Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 17 - I Didn't Raise My Husband to Be a Fireman - full transcript

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Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling,
i love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Chickens clucking softly]

[Whistling]

Shh! They're
still asleep.

Boy, they sure
sleep late.

Hey, it's nearly
5:30.

Aren't they cute?



What's cute about
2 people sleeping?

I mean the hen
and the rooster.

Ralph,
let's get to work.

We'll wake 'em up.

We'll work quietly.

[Thud]

Shh!
Shh!

Shh.

Saw this.

[Sawing]

Oliver, stop snoring.

Hmm?

You're snoring.

Oh, sorry.

Lisa...

You're the one
that's snoring.

I never snore.

Honey, you're
doing it again.

What are you doing?

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Howdy doody.

Who are you
talking to?

The Monroe brothers.

Oh, hello, alf.

Howdy, ma'am.

Good morning,
Ralph, dear.

Howdy doody.

You going
to get up now?

I--i guess we have to.

Ok, Ralph,
let's get to work.

Hold it, hold it!

You hung over?

No, I'm not hung over.

It's just that it's
5:30 in the morning.

Oh, yeah. We're
a half hour late.

Could you just hold it

until we get ourselves
together here?

Oh, we can take
a coffee break.

Hey, alf, we're not supposed
to take it until 6:00.

Oh, that's right.
We can't.

If we take it now, we'll
have to have our lunch

a half hour earlier,

and that'll throw our
afternoon coffee break off,

and we'll--

take it now.

Ok.

Come on, Ralph,
let's eat.

Want half?

Please.

[Sawing]

The salami's
a little stale. Ha ha!

Care to join us?

No.

Shee.
What a grouch.

You'd be grouchy, too,
if you were hung over.

I'm not hung over.

Where's
the coffee?

I forgot it.

Ain't that just like
a lady carpenter?

Brings the geraniums,
forgets the coffee.

Would you mind eating
someplace else

so we can get up
and get dressed?

I'll make some coffee
in a little while.

Well, thanks.
Come on, Ralph.

I'll make you
some hotcakes, too.

Yeah, that'll
serve you right.

I am not moving
out of this bed.

You insulted
my hotcakes.

No, no,
i didn't mean to.

You did.
You don't like them?

Yes, I do.

How many do you want
for breakfast?

One.

3.

Why 3?

To prove
that you like them.

Couldn't I just
eat one and applaud?

Oliver!

Oh, look,
i love your hotcakes,

but couldn't you make
something different

for a change?

Like what?

Oh, like hot cereal.
Oatmeal.

I am game if you are.

Did you make
the oatmeal?

Lisa:
Yes, darling.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You see,
all you have to do

is try something new
once in a while, and--

what's that?

Hot oatmeal.

It's easier to make
than hotcakes.

That's not the way
you cook oatmeal.

Is there another way?

Yes. You get
some boiling water,

and you put the oatmeal
in the boiling water.

It's quicker this way.

Yeah, but
it's not oatmeal.

Well, that's what
it said on the box.

Did you read
the directions?

Yes. It said
"open it here,"

and I opened it there.

No, no. I mean
the directions

about cooking
the oatmeal.

You want some hotcakes?

No...

Just some coffee.
All right.

Where are the napkins?

They must be on the table.
I put them there first.

First?

Oh. Well, the napkins go
on top of the tablecloth.

You don't like my napkins,
you don't like my hotcakes.

I bet you don't like
my mother.

What's that got
to do with it?

Boy, you're grouchy.

[Sighs]

That's hot water.

Where's the coffee?

In the can.
I couldn't open it.

Why not?

There were no directions.

Oh, for crying...

[Both laugh]

Get the can.
I'll open it.

All right.

Morning, Mr. Douglas,
miss Douglas.

Good morning, eb.

[Sniffs]
Mmm. Fried oatmeal.

You've heard of it?

Sure. My mama used
to make it all the time.

What?

She said
it was easier

than boiling hot water
and all that stuff.

You see? Eb's mother
made it that way, too.

Well, good for her.

Now you don't like
eb's mother, either.

You hung over
this morning?

No!

Uh, where's
the can opener?

Which one is that?

Over here.
I'll show you.

You just put this
in here.

Press down there.

[Hums]

There you are.

Let me try.

Yeah.
Oh!

What did you do?

I did? I didn't open
that end, you did.

What? Lisa!

We going to pull the fence
down this morning?

What fence?

The fence that separates
the Watson's place from ours.

We own
that property now.

Yeah. We got
a lot of work to do.

Well, aren't you going
to eat your oatmeal?

Uh, no, not now.

You don't like it.

I'm not hungry.

You don't like my oatmeal,
you don't like my napkin,

you don't like my hotcakes,
you don't like my mother,

you don't like
eb's mother.

What do you like?

I like you.

Mmm. Just for that,
i scrape you up some coffee.

[Claps hands] Come on, eb.
We got to get to work.

Thanks for the fried
oatmeal, miss Douglas.

Howdy, alf.
Howdy, miss Ralph.

Oh, howdy doody.

What are you doing
out here?

I thought you were--

we're still on
our coffee break.

Pass me the chili,
Ralph.

[Sawing]

Care for half
a dill pickle?

No, thanks.

How about some
finnan haddie?

How about getting
back to work?

Boy, you are
hung over.

Come on, Ralph.

They're never going
to finish that bedroom.

They've been
working on it--

[whistles]

[Boom]

What's that?

Newt Kiley's.

Newt Kiley's what?

Hey, eb, come back here.

What was
all the noise?

A skyrocket.

Oh, what are they
celebrating?

I don't know.

Oh! That's why you didn't
eat my breakfast.

You've been sneaking
out here to have it.

No, that's--

how long has this
been going on?

That belongs to alf and Ralph.
They were having a--

[siren blaring,
triangle ringing]

[Ringing]

Stop your bell!

[Siren]

Stop your sireen!

[Stops]

Who didn't put
the sign down?

Haney,
what's going on?

Mr. Douglas,
don't you know better

than to interfere
with the driver

of an emergency
vehicle?

Emergency vehicle?

Didn't you see
the fire alarm rocket?

There's a fire
at newt Kiley's.

So, that's what it was.

Yeah.

Yes, ma'am. Would you
care to go along and see

your hooterville
volunteer fire department

at work?

Oh, that would be
very exciting.

Yes, I'll go along,
too, and help.

You belong
to the volunteers?

No.

No amateurs allowed
to ride on the fire truck.

Step in, miss Douglas.

Wait a minute.

How come she can ride
on your truck, and I can't?

You'll have to take that up
with the chief.

But i--
stand clear!

See you later,
Mr. Douglas.

Are you coming,
miss Douglas?

I'd love to.

No. You can't go
if I can't go.

Oh!

Oh, would you
water--take--

would you hold
those, please?

Will you keep the chili
and finnan haddie warm

till we get back?

Haney: Start your bell!

[Ringing]

Start your sireen!

[Siren]

All civilians stand clear!

Isn't that ridiculous?

Wouldn't let me ride
to the fire with them.

You don't belong
to the fire department.

They were going
to let you ride with them.

I'm sexier
than you are.

That's not
the point.

Well, if you want
to ride with them,

all you have to do
is join them.

I'd like to,
but they never asked me.

Well, why don't you
ask them?

I am not asking them.

If they want me to join,
let them ask me.

Boy, are you hung over.

Are you going to ask
Mr. drucker

whether you can join
the fire department?

No. Please,
don't mention it.

Just do your shopping.
Have you got your list?

Yes, right here.
One can of coffee.

What else?

That's all.

What did you have
to write it down for?

Well, all the other women
always have a shopping list,

so I want to be
like they are,

so I've got
a "one can of coffee" list.

"Big hooterville fire,

"by Joe Carson,
foreign correspondent

for the hooterville
world guardian."

Foreign correspondent?

Well, don't i
do stories

about crabwell corners
and pixley?

"The hooterville volunteer
fire department

"responded to
a fire alarm rocket call

"from newt Kiley's farm
at 7:15 this morning.

"They arrived at the scene
promptly at 11:15

"and by 12:00
had succeeded

in putting out
a false alarm."

How do you put out
a false alarm?

I don't explain
technical details.

I just report the facts.

Well, report 'em
to some other paper.

I ain't interested
in buying this.

Mr. drucker?

I'll be right with you,
Mr. Douglas.

Darling, are you sure
you don't want me

to ask Mr. drucker

whether you can join
the fire department?

don't mention it.

How are you,
Mrs. Douglas, Mr. Douglas?

Hello.

Mr. Douglas,
you got any pull

with them
city newspapers?

Well, i--

Joe, will you forget about
that stupid story?

What stupid story
is that?

The one you ain't gonna read
in the world guardian,

because Sam's
too cheap to buy it.

Joe. What can I do
for you folks?

I have a shopping list--
one can of coffee.

Yes, ma'am.

What else?

Guess who wants to join

the volunteer
fire department.

Now, I asked you
not to mention that.

I didn't mention
any names.

All I said
was "guess who,"

and if Mr. drucker
can guess who "who" is,

then you're in.

But I asked you
not to mention it.

Mr. Douglas, you interested
in joining the volunteers?

Oh, he guessed
you're who who.

We'd be glad
to have you.

Well, I'd like to.

Now, how do I go
about joining?

You got to talk
to the fire chief.

Well, all right.
Now, who's the--

are you the chief?

I ain't wearing this white
helmet to match my shoes.

Do you think
he can join?

He can if he can pass
our high standard

of fire fighting
qualifications.

What are they?

What instrument
do you play?

Instrument?

Can you play
the sousaphone?

No. I can play
a piano.

That ain't no instrument
for a marching band.

Application denied.

What?

Joe, you can't turn
Mr. Douglas down

just because
he can't play--

look, Sam, I got
the white helmet, ain't I?

That makes me
the chief.

I say a man
can't fight fire

unless he can play
a marching instrument.

That doesn't
make sense.

It does around here.

We have more parades
than fire.

Mr. Carson,

I think you've missed
the whole point

of the volunteer
fire department.

They were not formed
as musical organizations.

They were formed to protect
the smaller communities--

the farmer,
his home, his barn--

from the ravages
of flame and holocaust.

They were formed by men

who were ready to drop
their hoes and their rakes

at the first flare
of flame

and rush to the aid
of their neighbors

with hose, with water--

with their bare hands,
if necessary.

That's what a volunteer
fire department is.

Piano's the only instrument
you play, huh?

No. I play
a little guitar.

Be at band practice
tomorrow night at 8:00.

We'll see if we can make
a firefighter out of you.

[Playing slow march]

Would you mind
moving back?

What?

I said, would you mind
moving back?

[Taps] No talking
in the ranks.

I can't hear.

Ralph is playing the cymbal
right in my ear.

A little more arpeggio,
Ralph.

Candidate Douglas,
what were you playing?

When?

When the rest of them
were going...

♪ Da da da,
da da da da da da ♪

[Repeats melody]

Oh!

Could I move
somewhere else?

No. We got you placed
acroustically.

Now let's practice
the marching formation.

Now, in this formation,

the band will form
a fire helmet.

On hearing my whistle,
start marching.

[Blows]

[Playing]

[Blows whistle]

Hold it, hold it!

Now, the top part
of the helmet's ok,

but the brim
needs a little work.

Now let's line up
and try it again.

Mrs. Bradley,
it's very kind of you

to give me
cooking lessons

while the band
is rehearsing.

Oh, that's all right.
It keeps my mind off the music.

Oh. Oliver doesn't like
my hotcakes.

He doesn't?

Mm. Or my mother,
either.

Well--

or eb's mother, too--
or my oatmeals.

Oh, you cooked
oatmeal?

Fried.

Well, that's--
fried?

Without water.

I never fixed it
that way.

I'll give you the recipe.
It's very simple.

You open the box where
it says "open here."

You dump it
in a frying pan,

and that's all.
It's simple.

It sounds easy.

Have you ever
thought of eggs?

No, but Alice has.

She makes them
all the time,

some of them with
little chickens in them.

Oh, isn't he clever?

Well, would you like me
to show you

how to soft boil
an egg?

If it's not
too difficult.

Oh, no, no.

Now, this is an egg.

That part I know.

Of course you do.

And this is
boiling water.

Looks hot.

Yeah. Now, to make
a soft-boiled egg,

you drop it
in the water.

Oh, let me try.

All right.

Like this?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's very good.

You just learned
how to make a fried egg.

[Sizzling]

I did?

Lisa.

Oh. Ha!

They made me a member
of the fire department.

You've arrived--helmet,
rocket, and marching guitar.

Mm-hmm.

Look, darling,
i made a fried egg.

Well, looks like a big night
for the Douglas family.

Oliver.

Oliver,
where are you?

Out here.

What are you doing
there?

Sky watching.

Well, what is that?

Every new recruit
for the fire department

has to do
sky watch duty.

If I see a rocket, why,
then I call Mr. haney,

and he picks us up
in the truck.

Can I watch?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Come here, honey.

Oh, I saw one.

