Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 8 - Lisa the Helpmate - full transcript
Oliver races over some new soil samples for the university to analyze after learning his first batch was destroyed in shipping. Seeing an opportunity to get Oliver to give up farming, his mother spikes the dirt with items from her cosmetics bag. Eunice gets her comeuppance when uncouth Joe Carson shows up to woo her with an action-packed evening on the town: a poker game at the Elks lodge.
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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Seed.
You gonna plant
the whole 160 acres
by finger?
No.
[Gasps]
What's the matter,
Mr. Douglas?
How did that
get in there?
Oh, I guess that's one
of Mr. haney's empties.
What did he bury it
here for?
The rest of the fields
are all filled up.
Seed, please.
I thought you were gonna
wait for the report
on the soil analysis
before you started
planting.
I can't wait.
That report was supposed
to have been here
from the state agricultural
college last week.
Oh!
Champagne!
Oh, that was
from Mr. haney's
big celebration party.
What was he celebrating?
Selling you the farm.
Lisa?
Lisa? Darling,
have you seen my--
what are you doing?
Making the bed.
Making the bed?
Good heavens,
that son of mine
has turned you
into a chambermaid.
There is nothing to it.
I do it every day.
Well, it's wrong.
It's wrong
to do this to you.
You, who were once presented
to the king of Sweden...
How well I remember
his majesty remarking
how beautiful and--
and feminine you were,
and how--
Lisa?
Yes, mother?
What are you doing
out there?
Tucking.
Oh, Lisa, you have got to
get out of this--
termite trap
before it's too late!
Darling,
i promised Oliver
I'm going to stay
for 6 months.
Well, maybe he'll give you
time off for good behavior.
I am happy
if Oliver is happy.
Oh, Lisa, you've got
to talk to him.
You've got to get him
to give up this insanity
and go back to New York
and his law practice.
Darling, it's for
your own good. It's--
Lisa?
Lisa, where are you?
Here I am, mother.
Good morning.
Oh!
Oliver.
What are you doing
on our bed?
Talking to Lisa.
You trying to get her
to go back to New York?
My poor boy,
it's for your own good
as well as hers.
Mother, see here.
If you--
what happened
to your finger?
I planted a whole acre
with that.
With that one finger?
Oh, dear.
Oliver,
you know I love you.
Yes, and I love you.
Then you will
see a psychiatrist.
Oliver, you're not cut out
to be a farmer.
You don't have
a strong enough finger.
Mother!
Oh, Lisa...
Can't you make him
listen to reason?
Sorry.
Mother,
have you ever thought of
getting married again?
What?
Yeah, then you could
run your husband's life
instead of mine.
Mother...
Oliver is right.
You should
get married again.
Oh.
Well, if the right man
came along...
[Sneezes]
Betty June, did you
spill a bottle of--
where is that
coming from?
Uncle Joe?
Oh, hi, Kate.
Just getting ready
to go fishing.
Fishing?
Yeah, I sprayed on
a little citronella,
keep the mosquitoes away.
That smells like
Billy Joe's best Cologne.
Ah, mosquitoes won't
know the difference.
Oh! You're not supposed
to clean your shoes
with the towels.
I made that rule
just for the guests.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, well, it don't
make no difference.
Probably be muddy
down along the creek.
Well, be seeing you,
Kate.
Just a second.
You forgot this.
I won't need this, Kate.
I'm going spear fishing.
Bait.
All right, uncle Joe.
Who is she?
Who's who?
The fish you're
gonna spear.
She ain't a fish.
Oh, then it is a she.
Yeah, but that's all
I'm gonna tell you.
Well, I'm not
one to pry.
Where are you taking
Mr. Douglas' mother?
Well, we--
how did you know it was
Mr. Douglas' mother?
Well, you've been
turned down
by every other woman
in the valley.
I have not.
Why did you spray yourself
for Mrs. Douglas?
Well, I just felt sorry
for the old--
nobody ever asks her out.
It's the neighborly
thing to do.
Especially since
she's got money.
She has money?
I think so.
Any idea how much?
Uncle Joe.
It ain't the money.
It's just that
she ought to have
somebody to look
after it for her.
There's a lot of sharpies
in the valley.
