Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 6 - One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Oliver!

Darling, are you going
into drucker's store?

Yes, I'm going
to pick up the mail.

Can you get something
for me?

Why sure, honey. What?

Wait a moment.
I'll get the list.

Mr. Douglas, you goin'
into drucker's?

Yes.

Well, we need a...

Doggone it.



Wait a minute,
i wrote it down.

Here it is,

huh, that's the wrong list.

Can you wait a minute?

Sure, ok.

Good.
I'll be right back.

Here we are.

"Call Linda."

Oh, that's a personal memo.
It must be on the other side.

"Call Sheila"?

First time I ever did that.

Wrote Sheila
on the back of Linda.

don't go away
I'll get the right list.

I'll be right here.

Here it is.

"Remind eb to call
Linda and Sheila"?

No, the list
is on the other side.

Oh.

"One pink shower cap."

Oh, now couldn't you
remember that?

Not without a list.

Ok.

Found it!

Ah, "remind Mrs. Douglas
to ask Mr. Douglas

to get a pink
shower cap for her"?

Mrs. Douglas takes care
of Linda and shelia,

and I take care
of the shower caps.

I'll see you both later.

Bye.
Bye.

Gosh! Mr. Douglas sure ain't
much fun anymore.

What do you mean?

He don't get mad
like he used to.

Usually if we bug him
the way we just did,

he'd go right
through the ceilin'.

Pow!

That's right.
I noticed that.

He didn't "pow"
like he used to.

I wonder if he's sick?

Must be somethin'
wrong with him.

I tell you there's
somethin' wrong
with Mr. Douglas.

No spark.

H-he don't pow
like he used to.

I don't think there's
anything wrong with him.

Well, I do.

[Snorting]

So does Arnold.

Oh, he agrees
with everybody.

Well, I tell you,
i sure miss 'em speeches
of Mr. Douglas,

how us farmers are
the backbone of America

and how we built
this country

with our plows,
and our hoes,
and our shovels.

Yeah, and how we plant
our little seeds

in rich brown earth

and watch them
push their way up

to reach for the sun
and the sky.

Yeah.

When he was in form,
everyday was the 4th of July.

Well, good morning.

(All)
Mornin', Mr. Douglas.

[Snorts]

Oh, hello there, Arnold.

I kept him
out of school today.

I think he's takin'
a little cold.

Oh, yeah,
you shouldn't, uh...

Ah, Mr. drucker,
do you have a, uh,
a shower cap?

No, but I have
some bathin' caps.

Oh, that'll be fine.
I--I'll take a pink one.

[Snorts]

Arnold, if Mr. Douglas
wants to wear a pink--

no--no--no,
it's not for me.

It's for Mrs. Douglas.

Ah, here we are.

This is our
channel swimmer model.
Uh-huh.

Every one of these
is personally autographed
by gertrude ederle.

Oh, gertrude ed--
you don't say!
How about that?

Yes, that'll be fine.

Uh, put one in the sack,
will you?

Anything else?

Uh, yes.
Is the mail in?

There ain't any mail,
Mr. Douglas.

Why not?

Well, you see,
me and coz Conway,

he's the postmaster
up in pixley,

we had a little fallin' out.

And he says he ain't
gonna send the mail through
unless I apologize.

Which I ain't gonna do.

Somebody ought to
complain to Washington.

Holdin' up the mail
like that.

Yeah. Somebody
sure ought to.

Oh, no. I think Mr. drucker
will work things out.

No, he ain't
got it no more.

There is a letter here
for you, Mr. Douglas.

It came last week
but I forgot
to give it to you.

Oh?

Uh, if that was my letter
I'd raise a lot of Cain
about it.

That ain't no way to treat
the American farmer,
the backbone of this country.

Now, Mr. drucker's
only human.

There ain't gonna be
no 4th of July today.

No pow, no bang.

Mmm.

Somethin' wrong?

Well, this bill here.

$12.03, the state farm
unattached duty tax.

Mine was $8.90.

Mine was $11.40.

What's it for?

"State farm unattached--"

we don't know, we get--
we get one every year.

You pay it?

Well, shouldn't we?

Well, i--
are you gonna
pay yours?

Well, not till I find out
what it's for.

Well, that might not be
too easy to do.

What do you mean?

The state don't like
to give out
that information.

One year, Ben Miller
asked what it was for

and the next year
they raised
his unattached duty tax.

They raised his--
$12.

Well, I'd like to see them
raise my tax

just because
i asked a question.

What question?

What this phony tax is for.

Uh, I don't know.

Then why do you pay it?

I think we lit the fuse.

don't you pay enough taxes
without paying some anonymous
farm tax?

The American farmer didn't get
where he is today by taking
these things lying down.

The farmer is
the backbone of America.

