Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 25 - Double Drick - full transcript

Tired of repairing the rickety generator that Haney sold him, Oliver checks on the status of his electricity. Learning that his application was never mailed, Oliver decides to deal with the...

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Theme music playing]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Well, keep ringing, Sarah.
I'm sure they're home.

[Ring]

Oh, hello,
henrietta.



I hope the phone
didn't disturb you.

[Coos]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
It's Sam drucker.

Sorry to get you
up the pole.

Oh, that's all right.
I don't mind.

But don't call
unless it's important.

Uh, you're
disturbing henrietta.

Henrietta?

Yes, the pigeon.

She's sitting on the top
of the pole

on her eggs in
the little basket she made.

A basket?
Oh, you mean a nest.

2 of them look like her,

and 2 of them look
like her husband.

Well,
that's very nice.

Look, the reason
i called, Mrs. Douglas,

is to tell you I'm takin'
a 2-weeks vacation.

Oh. Have a good time.

Hello? Hello?

[Clicks]

Sarah, would you get
Mrs. Douglas back for me?

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Sam drucker again.

Well, I thought
you went on a vacation.

No, not yet. Look,
i called to tell you

that the store's gonna be
closed for a couple of weeks,

so if you need anything,

you'd better come in today
and order it.

I'll make up a list.
Good-bye.

Here. Here's your
paper and pencil.

Hmm?

Write on the top of
the paper "shopping list."

What for?

So if you lose it,
and somebody finds it,

they know what it is.

I see.

That's it?

Is that how you spell
"shopping,"

with one "o"
and 2 ps?

Mm-hmm.

I always spell it
with 2 os and one "p".

That's "shooping."

You mean, all this time
I've been shooping

instead of shopping?

I guess so.

Funny nobody
noticed it.

Why don't you figure
out what you need?

All right,
let me see.

Oh, I didn't know
i was so low.

Uh, put down
a bottle of nail Polish.

All right.

That's all I need
in this closet.

Now let me see what
i need in this closet.

Oh, put down
a jar of cold cream.

Where do you keep
the food?

Oh, over here
in this closet.

Darling, as long as
Mr. drucker

is away for 2 weeks,

you'd better order
another 50 pounds.

You've got
enough there

to keep me sick
for the rest of--

uh, no, we don't
need any, I mean.

Look, why don't you
order some food?

All right. Order
a box of eye shadow.

No, I mean
something to eat.

Uh, some cans
of something.

Well, order 8 cans
of something.

Is that enough
for 2 weeks?

Why don't you
let me order it?

All right, darling,
you do it.

Oh, wait a moment.

I have to order
something else. Come on.

We need a lipstick.

One lipstick.

This flavor.

Ok, I'll kiss
Mr. drucker

and see
if he has it.

Ben, I was
countin' on you.

Somebody's gotta take over
my deputy sheriff duties

while I'm away
seein' my sister.

No, she's not gonna
have another baby.

It's her 68th birthday.

I'll take over
bein' deputy for you.

Joe, put that down.

I'm just examining it
for the worms.

I de-wormed
the whole basket.

Ben, you've gotta
do this--

this one's got
a worm in it.

Well, you can have it.

Not the apple,
the worm.

Ben, look, i--

oh, all right.
I'll call Fred.

Joe: Hi,
Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Mr. Carson,
Mr. drucker.

Say, I understand
you're going on a vacation.

Yeah.

Well, we're gonna
miss you.

I ain't.

Nobody's talkin'
to you.

Is there something
you need, Mr. Douglas?

Yes, a few things.

That your
shooping list?

Uh, yes.

don't buy any apples.
They're full of worms.

Uh, first thing I need
is some nail Polish.

What kind
do you use?

It's for Mrs. Douglas.

There you are.
39 cents.

Isn't that
a little large?

Well, that's
the economy size.

The women use this
for a lot of things

besides their nails--
enamelin' pots,

glazin' China.

Uh, have you
any other colors?

No, this is the only one
it comes in--

"Teddy Roosevelt pink."

That's the same shade
Teddy's cheeks used to turn

when he got mad.

Oh.

Hello, Sam, Joe,
Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Mr. ziffel.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna enamel some pots?

That's for my wife.

How is that
beautiful little lady?

Oh, she's fine, thank you.
How's Mrs. ziffel?

Oh, what'd you want
to bring her up for?

Fred, I was gonna call you.
I thought maybe

you'd take over
bein' deputy sheriff for me

while I'm on my vacation.

Not me.
I'll do it.

Why not, Fred?

I'm too busy.

Sam, I told you,
I'd be glad to.

Joe, I ain't interested.

Why don't you keep
out of my way, newt?

What's the matter
with him?

Sam, there's your man.

What'd I do?

Nothin', newt.
How'd you like to be

deputy sheriff
for a couple of weeks?

Uh, no thanks.

I got too much to do
around my farm.

Gonna enamel
my bathtub.

Let me have a gallon
if that nail Polish,

will you, Sam?

Doggone it.

Who am I gonna get
to take over for me?

Gentlemen,
I'm surprised at you.

The community
has to have law and order.

Uh,
this gonna be

a long speech,
Mr. Douglas?

Uh, well,
no, i--

better sit down, newt.
It usually is.

Well, all I was
going to say

is that it's
every citizen's duty

to help in any way he can

to uphold
the law of the land,

no matter how arduous

or distasteful
this task might be.

This country was not
built by shirkers.

What would've happened
if j. Edgar hoover

had said, "oh, I'm too busy
to run the FBI"?

Why, the forces
of crime and evil

would run rampant
over the countryside.

Our whole system
of jurisprudence

is based on the enforcement
of the law...

Raise your right hand.

[Continues speech]

Do you solemnly swear
to carry out the duties

of deputy sheriff
of this county

to the best
of your ability?

Say "i do."
I do. No man--

congratulations,
deputy Douglas.

Oh, now, wait a minute.
I'm too busy.

Now, what would've
happened

if j. Edgar hoover
would've said that?

Yeah. The forces
of crime and evil

would've been runnin'
their ramparts

all over
the countryside.

Rampant,
rampant!

Well, however
they've been runnin',

I'm sure glad to see
you're takin' over.

I don't know
anything

about being
a deputy sheriff.

There's nothin' to it.
If anything happens,

all you have to do is,

you phone the sheriff
in pixley

or phone
the state police

now, let's see.

Here's everything
you'll need.

Your deputy sheriff
badge,

your handcuffs,

handcuff key,

blank traffic citations,

and your gun.

A gun?

Yeah. Where'd I put
the bullets?

I guess I lost 'em.

Well, you won't
need 'em anyway.

I'll just put all
this stuff in a bag for you--

handcuffs, key, bag,
traffic citations--

and then you can give me
the rest of your shooping list.

[Music playing]

[Honking horn]

Mr. Douglas.
Heh heh.

Mr. haney, I, uh--

somebody told you,

and you just couldn't
wait to see it.

See what?

This.

Ain't that lifelike?
And that's not all.

[Recorded roar]

Won't that make
a perfect watchdog?

I don't need a watchdog.

Well, then what
did you stop me for?

I don't know whether
you know it or not,

but Mr. drucker
just swore me in

as deputy sheriff
while he's away.

Heh. Stuck you
with the job, huh?

I see that your truck
has no license plate.

It don't?
No.

Well,
I'll be doggone.

It had a plate on it
when I bought it in 1922.

You've been driving
all these years

without
a license plate?

I guess so. Now,
about this alligator,

by pressin'
the other eyeball--

Mr. haney, I've got
to give you a ticket.

Just for pressin'
the other eyeball?

For driving without
a license plate.

Now, Mr. Douglas,

we're both
reasonable men.

You forget the ticket,
and I'll let you have

this fifty-dollar
growlin' alligator

for $25.

Are you trying
to bribe me?

Uh, no, I'm just tryin'
to give you a good buy

on a growlin' alligator.

I'm sorry, Mr. haney,

but as a duly sworn
officer of the law,

I have a duty
to perform.

Hi, uncle charleton!

Uncle charleton?

Uh, yeah. This is
my nephew heston haney.

Oh. Well,
how do you do?

Now, here,
read those over.

If that facts are correct,
why, just sign it.

What's that?

Mr. Douglas
is givin' me a ticket.

I'm a deputy
sheriff.

Let me see
your credentials.

Why, certainly.
Here they are.

You got a whole bag
full of 'em, huh?

Yes. Well, no. It's, uh--
this is a deputy kit.

Well, it's not a kit.
It's a bag.

Here, I'll show you.

Hold these.

And the, uh--

drop it!

No, it's not loaded.

Drop it.

It's not loaded.

Mr. drucker couldn't find
the bullets.

Here's my badge.

Oh. Very nice.

Well, guess he's got
the goods on you,

uncle charleton.

Uh, what did you do?

Oh, I haven't got
a license plate.

Somebody
stole it, huh?

Yeah, I guess
they did.

Well, you report it,
uncle charleton.

I'll do that first thing
i get home, heston.

A wonderful man.

Uh...Hey, what are you
tearing that up for?

Well, you can't
blame a man

if somebody steals
his license plate.

What would you do
if somebody stole yours?

Well, nobody
stole mine.

Oh, New York
plates, huh?

Yes.
You live there?

No, I live here.

How long?
7 months.

What's your first name,
deputy Douglas?

What are you doing?

Well, we have a law--

all out-of-state
residents

who reside in-state
more than 6 months

are required to replace

their out-of-state
plates with in-state.

Now, there you are.

