get the electricity on,

the water on, I never have
any time in the fields.

That's lucky
for the fields.

Touche!

don't you touche me.

6 months ago, I asked you
to fix the roof on the barn.

You didn't tell me to do it.
You told the Monroe brothers.

Well, come on, Ralph.
Get out.

I'm not moving.

Ow!

Oh, there you are.

Uh-oh,
it's the hothead.

It's 8:00.

Are you two planning on doing
only a half a day's work?

I'm ready,
but Ralph's havin'
a psychological crisis.

[Sobbing]

What's the matter with her?

She had a date
with Mr. kimball, and
he stood her up last night.

So he stood her up.

This is the 8th time.

[Bawling]

That's all I need today,
a crying lady carpenter.

We Monroe's
are very emotional.

Yeah, yes, I'm not
interested. Now, Ralph.

Uh, we all have
our disappointments.

Now, a little work
is gonna take
your mind off things.

Here, come on,
get out.

Ooh!

Me, too.

Ooh, if there were
any other carpenters
in hooterville.

Kinda gives us
the upper hand.

There's nothing
to keep you
from working.

I'll be lonesome by myself.
Cry a little.

[Wailing]

Not you.

Darling,
why did you hit Ralph?

I didn't hit Ralph.

I just told her
she should get out of the car
and do a day's work.

I'm not gonna do it!

Oh, Ralph, darling.
What's the matter?
Come out.

Men.

Oh, them.

They're always
standing me up.

What's wrong with me?

Nobody wants me.

I'm never
gonna get married.

Oh, now,
that's silly.

Surely there'll be
somebody that'll marry you.

Would you marry me?

Well, uh...

See?
I've lost another one.

If you had gotten
to him first,
you could have had him.

He was easy.

What do you mean I was easy?

I know why men don't want me.

They don't think of me
as a woman.

To other women,
they sing love songs.

To me they sing,
for he's
a jolly good fellow.

[Sobbing]

There is
nothing wrong with you

that a little work
wouldn't fix up.

There's nothing wrong
with our bedroom that
a little work wouldn't fix.

Mrs. Douglas, if you could
show me how to be feminine,

I'd do anything.

Would you fix the bedroom?

Anything.

Show her how.

Uh, but don't take
more than half an hour.

Ok, I think we better start
with the makeup first.

Oh, couldn't we start
with the clothes?
I like this one.

It doesn't match your eyes.

Matches one of 'em.

Stop it. Come on.

Now, we start with the makeup.
Come on, sit down.

Well,
this we don't need.

And let's see.

Is there any hope?

Yeah, they're inventing
new miracle drugs every day.

I'm gonna belt you
right in the...

don't let him upset you.
Come on, sit down.

Alf, I think you
better wait outside.

What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be
fixing the bedroom?

I've been evicted.
Ralph's trying on
some of your wife's dresses.

Oh, for the love of--

Mr. Douglas?

No, I'm the carpenter.
That's Mr. Douglas.

Yes, uh,
something I can do for you?

Haney was right,
you do look like a sorehead.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you made such a fuss,
i had to leave my plowin'

and get all dressed up
to come over here.

Who are you?

I'm the chairman of the board
of the hooterville phone
company. My name is trendell.

Oh, well, hello.

Finally, we're getting
some action around here.

Well,
i can't promise nothing.

You may have
a legitimate complaint.

Then again,
you may be another crackpot.

I have a legitimate
complaint. That!

Oh, you don't like
the color of the phone, uh?

Yes, I like the color--

how'd you wangle one of
our pole phones? We got
a waiting line for them.

All I want from you
is for you to get
the phone inside the house.

Well, we don't put
that kind of a phone
inside houses.

I've got a phone
inside the house.

Then what are you raising
such a ruckus about?

Come on, I'll show you.

You'd better not
go in there,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh. Oh, yes,
Ralph is trying on
some of my wife's dresses.

Ralph?

Uh, Ralph Monroe.
The carpenter.

I thought he was
the carpenter.

No, Ralph's my brother.

My wife is trying
to make a lady out of him.

Uh, it, uh...

Mr. kimball stood Ralph up
last night and Ralph's been
crying ever since.

Ple--please, stay out of this.

Ralph is her brother,
i mean, uh, no,
she's his, uh...

Come on,
I'll show you the phone.

...finally gonna run a line
from the telephone pole
into the kitchen.

The man'll be here
in a day or two.
We're making progress.

All we gotta do
is worry about the bedroom.

How are we doing with, uh,
with Ralph? Where is she?

