Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Day of Decision - full transcript

Lisa agreed to try out the farm for six months. Today's the day she decides whether to stay in Hooterville or return to New York. Everyone anxiously awaits her decision. In the meantime, Oliver flashes back to their first days on the farm, his physical mishaps around the house, and the lousy products Haney's tried to sell him.

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Humming green acres]

Lisa: ♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

Morning, Eleanor.

[Moos]

You know what today is,
Eleanor?

[Moos]



[Slaps]

D-day.
This is the day

miss Douglas
is supposed to decide

whether or not she's going
to stay on the farm

or go back to New York.

Wonder if she'll stay.

[Milking cow]
She will.

She won't.

She will.
She won't.

She will.

I won't.

She will.
I won't.

She will.

Maybe.

Lisa...

Did you say maybe?

Uhh.

I wish I knew
what was going on

in that silly little
blond head of hers.

[Gears whirring]

Oliver: 6 months.

I remember
what Lisa said

when I went back
to New York

and told her
that I'd bought this farm.

Aah!

I remember the expression
on her face

the first time
she saw the farm.

I remember your reaction

when you first saw
the house.

[Barking]

And my mother's reaction
the first time she saw it.

I don't know why everybody
reacted that way.

It wasn't that bad.

Eb: Mr. Douglas,
are you awake?

[Door crashes]

I came to find out
if you were awake--

shh!

Has miss Douglas
decided

whether she's going
to stay or not?

I don't know.
She's still asleep.

I got to know.
If you don't stay,

I'm going to have
to look for another job.

Even if we do stay, you may
have to look for another one.

I don't have a very
bright future, do I?

Mm-mmm.

Mr. Douglas,
what I can't figure out

is how you ever got
miss Douglas

to come out here
at all.

Well, it was very simple.

I--i just talked her
into it.

Oh, Lisa,

I know you'll love it.

It's got a farmhouse
and a barn

and trees and land

that's just made
for growing things.

Why don't you fill up
a few pots

and bring them back?

Lisa, you know how much
this means to me, don't you?

If I didn't,
I'd move in with mother.

Try it for me,
will you, please?

For how long?

Oh, just long enough to see
whether or not you like it.

5 years?

Write me
once in a while.

Do it.

It doesn't have
to be a letter.

A postcard.

Just so that I know
you're all right.

Look, you tell me
how long.

One month.

One month is not enough
to find out.

2.

9.

4.

6.

Well...

Please?

All right.
6 months.

Darling, thank you.

Just a little soft soap
and a handshake.

That's all there was
to it, huh?

Yep, yep.
Now run along, will you?

Ok. You ain't got
any idea

what the final decision's
gonna be?

As soon as I find out,
you'll be the first to know.

Ok.

I wonder what's running
through her mind.

[Train engine chugging]

[Train whistle blows]

She will.

She won't.

She will.

She won't.

She will.

[Crunch]

What are you doing?

Oh, howdy doody.

Howdy doody.

Well, what's it
going to be?

Is Mrs. Douglas going
to stay, or isn't she?

She will.
She won't.

She will.
She won't.

Shh!

Mrs. Douglas
is still asleep.

Has she given you
any hints?

Hints?

Yeah, like
packing her bags.

She hasn't
packed her bags.

What'd you do,
hide them?

No.

Mr. Douglas, we just can't
stand the suspense.

Yeah, me and Ralph
have to know.

Why?

Because if you're
going back to New York,

we'd like to get paid.

In cash.

Whether or not
we go back to New York,

you don't get paid

until you finish
that bedroom.

What's the sense
in finishing the bedroom

if you're not
going to stay?

They will.
They won't.

They will!
They won't!

Lisa: Oliver!

Oh, she's awake.

Well, let's go in
and ask her.

Just a minute.

I'll ask her myself.

Hoo.

Ooh.

Oh, good morning,
sweetheart.

Oh, good morning,
dear.

You look so rested.

You sleep much better
out here in the country.

I do? I haven't
slept at all.

I had the most
horrible nightmares.

First, there were
machines in my head--

clang, bang.

And then a train
went through

with whistles and bells--
ding dong.

And in the clanging
and the banging

and the dinging
and the donging,

I couldn't sleep at all.

Oh.

You had nightmares
in the city.

Only about coming
out here. Oh.

Now, come,
you like living here.

I do?

don't you?

I know what today is.

You do?

Today's the 6 months
day when I decide

whether I'm going
back to New York

or whether I'm not
going to stay here.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

Well, let me put it
to you in other words.

Where are my suitcases?

Oh, now, come on.
don't tease me.

All right.
I cook you breakfast.

Lisa.

Lisa, don't keep me
in suspense.

Well, I haven't
made up my mind.

It's a very
important decision.

I know.

Well, you see,
if I decide to stay...

Then you'll be happy,
and I'll be unhappy.

And if I decide
not to stay,

then you'll be unhappy,
and I will be happy.

Now, when
we got married,

we got married
for better or worse.

The question is
whether it's better

if it's worse for you

or if it's worse
if it's better for me.

Lisa, I know we'll
both be happy here.

[Whimpers]

Look, mignon
is happy living here.

When we lived in the city,
she had no place to run.

Now she can run
through the fields.

She can chase
rabbits.

Mignon...

Go on.
Chase a rabbit.

Hey, come on, mignon.

[Yawns]

That's it.
That's the stuff.

Enjoy yourself.

She loves it here.

Oh, Lisa...

You will stay,
won't you?

That isn't fair. You're
tampering with the jury.

I'm not tampering.

Whatever you are doing,
i wish you'd stop doing it,

because I can't make up
my mind while I'm tingling.

You're tingling?

Well, that's what I always
do when you kiss me.

Do you love me?

Of course I love you.

Then you will stay?

What do you want
for breakfast, hotcakes?

No, no. Look, I'll cook
breakfast this morning.

You don't know
how to cook hotcakes.

Well, neither do you--

I mean, I can't cook them
as well as you, but...

I know what you mean.
I can't cook.

But you're learning.

When we came here
6 months ago,

you couldn't do
anything.

Now you can...

Uh, well,
you know how...

Well, you can't learn
everything in 6 months.

I haven't learned
anything.

Yes, you have.

You've made a home
for us.

Look what you did
to this kitchen.

Do you remember
what this looked like

when we first
walked into it?

Dear, wait until
our stuff gets here.

We'll put
the refrigerator there,

the stove there,
the dishwasher there.

Oliver, do you mind
if I ask you a question?

Why, of course.
This is your house, too.

Where are
the electrical outlets?

Electrical outlets?
They're always at...

Ahem. Yeah, you'll find
the electrical outlets...

There aren't any,

and I haven't seen
any lights.

This house doesn't have
any electricity.

Electricity's no problem.

I'll just telephone
the light company.

How?
Well, on the phone.

What phone?

On the telephone.
There's a--

you'll get them
on the tele--

I'll take care of it.

No phone,
no electricity,

no bathtub, no sink--
nothing.

I'm going to get
all those things.

Get the phone first...

Then you can call me
in New York.

Lisa!

You promised you'd
try it out for 6 months.

Did I?

Yes, and a promise
is a promise.

All right, if I promised
I'd stay for 6 weeks--

no! 6 months!

Dear, it won't always
look like this.

We'll fix it up--

paint the walls,
varnish the floors.

Look at that floor.

That's solid oak.

[Crack]

Darling!

You all right?

You should see the size
of this cellar.

Oliver,
that's one reason

I don't think
we should stay here.

You're always falling
through something.

What did I ever
fall through?

Well,
the kitchen ceiling...

The living room ceiling.

You fell off
the telephone pole.

[Thud]

Now, that's got nothing
to do with this.

Are you going to stay,
or aren't you?

Now, darling, you must
give me some more time

to think it over.
I--

[whimpers]

Was that...

Yes, it was.

It was a city dog
chasing a country rabbit,

only the wrong way.

Mignon!

Lisa...

She won't.

She will.

She won't.

She will, she will,
she will, she will.

That don't prove nothing.

It proves I'm a better
checker player than you are.

I don't care how many
times you jump me.

I say she ain't
staying here.

What makes you
so sure?

Most women
ain't like us men.

They can't stand
the hardships

of country living,

like, uh, cleaning fish.

What's that got to do
with Mrs. Douglas?

Did you ever see her
clean a fish?

No.
See?

Well, I hope they stay.

I do, too. Maybe
I'll get another chance

to sell that bottom land
of mine to Mr. Douglas.

You mean
that piece of land

that's buried
under Simpson's swamp?

He'd never buy that.

I almost sold it
to him once.

When?
6 months ago...

When he first
came in here and told us

he bought
the haney place.

All:
The haney place?

[Squeals]

That's right.

Mr. Douglas, if you want
to buy some land

for speculation,
i got some bottom land--

oh, no, no. No, no,

I didn't buy this
for speculation.

I'm going to live there
and farm it.

All:
The haney place?

My wife and I are going
to be your neighbors.

Has your wife
seen it?

No.

Have you seen it?
Oh, yes.

And you bought it?

Mm-hmm.
That's right.

What business you in?

I'm an attorney.

Maybe you can sue haney
and get your money back.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

this has been
the dream of my life--

to buy a farm,

move away from the city,

plow my own fields,
plant my own soil,

to get my hands dirty.

To sweat and strain
to make things grow,

to join hands with you,
the farmers--

the backbone of our economy.

Sam, Mr. Douglas
ought to have

that bottom land
of mine.

Well, Mr. Douglas,

all I can tell you is
we'll be mighty happy

to have
you and your wife

living here
in the valley.

[Oinks]

And he'd have bought
that bottom land

if you would've kept
your mouth shut.

Joe.

Well, good morning,
gentlemen.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Say, about
that bottom land

you was interested
in buying from me...

What bottom land?

Joe.

There you go
spoiling the deal again.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
what's the big decision?

Yeah, is your wife going
to stay, or ain't she?

Well, she hasn't
made up her mind yet.

You sure you want her
to stay?

Well, of course I do.

Maybe you're going
about it the wrong way.

If you want to get on
the good side of a woman,

you ply her
with gifts.

What about
some perfume?

Imported--from pixley.

What kind of a gift
for a woman is perfume?

How about
a fish scaler?

My wife
doesn't clean fish.

Told you so.

Look, let me see
the perfume.

What's that?

Huh?
Oh, a shower curtain.

I'll take that.

Wrap it up.

A shower curtain?

Well, you see, this has
a special significance.

When I first brought
my wife out to the farm,

I was showing her
around the place.

We got to
the bathroom, and...

This is
the bathroom.

Where is the bathtub
and the sink?

Oliver, how could you
buy a house without seeing

if it had a bathtub
and a sink in it?

Oh, I'm not interested
in the house.

I'm interested
in the farm.

What's that?

The shower.

I'll get a curtain
for it.

You know, I never did buy
that shower curtain.

That's what
you're giving your wife

to get her
to stay here?

That's right.

It was nice
knowing you.

Haney:
She won't. She will.

She won't. She will.

She won't. She will.

She won't.

Mr. haney.

Any news?
Mrs. Douglas decided?

No, not yet.

Well, we'll soon
find out.

She will.
She won't.

She will.
She won't.

I've gotten some pretty
accurate forecasts plucking.

Oh, come on.

I plucked a chicken

just before I proposed
to the little woman.

I plucked a "yes"

right out of a 3-year-old
Rhode Island red.

Mr. haney.

To this day, I can't look
at a defeathered chicken

without thinking
of my wife.

Well, I don't think
you've got anything

to worry about
too much.

Yes. I wish I was
as confident as you are.

Oh, Mr. Douglas,

what about the grandfather's
clock you ordered?

What
grandfather's clock?

That one.

I didn't order that.

You will if you want to get
Mrs. Douglas to stay here.

That one-handed
piece of junk

is going to get her
to stay here?

Yes, sir.
It's the one touch

your living room
needs to convince her.

When she hears it
chiming

every other hour
on the half hour,

she'll know that
she can never again

find happiness
in the city.

No, thanks.

Ever since you sold me
this farm 6 months ago,

you have
palmed off on me

every conceivable type
of worthless junk.

Such as?

Such as the hoyt
clagwell tractor.

[Boom]

And the generator
that's always blowing up.

[Electricity crackles]

And the hot water
heater.

[Boom]

Well, there's always
a few little things

that don't work
exactly right.

Uhh. Here,
go pluck a chicken.

[Bell rings, gears whir]

[Boom]

[Ringing and whirring
stops]

Right on time.

She made up
her mind yet?

No.

Well?

Not yet.

[Door closes]

Lisa?

Darling, darling, come here.
I want to talk to you.

Pull up a chair.
Sit down.

Well, all day long,

I've been sitting here
and thinking,

and the more I thought,

the more I thought I thought
i should think some more.

Should I go,
or shouldn't I?

It's a very important
decision.

Yes, it is.

That's why
i didn't want to jump

on any hasty concussions.

Oliver...

Yes?

I--i don't want you
to think

that I've been
unhappy here.

Well, then you haven't
been unhappy.

Well, yes, I have,
but not all of the time.

But once in a while
of the time.

But on the other hand...

What are you trying
to tell me?

Darling...

Darling, I'm sorry,

but I think we ought
to go back to the city.

Oh.

Darling...

Darling, you're not mad
at me, are you?

No, no.

I--i kept my promise.
I tried it for 6 months.

Yes, you did.

I tried hard.

Yeah, you did. You tried
hard, and I'm grateful.

You know, most men have
dreams they don't realize.

At least you made mine
come true,

even if it was only
for 6 months.

I'm glad you're being
such a good sport about it.

I'm not being
a good sport about it!

Let's just pack up the bags
and get out of here!

Uhh! Oh! Ow!

Sorry.

Here's your bill.

Out!

Well, good afternoon.

Hi.

Well, it's not
a good afternoon.

It's a bad afternoon.

Well, not bad--sad.

Yes, I guess it's
a sad, bad afternoon.

You heard
the news, huh?

Well, I didn't hear it.
I read about it.

Sam got out an extra.

This rates an extra?

Well, people in the valley
are going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you.

You know,
in the last 6 months,

I've become
quite fond of you.

Well, not fond.

Yeah, fond.
I like you.

Well, thank you.

You've been
a good friend,

and I never will
forget you, mister...

Uh...

Uh...

Douglas.

No, Hank.

Hank kimball's my name.

Gee, you forgot
my name already.

No, no, i--

oh, I'm sorry
to see you go.

I always thought you had
the makings of a good farmer.

Well, not a good farmer.

Well, I mean,
you took this place

when it was nothing,
and you made it into a...

Oh, boy.

Oh, Mr. kimball.

Oh, I just
came over

to say good-bye
to you, Mrs. Douglas,

and to mister, uh...

Ahem. Yes, sir, I sure am
going to miss you people.

Well, not miss you.

I'm--I'm gonna...

[Sobbing]

There, there,
Mr. kimball.

[Blows noisily]

Now, Mr. kimball,
now, stop crying.

Ralph: Oh!

Oh, for heaven's
sake!

Stop blubbering, Ralph,
and sound retreat.

[Sobs]

[Playing]

On this sad occasion,

we are gathered here
to bid a fond farewell...

[Gulp]

[No audio]

Well, keep blowing.

I--i can't. I think
i swallowed the mouthpiece.

[Gags]

Oh, here it is.

Oh.

On this sad occasion,
we are gathered here--

please, please.

I appreciate
your sentiments,

but I've got to finish
loading the car.

[Moo]

Mr. Douglas,
me and Eleanor

want to say
good-bye to you

before we take
our afternoon naps.

Good-bye, Mrs. Douglas,
Mr. Douglas.

I sure am
going to miss you.

You been just like
my own kinfolks.

Oh, thank you, eb.

It sure is going
to be lonely here

with you and dad.

Dad?

I kind of feel
that way about you.

Darling,
don't you think

we should take eb
with us?

Wouldn't you like
to come, eb--

I'll send
for my valise.

Get out of there!

I'll get the bags.

Oh, you've been
a nice cow, Eleanor.

What's going to happen
to her after we leave?

Oh, tomorrow, I'll take her
over to the slaughterhouse

and...Krk!

Slaughters house?

Oh, yeah.
A cow like Eleanor

isn't much use
except for a good pot roast.

Well, it won't be
a good pot roast, but...

Well, what's going
to happen to Alice

and all her little
daughter chickens?

[Chirping]

Alice will probably
end up in a fricassee.

Fricassee?

Sound taps, Ralph.

[Playing taps]

Oliver!

Darling, do you know
what they're going to do

as soon as
we leave here?

They're going
to fricassee Alice

and pots roast
Eleanor.

Oh, well, we're not
going to be here. We--

well, they're not
going to do it.

What are you going to do,
take them to New York

and keep them
in the penthouse with you?

Well, you know
perfectly well

they don't allow
any penthouse chickens,

cows, and children.

I know they don't, so...

Well, put those down.
We're not going to go.

We're going to stay here
and look after them.

Stay here?

Yes.

You mean stay here
forever?

One month.

Uh, 3 years.

2 months.

6 months.

Well...

Please?

All right, 6 months.

Oh, Lisa, thank you.

Oh, thank--

Oliver.
What?

How come every time
i say 6 months

you shake hands
with me?

Well...

[Whimpering]

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