There's your in-state
traffic citation

for havin'
out-of-state plates.

Now, Mr. officer,
I'm a deputy sheriff.

Like it says in front of
the supreme court building,

"equal justice
under the law."

[Music playing]

Eb! Eb!

Eb: Yes, sir.

Help me with
the groceries, will you?

Oh, boy!
Soup, spaghetti,

creamed corn.

We're really
gonna eat!

Yep.
Who's gonna cook it?

Mrs. Douglas.

Back to the hotcakes.

What's in here?

Oh! No, no,
let that alone.

That's my deputy
sheriff bag.

Uh, kit...Stuff.

How'd Mr. drucker
stick you?

Just bring the groceries
into the kitchen, will you?

Yes, sir,
Mr. Dillon.

[Music plays]

Oh, a Dee-putty!

Uh...A sheriff.

Oh, a fuzz.

A deputy.

A deputy fuzz.

Why are you that?

I'm taking over
for Mr. drucker

when he's on
his vacation.

Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.

I can hardly wait to
see you in your uniform.

Oh...Well,
i don't get a uniform.

You're
a plain clothes dick?

Where do you get
these words--

"dick" and "fuzz"?

On television.

I saw a gangster movie
with Edgar j. Robinson.

Edward g.

I'll bring in the rest of
the groceries, Mr. earp.

Who is Mr. earp?

He was
a famous marshal.

Hey, is that your
Dee-putty badge?

Would you like me to
arrest you for loitering?

No, sir.

Then bring in the rest
of the groceries.

Darling, what else
do you have in the bag?

Traffic tickets...
And the gun.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Put--put that away.

No bullets.
Oh.

Mr. drucker
couldn't find 'em.

Here.
What are these?

Handcuffs.
Oh?

Let me show you
how they work.

No, no, no.
Do you have the key?

Oh, sure. Right here
in the bag, yeah.

All right.
Arrest me.

No, no. Just one.

You see, you put one
on the criminal...

[Click]

And one on
the police officer.

That way the criminal can't
make a run for it, you see?

That's very clever.
Uh-huh.

Now, you'll notice
i put it on my left wrist

in case I have to make
a quick draw.

Darling, darling,
will you open it?

It's very tight.

Ah. Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, sure.

I don't suppose
I'll ever have to use it--

where's the key?

What? Well,
where is the key?

It's here.
Oliver!

It's got to be here!

I saw Mr. drucker
put it in.

Well,
where is the key?

It must be on
the front seat of the car.

Well, go get it.
Yeah.

Ow!
I'm sorry.

You'll have
to come with me.

In the car?
Yes.

Ow.

Come on, we'll--

darling, slow down!
You're hurting me.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I just want to get
this thing off

so that you won't--

now, yes, I've got--

oh. It's not here.

Well, what about this?

Only been
on the job an hour,

and you caught your first one.
What'd she do?

She didn't
do anything.

Oh, but I'm liable to.
Now, where's the key?

Oh!

It must've fallen
out of the bag

when I showed
the policeman

my deputy
sheriff kit.

Uh, bag...
The stuff, I mean.

Where is that?

It's about 4 miles
down the road.

Well, go and get it.

Yes, yes, you'll
have to come along.

Uh, wait...

Get over there
and slide over.

That doesn't work.

Well, I can't--
come here.

Uh, let's see.
I'll get in.

Yeah, all right.

Well, what am i
supposed to do,

run alongside?

Slide over.

[Car door closes]

Now what?

Well, drive us back down
the road where the pol--

oh, you don't drive.

You finally
remembered.

Uh, well, here.
Let me, uh, move over.

Uh...
[Sighs]

Uh, look, let me try--
give me--

oh! Oh! Oh!

Now, hold it.

Uh...Get out.

All right.

Here I am,

running
alongside again.

There must be some way
to do this!

[Music playing]

Ow.

[Grunts]

Come on, get out.

Well? What about
opening the door?

Lisa, I can't--

well, when a husband
stops opening doors,

the honeymoon is over.

Lisa!

I'm going to throw away
my black night gown.

No! No, no.

All right.

Let's start lookin'
for the key.

Ow!

Now, let's see.

It was right around
in here someplace.

Heston: Oh,
deputy Douglas.

What did she do?

This is my wife.

I am Mrs. deputy.

How do you do?

How do you do?
Oh!

Now, how did you get
into this mess?

I was showing her
how the handcuffs worked.

And you forgot
to get the key.

No, I didn't forget
the key.

You remember that--
that deputy kit--

uh, the bag that
i was showing you?

Well, i--
the key fell out.

Oh. Maybe
we can find it.

Let's look
around.

Yeah.
Ow!

[Sighs]

No, I don't see it.

don't you have
a handcuff key?

Ow!

It wouldn't fit.

These are
a different type.

That's
the Wyatt earp model.

Why don't we go back
to Mr. drucker?

Maybe he has
another key.

Smart girl. Should've
made her deputy.

[Music playing]

[Music playing]

You and your
handcuffs.

You put one
on the criminal,

the other one
goes on the fuzz.

Then you have your
right hand free--

will you be quiet?
We'll be out of these--

in 2 weeks.
What?

There are
a few things

I would like to call
deputy Douglas.

He didn't say he was
gonna leave today.

Maybe we can get in--

ohh, for the--

oh, come on!
Ow!

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas!

Oh, Mr. kimball.
Are we glad to see you.

The door's locked.
Sam went away.

Yes, I know.

Heard he made
you deputy.

That's quite
an honor.

Well, it's not
an honor. It--

what do
we have here?

Ohh. I put the handcuffs
on Mrs. Douglas.

What'd she do?

Mr. kimball--

never can tell, can you?
Such a beautiful

and innocent-looking--

well, not innocent-looking.

Yes, she is
innocent-looking.

Certainly fooled me.

Mr. kimball,

I didn't
do anything.

That's what they all say.

Good work, deputy Douglas.

Look, can you get us
out of these?

Out of what?

The handcuffs.
I lost the key.

Oh, well,
that shouldn't be too hard.

Well, it shouldn't be
too easy.

I'd say it was impossible.

Although Houdini
used to jump off a bridge

with his hands tied--

I don't suppose
you'd want to do that.

Is there a way you
can cut them off?

Cut what off?

These!
Ouch!

I'm sorry. If you had
something sharp,

maybe you could
break them.

Oh...

[Snaps]
I got it!

Come with me.

Well, here we are.

Nothing could be simpler
than this, now, could it?

Ha ha. Now,
if one of you

will lay down on that side
of the track right there.

Mr. d, would you lay down
on that side there?

That's fine.

Oh, to use the track
as an anvil, huh?

Yes, Mr. Douglas.
Now, the other one

will be on the other
side of the track.

That's it. Mrs. d,
Mrs. d, that's--

thank you, Mrs. Douglas.
That's very, very good.

Now, put the handcuffs
firmly on the rail there.

Uhh.
Oh, dear.

That's fine. Firm.
Very good!

Get something
to hit it with now.

Yes, sir. Now,
if you'll lay back there.

[Train whistle blowing]

Oh, boy!

Oh! Oh!

You fatheaded idiot!

Thanks a lot!

I'd watch that
if I were you, Mr. Douglas.

You could get killed
that way.

Oh, boy.

[Music playing]

I am not going
to do it.

You have to!
I don't have to!

How am I gonna make
the call

unless you come up
the pole with me?

Couldn't you call
long distance?

I am in no mood--

well, neither am I.

Well, then come on.

[Music playing]

Ow.

[Cooing]

Hurry up
and make the call!

Ow!

I can't reach it.

Can you get up
a little higher?

No, I can't!

Why don't you use
the other hand?

Ooh!

What?

I can't.
If I let go, I'll fall.

Well, who do you have
to call anyhow?

The sheriff.

He probably has
another key.

A fine mess
you got us into.

Henrietta, did your husband
ever get you

into a mess like this?

[Coos]

You see?

I don't care
about her husband.

That's a nice way
to talk.

Do you know
where her husband is?

In the army,
carrying messages.

Can't you come up
a step higher?

No, I couldn't.

Oh, let's go back to
the railroad track idea.

It was much safer.

Look,
don't you understand?

I can't reach the phone!

Well, then what
are we doing up here?

I don't know.
Climb down.

All right!

[Grunting]

I wonder where eb is.

He should've found
the sheriff by now.

He's been gone over--

oh, darling,
hold still!

You're messing up
everything.

Do you have
to do that now?

Well, what else
should I do?

I can't get
undressed,

I can't take
a bath.

Just be patient.

Eb is going
to bring the key.

No, I'm not.

The sheriff
didn't have one.

What did he suggest
i do?

I'd rather not say
in front of Mrs. earp.

Are we going to spend
2 weeks like this?

No.

Why don't you do

what Edgar j. Robinson did
on television?

He used a hairpin
to open the handcuffs.

Eb, instead of
standing there,

giving us
stupid advice,

why don't you and get
a welder or a plumber

or somebody
with a hacksaw?

Yes, sir.

Hairpins. They only work
on television.

Never in real life.

Lisa, you opened it!

How'd you do that?

With a hairpin
in real life.

I don't believe it.

Well, here, try it.

It's easy.

[Clicks]

Ha ha.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm going
to get undressed,

take a bath,
then go to bed,

and in the morning,
if you are still up,

I'll cook you
hotcakes.

Wait, Lisa.

Lisa! Lisa!

Wait!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa, how did you
do this?!

Lisa! Lisa!

Aaah!

[Theme music playing]

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