Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 16 - Give Me Land, Lots of Land - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment

Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ New York ♪

♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪



♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye,
city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Clucking]

[Clucking]

[Ringing]

Squawk!
Squawk!

Darling, turn off
the alarm clock.

[Stops ringing]



Oh!

Darling, why are you
sleeping down there?

Oh, I fell
out of bed.

We got to get
seat belts

or put the wall
back in.

We've got to get
the Monroe brothers

to finish
this bedroom.

[Clucking]

Get out of there!

Oh...

[Squawking]

Oh, look!

Alice laid me
my breakfast in bed.

Oh, that's
very nice.

Do you suppose
if I put it under

the electric blanket,
it'll cook?

Get up!

Oh...

Uhh.

[Squawking]

Good morning,
chickens.

[Clucking]

Oh, good morning,
Harriet.

[Clucking]

That's too bad.

What's too bad?

Harriet doesn't
feel good.

Can you understand
what she says?

No, but I understand
the way she said it.

Lisa...

It's impossible
to understand

what the chi--

what are you doing?

Pulling down
the shade.

What for?

Well, I can't
get dressed

with the shade up.

The sides are open.

But darling,
if anybody looks in

from the side,
i can see them.

Get dressed
in the bathroom.

All right.

You know,
I'm going to call

the Monroe brothers...

Oh, I forgot.
They took out our pole.

Oliver...

What?

Tell me just
once more

why the Monroe brothers
can't finish the bedroom.

Because,
the building inspector

said that their license
allowed them

to build only
chicken coops.

Well, then why
don't they build

a chicken Coop that
looks like a bedroom,

then we put in
all our furnitures,

then we show it
to the chickens,

and if they don't
like it, we move in.

What?

Then the inspector
can't say that

we built a bedroom,
because we gave

the chickens
first choice.

Suppose he doesn't
believe us.

Then we get it
in writing

from the chickens.

That they
didn't like it,

and it was all right
for us to move in.

In writing, huh?

Mm-hmm. That'll
make it legal.

You see, living
with a lawyer,

I know all
the loopholes.

Now, why don't you
go and dress?

I'm going
to take a shower.

[Sputtering and chugging]

[Bang]

[Grumbling]

[Coughing]

Eb!
[Cough cough]

You'd make better time
walking, Mr. Douglas.

[Cough cough]

There's something wrong
with the carburetor.

Yeah. It needs a new
tractor on it.

Eb...Could you start
pulling up

some of these weeds
in the wheat?

Can't I just
pull up the wheat?

There ain't
as much of that.

Just do
as you're told.

Yes, sir.

[Tap tap tap]

[Bang bang bang]

[Tap tap]

[Bang bang]

[Tap tap tap
tap tap]

[Bang bang]

Mornin',
Mr. Douglas.

Well, good morning,
Mr. Watson.

You're selling
your farm?

Oh, yes, uh, you
noticed the sign?

I didn't know you were
thinking of selling it.

Oh, yes.

I decided after
i got the good word.

What good word?

I social securitied
today.

Social sec--

oh! Well,
congratulations.

Me and the missus
decided we'd

quit farming and do
some real traveling.

See the country, huh?

Yeah. Drive up
to pixley,

maybe stay
overnight.

Then over
to the county seat,

and see a real
wide screen movie.

When are you leaving?

As soon as
you buy the...

Soon as somebody
buys the farm.

Mr. Watson, I've
already got a farm.

I know you have,

and it seems
to be doing fine.

Is that wheat?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How about that?

Yeah. It's not doing
as well as your corn.

You like it?

Oh, yeah.
Wish it was mine.

Sold!

No. Wait--wait
a minute here.

I've often though
of adding some land

to my farm,
but, I, uh--

2 ls in Douglas?

No. One "l."
Yes, it'll...

What are you writing?

Bill of sale, uh,
just in case.

Aren't you rushing me
a little?

Seriously,
Mr. Douglas,

I'd like to see
you buy it.

Now, you have
a love of the land

that I don't
exactly understand,

but I think you'd
take good care

of my farm.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love the land.

To me, that soil
is a vibrant, living thing.

It takes a little,
sleeping seed, you know,

and it awakens it,
coddles it,

and gives it strength

to push up
into the sun and the rain,

so the plants'll grow
big and strong.

