Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 18 - Lisa Bakes a Cake - full transcript
After Lisa lists Oliver in the new phone directory as an attorney, he fears he'll be flooded with calls wanting his legal advice. Instead, he turns cranky when his phone doesn't ring. Meanwhile, Lisa accepts the challenge of baking a cake. Oliver's first potential customer has the misfortune of facing Lisa's 20-pound pound cake.
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Music playing]
What you got there?
The new phone book.
I just finished printing them.
Ahh.
Let me see one of them.
My name ain't in here.
Right there it is.
"Smoot, Floyd."
My name is Floyd smoot.
You printed it
backwards again.
Floyd...
They did
the same thing to you.
You're "Pratt, Charley."
Floyd, that's
the way you--
well, good morning,
gentlemen.
Morning,
Mr. Douglas.
Morning.
Hey, Mr. Douglas.
Sam, I want
this changed.
It can't
be changed.
It can, too.
Can't it, Mr. Douglas?
Huh? What's wrong,
Mr. smoot?
That's what's wrong.
I'm not Mr. smoot anymore.
I'm Mr. Floyd.
What?
The new phone book
just came out.
Yeah, they put all
the names backwards.
See? "Smoot, Floyd."
Well, that's the way
they print them.
Alphabetically.
Makes it easier to find.
I don't know how
you figure that.
If a man is lookin'
for Floyd smoot,
he don't look up
smoot Floyd.
Oh, by the way,
congratulations, Mr. Douglas.
What for?
For your new listing.
Oh! "Douglas,
Oliver Wendell."
Attorney-at-law?
Shouldn't that be
"law-at-attorney"?
Who put this in,
attorney-at-law?
Your wife did. She gave me
an extra 15 cents for that.
I'll pay you a quarter
if you change my name
back to Floyd smoot.
Will you be quiet?
Look, Mr. drucker,
if it's all the same to you,
I'd just as soon not be
listed as attorney-at-law.
Now, is there any way
we can remove it?
Not in this edition.
I'd be glad to leave it
out of the next one.
Oh, when does
that come out?
Uh, 1972.
Lisa, I want
to talk to you.
Uh...What are
you doing?
Separating the whites
from the jokes.
Separating?
I'm making a cake.
Darling, would you please
put this in the oven?
In the oven?
Yes. The cookbook
says that the oven
should be heated
to 325 degrees "f."
This is a fever
thermometer.
Well, that's what
an "f" stands for.
No, no. "F" stands
for fahrenheit.
When a person
is sick, then--
what are you doing?
Like the book said,
I'm shifting the flour.
Sifting.
There's no "h" in it.
How do you zift?
There's no "z"
in it, either.
Come over here,
will you please?
I want to talk to you.
Now sit down.
What is it?
Sit down.
Now, I came home
to ask you
why you put this
in the phone book.
"Douglas,
Oliver Wendell."
They always put it
backwards. You see?
"Smoot, Floyd.
Pratt, Charley."
When you look up a name,
it's easier that way.
I understand that.
Then what's
the problem?
I want to know why
you listed me as
an attorney-at-law.
Do you know how
to fold an egg?
I asked you a question.
What was it?
How do you fold--
why did you list me
as attorney-at-law?
You always had it listed
that way in New York
and it only cost
15 cents more, so i--
I didn't want it listed that way
in the hooterville directory.
Why not?
Because I didn't come out
here to practice law.
Maybe Alice would know
how to fold an egg.
Alice?
Well, she's a chicken.
Why don't you ask her?
Where is she?
Aww, now--look,
let me explain to you
why I don't want
to be in the book.
Up to now, I've
soft-pedaled the fact
that I'm an attorney.
Now that it's in the book,
everybody in the valley
will be calling me,
wanting me to represent them,
I won't have any time
to do my farming!
Well, I am--
no, look, the phone will
be going day and night.
I'll be up and down
that pole every 5 minutes.
Why don't you call
the phone company
and get
an unlisted pole?
They don't have
unlisted poles.
I am sorry, darling,
but it does look so pretty.
Yes, but--
and you are pretty, too.
Now, don't try
to get around me.
You shouldn't have done
that without asking me.
All right, when the phone
rings, you answer it.
don't bother me. And
just tell whoever it is
that I'm not interested
in practicing law.
Maybe it's
something important.
I came out
here to get away
from people and
their legal problems.
I just want
to be a farmer.
All right,
you'll be a farmer,
and I'll be
a cake maker.
Fine!
Do you think
i could use a book?
What for?
To put the egg in it
and fold it.
Ralph, darling!
Howdy doody.
Hey, what
are you doing?
Alf:
Playing casino.
Playing casino?
Well, that's very nice,
but you're supposed to be
building the bedroom!
I'm building eights.
I'm building tens.
Well, I'm not paying
you to play cards.
The only reason
we stopped work
is 'cause the new
phone book came out.
What is this, some kind
of holiday around here?
What's the phone book
got to--
oh, darling,
excuse me.
Ralph, darling, do you
know how to fold an egg?
Into what?
[Sighs]
A cake.
Oh, no, I only took
woodshop in school.
I never took cookin'.
I did. What do
you want to know?
I want to know why
you're not working!
We explained
that to you.
It's 'cause of
the new phone book.
I don't see
the connection!
Well, you're listed
as a lawyer.
Yes.
So we thought maybe
you'd want us
to add an office
onto the bedroom.
No, I don't.
We can build a lawyer stand
right near the road.
I have--
a lawyer stand?
Yeah. That's just
like a fruit stand
except you sell law.
You see what
you've done?
They want to build
me a lawyer stand,
the phone is ringing
every minute--
it hasn't rung once.
don't worry, it will.
Now, you get back to work.
Alf, darling, do you really
know how to fold an egg?
Yes, ma'am. I got
b+ in egg-foldin'.
Come with me!
Morning, counselor!
Oh, you saw
the phone book.
Yes, sir. It's the biggest
thing that's happened
in the valley since
the mail order catalog
came out with the men's
underwear ads in full color.
Well, I bet that
was a big event.
They closed the schools.
Oh, come on.
They had to.
It was Saturday.
Eb, please.
What are you doing?
I'm fixing the wheel.
What are you
doing that for
if you're going back
into law practice?
Look, I'm not--
glad to hear you've
come to your senses,
giving up farming to do
something you know how to do.
I am not going back
into law practice.
Then why did you spend
15 cents to get listed?
Mrs. Douglas did that.
I wish she hadn't.
That phone will be
ringing all day.
Get any calls yet?
No, but
it won't be long.
There! That fixes it.
What was wrong
with it?
Oh, every time
i went over a bump
the wheel would come
off in my hands like--
this stupid tractor!
I wouldn't yell at
it if I was--
I'll yell at it
if I want to!
It's very sensitive.
It always used to do that
when Mr. haney yelled at it.
It's about time I started
yelling at Mr. haney.
Mr. haney--
oh, you drove your
tractor over here!
That's a good idea, taking
the steering wheel off
so's nobody can steal it.
Steal it? Anybody
wants to steal that
they're welcome to it.
Oh, I guess you
won't be needing it
now that you've
given up farming
to practice law.
Mr. haney, i--
I saw your listing
in the phone book.
No matter what you saw
listed in the phone book,
I am not practicing law.
Then why are
the Monroe brothers
building you
a law office?
They're not building me
a law office
or a lawyer's stand.
What's that?
It's like a fruit stand
except you sell law.
I never heard of that.
Did you have one of
them in New York?
No, I didn't.
I came over here
to talk to you--
got it right here!
Come on.
Be careful
through here.
Yes, it's--
don't step on
that accordion.
[Accordion squeals]
There. It's a frame
for your di-ploma.
I don't need
a frame--
it matches
the rest of the set.
What set?
This here genuine
lawyer's desk.
Once the property of
one of the greatest
legal minds
in this country.
You've heard of
the famous monkey trial?
Yes.
Just look at the
initials carved there.
"C.D." Are you
trying to tell me
that this desk once belonged
to Clarence darrow?
No, Clyde dinglehoffer.
Look, Mr. haney, I came
over here to ask you
for my money back on
that tractor you sold me.
Well, what's
wrong with it?
What's wrong?!
The steering wheel
came off for one thing!
Oh, well, I can let you
have this one for $2.00.
That's the one
i brought over!
Do I get my money
back or not?
Well, let's see now,
how much did you
pay me for that?
$75!
I'll tell you
what I'll do.
I can let you have
$8.00 on that tractor
towards the purchase
of this magnificant
chair, desk,
and di-ploma frame.
Mr. haney, I'm gonna sue
you for that tractor
and for every bit of defective
equipment you've sold me.
Mr. Douglas,
do I detect a note
of disappointment
in your voice?
Yes, you do!
Well, I don't want
any unhappy customers.
If you'll just make out
a list of your grievances--
all right. I haven't got
anything to write with.
Would you care
to buy a pen?
[Sighs] When I do
make out my list,
you'll find them
in the complaint
that I'm going to file
with the court.
Mr. Douglas! Where did
you park your car?
Out in front
of your house.
Then I'll validate
your parking ticket.
I haven't got one.
Well, in that case,
it'll be 15 cents.
I'll just take this
for my diploma.
That'll bring us
out even.
[Slam]
He must've been
taking haney lessons.
[Snip]
Hello, honey.
Darling, where were you?
I was looking for you.
Oh, you got some
messages for me.
I told you
the phone--
no phone calls,
no messages.
Oh, come on.
There must have been.
No, the phone
didn't ring.
That's impossible.
I thought you didn't
want it to ring.
I didn't want it to,
but you put that thing--
was that the telephone?
No. Am I doing
this right?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
This is going to be
a pound cake,
and I'm trying to weigh it
so it weighs a pound,
but every time it starts
to weigh 2 pounds.
That means the bowl
weighs 2 pounds.
I never thought
of that.
Sure. If you want to
make a one-pound cake,
you got to add enough
batter to the bowl
so that the whole thing
weighs 3 pounds.
For one pound cake?
That doesn't make sense.
It doesn't have to be
a one-pound cake.
That's just
the name of the cake.
You can make it weigh as
many pounds as you wish.
Why aren't i
as smart as you?
You don't have to be
smart. You're pretty.
Yep.
Pretty smart?
Nope.
Smarter than you?
Do you know
how to fold an egg?
No.
I do. Alf taught me.
You let an egg fry
for 10 minutes,
when it gets hard,
you fold it.
I don't think
that's the right way.
Alf got b+
in egg folding.
He probably cheated
on his exams.
Was that the phone?
I haven't
heard anything.
You sure?
It didn't ring.
It will.
[Knock on door]
Who's there?
Oh, come in.
Hank kimball.
[Thump]
Hello, Mr. Douglas.
Hey, your wife said
you were in here.
Well, she didn't say
you were in here,
she said you were
out here--wherever you are.
Whew. Say...
This is quite a law office
you're building.
Smart move, giving up
farming to practice law.
I'm not giving up
farming.
Oh, then it isn't
a very smart move.
It's a very--no,
it isn't that, either.
What are you gonna do
with this law office?
It's not a law office.
Ohh! You going
to practice law
from one of those
roadside stands?
I know a doctor over
at steuben bluffs
has a doctor stand.
Very interesting.
What is? Oh,
the doctor stand.
Yes, on a sick day, he's got
cars piled up for miles.
Well, not for miles.
There was sure a lot
of them piled up, though.
It was quite an accident.
Lucky thing it happened
near the doctor stand.
I suppose your phone's been
ringing all morning, too.
Too?
I paid for one of those
fancy listings like yours.
Of course, mine didn't
say "attorney-at-law."
It said "kimball, Hank--
county agent."
It's amazing how many people
notice things like that.
Last count, I had 87 calls.
87?!
Of course, that doesn't
count the 4 times
the phone rang while
i was in the bathtub.
Or was it the shower?
No, it was the bathtub.
I don't have a shower.
87 calls?!
How many times did they
get you out of the shower?
Or do you prefer a tub?
It's interesting
how many people
prefer a bathtub
to a shower.
Take my mother-in-law.
[Ringing]
Oh, the phone!
What about it?
It's ringing!
I guess it's been doing
that all morning, huh?
Lucky thing you weren't
in the shower or the tub
or whichever you prefer.
Hello?
Yes, this is
Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Kiley? Oh, well--
yeah, you saw it, eh?
Well, I really don't want to
go back into law practice,
but if I can be
of any assist--what?
Mr. kimball, it's for you.
Oh, that makes 88.
I had my mother transfer
all my calls over here.
Thank you.
Hello?
Yes, this is kimball, Hank,
your county agent,
as listed in
the latest edition
of the hooterville
telephone directory. Ha ha!
Ahem. Yes, Mr. Kiley?
What? Oh, he did?
Well, I suggest you come
over to the house tonight
and I'll dictate a brief
and we'll file suit first
thing tomorrow morning
in the pixley
superior court.
Yeah. In the meantime,
I wouldn't discuss
the case with anyone.
Bye-bye.
Well, thank you.
Wait a second. Were you
giving him legal advice?
Legal advice?
No, I wasn't giving
him legal advice.
I was giving him--
yes, I guess I was.
Well, thanks for
the use of the phone.
Oh, that's all right.
Well, if I get
any more calls,
I'll be over at the crabwell
corners municipal court.
I'm trying
to get the judge
to give me a change
of venue for--
venue's a legal term.
It means--
I know what it means!
I studied law.
Oh, hey, I forgot.
Well, see you in court.
Darling, will you help me
put this in the oven?
What have you got in there,
a Turkey--ooh!
The cake!
The pound cake?
You told me it doesn't
have to be one pound,
so I made it 20 pounds.
