Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 21 - What's in a Name? - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Theme music playing]

Alf: Where'll
we put it, Ralph?

How about right here?

Yeah, I guess everybody
could see it there.

[Hammering]

What's the matter?



The Monroe brothers
are hammering.

Will you stop
that hammering?!

Cut it out!

Did you hear
something?

Like what?

Like Mr. Douglas.

Nah, he's asleep.

What do you suppose
is doing that?

Termites. Heh!

You'd better go
take a look.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Darling, if you are going
outside to yell at them,

you'd better
put on your robe.

Now look at--
howdy doody.

don't howdy doody
in our closet.

Sorry.

What's going on
out there?

Alf's puttin' up
a sign.

What kind of a sign?

A sign saying
that him and me

are remodeling
your bedroom.

Well, I don't want
a sign on the house.

Tell him
to take it down.

Yes, sir.

Oh, is, uh,
hanky comin' over today?

Hanky?

Hank kimball,
the county agent.

Oh.

Yes, he's coming over
to discuss

irrigating my corn.

Why do you want
to irritate your corn?

Irrigate. It's, uh...
To put water on it.

Well, won't that
irritate it?

No, it doesn't.

What time
is he comin' over?

I don't know.
Sometime this morning.

Can I borrow
your lipstick?

No!

I'm talking
to Mrs. Douglas.

Yes. What color
would you like?

Well, uh, what do you think
would look good on me?

Well, I think
for your complexion

maybe--maybe
a tangerine red

or a very soft pink.

How about
an unemployment blue?

Now you get out there
and tell your brother

to take
that sign down.

Yes, sir.

How did I ever let
myself get involved

letting these 2
rebuild this room?

Sorehead wants
the sign down.

What for?
I don't know.

I ain't takin' it down.

He's talking
about unemployment.

I'm takin' it down.

Sign's down.

But you made a hole
in the wall.

Want me to put
the sign back up?

No. Repair the hole.
And while we're about it,

there are several
other things I want done.

Like what?

Like finishing
the bedroom.

What's wrong
with it?

I've told you
a dozen times.

Oh, we don't
take notes.

Well, make some.

I'll get
a hunk of paper.

You don't happen
to know what time

Mr. kimball's comin' over
today, do you?

No, I don't.

I'll get you
your lipstick.

I got the paper.
Shoot.

don't tempt me.

Now, first of all--

here's your
lipstick.

Oh.

Oh, it's
a pretty shade.

Do you mind?

First of all,
the closet door.

What about it?

Well, don't you see
the way it falls

when you open it?

Oh, you want it to fall
the other way.

No, I don't want it
to fall at all.

One closet door not to fall
in either direction.

Check.

And I want
the fireplace finished.

One fireplace
finished.

Uh, how do you
spell "fireplace"?

Uh, f-i--

I don't care
how you spell it.

I just don't want
to make any mistakes

and throw you into
another rage.

I'm not in a rage!
Ah-ah.

And another thing--

I want a wall
in the back of the closet.

A wall on the back
of the closet?

I guess it's
a fetish with him.

Gets pretty hot
around here in the summer.

With the wall out, you'd get
a good cross ventilation.

If it gets hot,

I'll put in
an air conditioner.

One air conditioner.
Check!

No, no! I don't want
you to put it in!

Oh. Scratch
the air conditioner.

Scratchin'
one air conditioner.

How do you spell
"scratch"?

Uh, s-k--

[sighs]
I don't know how you--

look, just get all
these things done!

Right? Right!

I wonder if hanky
is that cranky

in the morning.

Are you sweet
on Mr. kimball?

[Giggling]

Oh, listen to that,
will you?

She sounds like a rusty saw
going through a knothole.

Alf!

You hit me, and I'll
tell mom, and you'll get it.

Now, don't be mean
to your sister,

even though
she is your brother.

You'd think she could
find somebody

better than
that kimball.

I wouldn't want a guy like
that for a brother-in-law.

What's wrong
with him?

You ever listen
to the way he talks?

"Good mornin'. Well,
it's not a good mornin'.

"Well, it's not
a bad mornin', either.

It's, uh--"
drivin' me nuts.

Come on, darling.

Now, don't pay any
attention to him.

I was the only one
in our family

who liked
Mr. Douglas.

Well, hanky is
no Mr. Douglas.

How serious are you
about Mr. kimball?

I'm gonna marry him.

Of course,
he don't know it yet.

Well, that's
the best way.

Mr. Douglas
didn't know

that I was going
to marry him

till we went to
the license bureau.

He thought
i was going to get

a driver's license.

But then I explained
it to him

that the driver's
license cost $5,

and the marriage
license cost $2,

so if he marries me,
he'll save $3.

