Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 5 - My Husband, the Rooster Renter - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Car approaching]

[Whistling]

[Clank]

[Knocking]
[Dog barks]

[Dog barking]

[Knocking on door]



[Banging on door]

[Banging and barking continue]

[Banging and barking continue]

[Banging continues]

[Barking continues]

[Banging continues]

[Barking continues]

Anybody home?

[Banging on door]

[Bricks clanking]

Hey, cut that out!

You're gonna knock
the whole house down.

Good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney?

Is this yours?

Well...

Another day,
another dollar.

May I have it, please?

A dollar?

Yeah, the rental
on them cots.

Unless you ain't gonna
use 'em anymore.

You mean you--

and, let's see,
there's another 75 cents

for the rental
of the kitchen table

and chairs.

You woke me up
to tell me that?

Oh, did I wake you up?

Yes, you did.

Oh, I thought you'd be
up at the rooster crow.

We don't have a rooster.

You ain't got a rooster?

No.

And you call this
a farm?

No.

You called it a farm
when I bought it from you.

Well, I never would have
sold it to you

if I knew you was just
gonna let the atmosphere

ooze down the gutter.

Imagine that.

A farm without
a rooster.

[Rooster crows]

What's that?

Uh...What's what?

[Rooster crows]

Bertram, how did you
get in that truck?

Maybe somebody helped him.

Who helped you, Bertram?

Look, Mr. haney...

If you came over here
to sell me--

sell Bertram?

Mr. Douglas...

Bertram is not for sale.

Well, where did you
get the chicken?

It's not a chicken,
it's a rooster.

You bought him
from Mr. haney.

No, I rented it from him.

You--you rented
a rooster?

Yeah, I got it
to wake us up.

We've been sleeping
too late.

5:30 is too late?

Lisa, on a farm, everybody
gets up at daybreak.

Lisa, honey,
all over the country

farm families
are already up and...

Hard at work hoeing
and plowing the fields,

milking the cows,
cultivating, making things,

come to life.

Why, if our American farmer
didn't get up early,

our whole economic structure
would come to a grinding halt.

Lisa!

Can you still see me?

Only a little bit.

[Bang bang bang bang]

[Humming]

[Hammering]

Oh, good morning.

Good morning.

I'm Hank kimball,
the county agent.

You came to condemn
the house?

No, I don't have
anything to do

with condemning houses.

I'm with the state
department of agriculture.

Do you know anybody

in the condemning
department?

Afraid not.

My job is to help the farmers
with their farming problems.

I, uh...I understand your
husband wanted to see me.

Oh, yes. Oliver! Oliver!

Yeah?

There is somebody
here to see you

from the state
department.

State department?

No, no, state department
of agriculture, Mr. Douglas.

I'm the county agent.

Oh! Hey, I've been
waiting to see ya.

I'll be right down.

Darling!

Mr. kimball
would have waited.

You should have
used the ladder.

I could get a roofing man

to fix that roof for you,
Mr. Douglas.

I have been trying to get
a man to come out here

and work on this house
for weeks.

Ooh!

[Grunts]

I know a good roofing man.

Jack Parker.

Here, I'll give you
his phone number.

Uh, do you know
a good plumber, too?

I would like to get
the water started

so I can do this
instead of this.

I'll give you
ed ferguson's number, too.

If you'll just
call him, now.

On what?

Uh...

You don't have a phone?

Among other things.

Lisa, while I show
Mr. kimball around,

why don't you drive in
to Mr. drucker's.

You call, now.

The plumber
and the roofing man.

And call
the phone company

and tell them
to put in that phone

they promised us.

All right, as soon
as I get dressed.

I want you to...

Go around
with me. I...

I want your advice.
I'm anxious to get--

excuse me, darling.

I just remembered
something.

What?

I don't know how
to drive.

All right.

I will drive you in
to Mr. drucker's store

just as soon
as I'm finished

with Mr. kimball here.

Mr. Douglas!

Do you know you have
a hole in your roof?

Yes, I know.

I just wanted to tell you
so you wouldn't fall through.

Oh, hi, Mr. kimball.

Hello, eb. You working
for Mr. Douglas?

Yes, sir.

How's it going?

Oh, it's a million laughs.

Isn't there something
you could do?

I could milk the cow.

Oh? You bought a cow?

Yeah. Mr. haney
sold him Eleanor.

Eleanor?

[Chuckles]

Eleanor.

Yes.
[Laughs]

See what I mean
by a million laughs?

Uh...

Would you like
to look at the farm?

Uh, the farm?

Please.

Uh, yes, of course,
Mr. Douglas.

Eleanor.

[Laughs]

I'll send these soil
samples in to the lab.

Soon as I get
the report back,

we'll go from there.

I appreciate your
coming over, Mr. kimball.

Any time, Mr. Douglas.

That's what a county
agent's for.

To help you with
your farming problems.

Uh...

Please. You haven't told me
what you think of the farm.

What I think?

Well, uh,
actually, it's, uh...

Well, you see,
a farm is, uh...

I'll, uh, try to
rush this report

right through, sir.

If there's something wrong,

I'd like to know
what it is.

What it is?

What it is.

Yes, give me
your frank opinion.

Frank opinion?
Well, uh...

Want me to wipe
the prespiration

off your forehead,
Mr. kimball?

Eb.

For example, uh...

What do you think
of the soil?

Oh, the soil?

Well, now, that's
different, Mr. Douglas.

I mean, the soil is...

Out there in the fields
where it should be.

Mr. kimball,
it seems to me

that you're
evading the question.

What do you think
of this farm?

Now, tell me the truth.

The truth?

Yes.

Well, uh...

You have a very...

Interesting place here,
Mr. Douglas.

Now, what does that mean?

Just needs
a little work.

Well, not a little work.

Needs a lot of work.

Mr. kimball.

I am not afraid of work.

The farms of America
were not built by shirkers.

Well, Mr. Douglas--

they were built by men
who put sweat and toil

and back-breaking
labor into them.

They nourished
their crops with love...

And muscle.

And their harvests filled
the bread baskets of America

with corn and wheat
and barley

to feed our great nation
and make it strong and healthy.

Oh, I tell you,
Mr. kimball.

It'll be the proudest day
of my life when I can stand here

and look out
over my growing fields

and join hands with them

and say...

"I am a farmer."

Yeah.

Well, I'll, uh...

See if I can't rush
this report through,

Mr. Douglas.

What did the man
tell you about the farm?

Oh, he thought
it was very, uh...

Interesting.

He wouldn't
tell you the truth.

He wouldn't say anything
till he had the soil analyzed.

Oh...All right, darling.

You can drive me
to hootersville now.

Uh...Sweetheart, as long as
we're gonna live here,

you should learn to pronounce
the name of the town correctly.

Hooterville.

All right, let's go
to hoosterville.

You going into hoosterville?

Very funny.

Would you mind getting
a couple of milking pails?

Eleanor doesn't like
squirting into these.

She's used to that
"ping ping"

of a galvanized pail.

Ok.

Oh, come on, mignon.

Why are you taking her?

I always take her
with me.

In the city.

Oh, on a farm, every dog's
gotta earn its keep.

What do you
want her to do?

Be a watch dog.

What do you
want her to watch?

The house.

Please.

She hasn't been feeling
too well lately.

You stay here,

and you keep an eye
on the house, huh?

[Dog yelps]

[Wedding music playing]

And by the power vested in me
by the county and the state,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Ahem.

And by the power vested in me

by the county and the state,

I now pronounce you...

Oh. Good morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

Morning. I, uh...

Hope we're not
interrupting anything.

Oh, no, no,
I'm just practicing.

There's a young couple
coming in later this afternoon

to audition
my $8 wedding ceremony.

It's between me
and the justice of the peace

in crabwell corners.

I am sure they're
going to choose you.

Well, I don't know.

The justice
in crabwell corners

has a wife that plays a wedding
march on the harmonica.

Well, what can I do
for you folks?

May I use your phone?

I have to call
the roofing man.

You didn't hurt yourself
when you fell through, did you?

No.

Mr. drucker, where
are the milk pails?

Right over there.
Help yourself.

I'll be glad
to call him for you.

Oh, Jack Parker.

Well, he's coming in today.
I'll tell him to drop by.

But I also have to call
Mr. ferguson,

the plumber.

Oh, ed ferguson.
Well, I'll get him for you.

Sarah?

Sarah?

She's a little slow
plugging in.

Sarah? Sam.

Would you get me ed ferguson
up in pixley?

I--

no, I don't have a leak.

I'm making this call
for Mrs. Douglas.

What?

Oh, well, it's, uh...

Kind of a dress.
It's green.

Chartreuse.

Chartreuse.

What?

Well, how would I know?

89.50.

89.50.

If she didn't own
the phone company,

we'd have dials.

Mr. drucker?

If she owns
the phone company,

ask her why we haven't
got our phone in.

Mr. Douglas wants to know
why his phone isn't in yet.

Well, it's not
doing them any good

sitting on top
of your switchboard.

They need it.

Good.

They'll have it in
tomorrow.

Wonderful.

Now, Sarah, would you
mind getting--

oh. Hello, ed?

Ed, Sam drucker.

Yeah, I got a little
plumbing job for you.

The folks that bought
the haney place.

Well, if you'll
stop laughing,

I'll tell you
what they want.

Tell him we want
our plumbing in

so we can have
running water.

Do you hear that, ed?

Fine. Thanks.

He'll be out first thing
in the morning.

Well, we'll be up

when
the rooster crows.

Hey...

It's 10 after 5.

You're supposed to crow
when the sun comes up.

Crow!

[Crows]

Come on!

[Crowing]

Morning, darling.

Go back to sleep.

But I heard
the rooster crow.

That was me.

I was trying
to get him to crow.

You have to give him
crowing lessons?

You're ruining
the whole effect.

Go back to sleep.

You know, you're getting
paid 50 cents a day

to do a job.

Morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Having trouble
with Bertram?

Yeah, he refuses to crow.

Well, Bertram
isn't the crower.

He's a pecker.

Eb...

Go milk the cow, will you?

Yes, sir.

Come on, come on.
Wake up, wake up,

wake up.
Darling...

You told me to
go back to sleep

till I hear
the rooster crow.

That rooster's
not gonna crow

till I straighten things out
with Mr. haney,

and you gotta
make some breakfast.

Oh!

Come on, now,
come--oh.

[Strains]
Oh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
stop that!

Man: You Mr. Douglas?

Yes, I'm Mr. Douglas...

Eh, down here!

Oh! Who are you?

I'm ed ferguson,
the plumber.

Who are you
talking to?

Ed ferguson,
the plumber.

What?

Morning, ma'am.

What are you doing
down there?

Tracing the pipes.

You want running water

in both the kitchen
and the bathroom.

Yes, uh...

Uh...

But you'll have to excuse us.
We're getting dressed.

[Knock knock knock
knock knock]

Very glad to have met
you, Mrs. Douglas.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Let me help you
with that.

Oh!

You're doing
something wrong

with these pancakes.

Maybe she ought to
use more milk.

What are you doing
up there?

I traced the pipes up here.

And then I lost them.

Oh, for crying out loud.

You ought to get
this hole fixed.

Somebody's gonna fall through.

We are going to
have it fixed.

There's supposed to be
a roofing man here.

I'm here.

What are you doing
under the house?

I'm looking for
ed ferguson.

He's got my hammer.

Hi, Jack!

Hey, you got my hammer?

Yeah, I'll bring it down.

No, I'll come up and get it.

Gotta come down anyway.

Yeah, but, uh...

I gotta go up.

Hold it, hold it,
fellows.

Why don't you meet
in the back yard

so we can eat
our breakfast?

Sure.

Meet you out
in the back yard, Jack.

Ok.

Morning, Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. haney.

Hey, do I smell hot cakes?

Yes.

Oh, there's nothing like
a breakfast

of hotcakes and eggs.

We don't have any eggs.

You don't have any--

I forgot.
You don't have a hen.

don't seem right,

having a farm without a hen,
does it, Alice?

You can forget it.

Forget what?

You're not gonna
sell me that hen.

Oh, I wouldn't sell Alice.

And you're not gonna
rent her to me, either.

That rooster
you rented me...

Bertram?

Oh, he probably
knocked you out of bed

a-cock-a-doodle-doodling.

He didn't crow at all.

We didn't hear
a peep out of him.

Well, he ain't a peeper.
He's a crower.

He's not a crower.
He's a pecker.

Maybe he's kind of
off his feed.

Alice didn't feel so good
this morning, either.

She didn't lay one egg.

Hey, now I understand
why she didn't lay any.

Why, without Bertram,
there wasn't any reason.

And without Alice,

Bertram didn't have
anything to crow about.

I should never have
broke up the sick.

Oh, come on!

Did you ever do any crowing

when you was separated
from Mrs. Douglas?

Now, look--

well, then, why do you
expect Bertram to?

You mean, if we would
have a chicken,

then the rooster would?

And vice versa.

Let me show you
something, Mrs. Douglas.

[Rooster crowing]

A souvenir
of nature's wonder.

Is that how it works?

Oh, for crying out loud.

You don't believe that,
do you?

[Rooster crows]

Now, Mr. Douglas...

Are you gonna keep
these two love birds apart?

No.

I'm giving Bertram
back to you.

Well, it seems a shame
to uproot Bertram

just when he's getting
so well adjusted to this place.

Now, I could rent you
the pair--

no.

[Rooster crows]

Well...

Where is the egg?

I guess you broke
Alice's heart.

Hey, he did a nice job,
didn't he?

Beautiful.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Mr. Douglas.
Sarah sent me.

I'm from the hooterville
phone company.

I got your phone.

Our phone!

Oh, Lisa!

Lisa...

What's the matter,
darling?

Our phone is here!

Oh, a phone!
How marvelous!

You people never had
a phone before?

Oh, yes, but not since
we've lived here.

Brought over
a couple of models.

This is
our latest model.

Comes in black
and battleship grey.

Uh, the black one.

You don't want to see
the other model?

Not if that's
the latest one.

This other's
a wall phone.

This just comes in
mediterranean blue.

Well, you can put
that one in the kitchen

and one of the other ones
in the living room

and one
in the bedroom, and--

wait a minute, lady.

You just get one phone
to a house.

Well, what about Jacks?

Jack's what?

Phone Jacks,

where you have
one telephone,

and you can plug it in
in any room.

Heh heh.
You're putting me on.

Uh, no, no, uh...

As long as you're here,
put the blue one in the kitchen.

Hi, ed.

Hi, Carl.

Well, your plumbing's
all hooked up.

How about that, huh?

Plumbing's connected,
roof is patched,

we're getting a phone.
Oh, we're really moving!

I'll go pack.

I mean
we're making progress.

How much do I owe you?

Well, let me see, now...

I got here
at 5:30 this morning.

It's 3:30.

Uh, that's 10 hours.

Um...

$6.00?

$6.00?

I had to raise my rate.

A plumber
for 10 hours for $6.00?

Ok. 5.50.

Oh, no, no, no.

Here's the...
Here's the 6...

$6.00, yes.

You mean to say

we've got running
water now?

Well, you will,
as soon as you hook your...

Pump up to electricity.

I'll go and connect it.

He'll be right back.

Didn't I tell you?

We don't have
electricity.

Haven't you put in
an application

to the county power
and light company?

Yes, they said
it would take 6 months.

6 months?
Whew.

You must have
used some pull.

Oh, Oliver, can't
you do something?

You're darn right I can.

I'll write a letter
to the power company.

Your phone's up.

Oh! Just in time!

I'll phone
the power company.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hello.
Who's this?

Mr. haney.

Oh, Mr. haney, uh...

Look, would you please
get off the line?

He's not
on the line.

Oh, for crying out loud.

The phone doesn't work.

It will, soon as we
get a line run in.

How long will that take?

3 months.

Oh, Oliver!

Oh, now, don't be
discouraged.

We don't need
an electrical company.

We'll make our own
electricity.

Do you have
a recipe?

I need a generator.

Do you know where
to get one?

Ahem.

[Generator humming]

Well, we got
electricity...

Running water...

What a day, huh?

Up at 5:30.
I'm exhausted.

Do you mind
if I turn the light out?

No, darling, go ahead.

[Generator sputtering]

I guess it needs
a little adjusting.

Good night, Lisa.

Good night, darling.

[Crows]

[Rooster crows]

[Snorts]

[Rooster crows]

The nights are
getting shorter.

Oliver!

Oh...

Hey, that Mr. haney
was right.

Alice did make
a difference.

That Bertram sure
crowed this morning.

My husband...

The rooster renter!

[Rooster crows]

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