Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 28 - The Vulgar Ring Story - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Did you find it?

No, I haven't
got the trap off.

What's a trap-off?

Not a trap-off,
it's just a trap
that's part of the drain.

Hand me the wrench.

There.

That's not a wrench,
that's a screwdriver.

Well, what's the difference?

You use a screwdriver
to screw screws,

you need a wrench
to take the bolts off.



What's a bolts-off?

Lisa, please.

But i--

look, I didn't drop my ring
down the drain.

Why are you throwing
that up to me?

Because you did!

Well, why are you
yelling at me?

All I did was ask you
what's a bolts-off.

There's no such thing.

Well, why did you ask me
to hand it to you?

Lisa,

will you find something to do
and let me get this drain off?

What's a drain-off?

It's part of the sink that's
attached to the trap-off!

[Groans]

Have you got something to do?

No.

Well then why
aren't you doing it?

Shut the water off!

Which one is the water-off?

Oh, for--

oh, darling, you won't
need the bolts-off

because the water-off
got the trap-off off.

For crying out--

well, you told me
to do something,

so I thought i'd
wash the dishes.

Is my ring in there?

I'm looking for it.

Well, that isn't it.

It was round
and it had diamonds in it.

How did a scarf get in here?

Well, one day, I lost
the stink sopper.

The what?

Well, you know,
the stink sopper

which stops the water
from running down.

The sink stipper--
the stip stink--

the stop--
the stop stinker.

Yes, so I stuffed
the scarf down there

to keep the water
from running down.

Lisa, you're not
supposed to...

A high heel?

Yes. I used my shoe
to hammer the scarf down in
and it fell off.

Lisa, don't--

is the rest of
my shoe in there?

No, and i--
neither is the ring.

Are you sure
you were wearing it?

Positive. It was
on my left foot.

No, no, I mean the ring.

Yes, this morning
when I woke up,

the first thing I did,
I put it on this finger.

Now the ring is gone,

but the finger is still there.

So that proves it.

Oh, boy. I should
have married that--

hi. What are you doin'?

Oh, I just took
the trap off.

What's a
trap-off?

Eb.

Can I have
a glass of milk?

May I have
a glass of milk?

It's all right with me
if it's all right with
Mrs. Douglas.

Help yourself.
Thanks.

There's no milk
in here!

Just a bottle of champagne,
some cottage cheese,
and a diamond ring.

A diam--

what's it doing
in the refrigerator?

Oh, now I remember.

This morning when
I was doing dishes,

I took it off my finger
and I put it
in the refrigerator,

so it wouldn't fall down
in the drain-off.

Lisa!

Well, it didn't.

What a ring!

It's like a golf ball
with sequins.

I've never seen
a ring like that.

Even in the Christmas edition
of the mail-order catalog

when they have
all kinds
of fancy junk.

Junk?

This is the only ring
of its kind.

And it wouldn't be that

if my father hadn't
schmuggled it by the Nazis

in a jar of chicken's fat.

Yes, yes.

Well, we've heard the story
several times.

Well, that isn't
the whole story.

Before it was
in chicken's fat,

do you know where it was?

I'm afraid to ask.

I ain't.
Where was it?

It was on the finger
of my great-great-grandmother

who was also known
as the queen of the gypsies.

Golly, mother Douglas.

Have you got gypsy blood
in your veins?

Oh, sure. When I first met her
she was telling fortunes

in an empty fish store
on 3rd Avenue.

Oliver!

Lisa, why'd you tell
him a story like that?

"Queen of the gypsies."

Because she was.

Didn't you know that,
Mr. Douglas?

No, this is all new to me.

But then mother Douglas is
always full of surprises.

Would you like to hear
the story of this ring?

Not particularly.

I would.

Eb!

Well, it's better
than working.

Well, my great-great-
grandmother, the gypsy,
married an American.

That's why I married you.

What?

It's the law of the tribe

that every 4th generation
must marry an American

otherwise you lose
the custody of the ring.

Or the American.

Whichever one comes last.

Oh! So you married me
to get the ring?

Well, it was one
of the reasons.

Well, thank you.

The other reason was
that you were always
so nice and clean.

Yes, I kind of--

you never got dirty
even when you were
playing cricket.

I never played cricket.

Will you let me
tell the story?