And then, of course,
i could drive his car.

That was very smart.

You can always
appeal to a man

through
his pocketbook.

Oh.

[Music playing]

[Alf hammering]

Howdy doody,
Mr. kimball.

[Mocking] Howdy doody,
Mr. kimball.

Oh, good morning.

Well, it's not
a good morning.

It's not
a bad morning, either.

It's more of a, uh...

Where'd you get
the fat lip?

Run into a door
or somethin'?

You seen
Mr. Douglas around?

Yeah, he's in
the house.

Oh, thank you.

[Music playing]

[Knocks on door]

Heh heh heh.

Ah, Mr. kimball.
Good morning.

Ah, Mr. Douglas, sir.
I, uh, brought over

some pamphlets on
irritating your corn.

[Laughs]

That's a little joke
the chief made up.

Well, he didn't
make it up,

but his wife
probably--

no, he could have
made it up.

He says some funny
things sometimes.

I'm sure he does. Come on in.
Have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you. Yes.

Oh, I beg your--

did you want something?

No.

Say, you'd better put
a little bandage on that.

[Music playing]

You sure wasted
a lot of lipstick.

He didn't even
notice you.

Well, don't worry.
He will.

Now, as the bulletin
clearly states--

well, it doesn't
clearly state.

It kind of hints
that there are 3 methods

for irrigating...Corn.

The first is--

Mr. kimball,

would you like to have
some more what's-it?

Oh, no, thank you.
This is fine.

Well, it isn't fine.

It's certainly got
a nice body to it.

What is that?

Well, we ran out
of coffee,

but I found a can
on the shelf.

Of what?

Well,
i don't know.

It didn't have
a label on it.

Oh, well.

Mr. kimball, what about
the 3 methods?

Of what?

Of irrigating!

Oh. Heh. Well, first
there's the furrow method.

That's where they dig
furrows between the corn

and they fill it with water,
and then the corn--

well, the corn knows
what to do with the water.

Uh, Mr. kimball,

you're not married,
are you?

Married? No,
i don't believe I, uh--

no, I guess I'm not.
Now, the second method--

do you have
a steady girlfriend?

Uh, no, I don't.

Now, the second method

is known as
the sprinkler system.

You lay this pipe and you
have these sprinklers,

and these sprinklers go--

pshh! Pshh! Pshh!

How come that a man
who can imitate a sprinkler

as well as you can
isn't married?

Well, i--

Mr. kimball,

there are lots
of lovely girls

who would make you
a wonderful wife.

Howdy doody.

What are you
bringing that plank

through here for?

She came to show it
to Mr. kimball.

Oh, it's very nice,
Ralph.

Would you like to have
a cup of coffee, Ralph?

I'd love some.
Would you hold this?

Here, take
it outside

where
it belongs.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye,
Mr. kimball. Ha ha.

What was
all that about?

What was
all what about?

Isn't she a lovely girl,
Mr. kimball?

Lisa, could we
get back

to talking about
irrigation?

All right.

Now,

the, uh, third method

is one that was used
by farmers for generations.

It's known as rain.

Rain?

Yes, that's that stuff

that comes out of
those dark, black clouds.

I know about--

oh, look who is here
carrying a ladder.

Ralph, the unmarried
lady carpenter.

Mr. kimball,

is there anything
you'd like to climb?

Well, no, i--

well, why don't you?
It's good exercise.

Ralph, would you
take the ladder

out of here, please?

Yes, sir.

For you.

Thank you.

Some man is going to be
very lucky

marrying a lady carpenter

who can fix things
around the house.

Lisa, will you
stop trying

to promote
a romance?

A romance?
I mean, between, um...

And me? Heh heh.

Well, I, uh,

think I'd better be
moseying along.

Well, not moseying.
I'd better be running.

Ohh, you stay,
Mr. kimball.

I want to talk to you
face to face.

Lisa.

What do you think
of Ralph?

Oh, I think he's
a very nice--

or, she's a--

do you mind if I ask you
a personal question?

No.

Do you have a new suit
for the wedding?

Wedding?

Lisa, if he wants
to marry her,

he'll ask her himself.

He will?
I'll tell her!

Wait a minute. Wait.

But she's
a very nice girl.

Girl? It's kind of hard
to think of Ralph as a--

well, it's not hard.
It's impossible.

Have you ever seen her
with her overalls off?

Lisa.

I mean, with her
dress on instead.

Oh, I would imagine
she'd look, uh--

no, I don't think
she would.

But how would I introduce
her to my friends?

I mean, how can i
explain to people

that I'm going with
a girl named Ralph?

Well, if that's
the only thing

that stands in
the way of romance,

I'll fix it.

So, it will be
a wonderful idea

if we change
your name.

Change my name?
Yes.

What's wrong
with Monroe?

No, no, no.
The other name.

Oh. Oh, he doesn't
like Ralph?

No.

Well, it has been
kind of a handicap.

Every time
i have a blind date,

a girl shows up.

Then you will
change your name.

Sure, but how
do I do it?

Oh, I'll take care
of it.

Change her name?

Yes, darling.

You learned how
to do that

in Harvard's
law school.

Yeah, among
other things.

Well, then
you'll do it?

What do you want
to change your name to?

How about imogene?

No. How about
henrietta?

No, no.

How about Irving?

Oh, no, no. I got
an aunt named Irving.

Oh, I know.
My all-time favorite--

Sophia loren.

That's lovely.
Sophia.

Sophia Monroe.

The petitioner wishes
to change his name

from Ralph to Sophia?

That's right, your honor.

The petition
clearly suggests

that the petitioner--

is Ralph Monroe
in court?

Uh, yes,
your honor.

Please, madam, let him
answer for himself.

Your honor,
uh, let me explain.

She is answering
for himse--

uh, her-herself.

You see, he--
uh, she is Ralph Monroe.

Oh, I see.

Well, you see,
your honor,

Ralph wants
to change her name

because she's in love
with this fellow,

and he doesn't want
to marry her

because he says
when 2 people get married,

one of them
should be a girl.

May I point out,

the circumstances
are clearly outlined

in the petition.

Yes, it's very
well written.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Mr. Douglas,
i don't believe

I've ever seen you
in my court before.

Uh, no, sir,

I've only practiced
in New York.

Oh, New York.

Yes, sir.

Counselor, if you had
taken the trouble

to find out,
our state does not have

a reciprocal agreement
with New York state.

Therefore,
your credentials

are not acceptable.

Your are not authorized

to practice law
in this state.

Well, but, your honor--

the petition is denied.

Does that mean I can't
get my name changed?

If you get
an accredited lawyer

to file for you.

Well, I don't want
an accredited lawyer.

[Crying]
I want Mr. Douglas!

Ohh!

Oh, now you see
what you've done?

You made her cry.
Ohh.

Order.

Madame,
may I remind you

you're in a
court of a law?

I could fine you
for contempt.

Your honor,
my wife didn't--

oh, darling!
don't hit him.

Hit me?

Like he hit the other judge

when he was yelling at me.

You hit a judge?

I didn't hit him.

No, I was reaching across.
He leaned forward.

Well, his nose
was bleeding.

Lisa, please!

Mr. Douglas,
if you would like

to practice law
in this state,

you'll have to take
our bar examination.

Your honor, I took
the exam in New York.

Then you shouldn't have
too much trouble

passing ours.

When do I get
my name changed?

As soon as I pass
the bar exam.

If you pass.

Court dismissed.

Hit a judge, eh?

[Music plays]

[Music playing]

You were an attorney
in New York?

That's right.

Care to tell me why
you were disbarred?

I was not disbarred.

Well, you try hittin'
a judge in this state--

I did not hit a judge.

Look, all I want to do
is to take the bar exam.

What college
did you graduate from?

Harvard.

Oh?

Well, I've got a directory
here somewhere

of all the accredited
colleges.

Certainly you don't have
to look up Harvard.

How do I know
there is such a school?

Well, take my word
for it.

Oh, here it is.

"Harvard school
of chiropody"?

Sorry, that won't
qualify you for--

there's
another one there.

There is?
Oh, yes.

"Harvard school
of hypnotism."

If you think you're
gonna hypnotize me--

here.
"Harvard university."

Oh. New school?

No, it's one of the oldest
in the country.

It's graduated
supreme court justices,

senators, presidents.

Harvard, huh?

Well, I guess
we can accept them.

Thank you. Now, when
could I take this exam?

Well, I reckon
we can arrange

for you to take it
in September.

September?

Well, I don't think
you'll be ready

to take the one that's
coming up next week.

Oh, I think I could.

All right.

Next week
at the state capital.

Meantime, fill out
this application,

get a transcript
of your school credits,

and a letter of reference

from your old law firm.

All right.
Thank you.

And, uh,
one more thing.

Where a short-sleeve shirt
for the exam.

What?

That way there'll be
no question

about writin'
on the cuffs.

[Music playing]

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Not now, Mr. haney.
I'm in a hurry.

I heard you was tryin'
to get un-disbarred.

Un-disba--

you never should have
hit the governor.

It was a judge,
and it was an accident.

How bad
was his arm broke?

It was his nose, and it
just bled a little.

Now, I've got to send
a telegram.

Need some help
with your application?

