Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Home Isn't Built in a Day - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Grunts]

What's the matter?

The window.

Yeah, open it.
It's warm in here.

It won't stay open.

Why not?

[Sighs]

The window's still open.

I'm not through yet.

I'll fix it tomorrow.



What about the other stuff
you were going
to fix tomorrow,

which was yesterday,
which has already been,

but you didn't?

Would you mind saying
that again, please?

Well, stuff like
that leaky roof

and the crackled limoleum.

The cracked liloneum,
uh, uh--

linoleum.
I'll fix everything.

Well, you promised
to fix it for months.

I haven't had time.

Do you have time
to help me pack?

Where're you going?

To New York, and when
you've fixed up the place
you can call.

What are you
so excited about?

The Monroe brothers are gonna
fix the kitchen

as soon as they finish
the bedroom.

What about the rest
of the house?

What's wrong
with the rest of the house?

Would you like to take
a few notes?

Well.

Follow me.

You better get some
pencils and pens.

Fix door knobs.

[Thudding]

Other side, too.

Cement
brick in fireplace.

Well, nothing wrong in here.

Watch.

[Cooing]

How do you do?

And never mind making friends.
Write that down.

Don't make friends
with pigeon.

Plaster up hole,
find pigeon new home.

Mmm-hmm, I got it.

That finishes up everything.

We are not through yet.

We'll finish the bedroom,

we'll paint the house,
shingle the roof,

fix the front porch,
wallpaper the living room--

hold it.

It would be easier
to tear the house down

and build a new one.

Write that down, too.

Lisa, do you realize
what that would cost?

I'll get my suitcase.

Honey, we've gotta get
an architect...

You--you--you can't just

just do a thing
like that Willy-nilly.

Is this Willy nilly
a good architector?

Willy-nilly is not a--

[crashing]

Howdy doody.

Look, will you be--

we're gonna start plasterin'
this morning.

That's why
we come over so early.

So early?

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

No. It's... oh.

[Laughs]

How do you like that?

Got my watch on
upside down.

Thought it was 5:45.

I thought the morning
kind of dragged.

Well, if it's 4:00,
it's time for
our coffee break.

How would you like
a permanent coffee break?

Is he tryin'
to tell us something?

I don't know.
He's very obscure at times.

I'll put it more bluntly.

You're fired.

Oh.

[Sobbing]

Ooh.

Now look what you've done.
You made Ralph cry.

No, I didn't.

Don't cry,
Ralph darling.

Mr. Douglas
didn't mean it.

I did mean it.

[Both bawling]

Will you stop it?

You've been on this bedroom
for 9 months

and you haven't done
anything on it.

We're gonna get an architect
to redo the whole house,

we won't be needing
you anymore.

You mean it's all over
between us?

Yes.

Just like that, huh?
Handshake, pat on the back,

gold watch and chain,
and we're out in the cold.

I'm not giving you--

could I have a wristwatch?

You can have nothing.

Fine thing.

After all the hard work
we've put in on this dump.

If you had done
any work on it at all,

it wouldn't be a dump.
I mean a, uh...

Come on, Ralph.

Wait till mom hears
we were fired,

she'll hit us.

She ought to hit him.

He'd hit her back.

Would you mind leaving?

So long,
Mrs. Douglas.

It was nice knowin' you.

I'm sorry.

Don't feel sorry for us.

You've got
your own troubles.

Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.

I've been very patient
with them.

Then why were they
always crying?

Oh, they only
cried a coup--

you wanna get the house fixed,
don't you?

Yes.

Well, then, let me handle it.
Once I get an architect--

you'll make him cry.

I'll try not to,
if I find one.

Wonder if Mr. Drucker knows
an architect around here.

Sam, this here item

is guaranteed
to triple your business.

Haney, I'm not stockin'
anymore of your items.

You're makin'
a mistake, Sam.

When your
customers see these,

they'll be climbin' over
the counter to get at 'em.

You'll be amazed.

Good morning, Mr. Haney,
Mr. Drucker.

Morning, Mr. Douglas,
what can I do for you?

Well. I--

Mr. Douglas.
What do you think of this?

What is it?

Notice the immediate
customer interest.

This is a genuine
chicken foot backscratcher.

Chicken foot--

it comes in different lengths,

depending on how far
down you wanna scratch.

Haney, why don't you leave
my customers alone?

What did you want,
Mr. Douglas?

Well, uh,

I wonder if you could tell me
where I could get a good--

[inaudible]

Oh, well, there
ain't any around here,

but there's
one in pixley.