Go ahead.

Well, it all started in
the south of Hungary

where my great-
great-grandfather

who wasn't so great yet

was sitting under a tree

[Speaking Hungarian]

Well, how do you do?

Where did you come from?

[Speaking Hungarian]

What did you say?

Over there in the woods.

Oh, you understand English.

No, I was reading
your Hungarian subtitles

but you're speaking English.

Oh! You're the first fellow
who told me that.

You must be an American.

How do you know that?

You're so nice and clean.

Well, i--

don't you ever get dirty,
even when you play cricket?

I don't play cricket.

Well, then what are you
doing here?

Well, I'm on a
tramping trip through Europe.

Oh! Looking for tramps?

No, i'm--I'm taking
a walking tour
through Europe.

I'm supposed to meet
my folks here.

What's a "folks here"?

No, it's not a--

who are you?

I'm with the gypsies.

Oh, I never met
a gypsy before.

Didn't you ever have
your fortune told

in an empty stall
on 3rd Avenue?

No, but my name
is Cornelius reinholt.

What's yours?

Lastvogel.

Oh, well,
miss lastvogel--

no, no, lastvogel
is my first name.

Well, then shouldn't it be
firstvogel?

Oh boy, the tourist season
has started.

My whole name is
lastvogel gronyitz.

Well I didn't mean--

but everybody calls me Linda.
That's a nickname
for lastvogel.

Why would they--
but there is no nickname
for gronyitz.

Once you are a gronyitz,
you're always a gronyitz.
But I didn't--

there is no escaping
from that.
I can under--

lastvogel, yes.
But gronyitz, no.
Please, I didn't mean--

but I can't stand here
talking to you. Bye.

Oh, no--no--no, wait.
Where are you going?

I got to steal something.

What?

Today I'm taking
my gypsy test.

Your gypsy test?

Yes. If I steal
something good,
I can become a boy.

I don't quite follow you.

Well, it's the law
of the tribe.

If you steal
something good,
you become a boy.

Otherwise, you have
to stay a girl.

And have to do
all the work

while the boys
just lie around
and steal.

Which is
a pretty good life.

I can understand
your ambitions, but...

You're not built
like a boy.

Built doesn't count
in our tribe.
Excuse me.

No, no, wait.
May I see you again?

Ok.
When?

Well, um,
how about 6:00?

6:00--

that's my watch.

Well, I was
just practicing.

Well, I wish you
wouldn't practice
with my...

May I have
my wallet?

That's my passport.

This what you're
looking for?

Yes. Thank...

You want
the money too?

Yes, I want
the money.

Here.

That's my garter.

You peeked.

You want
the garter back?

No, you can keep it.

Well, I got to go.

Wait. Where do you live?

Our wagons are there
in the woods.

Oh, gypsy wagons.

I'm a painter.
Uh, could I paint
your wagon?

Well, that's fine.
But they were just painted
last month.

No. I mean
put it on canvas.

Oh, it's all right.
Bye. Got to go.

Goodbye.

Anyway,

that was their first meeting.

But at that time
he was only interested
in painting her wagon. So--

I think I saw
this movie.

It's not a mov--

Mr. Kimball,
when did you come in?

When lastvogel was stealing
the watchworks
from corny reinholt.

Are you sure
it wasn't a movie?

Because I remember
seeing Alice Faye in it.

Only she wasn't a gypsy.

But I think it had
the same title.

No, this is a true story.

That's it! Alice Faye in:

No, this is a true story.

It was in living vita-color.

Well, I never saw the picture.
Go on, Mrs. Douglas.

Come on. We've gotta
get back to work.

I'm on my lunch hour.

It's only 10:00.

Oh! I'm on Washington time.

Uh, that's where
the head office
of the department is.

It was the chief's idea
to have us in tune with them,

so that everybody
all over the country

was out to lunch
at the same time.

That means if you're
a county agent in Kansas

and you call up Washington,
they can't say
they're out to lunch.

Because you are.

That's a great idea--

yeah, it makes
for a more efficient
operation.

Uh, that is, if you don't mind
eating supper at 3:00
in the afternoon.

Uh, Mr. Kimball,

I'd like to hear
the rest of the story.

Oh, well.

Anyway, that afternoon,
this painter fellow
showed up at the gypsy camp

with his paints,

canvas, and weasel.

Easel!

Anyway, he was looking
for my great-great-
grandmother.

But she wasn't there.
But her father was.

He was fixing his accrodian.

His accrodian?

One of those things
you squeeze together
to get music out of.

Anyway, he was fixing it.

Get away.

Get away.

Uh, excuse me.

Be right with you.

♪[Accordion playing]

I'm just fixing my accordion.

Well, it blew out last night
on a 'c' sharp.

Oh?

Uh, look, I'm here to, uh--

I know. You want to buy
a love potion.

No, uh--

all you have to do
is to put 2 drops

into your girlfriend's drink--

no. I don't want--

it also cures cold.

I don't have a cold.

How about a magic gypsy doll?

All you have to do
is to stick a pin in it,

and you can kill
anybody you don't like.

No, I don't want to kill--

how about a lucky
gypsy amulet?

It will protect you
against everything.

Except somebody sticking a pin

into one of these dolls
that don't like you.

No, no, I'm here to see
miss Linda gronyitz.

Who?
Miss Linda...

Uh, lastvogel gronyitz.

Oh well, she's
in the wagon, crying.

She flunked her gypsy test.

All she could steal
are these, uh,

cheap watchworks.

Those are not cheap--

what did you want to see
my daughter about?

Well, i--

I spoke to her about
the possibility of
painting your wagon.

They were just painted
a month ago.

No, no, I mean, uh...

Well...

Really, I'd like
your permission to paint her.

What color?

No, no, I mean,

I'd like to put her on canvas.

Well, that's
between you and her.

Lastvogel!

Yeah?

Ah, it's you
with the cheap
watchworks

that kept me a girl.

Oh, I'm sorry
about that.

He wants to paint you.

What color?

Uh, no, I'm an artist.
I'd like to paint
your portrait.

That's up to my father.

It's ok, artist.
You could paint her picture.

What do you want me to do?

Uh, sit over there
on that rock.

[People chattering]

Is this all right?

No, no, uh,
turn your head
a little bit...

Perfect. Just per--

where are my paints?

Olga! Give the man
back his paints.

Thank you.

Where's my canvas?

Roberta, give the man
his canvas.

Thanks.

Now, please, I wish you people
wouldn't take my things.

I've got--

I had an easel.
Where is my easel?

Janos!

Thank you.
Now, just keep your hand--

there was a small
canvas stool here.

[Shouting]
Where is it?

Thank you.

Now, please, would you
move back so I can do my work?

Back! Back!

Thank you very much.

All right!
Who stole lastvogel?

Of course, lastvogel
wasn't really stolen.

She just left
to have her ears pierced

in case somebody wanted
to give her a pair of earrings
for Christmas.

Lisa, this story gets more--

it sure does.

Mr. Haney!
When did you come in?

Oh, I come in
when the king gypsy
was warnin' lastvogel

not to starch the tambourines.

No, you came in
when Alice Faye was--

Alice Faye?

Is she in this picture?

It's not a picture,
it's a story.

Oh! Did I miss much?

You missed the part
where the accordion
blew out in 'b' flat

and injured 12 gypsies.

Or was it 10?

No, it was 'c' sharp.

Oh, it's a musical.

Doggone, I ain't seen
a good musical

since the big broadcast
in 1932.

Why don't we all
get back to work?

Why don't we all
get back to work?

Them is the exact words

that winnie lightner said
to slim summerville

after the theater burned.

I'll never forget.

It brought tears to my eyes

as they walked down Broadway

a-singing that all-time
hit-parade favorite:

There's nothing
more refreshin'

than a good long depression.

Yeah, I remember that.

How'd it go?

♪[Whistling]

That's it!

It sure is.

Where you going?

I'm going to work.

Then you are going
to miss the part
about the gypsy luau.

The gypsy luau?

Oh, I wouldn't want
to miss that.

It was about a week later

when the whole tribe
got together
to sing and dance.

♪[Gypsy music playing]

[Cheering]

Would you like
to dance with me?

Yes, yes, ye--

all right.
Who stole my shoes?

Thank you.

These are not
my shoes!

Thank you.

[Speaking Hungarian]

♪[Music playing]

♪[Whistling]

[All exclaim]

[All cheering]

Congratulations,
my son.

I hope you two
will be very happy
and have many children.

Yes, thank you. We cer--

what was that you said
about many children?

This was the wedding dance.

It's--it's like a proposal,
but with music.

I didn't know about that.

Don't you want to marry me?

Well, I hadn't g-given it--

might not be a bad idea.

Well, it's not that easy.

No. According
to the law of the tribe,
you are an outsider,

and an outsider
can't marry an insider,

and an insider
can't marry an outsider.

Now it's up to you.
Are you in or out?

How do I become an insider?

First, you steal
a white chicken.

What?

Well, that'll prove
that you're a real gypsy.

Why do you people feel
that you always have to st--

what happened to my vest?

Well, it's not
our idea to steal.

But everybody says
that, uh, gypsies steal,

so if it makes them happy,
we steal.

When you got an image,

you have to live up to it.

What do you say?
Are you going
to steal the chicken?

Or are you going to be
an outside bachelor?

All right, I'll
steal a chicken.

[Clucking]

You fink!

Why'd you make
all that racket?

I only wanted to borrow you
a couple of hours
till I could get married.

Cornelius!
Mother!

Father!
Hello, son.

So this is
a Hungarian pokey.

They ought to see
the jail we've got
in scarsdale.

Father, don't be
so American.

Cornelius, we have traveled
halfway around the world
to meet you,

to find you in jail
for chicken-stealing.

Oh, I stole a chicken
so I could become a gypsy.

A gypsy.

Yes. I'm in love
with a gypsy girl.
I want to get married.

Cornelius,

have you been licking
your paintbrushes?

Mother!

I forbid it.

Oh, she's wonderf--

oh, mother,
your knuckle is swollen.

Oh, it is not swollen.

Your father gave me
this vulgar ring.

Yes, the arm garter business
is booming.

Will you stop snapping
your galluses?

Mother, wait till you see
my little gypsy sweetheart.

What does she look like?

Oh, she's beautiful.

Father, you're going
to love her the way I do.

Well, it's all right
with me, son,

but you know how narrow-minded
your mother is
about those things.

Albert!

Cornelius, I want you
to forget this whole--

mother, don't make up
your mind till you meet her.

Mother, father,

I want you
to meet my fiancee,

lastvogel gronyitz.

Arthur, oh!

Cornelius.

Your father and I
would like to talk to you
in the next room.

We'd better not
leave her alone.

She'll steal
everything in sight.

Mother, we have nothing
to talk about.

I intend to marry her,
so you might as well
give us your blessing.

On one condition:

That you promise you will
never come back to scarsdale.

I promise.

Why can't we go
to scarsdale?

Don't start anything.

Since you promised,

uh, you have our blessings.

Muddor!

Fodder!
Oh, darling.

That's enough, papa.

Come, lastvogel.
We hope you'll come
to the wedding.

Oh, indeed we will.

Nice kids.

We ought to give them
a nice fat check
for their wedding.

Where's my wallet?

Oh, you probably left it
in the next room
with your--

who took my earrings?

And as king of the gypsies,
I ask you:

Do you take this gypsy woman

to be your gypsy wife?

I do.

The ring, please.

Oh, I don't have one.
I forgot to get one.

I didn't.

Hey, that's my mother's
swollen knuckle-- uh, ring.

She forgot to give it
to me, so I took it.

Well, I guess
it's all in the family.

♪[Music playing]

And this ring
has been handed down
from then till now.

That's the sweetest story
I ever heard.

Mr. Drucker!
What are you doing here?

It was getting
kind of lonesome in town.

Lisa, next time
you tell a story,
charge admission.

Darling, will you--
will you please get up?
I have to make your bed.

What?

You're going to sleep
out here from now on.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was thinking
about the story,

and the fact that I come
from a long line of gypsies
and you don't.

And according to
the gypsy law we are
not really married

because you never passed
the white chicken test.

I, uh, kind of figured
you'd bring that up.

[Whistles]

[Clucking]

Well?

Well, I guess you're
in the tribe now.

Lastvogel.

Oh, one minute.
You haven't completed
the ceremony.

You have to kiss
my ring and swear--

all right, who took
my vulgar ring?

Oh!

Is this it?

Yes.

Oh, I'm missing
a bracelet.

Oh. No--

May I have my pajamas back?

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.