Where?

Oh, no, that was
a shoosting star.

A shoosting star?

I'll make a wish
for a fire,

so you can go
in your new helmet.

No, no, Lisa, fires
are nothing to wish for.

This is very serious
business.

Isn't the sky
beautiful?

Mm.

Uh, Lisa,
I'm on sky watch duty.

I won't interfere.

Mm. Lisa, they'll make me
turn in my helmet.

All right,
i won't disturb you.

I'll go to bed.
Good night.

[Kisses]

Ahem.

Morning,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. kimball.

Well, looking for
anything special?

No.
I got a stiff neck.

I had sky watch
last night.

Oh. Well, maybe
i can ease it for you.

We county agents
are required

to take a first aid
course.

Oh?

Now, let's see.
Oh, yeah.

Take a deep breath
and count to 10.

What good
will that do?

Well, that'd get rid of
your hiccups just like that.

Oh. I haven't got
hiccups.

I got a stiff neck.

And hiccups?

No hiccups.
A stiff neck.

Oh, well,
then counting to 10

really wouldn't work
too well.

Or was it 15?

No. A paper bag
over your head

works even better.

Or is it 10?
No, I guess it's 15.

[Crack]
Mr. Kim--ow!

Hey...

It's all better.

Well, I guess
it is 15.

Hey, your corn's
looking pretty good.

Yes--

did you see something?

No.

You sure?

No--

oh, you've got those
sky watching jitters.

Oh, well,
that's ok, though.

All new members
get 'em.

Yeah, I remember
my first week on watch.

Yeah. Made a fool
of myself about 3 times.

Or was it 4 times?

No, it was 3 times.

I remember
the first night.

I got the whole
company out.

I saw this shoosting
star, and i--

shoosting star?

Yes.

That's a star that
shoosts across the sky.

And then
the second time--

or was it
the third time?

Oh, the third time, there
was a firefly on my nose,

and I woke up
the whole company.

Well, that's too bad.

Did you see something
that time?

Oh. Well, you'd better
take it easy, Mr. Douglas.

You're just--
what was that?

What was what?

Oh. Just
a murdius callastra.

That's a silver-winged
callastra.

It's a little bird,

but it looks a lot
like a rocket,

and it causes
a lot of false alarms.

I'd watch out
for those.

Yes, I will.

But you shouldn't have
any trouble

seeing a rocket today.

It's so
nice and clear and...

And, uh...

Mr. Douglas?

What?

My neck.

Oh.

Uh, hold still.

[Cracks]

Oh. Gee,
thank you very much.

You forgot to say 15.

I guess it works anyway,
though, huh?

Ha ha. Well, I'd better
be running along.

Well, not running,
but...

Happy sky watching.
Ha ha.

Oliver.

Yeah.

You still on duty?

Yep.

Then I can't nuzzle
your ear?

No.

When can i
nuzzle your ear?

Tomorrow night.

All right.
I can wait.

What are you
playing?

Hot time in
the old town tonight.

It's the only piece
the band knows.

It's very nice.

Do you like
being a fireman?

Oh, it's all right.

What do you do
when you see a rocket?

I call Mr. haney, and
he picks us up in the truck.

You'd better call him.

There is one
up there now.

[Whistles]

[Boom]

A skyrocket!
Uh, wake--

eb, eb, wake up!

Eb, eb, eb!
Eb!

Hello?
Sarah? Sarah?

Woman:
This is a recording.

Your hooterville
telephone company

closes at 9:30.

Good night.

[Violin plays lullaby]

Oh, for crying out loud.
This is an emergency!

This is a recording.

Your hooterville
telephone company

closes at--

darlin, did you get
Mr. haney?

No, no! The telephone
company's closed.

We'll take my car.

Oh, here is
your helmet.

Oh, thank you.

Ain't you going
to take your guitar?

Come on!
Come on, you--

there you are.

Bye-bye! Take care
of yourselves!

[Crows]

Mr. Douglas,
maybe if you talk to--

forget it, forget it.
Go change your clothes.

We've got a lot of work
to do today.

Yes, sir.

Darling.

Darling, you're back.

Yes.

Well, where was
the fire?

There wasn't any.

Well, who sent up
the rocket?

Chief Carson.

Why did he do that?

He called an emergency
band practice.

Where is your helmet?

Oh, he took it
away from me,

because I didn't
bring my guitar.

If a man
ever needed nuzzling,

he needs it now.