He plants his seeds
in the rich brown earth

and watches them push upwards,
reaching towards
the sun and the sky.

Mr. Douglas.

What?

Happy 4th of July.

And they have the nerve
to send me this state farm
unattached duty tax.

Ah, you're feeling better.

$12.03.
What's that for?

Did you get
my shower cap?

Yes. This is the only state
i ever heard of that had
an unattached duty tax.

You didn't buy
my shower cap.

Yes, I did. Right here.

$12.03.
What is that for?

That's what I'm talking about.

Not one of the fellows
in the store knew
why they have to pay it.

This not a shower cap?

It's a bathing cap.

Why did you get me
a pink one?

You told me you wanted pink.

Since when do you listen
to what I say?

Lisa--

somebody put
their name on this.

Uh, gertrude ederle.

I don't want to wear
somebody else's
bathing cap.

That's a brand name.

Gertrude ederle
swam the English channel.

She couldn't wait
for the boat?

[Brakes squealing]

♪[Whistles]

Mr. kimball.

Now, he--he can tell me
what this is for.

State farm
unattached duty tax?

And you want to know
what it's for?

That's right.

Well, let's see
if I can put it in
layman's language.

Mmm-hmm.

Is Mrs. Douglas around?

Yeah, she's in the, uh,
the house here--

good, good.
Because of some of the
language a layman uses--

oh, I've heard it.
Come on.

Oh. Well, the state farm
unattached duty tax
was first passed in 1938.

It was originally called
a state farm tax.

But then somebody found out
that a state farm tax
had been passed in 1925,

so they added the word
"unattached duty"
to the 1938 tax

so they wouldn't
get it confused
with the 1925 tax.

Is that clear?

No. What's it for?

Oh! Oh, in your case
it's for $12.03.

No--no.

How do they determine
how much you owe?

Well, they take
your acreage and...

Well, they don't take
your acreage unless
you don't pay the tax bill.

They have a computer
with a stack of cards.

And each card has
a taxpayer's name on it.

In your case
it would be, uh...

Well, whatever your name is.

Each card has holes
punched in it.

This is done at the state
department of hole-punching.

3 men work there:

The, uh, head hole-puncher,

the assistant
head hole-puncher,

and his brother-in-law.

Which one punched
the holes in your head?

Oh.

That's funny.

No, that's not funny. It's...

How much did you say
your tax was?

$12.03.

Mine was $18.41.

It would have been less,
but I don't have a farm.

And you paid it?

Oh, we all have
to share the burden.

Oh, I don't mind
sharin' the burden

if I know
what the burden is.

Oh, that's easy enough
for you to find out.

Just call up the state farm
unattached duty tax bureau.

I'll do just that.

State capital building,
good morning.

Good morning, uh. This is
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas?
Do you know his extension?

No, I am
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

[Clears throat]

I want to talk to the farm
unattached duty tax bureau.

They closed at noon.

When will they be back?

Next June.

Next June?

Yes, sir.
They just open
for one week,

punch the cards,
mail out the tax notices,

and then they close
for the year.

Wow, I'd like to have
a job like that.

I'll connect you
with civil service.

No, no. Look, I don't...

[Sighs]

Now, will you connect me
with my assemblyman, please.

Yes, sir. What's his name?

I don't know.

And you voted for him?

No, I didn't vote.

(Oliver)
I haven't been here
long enough to vote.

Oh, you're not a citizen.

I'll connect you with
the immigration department.

I live in hooterville.
Who is the assemblyman
from this district?

What's the number
of your district?

I don't know.

Well, then I have no way
of telling who he is.

Who could?

I suggest you ask
some of your neighbors.

I don't know who he is.
Do you, frank?

Oh, I don't know.

How about you, Sam?

I'm afraid not.

Well, somebody must know
who our assemblyman is.

[Snorting]

No, Arnold,

he's the deputy sheriff.

I don't care who the dep...

The last time
you had an election
for assemblymen,

who ran from this district?

I did.
Oh?

I was defeated.

Who ran against you?

Nobody.

And you lost?

No.

Then you won.
No.

Well, y-you see, election day
is the first Tuesday

after the first Monday
in September.

But the word got around

that it was the first Monday
after the first Tuesday

and that's when
everybody showed up

and by that time
it was too late.

When was this?

1922.

And you haven't had
an election since?

Not for assemblymen.

Well, then this district
isn't represented

in the state assembly.

I guess we ain't.

Well, how about that?

How could that be?

Well, they didn't seem
to miss us.

That ain't true.
They send us

our state unattached duty
tax bill regular.

They have no right
to send them.

In a democracy, every citizen
is entitled to representation.

That's-- that's what
the American revolution
was about.

In the words of
Patrick Henry:

"Taxation without
representation
is tyranny."