She's taking a bubble bath.

A bubble bath?

Well, beauty is skin-deep,
and hers needed a few bubbles.

I thought all
you were gonna do is

slap a little makeup
on her, put a dress on--

darling, there's more
to being a woman than

slapping on some makeup
and putting on a dress.

I have to teach her
how to walk, how to act.

So that Mr. kimball
will get attracted to her.

Couldn't you just
spray her with something?

Oliver!

Well, I want to get
the bedroom finished.

How long is it
going to take to get Ralph
into any kind of...

Let me put it another way.

Take an hour and a half.

Darling, Ralph asked me
to help her, and I'm going to.

And it's going to take
a little longer
than I thought.

Now, do you mind if she
moves in for a couple of days?

[Sighs]

All right,
let her move in.

Oh, thank you.

I'll help you pack.

Pack?

Where am I going?

Darling, we only have
one bedroom,

so Ralph has
to sleep with me and--

and you can sleep with eb
above the barn.

I'm gonna sleep
in the barn with eb?

Welcome aboard, Mr. Douglas.
Yeah.

You can have that side.
Huh? Oh, thanks.

A couple of things
i ought to tell you.

What-- ooh!

That's one of 'em.

[Screams]

That's the other thing
i wanted to tell you about.

Never turn your back
on Eloise.

Then get rid of her.

Get in your sleeping bag.

You wanna read?

No, I wanna go to sleep.

Turn out the light.

It's your turn.

What?

I sleep here all the time.
You just got here.

[Thudding]

Mr. Douglas? Mr. Douglas?

Doggone,
he sure went to sleep fast.

[Crowing]

Lisa? Lisa. I--

shh. You're disturbing
Ralph's beauty sleep.

She could sleep for 6 years,
it wouldn't make any--

darling,
what's the matter with you?
You're so grumpy.

Didn't you sleep well?

I don't know,
i was unconscious
most of the time.

What?

Oh, I bumped my head
on the...

Oh, you poor darling.

Take a nice cold shower
and you'll feel better.

Yes,
i feel better already.

Hey, who's in here?

(Ralph)
Me. I'm taking a bubble bath.

Is she gonna bubble everyday?

Mmm-hmm.

Go on, darling.

No, I am not going
to sleep up there again.

But it's only
for a few more nights.

A few more nights?

All right, all right.
Just one more night.

Good night.

Uh-uh-uh,
up the ladder.

[Oliver yells]

The least he could've done
was turn the light off
before he left.

Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry,
darling.

Well, careful.
I think it's sprained.

I--i don't understand
how you hurt your wrist,

when you fell
on your head.

I didn't fall on my head.

Well, there's
a big bump up there.

That's from the first night.

Then you must be
much more careful tonight.

Lisa, I have slept up there
for the last night.

Look, all she wants is
a date with kimball, right?

Right.

All right.
Tell her she's got it.

I promise. I'll deliver him
to her personally.

But she isn't
ready for him yet.

She's as ready
as she'll ever be.

Just put her together in
some kind of a tidy package

that won't fall apart
for a couple of hours

and let nature
take its course.

Ahh!
Ow!

Ah!

Mr. Douglas.
This is a surprise.

Well, it's not exactly
a surprise.

Nobody sang
happy birthday
or anything.

[Both laugh]

Well, Mr. kimball,
i have a problem.

Yes, you do.
There were 3 tomatoes
on that chair.

What happened to 'em?
No, that was yesterday.

Or was it an eggplant?

Mr. kimball.

I need your help.

That's why I'm here.

It's a personal problem.

Oh.

How long you been drinking?

It's not a drinking problem.

Oh, well,
i noticed that
your nose was red

oh, well,
i--i bumped into a pole.

How'd you hurt your wrist?

I rolled out of bed
and fell out of the loft
in the barn.

And you don't think you
have a drinking problem?

I don't have
a drinking problem!

Uh, look,
let me put it this way.

How would you like
to come to dinner tonight?

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Yeah, there's nothing like
a home-cooked meal.

And Mrs. Douglas
is a wonderful...

Can I come over
after dinner?

Ah, if it's the hotcakes
you are worried about,

Mrs. Douglas has learned
to cook something else.

What?

How does
a Spanish omelet strike you?

Gee, i--i don't know,
I've never been
struck with one.

Oh, you mean
would I like a...

Oh, yes, uh,
it's better than
going home for dinner.

You see,
every night when I get there,

Ralph is waiting for me
at the front gate and well,

kinda kills my appetite.

Uh, shall we say 6:00?

