Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 25 - The Saucer Season - full transcript

♪ Green acres is
the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is
the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just gimme that countryside ♪

♪ New York is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Oliver.

Oh, hi.

Oh, what've you got
in the basket?

I brought you lunch.

Now, that's nice of you.

Such a beautiful day.

I thought it would be nice
to have a picnic by the stream

and dangle our feets
in the water.

Yes, it is a nice idea,
but we don't have a stream.

Well, that's all right.



I didn't bring a towel,
anyway.

Well, uh, why don't we
eat over
under this tree here?

Oh, that would be nice.

What are you
doing here?

Standin' in
for stuffy.

Who?

The scarecrow. He went up
to pixley for lunch.

Would you like
to join our picnic?

No, stuffy's bringing me
back a hamburger.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, come on, let's eat
some lunch.

Uh, this all right?

Fine.
Ah.

Oh, I'm starved.

Here we are.

Ooh, a lace tablecloth,
huh?

Nothing is too good
for you.

Uh-huh.
Gold plates.

You deserve the best.

Oh, isn't that
our best silver?

Flowers! Why now, whoever
heard of flowers--

do you have a match?

A match.
Yeah, here.

Uh, is this
a special occa--

this isn't
our anniversary, is it?

No, it's just
a simple picnic.

And this here
is the music.

Oh, good, good.

Now, what've we got
to eat?

Nothing.

What?

Well, there was no room
in the basket.

What did you bring
all this junk for?

Why didn't you
bring some food?

Well, I had a choice
to make and I made it.

Well, you made
the wrong choice!

How do you know?
You haven't eaten yet.

How am I...

Mind if I have lunch
with you kids?

What have you
got there?

The hamburger
stuffy brought back.

How could he bring
back a hamburger--

you forgot
the ketchup.

Boy, sometimes I think
he's got sawdust
in his head.

Well, if you don't want it--
no, no, no, no.

As long as
he brought it,

I don't want to
hurt his feelings.

I'll go eat with him.

The next time
you have a picnic,

bring some food.

Well, if you're hungry,
I'll turn on the radio.

What good
will that do?

Maybe you'll hear
something good to eat.

I don't want
to hear food, i--

(man)
hello, kiddies.

This is your uncle
make-believe.

Today, we're going
to make-believe

we're on an elegant picnic.

Imagine you're sitting
under a tree

with a lace tablecloth
spread on the ground.

Gold plates, real silverware,
flowers, and candles,

and right in the middle
of the tablecloth

is a huge bowl
of crunchy potato chips.

I don't see
any potato chips.

And now, kiddies, let's all
crunch our potato chips,

to the tune of
the blue danube.

♪[Music playing]

[Crunching]

[Crunching]

Just a moment.

Some of my little
nieces and nephews

are not crunching.

I haven't got anything
to crunch with,
you stupid uncle.

That was one
of my favorite waltzes.

♪[Humming]

[Crunching]

♪[Humming]

[Crunching]

Who's crunching?

Oh, Mr. Kimball.

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.

Have you got
any more of those?

No, this is the last one.

[Crunching]

I would've offered you one,
but I see you've
already eaten.

And quite stylishly,
I might add.

We haven't eaten.

Oh, well,
don't let me stop you.

You think
that was one?

One what?

Well, you see
Mr. Douglas...

There goes one.

No, that was just
a spot on my glasses.

You're not
wearing glasses.

Hey, that's right.

Maybe that was one.

Was that one?

No, I don't think so.

Well, it looked like...

What are we looking for?

Flying saucers.

You're nuts.

Oh, you sound a little
skeptical, Mr. Douglas.

Or not a little skeptical,
you're pretty nasty.

Well, I'm sorry,
but flying saucers--

don't you believe
in them?

Don't tell me you do.

Why?

We're living in
a different age
than we used to.

That's right.

It may be right,
but what does it mean?

There are a lot of things
that happened 10 years ago,

which you still
can't explain today.

And you're the best example
of that, that I know.