Well,

we don't want to get
Mr. Henry in any trouble.

He's not gonna get
in any trouble.

Look, gentlemen.

Have you paid your taxes yet?

All right, I advise you
not to pay them.

We'll get in trouble.

No, you won't
get in trouble.

I'm going to take this up
with the head man.

The hole puncher?

The governor.

Get your souvenirs
of the state capitol.

Get your souvenirs
of the state capitol.

Mr. haney.

Mr. Douglas.
You goin' someplace?

The state capitol.

Got your souvenirs yet?

No, i--i--

you can save a lot of money
by buyin' them here.
Half price.

No, I really don't need--

how about a pennant?

"Hooray for the governor"?

By not mentionin' any name,

you can wave it
for any administration.

That's very clever.

But I don't want any.

How would you like this
for your buttonhole?

Our state flower, the ragweed.

[Sneezes]

Looks like you got
our state allergy, hay fever.

You know what our state
animal is?

What?

The kangaroo.

Notice the state slogan:
"Keep things hoppin'."

I don't really, uh,
don't need a--

maybe you would rather have

a inflatable state fish kit.

It blows up into a replica
of a electric eel.

The state fish
is an electric eel?

Recently adopted,
commemorating 50 years
of electrical progress.

I--i--i don't need
any souvenirs.

I'll only be there
a couple of days on business

you got your hotel
reservations yet?

You don't miss a trick,
do you?

Not if I can help it.

Now, the capitol is crowded
this time of year.

But I can get you

into the ragweed Plaza,

the eel astoria,
or the kangaroo Hilton.

But, uh, I would suggest
the glowny house.

Before I...

The what house?

Now, I can get you
the presidential suite
or the royal suite.

Now personally, I would take
the presidential suite.

Cost 50 cents a day more,
but it's worth it.

Mr. haney, before I'd make
a reservation with you,

I would sleep
in a pup tent.

The missus
goin' with you?
Yes.

Then you'll need
the 2-man size.

Will you take
your pup tent

and your souvenirs

and get out of here?

You're sure you don't want
to stay at the glowny house?

I wouldn't stay
at the glowny house

if it was the last
place on earth.

What's the name
of this place?

The glowny house.

I don't like it.

I got you
the presidential suite,
didn't I?

Well, I don't want
to be unpatriotic,

but I don't like it.

We'll only be here overnight.
It's just a place to sleep.

Oliver,
where is the bed?

Oh, there's...

[Ringing]

Hello, this is Mr. Douglas.
I'm in the presidential suite.

What's so funny about that?

Look, there's no bed
in this room.

What? You're kidding.

Well?

There it is.

Do we have to sleep
standing up?

No.

[Lisa yelping]

Ooh! My foot!
Ooh!

[Sighs]

Well, now you found the bed,
now look for the room.

Well, it just
pulls down at night.

How are you going
to explain this
to the chambermaid?

[Ringing]

Yes, this is Mr. Douglas
in the presidential suite.

I found the bed

but when I try
to put it back up the mattress
stays on the floor.

I don't care
if it always does this!

I'm paying $1.75
for this--this suite,

and I want it fixed.

I am not going to sleep
in this room.

I'll see the governor
this afternoon, we'll be
out of here by tonight.

Hello, I'd like to see
the governor, please.

I'm sorry, sir,
you can't see the governor
without an appointment.

This is very important.

Not without an appointment.

All right.
Make an appointment.

(Oliver)
My name is Douglas.

How would April suit you?

This can't wait until April.

Now, I live in hooterville.

Is that near
Blackwell crossing?

Where is Blackwell crossing?

Near pomeroy.
Where the governor was born.

That's very--

now, if you were from pomeroy,

I'm sure I could arrange
an appointment in march.

I have something
very important
to discuss with him.

Mr. Douglas, why don't you
write the governor a letter

and explain what it is
you want to see him about?

And if it is important enough,

I'm sure he will
arrange an appointment.

All right.
I will write him
a letter.

Dear Mr. governor,
i respectfully submit

that the people of hooterville
are entitled to representation

in the legislature
of this great state.

I have...

Hello, darling.

Oh, Lisa.

Well,

what have we got here?

Uh, this is miss hawkney.
She's a public stenographer.

Uh, then why is she
stenographing here in private?

Lisa, would you let me get on
with the letter, please,

so that I can get
the appointment
with the governor?

Well, if that's all you want.
Why didn't you say so?

Come along, darling,
we won't need you anymore.

Thank you very much.
That was very kind.

Lisa, i--
there you are.
Goodbye.

[Sighs]

Darling, if that's all
you wanted, an appointment,

why didn't you say so?

[Ringing]

Hello?

Hello, I'd like to speak
to Washington, Dee-seas.

