Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 24 - The Deputy - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

♪ oh, her hair was long
and her sea was strong ♪

♪ and the waves
were big and rough ♪

♪ they were mountain-high
and they hit her in the eye ♪

♪ and swept her off
into the stuff ♪

♪ oh, shed a tear
for gertrude ♪

♪ at the bottom
of the sea ♪



♪ yes, shed a tear
for gertrude ♪

♪ and shed
a tear for me ♪

♪ oh, the captain-- ♪

Eb! Eb! What's that
song you're singing?

Oh, that's a folk song
my pappy learned

in this little town
he was borned in.

They wrote folks songs
about practically

everything
that ever happened.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
When I was in school

I used to go around
in vacation time

and collect folk songs.

In fact,
i wrote a few myself.

I'd take
an old local legend,

I'd set it to music--

say, Mr. Douglas, maybe
you could write a song about

that thing that happened
around here over 100 years ago.

You see, there
was this woman.

Her name was...

Her name was what?

Molly turgiss.

Uh-oh.

What about Molly?

don't say it!

What's the matter
with you?

What's
the local legend?

I'm sorry. I said more
than I should've.

But you started
to tell me--

if you need me,
I'll be hidin'.

Molly turgiss?

Uh, Lisa,
have you seen--

what are you doing?

I'm making a whole
electrical breakfast.

Electrical toast,
electrical coffee,

and electrical eggs.

Yeah, but
don't forget now,

you can't add up
to more than a seven,

and that coffee pot's
already a 3.

Darling, how long
have I been here?

Um, 7 months.

Good-bye.

Where you going?

I only promised
to stay 6.

You promised
to stay another 6.

Well, that's because
you got me drunk.

I what?

Just like you did when
you got me to marry you.

Why do you think up
these wild stories?

I like
to get you mad.

All right, I'm mad.
Now make me some breakfast.

All right.

I pull out the 6,
and put in the 2.

Take out the one,
put in the 4.

Pull out the 3
and put in--i missed.

Now, I got to fix
the generator.

You better, darling,

because the ziffels
are coming to dinner,

and I want to cook them
a whole electrical dinner.

What about
breakfast?

Well, if you want
some coffee,

you'd better
light the stove.

There's some paper in
the washing machine.

Washing machine?

I always keep it there
because I never use it.

You see, it's a 6,

and the refrigerator
goes all the time,

and if I plug in
the washing machine,

you know what happens.

Uh-huh. I just saw.

All right--

oh, Lisa! My music!

What's this doing in there?
You know what this is!

Yes, your solk fongs.

My--my folk songs.

I sometimes get the s-ses
mixed up with f-ses.

Yes, I know you do.

Lots of people do.

What did you
put my solk--oh!

You have trouble
with the f-ses, too?

That's not the only
trouble I have.

Do you have wubble-u
troubles, too?

When you get the wubble-us
mixed up with the wees?

No. I've been
spared that one.

You haven't been
starting the fire

with my folk songs,
have you?

No, I don't think so.

It took a long time to
collect these, you know.

Oh, here's one!

I found this one
in the everglades.

The day Lizzie Taylor
got et by the alligator.

Here's one I found down in
the blue Ridge mountains.

♪ Who pulled the trigger
on little Harry bigger ♪

They're all sad.

Maybe they are, but
that's all part of America.

If it wasn't for
these folk songs,

a lot of the old legends
would've been lost.

Well, I wouldn't care if
some of them got lost.

You know, there's
a folk story about

something that happened
here in hooterville.

Oh?
Yeah.

How many people
got wiped out?

I don't know.

I don't know anything
about it except

it's about somebody
named Molly turgiss.

[Clang]

Huh. I thought
i fixed that.

Good morning,
Mr. drucker.

Morning, Mr. Douglas,
Mrs. Douglas.

How are you,
Mr. drucker?

I'm just fine. Care for
a freshly dusted apple?

No,
thank you.

Is there something
i can do for you folks?

Yes, you can answer
a question.

Eb's been telling me
of a local legend--

darling, I have
to do my shopping.

The ziffels are
coming for dinner.

Oh! What'll you have?

Have you got
any guitar picks?

Yeah, but there ain't
much nourishment on them.

I didn't mean that
we were gonna serve them.

I play a little guitar,
and I thought after dinner--

oh, darling, are
you going to sing

some of your
sad solk fongs?

Solk fongs?

Have you got
any guitar picks?

Yeah. You'll find them over
in the music department

between
the ish kabibble kazoos

and the Rudy vallee
megaphones.

Ok, I'll find them.

Here's my list,
Mr. drucker.

Let's see,
6 jars of cay-vee--

caviar.

Oh, of course. Ahem.

Looks like we're
fresh out of them.

What are they?

They're little and round
and black and come from--

oh, Oliver!
What is a caviar?

Fish eggs.

Oh. Oh!
Fish eggs!

Here you are.
"Knock 'em dead fish eggs."

They'll get you a trout
even during mating season.

I wouldn't want
to disturb anybody

during mating season.

Uh, how much is
this guitar pick?

Is that a John Philip sousa
or an Eddie peabody?

It doesn't have
any name on it.

Oh. I can let you have
that for 15 cents.

Darling, please,
can't you do

your shopping
somewhere else?

I'm sorry!

What is this Patty foy?

Paté de foie gras.

Oh...Of course.

4 cans, please.

4 cans of foy gras.

Well, looks like
we're out of that, too.

Doggone, I sure have
a run on these things

this time of year.

I imagine they clean you
out of foie gras in no time.

Honey, enough of
this fancy stuff here.

What are you gonna
serve for dinner?

Well, I thought
something simple

like lobster
thermidor.

That's simple?

Yes. You just
get a lobster

and you put it
in the thermidor.

I don't think
we have a thermidor.

That's good, 'cause I sold
my last lobster 3 years ago.

I never had so much
trouble in the city

giving a dinner party.

I got a couple of steaks
in the freezer in back.

Steaks? Well, how
do you cook those?

I'll barbecue them.
You got any charcoal?

Yes, sir.
Sure thing.

That big enough?

Oh, yeah, that's--burgess?
Now, what does that--

that reminds me.
When I came in here,

I started to ask you something
about this local legend

about a woman
named Molly turgiss.

[Crash]

Now you did it, Mr. Douglas!
Didn't you see that sign?

Who is "you-know-who"?

You-know-who is mo--

is who you said that
busted the pickle barrel.

Oh, you don't mean just
because I mentioned--

don't mention it!

I don't understand what
busted the pickle barrel.

What's the mystery?

Just forget about it,
Mr. Douglas.

But you--

what happened to you-know-who
happened a long time ago.

Let's just leave it
that way.

[Music playing]

Aw, come on, Fred.
The douglases are expecting us.

I ain't a-goin'.
Why not?

Because he's gonna ask me
about you-know-who,

just like he did
Sam drucker.

That don't mean
he's gonna ask you.

I ain't takin'
no chances.

Oh, you're not
taking any chances

mentioning
Molly turgiss.

What'd you knock
my hat off for?

I didn't touch
your hat.

Well, somebody
knocked it off!

It was you-know-who.

don't try and tell me
it was Molly turgiss!

[Thump]

Ok, Fred, come on,
on your feet.

Come on, let's go!

I ain't movin'.

Aw, Fred, I spent all
afternoon pressin' my hat

and Arnold took a bath.

Well, Arnold don't want
to go no more'n I do.

He wants to stay and watch
the Beverly hillbillies.

[Grunting]

Ok, on your feet,
both of you. Come on.

Ohh, all right,
I'll go.

But if he mentions her
just once, I'm leavin'.

He ain't gonna
mention her,

and if you'll be nice,
we'll have a real good time.

♪ So-o-o ♪

♪ ol' John Brody,
he rose from his bed ♪

♪ and he picked up a shovel
and he hit her on the head ♪

♪ down fell Bess,
stone cold dead ♪

♪ oh-de-lay-ee,
with a hi diddle diddle ♪

♪ and a ninny ninny foo ♪

♪ says he, "Bess townsend,
I'm rid of you" ♪

[Snores]

He's not through yet,
Mr. ziffel.

Just one more to go.

Well, I guess I can
sleep through that.

Fred! Go ahead,
Mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

♪ Ohhh, they drug ol' John
to the little county jail ♪

♪ and they put him in the cell
and wouldn't give him bail ♪

♪ and when they strung him up
and they sprung the trap ♪

♪ he shouted, "i don't care,
i shut her yap" ♪

Not yet, Mr. ziffel.

♪ Oh-de-lay-ee,
with a hi diddle diddle ♪

♪ and a ninny ninny foo ♪

♪ says he, "Bess townsend,
I'm rid of you" ♪

♪ "yes, indeed, Bess townsend,
I'm rid of yo-o-ou" ♪

Now, Mr. ziffel.

You know, that song
is based on a true story.

I got it from an old prospector
in pimpledome, Montana.

And if I hadn't put it
to music,

it might have been
lost forever.

What makes you think
it ain't lost?

Fred, why you
bein' so rude?

Because I know what
he's leadin' up to.

He's fixin' to ask me
about you-know-who.

As a matter of fact,
i was.

That's it. Come on.
Let's go, Doris.

Aw, now, Fred!

I told you the minute
he brought her name up

that we was gonna leave.

Now, come on, Arnold.
If we hurry,

we can catch the last part
of dick Van dyke.

[Squeals]

Come on.

[Grunting]

Good night, folks.

We sure enjoyed the
dinner and the songs.

I just enjoyed
the dinner.

Wait a minute!

Why is it nobody
wants to talk about--

ah! Good night,
Mr. Douglas!

I wonder what
the mystery is.

What happened?

What happened was you sang
too many of your sad songs

and they went home,

just like they used
to do in New York.

We lost some of
our best friends

with your solk fongs.

Lisa, I'm talking
about the mystery.

Will you please
unhook me?

Aren't you
interested?

Hmm? No.
Thank you.

Well, I am.

Must be somebody
around here

will tell me about
Molly turgiss.

[Yelping]

Mignon, be more careful.

[Crowing]

[Buzzing]

♪ Who was ♪

♪ who was Molly ♪

♪ what was her folly ♪

♪ what was the story ♪

♪ that sent her
to her glory ♪

♪ was it sweet, was it sad ♪

♪ was it--was it good,
was it bad ♪

♪ or was it
gruesome and gory ♪

♪ Molly, Molly ♪

♪ Molly turgiss ♪

♪ what is the story of you ♪

Whoa!

Lisa!

What's the matter?

Were you
just in here?

No.

You sure?
Yes.

There was a woman
standing behind me.

An old hag with
long stringy hair,

wrinkles, no teeth.

Are you trying
to start a fight?

Oh, no, no.
I just thought that

you were the only
woman around here.

I must have
imagined it.

How could you imagine
that I look like that?

Please, forget it.

All right.

Can I unplug you now?

Uh, yeah.

Molly?

Molly turgiss?

Aah!

So, you want to play
throwing coffee pots, huh?

I didn't throw
any coffee pot.

Well, if you didn't,
who did?

First, it was over there
and then it was over here.

It's got something
to do with that name.

What name?
Molly turgiss.

[Clang]

Lisa!
That's not very funny,

throwing a frying pan,
hitting me in the head!

I didn't throw it.

Well, if you didn't,
who did?

Perhaps it was
the same one who didn't

throw the coffee pot,
so we are even.

Frying pans
and coffee pots

don't go flying
around by themselves.

Wait a minute.

There's a word for
that--poltergeist.

What is that?

Well, it's a
supernatural phenomenon.

What is that, stupid
unnatural phenomenonon?

Well, some people
would say ghosts.

Ahh, now you're
talking my language.

When are you going to
learn to talk my language?

I know all about ghosts.

In the old country,
the houses were full of them.

Oh, come on.
There's no such thing.

don't you believe
in ghosts?

Certainly not.

Then say her name.

Well, I'm not
saying her name

just to prove to you
that I'm not afraid.

Then why aren't you
saying it?

Well, I'm not
saying it because--

[car horn honking]

Well, who's that?

[Honks]

Well, it couldn't be
you-know-who,

because she
wouldn't be honking,

she would walk right
through the walls.

Oh, for--

[honking]

All right, what are you
blowing the horn for?

Mr. Douglas,
have you signed up

with a real estate
agent yet?

Real estate
agent?

Yeah. You're
putting your place

up for sale,
ain't you?

What for?

I heard you was having
trouble with you-know-who.

When you lived here,

did any strange things
ever happen?

We had a new year's Eve
party one time--

no. I mean, things that
you couldn't explain.

Such as?

Well, did you ever notice
a wrinkled old hag

looking at you in the mirror
when you were shaving?

No, but my wife
always did.

Mr. Douglas, why did you
have to stir all this up?

I just wanted
to write a folk song.

Well, why don't
you write one

about William
Jennings Bryan?

He wouldn't give you
no trouble.

Oh, I don't--

or Louis pasture.
Or what's-his-name.

Look, Mr. haney--
who's what's-his-name?

That's
you-know-who's uncle.

Now, there's a story!

Yeah? What is it?

Mr. Douglas, ain't you
havin' enough trouble

with you-know-who

without tangling with
what's-his-name?

Just tell me the story.

Of what?

About Molly turgiss!

[Engine starts]

Now you did it.

[Shifts gears]

I'll have to walk all
the way into pixley.

Pixley?

Yeah, she always
drives it up there

and parks in front
of the fire hydrant.

Come on, you don't
believe that!

Believe what?

Oh, that you-know-who
drove off in his truck.

She did?

No, she didn't!
She--there's no...

Ha ha! Just passed Molly
driving haney's truck.

You said she didn't.

Oh, she didn't!

Well, Mr. kimball
just said he saw her.

Oh, I didn't see her.
I don't think I saw her.

No, I didn't see her.
Can't see old Molly.

Stole haney's truck
again, huh? Ha ha!

Ol' Molly's
quite a character.

Somebody ought to write
a solk fong about her.

Yes, that's what
I'd like to do,

but nobody'll
talk about her.

They won't even
mention her name.

Who, Molly turgiss?

Aren't you afraid?

Normally,
but it'll take ol' Molly

an hour to walk back
from pixley.

What is her story?

Well, it's pretty gruesome.

Well, it's not gruesome.

I've seen more horrible things
at the drive-in movie.

In the cars,
not on the screen.

What happened to her?

What happened to her?

Well, let's see
if I can tell the story

in chronological order.

No, I don't think
i can tell it that way.

I don't care
how you tell it,

just tell it before
she gets back from pixley!

What did she go
to pixley for?

[Sighs]

Oh! Well, anyway,
Molly was a very ugly child

and grew up to be
a horrible looking woman.

The poor thing.

Yeah. Nobody'd have
anything to do with her.

Kids used to hide in their house
when she'd walk by,

people'd draw their shades,

dogs would--
no, dogs liked her.

She was shaped like
a dog biscuit.

You've made your point.
She was very ugly.

Yes, she was.

Never had a boyfriend,
nobody'd take her out.

Well, this one fellow
did take her out.

It was my
great-great-grandfather.

Yeah, he got stuck with her
on a blind date.

She showed up with
this stringy hair--

wrinkles?
No teeth?

Oh, you got
stuck with her, too?

No. I thought I saw her in
the mirror when I was shaving.

Oh, yeah. Molly's
a great shaving watcher.

What finally
happened to her?

Well, nobody'd talk to her,
nobody'd look at her,

so finally one day
she left town and--

but she said
she'd come back some day

and haunt anybody
whoever mentioned her name.

What a sad story.

She was uglied
out of town.

Yeah. That's why
everybody's afraid

to mention Molly turgiss.

[Engine sputtering]

Uh-oh.
You-know-who is back.

It's no use.
I've got the keys.

Well, it could
have been worse.

You should have seen
the bill I got

for the bodywork
last time. Oh, boy.

That poor woman,
everybody making fun of her.

Nobody liked her
except the dogs.

don't you worry
about Molly.

If only I could
talk to her.

Well, that's easy.
Just mention her name...

When you're shaving.

Molly!

Molly turgiss.

Molly turgiss!

Hello, there!
I want to talk to you.

You're not there.

Oh, you're only there.

Can you talk?

Can you listen?

I want to tell you
how sorry I am

the way they
treated you here.

Well, there is nothing
to be sad about.

You're only as ugly
as you look.

When you were an ugly
little child in 1822,

they didn't have all these
things to make you beautiful

like wrinkle remover,
skin younger-upper,

eyes prettier,
hair un-stringer.

Of course, all this stuff
belongs to my sister.

Anyway, with this, I could
show you how to be beautiful.

Would you like that?

Then you must
promise me

not to throw things
at people anymore.

Promise?

All right,
let's go to work.

You did what?!

I talked to her.
I made her beautiful.

Well,
not beautiful, but...

Look, honey, I have
had a peculiar day--

darling, she promised
not to throw things

at people anymore.
Watch.

Molly turgiss!
Molly turgiss!

See? You try it.

Molly turgiss?

[Giggles] See, all it
needed was kind words

and 2 jars
of cold cream.

See, all it took was
a little kindness

and a couple of
jars of cold cream.

Fred: Are you
trying to tell us

that you-know-who ain't
gonna bother us no more?

You can mention her name.
Molly turgiss.

You see, everything
is all right.

I've written
a folk song about her.

The ballad of Molly turgiss.

I'll sing it for you.

I thought you said
everything was all right.

♪ This is the ballad
of ugly old Molly ♪

♪ ugly as sin,
by golly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by golly,
as ugly as sin ♪

♪ by golly, by golly,
as ugly as sin ♪

♪ then she met Lisa,
who came from the city ♪

♪ who said, don't you worry,
I'll make you pretty ♪

♪ you can't, says Molly,
I'm ugly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by golly,
by golly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by golly,
I'm ugly as sin ♪

♪ by golly ♪

♪ oh, Molly has... ♪

Hello,
miss turgiss!

Oh, you look
beautiful.

Do you hear the song my
husband wrote about you?

It isn't very good,

but at least
they won't forget you.

Now, you go wherever
you're supposed to go

and have a nice time.

[Oliver singing]

Oh, you promised.

[Laughs]
Well, all right.

Just this one.

♪ Oh, Molly's no longer
an ugly old crone ♪

♪ now she's as pretty
as Molly Malone ♪

[Crash]

Lisa! You said that--

well, she just wanted
one for the road.

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment