Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 12 - A Square Is Not Round - full transcript
Oliver discovers that one of his chickens is laying square eggs, but he can't find out which one it is. In addition, he finds out that he has a toaster that only works when you say the word "five". When he mentions this to the boys at Drucker's, they sympathize with him for having an old model--they have new models that only work when you say "eight".
♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ goodbye, city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Clucking]
Good morning, darling.
Good morning.
What are you hitting
the toaster for?
The toast won't go down.
5.
5?
Lisa, what--
that's the number
you've got to say
if you want to make toast: 5.
Come on, that's impossible.
Just because you
say 5--
you'll never get
your toast done that way.
5.
How many eggs do you want
for breakfast? 3?
2.
You got to watch that.
3 and 2 is 5.
I don't believe it.
How do you want your eggs,
fried or scrabbled?
Uh, scrambled.
I don't know how to do that.
Your toast
is burning. 5.
Oh!
What's that?
An egg.
A square egg?
One of the girls must have
a square egg-maker.
Lisa,
I'm having trouble enough
believing a toaster that works
when you say 5,
bu-but a square egg,
that's ridiculous.
Well, you're the one
who wanted to live on a farm.
What's that got
to do with it?
Morning.
Hey, somebody's
toast is burning.
5.
Ain't that
a square egg?
Oh, yeah.
How'd you do it,
Mr. Douglas?
No, I didn't do it.
Somebody's playing
a joke on us.
They planted the egg.
I didn't know
you could plant eggs.
No, I didn't mean that.
Uh, n-no, this is a phony.
Yeah. There's nothing
inside of it but, uh...
A yolk!
How'd you do that?
Put a round egg
in a square shell?
I didn't do it.
It's real!
Uh, oh, why,
it couldn't be.
Why not?
One of the chickens
must have made a mistake.
A mistake?
Well, they're only human.
Somebody's pulling
your leg, newt.
Yeah, newt, there ain't
no such thing
as a talking Turkey.
Well, perky Dillon's
got one.
Did you
hear him talk?
Yup.
That's impossible.
You heard the expression
"talk Turkey"?
So perky's does.
What did he say?
Who, perky or
the Turkey?
The Turkey.
Clear as anything,
he said, "good morning."
Good morning.
There, he said it again.
Oh, that was
Mr. Douglas.
Huh?
Newt thought you
were a talkin' Turkey.
A talking...
[Chuckling]
There's no such thing.
There ain't no such thing
as a square egg,
but you got one.
How did you find out ab--
oh, you can't keep
a thing like that
a secret, Mr. Douglas.
How'd you do it?
I didn't do it,
one of my hens did it.
Which one?
I didn't ask her.
Maybe we can get
perky's Turkey
to question them.
Uh, Mr. Drucker, uh, do you
carry electric toasters?
I thought you had one.
Well, I have,
but it's not working right.
The bread doesn't go down.
You try saying 3 to it?
Maybe he's got an 8.
No I've got a 5.
Never heard of a 5.
Ah, must be
a discontinued model.
Yeah, yeah, all the
newer models start with 8.
Except 29b, that works
on 7 and a half.
7 and a...
Does the bread go up and down
when you say 5 to it?
Yes, but...
I thought you said
it wasn't working right?
Well, when I first bought it,
you--you put the bread in,
it goes down, it gets toasted,
and then it comes up.
Without saying anything?
That's right.
Well, you ought to have
brought it in then.
That's when it wasn't
working right.
If you don't like 5,
Mr. Douglas,
why don't you bring it in?
Maybe I can tinker it in
to some other number.
No, 5 is, uh...
Would...
[Sighs deeply]
I'll see you later.
Hi.
Hello, darling.
Did you get
the new toaster?
No, I didn't get one.
Mr. Drucker said that there's
nothing wrong with this one.
It's just
a discontinued model.
They no longer
make a 5.
[Clanks]
You can be replaced
with a 7 and a half.
What is
a 7 and a half?
I don't know,
it's something
Mr. Drucker--
does it do anything
that you can't do
with a 5?
[Clanking]
I'm warning you.
I just can't
understand it, I...
It must be something
they put in the electricity.
Maybe they florigate it.
Fluoridate.
Uh, no, that's what
they do with water.
Then what do they do
with electrissical?
I don't know,
I can't explain it.
Maybe you can explain this.
Explain what?
Mmm!
Chocolate malted.
I know, I just got it
out of Eleanor.
What?
Not only that.
I got a pail of strawberry
from her, one of boysenberry,
and one of pistachio.