That wasn't very--

there's been 3 saucer
sightings in these parts
in the last month.

Well, actually
there were only 2.

One was a flying
shoebox sighting.

Shoebox?

Well, it was shaped like
a shoebox, only bigger.

It was oblong,
had a lot of windows,

and there were
about 50 people inside.

Turned out to be
a low-flying bus.

Then there was this
unexplained incident
that happened--

bye.

Oh, sorry you have to go.

Not me, you.

Oh, yes, I guess I do.

Well, if you see any more
flying saucers,

I'd contact
the sheriff's office.

I will.

Of all the--

you don't believe in them?

No, I don't.

Well, then would you
please tell me
what eb saw?

I-- how do I know
what eb saw?

Well, then let him tell you.
Eb! Eb!

Yes, ma'am.

Would you please tell
Mr. Douglas what you saw
last week?

I saw him in pixley talking
to this redheaded bee girl.

Not what I meant.

But let's hear
about that, anyway.

Oh, she wasn't
a real bee girl.

She raises bees.
Mrs. Fenton.

I thought it'd be nice
to have some bees

in case we wanted
some honey.

I bet you did.

What's this got to do
with flying saucers?

Oh, did you see one, too?

No.

I did.

That figures.

It was about 11:00 at night,

and I was gettin'
ready for bed

when this saucer
buzzed the barn.

Really?
And what did you do?

I pulled down my shade.
I'm shy.

All right. Lunch is over.
Go back to your weeding.

You pack up your
mobile Waldorf.

And you go get me
a hamburger.

(Eb)
So long.

Don't forget when you
get to hooterville

to make a right turn.

Drive carefully.

Who's that?
Who's what?

(Eb)
And drop in any time.

I'll be glad to see you.

Bye.

That's eb.

Who could he be talking to
at 3:00 in the morning?

(Eb)
Bye. So long.

Eb.

Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

Would you mind telling me
who you're talking to?

Oh, just the people
in the flying saucer.

Did you see it?

Sure. Oh, yeah.
It was round and silver

and had 2 little
green men in it?

That's the one.

You're walking in your sleep.
Now go to bed.

But mr--
good night.

Dingle burvis.

What?

That's what they said
when they took off.

I think
it means good night.

Well, dingle burvis to you,
and don't wake us up again.

What's the matter with eb?

Oh, he was seeing a couple
of friends of his

off to Mars
or some such place.

I hope they have
a good trip.

Yeah. Good night.
Good night.

(Eb)
Are you sure
you left it here?

Maybe it's under
the front seat.

Don't worry about it.

I'll look for it
in the morning

and if I find it,
I'll keep it for you.

Bye.

Eb, I thought
I told you--

oh, they came back.

One of the saucer people
lost his plertuss.

He was pretty upset.

Well, I can
understand that.

I'd be pretty upset myself,
if I lost my plertuss.

Now, will you go to bed
and stop this nonsense?

All right.

See you in the cleegan.

Don't count on it.

Eb, you must've
been dreaming.

No, sir. It was
a real flying saucer.

What did it look like?

Well, um...

Like this.

Except it didn't
have syrup on it.

It circled the barn,

then it dropped straight down.

[Saucer shattering]

How did that happen?

Eb dropped a flying saucer
on your plate.

The saucer was
a lot lighter
than the hotcake.

It didn't break anything
when it came down.

Now, here's a real u.F.O.
Unidentified food object.

Just for that,
no more hotcakes.

You do love me.

The 2 fellers
in the spaceship

were shaped
something like this.

Eb, will you--
you mean there were
2 fellows in it?

Yes, ma'am.

Although I think
one of them was a girl,

because the other feller
kept kissin' her.

Kissing her?

He held the hatch
open for her, too.

He was a perfect gentleman.

Except I think
he was a girl.

Yeah. He had
the hair ribbon.

What did she look like?

Well, she had
a cute little green face,

and she was wearin'
a purple dress.

And they came
from outer space.

They must have been
because no woman on earth

would wear a purple dress
with a green face.

Look, I've had enough
flying saucer nonsense.

They didn't call it a saucer,
they called it a glipper.

A glipper?

Driggis.

I guess that means yes.

'Cause every time the feller
in the purple dress

said somethin' to the girl,

she'd nod her head
and say "driggis."

Except once when she slapped
his face and said "gloint."

What do you think
he said to her?

Well, I think he--

eb.

You better stop
eating these things.

I think they're
affecting your brain.

I don't know about my brain,

but they sure aren't doin'
my stomach any good.

Eb, are you through insulting
Mrs. Douglas' cooking?

Yes, sir.

Then would you mind
getting to work?

I've got to go
into drucker's.

I'd better go with you.

Mr. Drucker will probably
want to get out an extra
on my sighting.

Uh, eb, uh...

May I give you a piece
of friendly advice?

You know, it's all right
to tell the two of us

about your
wild hallucinations.

But if this gets into print,

it's gonna confirm
what a lot of people
have always thought.

You're a dingbat.

Newt, the reason you didn't
get a paper this week,

is 'cause
I didn't print one.

Ok. I'll give you
a 3-cent refund
on your subscription.

Mr. Drucker, why didn't you
print a paper this week?

Well, there just wasn't
any news worth printin'.

There must have been
something going on
in the world.

In the world, yeah.
In hooterville, no.

Who wants to read about

Selma plout pourin'
for the women's club?

I've been runnin' her pourin'
for the last 40 years.

Well, I suppose
that the--

the only time
it was news

is the time
she spilled hot tea
in the governor's lap.

That was the year we lost
our road appropriation.

What about
the flying saucers?

Well, with all due respect,
Mrs. Douglas,

I ain't clutterin' up
the world guardian

with a lot of crackpot reports
of sightings.

Now, if somebody
really saw one...

Eb did.

Lisa.

He saw a flyin' saucer?

No, it was a glipper.

What's a glipper?

That's what
the 2 green men--

Lisa, don't you want
to order something?

Yes, I need to--

wh-wh-what 2 green men?

The ones that eb said
he saw in the glipper.

The saucer.

He actually saw them?

Driggis.
Which means yes.

It doesn't mean anything.

It's just some
doubletalk word
that eb made up.

I suppose he made up
"plertuss," too.

What's a plertuss?

That's what they
came back for.

You mean they
were there twice?

Yes, they always come back
in the middle of burvis,

which means night.

I figured that out
by myself.

Because when they left,
they said "dingle burvis,"

which means "good night."

Now, if you take
the "dingle" off,

that leaves you
with the "burvis."

It's not an easy language
to understand.

Neither is the one
you're talking.

Sounds like
the real thing.

I better go have
a talk with eb.

W-W-Wait a minute.
What about our order?

You just help yourself
to anything you need.

Oh!

Now you done it.

The story is gonna
get all over town.

(Oliver)
"Local boy sees flying saucer.

"Talks with green couple
from outer space.

"According to eb,
the spaceship, or glipper,

"as the fellow with
the open-toed shoes called it,

"came from
an unknown planet.

"'The 2 creatures appeared
to be very friendly,

"'especially to each other.

"I hope they come back',
eb told this reporter.

'They were
both very frangen.'"

nice.

Eb, why did you
give all this drivel--

my picture's
on the inside!

(Oliver)
That's you?

It's the only
black and white picture
I had.

All the rest
are in color.

Can I come in?

You're in.

Is, uh, eb around?

Right here.

Is that you?

This picture
don't do you justice.

You sure do
need an agent.

Sign here.

Just a second.

What does he need
an agent for?

Every celebrity
needs one.

Eb is not a celebrity.

Let my agent talk.

Eb, baby, I'm gonna
make you famous.

Eb, baby?

You saw his picture
in the paper.

Now, tonight you're appearing
on the Luke Carter t.V. Show,

direct from pixley.

Isn't that the fellow
who interviews
all those crackpots?

Correct. And tonight eb is
gonna be the star crackpot.

Golly!

Oh, boy.

Now, for this
exclusive appearance,

they're payin' us $22.40.

Eb is not appearing
on any television program.

Then would you mind
washing your hands?

Yes, sir.

Why do you want him
to wash his hands?

I've got a whole busload
of folks outside,

that want to shake hands
with the boy who saw
the flyin' saucer,

at 25 cents a shake.

Come in, folks.

Wait--wait a minute here.

What are you doing?

[All clamoring]

Get out. Out. Out.

What's going on here?

Mr. Haney, i--

well, I hope you realize
what you've done.

You have nipped
free enterprise in its bud.

What?

You drove away
all of my customers.

Now I'm stuck
with 400 purple dresses.

Purple dresses?

2 gross of souvenir
flying saucers,

a dozen green
make-up kits,

and 40 plertusses.

Plertusses.

What did you do that for?
You cost me a lot of money.

Do you realize what my share
of those purple dresses
would have been?

I am not running
a souvenir stand
or a sideshow.

This is a farm,
and if you want
to continue working on it,

I suggest you get out there
and weed those tomatoes.

That's no way to talk
to a celebrity.

Out!

Holy smoke.

[People chattering]

(Man)
This must be
where it landed, Hannah.

Hey, look at the mess
it made out of this.

What is this, Mac?

This is corn
and nothing landed on it.

This is the way it grows.

What are you doing here?

Uh, are you the fellow
who saw the saucer?

No. And you're trespassing.

Now please get off
of my property.

Well, somebody saw it.

Now, watch it,
you're trampling the corn.

Flying saucers. I'd like
to meet one of those--

whoa!

Who are you?

[Speaking gibberish]

No, no.
I was only kidding.

Uh, I didn't mean...

Oh, no! Hold it! Hold it!
Me friend.

Frangen. Frangen.

Driggis.

What's a driggis?

Oh.

What do you mean coming here
pointing a space gun at...

Who are you?

Chester holmby.

What are you
doing here, anyway?

I came to see the fellow who
said he saw a flying saucer.

Look, Chester--

my father said,
you've either got
a screw loose

or you've been
beltin' the bottle.

I didn't see
any flying saucer.

Your nose is kinda red.

That's from the sun.

If you want to, you can
go and see my hired hand.

He's the one who claims
he saw the flying saucer.

Where is he?

Oh, he's over there
in the tomato field.

Thank you.

Hey, now watch it,

watch out for the corn,
you bubblehead!

Excuse me, sir.

Watch it.

I'm sorry, did you
by any chance see
a little kind of--

yes, I saw him.

Did he land here--

no.

That's the holmby kid.

He came over to see
if I was drunk.

Are you the fellow
who claims that
he saw an object

coming out of the sky?

No, that was
my hired man, eb.

Well,
I'm lt. Bennett.

Oh, yes, air force.

You know, I used to be
a fighter pilot myself
in the war.

I remember a mission
I was flying--

sir, I am not here
to write a history
of the first world war.

The 2nd.

Oh, well,
I'm terribly sorry.

What I have been
trying to tell you

is that I'm attached to
a section of the air force

that's assigned to check out
all of these u.F.O. Sightings.

No wonder our taxes
are so high.

Wasting all that money
on foolish--

I'm afraid you'll have
to take that up with
the secretary of defense.

I would just like to talk
to the young man who claims--

all right.
I'll call him for you.
Thank you.

Eb.

[Whistling]

Now, young man, tell me your
story from the very beginning.

And don't leave out
any of the details--

lieutenant, how do you
take your coffee?

Oh, with cream and sugar,
please.

Cream and sugar.

Uh-huh.

I cooked it with the cream
and sugar in it.

Darling, you take yours
black with sugar.

Uh, Lisa...

Would you taste it, darling,
and see if it is sweet enough?

Oh, it's fine. Fine.

And you take yours
with cream and no sugar.

Yes, ma'am.

There we go.
There you are.

And I take mine black.
Thank you.

Lisa.

Why did you make
4 different pots
of coffee?

Why didn't you just put
the sugar bowl and the
cream pitcher on the table?

I broke them.

Uh, ahem, you were
saying, lieutenant...

Oh, yes, I...

Now, eb, exactly--

my husband was
in the air force, too.

Yes, he told me.

Eb, when you--

his uniform didn't fit
as good as yours.

His was baggy
in the seat.

That was my parachute.

You see, lieutenant,
in those days we--

I'm sure you did.
Now, may I please
talk to eb?

Now, eb, when was
the first time
you saw this spaceship?

It was Friday night.

I went to bed early
because I didn't have a date.

Mr. Douglas wouldn't
lend me his car.

Just tell him the story!

Well, I was sound asleep.

Suddenly, I heard
this strange humming sound.

You were dreaming.

No, sir. It woke me up.

Well, uh, what did you do
when you heard this humming?

I tried to hum along with it,
but I didn't know the tune.

Was this, uh, humming
a high-pitched tone,

[high-pitched humming]

Or low tone?

[Low-pitched humming]

No, it was just an
ordinary hum-humming.

Then what did you do?

Well, I looked
out the window,

and I saw this
strange spaceship.

Well, uh, now, can you
describe it for me?

Yes, sir.

It was about bleep, bleep.
Bleep, bleep,

bleep, bleep.

Or maybe it was
a little smaller.

Lieutenant, would you like
to have some more coffee?

Hmm?

You are black
with sugar?

No, I'm sugar
and cream.

Oh. Oh, you're
the number 2 pot.

Would you say
that again?

You're
the number 2 pot.

No, he's talking
to eb.

The spaceship was
a dark bleep, bleep,

bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep.

Or maybe it was
a little lighter.

I'm sorry, what does
this bleep, bleep mean?

Who said that?

You did.

Why would I say that?

I'm sure I don't know, but--

please.

The ship landed.

Not that time.

The time it did land,
there were people in it?

Yes, sir.

Now, would you
describe them, please?

Yes, sir.

They were about
bleep, bleep, bleep.

They had long
bleep, bleep, bleep.

Sticking out of their
bleep, bleep.

Were these big
bleep, bleep, bleep.

And that's about all
I can tell you about 'em.

You haven't told
the lieutenant anything.

All you said was
bleep, bleep, bleep.

I did?

I bet I know
what it is.

They don't want the air force
to know about them,

so they're bleeping
out my mind.

Eb, you were born
with a bleeped-out mind.

Lieutenant, you're
wasting your--

now, wait, just a minute.

You claim that these
people from Mars

are preventing you from--

I didn't say
they were from Mars.

Where are they from?

They told me they
were from bleep, bleep,
bleep, bleep,

which is a pretty long trip.

Eb, this is beyond belief.

You told us what
the spaceship looked like

and what the people
looked like.

What did he tell you?

The spaceship looked
like bleep, bleep, bleep.

And the people looked
like bleep, bleep, bleep.

That's right.

Well, I...

I think I've got all
the facts that I need.

I'd like to, uh,
thank you folks
for your time

and, uh, hospitality.

Goodbye.

Dingle burvis.

Nice fellow.

Eb, I must say you have
a very inventive mind.

You make up this
whole wild story

and then when somebody
tries to pin you down on it,

you bleep your way
out of it.

You were bleeping
pretty good yourself.

Who was?

You was.

Oh, come on.
This whole thing is a hoax.

You want to see the picture?

No, i--

what picture?

The one I took
of the 2 fellows standing
in front of their ship.

(Eb)
I was gonna show it
to the lieutenant--

there's nothing on here.

There was.

They probably
bleeped it out.

That does it.

Now come on,
let's get back to work.

For 2 days we've had
this nonsense

green men and spaceships,

and that's
the end of it.

Oh, darling,
don't be mad at eb.

Maybe he really
did see something.

(Oliver)
Sure he did.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.