Lisa, who are you call--

i-i-i 'd like to speak
to Mrs. bird.

[Whispers]
Lisa!

Uh, no, i--i--i don't know
her phone number.

But she lives
in a big white house
on pencils-vania Avenue.

O-oh, tell her
it's Lisa Douglas.

Lisa, will you hang up,
you can't--

hello.

Oh, hello, Mrs. bird.

It's Lisa Douglas.

Uh, no. We haven't been
in Washington for a long time.

We moved to a farm
in hootersville.

Like the kind
you go to every weekend,
except this is worse.

Lisa, please.

The reason I'm calling you
is because I need a favor.

Uh, you see, my husband
wants to see the governor,

and he can't get
an appointment.

Could you fix it?

Hmm?

What state?

The kangaroo state.

The kangaroo state.

Oh! You've been here?

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much

goodbye.

Lisa!
All fixed.

I don't know
who you were talking to.

But they won't be able
to get an appointment
with the governor--

[telephone rings]

Hello?

The governor?

Yes, sir.

Uh, no, no, I didn't
make the call,

that was my wife
made the ca--

I could be there
in a half an hour, yes.

Yes, sir.

Any other appointments
you want me to make for you,
Charlie?

Lisa, who did you call?

(Governor)
Uh, would you repeat that,
Mr. Douglas.

Yes, Mr. governor.

The constitution of this state
clearly says that all laws

must be enacted by a majority
of the representatives
of the citizens of the state.

Now, if hooterville has had
no representation

in the state assembly
since 1922,

it seems to me

that any laws passed
since that time are invalid.

Well, if that's true,
do you realize the chaos
it would cause?

Why, it would set
the state back for years.

Cost us millions.

I am not going to allow that.

Well, now, Mr. governor,
the poople of heetervil--

uh, the people of hooterville

have been deprived
of their just rights.

I agree, now, that people
have been deprived

of representation
all these years.

And I do think that the state
owes them something.

Oh, like what?

Well, how about a freeway?

A freeway?

6 lanes.

That's one more
than pomeroy has,
and that's where I was born.

We don't need a freeway.

How about a nice dam?

Hold the water back.

No, we don't need a--

subway?

Mr. governor,
it's a very small community.

Look.

I feel that the people
of hooterville
would be very well satisfied

if you could arrange a refund

of all the taxes
they've paid to the state

while they were
without representation.

Well, I think that's
a reasonable demand.

Mr. Douglas,
you've got yourself a deal.

Well, thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Oh, uh, I have a little
something here for you.

As a souvenir of your
visit to the state capitol.

Put it in your car,
you can use the pouch
for a litter bag.

Here you are, Jerry.

Fred.

Frank.

Well, I'll be doggone.
Look, Sam.

I got back $400.22.

I got $384.

Hey!

Oh, here's Mr. Douglas.

3 cheers
for Mr. Douglas!

Hip-hip.
(All)
Hooray.

Hip-hip.
(All)
Hooray.

Hip-hip.
(All)
Hooray.

And when I walked up
to that store, they cheered.

Darling,
I'm so proud of you.

Well, you deserve
a lot of credit
for what you did.

You mean for sleeping
on the floor on that mattress?

No. If it hadn't been for you,

I wouldn't have had the
appointment with the governor.

Who is it you called?

The same lady
who gave me the card
for the discount house.

Lisa.

Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.

What?

You'd better
get out of town.
Why?

They're going to tar
and feather you
for getting that tax refund.

Darling,
I'm so proud of you.

Proud?

Mr. drucker's
supplying the feathers,

and they're gettin' up
a collection
for a barrel of tar.

I gave 50 cents.

Do I have to give
something, too?

No, you, uh...

Would you mind telling me
what you're talking about?

The tax refund.

I thought they were
happy about that.

They were
until they got the bill.

What bill?

The one the governor
sent 'em.

He said since the state's
refundin' the tax money

then we've got to pay
for all the work
they done around here.

$8,000 for road repair,

$9,000 for a bridge,

$3,000 for a water tank.

$222,000 for hooterville
high school.

Well, anyway,
it comes to a grand total

of $3,498,000.22.

What?

Divide that up
between everybody
in hooterville,

it comes to $600,000 apiece.

They can't--

I'm going to have to ask
for an advance on my salary.

That's ridiculous!

They can't do this.

Long before this state
was founded,

♪[fife playing]
The American farmer
lay down his rake and his hoe

to take up the fight
against tyranny and injustice,

dumping tea
into the Boston harbor.

Riding through every
middlesex village and farm.

1 if by land, 2 if by sea.

And as the hoof-beats
of Paul revere's horse
echoed through the streets,

the American farmers
came out of the houses,
out of the farms,

out of--
Oliver.

What?

Who is playing the fife?

(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.