Different flavors
from each tap.
[Laughing]
Had you going, didn't I?
Very funny.
Some practical joke.
Why would Eleanor play
a practitioner's joke?
Not Eleanor, eb.
Did you put
that square egg
out there?
No, sir.
Eb, no hen lays
a square egg.
No, they lay
3 of them.
Oh, that's impossible.
Don't tell me,
tell whoever did it.
Do you have any idea
which hen laid these eggs.
It could be
anyone of 6.
[Clanks]
Oh, you got
a new toaster.
No, it's the
same old one.
It's gone berserk,
it's clicking on
all numbers.
I'm not surprised.
The way you yelled at it,
it doesn't know what it is.
Lisa, which hen do you
think laid the eggs?
I don't know.
Well, it shouldn't be
too hard to find out.
All we gotta do is look
for a square chicken.
Ok, you guys, line up.
Which one of you
laid the square egg?
[Clucking]
Well, you're not going
to find out that way.
How are you
gonna find out?
Well, uh...
How about giving 'em
a lie detector test?
Yeah.
How about putting one
of the square eggs down,
and then see
which hen sits on it.
How do you know
that the hen that laid it
is gonna sit on it?
Mother instinct.
Oh?
Well, it's worth a try.
Ah, Lisa.
Yes, darling?
Uh, bring out
a square egg, will you?
Uh, which one?
Any one.
Should I tell them
what we're gonna do?
Look, you're not--
no, I guess not.
It might put 'em
on their guard.
Here they are.
I broke them.
Up you go.
Well, what did you
want them for, anyhow?
Well, we thought
whoever laid it
might sit on 'em.
Well, they wouldn't
sit on it now,
it's too messy.
Yeah.
She'll lay another one.
Who will?
The one
who laid these.
And what if
she doesn't?
But she did!
(Oliver)
What?
The square-egg layer
has struck again.
Did you see who did it?
No, but I'll bet it's her.
[Clucking]
She has a smug look
on her beak.
If we could
separate them.
We could put them in
those old cages in the barn.
We are not going
to put my girls
in any cages.
Oh, come on, it's not
gonna hurt them.
You see anything, eb?
Nothing yet.
[Gasps]
[Whispering]
What are you doing?
[Whispering]
I'm watching the chickens.
What for?
To see which one
is laying the square egg.
Oh, boy.
Mr. Douglas,
you didn't fall off
anything today
and hit your head?
How about yesterday?
I haven't fallen off anything
and hit my head in weeks.
But you're seeing
square eggs?
That's what I said.
Seen any
square watermelons?
No.
How about
flying saucers?
No.
Just square eggs?
Yes.
When did you start
drinking again?
Mr. Kimball--
Mr. Douglas,
Emily just laid an egg.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's round.
That's a shame.
Mr. Kimball,
one of these chickens
is laying square eggs.
Mr. Douglas,
that's impossible.
Well, it's not
impossible.
Yes,
it is impossible.
Would you like to see one?
One what?
A square egg.
So you're still
on that kick?
I'll show you one.
Eb.
Keep an eye on things,
will you?
Don't worry, i--i--
you stupid...
Mr. Douglas,
how long after eb started
dropping things on your head
did you start seeing
these, uh, square eggs?
This is the first time
eb ever dropped
anything on my head.
And you haven't
started drinking?
Mr. Kimball, you come with me,
I'll show you a square egg.
[Clears throat]
Now do you believe it?
That doesn't
prove anything.
What?
That's a round egg
in a square shell.
Square shell?
Mr. Douglas, the chicken
that laid that egg
has a fortune in her hands.
Well, not in her hands.
What do you mean,
a fortune?
Well, old ned moody,
over at the chicken breeders'
association,
has been trying to breed
a chicken that would lay
square eggs for years.
And he said it'd,
uh, revolutionize
the egg business.
Well, it wouldn't do
easter any good.
Easter?
Well, you couldn't roll
a square egg on the
president's lawn.
You'd have
an easter egg schlide.
Lisa...
Uh, what
were you saying?
I was saying you'll have
an easter egg schlide.
No, not you, you.
An easter egg
schlide is
all right with me.
No, no, what were you
saying about Mr. Moody?
Oh, that crackpot?
Do you know what
he's been trying to do?
Breed a chicken
that would lay
a square egg.
And we know
there's no such thing as a...
Where'd that come from?
Oh, that's what you wanted
to see Mr. Moody about.
No, I didn't want
to see Mr. Moody.
