Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Decorator - full transcript

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪



♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

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Lisa: Aah!

Lisa, Lisa.
Lisa, Lisa. Wake up.

Wake up.
What's the matter?

Ohh. I had the most
horrible nightmare.

I dreamt that you bought
a farm in--

you did.



You did.

You did!

You did!

Mom, did you hear
all that screaming?

Uncle Joe wants
his breakfast?

No, it was
a woman's voice.

She kept screaming
you did, you did!

Boy, she sounded
hysterical.

Wh-what do you
mean hysterical?

Oh, like the way
you sounded

when uncle Joe
brought home

that boxing
kangaroo.

That must have been
Mrs. Douglas.

She woke up and realized
where she was.

Yeah.

I guess that
could be

pretty
frightening.

Oh, worse than
a boxing kangaroo.

You know something.

I'd better go over there

and see if she's
all right.

Good morning.

Oliver: Ahh.
You're feeling better?

I did until I came
in here.

What time is it?
My watch stopped.

5:30.

It didn't stop.

Who gets up
so early?

Everybody
in the country.

Let's move back
to the city.

Oliver: You'll
feel better

after you've
had breakfast.

Who's going
to cook it?

Oh. Now, well. Eh.

I want to talk
to you about that.

What is there
to talk about?

About who's cooking.

Darling, when we
got married,

I promised to love,
honor, and obey.

I said nothing
about cooking.

There's nothing
to it.

You just put
some stuff in a pot,

and you stick it
on the stove.

I've already started
the fire.

Oliver.

I'll get some more wood.

Oh, what am I
supposed to cook?

Wheat cakes, uh,
bacon and eggs.

Anything you like.

Wonder if he'd like
a cheese omelet.

[Snap]
Aah!

I should have listened
to mother

and stayed in New York.

Hooterville.

H-o-o-t.

But I've already spelled
it for you 8 times.

What's the matter
with your travel agency?

You've taken me to Rome,
Pakistan, Singapore, Copenhagen.

Can't you find a simple
little place like hooterville?

Of course, it's in
the United States.

He wouldn't dare take
that dear, sweet girl

out of the country
without my permission.

Well, find it.

Book me on the next plane
and call me back!

[Click]
Oh!

Courage, darling.
Mother's on her way.

Lisa: Darling,
are you all right?

I just got a chill.

Are you catching
a cold?

No. When I walked
through the door,

I got a feeling
of...Impending doom.

I get the same feeling
every time I walk in here.

That's enough wood for
you to make breakfast.

Even if I knew
how to cook,

what am I supposed
to make?

Well, this is a farm.

Find some eggs
or something.

[Knocking]

Who's that?

If it's anyone
who can cook,

send them right in.

Who's there?

Mr. Haney.

Oh.

[Rattling]

Look, you want--

you push the door,
while I turn.

Ohh. Good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

[Sighs]
Good morning.

This never happened
when I owned the place.

One thing I always
took care of

was my doorknobs.

Yeah. That's all
you did take care of.

I just dropped over
about the cots.

Now, if you want to use
them again tonight,

you--you're
welcome both.

Thank you.

Cost you
another dollar.

What?

Well, I just rented
them to you

for the night.
The sun's up.

That'll be
another dollar...

In advance.

Don't you trust me?

Well, with most
things,

but not
with them cots.

They're antiques.

They went up
San joo-wan hill

with Teddy Roosevelt.

There you are.

Thank you.

Now, would you be
needing anything else?

No, no, no.
Thank you.

Well then, I guess
I'll be--

oh, by the way
how's eb doing for you?

Oh, he's fine.
So far.

Oh, he's
a good worker.

I'm glad you kept him.

I'd like to say hello
to him.

Where is he?

He's back in the barn.
He's trying to find

a table and some chairs
for our kitchen.

I don't believe
he's gonna find any.

Uh, you wouldn't happen
to know where we...

Might find some,
would you?

Uh, let's see.

Seems to be I did see
a set just the other day.

Now, where did--
oh, I remember.

On the truck.

On the truck.

I'll make you
a good buy on them.

No, no, no. I don't
want to buy them.

Uh, we're having
all our furniture

shipped out
from New York.

Well, I could rent them
to you for say $2.00 a day,

payable daily at sundown.

$2.00!

Well, they're antiques.

Yeah, I know.

Teddy Roosevelt
captured them

off the top
of San Juan hill.

Oh, you heard the story.

Yeah, I heard the story.
There's your $2.00.

You want me
to give you a hand

to carry them
into the kitchen?

Yeah, would you?

For 50 cents.

Just get them off
the truck!

I'll get eb to help me!

Well, can't win 'em all.

[Cackling]

Ok.

Just 3 eggs.

Just sit down somewhere.

Now, please die.

Just 3 eggs.

Come on.
Don't be so difficult.

Darling.

Well, you know how
to do it.

Even if he does,

I don't think
he'll be able to.

Mrs. Bradley.

That's a rooster.

Oh, a man chicken.

I was counting
on him for breakfast.

Well, I wouldn't.

You see, like most men,

he just struts around,
makes a lot of noise

while the women do
all the work.

I, uh, brought you some
things for breakfast.

I figured you
might need them.

Oh, thank you.

Let's see now. We have
coffee and flour

and sugar and bacon
and eggs.

Ohh, good.

Ha ha ha. I think that's
all you're gonna need.

Except one thing.

A cook.

You can't cook?

Mm-mmm.

Well, when Mr. Douglas
proposed to you,

didn't he ask--

no, I guess he wouldn't.

Come on. Let's see
what we can do.

I think they're about
ready to turn over.

Me?

You gotta solo sometime.

Now what?

You flip it over.

I think you
should've had

a little more practice
making batter.

We should have started
with something easier

like boiled eggs.

How do you
do that?

There you go.

Heh heh.

Do you think that Oliver
will really believe

that I made these?

Oh, I think so.

Oliver: Ooh, easy, easy.

I had to give Mr. Haney
a $25 deposit on this.

Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Mrs. Bradley.

Darling, guess what?

Mrs. Bradley brought
over breakfast,

and I cooked it

with her help.

Oh, I don't want
any credit.

Ohh. They're
beautiful.

Oh, I hope they taste
as good as they look.

I hope they taste
better than that.

Taste one.

Heh heh. Uh.

Ha ha.

Uh.

[Snap]

Well?

It's chewy.

Um, eb, wh--where did
this come from?

Mr. Douglas rented
it from Mr. Haney

for $2.00 a day.

Oh, it looks
familiar.

Ahh. Now I
recognize it.

Um, I gave this
to the salvation army

5 years ago.

It needs something
underneath

to shore it up.

[Rattles]

Lisa: Darling,

would you like
to have another pancake?

No, thank you.
That one did the trick.

And on the farm,
planning involves

taking stock
of the resources

that are available
to the individual farmer

and deciding on
the best way to use them.

Now, that's what
we've gotta do today

is take stock
of our resources.

This is a very
helpful pamphlet.

Who puts that out?

The department
of agriculture.

Mr. Haney used to talk
to them about once a year.

They always told him what
the best crop was to plant

for plowing under.

I am not gonna grow
any crops to plow under!

Mr. Haney used to say
there was big money in it.

Did Mrs. Bradley go?

Yes. Wasn't that
nice of her

to bring over
all those things?

Lisa, that's what
I mean about the country.

People are neighborly.

They help each other.

Darling, would you like
to have some coffee?

This is the first
pot of coffee

I've ever made
in my life.

Is that coffee?

How 'bout that?

I've been using
it on the hot cakes.

Would you like
to have some more?

Oh, no, no, no.
We have to get to work.

Well, where are
you going?

We're going out
to plan the farm

for profit
and stability.

Before you plan
the farm,

you'd better plan
the house.

If we are going
to live here,

you'd better get it
fixed up.

Lisa, the house is
your responsibility.

My responsibility?!

Of course.

Well, I didn't have
any--

excuse me.
Uh...

Do you want me
to wait outside

or stay for
the argument?

Wait outside.

That's what Mr. Haney
always used to say.

Darling.

I don't want
to argue with you.

I just want
to say something.

But every time you say

you just want
to say something,

it ends up
in an argument.

I only want to make
a simple statement.

I am leaving.

You're leaving?

Yes.

You promised you'd
stay for 6 months!

Well, I stayed
last night.

It was the longest
6 months I've ever spent.

Is something wrong?

Is something wrong?

What's the matter
with this?

Well. I-I admit it
takes a little repair

here, now, I'll get
to that.

When?

Um, after harvest time
is finished.

When I get more time.

And I'm packed.

You drive me
to the station?

No, wait.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I am serious.

If it's that important
to you, all right.

I'll get the place
fixed up for you.

When?

Well, today is
Wednesday.

By the time I fix--

good-bye.
No, no!

All right!
I'll start today!

This morning.

This morning.

What is it you
want me to do?

I don't know. I first
have to talk it over

with an
interior decorator.

Where are you gonna find
an interior decorator?

In New York.

I'll be packed
in 15 minutes.

No, no, no!
I'll find one!

I'll find one.
No, no, please.

If there's one within
500 miles, I'll find him.

Just don't go away.

Go and practice
your cooking.

[Thump]

Don't go away.

Mr. Douglas, there's
something I gotta--

no, no. Not now.
Put the hood down.

But, Mr. Douglas--

never mind.
I'm in a hurry.

[Starts engine]

That's what I wanted
to tell you.

Good morning,
Mr. Drucker.

Drucker:
Morning, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, what I need--

I know just what
you're going to ask me for.

What's that?

That's a screw
for your front doorknob.

Save you climbing
in and out of the window.

Well, but what i--

I got some of that, too.

Roll of electric tape,

so you can splice
the wire you busted

dragging the cot
out the window.

What have you got going
on around here?

A bush telegraph
or something?

Eh, just keep my ear
to the ground.

I hear Kate brought you
over the makings for breakfast.

Yes. Yes, she was.

You ought to stock up.

I got a great deal for you.

The honeymooners' special.

What's that?

Newlyweds are always
coming in here pestering me

for some kind of list
of what they needed

to set up housekeeping.

So, I got up this list,

which includes
all the basic necessities

for married life for $18,
for which you get

a completely equipped kitchen,
including one cookbook,

one can opener, one coffee pot,
one frying pan, one stew pot,

one all-purpose pot, one dish
towel, and one scouring pad.

Oh, that's
very nice, but--

for the bathroom, you get
one bar of perfumed soap,

2 toothbrushes, a bottle
of brilliantine, 2 face towels,

2 bath towels,
and a nonskid bath mat.

Well, I don't--

for the bedroom, 2 sheets,
2 pillows, 2 pillowcases,

2 padded coat hangers,
a hot water bottle, 2 blankets,

one army and one Navy.

Well, what I came
for was--

now, if you want to go all out,
I got the deluxe special.

For $8 more, you can add
to the above one side of bacon,

one can of coffee,
3 cans of succotash,

one can of creamed corn,
2 cans of apple sauce,

2 cans of beans, one jar
of jam, salt, pepper, vinegar,

pound of assorted crackers,

large jar
of maraschino cherries,

and a can of genuine sardines.

Well, what i--

in addition,
you get such luxury items

as stove black,
a lamp wick trimmer,

a door mat with "welcome"
spelled out in 3 colors,

a flashlight,
a shaving mirror,

and your choice of either
of these 2 framed mottos.

Uh, no. No, thank you--

I know it ain't
an easy decision.

Well, think it over.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

Uh...

I forgot what I
came in--oh! Oh, yes.

Uh, this might seem like
a silly question to you,

but do you know where

I could get in touch
with a decorator?

That's not
a silly question.

We got one
of the finest decorators

in the state living right up
in pixley.

Roland Wilson.

Pixley?

Well, he lives there 'cause
he's kind of semi-retired.

Is he any good?

Oh, he's done work for some

of the most important people
in the state,

including the governor.

I'd put him up against any
of your New York decorators.

Oh, that'll make
my wife very happy.

How could I get
in touch with him?

Well, I'll give him
a ring for you.

Sarah's a little
slow plugging in.

Uh, Sarah? Sam.

Could you connect me
with Roland Wilson in pixley?

[Line buzzes]

Sarah, stop
snapping your key!

Hello? Rollie,
I got a job for you.

Yeah, there's
a Mr. Douglas here--

Douglas. He bought
the haney place.

Yeah, yeah.
The haney place.

No, he don't look
like a drinking man to me.

What?

Are you in a hurry?

Yes, I am.

Yes. He is.

Oh, well,
thanks, rollie.

He'll drop by
to see you this afternoon.

Oh, thank you, thank--

you've saved my life,
Mr. Drucker.

Well, how about showing
your gratitude

with the honeymoon special?

Well, no,
I don't think i--

is something wrong?

Yes. I just had
the same kind of a chill

I had this morning.

[Crash]

Enjoying your ride, ma'am?

I am going to write

to the interstate
commerce commission

about this train.

Well, any kind word
will be appreciated.

The old cannonball's
running pretty smooth today.

Rides pretty good
since we fixed the track.

Then why is it
bumping so?

Well, we ain't fixed
the wheels yet.

When do we get
to hooterville?

Well, we're scheduled
to arrive at 1:27.

And are we on time?

Yep.

We'll pull in
right on the nose.

4:45.
[Crash]

This don't mean
we're engaged.

Oh!

...and the decorator
will be here.

This afternoon.

Is he any good?

Good? He did
the governor's place.

Really?

Oh, of course.
He's going to have this

looking like a palace
in no time

and I've got
another surprise for you.

What is that?

Everything we need
to set up housekeeping.

Hey.

I see you got the
honeymoon special.

Yeah.

The deluxe deal!

I sure am glad
you got this one.

I'm not much of a
home, sweet home.

Succotash!

Look at--green beans!

Genuine sardines.

Mr. Douglas,

I just remembered
something.

What?
It's time for lunch.

[Bubbling]

Dear.

Would you like
to have another pancake?

Uh, no, thanks.

No, thanks. That's fine.

How are they?

Oh, they're just great.

Oliver: Aren't they, eb?

I'll let you know as
soon as I get one cut.

Maybe you'd like to eat
your lunch out under a tree.

I'd rather eat at the
hooterville diner.

No offense,
Mrs. Douglas.

Pay no attention to him.

He's not used
to good city cooking.

Eb was right.

They're not
very good, are they?

Well, this is only
your second meal.

It gets better each time.

It's no use.

Oh, don't worry.

Ah, plea--everything
is going to be fine.

Pretty soon the decorator
will be here.

Excuse me.

Now look. He came back
for a second helping.

No. I didn't. I just
came in to tell you

there's a lady outside.

Who is it?
I don't know.

Why didn't you ask her?

I couldn't.
She fainted.

Oh, mother!

Mother. Mother!

No wonder I got
cold chills. What happened?

I don't know.

I picked her up at the
depot, drove her out.

She got out
of the truck,

took one look
at the house

and keeled over.

I can
understand that.

Yeah. I guess
the rustic beauty

is kinda overwhelming.

I couldn't find
any smelling salts,

but try this.

[Coughing]

This liniment's
great

for rubbing horses,
too.

Come along, darling.

Come on.
You'll be all right.

I take you
into the house.

Oh, no!

It's still there!

Oh, Oliver,
how could you bring

this poor, defenseless child
to this--this--oh!

Pack your things.
You're leaving.

No. She's not leaving.

Don't shout at mother.

I can shout at her.
She's my mother.

Well, she's
my mother-in-law.

It's not natural
for anybody

to like their own
mother-in-law.

I don't
like your mother.

Oliver!

Oh, darling.
Don't bother arguing.

We'll have you packed
and back in New York

before dinner.

Speaking of dinner.

Nobody's speaking
of dinner.

Come along, now.

Now, wait a second!

Uh, uh, Mr. Douglas,
that'll be a dollar.

For bringing
the lady out.

A dollar?

Well, I don't
'spect a tip.

You're not getting one.

Oh, uh, Mr. Douglas.

Maybe you can
spend it.

You sure can't
eat it.

The room was
too much for her.

Come on, darling.
Help me.

There you are, dear.

[Groans]
Go pack your clothes.

You are not staying
inside this depressed area

another second.

Excuse me.

I'm looking
for Mr. Douglas.

Not now. I'm busy.

Uh, Sam drucker
told me

you wanted to see
me this afternoon.

I'm Roland Wilson.

Well!

The decorator.

This is the decorator.

I told you I'd get one.

Lisa, are you coming?

Oh, darling,
I promised Oliver

if he gets
a decorator I'll stay.

You don't have to keep
a promise.

You're a woman!

I'm also Oliver's wife.

[Sighs]

Well, if that's
what you want.

No. No, I cannot go and
leave you here in this!

Oh, don't worry, darling!
I'll be all right.

Well, if you
change your mind,

you know you always
have a home with me.

Oh, thank you, darling.
Good-bye.

Good-bye, mother.

Oh. Good-bye,
Oliver.

[Sighs]

My son.

The farming nut.

Oh, Mr. Haney.

I'll ride back
to hooterville with you.

Thank you, darling.

Darling, Mr. Wilson.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.

Oh, go ahead.
I'm in no hurry.

Oh, we are.

We are eager
to get started.

Do you have
any good ideas?

Well, I kinda
like to find out

what the client
wants.

Well, it should be
lots of colors.

Gay and cheery.

Oh, that's easy.

But there's one thing
I have to know first.

How big a cake did you want?

Both: Cake?!

Now, the cake I decorated
for the governor

was 4 feet square
and 6 tiers high

and it had a donkey
and a mule on top.

It was strictly
non-partisan.

You are
a cake decorator?

Best in the county.

Now, what's the occasion?

Lisa, i--

why not make it
a moving-in cake?

Oliver?

Oliver:
Put out the light.

Oliver!

Oliver: I've got
a surprise for you.

Happy anniversary!

Oh, darling,
it isn't our anniversary!

Yes, it is.

It's been exactly a week
that we've been here.

Mr. Wilson
just brought the cake.

Oh, it's beautiful.

What is that?

That's the way our house
is going to look

after we get it
fixed up.

Aah!

Chocolate roof, mocha walls,
and a vanilla fence.

Uh-huh. Now, make a wish
and blow out the candle.

I wish the windows
wouldn't be pistachio.

Darling, you're
crushing the cake!

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