Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 10 - You Ought to Be in Pictures - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

♪[Whistling]

Lisa.

Uh, yes, darling?

Did you take my speech
out of my pocket?

What speech?

The one I'm supposed
to deliver tonight

to the hooterville
chamber of commerce.

It's 3 or 4 pages,
typewritten.

Oh, that one is
in your other suit.

The one I sent
to the cleaners.



With the
speech in it?

I didn't know what it was.
And you always send notes
to the cleaner, saying:

"No starch, please."

Well, why--

you don't put
starch in suits.

Those malletheads might.

Malletheads?

Well, that's
what you called them

when they put starch
in your underwear.

Are you still
sending our stuff
to those malletheads?

What do you have to make
the speech about?

It's an acceptance speech
thanking them
for inviting me

to join the hooterville
chamber of commerce.

Oh, I love to hear it.
Could I come too?

No wives.

Oh. It's that kind
of a chambers.

No, it's just a meeting
of the hooterville
businessmen.

Well, have a good time,
and make a good speech.

Meetin' of the hooterville
chamber of commerce
will come to order.

Tonight we welcome
a new member
to our organization:

Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

[All clapping]

Thank you, thank you.

I, uh, I had
a speech written,

telling you how much
I appreciate this honor,

but my wife sent it
to the cleaners
in my grey suit, and, uh...

I read it,
it wasn't very much.

Who are you?

I'm your mallethead cleaner.

Oh, well--

none of our other customers
mind starch
in their underwear.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
we ain't here to discuss
starch in underwear.

We're hereto discuss
ways and means

of bringin' outside money
into hooterville.

So I now turn
this meetin' over

to the chairman of our
"bringin' outside money in"
committee,

Mr. Haney.

Thank you, thank you.
Oh, before I get
to my report,

I would like to present
to our new member,
Mr. Douglas,

this genuine
silver-plated
chamber belt buckle.

Oh.

Say, thank you
very much.

That'll be $5.

$5?

Now, of course,
you'll also want
the matchin' $2 tie clasp

with
the chamber seal on it.

No, I don't.

Well, how about the,
uh, chamber nail file

with a 3-color picture
of hooterville
on the handle?

Haney, you can sell him
the official paraphernalia
later.

Get on
with your report.

Well, as you remember,
at the last meetin'

several suggestions
was made

for, uh, bringin' new
enterprise into hooterville.

Now, I regret to report,
on the first one
I struck out completely.

Which one was that?

The hooterville world's fair.

Doggone it. I thought sure
the world would go for that.

So did I.

I wrote to 8
different countries

and never got an answer
from one of 'em.

Did you fellows
seriously think

you could get
a world's fair to come
here to hooterville?

Mr. Douglas, you got
a belt buckle?

No.
Well then, would
you sit down?

Sorry,
no speeches without
a belt buckle.

Now, havin' had no success
with the first suggestion

of the hooterville
world's fair,

I proceeded to act

on the 2nd suggestion
of the chamber.

Well, did you have any luck?

No, we ain't gettin'
the Olympics either.

The Olympics?

Look, the--the--
the world's fair was
ridiculous enough,

but the Olympics?

If you're serious
about raising money--

uh, Mr. Douglas,
if you want the floor,

just wave
your official tie clasp

I don't have
an official tie clasp.

Then sit down.

Well,

guess we'll have
to think up some new
money-makin' ideas.

[Clears throat]

You wavin'
your tie clasp, newt?

Yeah,
my brother-in-law,

the--the one that
lives in Kansas,

he--he wrote and said
that they made a Hollywood
movin' picture in his town,

and they used
everybody in town
in the picture.

And they sure made
an awful lot of money.

Why don't we do that?

Somebody care to put that
in the form of a motion?

Well, now,
i--i motion that, uh--

we have a Hollywood
movin' picture made
right here in hooterville.

I 2nd the motion.

All in favor?

(All)
Aye.

(Sam)
It's unanimous.

Oh, now wait a minute.
No, it's not unanim--
I didn't vote for it.

You got an official
3-color nail file?

No!

Well then,
your vote don't count.

Milk in a Martini glass?

A-All the other glasses
are in the dishwasher.

Oh.

You want an onion
or an olive in it?

Just straight.

I can't understand
these people.

They want to bring money
into town, that's fine.

But these
wild schemes.

You know what they voted
to do tonight?

To have a Hollywood
motion picture company
come here to do a movie.

That would be very nice.

Who will be in it?

There's not gonna be
any picture.

Just because haney wrote
a letter to Hollywood
"to whom it may concern."

Oh, is Mr. Concern
in Hollywood now?

What?

Isn't he the fellow
you always write to

at the department
of agricultures in Washington?

The one who
never answers you?

No, that's a different
Mr. Concern.

Well, haney's got
about as much chance
of hearing from Hollywood

as I have of hearing
from Washington.

Well, maybe if you wouldn't
write those nasty letters

calling them malletheads...

That's what I call
the cleaner.

Oh, that's right,
Washington is lumpheads.

I've got to do something
to get some action.

Nothing on this farm
grows right.

Maybe you're the lumphead.

I have read the directions
in every one
of these pamphlets.

And yet my soybeans
won't grow right,

my corn is small,
my wheat's moth-eaten--

you want a paper and pencil?

What for?

Well, whenever you start
talking like this,

it always ends up
with another lumpheads letter.

"Dear chowderheads,"

"chowderheads"?

Or meatheads, lumpheads,
beanheads.

He has a very good command
of the language.

But why bring this
to me, Melvin?

Well, Jim,
for a long time
you've been talking

about making
a department film

showing the hazards
city people encounter

when they buy a farm.

And their chance of failure
due to inexperience.

And I think
this Mr. Douglas

would be a perfect subject
for a film study.

You think he'd cooperate?

Well, that should be
easy enough to find out.
Call him.

This is Jim Stewart.

I'd like to make a
long distance call.

Charge it to the
motion picture division.

I'd like to speak
to Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas

in, uh, hooterville.

[Phone ringing]

Oh. Mr. Douglas
doesn't answer?

Is there any other place
you might reach him?

Drucker's store?
Would you
try him there?

[Phone ringing]

Oh. Get that,
would you, Doris?

Hello, drucker's store.
Sam's playin' checkers.
Call back later.

Operator,
i--i was cut off.

May I get
that number back, please?

[Ringing]

[Grunts]

Drucker's store, Sam's
playin' checkers. Call back--

(James)
hold it!

Look, I'm calling
long distance.

Oh, well you'll have
to dial operator for that.

Who is that?

Some fellow doesn't know
how to use the phone.

I know how to use the phone.

Oh. He says he knows
how to use the phone.

Hello,
this is Sam drucker.
Who is this?

My name is Stewart.

Jim Stewart.
I'm with the motion picture--

well listen, mister--

d-did you say
th-the motion-picture
Jim Stewart?

Well, yes, but i--

it's Jimmy Stewart,
the motion picture star.
He must've got haney's letter.

Ooh, here,
let me talk to him.

Hello?

Look, Mr. Drucker,
i--

no, this is
Doris ziffel.

Mr. Stewart, I'm one
of your biggest fans.

You sure are.

How would you like
a belt in the kisser?

No, not you,
Mr. Stewart.

Give me that.

Is there anything
I can do for you, Jimmy?

Now, what could you do
for Jimmy Stewart?

Wait till I get you home.

Oh, no, not you,
Mr. Stewart.

Mrs. Ziffel, i--

no, this is
Sam drucker.

Here,
let me
talk to him.

Hello?

Mr. Drucker?
No, this is
Fred ziffel.

(Fred)
are you callin' about makin'
a picture here?

Yes, but I wanted--

he's callin' about makin'
a picture here.

Mr. Ziffel?
(Fred)
Yeah, hello?

I'm trying to get in touch
with Mr. Douglas.

Uh, you want to get in touch
with Mr. Who?

Jim, what the--
later, Melvin.

Douglas.

He's trying
to get in touch
with Melvin Douglas.

Well, he ain't here.

Melvin ain't here.

No. Melvin's here.

Oh. He found Melvin.

Mr. Ziffel.

No, this is
Sam drucker.

Uh--uh--uh, when you
gonna make the picture?

If you don't mind,
I'd like to talk
to Mr. Douglas

go right ahead.

He's talkin' it over
with Melvin.

Hello, hello?
Mr. Drucker?

No, this is
Doris ziffel.

What did you
and Melvin decide?

When you
gonna be here?

In a couple of days.
Would you tell Mr. Douglas?

Oh. I thought Melvin
was with you.

He is!

Well then, why don't
you tell him? Bye.

Good luck.

Guess what?

I'm gonna be
a movie star.

And I'm gonna be
in the movies too.

What do you mean,
you're gonna be
in the--

[squeals]

Watch it!

And so is Arnold.

And you said
haney wouldn't get
an answer to his letter.

Wait for me, Doris.
Haney's letter?

Is that the one to
Mr. Concern in Hollywood?

Well, it couldn't be.
The-the-the--

uh, Mr. Drucker--

(Sam)
Be right with you.

What happened
to you?

You like it?

You look very
distinguished.

Thank you.

Just dug it out
of an old trunk.

Ain't worn it
since I was in high school.

High school?

Yeah. Us druckers
skinned out young.

I think I'll wear it
in the picture.

You know,
they might give me
a romantic part.

What picture?

Didn't Fred
tell you?

They-they're gonna make
a movin' picture right here.

Oh, come on.

Well, guess who I was just
talkin' to, long distance on
the phone, not 5 minutes ago.

Jimmy Stewart.

What?

Oh, I like him.

Does he look
as handsome on the phone
as he does in the movies?

Well, he--
i-i-i was, uh...

You talked
to Jimmy Stewart?

Yeah. And they're
going to make a movie
right here in hooterville.

And everybody in town's
gonna be in it.

You, too,
Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, i--i have to send
to New York
for a whole new wardrobe.

I need new dresses,
and new sh--
ah--ah--ah.

Look, Mr. Drucker,
I don't understand.

What's going on
around here?

Well, you can read
all about it
in the world guardian.

I'm gonna get out an extra.

Well, see you on the set.

Oh.

I gotta remember to send this
over to the barbershop
for a trim.

(Hank)
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mr.--

Mr. Kimball?

I wanna talk to you.

What is that?

What is what?

The chin spinach.

Oh.

It's Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln.

Yes, Mr. Haney says
they may need one
for the picture.

What's Mr. Haney
got to do with it?

I'm taking
acting lessons
from him.

I was rehearsing

when I got a call
from the chief
to come over here.

Did you write a letter
to the mother organization
in Washington

whining about
your puny corn?

Well, now, look here, i--

the chief told me
to come over here and see
what could be done about it.

All right,
you got any ideas?

Yeah.

Why don't you shoot it
and put it out
of its misery?

Are you trying
to be sarcastic?

Well, yes, I am.

Frankly, Mr. Douglas,
I'm a little miffed at you.

By writing to Washington
you made it appear that
I don't know NY business.

Oh, I didn't mean to
get you any trouble.

You know what
the chief did?

Took away
my soil testing kit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, and it had
my makeup in it.

Well, all I'm trying
to find out

is what's wrong
with my crops.

Well, for one thing,
they're not growing.

They would have
if you'd followed
the instructions

in the department bulletins
you're always
sending away for.

I followed
the instructions.

And do you know
what I think?

I think your department
is full of baloney.

[Birds chirping]

I'm going to faint.

It's just possible
that they don't know
what they're talking about.

Mr. Douglas, be careful
what you're saying.

Some of your weeds
may be bugged.

Oh, come on.

Yeah. Some of your bugs
might be bugged, too.

Mr. Douglas was
only joking, chief.

Just joking.

Well, I guess you won't
have to worry
about this one anymore.

Look, I don't care
who hears me,

I just want to
find out some answers.

To what?

To what I was
talking about.

I don't remember
all of it.

But I'm sure the chief
made a tape recording.

Are you going to help me?

Tomorrow.
I've got to get back
to my acting lessons.

Does everything have to stop
because of this stupid movie?

This is a big opportunity
for the town.

A lot of us expect
to become big stars.

Stars.

Say, why don't you
come over

to Mr. Haney's school
of cinema acting
and take a few lessons?

There may be
a part in the picture
for a sorehead farmer.

I am not
a sorehead farmer!

Mr. Haney doesn't believe
in the shouting technique.

He claims that
underplaying a scene
is best.

I don't care
what Mr. Haney claims.

You were stupid
to take lessons from him
in the first place.

Well, I'll tell Mrs. Douglas
when I get back
to the school.

What?

Yeah, she was the 2nd one
to enroll.

No, the 3rd. Eb was 2nd.

Do you mean that haney
hooked them

into spending good money
for acting lessons?

You're overplaying it again.

Kimball,
over and out.

Over and out?

(Man on speaker)
Roger.

[Whistle blowing]

(Haney)
Quiet on the set!
Quiet on the set!

Now, folks,
I want you to remember

that genuine
movie-type expression:

"Quiet on the set."

If you want, you can
write it down
in your Hollywood notebooks.

I ain't got one.

You can purchase them
at the cinema school store

immediately following
the first lesson.

Along with other
needy Hollywood items,

like, uh, rod larocque
sunglasses,

Kay Francis lipstick,

and lew Cody mustache wax.

Now, this...

This is the heart
of Hollywood.

The motion-picture camera.

I refer you
to this tomato can.

Which is playin'
the part of a lens.

Everything is make-believe
in Hollywood.

Now,
the first thing

for the amateur actor
to remember is:

Never look
into the tomato can.

What's that?

It looks like
a sardines can
on a broomstick.

That is
the micrey-phone.

Could I have
a volunteer?

[Grunts]

Sorry, Arnold, you ain't
tall enough to talk
into the sardine can.

How about you,
Mrs. Douglas?

[All clapping]

Fine. Now, we're
gonna give you
your first screen test.

Now just tell us
somethin' about yourself,
and act natural.

[Laughs]

Well, uh, well,
my name is Lisa Douglas,
and i--

[blowing whistle]

Cut.

That means stop
whatever you're doing.

Now, you don't
start acting

until somebody yells,
"roll 'em."

That means that the film
is rolling around
in the camera.

We'll try again.

[Blowing whistle]

Quiet on the set.

You've already
had that lesson.

Roll 'em.

Well, my name is
Lisa Douglas
and I was born--

cut.

But I wasn't looking
into the tomato can.

Yes, but you wasn't talkin'
into the sardine can.

Well, if I talk into
the sardine can,

can the tomato can
see me?

Yes. Mrs. Douglas, take it
from an old trouper:

Just talk into
the sardine can

and the tomato can
will always find you.

Let's try it again.

Roll 'em.

Lisa, will you get out
of a place like this--

Mr. Douglas,

don't you know better
than to come bustin'
into a sound stage

when the red
porch light is on?

Mr. Haney, I don't--

darling, don't look
into the tomato can.

I'd like to know--
whatever you
have to say,

say it in
the sardines can.

What I have to say
I don't have to say
in any can.

Ever since somebody mentioned
the word "movies" around here
you've all gone crazy.

Acting like a bunch
of nitwits.

Neglecting your land...

You don't know anything
about acting.

What you know
is farming.

The richest,
most rewarding heritage
a man can have.

Your fortune doesn't lie
in a piece of celluloid,
it lies in the land.

In what you can grow,
and cultivate, and harvest.

Now, please,
take my advice:

Forget this nonsense and
go back to your farms.

[Whistle blows]

Cut. Let's print that.

Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.

That's the first thing
Mr. Haney printed today.

Lisa, how can--

how can you fall
for a maniac like--

underplay it,
Mr. Douglas,

if you wanna
get into movies.

How can any of you
possibly believe

that Jimmy Stewart
is gonna come here--

listen, everybody.
Listen.

Charley just called
from pixley.

Jimmy Stewart is on board
the cannonball.

He'll be pullin'
into hooterville at 2:00.

Anybody see him?

Nope.

Hey, mister, you mind
stepping aside?

We wanna see
Jimmy Stewart.

Uh, I'm Jim Stewart.

Well, what happened
to you?

I beg your pardon?

You don't look
like Jimmy Stewart.

You don't sound
like him, either.

Well, i--

you lost a lot of weight
and you got shorter.

You better start
takin' care of yourself,

or they'll be givin' you
those short skinny parts.

Oh. No, no,
I'm not Jimmy Stewart,
the actor.

Then who are you?

I'm Jim Stewart.
James d. Stewart.

Look, is--is--is
Mr. Douglas here?

Well, we thought
Melvin was with you.

Not Melvin,
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Oh, he lives 4 miles
out of town.

What do you
want with him?

Well, I'm here to make
a documentary film

about his farm
for the department
of agriculture.

You ain't gonna make
a Hollywood movie?

No.

Doggone!

Why did you pick
Mr. Douglas' farm?

Uh, this film
is gonna be about

the pitfalls
of farming.

Then you picked the right
place, Mr. Stewart.

There ain't
a better pitfall
in the whole county

you want to film this farm
as an example?

He said
"horrible example."

I heard what he said.

Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.

You're going
to be famous.

Look, if this farm
is a horrible example,

it's the fault
of the department
of agriculture.

I followed the instructions
to the letter.

I followed them
carefully. All--

Mr. Douglas,
let's get that point
straightened out.

Yes, let's get
that point
straightened out.

Is this corn
your worst crop?

Yes, if you don't
look at the soybeans
and the wheat.

Lisa.

You'd better don't hit me
in front of the government.

I wasn't going
to hit you.

Look, Mr. Stewart,

I planted this corn according
to the bulletins exactly.

I planted the seed
the bulletin recommended.

I irrigated
according to the bulletin.

Mr. Douglas,
what was growing here
before you planted corn?

I don't know. What difference
does that make?

It makes a great deal
of difference.

Didn't you read the part
about the importance
of crop rotation?

He didn't read
that book.

How about your soybeans?

Soybeans.

Now, yeah, I planted them
exactly as the bulletin
directed.

I limed the soil--

Mr. Douglas,
how soon after the liming
did you plant?

The very next day.

Mr. Douglas, if I remember,
the bulletin clearly states

if lime is needed,
it should be worked
into the soil

at least 4 months
before you plant.

Oh?

Well, I probably
missed that part.

I think you've been blaming us
for your own negligence.

You obviously don't read
our bulletins carefully.

Look, I may have
missed a--

you probably
didn't mail 'em.

And you're blaming
this chowderheads?

Look, Mr. Stewart.

It's quite possible I was
very eager to get things
into the ground.

I may have rushed
a little bit.

That's why we'd like
to make the film,

to help other people avoid
your stupid mistakes.

Be my guest.

I want to get
your opinion

on some of this film I shot
at the Douglas farm.

How did it turn out?

You tell me.

[Whirring]

(Melvin)
What's that?

(Jim)
That's the Douglas farmhouse.

Disaster area?

No, it looks like that.

Who's that?

Now, that's
Mrs. Douglas.

A simple
farm wife.

That's Mr. Douglas.

What's he made up for?

Plowing.

You're putting me on.

Wait. There's more.

These are some
of the townspeople.

(Haney)
Cut.

I can't see
their faces.

Well, they've been told
not to look
into the tomato can.

What?

Well, you see, the--

you wouldn't believe it
even if I explained it.

What the--

county agent.

From what country?

I think I've seen enough.

Well?

What do you think
I ought to do with it?

A very good suggestion.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.