Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 26 - Getting Even with Haney - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Got you.

Got who?

Them names.

What names?

Doris here?

Yes.

Come on inside, Mr. Ziffel.

Where is she?

In the kitchen.

[Dryer whirring]



Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Ziffel.

Hi, Fred.
Hi.

Hello, Arnold.

I said hello, Arnold.

Arnold!

Fred, you know he pays
no attention to anybody
when he's watching t.V.

T.v., that ain't a t.V.,
that's a dryer.

[Squealing]

[Sighs]

Now what'd you have to
tell him it was a dryer for?

Yes,
he liked the program.

I got your note
saying you was over here.

You know your handwriting's
gettin' worse all the time.

I could hardly read that.

Well, I didn't write it.
Arnold did.

How could a pig write--

Doris,

I thought I told you not
to do your laundry over here.

Oh, it's all right,
Mr. Ziffel. We don't mind.

Wouldn't have to come
over here and do my wash

if you'd buy me
a washing machine.

Now what do you need
a washing machine for?

Didn't I move a new rock
down by the creek for you?

How could Arnold possibly--

come on, Doris. Let's
get this stuff outta here.

Fred!

It ain't nice for Mr. Douglas
to see my lingerie.

Oh, that's all right.
I've seen...

How could Arnold
possibly write--

I got him a ballpoint pen
for his birthday.

Oh, that's impossible.

Mrs. Douglas
doesn't have to pound
her clothes on a rock.

Even with a ballpoint pen
a pig couldn't possibly--

come on, Arnold.
Come on, Doris.

Oh.

Thanks a lot,
Mrs. Douglas.

Thanks so much.

Bye, Mr. Douglas.

They must think
I'm some kind of a nut.

Trying to get me to believe
that Arnold could possibly
write a note like...

Well, it's his handwriting.

Oh, come on.

(Eb)
Mr. Douglas,
could you come out here

and help me carry this
in the house?

Just a minute!

You take the front end
and I'll take the back.

Where did this come from?

Mr. Haney delivered it.

He said you ordered it.

I did not order it.

He left a copy of the order
with your signature on it.

That's not my signa--

that's not even
my handwriting.

In fact,
it looks more like--

no, he couldn't!

That's very pretty.
Whose picture is that?

That's not a picture.

Well, it looks like someone.

It's just another one
of Mr. Haney's
pieces of junk.

Well, then
why did you buy it?

I didn't buy it.
And it's going back.

Don't you even
want to see what it does?

What it does?

Watch.

Oh, it's a cigarette lighter.

No, ma'am,
it's a barbecue starter.

If that isn't
the most ridiculous--

Mr. Haney said
her stomach is wired for t.V.

All you have to do
is put in a screen.

Where does Mr. Haney
get these stupid ideas?

I think his mother knits them.

I don't care
if his mother does knit--

well, it's going back.

Mr. Douglas, would you mind
repeating that?

Yes,
I'm returning this.

Oh, it's the wrong color.

No, it's--

I got the same thing in pink
you might like better.

No, I don't--

of course, uh, you can't
start barbecues with it

but the head lights up,

and you can use it
as a porch light.

I wouldn't want it
if it played yankee doodle!

I got that in yellow.

I don't want it in any color.

Well, fortunately
this art object

comes with a 10 day
exchange privilege.

So if you'll just pick out
anything else you want--

I don't want anything.

Ok, Mr. Douglas.

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Thank you.

Ok, that'll be $3.

$3? For what?

Well, $1.50
for delivering the statue

and $1.50
for an hour's rental.

Mr. Haney, you delivered
this monstrosity

without any
authorization from me.

You signed the order.

That was not my signature.

That wasn't your signa--

no!

Well, it must have
been the other
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

What other
Oliver Wendell Douglas?

The one that writes
like Arnold.

Mr. Haney,
I'm warning you.

I'm about fed up
with your tricky
merchandising methods.

You're gonna go too far
one of these days

and I'm gonna help
nail you.

Care to buy a hammer?

Well, Oliver,
here it is, a week later.

A week later than what?

Than when Mrs. Ziffel came
over here to do her washing.

I know it's a week later.

You don't have to march
in here and announce that.

Well, that's how they always
do it in the movies.

It's either somebody comes in
carrying a sign which says:

Here it is, a week later.

Or a calendar falls
apart for a week

or somebody comes out
and says:

"That week sure went by fast."