Oh.
Is he any good?

Oh, he's one of
the best architects--

architect.

Mr. Drucker.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas. You don't need
to look any further.

No, but I think I will.

I'm not about to hire you
as an architect.

I didn't mean me.

I was thinking
about my cousin, frank Lloyd.

Frank Lloyd?
Right.

He architected

some of the best-known
structures in the country.

I wouldn't care if
he designed the u.N. Building.

Oh, you've seen it.

Come on, Mr.--
hey, Mr. Drucker,

what's the name
of this fellow in pixley?

Dillwell pinkley.

Dillwell pinkley.

Well, I will say that there
ain't nobody in the county

that builds a better
rabbit hutch than dillwell.

Haney, stay out of this.

What are you gonna build,
Mr. Douglas?

We're gonna redo
the whole house completely.

You mean you're gonna
make some changes

in that historical
old monument?

Inside and out.

That's like paintin'
a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

You can't do that.

Mr. Haney, you're
wasting your breath,

the house belongs to me,

I'm gonna do
what I want with it.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Goodbye.

Don't do it, Mr. Douglas.
Don't tamper with history.

And now then, girls,

today, we're all goin'
to pitch in

and bake a pounds cake.

[Clucking]

But, Alice,
it's a first time for me, too.

Eleanor, can we count on you?

[Mooing]

All right.

Now then, let me see,
where do we start?

Oh.

Take 6 eggs. Now, girls,
that's your department.

Go to work.

Then we need a cup of milk
and a pound of butter.

Eleanor, which one
do you want to do first?

[Mooing]

All right, Eleanor.

Morning, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, hello,
Mr. Kimball.

Is Mr. Douglas around?

No, he's gone out
to look for an architector.

Oh. Is he having trouble
with his back?

No, that's a chirotector.

I don't believe
that's right either.

Well, I hope he gets better.

Now, I'm sure he will.

One cup, Eleanor.

We are making a cake.

The girls are working
on the eggs,

and Eleanor is taking care
of the butter and the milk.

One cup, Eleanor.
Whenever you are ready.

Mrs. Douglas,

you don't get milk from a cow
by telling it to--

[sloshing]

One cup.

I always thought
you had to...

But I guess you don't.

Girls, how are you doin'
with the eggs?

[Hens cluck]
Oh.

1, 2, 3,

4, 5, 6. Perfect.

Now,

now we got to separate

the whites
from the jokes.

Girls, do you do
that sort of work?

Oh, no, they...

How long has Mr. Douglas'
back been hurtin'?

He didn't tell me
it was hurting him.

Eleanor,

we still need the butter.

Moo when you're ready.

Something wrong?

Oh, no. I just, uh...

Well, butter doesn't come
directly from the...

To get butter, you have to...

[Car horn honking]

Lisa!

Hello, darling.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Oh. Mr. Kimball.

Oh, Lisa, this--

I was so worried about you.
How's your back?

My back?

Yeah. The other side
of your front.

There's nothing wrong
with my back.

Uh, Lisa,
this is Mr. Pinkley.

Mr. Pinkley. My wife.

How do you do?

Hello, there.

Uh, this is Mr. Kimball.
He's our county agent.

Pinkley. Pink--
pinkley.

Say, you're
not related to--

oh, no, you couldn't be.
He moved.

Uh, Lisa,
Mr. Pinkley's an architect.

Aren't you kind of young
to be rebuilding
such an old house?

Well, uh--

it doesn't matter
how old you are.

Of course not.

Like my grandfather
used to always say,

"age is just
how old you are."

Well, do you
have any ideas?

About what?

I was talking
to Mr. Hinkley.
Uh, pinkley.

Hinkley pinkley,

do you know a Willy nilly?

Willy...

He's an archedetector,
too.

And a very good one.

You mean
there really is a--

yes. William s. Nilly.
Married Matilda Ferguson.

Nice couple.
Tilly and Willy nilly.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, is there
any particular style

you would like
your house done in?

Yes. Did you ever see

the William Randolph
hearst castle?

That's what I want.

But not on a hill.

Uh, Lisa, I explained
to Mr. Pinkley

that what we wanted
was a nice, comfortable
farmhouse.

Who asked you
to explain anything?

Why don't we just let him
walk around,

and look through the house,
make some sketches.

See what he
comes up with, huh?

Go on, help yourself.

Thank you.

Well, if I can be
of any help, Mr. Douglas.

[Cow mooing]

Oh, excuse me.
I guess Eleanor is finished.