6:00 would be fine.
What night?

Tonight.

Oh, I better
make a note of that.

Tonight.

[Sighs]

Whose house? Oh, well,
i suppose I'll find out
when I get there.

Just to be on the safe side,
I'll pick you up.

There you are.

Now, open your eyes.

Both of them.

This one's stuck.

Well, give it a little push.

[Ripping]

Oh, look at me.

I'm beautiful!

Well, we have to fix
your hair, and--and get
you a right dress.

You think hankie
will like me?

Oh, of course
he'll like you.

You think he'll
propose to me?

Well, that's a different
matter. For that we need
another fellow.

But it's him I adore.

I know, but we need
another fellow
for the come on.

I don't understand.

Well, you see, every man wants
what the other man has.

Now, if nobody wants you,
why should Mr. kimball?

But if there was another man
that wanted you,

then he would want you, too,
because that's
the way men work.

Oh, to make him jealous.

Well, that will be
the ideal way to catch him.

Yes, but where are we
going to find another man?

[Knocking]

Oh, gosh!
Is that hankie?

No-no, don't panic.

[Gasps]

Yes?

I'm from the phone company.
I'm here to run a line from--

are you married?
No, ma'am.

I have to put this line--
then you'll stay for dinner.

But I just came to put the--
what's your name?

Tom Blackwell, but i--

give me your things,
you can wash up
on the back porch.

Well, sir,
come right in, Mr. kimball.

Make yourself to home.

Anyway...

Uh, how do you do?

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, I'm tom Blackwell.

Oh. I'm Oliver Douglas.

Oh, Mr. Douglas. Your--

hello, Mr. kimball.

How are you,
Mrs. Douglas?

I'm fine.
Uh, have you met
Mr. Blackwell?

Well, I've--

Mr. Blackwell,
this is Mr. kimball.

And Mr. kimball,
this is Mr. Blackwell.

Dinner is ready.

Oh, after you,
Mr. uh, uh...

Blackwell.

Who's that?

That's Mr. Blackwell.

Oh, Mr. kimball,
you sit there.

And Mr. Blackwell,
you sit there.

Oh, darling,
you and I are eating out.

What? You and i--

would you please
light the candles?

Would you mind
telling me...

(Oliver)
I can't see.
Turn on the light.

[Yells]

Where did
you come from?

I was hiding
behind the door.

Say, have I...

Your voice sounds...

Howdy doody, hankie.

Oh, boy.

Tom, may I present
your girlfriend, miss Monroe.

How do you do?

[Popping]

Uh, Mrs. Douglas i--

oh, she's
your girlfriend.

Now, don't be jealous,
Mr. kimball.

Jealous?

Congratulations, old man.

Well, not congratulations.

Look, I just came to--

a-are you trying
to make him--

darling, uh,
wait in the car outside.

Look. Look what your
boyfriend tom brought you.

Oh, they're beautiful.

[Popping]

Too bad she
can't accept them,

because she's engaged
to Mr. kimball

engaged?
Oh, congratulations.

Now you can
finish the bedroom.

Engaged? Who's engaged?

I guess we are.

I thought
you'd never ask me.

I never did.

At least i
don't think I...

No, I didn't!

Sit down, Mr. kimball.

If you don't want
to marry her,
Mr. Blackwell will.

[Door banging shut]
Won't you, Mr. Blackwell?

Where did he go?

Where do you think he went?

Uh, gee, I'm sorry,
but I have to be going, too.

I just remembered I, uh,
have to take my grandmother
to a taxidermist.

Or is it my grandfather?

Well, whoever it is.
Uh, good night.

Mr. kimball.

[Wailing]

Now, look what you did.

I did?

Well, I told you
she wasn't ready.

That she needed
some more work.

Well, all right.
Work on her.

But tonight
I'm sleeping in my own bed.

[Crashing]

(Oliver)
Ow!

Oliver, what happened?

[Groaning]

Oh, darling.
Darling, what are
you doing down here?

Oh, I tripped over
this stupid tool kit.

Now, who left a thing
like that around here?

Uh, Mr. Blackwell.
There must be some
wire around here, too.

He was going
to install the phone
from the pole to the kitchen.

He was from the phone...

He was going to put it...

Oh--oh, Mr. Blackwell!
Mr. Blackwell!

Well,

guess I'll just have
to go through life
being a single lady carpenter.

Oh, no, you won't.

Yes, I will.

Well, thanks
for all your help.

Here's your eyelashes.

And here's your dress.

[Both laughing]

(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.