You want your wife's
name on this, too?

Oh, yes...

I haven't said
I'd buy it!

I can give you
a real good deal.

140 acres,
with your 160,

that'll give you
300 acres.

300? Whew.

Hey, that's
a real farm.

Come on over and
take a look at it.

[Whump]

Well, I've got
the, uh...

Oh, come on.
Come on!

Just step over
onto your own land.

Come on!

[Crunches]

Mmm. It's good!

Yeah. I got
another bumper crop

of apples this year.

Mm-hmm. And all that
alfalfa and corn.

Real farm.

That's a nice house.

Oh, that don't go
with the farm.

You don't need
a house, anyway.

You got that beautiful
place of yours.

Yeah. I don't really
need a house. No.

Me and Cora
want to keep it

so's we have someplace
to come back to

after we do
all that traveling.

Yeah. I can
understand that.

Well, Mr. Douglas,
have we got a deal?

Well, the price
is right.

Well, sign here.

Uh, I'd like
to talk it over

with my wife first.

Hi, Mr. kimball.

Well, hello, eb.

Where's Mr. Douglas?

He's coming in
on his tractor.

Be patient.
He'll get here.

[Sputtering]

Congratulations.
You made it.

You always drive it
that way?

No, I don't always
drive it that way.

It's stuck
in reverse.

Where can
i get I fixed?

Well, that shouldn't
be too hard.

Well, it won't
be easy, either.

What kind is it?

Oh, it's a, uh...

Hoyt clagwell?

Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha!

What's so funny?

Oh, there's a farmer
over at steuben bluff

that has one of these.

Of course, his front wheel
keeps falling off.

[Clang]

No. I wasn't
his front wheel.

It was his back wheel.

[Clang]

Not that one.
It was the other one.

[Clang]

Yeah. That's the one.

Oh, I give up.

I got to get
a new tractor.

Especially if I buy
that Watson place.

That'd be
a good idea.

The Watson place?
You going to buy it?

Mr. Watson's thinking
of retiring.

He's made me
a very good price

on 140 acres.

Well, with
your 160 acres,

and his 140 acres, that
would give you 300 acres

of the best farmland
in the valley...

Except your
160 acres.

Mr. kimball, what do
you think of his farm?

Well, you couldn't
go wrong in buying it.

Well, you could
go wrong.

Well, not wrong,
but not right.

Unless...

Could you give me
a straight answer for once?

A straight answer?

Please.

Well, let's put it
this way...

He has a fine crop
started,

and if you take over
and do the same thing

that you did
to this farm,

you'll--oh, boy.

Are you implying
that I'm not doing

a good job
on this farm?

Oh, no, sir,
Mr. Douglas.

I never meant
to imply

that you're doing
a good job.

What I'm trying to
say is--oh, boy.

Lisa: Oliver!

Out here
by the barn.

Have you told
the missus

you're buying
the Watson place?

No.

Chicken, huh?

No! I just heard
it was for sale.

What did she say
when you told her

you bought
this place?

Well, she said--

oh, boy.

Well, I better
be running along.

I don't want
to stay around

and see the fight.

Not that there has
to be a fight,

but there probably
will be.

No. Stick around.

No, no, no. You
don't need me.

I mean, eb knows all
about first aid.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. kimball.

Oh, morning,
Mrs. Douglas.

How is everything?

Well everything was
all right up until,

uh--oh, boy.

Well, I'll be
seeing you folks.

[Starts engine]

What is Mr. kimball
oh, boying about?

Oh, nothing.

I just told him I might
buy the Watson place.

Oh, boy!

Lisa...

I could make
a real good buy on that.

Oh, boy!

It's a beautiful farm.

I don't like it.

You haven't
even seen it!

The least you can do
is take a look at it.

Which way is it?

Over there.

I don't like it.

You can't tell
from here.

Oh, yes, I can.

Lisa, come over there
with me.

Drive over and take
a look at it close up.

Oliver...

It's a wonderful buy!
A perfect farm.

All it needs is somebody
beautiful like you

to make it come to life.

Oh, boy.

Will you just
take a look at it?

I'll look,
but I won't like it.

I told you I wasn't
going to like it,

and I kept my promise.
I don't like it.

Lisa...
We have as much farm

as we need,
and much more.

All that corn,
and the alfalfa,

and these apples--
here...

Try one.
They're delicious.

I don't like apples.

Is that their house?

Yeah. Did you notice
that brook over there?

It's lovely.

Oh, it's pretty,

and the alfalfa.
Buy it.

Why can't--
buy it?

Yes, darling,
buy it.

You know what
you just said?

I said buy it.

Lisa...

When you folks are finished,
you can sign the papers.

Up here!

Just doing
a little pruning.

We're ready
to sign the papers.

I figured you would.

Do you like it,
Mrs. Douglas?

I think it's lovely.

Me and Cora been
mighty happy here.

Even if we haven't seen
any wide-screen movies.

Well, you got a deal.

Now, I'll leave you
a deposit,

but I've got
to go to New York

for a couple of days,
transfer some funds here

to my account
at the pixley bank.

Oh, there's no hurry.
The place is all yours.

Me and Cora
will pack tonight,

and leave the first thing
in the morning.

Oh, thank you.

Cora, I told you
he'd go for it!

[Whistling]

You better
get aboard.

Ok. It's going
to be so lonely

in New York
without you.

I'll go with you,
if you want.

I was not
talking to you.

You just take good care
of Mrs. Douglas.

Yes, sir.

By the time
you get back,

the house
will be ready.

You're a wonderful wife.

I'm going
to miss you.

[Chugging]

Something else
you're going to miss!

What?

The train!

Oh! Good-bye!

Good-bye,
darling.

Wait for me!

2 bits
he don't catch it.

[Chugging]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Mr. haney.

Oh, come in.

I can't. I've been
de-doorknobbed.

Oh, one moment.

You want me
to put this

back on for you?

It'll only
cost you a quarter.

Oh, don't bother.

We're not staying here,
anyhow.

My husband bought
the Watson farm.

We're going to move
as soon as possible.

You mean that
you're leaving

this beautiful,
modern house

for that
squatter's shack?

As fast as I can.

You city people are
sure hard-hearted.

When your husband
forced me

to sell him
this house,

I cried for 3 days.

Until the check cleared.

Well, that did

brighten things
a little.

Although
the puny amount

didn't equal
the true value

of this priceless
old homestead.

Would you like
to buy it back?

Uh, no, thank you.

Mr. haney, do you know
a good moving company?

Yeah!
[Snaps]

The Tiffany
art treasure,

trans-continental
transportation,

and special handling
moving company.

Who are they?

Me.

Now, I could move
this fine furniture

in my spacious
padded truck

fer...$75.

25.

60?

15.

Hold it!

You're going in
the wrong direction.

When I'm
coming down,

you're supposed
to be going up.

10.

Mrs. Douglas,
you just ain't got

the spirit
of this thing.

5.

If it's all
the same to you,

I'd rather do business
with your husband.

Where is he?

In New York.

[Knocking on door]

Oliver!

Hello, mother.

Where's Lisa?

Oh, she's not
with me.

She left you!

She did not!

Oh? Why not?

Aren't you glad
to see me?

Oh, yes,
of course, dear.

Now, then,
where is Lisa?

Oh, she's back
in hooterville.

You chained her
to the stove!

Mother, don't you want
to know why I'm here?

Let me guess.

You're going to see
a psychiatrist.

I'm going to the bank
to transfer some funds.

I bought the farm
next door.

[Groans]
My medicine.

No, no. That was
your father's medicine.

My pills.

Oh, mother, do you
really need those pills?

Oh, my poor Lisa.

She told me
to buy it.

Oliver, this is
your mother

you're talking to.

She did!

Well, I'll just
find out for myself.

You can't
call her.

They took out
our pole.

Oh, no!

Mother, take
my word for it.

She's very
happy there.

You know why
she stayed?

She's fixing up
our house.

Well, the outside
doesn't need

much fixing up.

It just ain't got the charm
of your old place.

That's what you say.

Oh, look!

The doorknob stays
with the door!

That ain't no reason
for buying a house.

Isn't it lovely?

What is all
the furniture

doing here?

I guess lud
sold it furnished,

what with them traveling
and everything.

But what am i
going to do

with all
the furniture?

You might give it
to some fellow

who lost a lot of money

selling his priceless farm
to your husband.

I am not going
to give it away.

I'm going
to sell it away.

Do you know someone
who might buy it?