Yeah, I know.
The minute they find out
a woman has money,
they put on
ice cream pants,
spray themselves,
and tell everybody
they're going
spear fishing.
Yeah, and--
have a good time,
uncle Joe.
Seed.
[Car engine approaching]
Hello, Mr. Douglas, eb.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Have I been waiting
to see you!
Hurt yourself?
Oh, uh, no,
i, uh...Uh...
He's been
finger planting.
Finger planting?
Ain't that a kick?
I'm going.
What's finger
planting?
Finger planting,
you know. I, uh--
and then I put a seed in.
Oh! Well, that's one way
of doing it.
Not that I ever
heard of anybody
doing it that way.
But there's no law
against it.
At least,
i don't think
there's any law
against it.
I could check
with the chief.
Mr. kimball--
you know how
the American Indian
used to plant
his crops?
He used
a seeding machine.
Well, it wasn't
really a machine.
It was a--
well, they used to tie
a bunch of squaws
together, and--
well, they weren't
all squaws.
Some of them were
British soldiers
they had captured,
and, uh...
Well, they didn't
capture them.
Some of them--
Mr. kimball.
May I ask you a question?
Why, certainly,
Mr. Douglas.
That's what
I'm here for.
All I want to know
is did you get the report
back on my soil samples?
Soil samples?
I gave them to you
3 weeks ago.
Oh! The 3-week-ago ones.
Yes.
Did you send them in?
Certainly.
And I must say
that yours were packed
nicer than anybody's.
Well, a lot
of the farmers
put their samples
in, uh, old cigar boxes
or paper bags.
But those glass jars...
Heh heh heh.
They certainly
break very easily.
They broke?
Oh, no,
they didn't break.
They just sort of
cracked.
[Glass clatters loudly]
Yes, I guess
they did break.
Why didn't you
tell me before?
Well, it was
out of my hands.
I had to notify the post
office department.
And they sent
an inspector down
to inspect the package,
and, uh, I must admit he
was very nice about it,
and he said
it was broken.
Anybody can tell
it's broken.
Yes, anybody could.
But not officially
until the post office
shook it.
But once they shook it,
they cut right through
the red tape
and said it was broken.
You told me that
unless I get my seeds in
within the next 3 weeks,
I'll miss the whole
planting season.
What do I do now?
Well,
if you get some new
soil samples together,
I'll deliver them
myself.
Well, not myself.
I'll see that
they get there.
Never mind,
I'll take them.
Where is the lab?
The second floor.
Of what?
Oh, the state
university.
Well, it's not really
a university.
The founder money used--
I'll find it.
While you're at the lab,
be sure that
you tell them
about your
finger planting.
They might want to get
a bulletin out on it.
Oh, Mr. Carson.
I just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and thought I'd drop by.
Come in, come in.
Oh. Citronella.
Oh.
You're so dressed up.
Uh, this is
my fishing outfit.
Anybody home?
I am home.
Any unmarried people?
Oh.
I'll get mother.
Oh, uh...
If she's milking a cow
or anything,
don't bother.
She's just
in the kitchen.
Oh, mother,
there is someone
here to see you.
Who in this
horrible place would--
oh.
It's you.
Hi, eunice.
Eunice?
Mr. Carson,
who gave you permission
to call me
by my first name?
I don't remember.
But it couldn't
have been you.
Here. Brought you
some gum drops.
Gum drops?
Yeah, you got gums,
ain't you?
That was very thoughtful
of you, Mr. Carson.
Well, Kate was gonna
throw them away anyway.
Some salesman
left them in his room.
Yuck.
I think I better
leave you 2 alone.
Bye.
Lisa!
Care to sit down?
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Mr. Carson,
don't you usually
remove your hat in the house?
Waiting for
the brilliantine to dry.
Mr. Carson, may I ask
what the purpose
of this visit is?
Well, I figured, you
being stuck out here,
you might like to
mix in a little
with our social life.
I can hardly wait.
I figured you'd play
a little harder to get.
I beg your pardon?
How would like
to play a little poker
at the elk's club
tonight?
The elk's club?
I can get you in.
I'll borrow a tooth.
Really, Mr. Carson,
i am not interested.
That ain't
the whole evening.
Afterwards,
we go bowling.
Then we have a bite
at the diner.
Dutch treat, of course.
I always go Dutch
on the first date.
In case it don't
work out,
I ain't out nothing.
Mr. Carson--
we'll meet in front of
Sam's store at 8:00.
don't forget
your bowling shoes.
Oh!
Lisa!
Oh, hiya,
Mr. Carson.
Mr. Douglas, I'd like to
ask you something.
Yeah, yeah,
no, no, Lisa.
This is very important.
Yeah, what is it?
Is it all right if I take
your mother out tonight?
Take my mother out?
What are you
asking me for?
I--
Lisa!
What is it, darling?
Is it all right if I take
Mrs. Douglas out tonight?
It's all right with me.
Lisa, I, uh--
why shouldn't he?
Mr. Carson is
a very nice man.
Well said, baby.
Mr. Carson,
this is very important.
Now, Lisa,
I've got to drive
up to the state
university
to take these
soil samples.
What happened to
the other ones?
They broke them
they didn't like them.
Oh, no, uh...
Look, I gotta
change.
What time do you want your
mother home, Mr. Douglas?
What time?
I don't care.
I just didn't want
to get started
on the wrong foot, son.
Son?
Come on, darling,
let's change.
Come along.
Just an expression.
Nothing he'll
hold me to.
Mr. Carson,
would you mind leaving?
I'm feeling
a little faint.
Oh. Uh...
Put your head between
your legs and cough.
Not while you're
standing up, of course.
Mr. Carson,
would you please leave?
Now, see what you've done,
you clumsy oaf!
Well, all you gotta do
is put the right dirt
back in
the right bottle.
All I have to do?
And you better not
make a mistake.
Otherwise your son won't
get an accurate report.
Mr. Carson!
I'll see you at 8:00.
Oh, you better
bring your own towel.
Them hand dryers
at the alleys
don't always
work too good.
How do I know which--
so he gets a bad report.
What do i--
oh.
[Giggles]
Oh. Be careful, i--
I'm sorry, professor.
No, I'm not a professor.
Uh, I'm trying to find
the soil lab.
Soil lab.
Yes.
I'm sorry, I'm a business
administration major.
Oh.
Hey, Duke,
where's the soil lab?
What's that?
It's where
they test the soil.
Oh, well, you got me.
I'm majoring
in phys. Ed.
I thought you were
a theater arts major.
No, I changed my major.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
have gotten credit
for those 2 years
of hygiene I took.
Fellows, the soil lab.
Chuck.
Chuck could tell you.
He's an aggie major.
Uh-huh. Now,
where will I find him?
He's in the soil lab.
But where--
never mind.
Douglas, Douglas,
Douglas.
Oh, yes, kimball
called me about you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Eh, you're the man who--
oh, yes, well, I thought
I'd gain a little time.
You didn't break it,
did you?
A little sore,
but it's, uh--
Mr. Webster,
about my soil samples.
You know,
I'm new to farming.
I was a New York attorney.
And some of my friends thought
that I was out of my mind
to give up
a successful practice
and move out of a penthouse
to devote my life to farming.
Well, I can understand
how they--
no, Mr. Webster.
Now, let me tell you.
They are the ones who are
out of their minds...
Living in a dirty city,
pushing and shoving,
trying to survive.
When a man can have
a little piece of land
and till it...
Bring little green
things to life...
Nourish them into maturity...
Harvest them...
And then bring them
to the marketplace,
knowing that he's making
an important contribution
to the lifeblood
of our economy...
You can...
Still go back
to your law practice,
can't you?
Yes, I could,
but I don't want to do that.
No, I want to be a farmer.
Well, kimball said
you were a...
[Laughs]
But then, he's
no psychiatrist!
So, now, Mr. Douglas,
I know you're anxious
about these samples.
I'll put them through
for you right away.
Darling...
How did it go?
Go and pack.
Pack?
Everything.
Clothing, furniture...
We're going
back to New York.
Going back to New York?
Wait till I tell mother.
Why are we going
back to New York?
That's what you want,
isn't it?
Of course
that's what I want,
but--but you
don't want it.
