Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Best Laid Plans - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Honey, what's
taking so long?

Darling, you'll be all
alone with no one

to take care of you
while I'm in New York,

so I made up your bed.

We've only
been here 3 weeks,

and I already know
how to make a bed.



Oh, I'm proud of you,

but the pillow usually goes
at the head of the bed.

But, darling, those are
your pajamas and your shoes.

What's this?

Oh, mignon,

I told you not
to sit on the bed

while I'm doing it.

Come on, we got to get you
to the hooterville station.

So that eb and i--

so that eb and I can
get back and get to work...

Getting
the farm started.

Shouldn't you do a little
work on the house first?

I've got a lot
of planning to do

about the farm.
When you get back

from New York,
you can do whatever

you want with the house.

You don't really
mean that.

I do.

2 more, eb.
2 more?

Ms. Douglas, you got enough
stuff here to go to Europe.

Europe?! Darling,
why don't we go?

No, no, no.

You're just going
to New York

for one week
to pack up

our furniture.
Now get in the car.

But, darling,
i forgot my handbag.

Where is it?
In the house.

Where?

Oh, I remember now.
It's the second

or third lump towards
the bottom of my bed.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm going to miss you,
too, darling,

but the month
will go by fast.

A week!
That's what I said.

A month will go by
like a week.

Would you like
a traveling companion

to go to New York
with you, Ms. Douglas?

Eb, will you put
the bags on the train?

Yes, sir.

Darling, just
tell me once more

how I get there.

It's very simple.

You take the train
to pixley. Hmm?

And at pixley, you take
a cab to the bus depot.

At the bus depot, you take
a bus to the county seat.

At the county seat, you take
a jitney to the airport.

Got it?

Everything.
Uh-huh.

Except what happens
after pixley?

Ask somebody.

Oh, what airline
am I flying on?

Trans-consolidated.

Is it a good plane?

The best.

Be sure they give you
goggles and a helmet.

Those open-cockpit jobs
are kinda windy.

Eb, put the bags
on the train.

It's a regular airline.

They have a hostess
and everything.

Get her to show you how
to shoot the machine guns

through the propeller.

I don't think i
want to fly on--

pay no attention to him.

[Train whistle blows]

Good-bye, darling.

Bye, darling.
Good-bye.

Good-bye. I'm going
to miss you.

Good-bye, Mr. Douglas.

Eb, get off the train!

Eb...

This may not mean
anything to you,

but this is the biggest
day of my life.

You mean 'cause
your wife left you?

She didn't leave me.

No. Today's the day
we start plowing,

planting, and cultivating.

We gonna do
all that today?

We're gonna get started.

Ok. What do you
want to plant?

Look, you just don't
go out in the fields

and scatter around
a handful of seeds.

You gotta plan what
you're gonna plant.

Mr. haney never did.
Yes.

Did Mr. haney ever make
any money on this farm?

Not until you came along
and bought it.

[Clears throat]

"Planning the farm
for profit and stability."

Has it got any pictures?

"On the farm,

"planning involves taking
stock of the resources

"and utilizing them to obtain
the largest possible income

from the existing land."

I got a suggestion.

What's that?

Make a drive-in movie
out of it.

Eb, there's a lot
of money in farming

if you plant
the right crops.

There's a lot
of money in drive-ins

if you show
the right movies.

Eb.

Like them beach girl
pictures with bikinis.

Eb, will you please
let me read this?

Now, "taking stock
of land resources.

The farmer should
first ascertain--"

what to plant?

No, no, no. This doesn't
tell you what to plant.

It tells you how to
determine what to plant.

How do you determine
what to plant,

so you know
what to plant.

It says, "a good starting
place is to find out

what crops your neighbors
are growing successfully."

Now, that's a good idea.

Let's go and talk
to Ben Miller.

It's your time. We can
waste it any way you want.

Oliver: Mr. Miller.

Mind if I sit here
and play the radio?