If she comes back
with a pound of butter,
don't believe it.

How are you doing,
Mr. Pinkley?

Just finished
the last sketch.

How do you like it?

Say, that's pretty good.
What do you think?

(Lisa)
Fine. Except for the color.

What's the matter
with white?

There's
no color to it.

I can paint it brown,
or green,

yellow, gray,
any color you like.

I like fooshia.

"Fooshia"?

Uh, she means fuchsia.

Uh, that's what I said.

No, you said...

You don't paint a house
fooshia-- fuchsia.

We'll decide the color later.

Did you make any sketches
of the interior?

Right over here.

I had, uh, such a wonderful
time with the color.

(Pinkley)
This is the bedroom.

(Oliver)
Oh, that's fine.

Where is
the sooner batz?

"Sooner batz"?

Sauna bath.

That's what I said.
Where is it?

Well, I could put it here...

Forget it. We don't need it.
Uh, what about the kitchen?

Oh, the kitchen. Yes, sir.

Here we are.

(Oliver)
Oh, now, that
has a lot of charm.

Where is
the Butler's panties?

The Butler's pantry.

That's what I said.

Where is it?

Uh, Lisa, this is just
a simple farmhouse.

Could we see the living room?

Here we are.

Oh, the window is
stuck out too far.

That is a bay window.

Well, that's silly.

We can't see
the bay from here.

Next sketch.

Bathroom.

Oh, that's fine.

I wanted a shrunken tub.

Is this tub too large?

No, shrunken,
into the ground.

We'll shrunk it down
into the ground.

How much is this
whole thing going to cost?

Well, uh,

I'll have to go back
to the office

and do a little figuring.

Well, you're going
to have to do

a lot more figuring than this.

Well, that's more like it.

Good, then I can go ahead.

Right away.

I'll draw up the blueprints,
get the permit.

Oh, by the way,
do you have
a contractor?

No, we haven't.

How about
the Monroe brothers?

We don't
have a contractor.

Well, there is Eli Boone,
I've worked with him.

He has
a very efficient crew.

Get him.

When are you
goin' to start?

It'll be a few weeks yet.
I'll let you know.

Thank you very much.

I'm sure you'll like
what we're gonna do.

Oh, I know we will.
Thank you.

Bye.

Well, you happy?

Yes.

Mr. Douglas!

Eb, how many times--

Mr. Douglas,
where the architect?

He left.

Doggone it.

I wanted to show him

how I wanted my room
fixed up into a bachelor pad.

What?

Got the idea from a magazine.

You know, the one
that has a girl in the center
that unfolds.

Uh, what girl
unfolds in the center?

You would have to see
the magazine to understand.

I want a real modern job

where everything
works by pushbuttons.

Eb, all we're gonna do
is paint your room.

You ain't even gonna reframe
my picture of hoot Gibson?

No.

Just for that I ain't gonna
let you adopt me.

Look, i--

don't call me son anymore.

I never--

I want my father
to be a swinger.

Keep that up,
I'll start swinging.

Well, back to
tobacco road west.

Darling, you ought to do
something nice for eb.

I did.
I didn't fire him.

Yeah, fine,
Mr. Pinkley.

Yes, we'll expect you.

Uh, Lisa!

What's the matter?

They're starting tomorrow
at 6:00--

he's so excitable.

Lisa.

Lisa, wake up. Listen.

What's the matter?

It's nice and quiet.

Yeah, but it's not
supposed to be.

They said they'd start
at 6:00, it's almost 8:00.

(Man #1)
I'll see your dime

and I'll raise you
another dime.

Who's that?

(Man #2)
Deal the cards.

It's deal the cards.

[Exclaims]

What the--

oh, good morning,
are you Mr. Douglas?

Yes, I am.

Well, I'm Eli Boone,
your contractor.

Uh, I'll see you a dime

and I'll raise you
another dime.

Uh, Mr. Boone. I'm not
paying you to play cards.

Why aren't you working?

My men won' t cross
the picket line.

What picket line?

Good mornin'.

Howdy doody.

What do you two
think you're doing?

You can't--
hello, alf and Ralph.

Oliver, why are
you a fink?

'Cause he hired another crew
to work on our bedroom.

Oh, that's why
you're a fink.

I have a right to hire
anybody I want.

Well, sure you can. But they
won't cross our picket line.

Not until
you negotiate with us.

I am not negotiating.

You hear that uncle Eli?

Ok, everybody
on the truck.

Hey, wait a minute.

You wanna negotiate?
No.

See you, uncle Eli.

[Brakes screeching]
Uh, h-hold it.

What do you fellas want?

We want a raise.

You're not getting a raise.

So long, uncle Eli.

Come back, uncle Eli.

He won't come back
till we get our raise.

Oliver, don't be a fink.
Give them what they want.

I am not a fink.

I'll give you--

it's not enough.

We want $1.50 an hour.

Ok.

He wants $1.50 an hour.

I want $1.75.

You'll take $1.50
and that's final.

Why don't you give them $2?

$2?

We'll take it.

You'll take $1.50.

It's a deal.

You wanna
seal it with a kiss?

No, I...

Just call your uncle back.

We'll have him here,
first thing in the morning.

Well, so long.

Where are you going?

Going to town to celebrate
our new contract.

Keep walking.

Oliver. Oliver.

Do you remember the noise
we didn't hear yesterday?

What? The...

We're not hearing it
again today.

It's 7:30.

They're supposed
to start at 6:00.

Oh!

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Well, who's picketing
this morning?

Him.

Mornin'.

Mr. Haney.
What are you--

is your name
Oliver Wendell Douglas?

Well, you know it is.

Just wanna make it official

so as I can present you
with this injunction.

Injunction!

Ok, everybody on the truck.

Thanks, cousin Eli.

Cousin!

What is this injunction?

[Brakes screeching]
Hold it.

That there is an injunction
for you to cease and desist

demolishing
this historical landmark.

Oh, what are
you talking...

Mr. Boone!

Mr. Haney.
What is this nonsense
about a historical landmark?

Mr. Douglas, this happens
to be the humble birthplace

of a great man.

And I can't allow you
to unhumble it.

What great man?

Rutherford b. Skrug.
Our first governor

and the man after who
this great state was named.

Skrug?

This isn't
the state of skrug.

Well, it's not anymore.

They changed it
after governor skrug
was elected president.

Of the United States?

Well, it wasn't called that
in them days.

Come on. I don't believe
a word of it.

Well, then, I'll
just have to show you.

There you are.

(Oliver)
"Birthplace
of rutherford b. Skrug

founder
of this great state"?

Kind of gives you
goosebumps, don't it?

Mr. Haney.

I had it covered

when I owned this historical
old monument.

Elsewise, the tourists
would've been
swarming all over the place.

Oh.

Oliver. Oliver.
Where are the workmen?

They left. Mr. Haney
has got an injunction.

Well, if it's contagious,
you shouldn't be standing
close to him, either.

That's a legal document
to keep you from tearing down

this historical landmark.

You--you mean
we can't do nothing to it?

Well, I didn't say that.

I'm sure that my uncle,
"landmark" haney,

he's the judge
who issued that,

he'll be glad to forget it

if'n you was to hire
a historical monument
architect

to redo it.

Like my cousin frank Lloyd.

That's blackmail.

As practiced
by rutherford skrug,

the founder
of our great state...

You can forget it.

Rather than hire your cousin,
I'll leave the place as it is.

You want me to help you pack,
Mrs. Douglas?

I'm not going anywhere.

Lisa.

You are my husband
and I'm your wife.

And if somebody tries to do
something against my husband,

they'll also try to do
something against your wife.

Which is me.

Now, Mr. Haney,
you can tell this
to all your relatives.

And if you forget,
then remember this,

that I am staying,
and you're going. Goodbye.

Mr. Douglas,
you're to be envied.

Not only do you have
a wife like that,

but you're
privileged to live

in rutherford skrug's
unretouched birthplace.

Oliver,

why is it that
every time I say

I'll go back to New York
unless you fix up this place,

I never go
and you never fix it?

Well, it's--it's a privilege
to live in a place like this.

This is part of America.

One of the worst parts.

Look at it this way.

I like it better where I leave
with the suitcases.

We're living
in a historical monument.

I don't want to live
in a hysterical manumont.

Lisa.

Would you mind getting me
some coffee pots?

Lisa, rebuilding
this place would be

like fixing the crack
in the Liberty bell.

It would be
like making a motel
out of mount Vernon.

There are places that
should be left-- what's
the matter with this cupboard?

What are you trying to do?

Open it!

Why didn't you say so?
It's simple.

[Cooing]

Lisa.

If the pigeon can be happy
living here,
why can't you?

I'm sorry, darling.

I guess I have to learn
to take the bitter
with the better.

You're a good kid.

[Cooing]

Only not in front
of the pigeon.

Excuse us.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.