Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 4 - How to See South America by Bus - full transcript
A lovely young female farmer comes to Oliver for his professional help. He's glad to oblige, especially when he learns that she can cook. Lisa first becomes jealous of the time the two spend together. Then she becomes convinced they're having an affair, especially after overhearing Mrs. Ziffel describing the plot on her favorite soap opera.
♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ goodbye, city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Oh, where are you going
all dressed up?
Uh, out to work
in the cornfields.
But isn't that
one of your lawyer suits?
Yes, I'm expecting
a client.
Oh, who?
I don't know,
Mr. drucker said
some farmer named Collins
wants to talk to me
about a legal matter.
Aren't you
going to wait for him?
No, no.
I've got work to do.
When he shows up,
you send him on up, yeah?
Uh, yes, chief.
What?
Isn't that what the secretary
calls the boss?
Yes, but--
anything else, chief?
Uh, no.
Well, aren't you going to
kiss me goodbye?
No, the boss doesn't
kiss the secretary.
His wife
might not like it.
Oh, yeah, she would.
Oh, we'd better be
on the safe side.
I think I'm going to
look for another job.
Come in.
The door knob came off.
Oh, you better come around
and climb in the window.
Hi, I'm looking for
Mr. Douglas.
Oh.
I'm Mrs. Douglas.
Oh, I'm sorry,
i didn't mean to
get you out of
a sick bed.
Oh, I'm not sick.
Well, you see my mother
always wears
one of those
when she's sick.
I got a green one for sick.
Uh, here's
your door knob.
Oh, thank you.
[Door knob rattling]
Is your, uh, husband around?
Uh, he's expecting me.
To do what?
My name is Amy Collins.
Ah, you are the farmer.
He didn't say you were an Amy.
He's out in the corn fields,
Mrs. Collins.
Miss Collins.
You're engaged?
No.
You got a steady boyfriend?
No. Where did you say
i could find your husband?
I don't think he's there.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to just go
and look for him. Ok?
Mr. Douglas?
Oh, hello.
Hi, I'm Amy Collins.
Uh, Amy co...
Yes. Collins.
Yeah.
Oh, well, Mr. drucker said
some fellow wanted to, uh...
But he didn't say
you were a--a--a...
And you certainly are.
Ahem.
Uh, how can I help you?
Well, I've been
thinking about
incorporating my farm.
I have a place
at the other end of the valley
and I thought that
i might get
some tax advantages
doing that.
Well, Mrs.--
miss Collins.
Yes, it's possible that
there might be some
advantages to a corporation.
You see most of us around here
have rather small farms.
And, uh...
How big is your place?
1,200 acres.
Well, 12--
1,200 acres?
I have an option
on another 1,000.
Well, yes, yes, uh,
a corporation might be
advantageous to you.
Of course, I'd have to see
the rest of your operation.
Why don't you come over
and look at my books
when you have the time?
I suppose
you're busy right now.
Oh, well, uh, yes.
I'm just getting ready
to pick.
Oh.
Here.
[Exclaims]
Look at that.
What happened to it?
[Sighs]
Doesn't look like
it did very well.
How much nitrogen
have you been using
in your soil?
Oh, it's nitrogen--
how have you
been irrigating?
Irrigating?
Well, we've got this long hose
in my hired Van that--
oh. You're kidding?
Nobody would be silly enough
to water all this
with a garden hose.
Come on.
They wouldn't?
No.
No, no, of course
they wouldn't.
I mean, that would be--
that'd be silly.
Mr. Douglas, we gotta get
a longer hose
if we're gonna water
way out here.
Um, eb...
Uh, this is
Amy Collins.
She has a large farm
on the other side
of the valley.
Oh, need a foreman?
I'm afraid not.
How about
a hired hand?
No.
Want to adopt
a son?
Eb, why don't you go
water something?
Yes, I'd like
to see your farm.
Anytime it's
convenient for you.
How about
this afternoon?
Eb.
This afternoon
would be fine.
That's what I said.
Uh, perhaps I can give you
a few pointers
on growing some corn.
I'd appreciate that.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Eb!
You bubblehead!
That stupid eb.
Got me all wet.
Here, do something
with that, will you?
Uh, did you talk to
Mrs. Collins?
Miss Collins.
Oh, you already
found that out.
Uh, did she say
why she needs a lawyer?
Yes. She wanted
to talk to me
about incorporating.
Didn't you tell her
you're already incorporated?
Incorporating her farm.
Uh, did she say
who dyes her hair?
I didn't ask her.
All I know is that
she knows a lot about farming.
Well, I guess if you are
that plain-looking,
you've got to have something
to keep you busy.
Do I detect
a note of jealousy?
Where?
I'm surprised at you.
Oh, I was just teasing.
Now why should I be
jealous of her?
You'll never see her again.
I'm going over there
right now.
It won't take me 10 minutes
to get dressed.
No, no.
I'm going by myself.
This is, uh, business.
Well, darling,
don't stay long.
I'm cooking something special
for dinner.
Oh.
A hotcakes hash.
Hotcakes?
With the hotcakes
you wouldn't eat
this morning.
I'll be home.
Oh, Oliver.
Yeah?
Do you still
want to go?
Well, I promised.
Oh, well,
then, uh...
What's this?
I don't want you
to go out
with a dirty
wedding ring.
Well,
that's quite a farm,
miss Collins.
I wish
you'd call me Amy.
All right,
if you call me Oliver.
How about
a cold drink, Ollie?
Good. Please, please.
Would you like
some cider?
Yes, thank you.
Uh, that corn,
I've never seen anything
quite like it.
Well, it's
a new hybrid strain
I've been developing.
I'd be glad
to give you some seed.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
[Cuckoos 6 times]
6:00.
Oh, we didn't get a chance
to talk any business.
We spent all our time
walking around.
Do you have
to leave now?
Oh, yes, yes.
I promised my wife
I'd be home for dinner.
Well, why don't you
eat here?
You can call her.
No, no. She's cooking
something special--
the pot roast is
just about done.
Pot roast?
And new potatoes,
and homemade biscuits,
and apple pie.
Do you have
a telephone?
Oliver?
You said you were
coming home for dinner.
Well, but Lisa,
i spent all the time
walking around
looking at the farm with Amy.
Oh.
It's Amy now.
What happened to Mrs. Collins?
Lisa, I promised Amy,
I'd help her with the farm.
Uh, this is business.
Would you like
another drink, Ollie?
Want another drink?
How many boozes did you have,
Ollie?
Oh, this is not booze.
This is, uh, ci-ci-cider.
Would you like jam or honey
on your biscuits?
Oh, honey.
Yes, dear.
Uh, no, I was talking to Amy.
First it was Mrs. Collins,
then Amy, and--and now honey.
I just was telling her
what I want on my biscuits.
Uh, listen, honey.
Who are you talking to now?
You.
It's a little difficult
to tell from here.
Lisa, I'll be home
as soon as I can.
Uh, what shall I do
with the hotcakes hash?
We'll discuss that
when I get home.
Aren't these
darling?
Uh, yes, darling.
Who was that for?
Uh, Amy.
Oh, that's right,
it's her turn.
Lisa, I'll see you later.
[Phone clicks]
Humph.
(Oliver)
You should see
the corn she's growing.
Ears like that.
And she's got a
whole new strain of wheat.
What did she wear
for dinner?
I didn't notice.
I was too busy
talking about farming.
Where is your vest?
My vest...
Well, I must've left it
over there.
Ha-ha-ha. That's funny.
Well, it was warm,
i took my coat and vest off.
It wasn't that warm here.
Oh, Lisa.
You probably got overheated
from all the booze
you were drinking.
It wasn't booze,
it was cider.
Lisa, there's no reason
to be jealous.
I'm only interested
in her as a farmer.
Wish I was like her.
You wouldn't look very good
in those tight pants.
I mean,
i wish I could farm like her.
You hungry?
I kept you some hotcakes hash.
Uh, no thanks.
I had dinner over there.
What did you have?
Well, pot roast,
new potatoes,
hot biscuits with honey.
What else did you have
with honey?
For the last time,
all I'm interested in is
what she knows about farming.
I know a little bit
about farming.
You?
If you come home for dinner
once in a while,
we could talk about it.
Tonight was the first night
I haven't come home for dinner
since we've been here.
Tonight was the night when
i wanted to talk about it.
You wanna talk about it now?
No, I'm not in the mood.
Would you like to
talk about it tomorrow night?
Well...
I'll invite Amy
over for dinner,
and the 3 of us can sit
and talk about farming.
That's all right with me.
Ollie.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Come in, come in.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, would you mind
leaving the door open?
The chief is
very narrow-minded.
Well, not narrow-minded,
slab-headed he is.
Won't you sit down?
Thank you.
Uh, Mr. kimball,
I got a problem
and I need your help.
Want me to get
your husband's vest back?
No, we're getting
the vest back already.
Good.
Shows you how simple it is to
solve these problems
just by talking them out
with someone.
The vest is not the problem.
Oh.
He left something else there?
No.
Well, you see the problem is,
miss Collins is
coming for dinner.
And we're going to talk
about farming,
and I don't know
anything about farming.
But I told Oliver that I did.
Now, by the time
she gets there, I should.
Oh, I get the idea.
No, I don't get
the idea.
What is the idea?
You've got to teach me
all about farming by 6:00,
by dinner time.
Now, can you teach me?
Well, if we have till 6:00.
No, no, no.
We only have till 3:00.
Then I have to go to
Mrs. ziffel
for my pot roast lesson.
Oh, Mrs. ziffel makes
a pretty good pot roast.
