Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 7 - Neighborliness - full transcript

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

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[whump]

What are you doing
up there?

[Quietly] I'm
getting dressed.

Can't you get dressed
somewhere else?

I'll go out
in the living room.

You can't.
Mother is in there.

Maybe she's up.

[Thud]

Help.



Help.

Lisa, I'm stuck here.
Help me.

Wait a minute,
darling. Wait.

I'm stuck!
Wait!

Wait, I'm coming.
Ooh. There.

Ohh!

Oh, sweetheart,
are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right!

Shh. You'll
wake up mother.

Well, why'd you ask her
to stay here, anyway?

She came all the way
from New York

to see us.

To see you.

She doesn't like me.

She likes you.
You are her son.

Why does she always
introduce me

as her attorney?

Only reason
she came out here

was to get you to go back
to New York with her.

Darling, I promise
you I'm not going

back to New York.

Oh, thank you.

Today.

Eb: Mr. Douglas,
Mr. Douglas!

Eb...

What's the matter?

Just wanted to make
sure you were up.

Bertram didn't
crow again.

Yes, I know.

You want to have
a talk with him?

No. Get the tractor
out of the barn,

and hook up
the power saw.

[Squawking]

He's not gonna use
it on you, Bertram.

He's gonna fix
the porch rail.

It's none of his business
what I'm going to do.

Oliver, stop shouting.
You're gonna wake up mother.

I'm sorry!

About what?

For shouting.

I don't mind.

Your bark is worse
than your bite.

Get the tractor.

Yes, sir.

[Chugging]

[Sawing]

[Sawing stops]

[Sawing]

[Sawing stops]

[Sawing]

[Sawing stops]

[Sawing]

[Sawing stops]

Oliver,
what are you doing?

I'm fixing
the porch rail.

Oh, Oliver, you were
such a lovely child.

What happened to you?

One...

2...

3...

4...

Good morning, Alice.

There will be 4
for breakfast.

Oh, I hate
to put you

to the extra
trouble.

Well, what are you
doing, dear?

I'm looking for
the egg beater.

Is that
where you keep it?

No. It fell
into the batter.

I'm making hot cakes.

Hot cakes--
what are they?

They are little cakes.

You put them on the girdle
and make them hot.

Oh, Oliver's
gone too far.

He's dragging you
down with him.

Look...
It's easy.

[Sizzles]

Ooh! Good heavens!

That's all right.
It always does that.

[Sizzling]

[Bubbling]

They're alive!

Would you like
to turn them?

I never touched
a kitchen utensil

in my life.

Darling,
cooking is fun.

Oh, you poor darling.

You've cracked
under the strain.

Mother, why don't
you try

to make yourself
useful?

Oh, I fully
intend to.

I'm going to get
a court order,

and have you taken
out of here.

No, mother.

At least just set
the table for me.

Oh, very well.

Cooking your own
breakfast.

Setting your own table.

Oh! What a primitive
way to live.

I'll tell Oliver
to fix it.

He's so handy.

Oh, your gorgeous
China...

Must you use it?

It's better than using
the tin plates

Mr. haney
rented us.

Tin plates? Ecch!

And darling,
use the tablecloth.

Isn't this
the linen cloth

I sent you
from Ireland?

Yes, mother.

Well, I guess it's
right at home here

in this peat bog.

[Clinking]

What's that?

Coffee.

Oh. Is it ready yet?

[Pow]

It is now.

Darling...

Oh, darling,
breakfast

will be ready
in a little while.

Uh-huh.

You, uh, you
notice anything?

Oh! You chopped
enough wood

for the whole
winter.

Uh, those are just
a few mistakes I made.

Here. Take a look
at the porch rail.

What happened to it?

I fixed it!

Oh, darling,
you're so clever.

Yes, I, uh...

Well, maybe I can
do a better job.

It's a little, um...

It looks fine.

It matches the way
the roof goes.

Now that I got
the knack,

I can redo it someday.

Darling,
you better come in.

Mother is setting
the table.

My mother?

She only broke
2 dishes so far.

[Crack]

3.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Mr. kimble.

Break your thumb?

Uh, no. No, no.

Now, Mr. kimball--
oh!

I see that you sawed up
your lumber for the winter.

Uh, no, uh...

Look, did you
get that report

on my soil analysis yet?