Need some pencils?
No.

Pens?
No.

Short sleeve shirts?

Mr. haney, I don't
want to buy anything

you have to sell.

[Music playing]

Sure hope he passes...

Or I'll be stuck with this
four-dollar sign I made.

Telegram, huh?

Yes.

Let me see
if I can find a blank.

Uh, where's
this goin'?

New York City...
My old law firm.

Oh, how do they feel
about you being disbarred?

Mr. drucker,
i was not disbarred.

Here we are.

Hi, Sam.
Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Joe.
Hello, Mr. Carson.

Now, the telegram--

you got any
pipe tobacco, Sam?

Uh, yeah.

Fill this pipe.

Joe, I can't open a package
for one pipeful.

You gotta buy
the whole thing.

How much is it?

15 cents.

You a pipe smoker,
Mr. Douglas?

Uh, no,
i don't smoke.

Like to learn?

Look, Mr. Carson,

I'm trying to send
a telegram here.

Anybody I know?

I don't think so.

Now, who's the telegram
goin' to?

The telegram is going to
felton, O'Connell, Clay,

Blakely, harmon,
Dillon and pastor.

425 south Madison
Avenue.

All them fellers
live together?

Must be a pretty big
boardin' house.

Joe!

Sorry.

Now,
the message is,

"kindly send resumé

"of my legal experience
with firm.

"Also would appreciate
transcript

"of my scholastic
credits at Harvard.

Need them
for state bar exam."

Did you go
to Harvard?

Ah, yes.

Like to take a look
at my corns?

What?

Ah, don't tell me
you forgot

all that chiropody
you studied.

Mr. Carson,
i studied

at the Harvard
school of law.

Now,
Mr. drucker,

will you get
that right off?

I'll be glad to.
Thank you.

And good luck
with your bar exams.

Thank you very much.

If you pass, I got
a case you can handle--

I'm suin'
the government.

What for, nonsupport?

Mr. Carson,
if I pass my bar exam,

I'll be glad to handle
your case for you.

Wonder why
he was disbarred.

[Music plays]

Can I sharpen
your pencil?

No, no, it's all right.
Thank you very much.

Well, is there anything
i can do for you?

Thank you, no.

Are you going
to stay up all night?

Lisa, I've got to be
left alone.

I've only got a week
to bone up on this exam.

That's very nice of you
to do this for Ralph.

Oh, I'm not doing it
for Ralph.

Well, then why
are you doing it?

While I was in court today,
it suddenly occurred to me

that I miss
practicing law.

You want to go back
to New York?

No.

But I thought
it might be nice

to practice law
out here.

You know, in New York,

uh, my practice was
mainly corporational.

That's big business.
But out here,

I'd be dealing
with the people.

The same kind of law that
Abraham Lincoln practiced--

country law.
Grass roots law.

The little cases that
you never seen a law book,

but they get into
the bulk of the--

darling, are you
going to make

one of those
long speeches?

Because if you do,

you won't have time
to study.

Out! Out!

[Chuckles]

[Music playing]

Darling, good luck
with your exam.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, don't--
wait a moment.

I have a surprise
for you.

I made it myself.

What is this?

A shirt sleeve shorts
for the exam.

A shirt sleeve--

yes, I made it
out of your best shirt.

I appreciate that.

[Laughs]

[Music playing]

Oh, darling,
it's beautiful.

Yeah, I practically
stole it

from haney for $15.

I'm gonna put it
on the front porch.

Oh, it's going
to be very nice.

Was the exam hard?

Oh, there were a couple
of tricky questions.

Howdy doody.

I thought I told you
to fix that.

Well, never mind.
Look, we can go to court

any time
you're ready now.

What for?

Change your name.

I don't want to
change my name.

Well, what about
Mr. kimball?

What about him?

Is he going to marry you
named Ralph?

Oh. Oh, I broke off
the engagement

before it even
got started.

I found myself
a new fella.

He's a mechanic

over at the crabwell
corners garage.

Want to meet him?
He's right outside.

Yes.

[Whistles]
Come on in, honey.

May I present my fiancé
Mr. betts?

Evelyn, this is--

Evelyn?

Evelyn betts.

Darling,
isn't that nice?

Evelyn and Ralph.

They got the right names,
but in different clothes.

[Music playing]

[Whistling]

[Thud]
Ooh.

Lisa.
[Jiggles handle]

I can't open the door.

I know. It's locked.

Well, open it.

I don't know whether
i should or shouldn't.

Why not?

Well, your lawyer's
license

isn't any good
in this state.

How do I know that
our marriage license is?

Of course, if you want
to take an exam...

Well...

If I have to.

[Music plays]

[Theme music playing]

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment