Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 6 - Furniture, Furniture, Who's Got the Furniture? - full transcript

Oliver & Lisa finally get their furniture delivered from New York but it's sent to the "New" Haney place.

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪



♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

you want me
to cover up

this lumber,
Mr. Douglas?

What for?

It makes the rest
of the house

look worse than
it is.

If that's possible.



That's funny.
Give me a hand here,

will you?
Yes, sir.

You're really going

to rebuild
this house?

Yep. That's why I'm
pulling this stump out.

I'm gonna extend the house
out about this far.

[Rumbling]

[Tractor grinding]

[Grinding]

Give her full power,
Mr. Douglas.

I am!

[Tractor rattling]

[Rattling]

[Engine hissing]

Go ahead and say it,
Mr. Douglas.

That won't be
necessary.

I'm perfectly capable
of controlling my--

[clank]
Ooh! You dirty--

what happened?

Ooh! I was trying
to pull this stump out.

I got the tractor going
and rope tight and like--

well, why didn't you
do it that way

instead of ruining
the tractor?

Oh, wait till I see
that haney.

[Brakes squeal]

Well. Morning, Mr. Douglas.
Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. haney.

Look at
that tractor.

Well, what's
the matter with it?

[Whispering]
What's the matter?

It came apart
while I was trying

to pull up that
little tree stump!

Well, you got it up,
didn't you?

I pulled it up
by hand!

Well, you should have
done it that way

before you ruined
the tractor.

Well, that's what
i said.

I know what you said.

But he said
the same thing.

I don't care
who said it!

Mr. haney, you sold me
a defective tractor!

No, sir. It's not
a defective.

It's a
hoyt clagwell.

Yeah, a defective has
bigger wheels in the front.

Eb!

Isn't there anything
you got to do?

No, sir.

Then do it!

Mr. haney.

That tractor is
the last thing

you are ever
going to sell me.

Yeah, but--

I don't even want
to talk to you!

Oh, Mrs. Douglas.
I'm sorry this had

to happen in front
of you.

Such a beautiful
and delicate lady.

Why, thank you.

Doggone, you're prettier
than a little red wagon

going up
a steep hill.

Oh, please, Seth.
don't--

what's that mean?

Huh?

That thing about
a little red wagon

going up a steep hill.
What does that mean?

I don't know.

It's just one
of them things

that you city folks

expect us country
folks to say.

Oh, Mrs. Douglas.

Ever time I see you,

it reminds me
of a speckled hen

setting under--

oh, come on!

Eh, eh, eh.

A speckled hen
sitting under what?

A little green
wagon.

Ohh. Isn't
that charming?

That doesn't make
any more sense

than a little red wagon
going down a steep hill.

Up the hill.

If you're
gonna say 'em,

say 'em right
or everbody'll

know you're
from the city.

Mrs. Douglas, I've
got your wallpaper

on the truck.

But we didn't order
any wallpaper

from you,
Mr. haney.

You will when you
see what I've got.

We don't want
to see it.

Oh, but, darling,
we need some wallpaper,

and it doesn't hurt
to look.

Mrs. Douglas,

you're as thoughty
as a bluebird flying

over a tumbledown
yeller barn.

Ohh.

All right. We'll look
at your wallpaper.

And this patter is
called winter's dream.

Winter's dream?

Yeah. That's
the kind of thing

you dream about
during the winter.

It might be
the kind of thing

you dream about,
not me.

Oh, i--I'm afraid
i don't like this.

Well...

How about camels
at the water hole?

No. I don't
like this, either.

I have to agree
with you.

I like the water hole,

but the camels don't
do anything for me.

How about doctor's
waiting room?

No.

It's real practical.

You can sit anywhere
in the room

and test your own eyes.

There's nothing
wrong with my eyes.

Well, then
i can't understand

why you don't like
winter's dream.

Now, ain't that a pretty
pattern, Mrs. Douglas?

That's the one
we got on there now.

I don't like it.

Oh, I'm afraid,
Mr. haney,

you haven't got anything
that appeals to us.

Well, you don't have
to make any snap judgment.

Leave 'em up a week.

Live with them.

You might learn
to like one of 'em.

I doubt it.

Well, like
they say,

learning
to like wallpaper

is like pushing
a purple straw hat

through a keyhole.

Pushing a purple
straw hat through a--

don't try
to figure it out.

Ha ha ha.

[Chugging]

We're pulling into
hooterville, Mrs. Douglas.

That's the best news I've
had since we left pixley.

[Squealing]

[Wheels grinding]

Hooterville!

All ashore
that's going ashore!

Mrs. Douglas,
where are you?

I'm right here.

Mrs. Douglas,

passengers
are not allowed

in the baggage
compartment.

They shouldn't
be allowed anywhere else

in this train, either.

It's a menace
to life and limb!

Enjoyed your train ride,
Mrs. Douglas?

Train?

How dare you call this
liver shaker a train?

Need a hand?

Keep your grimy hands
to yourself.

Visiting
your son?

Yes.

I sent him a wire
to meet me here.

I wonder where
he is.

He's a nice
fella.

Folks around
here

sure like him.

Then why did they let him
buy that horrible farm?

The haney place?

Ohh, it's not so bad.

Is there someplace
i can get a taxi?

Yes, ma'am.
Where?

In pixley.

Would you like
to ride back with us?

I wouldn't get back
on that horrible thing

for all the money
in the world.

Where's hooterville?

Right there behind
that billboard.

That!

All right, Floyd.
Best get rolling.

Nice having you
aboard, ma'am.

[Tooting]

[Chugging]

[Tooting]

Help!

Good morning.

Good morning,
Mr. drucker.

Sam: Well, good morning,
Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

Doggone, you look
as pretty as a green wagon

going up a steep hill.

Red wagon.

Oh, I always said green.

No, the green wagon is
where the pickled hen

is sitting under.

No. That's
speckled hen.

Yeah, but she's not sitting
under a green wagon.

She's hopping up and down
on a hot silo.

Speckled hen--

could I get
some information?

Well, quick as a
slow rabbit chasing a--

please, please.

Oh, sure.

Uh, Mr. drucker.

Do you have
some wallpapers?

Oh, I got a
sample book right here.

And, now, what'd
you want to know?

How can I get
my tractor fixed?

What kind is it?

Hoyt clagwell.

Heh heh.

Heh heh.

Oh, oh, excuse me.

I haven't heard
that name in 40 years,

since hoyt busted up
with clagwell.

You see, Mrs. clagwell couldn't
get along with Mrs. hoyt.

So the 2 fellers--

i--look, I just want
to get some parts

for my tractor.

I don't want
the family history.

Look, darling.

Winter's dream.
Oh.

Oh, no. No.

That's paradise lost.

This here is
winter's dream.

No, no.

That is camels
at the water hole.

Hey, what's
this?

Oh, this is
an eye chart.

I use this for
giving driving tests.

Mr. haney called this
doctor's waiting room.

Haney.

Has he been trying
to sell you this wallpaper?

Yes.

Well, doggone him.

I've got the exclusive
selling rights

on this line
in the valley.

Mr. drucker, about
my hoyt clagwell.

Oh, yeah.

When Mr. hoyt busted up
with Mr. clagwell

on account of their wives
couldn't get along--

I just want to know

where I can
get it fixed!

Well, that's what
I'm trying to tell you.

After hoyt and clagwell
split up

because their wives
couldn't get along,

hoyt went into
the wax fruit business.

He made the realest looking
persimmons you've ever seen

and clagwell--
Mr. drucker,

where can I get
my tractor fixed?

Darling, if you
stopped interrupting

Mr. drucker,
he'll tell you.

Thank you.

Like I said, hoyt went
into the wax fruit business

and clagwell went over
to the county seat.

I got one of his cards
here somewheres.

Whoo.

Oh, sue Ann bedlington.

If you ever need a good
blacksmith, she's great.

There's a coincidence.
Tony Webster.

He used to do all of hoyt's
persimmon paintings.

Hey, how 'bout this?

Here's a letter for you
and Mrs. Douglas.

Oliver: Oh, uh,
may we have it?

Ooh. Just a second.

I like to keep
things official.

Thank you.

Oh, darling,
it's from mother.

Why didn't you
deliver this?

Is that an
official inquiry?

Yes.

Well, sir, this
is a class d1 post office,

and that means
it's part post office

and part general store.

And a class d1 don't have

to deliver mail
or groceries.

Any other questions?

No, no.

Oliver, mother sent
our furniture.

When is it supposed
to get here?

Wednesday.

That's today.

Well, shouldn't we
be home when it arrives?

Darling, do you
realize

what you just said?

You said shouldn't
we be home?

That's the first
time you've called

our place home since
we've been here.

Did I say that?

Yes, you did.
Say it again.

Let's go home.

Oh, doggone it.

You two remind me of a pair
of lovesick cuckoos

flying over a load
of Monday wash.

Hello?

Hello, operator.

I want the haney place.