Yeah, they do a lot of
clever things in the movies.

They do another thing
in the movies

where the screen
kind of swims.

Yes, I've seen it.

Now, that shows
that you're dreaming.

I wish I were.

But in this kind of situation
they only do
the one-week-later thing.

Would you mind telling me
what you're talking about?

Well, I would love to
but I haven't got time.

Would you mind
taking off your shirt?

What for?

I promised a friend
to fill up a laundry bag.

Lisa, I don't have--

Mrs. Ziffel finally got
her laundry machine.

I'm taking over all
the washing and we're
going to have a wash out.

Oh, she finally talked Fred
into buying her one, huh?

Well, it wasn't so much
the talking, it was
the nagging that did it.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

He didn't get
much sleep that night.

Mrs. Ziffel dragged up
a rock from the creek

and pounded the clothes
on it all night.

Yeah, I can see how that
might make a man crack.

It didn't do any good
for the rock either.

Yeah.

Would you like to
take me over there
and see the washing machine?

No, I've already seen
a washing machine.

Not like this one.

Mr. Haney said it was
the only one of its kind.

Mr. Haney?

They bought a washing machine
from Mr. Haney?

Fred, I never heard
of a grabwell.

Of course you didn't.
It's an imported machine.

Haney says
it's made in Sweden.

Oh? How do you work it?

Well,
the instructions say:

"Honorable sir or madam"

them Swedes sure
are polite, ain't they?

Yeah.

"You are now proud owner

"of grabwell washing
machinery.

"Banzai!"

"Bonsai"?
What does that mean?

Haney says it's kind
of a Swedish blessing.

Ah.

"To operate

connect water hose
to faucet."
Will you do that?

Sure.

Fred, you said you were
going to buy me
a new washing machine.

Oh, honey, this is
much better than a new one.

Haney had it
all reconditioned.

Includin' the instructions.

Well, the hose
is connected.
What's next?

Now, let's see.

Says, "install washing unit."

Which is the washing unit?

I guess it must be that.
That's the only thing
we got left.

How do you install it?

It says:

"Clamp unit to inside rim

of washing drum."

Go ahead and clamp it on.

And I'll plug in
the water pump.

Why don't you lift this thing

and let--let me plug in?

Do you know anything
about electricity?

No!

Then clamp it on.

[Music playing]

Sorry, Arnold,
I need this outlet.

[Squealing]

Oh, you seen
that picture 3 times.

Well, it's clamped on.
Now what?

Throw the washing in and
I'll start the water pump.

All right.

"Throw switch

and turn red valve."

Ah.

Fillin' up nice, ain't it?

Now what do we do?

"Set speed control lever
on washing unit forward

"and pull cord sharply.

"Under no circumstances
reverse engine

while boat is
approaching pier."

What does that mean?

I don't know. Probably
some Swedish superstition.

Pull the cord.

[Motor whirring loudly]

[Squealing]

Come on, Fred.

Abandon ship!

[Explosion]

You and your great
big grabwell.

[Arnold grunting]

(Lisa)
Don't cry. Arnold.

You can watch television
in our house.

Look at
our beautiful home.

Don't you cry,
honey.

Haney'll pay for this.
Where's my gun?

Mr. Ziffel,
violence is no answer.

Stand aside.

You can't take
the law into your own hands.

If you've got a grievance,
take it into the courts.

This country was founded
on a principle
of justice for all.

The very backbone
of our democracy
depends on the courts

where wrongs can be righted.

And when I get haney.
I'm coming back after you.

Oh, Fred. Calm down.
Mr. Douglas is right.

Take haney to court.

I'll be glad
to take the case.

No, thank you.

You look like a loser to me.

Why, Mr. Douglas
is a very good lawyer.

Do you think you can win it?

Yes, I do! I think we can
make haney pay
through the nose.

Well, if you can do that,
Mr. Douglas,

you have got a client.

I don't care
how much you charge me

just as long as
you get haney.

It'll be a pleasure.

(Judge)
While I know your attorneys
have informed you of the fact

I'd like to make it clear

that you are entitled to
a jury trial if you so wish.

I don't want no jury trial,
your honor.

Me, neither.

I'm perfectly willing to
leave the decision up to you.

Because I know you're fair
and impartial

and whichever way you decide
is all right with me.

Thank you.

Thank you, cousin Leroy.

Cousin Leroy?

On my mother's side.

Uh, your honor,

with all due respect to
the integrity of the bench

may I ask you
to disqualify yourself.

Granted.

And to set your mind
at rest, Mr. Douglas,

I am in no way related
to the defendant.

Thank you, your honor.

Ready for the plaintiff,
Mr. Douglas?

Ready, your honor.

Ready for the defense,
Mr. Jefferson?

I'm ready,
aunt tillie.

Aunt tillie?

And I can assure
everyone concerned

that I am not in any way
related to anyone
in this case.

And I'm here to testify
that what my dad
just said is the truth.

Order.

Ready for the plaintiff?

Uh, yes, your honor.

Ready for the defense?

Ready.

You may make
your opening statements.

Uh, your honor, uh,
we intend to show--

[grunting]

What did you say,
counselor?

I said, your honor,
we intend--

sounded like "oink."

I didn't "oink,"
your honor,

that was Arnold.

[Grunting]

Will the bailiff
please remove that pig?

[Squealing loudly]

Your honor!

Arnold has a lot
to do with this case.

It was his television set
that was smashed up

by the washing machine,

and now he can't
watch television.

He can't watch tele--

[clears throat]

Madam, who are you?

I am Mrs. Plaintiff's lawyer.

Lisa!

(Judge)
Order!

Counselor, will you
please make your
opening statement.

Uh, yes, sir,
your honor.

We are suing Mr. Haney
because he sold my clients,
the ziffels,

a defective washing machine.

For years now, Mr. Haney
has victimized the people
of this valley.

This is not an insulated
isodent. This is not the--

I mean an ice-- inc-- ison--

this is not an in--

for many years the poople
of heeterville have--

the peep pit of the hootle--
the people--

"...and in his opening
remarks to the court

"lawyer Douglas stated

that this was not
an insulated isodent."

What's
an insulated isodent?

I don't know.
It's probably lawyer Latin.

Oh.

I--i like this thing here
that he says about

the poople of
heeterville valley.

Whoever they are.

Well, that's us.
Mr. Douglas just got excited.

Oh.

You think Mr. Douglas
is going to win?

If he does. I'm going to
get him to sue haney for me.

What did you
buy from him?

That automatic coffee grinder.

Does it work?

No. It just chases me
around the store.

Well,
at least it moves.

Which is more than I can say
for that sports car
haney sold me.

What sports car?

That one.

Having listened to both sides

the court finds
for the plaintiff.

Mr. Frederick l. Ziffel.

And awards him damages
in the amount of $250.

Court adjourned.

Fine work, Mr. Douglas.

[Arnold squealing]

We're going to appeal
this case, Douglas.

That's your privilege,
counselor.

No, we ain't going to appeal.
Mr. Douglas won
fair and square.

And if the judge says
that I owe Fred

$150 then I'll pay it.

$250.

$250, is that correct?

You know
darned well it is.

I was asking
my attorney.

That's what the judge said.

Well, if the judge
said $200 then I'll--

$250.

Well, you'll have to
give me a little time

to liquefy
some of my assets.

Just don't take too long.

Congratulations,
Mr. Douglas.

Well, thank you,
Mrs. Ziffel.

[Squeals]

Oh, thank you, ar--
I mean...

Well, so long.

Just a minute, Fred ziffel.

What about Mr. Douglas' fee?

Fee? For what?

For his lawyer work.

If it hadn't been
for him

we'd have had to pay for
all the damage ourselves.

Is there a charge?

Of course
there's a charge.

Say, whose side
are you on?

How much do we owe you,
Mr. Douglas?

Well--

in the city he used
to get $5,000.

We're not in New York.
We want to know how much
you charge in hooterville.

Oh, $25.

$25? For what?

Fred.

When you asked Mr. Douglas
to take this case

you told him
you'd pay him anything.

Well, that was before
I know'd he was gonna win.

If you think I'm not
entitled, i--

oh, yes,
of course you are.

Now let's see
what I owe you.

Now for this trial
you put on a clean shirt
this morning.

Well, yes, i--

well, that's 40 cents
for laundry

and you didn't have
that suit pressed, did you?

I certainly did.

Well, I could argue
with you there

but we'll let it go.
That's 75 cents
for the suit,

and the shine
is 15 cents,

plus gas and
the French dip sandwich
you had for lunch.

I'd say $4 ought to cover
the whole thing.

Mr. Ziffel,

a lawyer's fee is
not based upon his
out-of-pocket expenses.

