Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 23 - A Pig in a Poke - full transcript

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mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Thank you.

Distinguished members
of the supreme court,

Mr. governor, Mr. mayor,



members of the Harvard
alumni legal society,

Mr. George jessel--

Mr. jessel
isn't here.

Oh. Ah. Well...

Uh, for many years,
I've practiced corporate law

here in the city
of New York.

Then, about 6 months ago,

I prevailed upon
my lovely wife

to move to a farm

in the beautiful
hooterville valley.

He didn't
prevail me.

He tricked me.

Lisa, please.

Well, no matter
how I got there.

At any rate,
i settled down

to become a farmer.

I planted corn,
i planted wheat,

I bought
an apple orchard.

But I missed
the practice of law.

Yet he wouldn't
move back to New York.

Lisa...

At any rate,

a few weeks ago,
i hung out my shingle.

Well, I very soon
found out

that there's
a vast difference

between the practice of
corporate law and country law.

My guest here at
the speaker's table tonight,

Arnold ziffel,
is a case in point.

[Snorts]

I'd like to explain
why Arnold is here.

You see, when Mr. smead
called me...

Oh, yes, yes, Mr. smead.
I'd be glad to.

Oh, I'd be honored.

Oh, I'll be there.

Yes, I'll be there,
Mr. smead. Good-bye.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Darling? Darling,
what's the matter?

What's
the matter?

Nothing's
the matter.

We're going
to New York.

Oh! You sold
the farm.

Lisa...

No, I have been
invited

to be the keynote
speaker

for the Harvard alumni
legal society.

I can't go.
Why not?

Well, I haven't got
anything to wear

for the aluminum
society.

Alumni soci--

you got a whole closet
full of clothes.

What about
the yellow one?

Yellow what?

The yellow gown.

Oh, yeah,
that'll be fine.

All right.
I'll go buy one.

Lisa, wear
what you've got.

But darling--

no, no.
don't bother me anymore

about your clothes.

I've got to concentrate
on my speech.

"Distinguished members
of the supreme court,

"Mr. governor, Mr. mayor,

"and members of the Harvard
alumni legal society,

"George jessel,
ladies and gentlemen,

"it is indeed a great honor
to have been chosen

to talk to this annual meeting
on the subject of--"

darling? Darling,
do you like it?

Oh, yes. Ooh,
that's very nice, yes.

"On the sub--"

I can't wear it.
Why not?

I wore it once
to the El Morocco,

and everybody
saw it.

Oh, Lisa.
I'm sure the people

that'll be at this banquet
were not at El Morocco

the night you wore
that dress.

I can't take the chance.
It wouldn't be right

for my husband
making a speech

in a gown
everybody already saw.

I'm not wearing
the dress.

Neither am I.

"Distinguished members
of the--"

[knock on door]

Mr. Douglas,
it is i--

eb, your faithful
hired hand.

What do you want?

How long are
you gonna be

at the aluminum
meeting?

Alumni.

We'll be in New York
for about a week,

and I'm leaving you
in charge of the farm

while we're away.

Includin' Tuesday?

Of course.

That's my day off.

Well, you can't have
a day off while we're away.

You can have 2 days off
when we get back.

Which 2 days?

I don't know.

How about Saturday
and Sunday?

Fine.

Thursday and Friday
would be better.

Ok. Thursday
and Friday.

And Saturday
and Sunday?

No!

How about Tuesday?
That's my day off.

Look, eb,
I'm depending on you.

Darling,
do you like this one?

I sure do!

Since when are you
called "darling"?

That's what
my girlfriend calls me.

This is
the one I wore

to the opening
of the horse show,

and nobody looked
at the horses,

not even
the other horses.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, eb,
will you look after

Alice the chicken
while we are gone?

Yes, ma'am.

And bertrum,
her chicken husband?

Her chicken
husband?

She means the rooster.
You see--

I know what
she means!

don't you worry.
You just have a good time.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,
while you're in New York,

will you do me a favor
and call up my mother?

Your mother lives
in New York?

No, she lives out here,

but she loves to get
long distance calls.

[Music plays]

I don't care
what you got.

You can't take
Arnold.

Fred,
you owe haney money.

I don't owe him
nothin'.

Well, the court
says you do,

and they issued this here,
uh, attachment thing

for Arnold.

Uh-uh. No,
you can't take him.

Arnold,
get in the house.

Get in the house.

Keep out, keep out,
keep out.

Look, Fred,
i don't like haney

any more than you do,
but I got a job to do.

Well, do it
someplace else.

Fred, you're gonna get
yourself in trouble.

Now, I'm givin' you
just one hour to cool off,

and then I'm comin' back
and takin' Arnold.

[Dramatic music playing
on TV]

Who turned on
that TV set?

Arnold.

Fred, what are you
gonna do?

I'm gonna
shoot haney.

I'm not gonna
let you do it.

Well, what other way
is there?

The legal way.

This is legal. I got
a license for this gun.

I mean get a lawyer.

Oh, a lawyer.
I can shoot better

than any lawyer
around here.

Why don't you go see
Mr. Douglas?

Oh, lawyers.
All they do is talk.

Well, what I want
is action.

Yeah, well, if you don't
put that gun away,

you'll get all the
action you can handle.

Doris, we've been
married a long time,

and this is
the first time

you've ever raised
a hand to me.

I'm just tryin' to save
you from doing something

you'll be sorry for
the rest of your life.

Well, why didn't you do it
before we got married?

Oh, that's very funny.

Maybe I should
let you shoot haney...

And get arrested
and put in prison.

Then I'd only have to
visit you weekends.

Now, Doris,

you keep on
talkin' that way,

and our marriage
just ain't gonna work out.

[Music plays]

I've got to get
that board fixed!

Darling,
where is the trunk?

What do you need
a trunk for?

We're only gonna
be there a week.

Well, we can't check
into the ritz Plaza

with only
12 suitcases.

Everybody's going
to think we're nobodies.

I don't care
what they think.

[Taps]

They ain't home.
Let's go shoot haney.

Knock again.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. ziffel.

Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, hello, Arnold.

Come in. Come right in.

Oh, come in, Mrs. ziffel,
Mr. ziffel.

Thank you.

There. How nice
to see you again.

Ohh!
What a pretty hat.

Thank you.

She wasn't talking to you.
She was talking to me.

And take yours off.

Arnold.

Arnold, would you like
to play with mignon?

[Oinks]

Oh, mignon, there is
someone here to see you.

[Squeals]

[Laughs]

Won't you sit down?

No, Mrs. Douglas,
this ain't a social call.

We're here
on legal business.

Yeah, we want to
consult your husband.

Oh. Oliver!

The ziffels are here
to insult you.

Oh, how are you,
Mr. ziffel, Mrs. ziffel?

Not very good,
Mr. Douglas.

No. What's
the matter?

Darling, aren't you going
to say hello to Arnold?

Huh? Oh,
hello, Arnold.

[Oinks]

We need
your legal advice.

What's your problem?

Well,
the problem is,

I want
to shoot haney,

and Doris
won't let me.

Shoot haney?

Oh, he ain't
gonna do it.

I ought to,
though.

He's got a legal paper
to attach Arnold.

Oh, now, Mr. ziffel,

wouldn't it be kind of
foolish to shoot Mr. haney

just because of a pig?

Well, now,
Mr. Douglas,

he might be
a pig to you,

but to us, he's just
like one of the family.

In fact,
if we had a son,

we'd want him to be
just like Arnold.

Yeah, he's got
good manners,

and he's clean.

[Crying] He's such
a comfort to us.

Yeah,
Mr. Douglas,

he's a good pig.

He just sits there
all day

and watches
television.

don't even bother us

to turn it on
for him.

Are you trying to tell me
that Arnold can--

[music and gunshots]

What's that?

Now, Arnold, nobody
gave you permission

to turn on
the Douglas' set.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. ziffel.

No, it's not.
Arnold, turn it off.

No, I'll
turn it off.

You are gonna help us,
aren't you, Mr. Douglas?

Why did Mr. haney
attach Arnold?

Well, he claims
i owe him $122.

He must've gotten
a judgment against you.

I don't care
what he got.

I don't owe him
the money.

Yeah, we bought
this sofa from him,

and the first time
i sat on it, it fell apart.

I bought a few things
from Mr. haney myself.

Yes, like the farm,
the house,

the tractor,
the cows...

I know
what I bought.

Then why don't
we sue him?

Isn't there anything
we can do, Mr. Douglas?

We can appeal.

And as soon as I get
back from New York--

oh, we can't wait.

If haney ever gets
his hands on Arnold,

krrrr!
Links on a dish.

Oh, Fred,
don't say that.

Darling, you must
do something.

But we're leaving.

Not until
you do something.

[Sighs] All right.

I'll go over and I'll
talk to Mr. haney.

[Oinks]

You're welcome,
Arnold.

Oh, don't worry.

My husband will get
your son the pig

out of trouble
in no time at all.

[Music plays]

[Music playing]

Uh, just a minute.

Come in.

Well, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. haney.

Mr. Douglas,
how would you like

to buy a genuine
wormwood table?

No, thank you.

It's all handmade

by genuine
Peruvian worms.

I'm not interested.

I know what
you're looking for.

This beautiful
giant egg slicer.

That's a harp.

Correct.
An egg slicer harp,

made personal
by Horace egg slicer,

the last of
the great harp makers.

Mr. haney, I'm here
on a legal matter.

Be glad to give you
any advice I can.

Now, you just sit down

in this genuine
antique rocking chair.

I don't want
to sit down--

you know, you're
the first person

that's sat in that chair
since whistler's mother.

Mr. haney,

I want to talk
to you about Arnold.

What about him?

I don't think it was right
for you to attach him.

Well, that's just
a matter of opinion.

I sold Fred ziffel
a sofa in good faith.

He didn't pay me
in good faith,

so I attached Arnold
in good faith.

So you can see
the whole thing happened

in good faith.

I don't consider it
good faith

to attach a man's
most prized possession.

Well, now, that sofa
was pretty prized.

It was a genuine
Duncan p-phyfe.

Oh, come on.

Mr. haney, I think

you misrepresented
that sofa to Mr. ziffel,

and I'm going
to advise him

to bring suit
against you for fraud.

Mr. Douglas,

do you know
what you did?

You destroyed
an irreplaceable

piece of
antiquity.

Oh. They were loose.

They didn't come off

when whistler's
mother stood up.

You owe me $145.

You can glue 'em
back on!

They're unglueable.

$145.

I don't owe you
a thing!

Oh! You just killed

16 of my best
Peruvian worms!

I'll have to add
another $12

to the 145.

Now, if you want to
make me out a check--

I don't want
to make you out a thing.

Good-bye, Mr. haney!

[Crash]

Fred, where's Arnold?

I ain't
gonna tell ya.

Mr. ziffel,

you've got to turn Arnold
over to the sheriff.

Otherwise, you'll be
in contempt of court.

Yeah, you'd better
listen to Mr. Douglas.

Now, is Arnold
in the house there?

I ain't sayin'.

All right. I'll go in
and see for myself.

Just a minute.
You have a search warrant?

A sear--
what's that?

Well, that's a warrant
to search the premises.

Is he makin'
that up, Fred?

I don't know.

I don't think so,
though.

He went to that fancy
law school--Hartford.

I never heard of it.

It's Harvard.

I never heard
of that, either.

Look, Mr. ziffel,
I've got to leave.

Now, you turn Arnold
over to the sheriff,

and when I come back,

we'll settle this
whole thing with Mr. haney.

Good-bye.

Fred, uh,

is he a little...Tetched?

No, he's just
a city fella.

Oh.

So, I told Mr. ziffel
to turn the pig over

to the sheriff,
but he refused.

I don't blame him
for hiding Arnold.

I didn't say
he hid him.

Well,
somebody said it.

You said it.

I did? Oh, that's where
i must've heard it.

Lisa...

Do you know
where Arnold is?

How should I know?

I don't know.

I just thought
maybe you might.

[Oinking]

What's that?

I didn't hear
anything.

[Oinking]

Lisa, i--

I didn't hear it again.

All right, Lisa,

where is he?

Where is who?
Arnold.

[Oinking]

What's
he doing here?

Who?

Him.

Oh, what a pretty
little pussycat.

The sheriff
is looking for him.

You're harboring
a fugitive.

What are you
going to do?

I'm going to tell
the sheriff where he is.

You're a fink.

What?

I heard it
on television.

You see, there was
this gangster in Chicago

who was being chased
by eliot mess.

Eliot mess.

Yes, and then
this other fellow

told Mr. mess
where the gangster was,

and his friend
called him a fink.

Now, if you tell it
to the sheriff,

you're one of them.

Lisa, I'm an officer
of the court.

I am duty bound
to turn him in.

How can you do this
to the ziffels?

Their only son.

Look, he's not a person.
He's a a pig.

A pig is a person
to another pig.

Lisa--

now, if I were a pig,
and you were a pig,

I would be a person to you,
and vice versa.

I am not a pig!

No, you're a fink.

Whatever I am,

I have
to turn him in.

[Oinks]

Arnold...

[Kisses] Here, boy.

Come here, Arnold.
That's the stuff.

Suey! Suey!

Arnold?

Arnold, come on.

[Oinks]

Come out of there.

Go back, Arnold.

Arnold!
Come on, Arnold. Come on.

don't do it!

Lisa, you're
compounding a felony.

Come on.

Arnold, come on.

Arnold, co--

ow!

Arnold!
Where are you?

Arnold!

Come on, Arnold,
where--

Arnold, come here.

Here, piggy,
piggy, piggy.

Arnold.

Arnold?

Did you find him?

Oliver: Arnold,
come on.

Arnold? Arnold?

He's gone.

Lisa!

What's
the matter?

I'm stuck!

You're
being punished

for being mean
to Arnold.

Who's punishing me?

Well, I don't want
to mention any names.

Get eb!

All right.
Now, don't go away!

Ow! Ohh!