Then why do you keep
mentioning his name?
You keep mentioning
his name!
Any idea why?
Oh, yeah. He'd be very
interested in this.
Probably offer you
a lot of money
for the chicken that laid it.
If it isn't a gag.
No, no,
it isn't a gag.
Yeah, I bet it's made out
of nutty putty.
Well, there's nothing nutty
about that putty.
It's all egg.
Well, uh, so long.
[Groans]
Sorry, i--
I'll have Mr. Moody
drop by.
He broke the egg.
Oh, there, don't worry,
you'll get another one.
Nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing.
Uh, would you mind
standing up?
[Clucking]
Come on, come on,
up on your feet, up, up.
That is no way to talk
to a nice chicken.
Henrietta, would you
please stand up?
Thank you.
Nothing.
No eggs,
not even a round one.
I'm not surprised.
How can you expect them
to lay eggs when they're
all copped up?
Cooped up.
Would you lay an egg
under those circumstances?
I wouldn't lay an egg
under any circumstances.
You only say that
because you are not a chicken.
She's got to lay eggs.
What else can she
do with them?
Well there's no use
keeping them cooped up.
Copped up.
I'm going to let them out.
Might as well.
You stupid chickens.
Come on, henrietta.
Uh, come on, girls.
Stretch your drumsticks.
Come on, darling. Emily.
There you are.
Come on. Out, out, out.
[Clucking]
I might as well
take these cages out.
Look, another one.
I knew my girls
won't let you down.
Now, which one
was in this cage?
The one that laid
the square egg.
I know, but which one?
Which one of you, uh...
Oh, you miserable--
Oliver!
This is
the most frustrating...
What are you trying to do,
keep it a secret?
You know
the old saying:
"You can lead a horse
over the water
but you can't make him think."
You lead a...
Oh, Lisa.
[Tires screeching]
[Horn honking]
Oh, Mr. Haney.
Well, howdy,
Mr. Douglas.
There you are.
$10?
What's that for?
Mr. Douglas, you can say
what you want about me.
But I ain't one
to defraud a neighbor.
What?
Now if you'll just help me
get them chickens
on my truck--
what chickens?
Them inferiors I sold you.
Oh, when I think of
what they've done,
I feel like a pink possum
in a dry goods store.
A pink...
What does that mean?
It means I'm giving you
back your $10.
Now if you'll just give me
a hand in rounding up
them hens...
Oh, no, no. No, thanks,
and here's your $10--
I can't take it,
Mr. Douglas, no, sir.
I sold you them chickens
in good faith,
and if they are laying
distorted eggs,
that ain't good faith.
Oh, you heard
about the square egg.
Square egg?
Oh, Mr. Douglas,
I'm doubly sorry.
You keep the $10,
and I'll give you another $5
for the grief and shame
that they've caused you.
Any chicken that would sink
to laying a square egg
ought to be plucked
and fricasseed.
Now, if you just point
out the culprit,
well, I'll be glad to attend
to the sordid details.
Uh, you didn't happen to hear
that that chicken might be
very valuable, did you?
Now, who told you that,
perky's Turkey?
Mr. Kimball.
Well, that's just
his opinion.
Any square-egg-laying
chicken is worthless.
And I'll give you $20 for it.
I'm, uh, very grateful
for your generosity,
but I'm not interested.
You got any idea
which one of the hens
is putting out
the eccentric eggs?
No, I haven't.
Would you like
to find out?
Yes, I would.
Well, then maybe
we should take them all
over to my place.
What for?
No charge.
No thanks.
Mr. Douglas, I've got
some wonderful results
from my watching service.
Would you care
to hear a letter
from a grateful customer?
Mr. Haney, I'm not--
"dear Mr. Haney,
"I want to thank you
for the wonderful service.
"Without your help,
I never would have found out
which one of my chickens
was laying the duck eggs."
Oh, come on.
Now, I've got another one
from his brother,
whose duck was
laying chicken eggs.
Mr. Haney, goodbye.
Would you like to buy
a slightly used
number 3 toaster?
No thanks,
I've got a number 5.
Oh, fellow that sold me
this truck said
it had a number 2 hood.
Now, why don't you
return it to him
and get your money back?
I think I will.
7.
[Engine starting]
[Knocking on door]
Come in.
Morning.
My name is, uh--
uh, would you like
to have some breakfast?
Huh?
Coffee and toast.
Well, I...
5.
(Oliver)
Lisa, did you...
Oh, uh, how do you do?
Mr. Douglas?
Yes.
My name is moody.
Mr. Moody, yes,
you are the gentleman that
Mr. Kimball told me about.
That's right, from the
chicken breeders' association.
Mr. Kimball tells me
that you've got
a chicken that...
He's not pulling
my leg now, is he?
[Chuckling]
Pulling your leg.
Wait and see.
There you are.
How do you like your toast,
Mr. Moody?
Huh?
5.
It isn't ready yet,
I'll 5 it some more.
[Mumbling]
What's shaking you up,
the toaster or the egg?
The egg.
Good.
And the toaster.
Well, which one do you
want to talk about?
The egg.
Now, is this real?
It certainly is.
It came right
from the horse's mouth.
The horse's mouth?
What she means is that
one of our chickens laid it.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Now, you sure
that it--it--it's...
Here.
Break it and see.
Well, I'll be.
You want me to scrabble it
for you?
Scrabble?
Yes, you could have it
with your toast.
5.
Is that browned enough?
Now, Mr. Douglas, uh,
could I see these chickens?
Sure,
they're just outside.
Here, put that away.
Follow me.
Very nice to meet you,
Mrs. 5.
Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
Hold it.
Another one.
Mr. Douglas, Mr. Kimball
probably told you
we've been trying to develop
something like this for years.
I don't know that you can
develop something like that.
Maybe it's just
a freak of nature.
There's just a chance
that by hatching
some of these eggs
and cross-breeding,
we might be able to produce
a whole strain of
square-egg layers.
[Clucking]
Which chicken is it?
That's the hitch,
we don't know,
it's one of these.
I'll make a deal
with you.
You let me take the whole
flock and we'll find out
which one it is.
Now I'll give you $1,000
as evidence of good faith.
Plus a quarter of a cent
for every chick we hatch,
providing we're successful
in the breeding.
Have you got a check?
Yup.
I got a pen.
You got a deal.
You made a deal.
How could you
sell my friends?
Lisa, this is a farm,
we don't have any friends.
I mean, we're in business
to make money.
Spoken like a true
Arnold Benedict.
Benedict Arnold.
What did he do?
He was a traitor.
That's what you are,
you Arnold Benedict.
Lisa, they were
only chickens.
To you
they are chickens,
to me they were Harriet,
and henrietta, and Alice.
I'll buy you
a whole new flock.
Don't bother.
If I can't have them,
I don't want any of you.
Lisa.
[Sighs]
[Birds chirping]
Lisa.
Go away.
I can't get
the toaster to 5.
Oh, you lost another friend.
Now, come on. You've been
mooning for days
over those stupid chickens.
And I want to keep mooning.
Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Moody
just drove up.
Oh, I wonder
what he wa--
[chickens clucking]
Alice! Henrietta!
Be careful with Alice.
Watch henrietta,
she's got a big beak.
Mr. Moody, did you find out
which one laid the, uh...
None of them.
You mean that they--
not one square egg.
And to think that I could
fall for the old
"salting the gold mine" bit.
How did you make
those square eggs?
I didn't.
I should've known something
was wrong when I saw that
phony 5 toaster you rigged.
It wasn't rigged.
I'd like
my money back.
You can have it.
I've got it.
I've already stopped
payment on your check.
Well, of all the...
[Car door slams]
Oliver.
What?
Ooh, who did that?
I don't know.
Oh, now Mr. Moody
said that...
And here they...
I don't understand it.
Well,
that's very simple.
The girls didn't know
Mr. Moody.
What's that
got to do with it?
Well, there are things
you would do for friends,
you wouldn't do
for strangers.
Oh. Well--
aren't you glad
the girls are at home?
Yeah, yeah.
What time is dinner?
6.
[Crowing]
Well, good morning.
Good morning,
darling.
You want some toast?
Yes, I'll make it.
5.
5.
Who are you talking to?
The toaster.
What for?
To make the bread
go down.
This is the way
it goes down.
But it always went down
when you said...
You remember the expression
on Mr. Moody's face
when you--
who's Mr. Moody?
The man who took our chickens.
Nobody took our chickens.
Darling,
do you feel all right?
Oh, I...
You didn't sleep very well,
I thought you had a nightmare.
Nightmare?
Mmm-hmm.
No, I don't remember...
Would you like
to have some eggs?
Eggs? Eggs!
Yes, eggs.
Here, I'll get them.
What are you
looking for?
A square egg.
We had a whole bowlful
here yesterday.
Boy, that must have been
some dream.
Dream?
But it was so real.
5.
Where're you going?
I'm going back to bed.
If that's a dream,
I want to see how it ends.
Yelling numbers to toasters.
Mable!
(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ goodbye, city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Clucking]
Good morning, darling.
Good morning.
What are you hitting
the toaster for?
The toast won't go down.
5.
5?
Lisa, what--
that's the number
you've got to say
if you want to make toast: 5.
Come on, that's impossible.
Just because you
say 5--
you'll never get
your toast done that way.
5.
How many eggs do you want
for breakfast? 3?
2.
You got to watch that.
3 and 2 is 5.
I don't believe it.
How do you want your eggs,
fried or scrabbled?
Uh, scrambled.
I don't know how to do that.
Your toast
is burning. 5.
Oh!
What's that?
An egg.
A square egg?
One of the girls must have
a square egg-maker.
Lisa,
I'm having trouble enough
believing a toaster that works
when you say 5,
bu-but a square egg,
that's ridiculous.
Well, you're the one
who wanted to live on a farm.
What's that got
to do with it?
Morning.
Hey, somebody's
toast is burning.
5.
Ain't that
a square egg?
Oh, yeah.
How'd you do it,
Mr. Douglas?
No, I didn't do it.
Somebody's playing
a joke on us.
They planted the egg.
I didn't know
you could plant eggs.
No, I didn't mean that.
Uh, n-no, this is a phony.
Yeah. There's nothing
inside of it but, uh...
A yolk!
How'd you do that?
Put a round egg
in a square shell?
I didn't do it.
It's real!
Uh, oh, why,
it couldn't be.
Why not?
One of the chickens
must have made a mistake.
A mistake?
Well, they're only human.
Somebody's pulling
your leg, newt.
Yeah, newt, there ain't
no such thing
as a talking Turkey.
Well, perky Dillon's
got one.
Did you
hear him talk?
Yup.
That's impossible.
You heard the expression
"talk Turkey"?
So perky's does.
What did he say?
Who, perky or
the Turkey?
The Turkey.
Clear as anything,
he said, "good morning."
Good morning.
There, he said it again.
Oh, that was
Mr. Douglas.
Huh?
Newt thought you
were a talkin' Turkey.
A talking...
[Chuckling]
There's no such thing.
There ain't no such thing
as a square egg,
but you got one.
How did you find out ab--
oh, you can't keep
a thing like that
a secret, Mr. Douglas.
How'd you do it?
I didn't do it,
one of my hens did it.
Which one?
I didn't ask her.
Maybe we can get
perky's Turkey
to question them.
Uh, Mr. Drucker, uh, do you
carry electric toasters?
I thought you had one.
Well, I have,
but it's not working right.
The bread doesn't go down.
You try saying 3 to it?
Maybe he's got an 8.
No I've got a 5.
Never heard of a 5.
Ah, must be
a discontinued model.
Yeah, yeah, all the
newer models start with 8.
Except 29b, that works
on 7 and a half.
7 and a...
Does the bread go up and down
when you say 5 to it?
Yes, but...
I thought you said
it wasn't working right?
Well, when I first bought it,
you--you put the bread in,
it goes down, it gets toasted,
and then it comes up.
Without saying anything?
That's right.
Well, you ought to have
brought it in then.
That's when it wasn't
working right.
If you don't like 5,
Mr. Douglas,
why don't you bring it in?
Maybe I can tinker it in
to some other number.
No, 5 is, uh...
Would...
[Sighs deeply]
I'll see you later.
Hi.
Hello, darling.
Did you get
the new toaster?
No, I didn't get one.
Mr. Drucker said that there's
nothing wrong with this one.
It's just
a discontinued model.
They no longer
make a 5.
[Clanks]
You can be replaced
with a 7 and a half.
What is
a 7 and a half?
I don't know,
it's something
Mr. Drucker--
does it do anything
that you can't do
with a 5?
[Clanking]
I'm warning you.
I just can't
understand it, I...
It must be something
they put in the electricity.
Maybe they florigate it.
Fluoridate.
Uh, no, that's what
they do with water.
Then what do they do
with electrissical?
I don't know,
I can't explain it.
Maybe you can explain this.
Explain what?
Mmm!
Chocolate malted.
I know, I just got it
out of Eleanor.
What?
Not only that.
I got a pail of strawberry
from her, one of boysenberry,
and one of pistachio.
Different flavors
from each tap.
[Laughing]
Had you going, didn't I?
Very funny.
Some practical joke.
Why would Eleanor play
a practitioner's joke?
Not Eleanor, eb.
Did you put
that square egg
out there?
No, sir.
Eb, no hen lays
a square egg.
No, they lay
3 of them.
Oh, that's impossible.
Don't tell me,
tell whoever did it.
Do you have any idea
which hen laid these eggs.
It could be
anyone of 6.
[Clanks]
Oh, you got
a new toaster.
No, it's the
same old one.
It's gone berserk,
it's clicking on
all numbers.
I'm not surprised.
The way you yelled at it,
it doesn't know what it is.
Lisa, which hen do you
think laid the eggs?
I don't know.
Well, it shouldn't be
too hard to find out.
All we gotta do is look
for a square chicken.
Ok, you guys, line up.
Which one of you
laid the square egg?
[Clucking]
Well, you're not going
to find out that way.
How are you
gonna find out?
Well, uh...
How about giving 'em
a lie detector test?
Yeah.
How about putting one
of the square eggs down,
and then see
which hen sits on it.
How do you know
that the hen that laid it
is gonna sit on it?
Mother instinct.
Oh?
Well, it's worth a try.
Ah, Lisa.
Yes, darling?
Uh, bring out
a square egg, will you?
Uh, which one?
Any one.
Should I tell them
what we're gonna do?
Look, you're not--
no, I guess not.
It might put 'em
on their guard.
Here they are.
I broke them.
Up you go.
Well, what did you
want them for, anyhow?
Well, we thought
whoever laid it
might sit on 'em.
Well, they wouldn't
sit on it now,
it's too messy.
Yeah.
She'll lay another one.
Who will?
The one
who laid these.
And what if
she doesn't?
But she did!
(Oliver)
What?
The square-egg layer
has struck again.
Did you see who did it?
No, but I'll bet it's her.
[Clucking]
She has a smug look
on her beak.
If we could
separate them.
We could put them in
those old cages in the barn.
We are not going
to put my girls
in any cages.
Oh, come on, it's not
gonna hurt them.
You see anything, eb?
Nothing yet.
[Gasps]
[Whispering]
What are you doing?
[Whispering]
I'm watching the chickens.
What for?
To see which one
is laying the square egg.
Oh, boy.
Mr. Douglas,
you didn't fall off
anything today
and hit your head?
How about yesterday?
I haven't fallen off anything
and hit my head in weeks.
But you're seeing
square eggs?
That's what I said.
Seen any
square watermelons?
No.
How about
flying saucers?
No.
Just square eggs?
Yes.
When did you start
drinking again?
Mr. Kimball--
Mr. Douglas,
Emily just laid an egg.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's round.
That's a shame.
Mr. Kimball,
one of these chickens
is laying square eggs.
Mr. Douglas,
that's impossible.
Well, it's not
impossible.
Yes,
it is impossible.
Would you like to see one?
One what?
A square egg.
So you're still
on that kick?
I'll show you one.
Eb.
Keep an eye on things,
will you?
Don't worry, i--i--
you stupid...
Mr. Douglas,
how long after eb started
dropping things on your head
did you start seeing
these, uh, square eggs?
This is the first time
eb ever dropped
anything on my head.
And you haven't
started drinking?
Mr. Kimball, you come with me,
I'll show you a square egg.
[Clears throat]
Now do you believe it?
That doesn't
prove anything.
What?
That's a round egg
in a square shell.
Square shell?
Mr. Douglas, the chicken
that laid that egg
has a fortune in her hands.
Well, not in her hands.
What do you mean,
a fortune?
Well, old ned moody,
over at the chicken breeders'
association,
has been trying to breed
a chicken that would lay
square eggs for years.
And he said it'd,
uh, revolutionize
the egg business.
Well, it wouldn't do
easter any good.
Easter?
Well, you couldn't roll
a square egg on the
president's lawn.
You'd have
an easter egg schlide.
Lisa...
Uh, what
were you saying?
I was saying you'll have
an easter egg schlide.
No, not you, you.
An easter egg
schlide is
all right with me.
No, no, what were you
saying about Mr. Moody?
Oh, that crackpot?
Do you know what
he's been trying to do?
Breed a chicken
that would lay
a square egg.
And we know
there's no such thing as a...
Where'd that come from?
Oh, that's what you wanted
to see Mr. Moody about.
No, I didn't want
to see Mr. Moody.
Then why do you keep
mentioning his name?
You keep mentioning
his name!
Any idea why?
Oh, yeah. He'd be very
interested in this.
Probably offer you
a lot of money
for the chicken that laid it.
If it isn't a gag.
No, no,
it isn't a gag.
Yeah, I bet it's made out
of nutty putty.
Well, there's nothing nutty
about that putty.
It's all egg.
Well, uh, so long.
[Groans]
Sorry, i--
I'll have Mr. Moody
drop by.
He broke the egg.
Oh, there, don't worry,
you'll get another one.
Nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing.
Uh, would you mind
standing up?
[Clucking]
Come on, come on,
up on your feet, up, up.
That is no way to talk
to a nice chicken.
Henrietta, would you
please stand up?
Thank you.
Nothing.
No eggs,
not even a round one.
I'm not surprised.
How can you expect them
to lay eggs when they're
all copped up?
Cooped up.
Would you lay an egg
under those circumstances?
I wouldn't lay an egg
under any circumstances.
You only say that
because you are not a chicken.
She's got to lay eggs.
What else can she
do with them?
Well there's no use
keeping them cooped up.
Copped up.
I'm going to let them out.
Might as well.
You stupid chickens.
Come on, henrietta.
Uh, come on, girls.
Stretch your drumsticks.
Come on, darling. Emily.
There you are.
Come on. Out, out, out.
[Clucking]
I might as well
take these cages out.
Look, another one.
I knew my girls
won't let you down.
Now, which one
was in this cage?
The one that laid
the square egg.
I know, but which one?
Which one of you, uh...
Oh, you miserable--
Oliver!
This is
the most frustrating...
What are you trying to do,
keep it a secret?
You know
the old saying:
"You can lead a horse
over the water
but you can't make him think."
You lead a...
Oh, Lisa.
[Tires screeching]
[Horn honking]
Oh, Mr. Haney.
Well, howdy,
Mr. Douglas.
There you are.
$10?
What's that for?
Mr. Douglas, you can say
what you want about me.
But I ain't one
to defraud a neighbor.
What?
Now if you'll just help me
get them chickens
on my truck--
what chickens?
Them inferiors I sold you.
Oh, when I think of
what they've done,
I feel like a pink possum
in a dry goods store.
A pink...
What does that mean?
It means I'm giving you
back your $10.
Now if you'll just give me
a hand in rounding up
them hens...
Oh, no, no. No, thanks,
and here's your $10--
I can't take it,
Mr. Douglas, no, sir.
I sold you them chickens
in good faith,
and if they are laying
distorted eggs,
that ain't good faith.
Oh, you heard
about the square egg.
Square egg?
Oh, Mr. Douglas,
I'm doubly sorry.
You keep the $10,
and I'll give you another $5
for the grief and shame
that they've caused you.
Any chicken that would sink
to laying a square egg
ought to be plucked
and fricasseed.
Now, if you just point
out the culprit,
well, I'll be glad to attend
to the sordid details.
Uh, you didn't happen to hear
that that chicken might be
very valuable, did you?
Now, who told you that,
perky's Turkey?
Mr. Kimball.
Well, that's just
his opinion.
Any square-egg-laying
chicken is worthless.
And I'll give you $20 for it.
I'm, uh, very grateful
for your generosity,
but I'm not interested.
You got any idea
which one of the hens
is putting out
the eccentric eggs?
No, I haven't.
Would you like
to find out?
Yes, I would.
Well, then maybe
we should take them all
over to my place.
What for?
No charge.
No thanks.
Mr. Douglas, I've got
some wonderful results
from my watching service.
Would you care
to hear a letter
from a grateful customer?
Mr. Haney, I'm not--
"dear Mr. Haney,
"I want to thank you
for the wonderful service.
"Without your help,
I never would have found out
which one of my chickens
was laying the duck eggs."
Oh, come on.
Now, I've got another one
from his brother,
whose duck was
laying chicken eggs.
Mr. Haney, goodbye.
Would you like to buy
a slightly used
number 3 toaster?
No thanks,
I've got a number 5.
Oh, fellow that sold me
this truck said
it had a number 2 hood.
Now, why don't you
return it to him
and get your money back?
I think I will.
7.
[Engine starting]
[Knocking on door]
Come in.
Morning.
My name is, uh--
uh, would you like
to have some breakfast?
Huh?
Coffee and toast.
Well, I...
5.
(Oliver)
Lisa, did you...
Oh, uh, how do you do?
Mr. Douglas?
Yes.
My name is moody.
Mr. Moody, yes,
you are the gentleman that
Mr. Kimball told me about.
That's right, from the
chicken breeders' association.
Mr. Kimball tells me
that you've got
a chicken that...
He's not pulling
my leg now, is he?
[Chuckling]
Pulling your leg.
Wait and see.
There you are.
How do you like your toast,
Mr. Moody?
Huh?
5.
It isn't ready yet,
I'll 5 it some more.
[Mumbling]
What's shaking you up,
the toaster or the egg?
The egg.
Good.
And the toaster.
Well, which one do you
want to talk about?
The egg.
Now, is this real?
It certainly is.
It came right
from the horse's mouth.
The horse's mouth?
What she means is that
one of our chickens laid it.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
Now, you sure
that it--it--it's...
Here.
Break it and see.
Well, I'll be.
You want me to scrabble it
for you?
Scrabble?
Yes, you could have it
with your toast.
5.
Is that browned enough?
Now, Mr. Douglas, uh,
could I see these chickens?
Sure,
they're just outside.
Here, put that away.
Follow me.
Very nice to meet you,
Mrs. 5.
Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
Hold it.
Another one.
Mr. Douglas, Mr. Kimball
probably told you
we've been trying to develop
something like this for years.
I don't know that you can
develop something like that.
Maybe it's just
a freak of nature.
There's just a chance
that by hatching
some of these eggs
and cross-breeding,
we might be able to produce
a whole strain of
square-egg layers.
[Clucking]
Which chicken is it?
That's the hitch,
we don't know,
it's one of these.
I'll make a deal
with you.
You let me take the whole
flock and we'll find out
which one it is.
Now I'll give you $1,000
as evidence of good faith.
Plus a quarter of a cent
for every chick we hatch,
providing we're successful
in the breeding.
Have you got a check?
Yup.
I got a pen.
You got a deal.
You made a deal.
How could you
sell my friends?
Lisa, this is a farm,
we don't have any friends.
I mean, we're in business
to make money.
Spoken like a true
Arnold Benedict.
Benedict Arnold.
What did he do?
He was a traitor.
That's what you are,
you Arnold Benedict.
Lisa, they were
only chickens.
To you
they are chickens,
to me they were Harriet,
and henrietta, and Alice.
I'll buy you
a whole new flock.
Don't bother.
If I can't have them,
I don't want any of you.
Lisa.
[Sighs]
[Birds chirping]
Lisa.
Go away.
I can't get
the toaster to 5.
Oh, you lost another friend.
Now, come on. You've been
mooning for days
over those stupid chickens.
And I want to keep mooning.
Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Moody
just drove up.
Oh, I wonder
what he wa--
[chickens clucking]
Alice! Henrietta!
Be careful with Alice.
Watch henrietta,
she's got a big beak.
Mr. Moody, did you find out
which one laid the, uh...
None of them.
You mean that they--
not one square egg.
And to think that I could
fall for the old
"salting the gold mine" bit.
How did you make
those square eggs?
I didn't.
I should've known something
was wrong when I saw that
phony 5 toaster you rigged.
It wasn't rigged.
I'd like
my money back.
You can have it.
I've got it.
I've already stopped
payment on your check.
Well, of all the...
[Car door slams]
Oliver.
What?
Ooh, who did that?
I don't know.
Oh, now Mr. Moody
said that...
And here they...
I don't understand it.
Well,
that's very simple.
The girls didn't know
Mr. Moody.
What's that
got to do with it?
Well, there are things
you would do for friends,
you wouldn't do
for strangers.
Oh. Well--
aren't you glad
the girls are at home?
Yeah, yeah.
What time is dinner?
6.
[Crowing]
Well, good morning.
Good morning,
darling.
You want some toast?
Yes, I'll make it.
5.
5.
Who are you talking to?
The toaster.
What for?
To make the bread
go down.
This is the way
it goes down.
But it always went down
when you said...
You remember the expression
on Mr. Moody's face
when you--
who's Mr. Moody?
The man who took our chickens.
Nobody took our chickens.
Darling,
do you feel all right?
Oh, I...
You didn't sleep very well,
I thought you had a nightmare.
Nightmare?
Mmm-hmm.
No, I don't remember...
Would you like
to have some eggs?
Eggs? Eggs!
Yes, eggs.
Here, I'll get them.
What are you
looking for?
A square egg.
We had a whole bowlful
here yesterday.
Boy, that must have been
some dream.
Dream?
But it was so real.
5.
Where're you going?
I'm going back to bed.
If that's a dream,
I want to see how it ends.
Yelling numbers to toasters.
Mable!
(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.