Help yourself.

Douglas, I was gonna come
over and visit you later.

I want you to know
how sorry I am.

Sorry?
About your wife.

I heard she left you.

Women are
the strangest--

my wife didn't leave me.

I'm glad to hear that.

She just went to New York
to get our furniture

shipped out here.

Oh, then you're
gonna stay?

Of course. Why do you
think I bought this farm?

I heard you was gonna
build a drive-in movie.

Eb, that's not the radio.

Mr. Miller, no matter
what you heard,

I intend to farm this place.

This has been the one
dream of my life

to own a farm,
to work it,

grow things.

Well, have you ever
done any farming?

Yes, I have.
In New York.

I hear they have
some pretty nice farms

in upstate New York.

Well, you see, this
isn't upstate New York.

This is more like
upstairs New York.

I had my farm on my terrace
of my penthouse.

Penthouse?

Well, it's a place
where I live.

Sort of the, uh,
top of the building.

Oh, the attic.

No, not the attic.
It--it, uh--

Mr. Miller, I came here
to ask your advice.

Mr. Douglas, I make
it a point never to mix

in family squabbles.

Now, if your wife
left you, she must--

my wife didn't leave me.

Good.

I just wanted to ask you what
you think I ought to plant.

Well, now, let's see.

You ought to get
that fence fixed.

Doesn't this belong
to both of us?

Yeah, but it's broken
on your side.

What do you think
you'd like to grow?

Alfalfa seems to grow
pretty well there.

That ain't alfalfa.

Mr. haney said it was.

It ain't.
What is it?

Well, uh--eb, what kind
of weeds are these?

I don't know, but Mr. haney's
got 'em planted all over.

One thing you're
gonna have to do

is run a plow
through all this stuff.

You got a tractor?
Oh, yes.

Mr. haney threw one in
with the farm.

Haney?

Well, I'll give you
the address of a place

where you can rent one.

Smells good, doesn't it?

Needs liming.

Oh, well,

I guess we can do that.

Can't we?

You got a lime spreader?

Have we got
a lime spreader, eb?

Eb: No, but we got
a automatic irrigator.

The radio is the one
in the middle.

No, we don't have
a lime spreader.

I'll lend you mine.

But I suggest
you get in touch

with a county agent,

let him tell you
what you ought to do.

Anything he suggests,

I'll be glad
to help you with.

Mr. Miller, may i
shake your hand?

What for?

You're proving when
I've always said

that farmers are
helpful and friendly.

Well, I, uh--

not like city people,
you know.

Oh, they're always pushing
you and shoving you.

don't care whether
you live or die.

Well, I gotta
get back to the--

but farm people, they care
about their neighbors.

It isn't what a man has,
it's what he is.

That's why
the farmer's always been

the strength of our nation.
The backbone of our economy.

Why, if you go back to
the American revolution,

you'll find--

Mr. Miller?

Bye.
So long, Mr. Miller.

And let me thank you again
for all that you've done.

You've restored
my faith in--

[lively music playing]

I found the radio.

[Explosion]

Doggone, Mr. Douglas,
i think it likes you.

It used to chase
Mr. haney.

No wonder he threw it in
on the deal.

Do you think
we can fix it?

[Explosion]

You might, if you can
get close enough to it.

Ah, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney,
about this tractor--

I'm sorry to hear
the bad news.

What bad news?

About your wife
runnin' off and leavin' you.

My wife
did not leave me.

Now, look at
the bright side.

Now you'll just have to pay me
rent on one of them cots.

You don't understand.

I'm chargin' you
a dollar a night

for 2 cots.

We'll split it in half.

75 cents for one.

I will need both cots.
My wife is coming back.

I'm glad to hear
you worked things out.

Well, if there's
anything else you need...

No, nothing.
Just this tractor, now--

oh, boy, it's sure
a hot day, isn't it?

Ohh, you wouldn't have
a nice, cold glass

of milk around, would you?

Oh, I forgot.

You don't even
have a cow, do you?

No. And I'm not
gonna buy that one.

[Moos]

What one?

Oh, that one.

I just brought Eleanor
over to visit.

Ah.

Yeah, she was born
right in that barn.

Growed up here.

Her ma was laid to rest

up on that hill.

You're breaking
my heart.

Glad to hear you're
a man with feelings.

It's pitiful.

I have to keep her
tethered all the time,

so she won't
jump over the fence

and come back here.

Just look at her.

A-tryin' to bust out,

so she can get back
to her old barn.

She doesn't look
like she's trying

to break out to me.

She's the kind of cow
that keeps it all in here.

How much?
For what?

For the cow.

Did I mention money?

No.

Then I guess I better.

$200!

And I'm not underpricing her
just so she'll be happy.

I'm not paying $200
for the cow's happiness.

Well, all right.

I just hope that
she don't bust out

and come over here
botherin' you.

Sorry, Eleanor,

but you won't
be comin' home.

I guess this is
the wrong time for us

to bother Mr. Douglas
with our problems.

He's got his own grief, what
with his wife leavin' him.

For the last time,

my wife did not
leave me.

She just went
to New York for a week.

A week?!

Lisa, you are never
going back there.

I won't let you.

Darling, I promised Oliver

I'm going to try it
for 6 months,

and I'm going to.

I just came back
to ship our furnitures

to green acres.

Green acres?
Mm-hmm.

You mean yuck manor.

Oh, how could he
take a beautiful,

fragile creature
like you

out of this
magnificent penthouse

and drag you to that
house of horror

in hooterville?

Oh, I did it
on my own free will.

Well, then, he must
have put something

in your Martini.

Lisa, I warned you
about marrying Oliver.

That day at the wedding
when the minister said,

"if anyone knows any reason
why these two should not

be joined in marriage,"

I was sorely tempted
to stand up and tell him.

But then I thought it
would be rather poor taste

for a mother to say anything
nasty about her own son.

I never regretted
marrying Oliver.

Would you like
some coffee, dear?

I'd love it.

Where are you going?

To make it.

You make
your own coffee?

What has Oliver
done to you?

Darling, there's really
nothing to it.

You put some coffee
in the pot,

you go to the pump
and pump some water,

you put some wood into
the oven and light it,

and there you
have coffee.

Smelling salts.

Why, one night,
i even made supper.

Supper?
Uh-huh.

Now he even has you
talking like a hillbilly.

Oh, you poor child.

Oh, darling,
it won't be so bad.

It gives me a feeling
of usefulness.

I am sure there
must be other women

who cook
for their husbands.

Nobody I know.

Oh, come on, now.

Lisa, I've got
a wonderful idea.

Why don't we go to
Henri's for cocktails,

and then rochambeau
for dinner,

and there's a new play--

darling, I came
to pack up our things.

I must call
a moving company to--

Lisa, are you really
serious about that farm?

It won't be so bad
after all our things arrive.

We're going to have the whole
place completely remodeled.

Ooh. Well, who's
going to do it?

I don't know. I haven't
thought about it.

Rodney weatherby.
Who?

He's the man who did our
house at sands point.

Why, he's marvelous.

Oh, he's the best.

Oh, I'm sure
he must be busy.

Oh, well, whatever
he's doing,

I'll just tell him
to drop it.

This is much more
important.

Soon as I finish this,

I'm gonna sketch out
a plan of the farm.

Aren't you gonna wait
for the county agent?

Yeah. But I want
to be able to give him

some idea of what
i want to do.

When you get this fixed,

are you gonna hitch
the plow to it?

What plow?

The one you're gonna
buy from Mr. haney.

I am not buying anything
else from Mr. haney.

I thought sure he'd
sell you that cow.

Yeah, he knows
I'm getting on to him.

Of all the phony
stories, a homesick cow

that tries to break away
and come back here.

You know what
to do, Eleanor.

When you see Mr. Douglas,
be sure you look sad.

Try to cry a little.
[Moos]

Sadder.

[Moos]

That does it.

That's pretty good,
Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney could never
get that wheel to stay on.

Or that one, either.

Leave it there!

I want to get to work--

[moos]
Cut it out!

Where did she come from?

Guess.

Mr. Douglas,
have you seen--

oh, there you are.

Now, how did you get
out of that truck?

I wonder.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,
i told you.

I just can't keep
her away from here.

Look at that
happy expression

on her face.
She's back home.

Mr. Douglas, you just
can't turn her away.

Mr. Douglas,
forget the $200.

Eleanor's peace
of mind comes first.

You can have her
with my blessing.

And $100.

Well, thank you for
the blessing, but no sale.

I'll tell you what.

I'll leave her here
on consignment.

Now, you milk her
for a few days,

and if you don't
like her,

just send her back.

And pay me
for the milk.

Now, is that
a fair deal?

Mr. haney, I do not
want that cow.

You need a plow?

No!

Come on.

Now, if you run away
one more time,

I'm gonna give you
to Mr. Douglas.

don't you believe it,
Eleanor.

Maybe you shoulda
bought her.

Ms. Douglas mighta enjoyed
having another woman around

to talk to.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, but I don't think
I'll be able to do it.

I've been commissioned
to do the barton towers.

Oh, put it aside.

I'll speak
to Larry barton.

He has enough towers
already.

I'd like to help you,
eunice, but--

oh, Mr. weatherby,

it won't take you
any time at all.

Take a pencil
and make a drawing.

Just something simple,
like what you did

with the Cartwright's
farm in Darien.

Have you got a picture
of the house

the way it looks now?
Do I?

I can't
get rid of it.

Then you describe it,
and I'll sketch it.

Let me see.

Now, there's a porch
in front of the house.

Eb: How big a piece of paper
you need, Mr. Douglas?

Big enough to draw
a plan of the farm.

You pull that
off the wall?

You won't notice it,

when you see
what was underneath.

I'm gonna draw
an outline of the farm.

And the type of crops
to be planted in each field,

just like
the pamphlet says.

Now, there's the north
boundary, right?

You left out
the tree stumps,

the big Boulder,
and the swamp.

I am just interested
in the boundary.

Now, if my memory's correct,

the east boundary
goes off at an angle.

There must be some mistake.

There is. In person,
it is much worse.

What do you expect me
to do with this?

Just turn it into
something simple

like this.
Oh, eunice,

that's the bragwell heights
country club.

Lisa: Why, that
would be fine.

Just make it
a little bit bigger.

Now, here's the house.

And here's the barn.
How's that look?

You aren't
any grandma Moses.

Why don't you wait
till you get together

with the county agent?

No, I just want to get an
idea of what it looks like.

Now, I got 160 acres...

160 acres?

Well, that's quite a bit
of land to work with.

Use as much as you need.

All we'll need is...

At the most, about 2 acres
for the house and garden.

Take 3.
don't cramp yourself.

Where's the swimming
pool going to go?

How about here?

Oh, it should be as near
as possible to the pump.

Pump?
For the water.

That's the way
you'll get the water?

No, Oliver will have
to carry it in buckets.

You can't carry--

don't worry
about it.

We'll fly
the water in.

Put the swimming
pool over there.

Tomatoes will go in here.

They oughta be
closer to the pump.

Tomato hoeing's
thirsty work.

Take a canteen.

Over here,
I'm gonna put in corn.

This would be
a good place

for a tennis court.

Where are you going
to play croquet?

Uh, over here.

No, no, no. That's where
you want to put

the putting green,
remember?

This would be
fine for croquet.

Sugar beets.

That's where Mr. haney
used to play croquet.

This is a farm,
not a country club.

Sugar beets
will go in here.

I don't see why you
have to go back there

for Oliver's approval.

Darling, I can't go
ahead with the plans

without talking to him.

Why? I never
talk to his father.

When I redid our house
at sand's point,

he never would have
known a thing about it,

if he hadn't happened
to come home one night.

Darling, don't worry
about Oliver.

I know how
to handle him.

Now, what about
your furniture?

Oh, mother, could you
have it packed

and send it on to us?

Well...
Oh, please.

Oh, all right.

But somehow I feel
as though I'm helping

send you to devil's island.

Boy, oh boy,
have I missed you.

Darling.
Oh, ho.

I've only
been gone 3 days.

Yeah, why didn't you let
me know you were coming?

I'd have met you
at the station.

Mr. haney gave me a ride.

I couldn't wait
to get back.

You hated New York, huh?

The smog and the traffic
and the noise.

And you missed
all of this.

Well, I didn't
miss all of this,

but I did miss you.

What about
our furniture?

It will be here
next week.

Oh, wonderful.
It'll make the place

look so much better.

Yes, especially
with the plans I have.

That reminds me,

have I got something
to show you.

Come here. I got
a surprise for you.

Ha! Guess what that is.

A piece of wallpaper
from the living room?

Oh. There.

Ah. That's a much
prettier wallpaper.

This is our farm.

It's just a preliminary
sketch till I check

with the county agent.
But look here,

tomatoes, potatoes,
beets--

but where is the house?

Oh, this square right here.

Darling, while I was
in New York,

I also made some plans
about remodeling

the house.
Wonderful.

N-n-now, we're
getting somewhere.

You take care of the house,
i take care of the farm.

What? don't you want to
know what my plans are?

Surprise me.

Lisa, while you were away,
i walked all over our land.

Our soil is the richest--

well, it will be
after we treat it.

We're gonna have
the finest farm

and the finest farmhouse
in the county.

I know it, darling.

Ooh, I missed you
while you were away.

Really?

Yes. That eb is
the worst cook.

Did you call
the county agent?

Yes, sir. He'll get here
as soon as he can.

Fine.

I picked up a copy
of this week's

hooterville world guardian.

Yeah?
I'll read it later.

Interestin' story
in here.

"Country club to
be built in valley"

country club?!

What kind of a nut
would build

a country club
out here?

Well, i--

gotta be out
of his mind!

That's what
Sam drucker said.

Who's gonna be
stupid enough--

Oliver Wendell Douglas?
That's me.

Where did Sam drucker
get a story like that?!

From Ms. Douglas.

When she went in
to talk to him

about gettin'
a contractor.

Lisa!

I told you I had plans.

I thought you meant
you had some ideas.

Well, Mr. weatherby
drew them up.

Oh, weatherby--
[Whimpering]

Lisa, this is ridiculous!

A projection room,
a swimming pool,

a putting green,
a gymnasium--

I told him
to keep it simple.

Simple?

A place like this'll
cost us

a half a million
dollars.

Well, we can leave out
the projection room.

Where does the farm go?

Over here, darling,

behind
the tennis court,

so you won't
be disturbed.

There isn't going to be
any tennis court,

or swimming pool,
or gymnasium,

or billiard parlor,
or--

darling,
don't get so excited.

I'm only trying to make
the place livable.

I just wanted you
to fix it up a little.

Something simple,
just for the two of us.

For the three of us.

[Dishes clatter]

The three of us?

Yes, darling.

You, me, and Eleanor.

[Moos]

Oh, that cow?!

She's yours.
What?

Well, Mr. haney, when he drove
me back from the station,

he said you had
your heart set on her.

Happy anniversary,
darling.

It's not
our anniversary.

We've been here
a month today.

Lisa...

It has gone fast,
hasn't it?

Yes, darling. I hope
the next 5 months

will go just as fast.

Oh, darling.

Then my 6-month promise
will be up,

and we can go
back to New York.

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