Well, not yet.
You see, the, uh,

the lab down at
the agricultural school

is pretty busy
this time of year.

Oh.
I mean,

all the other county
agents are sending

in samples
for analysis.

I wish they'd hurry.

I'm eager
to get started.

I'm going to take
those fallow fields,

you know,
and turn them over.

Plant those
sleeping seeds

there in that rich,
brown loam,

where they'll
be nourished

by the sun
and the rain.

Finally,
they push up

through the earth.
Tiny green stalks

reaching up
to the sky.

You can almost
hear them say,

"pick me! Pick me!"

Pick me?

[Clears throat]

Well, it certainly
is a good idea

about sawing up
the lumber there.

Mr. kimble, is there
anything I can do?

I've got 160 acres
lying idle.

Oh, I wouldn't say
they were lying idle,

Mr. Douglas.
No, sir.

They're growing some
pretty nice weeds.

Well, they're not
all weeds.

Uh, some nice rocks
and tree stumps.

Well, you could plow
all that stuff under.

You couldn't plow it
all under,

but you could get
a good start

while you
were waiting.

Plow up
the fields, huh?

Hey, that's
a good suggestion.

It is?
Yeah.

Oh, it is!

Do you have a plow?

No.

Then it isn't a very
good suggestion.

I'll get one.

Oh, fine, fine.
I suggest that you

get a moldboard
plow or a disc,

but I wouldn't
wait too long.

No, it's important
that you get

your plowing done
as soon as possible,

or you'll be too late
for the planting season.

Oh?

If you're too late,
you'll just, uh, miss it.

Well, I'll get one
somewhere.

Oh, fine, fine.
Very good.

I'll leave you
a couple of bulletins

from the department

maybe give you
a little help there.

Oh, thank you.

You know,
you county agents

certainly perform
a great service

to us farmers.

Well, it's our job
to help people

who don't know
what they're doing.

Yes.
I mean, uh...

Not that you know
what you're doing--

I mean...

Well, if you run
into any trouble,

just give me a call,
Mr. Douglas.

[Starts engine]

[Thud]

For crying out--
mother...

I'm sorry...

Oh!

That the whole house
didn't fall down.

Lisa wants you
to come in for breakfast.

Just a moment, Oliver.
I want to talk to you.

What about?

Oliver, you've got
to give up this madness

for Lisa's sake.

Well, she likes it.

Likes it?

Have you ever seen
that lovely creature

fielding
coffee pot tops?

What?

Or dragging her batter
for her egg beater bottom?

What are you
talking about?

Oh, Oliver,
if you won't do it

for Lisa's sake,
then do it for me.

No!

Since you came here,
i have been barred

from the sand's point
Polo club.

So what?

Oliver, please
give it up.

No!

Oh, Oliver,
where did I go wrong?

Well, good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney.

Good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

You been drafted?

This is
a riding habit.

Oh, well, uh, maybe
you can break it. Ha ha!

Uh, well, how'd
you sleep last night?

I don't believe that's
any of your business.

I hate to disagree
with you, but it is.

See, I rented Mr. Douglas
that cot for you,

and if you didn't sleep,

then I won't
charge him for it.

I didn't sleep
at all.

Uh, you got
any witnesses?

I beg your pardon!

Uh, Mr. haney,

if my mother says
she didn't sleep,

she didn't sleep.

Oh, well, then,
there's no charge

for the cot.
Thank you.

Just, uh, 50 cents
for the mattress.

50 cents.

Well, that's all filled

with hand-plucked
goose feathers.

If there is so much
as one goose feather

in that entire mattress,
i would like to see it.

There'll be an extry charge
for ripping it open.

Oliver, don't you
dare pay him.

She's a feisty one,
ain't she?

Look, Mr. haney,
I've got to get

some breakfast,
and then I've got

to go out
and look for a plow.

Oops!

Did you say plow?

Mr. haney,
I'm not going

to buy that plow
that you just

happen to have
on your truck.

Oh, I haven't got one
on the truck.

All I've got is a stove
and an armchair,

and that old thing.

Whatever it is.

That is a plow.

You're joshing.

Mr. haney, how is it
that you always

show up with
just what I need?

Well, let me put it
another way.

How is it
you always need

what I show up with?

I'm not going to buy
that plow from you.

I'm going to order one
from Mr. drucker.

Oh, well, Sam carries
a fine line

of farming equipment.

He does.

Charges
fair prices, too.

Right.

And his deliveries

are the slowest
in the county.

Reckon it'll take you
about 3 weeks

to get a plow from him.

3 weeks!

Just in time to miss
planting season.

I can't wait
3 weeks.

You want to give me
a hand?

[Engine putting]

All right.
You ready?

Ok.

Hold it! Hold it!

What's the matter?

Shouldn't we use
the whole plow?

Where's
the rest of it?

Back there.

Ohh...
That haney!

After buying
the tractor from him,

I should've
known better.

Well, at least
the tractor

held together.

[Clang]

You and
your big mouth.

How much you want
for this?

$15.

I'll give you 10.

15!

One barrel's shorter
than the other.

It ain't going
to do you any good

to knock the merchandise.
It's $15.

12. It's
second-hand.

15. It's never been fired.
It was owned

by a little old schoolteacher
up in pixley.

She just used it
for demonstrations

in her biology class.

That don't
make sense.

Makes as much sense as you
offering me $12 for it.

Well, I got to have
it for duck season.

I'll take it.

Now, that'll be $15.

Put it on
my account.

You haven't got
an account.

Put it on the shady
rest hotel account.

You ain't authorized

to charge anything
to the shady rest.

I'm the manager.

You're a relative.

Listen, Sam,
why don't you...

Good morning,
Mr. drucker.

Mr. Carson.
Hi.

Mr. drucker,
what i--

you like
duck hunting?

Uh, yes.
Uh, Mr. drucker--

you got a shotgun?

No.

What do you
think of this?

Mr...

Uh, very nice.
Very nice.

Mr. drucker--

you like to go halves
on it with me?

Uh, no, thank you.
Uh, Mr. drucker--

your half would
only cost you $15.

The whole gun
costs $15.

His half would
cost him less

than what the whole gun
cost me.

You wouldn't
want to take advantage

of me, would you,
Mr. Douglas?

No, no, no.

Yeah. Put it on
Mr. Douglas' account.

I'll use it
the first week.

Oh, no, no.
Look...

I came in
to buy a plow.

Can't hunt ducks
with a plow.

Well, I'm not
going hunting.

Then what do you
want the gun for?

Joe, leave
Mr. Douglas alone.

What kind of plow
do you want?

Uh, a moldboard,
uh, or a disc.

I'd buy a moldboard.
$15 cheaper,

and you can use
the money to buy a...

He doesn't want
a gun!

I suggest you get
a disc plow.

Now, I could
have one here for you

in a little over
3 weeks.

3 weeks?

While you're waiting,
we could do

a little duck hunting
if you had a gun.

Look, Mr. Carson,
this is very important.

If I don't get
my fields plowed

within the next
3 weeks,

I'm going to miss
the planting season.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
even if I had a plow here,

you'd never get
your farm plowed in time...

Not with that tractor
haney sold you.

What am I going
to do?

Mr. Douglas, how'd
you like to have

your whole farm
plowed up in one day?

Joe, he'd have
to have 15 plows

and tractors
to do that.

I figured 18.

How about Sunday morning,
that all right?

Where you going
to get 18?

Sam, you tend to your
second-hand shotguns,

and leave
the agricultural problems

to us experts.

Mr. Carson, even if
you could get them,

I couldn't
afford it.

Won't cost you
a cent.

I don't understand.

Just leave it
to me.

Oh, Sam,
hold that shotgun.

I'll be back
for it later.

[Chugging]

Darling, stop
walking on the bed.

I'm not walking
on the bed.

Then what is making
it jiggle?

Ow!

Holy smoke!

The front yard's
full of tractors.

What?

Tractors!

Men: Mornin', Mr. Douglas.

Fred, how are you? Hi.

Where's the start place
going to be?

The starting place?

What kind of prizes
are you giving?

Prizes?

What are we having
for lunch?

Lunch?

That's what it says
right here.

"Giant plowing
contest..."

"Douglas farm.

Old haney place.
Entry fee $1.00?"

Gentlemen, there's been
some mistake.

Joe said you had
some good prizes.

Joe who?

Carson.

Joe Carson. We already
give him our dollar

for entrance fee.

You paid Joe Carson to--

good morning,
gentlemen.

All: Good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

Doggone, you sure
look pretty,

Mrs. Douglas.

Why, thank you.

Oh, I wish my wife looked
that pretty in the morning.

Or in the afternoon.

Or in the evening.

Or in the summer.

Mr. ziffel, please,
this is important.

I'd like to get this
straightened out.

What is it you want
to straighten out?

Oh, what a clever idea
to get your land plowed.

It's not my idea.
It's Joe Carson's idea.

Gentlemen, Joe Carson has
perpetrated a fraud on you.

Well, we're
used to that.

Yeah. Anytime Joe's
got something going,

we know it ain't
what he's

got going that he's
really got going.

Yeah.

Well, I wanted to have
my fields plowed,

and he needed
a shotgun,

and here we are.

Well, if you wanted
your fields plowed,

now, why didn't
you ask us

instead of thinking up
a contest?

I didn't think it up.

Well, we're
your neighbors.

You'd do
the same for us.

Wouldn't you?

Sure, but...

Well, why wouldn't we
do the same for you?

Uh...

We'll have it done
before lunch.

Oh, what a day, huh?

Biggest lunch
you ever saw!

Oliver!

[Tractors chugging]

All you can eat!
Bring your families.

Oliver!

I've always said
that the American farmer

is the only member
of our society

with a true spirit
of neighborliness.

The only man
you can depend on

in a time of
trouble.

[Tractor chugging]

Oliver, 75 for lunch?

There may be more.

Lisa, it's the least
we can do.

Those people are out
there plowing up

my fields, and all
they ask in return

is a simple lunch.

The only thing I ever
learned how to cook

are hot cakes.

Oh, those...

Well, uh, you'll
think of something.

What I am thinking...

Is against the law.

Where's Oliver?

He's out there,
helping with the plowing.

Good! We can get
the bags in the car,

and be out of here
before--

mother,
I'm not leaving.

Oliver wants me to cook
lunch for 75 people.

Just like
his father.

Many's the time
he's called me

from the turkish
bath and said,

"there'll be 150
for dinner."

And what
did you do?

What any good wife
would do.

I'd pitch in,
roll up my sleeves,

and call
the caterers.

Mother, there aren't
any caterers here.

Then I'm sunk.

[Knocking]

Good morning.

Good morning. Are
you Mrs. Douglas?

Who else
would she be?

I'm Mrs. Miller, and
this is Mrs. ziffel.

Howdy.

Oh, you're the ladies
for the tractors.

Come in, please.

You kids play
outside.

You said we could see
the funny house.

Play outside.
Now, run along.

You know, wilbur's--

they're so cute.
Come in, please.

Thank you.

[Gasps]

Oh, my, isn't it
beautiful?

It's like
Kansas City.

Oh, it's lovely,
Mrs. Douglas.

Thank you.

Did your husband
shoot that?

Uh, no, no.
It came like this.

Would you like
to sit on it?

Oh, I'd love to.

Emily, we just
come here for lunch,

not to sit
on the furniture.

Lunch...

What are you serving?

Well, I...

The last time I had
a crowd over to the house,

I served fried chicken.

Ha ha ha! You
could've fooled me!

I suppose you can
do better.

Anytime.

Everybody says
i make the best

fried chicken
in the valley.

I never said it.

Ladies, wouldn't you

like to settle this
like gentlemen?

[Chugging]

Thank you very much!

Good-bye!

Well, mother,

what do you think
of our neighbors now?

I'll let you know after
I've counted the silver.

Lisa, can you imagine
all those men coming here

and helping me
plow my fields?

And all those women
spending

the whole morning
in the kitchen

cooking chicken.

Yeah. I don't think
you should've

asked them to cook
after the men--

darling, I didn't
ask them.

Why did they do it?

I had a chicken
cooking contest.

A what?

I borrowed the idea
from Mr. Carson.

You didn't ask them
for an entry fee!

Oh, no!

I offered them
a prize.

Bye, Mr. Douglas.

We thank you
very much.

Not at all.

We should thank you,
Mr. Miller.

Good-bye.

Come back again soon.

Bye, Mrs. Miller,
nice to have you here.

Now, Lisa,
what did you--

wait a second!
That's our couch!

No, darling. That is
the first prize.

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