I want to talk to--ohh!

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

Why aren't you here
at the station to meet me?

Didn't you get my telegram?

Uh, who is that?

It's mother!

Ma?

Well, sure don't
sound like you, ma.

Well, it doesn't sound
like you, either.

Who is this?

Who is this?

I want to speak
to Oliver Douglas.

Oh, well,
he don't live here.

Well, isn't this
the haney place?

That's right.

Well, where is Oliver?

Uh, he's
at the haney place.

But I thought you just said
this was the haney place.

Well, this is
the new haney place.

Now, what you want is
the old haney place.

You see, I used to live
at the old haney place,

but I sold it
to your son.

Oh, you worthless, no-good...

[Mother yelling]

It's been nice talking
to you, too.

Hello.

Hello, operator.

You gave me the wrong number.

I want the old haney place.

They don't have a phone?

[Humming softly]

Excuse me. Could i
get at the phone?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just a moment.

I believe
that's my dime.

Can you identify it?

Well, no.

You've got to have
a stronger case than that.

You one of them
lady drummers?

Am I a what?

Lady traveling salesman.

No. I am not.

Ah, I guess you're
a little too old

for that sort of thing.

I beg your pardon!

Oh, that's all right.

Just a second.

I wonder if you
could help me?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'm trying to get
to the haney place.

Old one or the new one?

The old one.

Oh, that's the one
that the douglases

got suckered
into buying.

You know,
she's real nice.

He's kind of strange.

He is my son.

Oh, well, I guess
that accounts for it.

Uh, can i
give you a lift?

Oh, that
would be wonderful!

I got a car right
around the corner, here.

Oh, uh,
what about my bags?

Oh, uh...

I wouldn't leave
them there.

The couch goes
in the kitchen.

And the refrigerator
goes right here.

No, darling.

We're not putting
the couch in the kitchen.

It goes in here.

And the refrigerator
goes in the kitchen.

And the dishwasher?

Yes.

Well.

Got the whole thing
solved.

We're going to put the
stove in the bedroom.

Everything is going
to fit perfectly.

It's going
to be beautiful.

If it ever gets here.

It will.

It's getting late.
I wonder where it is?

Furniture for me?

Well, this is
the haney place, isn't it?

That's right.

Well, the lady that sent it
said to be sure

to tell you good luck.

Well, wasn't that
nice of her.

Is it all paid for?

Oh, sure.

No charges?

Nope.

Bring it in.

Well, I wonder
which one

of my feminine admirers
sent me this?

What are you
stopping for?

To get my breath.

When you said car, I thought
you meant automobile.

If I'd a had an automobile,
I'd a said automobile.

Keep pumping.

Why do I have to pump?

Somebody has to steer.

Why can't I steer?

You got a handcar license?

No. Of course not.

Keep pumping.

Good morning,
Mr. drucker.

Oh, morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Did your furniture
get here yet?

No. Not yet.
My wife is all upset.

I want to call
my mother in New York

and find out exactly
when they promised

to deliver it.

Could I use your phone?

I-i really don't think
you ought to do that.

Oh, I intend to pay you.

Oh, it isn't that,
Mr. Douglas.

It's just that I better
put the call through for you.

Any long distance call
farther than pixley,

and Sarah goes
all to pieces.

Uh-huh.

Hello, uh, Sarah?

Sam. Are you
sitting down?

Well, you better.

Now, get a firm grip
on your plugs.

I got a long distance call
to New York.

Hello?

Sarah?

She'll come to
in a minute.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, pardon me, mack,

is there a good
mechanic around here?

Mechanic? Uh, well,
i really don't know.

Ask Mr. drucker, here.

My moving Van
broke down.

It's a lucky thing
it happened

after we delivered
the furniture.

The furniture?

Yeah. We brought a load
out from New York.

New York!

Was there
a leopard-skin couch

and a glass table
with red chairs?

Yeah. That's the stuff.

Ah, at last!

[Laughs]

Hello. Sarah?

You better cancel
that New York call.

No, no, now, don't cry.

He'll make
another one someday.

For crying out loud.

Lisa, open the door.

Right away.

How does it look?
Does it fit?

Where is it?

Where is what?

The furniture!

Well, where is it?

It's here!
Where?

Well, I just talked
to the moving man

at Mr. drucker's store.
He said he delivered it.

[Knocking]

Who is this?

You looking
for this?

No, I got--

I just dropped by.

I wondered if you
made any decisions

about
the wallpaper.

We're not interested
in wallpaper.

We're interested
in furniture.