And if you don't want
it, I don't want it,
because I want what
you don't want.
Lisa, go and pack.
Not until
you tell me why.
You know, this--
this soil...
Has got...
Well, it hasn't really...
Well, they--they
told me that it had...
Well, that's not possible.
I'm not gonna
talk about this.
Go on, pack.
Where are you going?
I'm going in
to drucker's,
and I'm gonna call
New York,
see if we can get our
penthouse back, and...
See about putting
the farm up for sale.
I'll be back later.
Now, uh, when will my ad
run, Mr. drucker?
In this week's edition.
Only I don't think you're
gonna get too many offers
once the word gets around
about the condition
of your soil.
No, I suppose not.
Of course, we'll miss you
and Mrs. Douglas.
People around here were
just getting used to you.
Thank you.
Of course, they haven't
got used to your mother yet.
Neither have I.
Oh, say,
that reminds me.
She sent me a list
of some things she needs.
You mind taking
them with you?
No.
Uh, what did I do
with that list?
Oh, there you are,
Mr. Douglas.
I've been looking
for you.
Oh, hi, Mr. kimball.
I suppose you heard
about the soil reports.
Heard about it?
The state university
has been burning up
the wires.
Well, they didn't
actually burn.
They called Washington.
Washington?
The city, not the man.
[Chuckles]
Oh, I mean,
he's been, uh--
you probably
read about that.
Well, anyway,
they, uh...
They were going
to call in
the secretary
of agriculture,
but, uh, they thought
it might create
a national crisis.
Well, not
a national crisis.
It's not as bad as
the Japanese beetles,
or anything like that.
Found your mother's list.
Uh, good.
Mr. kimball...
Why did my soil test
cause all this furor?
Well, it wasn't
the soil.
It's what they found
in it.
I mean, there was, uh...
38% bath powder--
bath powder?
Large can of bath powder...
28%, uh...
Hand lotion.
Bottle of hand lotion...
There was, uh,
14% toothpaste.
Small toothpaste...
12.5% cold cream...
Jar of cold cream...
And 8%--
wait, wait, hold it.
What's next
on that list?
Nail Polish remover.
8% nail Polish
remover.
Mother.
But, Oliver, I only
did it for you!
To get you to
see the light!
To get you out of this
house of horrors!
Mother, this is worse
than what you did
to dad!
Painting pink elephants
on his bedroom wall
so he'd--
well, it worked!
Well, this didn't.
I'll get my bags
and go back to New York.
Oh, now...
You don't have
to do that.
Oh, Oliver,
you're such
an understanding son.
Not like your father.
He wouldn't speak to me
for 3 years
after those elephants.
Of course he--
where is Lisa?
I've gotta tell her
the good news.
She's out in the fields.
Lisa!
Do you know what mother--
look.
What's that?
What you planted.
This morning?
You see,
the soil is good.
They made a mistake
with the report.
Come on!
Lisa! Aren't--
darling...
We don't have to go
back to New York.
This is a good farm,
and you are
a wonderful farmer!
This morning you planted
the little seeds,
and eb watered them,
and the sun came
down on them
and bathed them,
and--and look.
A carrot.
Isn't mother nature
wonderful?
Oh, yes.
She certainly is.
This is where
i planted tomatoes.
Well, perhaps it's
a long, thin tomato.
No.
Well, perhaps you made a
mistake with the seeds.
No.
Lisa...
You're wonderful.
Now...
Where did you
get the carrots?
I rented them
from Mr. haney.
All right,
let's take them back.
I wouldn't even attempt
to explain it.
Why do you
have to do that?
Mr. haney
won't take them back
if they are dirty.
[Laughing]
Oh, sweetheart.
You're a paradox.
So are you.
Whatever that is.
Well, I mean, I know you
want to go back to New York,
and yet today you planted
these carrots
so that I'd stay. Now--
now, why did you do that?
I wasn't thinking.
My mother...
You know, you were
very cruel to her.
Well, she had it coming.
Well, you shouldn't have
done what you did.
No, she deserved
everything she got.
Oh, what a night.
How many more times
do I have to go out
with that uncouth
Carson character?
Oh, no!
Didn't you have
a good time?
It was horrible!
I lost $3.20
at poker.
And my bill at
the diner was $1.80.
And...
Could you help me
get this
off my hand?
[Thunk]
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mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic ♪
♪ smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling, I love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
Seed.
You gonna plant
the whole 160 acres
by finger?
No.
[Gasps]
What's the matter,
Mr. Douglas?
How did that
get in there?
Oh, I guess that's one
of Mr. haney's empties.
What did he bury it
here for?
The rest of the fields
are all filled up.
Seed, please.
I thought you were gonna
wait for the report
on the soil analysis
before you started
planting.
I can't wait.
That report was supposed
to have been here
from the state agricultural
college last week.
Oh!
Champagne!
Oh, that was
from Mr. haney's
big celebration party.
What was he celebrating?
Selling you the farm.
Lisa?
Lisa? Darling,
have you seen my--
what are you doing?
Making the bed.
Making the bed?
Good heavens,
that son of mine
has turned you
into a chambermaid.
There is nothing to it.
I do it every day.
Well, it's wrong.
It's wrong
to do this to you.
You, who were once presented
to the king of Sweden...
How well I remember
his majesty remarking
how beautiful and--
and feminine you were,
and how--
Lisa?
Yes, mother?
What are you doing
out there?
Tucking.
Oh, Lisa, you have got to
get out of this--
termite trap
before it's too late!
Darling,
i promised Oliver
I'm going to stay
for 6 months.
Well, maybe he'll give you
time off for good behavior.
I am happy
if Oliver is happy.
Oh, Lisa, you've got
to talk to him.
You've got to get him
to give up this insanity
and go back to New York
and his law practice.
Darling, it's for
your own good. It's--
Lisa?
Lisa, where are you?
Here I am, mother.
Good morning.
Oh!
Oliver.
What are you doing
on our bed?
Talking to Lisa.
You trying to get her
to go back to New York?
My poor boy,
it's for your own good
as well as hers.
Mother, see here.
If you--
what happened
to your finger?
I planted a whole acre
with that.
With that one finger?
Oh, dear.
Oliver,
you know I love you.
Yes, and I love you.
Then you will
see a psychiatrist.
Oliver, you're not cut out
to be a farmer.
You don't have
a strong enough finger.
Mother!
Oh, Lisa...
Can't you make him
listen to reason?
Sorry.
Mother,
have you ever thought of
getting married again?
What?
Yeah, then you could
run your husband's life
instead of mine.
Mother...
Oliver is right.
You should
get married again.
Oh.
Well, if the right man
came along...
[Sneezes]
Betty June, did you
spill a bottle of--
where is that
coming from?
Uncle Joe?
Oh, hi, Kate.
Just getting ready
to go fishing.
Fishing?
Yeah, I sprayed on
a little citronella,
keep the mosquitoes away.
That smells like
Billy Joe's best Cologne.
Ah, mosquitoes won't
know the difference.
Oh! You're not supposed
to clean your shoes
with the towels.
I made that rule
just for the guests.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, well, it don't
make no difference.
Probably be muddy
down along the creek.
Well, be seeing you,
Kate.
Just a second.
You forgot this.
I won't need this, Kate.
I'm going spear fishing.
Bait.
All right, uncle Joe.
Who is she?
Who's who?
The fish you're
gonna spear.
She ain't a fish.
Oh, then it is a she.
Yeah, but that's all
I'm gonna tell you.
Well, I'm not
one to pry.
Where are you taking
Mr. Douglas' mother?
Well, we--
how did you know it was
Mr. Douglas' mother?
Well, you've been
turned down
by every other woman
in the valley.
I have not.
Why did you spray yourself
for Mrs. Douglas?
Well, I just felt sorry
for the old--
nobody ever asks her out.
It's the neighborly
thing to do.
Especially since
she's got money.
She has money?
I think so.
Any idea how much?
Uncle Joe.
It ain't the money.
It's just that
she ought to have
somebody to look
after it for her.
There's a lot of sharpies
in the valley.
Yeah, I know.
The minute they find out
a woman has money,
they put on
ice cream pants,
spray themselves,
and tell everybody
they're going
spear fishing.
Yeah, and--
have a good time,
uncle Joe.
Seed.
[Car engine approaching]
Hello, Mr. Douglas, eb.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Hi, Mr. kimball.
Have I been waiting
to see you!
Hurt yourself?
Oh, uh, no,
i, uh...Uh...
He's been
finger planting.
Finger planting?
Ain't that a kick?
I'm going.
What's finger
planting?
Finger planting,
you know. I, uh--
and then I put a seed in.
Oh! Well, that's one way
of doing it.
Not that I ever
heard of anybody
doing it that way.
But there's no law
against it.
At least,
i don't think
there's any law
against it.
I could check
with the chief.
Mr. kimball--
you know how
the American Indian
used to plant
his crops?
He used
a seeding machine.
Well, it wasn't
really a machine.
It was a--
well, they used to tie
a bunch of squaws
together, and--
well, they weren't
all squaws.
Some of them were
British soldiers
they had captured,
and, uh...
Well, they didn't
capture them.
Some of them--
Mr. kimball.
May I ask you a question?
Why, certainly,
Mr. Douglas.
That's what
I'm here for.
All I want to know
is did you get the report
back on my soil samples?
Soil samples?
I gave them to you
3 weeks ago.
Oh! The 3-week-ago ones.
Yes.
Did you send them in?
Certainly.
And I must say
that yours were packed
nicer than anybody's.
Well, a lot
of the farmers
put their samples
in, uh, old cigar boxes
or paper bags.
But those glass jars...
Heh heh heh.
They certainly
break very easily.
They broke?
Oh, no,
they didn't break.
They just sort of
cracked.
[Glass clatters loudly]
Yes, I guess
they did break.
Why didn't you
tell me before?
Well, it was
out of my hands.
I had to notify the post
office department.
And they sent
an inspector down
to inspect the package,
and, uh, I must admit he
was very nice about it,
and he said
it was broken.
Anybody can tell
it's broken.
Yes, anybody could.
But not officially
until the post office
shook it.
But once they shook it,
they cut right through
the red tape
and said it was broken.
You told me that
unless I get my seeds in
within the next 3 weeks,
I'll miss the whole
planting season.
What do I do now?
Well,
if you get some new
soil samples together,
I'll deliver them
myself.
Well, not myself.
I'll see that
they get there.
Never mind,
I'll take them.
Where is the lab?
The second floor.
Of what?
Oh, the state
university.
Well, it's not really
a university.
The founder money used--
I'll find it.
While you're at the lab,
be sure that
you tell them
about your
finger planting.
They might want to get
a bulletin out on it.
Oh, Mr. Carson.
I just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and thought I'd drop by.
Come in, come in.
Oh. Citronella.
Oh.
You're so dressed up.
Uh, this is
my fishing outfit.
Anybody home?
I am home.
Any unmarried people?
Oh.
I'll get mother.
Oh, uh...
If she's milking a cow
or anything,
don't bother.
She's just
in the kitchen.
Oh, mother,
there is someone
here to see you.
Who in this
horrible place would--
oh.
It's you.
Hi, eunice.
Eunice?
Mr. Carson,
who gave you permission
to call me
by my first name?
I don't remember.
But it couldn't
have been you.
Here. Brought you
some gum drops.
Gum drops?
Yeah, you got gums,
ain't you?
That was very thoughtful
of you, Mr. Carson.
Well, Kate was gonna
throw them away anyway.
Some salesman
left them in his room.
Yuck.
I think I better
leave you 2 alone.
Bye.
Lisa!
Care to sit down?
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Mr. Carson,
don't you usually
remove your hat in the house?
Waiting for
the brilliantine to dry.
Mr. Carson, may I ask
what the purpose
of this visit is?
Well, I figured, you
being stuck out here,
you might like to
mix in a little
with our social life.
I can hardly wait.
I figured you'd play
a little harder to get.
I beg your pardon?
How would like
to play a little poker
at the elk's club
tonight?
The elk's club?
I can get you in.
I'll borrow a tooth.
Really, Mr. Carson,
i am not interested.
That ain't
the whole evening.
Afterwards,
we go bowling.
Then we have a bite
at the diner.
Dutch treat, of course.
I always go Dutch
on the first date.
In case it don't
work out,
I ain't out nothing.
Mr. Carson--
we'll meet in front of
Sam's store at 8:00.
don't forget
your bowling shoes.
Oh!
Lisa!
Oh, hiya,
Mr. Carson.
Mr. Douglas, I'd like to
ask you something.
Yeah, yeah,
no, no, Lisa.
This is very important.
Yeah, what is it?
Is it all right if I take
your mother out tonight?
Take my mother out?
What are you
asking me for?
I--
Lisa!
What is it, darling?
Is it all right if I take
Mrs. Douglas out tonight?
It's all right with me.
Lisa, I, uh--
why shouldn't he?
Mr. Carson is
a very nice man.
Well said, baby.
Mr. Carson,
this is very important.
Now, Lisa,
I've got to drive
up to the state
university
to take these
soil samples.
What happened to
the other ones?
They broke them
they didn't like them.
Oh, no, uh...
Look, I gotta
change.
What time do you want your
mother home, Mr. Douglas?
What time?
I don't care.
I just didn't want
to get started
on the wrong foot, son.
Son?
Come on, darling,
let's change.
Come along.
Just an expression.
Nothing he'll
hold me to.
Mr. Carson,
would you mind leaving?
I'm feeling
a little faint.
Oh. Uh...
Put your head between
your legs and cough.
Not while you're
standing up, of course.
Mr. Carson,
would you please leave?
Now, see what you've done,
you clumsy oaf!
Well, all you gotta do
is put the right dirt
back in
the right bottle.
All I have to do?
And you better not
make a mistake.
Otherwise your son won't
get an accurate report.
Mr. Carson!
I'll see you at 8:00.
Oh, you better
bring your own towel.
Them hand dryers
at the alleys
don't always
work too good.
How do I know which--
so he gets a bad report.
What do i--
oh.
[Giggles]
Oh. Be careful, i--
I'm sorry, professor.
No, I'm not a professor.
Uh, I'm trying to find
the soil lab.
Soil lab.
Yes.
I'm sorry, I'm a business
administration major.
Oh.
Hey, Duke,
where's the soil lab?
What's that?
It's where
they test the soil.
Oh, well, you got me.
I'm majoring
in phys. Ed.
I thought you were
a theater arts major.
No, I changed my major.
Otherwise, I wouldn't
have gotten credit
for those 2 years
of hygiene I took.
Fellows, the soil lab.
Chuck.
Chuck could tell you.
He's an aggie major.
Uh-huh. Now,
where will I find him?
He's in the soil lab.
But where--
never mind.
Douglas, Douglas,
Douglas.
Oh, yes, kimball
called me about you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Eh, you're the man who--
oh, yes, well, I thought
I'd gain a little time.
You didn't break it,
did you?
A little sore,
but it's, uh--
Mr. Webster,
about my soil samples.
You know,
I'm new to farming.
I was a New York attorney.
And some of my friends thought
that I was out of my mind
to give up
a successful practice
and move out of a penthouse
to devote my life to farming.
Well, I can understand
how they--
no, Mr. Webster.
Now, let me tell you.
They are the ones who are
out of their minds...
Living in a dirty city,
pushing and shoving,
trying to survive.
When a man can have
a little piece of land
and till it...
Bring little green
things to life...
Nourish them into maturity...
Harvest them...
And then bring them
to the marketplace,
knowing that he's making
an important contribution
to the lifeblood
of our economy...
You can...
Still go back
to your law practice,
can't you?
Yes, I could,
but I don't want to do that.
No, I want to be a farmer.
Well, kimball said
you were a...
[Laughs]
But then, he's
no psychiatrist!
So, now, Mr. Douglas,
I know you're anxious
about these samples.
I'll put them through
for you right away.
Darling...
How did it go?
Go and pack.
Pack?
Everything.
Clothing, furniture...
We're going
back to New York.
Going back to New York?
Wait till I tell mother.
Why are we going
back to New York?
That's what you want,
isn't it?
Of course
that's what I want,
but--but you
don't want it.
And if you don't want
it, I don't want it,
because I want what
you don't want.
Lisa, go and pack.
Not until
you tell me why.
You know, this--
this soil...
Has got...
Well, it hasn't really...
Well, they--they
told me that it had...
Well, that's not possible.
I'm not gonna
talk about this.
Go on, pack.
Where are you going?
I'm going in
to drucker's,
and I'm gonna call
New York,
see if we can get our
penthouse back, and...
See about putting
the farm up for sale.
I'll be back later.
Now, uh, when will my ad
run, Mr. drucker?
In this week's edition.
Only I don't think you're
gonna get too many offers
once the word gets around
about the condition
of your soil.
No, I suppose not.
Of course, we'll miss you
and Mrs. Douglas.
People around here were
just getting used to you.
Thank you.
Of course, they haven't
got used to your mother yet.
Neither have I.
Oh, say,
that reminds me.
She sent me a list
of some things she needs.
You mind taking
them with you?
No.
Uh, what did I do
with that list?
Oh, there you are,
Mr. Douglas.
I've been looking
for you.
Oh, hi, Mr. kimball.
I suppose you heard
about the soil reports.
Heard about it?
The state university
has been burning up
the wires.
Well, they didn't
actually burn.
They called Washington.
Washington?
The city, not the man.
[Chuckles]
Oh, I mean,
he's been, uh--
you probably
read about that.
Well, anyway,
they, uh...
They were going
to call in
the secretary
of agriculture,
but, uh, they thought
it might create
a national crisis.
Well, not
a national crisis.
It's not as bad as
the Japanese beetles,
or anything like that.
Found your mother's list.
Uh, good.
Mr. kimball...
Why did my soil test
cause all this furor?
Well, it wasn't
the soil.
It's what they found
in it.
I mean, there was, uh...
38% bath powder--
bath powder?
Large can of bath powder...
28%, uh...
Hand lotion.
Bottle of hand lotion...
There was, uh,
14% toothpaste.
Small toothpaste...
12.5% cold cream...
Jar of cold cream...
And 8%--
wait, wait, hold it.
What's next
on that list?
Nail Polish remover.
8% nail Polish
remover.
Mother.
But, Oliver, I only
did it for you!
To get you to
see the light!
To get you out of this
house of horrors!
Mother, this is worse
than what you did
to dad!
Painting pink elephants
on his bedroom wall
so he'd--
well, it worked!
Well, this didn't.
I'll get my bags
and go back to New York.
Oh, now...
You don't have
to do that.
Oh, Oliver,
you're such
an understanding son.
Not like your father.
He wouldn't speak to me
for 3 years
after those elephants.
Of course he--
where is Lisa?
I've gotta tell her
the good news.
She's out in the fields.
Lisa!
Do you know what mother--
look.
What's that?
What you planted.
This morning?
You see,
the soil is good.
They made a mistake
with the report.
Come on!
Lisa! Aren't--
darling...
We don't have to go
back to New York.
This is a good farm,
and you are
a wonderful farmer!
This morning you planted
the little seeds,
and eb watered them,
and the sun came
down on them
and bathed them,
and--and look.
A carrot.
Isn't mother nature
wonderful?
Oh, yes.
She certainly is.
This is where
i planted tomatoes.
Well, perhaps it's
a long, thin tomato.
No.
Well, perhaps you made a
mistake with the seeds.
No.
Lisa...
You're wonderful.
Now...
Where did you
get the carrots?
I rented them
from Mr. haney.
All right,
let's take them back.
I wouldn't even attempt
to explain it.
Why do you
have to do that?
Mr. haney
won't take them back
if they are dirty.
[Laughing]
Oh, sweetheart.
You're a paradox.
So are you.
Whatever that is.
Well, I mean, I know you
want to go back to New York,
and yet today you planted
these carrots
so that I'd stay. Now--
now, why did you do that?
I wasn't thinking.
My mother...
You know, you were
very cruel to her.
Well, she had it coming.
Well, you shouldn't have
done what you did.
No, she deserved
everything she got.
Oh, what a night.
How many more times
do I have to go out
with that uncouth
Carson character?
Oh, no!
Didn't you have
a good time?
It was horrible!
I lost $3.20
at poker.
And my bill at
the diner was $1.80.
And...
Could you help me
get this
off my hand?
[Thunk]
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