Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 27 - Kimball Gets Fired - full transcript

Ralph Monroe is distraught when her beloved "Hankie" Kimball is fired as the county agricultural agent. His replacement is so rude and insulting that even Oliver is plotting to get Kimball ...

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Kimball.

♪[Whistles tune]

Beautiful day,
isn't it?
Yeah.

Well, not beautiful,
it's more like, uh...

Yes, I guess
you could say that.

♪[Whistles tune]

Well, you seem pretty
chipper today.

Yes. A lot of excitement
in the department.

We got a new chief.

Mr. Treffinger.



Well, he's not new.
He's over 55.

But he's new to us.

[Guffaws]

♪[Whistles tune]

Well, I'm glad you like him.

I sure do.

Yeah. Mr. Treffinger's
nothin' like the old chief.

Very friendly.

You know what he did
this morning?

Called me in his office,
we had coffee,

we discussed my work
in the district,

we must have talked for
2 hours before he fired me.

That's very nice...

Fired?

Who was?

You just said you were.

I did?

Oh. Yes, I guess I was.

♪[Whistles tune]

You're kidding.

About what?

About being fired.

Oh, no, Mr. Douglas.

I wouldn't kid about
losing the only job
I ever had.

♪[Whistles tune]

Kimball,
why were you fired?

Gee, I don't know.

I guess Mr. Treffinger
forgot to tell me.

Didn't you ask him?

Oh, no.
I didn't wanna bother him.

He was very busy.

First day on the job
and all that.

Mr. Kimball,
you're entitled to know
why you were fired.

I am?

Oh. Well, if I ever run into
Mr. Treffinger again,
I'll have to ask him.

Well, I've got to go
clean out my office.

It's the least I can do for
him after I drank his coffee.

What are you going to do?

I just told you.

I'm gonna go
clean out my office.

No, no. I mean about
making a living.

Oh. Well, I don't have
to work for a while.

I've saved up
enough money to...

No, I spent that this morning.

For crullers
to go with the chief's coffee.

Mr. Kimball,
if you need any help--

oh, no, thank you.

It gives me a warm feeling

to know that I have
such a wonderful friend
like you Mr. Um, um...

Douglas.

Oh, yes. He's been
a very good friend, too.

Not as good as you,
Mr. Um, um...

Well, I'll be seeing
you around
the unemployment office.

♪[Whistles tune]

♪[Whistling]

Darling, what's
the name of that song
you are whistling?

That's, uh,
music to get canned by.

Oh, where do
you get canned by?

No, no. It's just
an expression.

It means to get fired.

Oh, you got
fired again?

No. No.
I didn't get fired.
Kimball did.

What a shame.

Ho, he's not
upset about it.

He was happy.
He was whistling.

He's probably happy
on the outside and
whistling on the inside.

What does that mean?

It means that you can
be happy on the outside
and crying on the inside.

So that when somebody
looks at the happy face,

they don't know that
inside they're all wet.

That's a lovely
piece of philosophy.

If I were you, I would
put music to that.

Get some violins behind it--

would you put your foot up?
Your foots up.

Put your feets up.

What's the matter
with the vacuum?

Nothing.

It's not making any noise.

It only makes a noise
when it's plugged in.

Well, if it's not
plugged in, it's not
gonna pick up the dirt.

There isn't any dirt.

Then why are you vacuuming?

I am not.

It's not plugged in.

Oh, for--

you can put
your feet down.

Yes, thank you,
thank you.

Oh, are you going
in the bedroom?

Yes, why?

I was going
to vacuum there.
Well, go ahead.

Are you sure
that the no noise
won't disturb you?

It won't if you
do it quietly.

♪[Whistles tune]

I've heard this song before.
Is it from an opera?

No, it's not.

It's very familiar.
I've heard it somewhere.

I picked it up
from Mr. Kimball.

Oh, everybody
is whistling it.

No, no.
Only those who were
fired by Mr. Treffinger.

Oh.

♪[Whistles tune]

Why was
Mr. Kimball fired?

Probably because
he was whistling
that stupid song.

Whistling is no reason
to fire anybody.

Humming maybe.

♪[Lisa hums]

It becomes
very annoying.

Yes, it does.

Uh, look.
I haven't the faintest idea,
why Mr. Kimball was fired.

He doesn't even know.
They didn't tell him.

They had to.
You just can't
fire somebody

without telling them why.

They always told my father
why they fired him.

Your father?

I never knew that he did
a day's work in his life.

Now you sound
like my mother.

If I sounded like your mother,
you wouldn't understand
a word I said.

Well, that's a nice thing
to say when Mr. Kimball
has just been fired.

Uh, yeah.

He's out of a job
and all you can do is
make fun of my mother.

I didn't make fun
of your mother.

Then why was
Mr. Kimball fired?

I told you I don't know.

And you don't care.

I do.

Then, why aren't you
up there fighting for him
to get back his job?

Why should I be?
He's not fighting
to get it back.

Because he's a nice,
sensitive gentleman.

Not a hothead like you.

I'm not a hothead.

If you were
any kind of a friend,

you'd be in
Mr. Treffelfinger's office

blowing your cool at him.

Blowing... treffinger...

Lisa, would you
do me a favor?

Will you keep your
big Hungarian nose
out of this?

Well, that's the last time
I ever marry him.

♪[Whistles tune]

♪[Whistling]

Will you stop whistling
that silly thing?

Well, I can't help it.
It keeps running
through my head.

It's got plenty of room
to run around in.

What was that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

It must've been something
or you would have
said it out loud.

You're right.

♪[Whistling]

♪[Whistling]

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

Well, it's nice of you
to show up.

Thanks. I always like
to work for somebody
who appreciates me.

You're 3 hours late.

Where's your brother?
She's outside.

Yes, and I'm not
coming in.
What?

This place has
too many memories.

Or for the...
What's wrong with her?

She has
a calcium deficiency.

Why is she crying?

Ah, you know how
women carpenters are.

Ralph!

Ralph!

(Ralph)
What do you want?

What are you
doing up there?

I'm calling my dressmaker
and canceling my trousseau.

Keep ringing, Sarah,
he's gotta be there.

Now, get off of there.

No.

Come on.

No!

Either you come on down,
or I'm gonna come up there.

Who are you
hollering at now?
Ralph.

What did you chase her
up there for?

I didn't chase her up there.

Hello, there.

Howdy doody,
Mrs. Douglas.

Well, you got her
crying pretty good.

I didn't make her cry.

Come on down, Ralph.
I won't let him
hit you anymore.

Thank you.

Nobody hit her.
She was this way
when she got here.

I'll testify to that.

Started this morning
when she got the phone call.

From whom?
From...

[Bawling]

Oh, don't cry,
Ralph, darling.

No, don't cry.
Go on into the house
and get to work.

And it'll take your
mind off of...

Whatever it is.

I'm never going
in that house again.

Never, never!

That's where
I first met him.

Met whom?

The fellow I got
the phone call from.

Yes, but whom?

Hank kimball.

Hank kimball?

Yeah. You know,

♪[whistles tune]

Stop whistling that.

It's our song.

What has Mr. Kimball
got to do with this?

He called off
the wedding.

Who's he
gonna marry?

Well, me!

You big oaf.

Oh, you were going
to marry Mr. Kimball?

We were keeping it
a secret until he could
save up enough money.

And then he got fired
and now he says he can't
afford to go through with it.

[Crying]

Oh, no wonder
he was so happy
about being fired.

Yeah, he was
whistling up a storm.

I'm sorry, Ralph.

$87 more,
and I would have been
Mrs. Hank kimball.

Oh, it's a shame.
But he'll get another job.

I don't think so.

Well, Mr. Douglas
will go and see
Mr. Tresselfingers--

I'm not goin'.

[Bawling]

Well, if he won't,
I will.

Excuse me.

♪[Whistling]

Mr. Tressin...

Mr. Tre...

Excuse me.

Mr. Treffinger.
That's what it is.
Thank you.

Mr. Treffinger. Yoo-hoo.

Yes, madam?

Oh, are you,
Mr. Treffinger?
Yes, that's right.

You must be pretty
proud of yourself,
doing what you did.

Especially
without any reason.

I don't follow you.

You better not.
I'm married.

Would you care
to sit down?
No.

Would you like
some coffee?

No, thank you.
I know how that works.

First the coffee,
then you charge me
for the crullers,

then you start whistling,
and then I'm fired.

Would you mind telling me
what you're talking about?

As if I didn't know.
Mr. Kimball, that's what.

Kimball?

You've got to give him
back his job.

He needs it. He was
saving up to marry Ralph.

Ralph?

Yes, one of
the Monroe brothers.

There are 2,
Ralph and alf.

Ralph is
the pretty one.

The pretty...

Not at work,

but when Ralph puts on
a dress and makeup,

that is a different carpenter.

I'm afraid
I don't know what--

well, are you going to give
Mr. Kimball back his job?

Or is Ralph going to stay
a woman bachelor?

Oh, is Ralph a girl?

What did you
think he was?

Will you give Mr. Kimball
back his job?

I'm sorry, but I can't.
I've already hired a new man
to take his place.

Well, why did
you fire Mr. Kimball
in the first place?

Well, I've just taken over
the department.

I'm sure you heard
the expression:

"A new broom
sweeps clean"?

No, how does it go?

Well, you...

I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas,

but there is absolutely
nothing I can do
about Mr. Kimball.

Well, that about does it.
Now, how many rows is that?

Uh, 12.

Oh, that's impossible.
Here, let me have that.

More than
you figured, huh?

3, 5,

9, 16.

I'm looking for
a Mr. Douglas.

I'm Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Harvey schmidlapp.
I'm your new county agent.

Oh, how do you do? Uh,
this is eb, my hired hand.

Glad to know you,
harve.

Uh, Harvey, Harvey.

Uh, Mr. Douglas,

I've been touring
the farms in the district.

Getting to know the people,
seeing if there's
anything I can do to help.

That's nice of you.
Mmm-hmm.

Now, uh, how many acres
do you have here?

300.

Do you have any
under cultivation?

I beg you pardon.

Well, I meant
how many do you have
under cultivation?

Uh, 280. Corn,
wheat, and tomatoes.

Good. I'd like
to see your cornfield.

This is
my cornfield.

A little hard to tell,
of course, with all these, uh,

weeds around.

What? Don't
pick that.

That's my cornstalk.

What happened
to it?

What do...

I can see we've got
a lot of work to do here.

Now what about
your wheat?

You got a lot of work
to do there, too.

Hey, eb, will you...

Now, put that...

Mr. Douglas, how long
have you been farming?

2 years.

You should have learned
something by now.

Now, see here.

It's my job, Mr. Douglas,
to give you
any assistance you may need.

Well, I appreciate it--

with the population explosion,
the world faces an even
greater need for food.

And the farmer's in
the frontline in this battle
against the shortage of food.

It's up to him to produce
more and more.

Now, we can't waste
valuable land like this
growing junk.

Mr. Schmidlapp.

Don't worry, Mr. Douglas,
I'll, uh, take it up
with the chief.

And I'm sure we can
work out some solution
to your problem.

♪[Whistles tune]

Don't bother.

Of all the officious,
insulting--

high-handed,
mean-mouthed fella
as I ever run into.

Oh, schmidlapp's
been giving you
a hard time too, huh?

Well, not personal,
but he gave Doris
a pretty good goin' over.

What for?

Told her she didn't have
her plow hitched up right.

And she's been pullin' it
that way for 30 years.

Nobody ever found fault.

I didn't like
his attitude neither.

Had a lot of nasty things
to say about the way
I raise chickens.

Such as?

He said I was feedin'
them the wrong stuff.

I told him,

if it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for them.

What did he say to make
you mad, Mr. Douglas?

He knocked my corn.

Oh, he shouldn't
have done that.

No, them skinny stalks
couldn't stand much knockin'.

Mr. Ziffel,
I don't think--

well, he was just
tryin' to do his job.

Kimball did his job,
but nobody got mad at him.

Yeah, he was funny.

What was that he said
about your tomatoes?
Oh, yeah.

He said that they looked like
olives that got sunburned.

[Laughing]

I don't think--

old kimball sure knew how
to zing them zingers.

Kimball was a good man.

Sure was.

Mr. Douglas,
is there any way
we can get kimball back?

Yes.

We could get up a speti...

I mean, a pestish...

Well, whatever it is,

you get it up
and we'll sign it.

Yes, sir, may I help you?

Yes, my name
is Douglas.

Douglas?
Douglas.

There was a woman
in here the other day
named Douglas.

A real nut.

That nut was my wife.

Oh, i'm--I'm sorry.
I--i didn't mean that to...

Won't you sit down?

♪[Whistles tune]

Now then, sir, what
can I do for you?

Well, I have a spetition,

a petition

signed by everybody
in hooterville here.

We want Mr. Kimball back.

May I ask why?

Frankly, we're not
too enchanted
with Mr. Schmidlapp.

Oh.

He's overbearing,
he's undiplomatic,

and grossly insulting.

Nobody likes him.

We demand you get rid
of Mr. Schmidlapp

and reinstate Mr. Kimball.

You demand?

Yes.

I'm a taxpayer.

I was wondering when
you'd get around to that.

Mr. Treffinger,
I don't like your attitude

any more than I like
Mr. Schmidlapp's.

Now, we want
Mr. Kimball back.

He was a great county agent.

Well, he wasn't a great
county agent, but he...

At least he knew
what he was...

Well, he didn't always
know what he was...

Mr. Douglas,

I have hired
Harvey schmidlapp.

And until such time
as he proves unsatisfactory,

or until he wants to quit,
he has the job.

Good day, sir.

Good day!

Mr. Treffinger said

that the only way
kimball would get
his job back

would be if
schmidlapp
were to quit.

And it doesn't...
What are you doing?

I'm making
an upside-down cake.

Why do you keep
turning it?

Well, when I took it
out of the oven,
I couldn't remember

whether I put it in
with the upside down
or downside up.

Now I want to find out
the upside
so I can put it down.

What difference does it make?
One side looks
as bad as the other.

Well!

It seems we have another
Harvey schmidlapp
amongst us.

Lisa, you want
kimball back, don't you?

Yes, but how can we get rid
of Mr. Schmidlapp?

I don't know.

Must be some way.

Howdy doody.

Yes. There is.

My advice would be
to plow it all under

and just start
from scratch.

Uh-huh, why don't I just
sell the whole place
and get out?

Now you're thinkin'.

Yeah, but you
don't know what.

I beg you pardon.

Oh--oh, look,
why don't we step inside

and discuss my problems
over a cup of coffee?

This is your house?
Yes.

Well, of course,
I'm only concerned
with agriculture.

This would be a matter
for the department
of public health.

You miserable--
huh?

Come in,
come in.

Lisa, uh, this is our
new county agent.

Harvey schmidlapp.

Hello, there.

How do you do?

Any coffee?

Yes, Ralph is making it.

Oh, is Ralph here?

Howdy doody.

How do you do, sir?

She's not a sir, sir.
She's a girl, sir.

Uh, Harvey, uh,
this is miss Monroe.

Uh, Ralph, this is
Harvey schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp?

What a strong,
masculine name.

Well. I, uh...

Would you like
some coffee?

Oh, of course,
he would.

So your first name
is Horace.

That's my
favorite name.

No, Harvey
is my name.

Oh, Harvey.

I like that
even better.

I'm glad
you changed it.

Look, I didn't.

Oh.

Oh.

Are you married?

No. No, I'm not.

Neither am I.

Isn't that
interesting?

Yeah.

Come on, Lisa.
I think these two
wanna be alone.

No, no. There's
no need for that. Uh...

I'm glad you're
the county agent.

I'll be seeing
a lot of you.

Uh, really?

Do you believe
in love at first sight?

You say
Mr. Schmidlapp quit?

Why would he do
a thing like that?

I'll tell you
why he did it--

wait--wait. Let--let
Mr. Drucker tell it.

Well, the way I heard it,

schmidlapp suffered
some sort of
a nervous breakdown.

Busted into treffinger's
office, and yelled:

"I ain't gonna marry
no carpenter."

Punched treffinger
in the nose, and joined
the roller derby.

How about that?

Uh, Mr. Douglas,

this carpenter that
sent him into shock,

couldn't have been
Ralph, could it?

Not only could it,
it was it.

Doggone, I don't
know what Ralph has,

but nobody seems
to want it.

Well, whatever
she has,

I don't think
it's nice to use it
to scare people.

Look, we all tried
to get along
with Harvey,

and anyway, everybody
wants kimball back.

Well, I don't think he's gonna
be able to get back
to work too soon.

Why not?

You know where he's been
since he got fired?

No.

In a bar, up in pixley.

I don't see
him anywhere.

♪[Whistling]

No, but
I hear him.

I'll ask
the bartender.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh. What'll you have, folks?

Mr. Kimball.

Shh.

Everybody around here
calls me "hey, you."

Are you
working here?

Yes.

And we thought
you were just stoned.

Oh, no. I never
touch the stuff.

Well, what're
you gonna have?

Uh--
I will have a--

oh, I'm sorry, madam.

No unescorted
ladies allowed
to sit at the bar.

She's with me.

That's what they all say.

Look--

do you have
any identification?

The sheriff's pretty strict.

Mr. Kimball,
we've got some
good news for you.

Yes. You're going
to get your job back.

What's good about that?

Don't you wanna be
county agent again?

No. It pays too much money.

A man could get married
in no time at all
on a salary like that.

If you don't mind,

I'd rather work here
and be just plain "hey, you."

Instead of Mr. Ralph Monroe.

Uh, Mr. Kimball,

it might interest
you to know

that Mr. Treffinger's
got a new rule.

He wants only
single men.

Anyone who gets
married is subject
to immediate dismissal.

Then Mr. Kimball
can't marry Ralph.

Well, under
those circumstances,

let's go.

♪[Whistles tune]

Oh.

I had to supply
my own pretzels.

Oliver, answer me.

Lisa, I'm trying
to fix the...

When did they
start that rule?

What rule?

Where they don't
allow married men
in the county agents.

Oh, that rule.

There is no such rule,
is there?

Well, if there isn't,
there should be.

But you should have never
told it to Mr. Kimball.

Lisa, Mr. Kimball's
got his job back,

Ralph is chasing him.
Everything is
back to normal now.

And now our symphony
orchestra brings you

the first performance
of a new work,

fugue for
flute and timpani.

♪[Playing tune]

♪[Playing tune]

And you said
it would never be popular.

♪[Playing tune]

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.