Mr. Douglas,
this is your lucky day.

I got some furniture that was
just made for this place.

An unknown lady friend
sent it to me.

I told you I am
not going to buy

anything else from you.

It's a shame.
It fits beautifully.

No.

Nice, leopard-skin couch,
red velvet chairs, glass table.

don't you understand
simple English?

I don't want
a leopard-skin couch

and red velvet chairs
and a glass table and--

that's our furniture!

Yours?

Yes. How did
you get it?

Well, this fella
come to the door and--

I don't care how
you got it, I want it.

Well, I don't want
to keep anything

that don't rightly
belong to me.

Just send your truck
over for it and you can--

I haven't got a truck!

Oh?

I got a truck.

Let's see. It'll take
about 4 trips at $6 a trip.

Plus storage charges.

Get it!

Hold it. This is
as far as we go.

Get off here.

[Groans]

Well, you might
give me a hand.

Oh.

And remember, you take
the path straight across--

Mr. Carson, I have been
on African safaris,

mountain climbing trips
in Switzerland,

and I have floated
down the Amazon.

Yeah. But you ain't crossed
newt Kiley's pasture

with a mad bull
chasing you.

Now, remember,
you bear to the right

till you come
to the forest.

Thank you. You've been
a perfect gentleman.

Yeah. So have you.

Oh!

Here's the first load,
Mr. Douglas.

Lisa! Our furniture's here!

I'm sorry this happened.

Oh, I'll bet you are.

Well, it was
an honest mistake.

These fellas got
the new haney place

and the old haney place
mixed up.

Second time
it happened today.

You mean you got
something else meant for me?

Uh, just a phone call
from your mother.

My mother!

Yeah. She called
this morning

from the hooterville
station.

Well, what did she say?

I wouldn't care
to repeat it.

Why didn't you
tell me that this morning?

Well, I was busy.

These fellas was moving
furniture into my house.

Darling, did you know
that mother was coming?

No.

She should have sent
a telegram or something.

The poor darling.

She must have been sitting
at the station all day.

Uh, you want me
to go get her?

It'll only cost you
75 cents.

No.

Lisa, you go
and pick up mother.

Get eb to drive you.

I'll help Mr. haney
unload the furniture.

Mother!

Did you find her?

No.

Mrs. mother!

Mrs. mother!

She isn't here.

No.

Strange. I wonder
where she could be?

[Bull bellows]

Now, see here.

don't you think
you can intimidate me.

Go on! Scat!

[Bull bellows]

Where's mother?

I don't know.

We looked
all over hootersville

and we
couldn't find her.

Oh.

Well, if I know my mother,

she probably
got back on the train

and went back to New York.

Darling, don't you think
we should look for her?

Oh, no.
don't worry about mother.

She knows how
to take care of herself.

Come on. I want
to show you something.

I put all the furniture in.

You have?
Yeah.

Close your eyes.

All right.
Open your eyes.

Open your eyes!

It looks better
with them closed.

Well, it's not perfect.

It needs
a little rearranging.

Oliver,
don't you think--

the kitchen. Wait till
you see the kitchen.

Well?

What do you think?

If I tell you,
you'll only get mad.

I just stuck
everything around, you know.

Just to give you an idea
of what it's going to look like.

It gave me an idea.

Let's go back
to New York.

Now, Lisa.

What is
this doing here?

Oh.

Well, I thought,
in case you got tired cooking,

you might like
to lie down.

This goes
into the bedroom.

The bedroom?

I almost forgot.
Come on. Come on.

Wait till you see this.

This will make you
feel better.

No more sleeping
on Mr. haney's cots.

How about this?

Oh, there's
plenty of room!

Well, how do I get
to my dresses?

Follow me.

If you please.

Here they are.

Easy. Eh?

Where are my trunks?

In the bathroom.

But where are the clothes
which were in it?

In the closet.

How do I get them out?

Open
the closet door.

Aah!

Oliver!

Oh, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.

Did I, uh--

[bull bellows]

What was that?

Eb!

Yes, sir.

What's that racket?

Oh, that's
newt Kiley's bull.

Sounds like he
found himself

a new girlfriend.

You go away,
you nasty beast,

or I'll give your name
to my butcher!

[Bellows]

Lisa, do you know
what that bull is saying

to his girlfriend?

[Bellows]

No. What?

He's saying, "you're as pretty
as a little steep wagon

going down a red hill
pushing a purple speckled hen

through a load of wash."

That doesn't make
any sense.

Love never does.

Moo!

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment