Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 29 - Who's Lisa? - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out,
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Ooh.

Ooh!

Oliver! Oliver!

Oliver,
the television set
is broken again.

Oh?
What's wrong with it?

I don't know,
the screen does
funny things.

Well, maybe it's
a comedy program.

I don't think so.

It just has
wiggly lines.

Mmm, maybe it's
an eyeglass commercial.



Will you
please fix it?

Lisa, I don't know
how to fix a television set.

But will you try?

I've already missed
a half a million dollars

of the
million dollars movie.

All right,
don't lose my place.

All right.
This is where you are.

You didn't have...
Oh.

This is the
television set.

You don't have
to tell me that.

Well, I didn't want you
to fix the bed,
that's all right.

Good.

♪[Organ music playing]

That's what
it was doing before.

Except that you could
hear the picture,

but you couldn't
see the sound.

Now you can
see the sound,

but you can't
hear the picture.

I don't know
what it could be.

Maybe it's
a radio program.

They don't broadcast
radio programs over
a television set.

(Announcer)
you've just heard an episode

of radio's
favorite program:
Myrt and Marge.

Myrt and ma...

We now resume
television broadcasting.

This is w.P.I.X.L. Radio,

and w.P.I.X.L. T.V.,
broadcasting
on the same frequency.

I don't believe it.

Hello out there
in television land.

Welcome back
to the 2nd half
million dollars

of our million-dollar movie.

Tonight starring
Rochelle Hudson--

[kicks]

That's what happened
when I kicked it.

Oh, well, don't you know
y-you shouldn't kick
a television set?

Well, you just did.

Yeah, but I was trying
to fix it.

Well, you didn't.
And now I can't
watch the program.

Haven't you got
anything else to do?

Well, I could
write a letter.

Good idea.

Uh, who shall I
write to?

Oh, write to one
of your friends.

Which one?

Oh, write to, uh,
any of them.

But if I write to one
I have to write
to all of them,

otherwise,
they get hurt.

All right.
Write to all of them.

I only got one
and I lost her name.

Uh, Lisa,
let me read my book.

There,
here's your place.

Oh, thank you.

Do you think
your mother would like
to get a letter?

I'm sure she would.

Oh, why don't you
write to her?

She knows my handwriting.

Oh.

Why don't you write to her?

What'll I tell her?
We are, or we aren't
going to the opera?

The opera?

You know,
where they sing the stories

in all different languages
which nobody understands,

but there are always
a lot of people,

because everybody
wants to see

what everybody else
is wearing.

Yeah, that's a
very good description.

Then I can tell her
we're going to the opening?

When is it?

Next week.

Oh, I can't go
next week,

that's the busiest time
of the year for me.

Well, it's the first time
we're not going to the opera
since we are married.

Well, I'm sorry.

That we got married?

No, no, no, no, no.
That we're going
to miss the opening.

Then why can't we go?

Lisa, I can't go.
That's my final

absolute last word.

All right, darling,
when you make up your mind
let me know.

[Hammering]

Oliver!
What you doing up there?

I'm hammering on
some new shingles.

Well, watch it.

You just dropped a nail
in one of my hotcakes.

Leave it there.
It'll dissolve.

Well, that's the first time
you insulted my hotcakes

through a hole in the roof.

I'll have to come up here
more often.

[Sighs]

Well, that wasn't
very funny, Morton.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry enough to take me
to the opera opening?

Will you forget
about that opera?

You kept me awake
all night nagging
about the-- oh!

Oh,
are you all right?

Wait there,
I'll be right down.

Are you all right?

I beg your pardon?

Well the--the--
the hammer slipped--

the hammer slipped
out of my hand.

Excuse me.

Harvey!

Breakfast is ready.

Harvey?

Lisa.

Who's Lisa?

Now don't worry,
Lisa.

Who's Lisa?

Uh, the doctor says
you're gonna be all right.

Oh, thank you mister--
uh, mister...

I'm Oliver.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. I'm Oliver.

If you see Harvey,
would you tell him

that breakfast will be
a little bit late?

Who's Harvey?

I gave her
a sedative.

Let's go
in the living room
and talk.

What is it, doctor?

A mild concussion.

But, uh, don't you
worry about it.

She'll get over it.
All she needs is some rest.

And you'd better have
somebody else cook, uh,

what's-his-name,
Harvey's breakfast.

I don't know
any Harvey.

You don't?

No. How come she can
remember his name,

she can't
remember mine?

(Lisa)
Sidney.

Sidney!

There,
she remembered it.

My name is not Sidney,
it's Oliver.

Oh?

She can't even remember
her own name.

Well, sometimes,
in cases like these,

there is a
temporary amnesia.

But you just be
patient with her.

It'll pass.

Now, you just have this
filled out.

And if you need me,
just call me.

Yes, thank you,
doctor.

Say, was Mrs. Douglas
standing there when
you threw the hammer at her?

I didn't throw it,
it slipped.

Is that what
you're gonna tell
the sheriff?

The sheriff?

Turned a little pale
when I mentioned him.

Eb, will you--
I'm just trying
to cheer you up.

Cheer me up?

Look, go to bed,
will you?

I'll finish the dishes.
Yes, sir.

If mom needs anything,
just call me.

She's not your mom.

You gonna tell
the sheriff that, too?

Good night, eb.

Yes, sir.

Oh, you're up.

You feel better?

Better than what?

Lisa.

Who's Lisa?

By the way,
Claude,

as soon as
you've washed up
the dishes,

you can take the rest
of the night off.

The rest of--

and I won't need you
tomorrow,

because Mr. Fredericks
is taking me bowling.

Who's Mr. Fredericks?

How long have you
been working for me,
Claude?

Well, uh...

Then you should know
who Mr. Fredericks is.

Look--
and another thing,

if you don't keep
this place cleaner,
I'm going to call

the agency and
tell them to send me
someone else.

She thinks
I'm the Butler.

Well, what made her
think that?

Well, I was
washing dishes--

does your Butler
usually wash them?

We don't have a Butler.

Did you have one
in the city?

No.

Well, maybe
Mr. Fredericks had one.

I don't know any
Mr. Fredericks.

Now Mr. Douglas,

there's no need for you
to upset yourself.

She'll snap out of this.

But what do I do
in the meantime?

Just act normally.

♪[Whistling]

Well,
how are you feeling?

Fine.

Oh, good.

Excuse me,
what do you think
you're doing, Claude?

Well, i'm, uh, i'm, uh,
getting undressed.

Oh, boy.

Look, i--

button the vest.

Don't be silly.
I've got to get undressed
to get to bed.

[Screaming]
Help!

Stop yelling.

Then button the vest.

No, I'm going to get--

help!

All right,
I'll button it.

There is still
one button open.

That doesn't--
help!

All right,
I'll button it.

You butlers sure
have funny ideas
about things.

I'm not your Butler. I'm--

don't come any closer.

Well, no, I was--

help!

All right!

Take a good look at me.

Do you know who I am?

Claude.

I'm not Claude.

Well, you're certainly not
Mr. Fredericks, because you
haven't got a bowling ball.

Is the name Oliver
familiar to you?

Yes.
Good.

Where have you
heard it before?

It's my mother's name.

It's a lucky thing for you
that my husband isn't here.

What?

He went to Chicago
on business.

I'm your husband!

Then why aren't you
in Chicago on business?

Look, you go to sleep
and we'll talk this thing
over in the morning.

I won't have time
in the morning,

Robert's coming
for breakfast.

Robert?

That proves
you're not my husband,

otherwise
you would know
it's my sister's name.

Good night.

Good night.
And don't forget
to put the children out

before you go to bed.

Alice, get off.
Get off, Alice.

Go on, go on.

Ah, morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hi,
Mr. Kimball.

Yeah. Heard the bad
news about the amnesia.

Yeah, well--
well, don't worry,
you'll get better.

No, I haven't
got amnesia.

Well, you keep
saying that
over and over

and it'll get better.

I don't have it,
Mrs. Douglas has it.

Oh, she caught it
from you, huh?

Yeah, I guess it's
pretty contagious.

Uh, Mr. Kimball--

would you mind breathing
the other way?

I don't believe
I've ever had it.

Although when I
was a kid I caught, uh...

No, they didn't have that
in those days.

Look, Mr. Kimball,
if you don't mind,

I've been under
quite a strain.

You'll get your memory back.

It's my wife,
Mrs. Douglas.

You're doing fine,
you remember her name.

Mr. Kimball--
and mine, too.

Well, I'd say you were
completely cured.

I wish I could say
the same for you.

(Lisa)
Breakfast is ready,
come and get it.

Come on in and have
some breakfast.

Hotcakes?

Yeah.

If you don't mind,
I'll skip it.

I've already used up
all my sick leave.

Mr. Kimball,
I'd appreciate it
if you'd humor her.

Well, ok.

And don't be surprised
if she doesn't
recognize you.

Oh, I won't.
Just act normal.

Well, see if you can act
a little better than that.

Well, good morning.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Kimball.

Who's Mr. Kimball?
You are.

You said
she wouldn't
recognize me.

But she did.
Uh, Lisa...

Who's Lisa?

Mr. Kimball,
won't you introduce me
to your friend?

Oh, yes.

May I present
your husband?

Mr. Douglas, I want you
to meet your wife.

I-I-I don't need
to be introduced
to my own wife.

Uh, Mr. Kimball,
won't you sit down
and have breakfast?

What about
my friend?

Yeah, if he wants to stay,
it's all right with me.

Sit down,
whoever you are.

Thank you.

How come
she recognizes you
and not me?

Well, I think
that's pretty easy
to explain.

She isn't your wife.

Of course
she's my wife.

Wait till you taste
these hotcakes.

Nobody in the world
can make hotcakes
like my wife.

Here we are.

What's this?

Eggs Benedict.

Eggs Benedict?

I'll get
the biscuits.

Looks delicious.

Don't eat it.
It's a trick.

There you are.

Oh, they're-- ooh!

I'll get
the coffee.

I don't believe it.

I told you
she wasn't your wife.

Well, who do you
think she is?

Gee, I don't know,
but whoever she is
I'd keep her,

she's a great cook.

She cooked
eggs Benedict.

Then she's beginning
to recover.

She's her old self again.

Her old self
knew only how to make
those crummy pancakes.

What?

She never made eggs Benedict
in her life.

Never made anything.

How do you explain that?

She must have known
how to cook at one time.

Not to my knowledge.

Well, maybe you
don't know everything
there is to know about her.

I think I do.

You didn't know about Harvey.

And that other fellow
with the bowling ball.

Fredericks.
Yes.

You know,
the thing that disturbs me

is she doesn't even remember
that we're married.

Every time I try
to take my vest off,
she yells for help.

We're married,
but she treats me
like a stranger.

Hmm.

She was more friendly
when I first met her.

Maybe that's
the answer.
What?

Maybe you've got to start
all over again.

Court her.
Oh, doctor.

Win her affection,

bring her gifts,

flowers, candy.

I went through
all that nonsense
before.

It might work.

All right, doctor,
I'll try anything.

Haney, I tell you
it was a crowbar.

It was
an axe handle.
It was a--

well, here's
Mr. Douglas.
Ask him.

What did you belt
Mrs. Douglas with?

I beg your pardon?

It was a crowbar,
wasn't it?

It was an
axe handle.

It was a hammer.

Well then
the bet's off, Fred.

Neither one of us picked
a hit on the head
with a hammer.

You fellows were betting
on what I hit my wife with?

Oh, pay no attention.

How's
Mrs. Douglas?

Has she remembered
who she is?

No, she hasn't.

She doesn't even know
I'm her husband.

I wish Doris was
suffering from that.

Yeah.

How hard do you
have to hit 'em?

Will you leave
Mr. Douglas alone?

Uh, did you want
something?

Yes, I'd like
to buy my wife
a little gift.

Hey, I've got
a nice assortment

of woman pleasers
on my truck.

Haney, Mr. Douglas
came in here
to do his shopping.

Sam, I'm surprised
at you.

Stoopin' to sordid
commercialism,

when this poor man needs
all the neighborly help
he can get.

And, uh, how much was you
figurin' on spendin',
Mr. Douglas?

Oh, I just wanted
something nice.

I just signed up
to handle

the world-famous
line of fredericks'
bowling balls.

Fredericks?

4-holers.

That's no gift
for a woman.

Just something simple
like I used to get before...

Hey, are those
caramels?

Yeah, I got
a whole bin full
on special.

They come
assorted.

Chocolate, licorice,
and chili flavored.

Chili?

They were very popular
when we were importing
field hands from Mexico.

Just give me a box
of chocolate flavored.

I don't have
a candy box.

Would a shoe box
be all right?

Put 'em
in a sack.

How about a bottle
of bay rum?

Doris finds that
real nice for sniffing

after a
hard day's work.

If she likes
sniffing,

how about flowers?

Oh, flowers.
Yeah, that'd be fine.

How would you like
a nice bouquet
of fresh-cut wax roses?

No, no,
I don't want
wax flowers.

And I'd like
carnations.

I've got them
in plastic.

No, no, uh, uh,
real ones.

She likes
real ones.

You can get those
in pixley.

Here you are,
Mr. Douglas.

12 pounds
of caramels.

I don't need--

that's the way they come,
12 pounds for 50 cents,

unless you'd rather have
24 pounds for 80 cents?

No, uh,
12 pounds is fine.

How about some
eisenglass snapdragons?
No.

Or rayon dahlias?
No!

Nylon forget-me-nots.

Fresh carnations!

Fresh carnations.

Wonder what
they're makin'
them out of.

[Knocking]

Yes, sir?
Did you wish
to see somebody?

My wife.

Who shall I say
is calling?

Eb, what are you--

Mrs. Douglas thinks
I'm the new Butler.

The new Butler?
You've been fired.

Eb, will you get
out of the way?

(Lisa)
Who is there, Rodney?

That's me.

Uh, there's a gentleman
to see you.

Looks like a big
butter-and-egg man.

Would you care
to check your laundry?

These are caramels.

Now take 'em
and get out of here.

He didn't get any
chili flavored ones.

Hello there.

Hi.

Aren't you the fellow
who was here for breakfast
this morning?

Oh, you remember me?

Yes, you left a big
ketchup spot
on the tablecloth.

Lisa.

Who's Lisa?

Well if you aren't Lisa,
what is your name?

Let me see,
I think it started

with a "q" or
a letter like that.

A "q."

Oh, I brought you
a present.

Thank you,
where is it?

Here,
they're carnations.

Oh, I haven't eaten
one of those in years.

Don't you
remember that...

Hey, hey!

Don't carnations
mean anything to you?

Yes, it seems that
some fellow brought
me some years ago.

Do you remember who?

No.

Could it begin
with an "o"?

Yes, that's right.

Oscar.

Could it be Oliver?

That's it.
Oscar Oliver.

Oh,
for crying--

you never told me
your name.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

That seems very familiar.

I must have seen it some--

are you on television?

No, you saw it on
a marriage license.

You're married?

We both are.

Here is your
flowers back.

[Wheezing]

Uh, if you'll excuse me,
I have a date tonight.

Mr. Fredericks is
taking me to the opera.

And when she mentioned

that fredericks was
taking her to the opera,

I got the feeling that
she might be faking.

Well, why would
she do that?

Well, before she
had amnesia,

we had a quarrel about
going to the opera.

Uh, I wouldn't
take her.

And you think
she's faking amnesia

just to get
even with you?

Oh, I wouldn't
put it past her.

Mr. Douglas,
I don't think
she'd do a--

doctor.

Have you
ever been married
to a Hungarian?

No.

Well, take my word for it,
she's capable of anything.

One time in Paris

I wouldn't buy
a dress for her,
she had me arrested.

Mr. Douglas,
that has no bearing
on this.

What you want to find out
is whether or not
she has amnesia.

That's right.

Then why don't you
take her to the opera?

♪[Orchestra warming up]

It seems pretty fishy
that Mr. Fredericks

got sick
all of a sudden.

Well, he--

are you sure
you didn't slip him
a Mickey or something?

No, no.
He got an attack
of indigestion

and he gave me
the tickets and told me
to take you.

Uh, would you mind, please,
sitting somewhere else?

Why?

Well, it doesn't look right
for me to be seen
with a married man.

Why don't you
read your program?

Thank you.

Tell me, how did you
sneak out on
your wife tonight?

Lisa, will you--

who's Lisa?

Amnesia.

What nasty thing
did you say to them?

I didn't say...

Look,
you've made your point,
you're at the opera.

Now relax and enjoy it.

Here, look around.

See if you can find
anybody you know.

[People chattering]

Oh! I know him.

That's me.

Oh, you're the fellow
who brought me here.

Yeah.

Oh, there is someone
else I know.

Oh, who?

Harvey!

Hello, Harvey!

Yoo-hoo, Harvey.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Is she all right,
doctor?

Yes, it's just
a nasty bump.

Where did she get
this other one?

Oh, that's where I
hit her with a hammer.

No, I mean,
i--i dropped a...

Where am I?

At the opera.

What happened?

You fell
out of the box.

I thought you weren't
going to bring me
to the opera.

Oh, you remember!

How could I forget it?
I nagged you...

Oliver.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Doctor.

She called me Oliver.

What's your name?

Oliver.

What's your name?
Lisa.

You know your name.

Doctor,
she knows her name.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, that's
very good.

Well, how did I fall
out of the box?

You leaned over
the rail.

And you pushed me.

No, you were
waving at Harvey.

Who's Harvey?

The man you used
to have breakfast with.

I don't know
any Harvey.

Do you know
Mr. Fredericks?

Who?

The man you used to
go bowling with.

I don't know
how to bowl.

But you told me--

Mr. Douglas,
I think you've had

a little too much
excitement, or booze,
or both.

I suggest the both
of you go home.

Call your family physician,
he'll give you something--

we don't need
anything.

[Grunts]

Oh, excuse me.

Ooh!

Oliver, Oliver,
are you all right?

Who's Oliver?

You are.

Oh, no,
I'm sorry, lady.

My name is fredericks.
Claude fredericks.

Now, excuse me,
I have a date.

I'm going bowling.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.