Did you say something?

Yeah, will you
get off the board?

You're standing
on my head!

Oh! Oh!
Now, stay there.

I'll be right back.

[Music playing]

Eb?

Oh, Mr. kimball.

Hell, Mrs. Douglas.
Is Mr. Douglas around?

Yes, he's under
the house. Eb!

Oh, well, if he's busy,
I'll come back tomorrow.

No, I can't come back
tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow...
Doing all the things

I forgot to do today.
Heh. Whatever they are.

He is not busy.
He's stuck under the house.

Where is that eb?

Stuck, huh?

Well, I can't say
I'm surprised.

I guess
i could say it.

I'm surprised.

I don't know why I said
i couldn't say it.

Mr. kimball,
will you please go in

and see if you can help him?
And I'll go and find eb.

Oh, be glad to.
Eb!

[Sighs]

Lisa!

Mr. Douglas?

Ow! Ow!

Oh, there you are.

You know you got
a loose board here?

Mm!

Uhh! Cut that out,
will ya?!

Get me out of here!

Right away.
You ought to get

this thing fixed
before somebody gets hurt.

Well...

How are we doing?

We're not doing good
at all!

Can you help me
get out of here?

Of where?

Oh. Heh. You mean
out of here.

I thought I gave you
all those pamphlets

on safety first
around the farm.

Now, if you'd have
read them,

you wouldn't have fallen
in the bathtub?

I didn't fall
in the bathtub!

Oliver! I got eb--

ohh!

don't worry, Mr. Douglas.
I'll get you out.

Oh! Ohh!

I think I know how
to do it, Mr. Douglas.

I'll crawl under
and grab your legs,

then Mr. kimball
can grab my legs

and pull us both out.

Well, that sounds like
a very sensible pl--

well, not a sensible--

well,
why don't we try it?

[Music playing]

Eb: Ok,
I've got his legs!

Start pullin'!

All right, pull!

Get--ooh!

You only got
half of him!

Darling, maybe--
Oliver!

You're wearing
those terrible

polka dot shorts
i don't like!

Ohh.

I've got it.
The fire department.

[Siren blaring,
bell ringing]

[Tires screech]

Stop your sireen!

Stop your bell!

In the bedroom!

The bedroom, men!

The fire department's here.

Better put
your pants on!

Oh, Mr. haney,
good to see you.

Well, it's not good
to see you.

Never mind that!
Where's the fire?

Fire? Oh, it's under
the floor there!

More hose!

No, no! No, no!

Pressure!

No, Mr. haney!

Hey, ya fathead!

Turn that water off!

You idiot!

[Music playing]

Distinguished members
of the supreme court,

Mr. governor--

[knock on door]

Come in!

Here's your trunk,
Mr. Douglas.

Oliver: Yes,
put it right there.

There you are.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Distinguished members
of the supreme court--

darling, how do you
like my gown?

Oh, beautiful,
beautiful.

Uh, disting--

how do you like
my shoes?

Uh...

Lovely, lovely.

Look, could you let me
go over my speech once more?

I'd like to make sure
I've got the thing pat.

Distinguished members
of the supreme court,

Mr. governor--
[Oinking]

What'd you say?

I didn't say anything.

I thought
you said something.

Distinguished members
of the supreme court,

Mr. governor--

[oinking]

You said it again.

I didn't say it.
The trunk said it.

The trunk?

[Oinking]

Arnold! You're--

Lisa,
did you put--

no, it was his idea.

What are we gonna do?

We can't keep him
in a hotel--

Arnold,
get out of there!

Get out from under--
Arnold!

Arnold!

[Telephone rings]

Now, come on, Arnold.
Come on, that's a good...

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. smead.

Oh, I'll see
if I can get him.

He's under the bed,
talking to a pig.

What'd you have
to tell him that for?

Oh, he'll be
right here. Hold on.

Hello, Mr. smead.

Yes, I know
what she said, yes.

Well, when we opened
the trunk,

uh, we found
Arnold inside.

Arnold--
that's the pig's name.

Yes. Arnold.
Yes, well, he's the son

of a friend of ours,
and--

well, he's not their son.
No, he's a--he's a--

he's a--

well, he's a very
unusual pig. He--

[music playing on TV]

Arnold, turn off that TV.

Heh, Arnold loves
to turn on the TV.

He--

yes, he's a pig. He--

who's stoned?!

If that's the way
you feel about it,

I'll bring him along
with me!

Yes.

And that,
ladies and gentlemen.

Is why we brought Arnold ziffel
with us tonight.

As you can see, Arn--

Arnold,
where did you get that--

oh, they met
in the bar.

In the bar?

Oh, it's perfectly
all right.

Her mother
introduced them.

[Music plays]

[Theme music playing]

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