But if you want a great one,
try Amy Collins.
I suppose your husband told
you about her pot roast.
Yes, he did.
don't be angry with me,
Mrs. Douglas.
Stronger men than he
have forgotten their vests
after one of her pot roasts.
Mr. kimball, never mind
about the vest.
Will you teach me
about farming?
Do you know anything
about it at all?
Well, I know which is the dirt
and which is the barn.
Excellent.
You'd be surprised
how many people
can't tell dirt.
[Exclaims]
What else
would you like to know?
Well, h-how you
plant things,
what makes them grow,
and--and
all that kind of things.
Well, I guess we'd better
take off our coats
and get to work.
Wonder where I left my vest.
Lisa.
It's almost 6:00.
Aren't you dressed yet?
What is that?
My farm suit.
I want to make
the farm lady
feel at home.
Well, it's very nice.
[Knocking on door]
Oh, Amy. Come right in.
Good evening, Ollie.
Good evening.
Good evening,
Mrs. Douglas.
Uh, excuse me,
i got to change.
Uh, i--i have been working
around the farm all day.
Oh, you look fine.
I always slop around my house.
Uh, here's your vest,
Ollie.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
Some buttons were off,
and I sewed them back on
for you.
Oh. Oh, now isn't that
nice of Amy?
Uh, speaking of farming,
did you know that
the lettuce is
an important vegetable
in this country?
And that it exceeds
all other vegetable crop
except potatoes and tomatoes?
Lisa.
And did you also know that
the farm value
of the lettuce crop
fluctuates between
$96 million in 1950
and $142 million in 1957?
No, I didn't.
Shall we go in for dinner?
Would you like to have
some more champagne?
No. No, thank you.
Now, what's over here
next to the apple orchard?
Now there, that's--that's
a 100 acres of wheat.
But you know, next season
I'm going to pull that out.
I'm gonna
put in corn.
Hello.
Would you like to have
some more champagne?
No.
Well, if you're
going to put in corn,
you're gonna have
to treat that soil.
That's right.
The soil has to have
the right p.H.
Yes, it...
Mmm-hmm?
She's right.
The p.H. Indicates
whether the soil is
acid or alcohol.
Now, to determine that,
there are 2 methods.
No, actually there are
3 methods,
but the 3rd method
is like the first method,
so we lump them together.
Lisa, it does not make
any sense.
You sound
just like Mr. kimball.
Now I...
That's where you were
all afternoon.
Picking up some odd facts
about farming
from Mr. kimball.
Well, that lets the air
out of my balloon.
[Hiccups]
Got the hook-ups.
Lisa.
You are stoned.
Oliver, you are right.
[Crowing]
[Moaning]
Oh. Who hit me in the head?
Oliver, did you...
Oliver.
Oliver... oh!
don't yell.
That was me.
Oh.
The mail came.
(Oliver)
Dear wino...
Humph.
...you were sleeping it off
and I didn't want
to disturb you.
I've gone over to see Amy.
Amy. Huh.
You would think
at a time like this
he would stay
with his wife.
(Oliver)
Take an aspirin.
If we don't have any,
Mr. drucker has
a nice assortment.
And then
what happened?
Well, as you know, he's been
seeing this other woman.
Here you are, Doris.
Your Lima beans.
Are you sure those are
the fanciest kind you got,
Sam?
Yeah. Uh, Fred's
gettin' pretty finicky.
Oh, it's
not for Fred.
It's for Arnold.
[Snorts]
Baby Lima beans. Huh.
Well, he's got
a very sensitive stomach.
[Snorts]
Doris, will you please
tell me what happened?
Oh, you won't believe it.
Oh, yes, I will.
Tell me.
Well, as you know,
he's been goin' over
to her place
every chance he gets.
don't his wife know
what he goes over there for?
Well, he tells her
he goes on business.
Anyway, yesterday
he had the nerve
to bring the other woman
over to his house.
He didn't.
He did.
And then
do you know what?
He slipped a Mickey
in his wife's drink,
and she passed out cold.
So that's why
i passed out.
And while
the poor little thing
was layin' there,
they made plans
to run away together
to south America.
South America.
And she's meetin' him
in front of the bus depot
tonight.
Well, if that's what
he wants.
(sadie)
How could he do
a thing like that to her?
Do you think the wife
will find out?
I hope so.
I can't wait to see
tonight's episode.
I've got
to watch that show.
What's the name
of that again?
Love is
never a stranger.
[Snorts]
It's Arnold's
favorite t.V. Show, too.
Where did he go?
Do you think he went
right to the bus depot?
I don't think so.
He wouldn't leave
on a long trip like that
without his toothbrush.
Oh, hi.
I was over at--
well, if it isn't
my old friend,
the Mickey slipper.
What?
I told you he'd come home
for his toothbrush.
For my toothbrush?
Dad, you are a cad.
don't call me dad.
Aren't you ashamed
of yourself doing this to mom?
To mom?
Maybe she ain't
the best cook in the world
and maybe she drinks
a little too much,
but that's no reason
to cast her aside
in her old age.
Whose side are you on?
What's he
talking about?
As if you don't know.
You blackguard, you...
Wh-what's go...
You better hurry.
You might miss
your bus to south America.
Who said that I was--
everybody knows,
including Mrs. ziffel.
She told everyone
in the store
h-how you slipped me
a Mickey so that
you and--and what's-her-name
could take off
for the wild blue yonder.
I don't know what you heard.
I always told you,
if a time like this came,
I wouldn't stand in your way.
A time like what?
I better help you pack.
Lisa--
[knocking on door]
'Evening, Mr. Douglas.
Well, Mrs. ziffel.
Say, would you mind if i
watched your t.V. Tonight?
Mine's busted.
Oh, uh, I don't--
listen,
this is very important.
I don't want to miss
tonight's episode
of love is never a stranger.
Well, i--i really--
you see, tonight this
married man is running away
to south America
with this other woman.
But his wife doesn't know,
because he slipped her
a Mickey.
And when she was out cold,
they were planning
to meet at the bus depot.
The bus depot? South America?
Is this what you were
talking about
at the store
this afternoon?
Yeah.
Oh, well, um...
L-look, I hope you
enjoy the show, Mrs. ziffel.
No, wait--wait a minute,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, I'll be doggoned.
Maybe Sam will
let me watch his set.
Well, hey, you haven't
started to pack
my stuff yet?
Oliver, you don't
really have to go.
Oh, sure, sure.
I wouldn't want
to get stuck
with 2 bus tickets
to south America.
Or maybe
even I could use them.
No, no.
I don't think so.
I wouldn't want
to disappoint, uh,
what's-her-name
and she's all packed.
She's got her passport,
the shots.
Well,
I guess there's
nothing left for me to do
but to pack you.
Well, I guess not.
Uh, would you mind
hurrying it up?
I wouldn't want to miss
the last bus to south America.
What do you
want to take?
Oh, a pair of castanets,
uh,
my Xavier cugat rumba shirt,
and a pair of jodhpurs.
We'll probably do
a lot of llama riding.
don't you want
any shirts or socks?
Oh, anything.
You know how to pack.
You've packed for me before.
Uh, I want to watch t.V.
[T.V. Playing]
Why, you're
a pretty cool customer
for a fellow that's trying
to break up a happy marriage.
Could you hold it down?
I'd like to listen
to the show.
(Narrator on t.V.)
And now for tonight's episode
of love is never a stranger,
brought to you by clurdo,
the wheat germ that fizzes.
Ever listened to this?
I'm not interested.
As you know, last night,
as they were celebrating
their wedding anniversary,
Arthur slipped a Mickey
into Cynthia's champagne.
While Cynthia was out cold,
Arthur and Gretchen
plotted to run away
to south America together.
South America?
Yeah, very popular place
to run away to.
What a coinci--
I wonder if they
are going by bus, too.
(Narrator on t.V.)
We take you now
to the bus depot.
They are.
Arthur is waiting
for Gretchen--
[knob clicking]
What did you
do that for?
They might have been going
on the same bus with me.
They are the ones Mrs. ziffel
was talking about.
Uh-huh.
Well, it seems that one of us
made a mistake.
Hmm, yes.
You did.
Well, I was hoping
you didn't notice.
You see what jealousy does,
it blinds you to the truth.
You get to believe in
that stuff you see
on television.
Well, i--i guess
i was foolish.
Stupid is the word.
Well, I like
foolish better.
All right,
you were foolish.
Well, how can I help
being jealous of you?
After all,
I'm an ordinary simple girl,
lucky being married to
such a handsome, generous,
clever,
debonair, thoughtful--
yes, I know.
I was also going to say
how nice you look
in a bathing suit.
I'll concede that.
Lisa, marriage is based
on trust and respect.
And if you don't have that,
you don't have a marriage.
don't you understand?
Yes, darling.
You know, the thing
that hurts is that
you ever doubted me
in the first place.
I would never dream of
running away
with another woman.
You know why?
Because they hit you
pretty hard
with the community property
in this state.
I'm not talking
about community property.
I'm talking about love.
Now, isn't it possible that
a man could meet a woman,
fall in love with her,
and marry her,
and never want
another woman
as long as he lived?
On what television program
did you see that?
The Beverly hillbillies.
I'm talking about us.
I know, darling.
And I'm glad that you
don't want anybody else.
No, I don't.
You want to
marry me again?
Mmm-hmm.
Oliver,
i want you to know
that from now on
I'm going to be
the best wife
anyone ever had.
Oh.
You know what I'm going to do
for you tomorrow morning?
What?
I'm going down
to the bus depot
and get your money back
for those tickets.