It's based on his years
of training, his knowledge,
his experience.

I ain't gonna quarrel
with you there.

I'll give you $5.50.

Fred, Mr. Douglas
asked for $25.

And that's what
we are gonna pay him.

[Grunting]

Good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Just come by
to pay the $250

as ordered by the judge.

You owe that money
to Mr. Ziffel.

Just wanna
keep it legal.

Now, if you'll just
sign this receipt.

Uh, wait a minute,
where's the $250?

Oh! Right there.

You're gonna palm off
that pile of junk
in payment of the judgment?

Junk?

Each and every piece of that
magnificent merchandise

is an antique,
or an heirloom, or both.

Mr. Haney,

that pile of junk
isn't worth $8.

To the unappraiseable eye,
yes.

I had each and every one
of these objects de art

evaluated by an
inumpeachable source.

County tax assessor.

Or as we sometimes
call him, cousin Joe.

Cousin j--

on my father's side.

Now if you will just
total up these tags

you'll find that
the entire lot

comes to $253.

I threw in this $3
t.V. Enlargin' bubble

to take care
of the sales tax.

Now if you'll just
sign here.

Mr. Haney,

I'm not going
to sign anything
on behalf of my client.

And I'm not going
to accept this

pile of debris

in payment of his
judgment against you.

Now, either you come up
with the cash

or I'm going to take you
back into court

and take whatever
steps are necessary

to satisfy his judgment
against you.

That sure is a good picture
of you, Mr. Douglas.

Yes. Yeah, well. It's--

you goin'
to haney's auction?

No, I don't think so.

You think
he'll raise $250

for all that stuff
he's got at the house?

I don't think he'd get $250
if he threw in the house.

Well, that's his problem.

Either he raises
the money or I take him
right back into court

and I'll keep hounding him
until he pays up.

Mr. Douglas,

we want you to know
how much we appreciate
what you've done.

Standing up
to haney for Fred.

As I said in court,
this is not
an isolated incident.

That ain't what
you said in court.

You said,
"an interstate incompetent."

What he said was
an insulated isodent.

Well, what I meant--

when I get angry--

well, whatever you said
we want you to know

that the poople
of heeterville valley
are grateful.

Yeah, well, uh...

Uh, I want you to know now
that I am tired
of haney's methods

from now on he'll know
he can't woodhink...

I mean, he can't hinkwood.

He can't woodwink.

Well, he'd better not try it.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
I've been waitin' for you.

I come over as soon as
I finished the auction.

Need more time
to raise the money, huh?

Oh, no, I managed to
scrape up enough to pay you.

Let's see now,
how much do I owe you?

Oh, yeah, $150.

$250.

Oh, that sounds right.

You take $100 bills?

$100--

and there's a 50.

Where did you get the money?

From my auction.

I took in nearly $800.

8--

I got $300

for one item alone.

A historic old
grandfather's clock.

That was once owned by
Lester Henderson.

Who, as you know,
was one of Abe Lincoln's
closest neighbors.

Oh, boy!

I'd like to see the idiot
that paid you

$300 for a phony clock.

[Clock chiming]

Be sure to give my regards
to Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa!

Hey, haney, come back here!

Lis--

haney, come back here.

Oliver,
look what I bought.

Lisa.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's an antique. It belonged
to Larry Anderson.

Uh, Lester Henderson.

Well, anyway, he was
George Washington's neighbor.

Uh, Lincoln!

Well, wherever he lived.
It was a bargain for $300.

Lisa, how could you let
haney woodhick you--

or hickwood you--

it's going back!

Oliver!

Oh!

[Screams]

Darling.

Get it off me!

Oh, my arm!

Oh, what's the matter
with your arm?

Get eb and tell him
to get this thing back
to haney.

But, darling--

get it out of here!

Oliver!

Did you take the clock back?
Yes.

How is your arm?

[Screams]

Hurts.

Good.

What?

I got you something
to make it well.

Did you get your money back?

Uh, not exactly.

What does that mean?

It means that I didn't
get it back exactly.

I traded the clock
for something to make
your arm well.

I don't need--

eb!

What the--

it's filled with hot water.

All you got to do
is stick you arm
in the medicinal tub

and I'll turn on the agitator.

Eb, don't you dare
turn on-- no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.

Turn it off!

[Screaming]

Turn that silly thing off,
that's not a toy!

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.