Well, let's see now,
there's the pixley--

no, they wouldn't
give you nothing for it.

Or the crabwell--no.

[Snaps]
The elite antique

American high-priced
furniture buyers.

That's you.

No. That's my cousin,

but I act
as his agent.

And I think that he
would authorize me

to offer you $50
for everything.

$100.

45.

150.

Mrs. Douglas, when is
your husband coming home?

Lisa!

Lisa!

Go away for
a couple of days,

everything goes to pot.

Lisa!

Lisa?

Lisa!

[Crash crash]

Lisa...

Where are you?

Sure looks good.

Yes. Mr. Douglas
is going to love it.

Did you bring
everything over?

Yes, ma'am,
'cept Eleanor.

Well, you'd better
go and get her.

Hello, Eleanor.
[Moos]

You know where
my wife is?

I sure do.

Then you
tell me, be--

eb!

When did you
get home?

Just a little while ago.
Where's my wife?

Over at
the new house.

What new house?

The Watson place
you bought.

I didn't buy the--

your furniture sure
looks great over there.

You mean she moved
the furniture?

Yeah. Wait until
you see the place!

[Knocking]

Lisa!

Come in, darling.

Oh, for crying
out Lou--

I did that to make
you feel at home.

Come in, darling.

What's going on here?

Isn't it lovely?

Well, yes, but...

It's not ours.

But you said it was
all paid for.

I'm not talking
about the furniture.

I'm talking
about the house.

Then, the deal
fell through?

No. I didn't buy
the house.

I just bought
the land.

Then we can't
live here?

No! The watsons
are coming back

as soon as they've seen
a wide-screen movie.

This is a so much
nicer house than ours.

Now, don't worry.

Ours will be
nicer than this.

We've already got
the chicken Coop--

the bedroom
half finished.

It'll be all fixed up.

You promise?

I promise.

Now, let's get
our furniture back.

No harm done.

There's some
harm done.

What's that?

The furniture--
the Watson furniture...

Yes?

I sold it.

You sold the...

No, no. It's all right.
I'll buy it back.

That's no problem.

There is a problem.

What's that?

I sold it
to Mr. haney.

That's a problem.

That's Mr. haney's truck.

I wonder what
he's doing here.

Mr. haney...

I'm in the house.

Mr. haney, I want
to talk to--

how do you like it?

What's all this
doing here?

Well, now that you
own 2 houses,

I thought
you might like

to rent one house out
furnished.

Now, I can make you
a good buy.

We don't want
to buy this.

These are the Watson
furnitures.

No, ma'am.
This is the property

of the elite
antique American

high-priced
furniture buyers.

All right.
We'll buy it back.

Well, 3 rooms of genuine
antique furniture,

uh, how about $750?

Why, you just
bought it this morning

from me for $200.

That's why antiques
are such a good investment.

They're always going up.

Mr. haney, I'm not
going to pay you

one penny more than
you paid my wife.

Well, I'm afraid you'll
have to take that up

with the elite antique
American high-priced

furniture buyers.
I'm just the agent.

All right.

Shall we discuss this
with the sheriff?

Oh, um...

Uh, no need
to bother him.

$200 sounds like
a fair price.

I thought it would.
Now, you take

this furniture over
to the watsons',

and you bring our
furniture back here.

Oh, now, Mr. Douglas,
you wouldn't ask me

to move all this furniture
for nothing, would you?

How much
do you want?

$200?

I'll give you 50.

100?

60.

Darling, please,
let me handle this.

Mr. haney...

What was
your last bid?

$100.

35.

75?

20.

Mr. Douglas,
no offense intended,

but I ain't doing business
with your wife.

[Ringing]

[Stops ringing]

[Grumbling]

[Groaning]

[Bonk]
Oh!

Ohh!

Oh, sweetheart,
what's the matter?

I banged my head
on that...

They put
the telephone pole

back while we were
sleeping.

Oh, look, there's
a note on it.

"From your friends,
the night crew

at the hooterville
telephone company."

Aw, wasn't that
sweet of them?

Oh, that
certainly is.

But why did they
put it back

in the chicken
Coop--

uh, the bedroom?

Oliver...

What?

I love you!

I love you, too,

but that stupid
telephone company!

Of all the incompetent,
no good, idiotic,

wet-lipped idiots!
The--

[no audio]

Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment