Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 3 - I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Groaning]

You dirty no-good...

Oliver.

Whose names were those?

(Lisa)
Oliver.

Over here, by the barn.

Oliver, when I came
out of the house,

there were lots of names
in front of me.

Yeah. There were some
in front of me, too.

Who were they?



I don't know.

I got enough trouble
with this darn tractor

and I hit my thumb
with a hammer.

You want me to kiss it
and make it feel better?

Please.

That isn't
very nice.

I'm sorry. Here.

It's too dirty.

What's wrong
with the tractor?

Well, the wheel
came off again.

Oh, I thought that
it was that one
that always fell off.

Which one?
That one.

Oh, how many times
have I told you

not to point
at my wheel?

It wouldn't have been
very good stuck on.

It wasn't stuck on,
it was bolted on.

You want me to
help you to fix it?

You don't know how.

Well, I helped you
with that one.

Lisa,
you're trying me.

I'm sorry, darling.

Did you want something
or did you just

come out here
to point at my wheels?

I came out
to ask you something.

What?

I forgot.

Give me a hint.

Oh, oh, I remember.

Is Arnold ziffel
a friend of yours?

Arnold?

Oh, the ziffel's pig.

Yes.

Well, I wouldn't say
he was a friend.

We say hello
when we meet.

I wouldn't wanna
play bridge with him.

Why?

But you like him?

Hmm, he's all right.
Why do you ask?

Well, the ziffels want
to go away
for a couple of weeks,

and they would
like to leave
Arnold with us.

They usually take
Arnold with them.

Yes,
but not this time.

They are going
to Niagara Falls
on a 2nd honeymoon,

and, well, you just don't
take anybody along
on your honeymoon.

We did.
Your mother.

We didn't
take her along.

We just happened
to run into her
in Europe.

It was a coincidinkle.

Yeah, yeah,
some coincidinkle.

We were riding
on the orient express,

and she came through
selling chopped
chicken-liver sandwiches.

Oliver, I think
we'd better go
on a 2nd honeymoon

because the first one
just about had it.

I was just teasing you
about your mother.

Are you sure?
Of course.

Did she chop
that liver herself?

Oliver!

Oh, it's all right.
You tell--
you tell the ziffels

that Arnold
can stay with us.

[Squealing]

Mrs. ziffel,
what's the matter
with Arnold?

Oh, he's upset
because we're goin' away.

It's the first time
we ever left him.

Oh, he's old enough
to be--

you know, maybe
Fred and me
shouldn't go.

Oh,
now don't be silly.

We'll take care of him.

After all,
what is there
to taking care of a pig?

What do you wanna do
with Arnold's bathtub?

His bathtub?

Just put it anywhere,
Mr. ziffel.

Now, Mr. Douglas,
when you give him his bath,

make sure the water
isn't too hot.

What you gotta do
is stick your elbow--

I have no intention
of sticking my elbow--

Mr. Douglas, would you mind
helping me
with Arnold's t.V. Set?

His t.V. Set?

He likes his own set.

It's easier for him to adjust.

Mr. ziffel, uh,
wait, wait.

Now, here's his diet.

He's got a very
sensitive stomach.

[Grunting]

Nothing fried,
no fatty foods,
no strawberries.

He's allergic to 'em,
breaks out in a rash.

Here's his crib.

I couldn't find
his electric blanket.

What a shame!

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas,

you don't know how much
we've been lookin' forward
to this 2nd honeymoon.

We couldn't go
if we didn't have
neighbors like you.

Yeah, just my luck
you had to move in.

Fred, if you don't
want to go,
just say so.

I don't want to go.

He said that
about our first honeymoon.

Where did you go
on your first honeymoon,
Mr. ziffel?

Oh, I forget.

We went to Chicago,
to the stockbreeders
convention.

Oh, yeah.

Fred won a blue ribbon.

For what?

Her.

Fred, you're askin' for it!

Look, Doris,

why don't we get goin'
and get this stupid thing
over with?

Men!
Well, goodbye, Mrs. Douglas.

Goodbye, Mrs. ziffel,
have a good time.

Thank you.

Bye, Arnold.

[Grunting]

Take care of him,
won't you?

don't worry.
We take good care of him.

Bye, Mr. Douglas.

(Lisa)
Have a good time.

Well,
they're on their way.

They are?
Yes.

All right, off the chair.

[Grunting]

Off the chair.

All right,
now, outside.

[Grunting]

Outside! You're not gonna
live in this house!

[Squealing]

Oliver!

Lisa, if the ziffels
want to treat him
like a spoiled child,

that's their business.

But while I'm his father...

While I'm
taking care of him.

He's a pig,
he's gonna live like one.

[Arnold squealing]

Oliver, turn on the light.

What? What? Oh.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Arnold is crying.

Arnold?

Perhaps he's lonesome,

isn't used to
sleeping in a barn.

Perhaps you better
bring him in.

I'm not gonna bring that pig
into this bedroom.

Go to sleep.

[Arnold squealing]

Perhaps he's cold.

Why should he be cold?
He's got our electric blanket.

Wait till he tells the ziffels
the way you treated him.

Let him tell 'em.
Now, please, will you
go to sleep?

[Banging on door]

Who's that?

[Banging continues]

All right, I'm coming!

[Arnold squealing]

How could you...

How could...
Who let you...

Wait...
That was me.

Eb.

Mr. Douglas, I can't sleep
with Arnold squealing
his lungs out under my room.

I can't sleep either.

Yeah,
but you're the boss.

You don't have
to get up till 11:00.

What do you mean?
I get...

Now, you go on back
to your room and
you take Arnold with you.

Where's Arnold?

Where all good pigs are
this time of the night,

asleep in their cribs.

Nighty night.

Oh, good night.

Shh.

Are you going to leave
the door open like that?

The Monroe brothers
will be here
early in the morning.

Let them fix it.

[Squealing]

Honey, I forgot to tell you
that Arnold can't sleep
with the lights off.

Oh!

Boy, Ralph, they must have had
some wind in here last night.

Knocked the door
right off the track.

He's still
sleepin' it off.

He left the light on.

Well, a lot of guys
are afraid to sleep
in the dark.

Well, what do we do, alf?

What are you askin' me for?
It's your turn to be
foreman this week.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.
How about fixin' the door?

Ok.

What--what?

Morning, sleepyhead.

What time is it?

How do we know?
We're not clock-watchers.

Hold it.

What's the matter?

There happens to be
a lady present.

Where?

Oh.

Ralph, would you please
turn your back?

Oh, certainly.

Hold it.

Out of respect
for my sister.

All right.
You can get to work now.

I want you to fix--

(Lisa)
Breakfast is ready.

We'll be right there.

My wife is calling me.

How can we tell?
She didn't mention
any names.

Just get to work.

Alf, there goes
the greatest argument
against drinking I know of.

[Clattering]

Good morning, darling.
Good morning.

How did you sleep?

I didn't close an eye.

That pig grunts
in his sleep.

It's the last time--

would you like
to have your coffee
now or later?

Now.

Couldn't you wait?
It won't be ready until later.

Then why did you ask?

What's for breakfast?

Chopped chicken-liver
sandwiches.

What?

The orient express
came through and i
bought some from my mother.

All right.

(Eb)
Good morning.

Good morning, eb.

Mr. Douglas, I went over
to the ziffels.

I promised to pick up
their mail every day.

Where's Arnold?
There's a letter for him,

from the government.

From the government?

Selective s-service?

"You are hereby

ordered to report..."

[Laughing]

What's so funny?

Arnold's been drafted.

You turned him in.

I did not.

When does he
have to report?

Tomorrow.

I'd better help him pack.
Oh, eb.

They're not really
going to take him, are they?

Well, they sent him
his induction papers.

If he passes the physical--

I better get in touch
with the ziffels.

Now, don't be silly.
The whole thing's a mistake.

Just forget about it.

Simpkins, Lem.
Check.

Tadwell, John.
Check.

Wilson, Carl.

Check.

Ziffel, Arnold.

No check.

What?

Never showed up
for his physical.

Where does he live?

Over in hooterville.

You know him?

No.

We finally got one.

Spoiled our perfect record.

First one in the county.

Should I send him
another notice?

Oh, no, no.

We've--we've got to go over
and talk to this...

Zuffel person.

Ziffel.

Zuffel?
Ziffel.

We were just
over there.

don't seem to be
nobody down there.

Oh, no,
they're away.

They have a boy
named Arnold?

Yes.

Did he go with them?

No, we're taking care of him
till his parents return.

Oh.

We would like
to talk to him.

What about?

We're from the county
selective service board.

Oh, he got a letter
from you.

Then why didn't he show up
like he was supposed to?

Well, my husband said
he didn't have to.

He laughed at your letter.

Oh, he did?

Thought it was funny.

Yes, he said
the whole thing was ridiculous

and that Arnold
didn't have to go.

Look, lady.
Arnold's in big trouble.

He has to report
for induction.

Why would the army
want Arnold?

He is a pig.

We just let the army
worry about his table manners.

You see that he
gets down there

for his physical
tomorrow morning,
now, you hear?

Report for his physical?

Didn't you tell them
what Arnold is?

Yes, but they said
they don't care
how Arnold eats.

They want him there
tomorrow morning.

All right, I'll have him there
tomorrow morning.

Sergeant.
Yeah?

This induction notice
came yesterday.

[Arnold grunting]

(Oliver)
And I...

Oh, ziffel,
you finally showed up.

Oh, no.

Take your clothes off
and sit down.

[Arnold squealing]

And take the pig outside.

No, sergeant,
I'm not Arnold ziffel.

Oh, I suppose he is.

[Squealing]

Yes, that's right,
he's him.

Take your clothes off
and sit down.

Uh, but, sergeant--

and take the pig outside.

Look, is there anybody here
in authority?

You kiddin', Mac?

Look, somebody made a mistake.

Well, I suppose you're gonna
write to your congressman

and get me court-martialed.

Now, why don't you
take your clothes off
and sit down?

[Squealing]

And take the pig outside.

But, sergeant, i--

the army ain't bad,

once you get
used to the food.

I know all about the army.
I was in the last war.

On whose side?

Now, listen, ziffel--

no, no, Douglas is my--
Oliver Wendell Douglas--

[squealing]

Arnold, please.

Ahem, here's my
identification, sergeant.

My credit cards.
Airline credit card,
telephone credit card,

hotel credit card,
gasoline credit card.

don't you pay cash
for nothin'?

I'm an attorney.

Oh, you're Arnold's lawyer.

Uh, no.
This is Arnold ziffel.

[Squealing]

You know, nobody's tried
to pull a thing like this

since the guy tried
to palm off a kangaroo
as his brother.

Sergeant, I'm telling you
this is Arnold ziffel.

You can ask anybody
in hooterville.

Hooterville?
I think that's where the guy
with the kangaroo came from.

Sergeant!

Look, now you tell
your client, Arnie ziffel,

that if he isn't in here
by tomorrow morning,

we're gonna send
a couple of guys
out to get him.

Well, hello, there.

F.B.I.

F.B.I.?

We have a warrant
for the arrest
of, uh, Arnold ziffel.

I told the draft board,
and I told the sergeant,

and I'm telling you,
Arnold ziffel's a pig.

A pig?

Yes.
His parents left him with us.

Well, um, they're--
they're not his parents.

The ziffels,
they're an old couple that...

They're away
on their honeymoon.

Well,
it's not their honeymoon,
really, it's their...

All right, Mr. Douglas, uh,

you say Arnold
is a pig?

Yes.

May we see him?

Of course.

Where is he?

He's in the bedroom
watching television.

He likes to watch television.

He's always
turning the set on.

Well, come on,
I'll show ya.

Gentlemen,
there is your pig.

Hello, there.

How do you do?

You call a beautiful woman
like that a...

This is my wife.

Lisa, these men
are from the f.B.I.

Oh.

I watch your program
all the time.

Uh, yes?

Did you ever
shoost anybody?

Huh?

Oh, you know,
with a gun, shoost.

Uh, no, we haven't
shoosted anybody.

They're looking
for Arnold.

Now, where is he?

Oh, he went out in the barn
to see Eleanor.

Eleanor?

She's a cow.

You don't have
any respect for women,
do you?

That's her name.

Oh, sorry.

Just a second.

Who are you?

Who are you?

We're with the f.B.I.

Oh, finally caught you.

He's a hot-head,
but he'd never shoost anybody.

They don't want my husband,
they want Arnold.

Have you
seen him anywhere?

Yeah, he was out
in the back with Alice.

Alice?

Chicken.

Come on,
we'll find Arnold.

And then maybe
you'll be convinced.

Why don't we
arrest him?

On what charges?

Oh, he must have
done something.

Gentlemen,
this is Arnold ziffel.

[Arnold grunting]

Uh-huh?

I, uh, don't suppose
he has any identification.

Of course not.

Then we just have
your word for it.

No, anybody around here
will tell you--

Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mr. kimball,
hello there.

I didn't know you were busy.
I'll come back later.

Well, not later,
because--

now, these gentlemen
are from the f.B.I.

Oh.

I'm with the department
of agriculture.

Guess that sort of makes us
sister officers, huh?

Well, not sisters,
but brothers.

Although we're
not really related.

Maybe we are.

Mr. kimball,
i wonder if
you could help us.

Certainly.

Always glad to help out
a brother sister.

Uh, sister fellow.

May I see your
credentials, please?

Say, that's a pretty good
picture of you.

Much better than mine.

Who does your photography?

Mr. kimball, uh,
these gentlemen would like
to ask you a question.

About what?

Do you know Arnold ziffel?

Arnold ziffel.

[Grunting]

Oh, hello, there.

Nice pig.

Arnold ziffel.

Is the name familiar?

No, the name is kimball,
Hank kimball.

Yeah.
That's my thumbprint.

If you got an ink pad,
I'd be glad--

we know who you are.

It's Arnold ziffel we're
trying to find out about.

You're from the f.B.I.

Um, we've already
told you that.

Must be something
pretty serious, huh?

It is.

It just shows you how wrong
you can be about
a person's character.

Mr. kimball...

Mr. Douglas,
it's pretty obvious
what's going on around here.

It's a conspiracy
to help Arnold ziffel
evade the draft.

There's no conspiracy.
I'm telling you.

If you tell us once more,
that that's Arnold ziffel,

you're going to
end up in jail.

That is Arnold ziffel!

If the man from the I.B.M.
Said you shouldn't say it,

well, then you
shouldn't have said it.

It's not the I.B.M.
And this is a free country.
I can say what I want to.

Then why are you in jail?

Did you call bill wingate
in New York?

Yes, he remembered you.

Oh, he-- well that's
very nice of him.

We were only law partners
for 15 years.

I gave him your message.

I told him you're in jail
for helping to keep a pig
out of the army.

What did he say?

He said I should call him
when I am sober.

Oh, no. Well,
i gotta get out of here.

Look, call the ziffels
in Niagara Falls.

Tell them to come back
and straighten this thing out.

Doris.

(Doris)
Yes?

Did you turn on the shower?

It's the falls.

Fred.

Wait till you
see this.

What is it?

It's a negligee.

Mrs. Douglas
gave it to me.

No wonder.
It's full of holes.

It's supposed to be.

Doris, why don't
we go home?

Aw, Fred,
we just got here.

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Hello?

Yes.

Yes, this is
Mr. ziffel.

Long distance?
Who is it?

Oh, hello?

Arnold?

That Arnold?
Let me talk to him.

Hello?
Yes, Mrs. Douglas.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

Yes, I will,
Mrs. Douglas.

Right away.

Pack your duds.

What on earth for?

We're goin' home.

What's wrong?

Arnold's in some
kind of trouble
with the draft board.

What?

Pack your things.

Fred.

Did you arrange this?

Gosh, Mr. Douglas,
you're famous.

Listen to this.

"Oliver Wendell Douglas,
noted hooterville pig lawyer,

was successful in his efforts
to have Arnold ziffel--"

pig lawyer?

You gonna send
Arnold a bill?

Mrs. ziffel said she was
so glad she left
Arnold with us,

because nobody would have
gone to jail for Arnold

except you.

Lisa, this is the last time
I'll do any favors
for anybody around here.

I'm not getting mixed up
in any more nonsense.

Mr. Douglas.
Yes.

I've got a problem.

Oh, it's you again.

What have you
got this time?

Another draft notice.

Take off your clothes,
sit down,
and take the girl outside.

Sergeant, would you please
read the draft notice?

Ralph Monroe.
Where is he?

This is him, uh, her.

Run out of pigs, eh?

Sergeant.

I'll say one thing for you.
You never give up.

Now, where's Ralph Monroe?

I'm Ralph Monroe.

Well, at least this one
can speak for himself.

Sergeant, it's not a himself,
it's a herself.

You stay out of this.

Ok, Mac, take off your dress
and sit down.

No, don't do it.

I'm warnin' you.

Sergeant, they've made
another mistake.

Miss Monroe happens
to have a boy's name.

Mr. Douglas,
if they want me, I'll go.

See, he wants to go.

Do you think I could get
the same outfit
with my cousin?

What's his name?

Louise.

I better get
the psychiatrist.

She doesn't need
a psychiatrist.

No, but I do.

This is a shame
that Mrs. ziffel never got
a chance to wear this.

Well, maybe
it's just as well.

Why do you say that?

It's full of holes.

All I want
is a good night's sleep.

No pigs.

A little peace and quiet.

Good night.

Good night.

Oliver.

Hmm?

I think Ralph was a little sad
because they wouldn't
take her in the army.

She's still got
the Navy and the marines.
Good night.

Good night.

Oliver.

What?

Would you like to go
to Niagara Falls
on a 2nd honeymoon?

With whom?

For a fellow who wanted
to get a good nights sleep,

that wasn't a very smart thing
to say, Jack.

You're right.
I apologize.

If I ever go on another
honeymoon, I want to go
with you. Good night.

You're sweet.

[Mumbling]

Would you like me
to sing you a gypsy lullaby?

Turn out the light.

Then you can't
see my dance.

What dance?

The one which goes
with the gypsy lullaby.

Where are you going?

To get this!

As long as we're gonna have
a musical evening,

we might as well
do it right.

Hey, hey, hey.

[Hollering]

I wouldn't go on
a 2nd honeymoon with him.

He's no fun.

[Whistling]