Lisa.
You want to take
your vest off?
(Male narrator)
Jewels designed
by Marvin hine.
(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ goodbye, city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Oh, where are you going
all dressed up?
Uh, out to work
in the cornfields.
But isn't that
one of your lawyer suits?
Yes, I'm expecting
a client.
Oh, who?
I don't know,
Mr. drucker said
some farmer named Collins
wants to talk to me
about a legal matter.
Aren't you
going to wait for him?
No, no.
I've got work to do.
When he shows up,
you send him on up, yeah?
Uh, yes, chief.
What?
Isn't that what the secretary
calls the boss?
Yes, but--
anything else, chief?
Uh, no.
Well, aren't you going to
kiss me goodbye?
No, the boss doesn't
kiss the secretary.
His wife
might not like it.
Oh, yeah, she would.
Oh, we'd better be
on the safe side.
I think I'm going to
look for another job.
Come in.
The door knob came off.
Oh, you better come around
and climb in the window.
Hi, I'm looking for
Mr. Douglas.
Oh.
I'm Mrs. Douglas.
Oh, I'm sorry,
i didn't mean to
get you out of
a sick bed.
Oh, I'm not sick.
Well, you see my mother
always wears
one of those
when she's sick.
I got a green one for sick.
Uh, here's
your door knob.
Oh, thank you.
[Door knob rattling]
Is your, uh, husband around?
Uh, he's expecting me.
To do what?
My name is Amy Collins.
Ah, you are the farmer.
He didn't say you were an Amy.
He's out in the corn fields,
Mrs. Collins.
Miss Collins.
You're engaged?
No.
You got a steady boyfriend?
No. Where did you say
i could find your husband?
I don't think he's there.
If you don't mind,
I'd like to just go
and look for him. Ok?
Mr. Douglas?
Oh, hello.
Hi, I'm Amy Collins.
Uh, Amy co...
Yes. Collins.
Yeah.
Oh, well, Mr. drucker said
some fellow wanted to, uh...
But he didn't say
you were a--a--a...
And you certainly are.
Ahem.
Uh, how can I help you?
Well, I've been
thinking about
incorporating my farm.
I have a place
at the other end of the valley
and I thought that
i might get
some tax advantages
doing that.
Well, Mrs.--
miss Collins.
Yes, it's possible that
there might be some
advantages to a corporation.
You see most of us around here
have rather small farms.
And, uh...
How big is your place?
1,200 acres.
Well, 12--
1,200 acres?
I have an option
on another 1,000.
Well, yes, yes, uh,
a corporation might be
advantageous to you.
Of course, I'd have to see
the rest of your operation.
Why don't you come over
and look at my books
when you have the time?
I suppose
you're busy right now.
Oh, well, uh, yes.
I'm just getting ready
to pick.
Oh.
Here.
[Exclaims]
Look at that.
What happened to it?
[Sighs]
Doesn't look like
it did very well.
How much nitrogen
have you been using
in your soil?
Oh, it's nitrogen--
how have you
been irrigating?
Irrigating?
Well, we've got this long hose
in my hired Van that--
oh. You're kidding?
Nobody would be silly enough
to water all this
with a garden hose.
Come on.
They wouldn't?
No.
No, no, of course
they wouldn't.
I mean, that would be--
that'd be silly.
Mr. Douglas, we gotta get
a longer hose
if we're gonna water
way out here.
Um, eb...
Uh, this is
Amy Collins.
She has a large farm
on the other side
of the valley.
Oh, need a foreman?
I'm afraid not.
How about
a hired hand?
No.
Want to adopt
a son?
Eb, why don't you go
water something?
Yes, I'd like
to see your farm.
Anytime it's
convenient for you.
How about
this afternoon?
Eb.
This afternoon
would be fine.
That's what I said.
Uh, perhaps I can give you
a few pointers
on growing some corn.
I'd appreciate that.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Eb!
You bubblehead!
That stupid eb.
Got me all wet.
Here, do something
with that, will you?
Uh, did you talk to
Mrs. Collins?
Miss Collins.
Oh, you already
found that out.
Uh, did she say
why she needs a lawyer?
Yes. She wanted
to talk to me
about incorporating.
Didn't you tell her
you're already incorporated?
Incorporating her farm.
Uh, did she say
who dyes her hair?
I didn't ask her.
All I know is that
she knows a lot about farming.
Well, I guess if you are
that plain-looking,
you've got to have something
to keep you busy.
Do I detect
a note of jealousy?
Where?
I'm surprised at you.
Oh, I was just teasing.
Now why should I be
jealous of her?
You'll never see her again.
I'm going over there
right now.
It won't take me 10 minutes
to get dressed.
No, no.
I'm going by myself.
This is, uh, business.
Well, darling,
don't stay long.
I'm cooking something special
for dinner.
Oh.
A hotcakes hash.
Hotcakes?
With the hotcakes
you wouldn't eat
this morning.
I'll be home.
Oh, Oliver.
Yeah?
Do you still
want to go?
Well, I promised.
Oh, well,
then, uh...
What's this?
I don't want you
to go out
with a dirty
wedding ring.
Well,
that's quite a farm,
miss Collins.
I wish
you'd call me Amy.
All right,
if you call me Oliver.
How about
a cold drink, Ollie?
Good. Please, please.
Would you like
some cider?
Yes, thank you.
Uh, that corn,
I've never seen anything
quite like it.
Well, it's
a new hybrid strain
I've been developing.
I'd be glad
to give you some seed.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
[Cuckoos 6 times]
6:00.
Oh, we didn't get a chance
to talk any business.
We spent all our time
walking around.
Do you have
to leave now?
Oh, yes, yes.
I promised my wife
I'd be home for dinner.
Well, why don't you
eat here?
You can call her.
No, no. She's cooking
something special--
the pot roast is
just about done.
Pot roast?
And new potatoes,
and homemade biscuits,
and apple pie.
Do you have
a telephone?
Oliver?
You said you were
coming home for dinner.
Well, but Lisa,
i spent all the time
walking around
looking at the farm with Amy.
Oh.
It's Amy now.
What happened to Mrs. Collins?
Lisa, I promised Amy,
I'd help her with the farm.
Uh, this is business.
Would you like
another drink, Ollie?
Want another drink?
How many boozes did you have,
Ollie?
Oh, this is not booze.
This is, uh, ci-ci-cider.
Would you like jam or honey
on your biscuits?
Oh, honey.
Yes, dear.
Uh, no, I was talking to Amy.
First it was Mrs. Collins,
then Amy, and--and now honey.
I just was telling her
what I want on my biscuits.
Uh, listen, honey.
Who are you talking to now?
You.
It's a little difficult
to tell from here.
Lisa, I'll be home
as soon as I can.
Uh, what shall I do
with the hotcakes hash?
We'll discuss that
when I get home.
Aren't these
darling?
Uh, yes, darling.
Who was that for?
Uh, Amy.
Oh, that's right,
it's her turn.
Lisa, I'll see you later.
[Phone clicks]
Humph.
(Oliver)
You should see
the corn she's growing.
Ears like that.
And she's got a
whole new strain of wheat.
What did she wear
for dinner?
I didn't notice.
I was too busy
talking about farming.
Where is your vest?
My vest...
Well, I must've left it
over there.
Ha-ha-ha. That's funny.
Well, it was warm,
i took my coat and vest off.
It wasn't that warm here.
Oh, Lisa.
You probably got overheated
from all the booze
you were drinking.
It wasn't booze,
it was cider.
Lisa, there's no reason
to be jealous.
I'm only interested
in her as a farmer.
Wish I was like her.
You wouldn't look very good
in those tight pants.
I mean,
i wish I could farm like her.
You hungry?
I kept you some hotcakes hash.
Uh, no thanks.
I had dinner over there.
What did you have?
Well, pot roast,
new potatoes,
hot biscuits with honey.
What else did you have
with honey?
For the last time,
all I'm interested in is
what she knows about farming.
I know a little bit
about farming.
You?
If you come home for dinner
once in a while,
we could talk about it.
Tonight was the first night
I haven't come home for dinner
since we've been here.
Tonight was the night when
i wanted to talk about it.
You wanna talk about it now?
No, I'm not in the mood.
Would you like to
talk about it tomorrow night?
Well...
I'll invite Amy
over for dinner,
and the 3 of us can sit
and talk about farming.
That's all right with me.
Ollie.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Come in, come in.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, would you mind
leaving the door open?
The chief is
very narrow-minded.
Well, not narrow-minded,
slab-headed he is.
Won't you sit down?
Thank you.
Uh, Mr. kimball,
I got a problem
and I need your help.
Want me to get
your husband's vest back?
No, we're getting
the vest back already.
Good.
Shows you how simple it is to
solve these problems
just by talking them out
with someone.
The vest is not the problem.
Oh.
He left something else there?
No.
Well, you see the problem is,
miss Collins is
coming for dinner.
And we're going to talk
about farming,
and I don't know
anything about farming.
But I told Oliver that I did.
Now, by the time
she gets there, I should.
Oh, I get the idea.
No, I don't get
the idea.
What is the idea?
You've got to teach me
all about farming by 6:00,
by dinner time.
Now, can you teach me?
Well, if we have till 6:00.
No, no, no.
We only have till 3:00.
Then I have to go to
Mrs. ziffel
for my pot roast lesson.
Oh, Mrs. ziffel makes
a pretty good pot roast.
But if you want a great one,
try Amy Collins.
I suppose your husband told
you about her pot roast.
Yes, he did.
don't be angry with me,
Mrs. Douglas.
Stronger men than he
have forgotten their vests
after one of her pot roasts.
Mr. kimball, never mind
about the vest.
Will you teach me
about farming?
Do you know anything
about it at all?
Well, I know which is the dirt
and which is the barn.
Excellent.
You'd be surprised
how many people
can't tell dirt.
[Exclaims]
What else
would you like to know?
Well, h-how you
plant things,
what makes them grow,
and--and
all that kind of things.
Well, I guess we'd better
take off our coats
and get to work.
Wonder where I left my vest.
Lisa.
It's almost 6:00.
Aren't you dressed yet?
What is that?
My farm suit.
I want to make
the farm lady
feel at home.
Well, it's very nice.
[Knocking on door]
Oh, Amy. Come right in.
Good evening, Ollie.
Good evening.
Good evening,
Mrs. Douglas.
Uh, excuse me,
i got to change.
Uh, i--i have been working
around the farm all day.
Oh, you look fine.
I always slop around my house.
Uh, here's your vest,
Ollie.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
Some buttons were off,
and I sewed them back on
for you.
Oh. Oh, now isn't that
nice of Amy?
Uh, speaking of farming,
did you know that
the lettuce is
an important vegetable
in this country?
And that it exceeds
all other vegetable crop
except potatoes and tomatoes?
Lisa.
And did you also know that
the farm value
of the lettuce crop
fluctuates between
$96 million in 1950
and $142 million in 1957?
No, I didn't.
Shall we go in for dinner?
Would you like to have
some more champagne?
No. No, thank you.
Now, what's over here
next to the apple orchard?
Now there, that's--that's
a 100 acres of wheat.
But you know, next season
I'm going to pull that out.
I'm gonna
put in corn.
Hello.
Would you like to have
some more champagne?
No.
Well, if you're
going to put in corn,
you're gonna have
to treat that soil.
That's right.
The soil has to have
the right p.H.
Yes, it...
Mmm-hmm?
She's right.
The p.H. Indicates
whether the soil is
acid or alcohol.
Now, to determine that,
there are 2 methods.
No, actually there are
3 methods,
but the 3rd method
is like the first method,
so we lump them together.
Lisa, it does not make
any sense.
You sound
just like Mr. kimball.
Now I...
That's where you were
all afternoon.
Picking up some odd facts
about farming
from Mr. kimball.
Well, that lets the air
out of my balloon.
[Hiccups]
Got the hook-ups.
Lisa.
You are stoned.
Oliver, you are right.
[Crowing]
[Moaning]
Oh. Who hit me in the head?
Oliver, did you...
Oliver.
Oliver... oh!
don't yell.
That was me.
Oh.
The mail came.
(Oliver)
Dear wino...
Humph.
...you were sleeping it off
and I didn't want
to disturb you.
I've gone over to see Amy.
Amy. Huh.
You would think
at a time like this
he would stay
with his wife.
(Oliver)
Take an aspirin.
If we don't have any,
Mr. drucker has
a nice assortment.
And then
what happened?
Well, as you know, he's been
seeing this other woman.
Here you are, Doris.
Your Lima beans.
Are you sure those are
the fanciest kind you got,
Sam?
Yeah. Uh, Fred's
gettin' pretty finicky.
Oh, it's
not for Fred.
It's for Arnold.
[Snorts]
Baby Lima beans. Huh.
Well, he's got
a very sensitive stomach.
[Snorts]
Doris, will you please
tell me what happened?
Oh, you won't believe it.
Oh, yes, I will.
Tell me.
Well, as you know,
he's been goin' over
to her place
every chance he gets.
don't his wife know
what he goes over there for?
Well, he tells her
he goes on business.
Anyway, yesterday
he had the nerve
to bring the other woman
over to his house.
He didn't.
He did.
And then
do you know what?
He slipped a Mickey
in his wife's drink,
and she passed out cold.
So that's why
i passed out.
And while
the poor little thing
was layin' there,
they made plans
to run away together
to south America.
South America.
And she's meetin' him
in front of the bus depot
tonight.
Well, if that's what
he wants.
(sadie)
How could he do
a thing like that to her?
Do you think the wife
will find out?
I hope so.
I can't wait to see
tonight's episode.
I've got
to watch that show.
What's the name
of that again?
Love is
never a stranger.
[Snorts]
It's Arnold's
favorite t.V. Show, too.
Where did he go?
Do you think he went
right to the bus depot?
I don't think so.
He wouldn't leave
on a long trip like that
without his toothbrush.
Oh, hi.
I was over at--
well, if it isn't
my old friend,
the Mickey slipper.
What?
I told you he'd come home
for his toothbrush.
For my toothbrush?
Dad, you are a cad.
don't call me dad.
Aren't you ashamed
of yourself doing this to mom?
To mom?
Maybe she ain't
the best cook in the world
and maybe she drinks
a little too much,
but that's no reason
to cast her aside
in her old age.
Whose side are you on?
What's he
talking about?
As if you don't know.
You blackguard, you...
Wh-what's go...
You better hurry.
You might miss
your bus to south America.
Who said that I was--
everybody knows,
including Mrs. ziffel.
She told everyone
in the store
h-how you slipped me
a Mickey so that
you and--and what's-her-name
could take off
for the wild blue yonder.
I don't know what you heard.
I always told you,
if a time like this came,
I wouldn't stand in your way.
A time like what?
I better help you pack.
Lisa--
[knocking on door]
'Evening, Mr. Douglas.
Well, Mrs. ziffel.
Say, would you mind if i
watched your t.V. Tonight?
Mine's busted.
Oh, uh, I don't--
listen,
this is very important.
I don't want to miss
tonight's episode
of love is never a stranger.
Well, i--i really--
you see, tonight this
married man is running away
to south America
with this other woman.
But his wife doesn't know,
because he slipped her
a Mickey.
And when she was out cold,
they were planning
to meet at the bus depot.
The bus depot? South America?
Is this what you were
talking about
at the store
this afternoon?
Yeah.
Oh, well, um...
L-look, I hope you
enjoy the show, Mrs. ziffel.
No, wait--wait a minute,
Mr. Douglas.
Oh, I'll be doggoned.
Maybe Sam will
let me watch his set.
Well, hey, you haven't
started to pack
my stuff yet?
Oliver, you don't
really have to go.
Oh, sure, sure.
I wouldn't want
to get stuck
with 2 bus tickets
to south America.
Or maybe
even I could use them.
No, no.
I don't think so.
I wouldn't want
to disappoint, uh,
what's-her-name
and she's all packed.
She's got her passport,
the shots.
Well,
I guess there's
nothing left for me to do
but to pack you.
Well, I guess not.
Uh, would you mind
hurrying it up?
I wouldn't want to miss
the last bus to south America.
What do you
want to take?
Oh, a pair of castanets,
uh,
my Xavier cugat rumba shirt,
and a pair of jodhpurs.
We'll probably do
a lot of llama riding.
don't you want
any shirts or socks?
Oh, anything.
You know how to pack.
You've packed for me before.
Uh, I want to watch t.V.
[T.V. Playing]
Why, you're
a pretty cool customer
for a fellow that's trying
to break up a happy marriage.
Could you hold it down?
I'd like to listen
to the show.
(Narrator on t.V.)
And now for tonight's episode
of love is never a stranger,
brought to you by clurdo,
the wheat germ that fizzes.
Ever listened to this?
I'm not interested.
As you know, last night,
as they were celebrating
their wedding anniversary,
Arthur slipped a Mickey
into Cynthia's champagne.
While Cynthia was out cold,
Arthur and Gretchen
plotted to run away
to south America together.
South America?
Yeah, very popular place
to run away to.
What a coinci--
I wonder if they
are going by bus, too.
(Narrator on t.V.)
We take you now
to the bus depot.
They are.
Arthur is waiting
for Gretchen--
[knob clicking]
What did you
do that for?
They might have been going
on the same bus with me.
They are the ones Mrs. ziffel
was talking about.
Uh-huh.
Well, it seems that one of us
made a mistake.
Hmm, yes.
You did.
Well, I was hoping
you didn't notice.
You see what jealousy does,
it blinds you to the truth.
You get to believe in
that stuff you see
on television.
Well, i--i guess
i was foolish.
Stupid is the word.
Well, I like
foolish better.
All right,
you were foolish.
Well, how can I help
being jealous of you?
After all,
I'm an ordinary simple girl,
lucky being married to
such a handsome, generous,
clever,
debonair, thoughtful--
yes, I know.
I was also going to say
how nice you look
in a bathing suit.
I'll concede that.
Lisa, marriage is based
on trust and respect.
And if you don't have that,
you don't have a marriage.
don't you understand?
Yes, darling.
You know, the thing
that hurts is that
you ever doubted me
in the first place.
I would never dream of
running away
with another woman.
You know why?
Because they hit you
pretty hard
with the community property
in this state.
I'm not talking
about community property.
I'm talking about love.
Now, isn't it possible that
a man could meet a woman,
fall in love with her,
and marry her,
and never want
another woman
as long as he lived?
On what television program
did you see that?
The Beverly hillbillies.
I'm talking about us.
I know, darling.
And I'm glad that you
don't want anybody else.
No, I don't.
You want to
marry me again?
Mmm-hmm.
Oliver,
i want you to know
that from now on
I'm going to be
the best wife
anyone ever had.
Oh.
You know what I'm going to do
for you tomorrow morning?
What?
I'm going down
to the bus depot
and get your money back
for those tickets.
Lisa.
You want to take
your vest off?
(Male narrator)
Jewels designed
by Marvin hine.
(Lisa)
This has been a filmways
presentation, darling.