You don't cook a cake in--
well, what difference
does it make?
Open the oven.
Why are you
so grumpy?
I am not grumpy!
That was grumpy!
Obviously you don't want me
to bake the cake.
I don't care.
You're grumpy at the phone
because it didn't ring.
I'm not grumpy.
Just disappointed.
Now that everybody
knows that I'm a lawyer,
you'd think that
somebody would call.
But you don't want
anybody to call you.
I know it, but now
that it's in the book,
it seems that--
was that the phone?
I don't think so.
Oh, your pride is hurt.
Maybe it is.
In New York,
i was in big demand.
No!
You want to go back?
You want to kiss me?
No!
[Telephone rings]
You want to
answer the phone?
No!
It's ringing.
The--the phone
is ringing!
[Crash]
Mr. Douglas,
the phone's ringing.
I heard it!
What?
Eb: Mr. Douglas!
The phone's ringing.
I know!
Howdy doody!
Oh, honey--
phone's ringing.
I know! Let me by!
I can't! I'm stuck!
[Telephone ringing]
Ahh...
[Rings]
Ain't you gonna
answer the phone?
I'm trying to!
Who was it?
I don't know yet.
The phone's
still ringing.
I know!
don't slam the door!
You'll ruin the cake!
[Door slams]
Hello?
Mr. Douglas?
Yes.
This is Harry bleedswell
over at pixley.
I just got
my new phone book.
I see you're
an attorney.
That's right.
I'd like to come
over and talk to you.
Well, perhaps I can squeeze
you in later in the week.
I thought maybe you
could make it today.
It's very important.
Well, uh...
I'd appreciate it
if you'd let me
come over in
about an hour.
You better make
it half hour.
Thank you.
Lisa! I got
my first case!
Honey...
Darling, would you please
help me close this?
A little later, please.
I want you to meet
Mr. bleedswell.
He's the man who called me.
My wife--Mrs. Douglas.
Hello,
Mr. bleedswell.
How do you do?
Sit down, please.
We'll have some coffee.
No, thank you.
Would you like to have
a piece of cake?
I have a whole oven
full of it.
No, I came just
for business.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Now, about your case--
well, it isn't
exactly a case.
Now, I'm the attorney.
Please let me decide whether
we've got a case or not.
I'm with the pixley
chamber of commerce.
Perhaps I'd better
take some notes.
Oh, yes. Could I have
a pad and a pencil, please?
Yes, darling.
Uh, continue.
Well, every year,
we put on--
here you are,
sweetheart.
Thank you. Could you do
something with that?
Yes, darling.
Go ahead.
Every year we have
the pixley pageant.
Pixley pageant.
It's a big celebration.
A parade and a picnic,
and we put out a special
souvenir bulletin--
souvenir bulletin--
could we get to
the point, please?
I saw your name in the phone
book for the first time,
and being as how
you're new around here,
I thought you'd like
to take out an ad
and let the folks know
you're an attorney.
An ad?!
Is something burning?
My husband.
No, besides me.
Oh, darling! My cake!
Ooh!
Darling,
here, here.
[Thud]
It's all right.
My cake didn't
burn too much.
Something's
still burning.
My hat!
Oh!
I'm sorry!
[Sputtering]
Oh, you're sorry?
You ruined it!
Ohh, of all the--
oh, all right,
she said she was sorry.
Now, if you hadn't
said you had a case,
this thing wouldn't
have happened.
I never said
i had a case!
But I can say it now!
Oh, you poor,
poor fellow.
don't touch me!
I ought to sue you
for a burned hat--ohh!
And whatever I broke.
Mr. bleedswell!
Mr. bleedswell,
please!
Wait a minute!
Oh, Mr. bleedswell.
Here, let me help you.
I'm so sorry.
Are you hurt?
Why don't you look--
[crash]
My car! Ooh!
I'm suing him and you
and you!
And anybody else
who's around here!
You just do that! Have
your attorney call me!
I'm in the book!
Douglas, Oliver Wendell!
[Smack]
Ah, here it is.
Lawson v. Holmes.
This is very similar
to Ralph's case.
It seems that this workman
accidentally hit this--
then he can't
sue Ralph.
Well, he could sue her,
but with the defense
I've got planned,
it wouldn't--
what about Mr. haney?
Mr. haney's all right,
because I remember a case
in the New York
supreme--
my first cake.
[Thump]
Yes, yes.
You see, darling,
how clever I was
to put in the phone book
"attorney-at-law"?
Otherwise, the man wouldn't
have come over for an ad
and nothing would have
happened to him
and you wouldn't
have had 2 cases.
Yes, that's one way
of looking at it.
Here,
have some cake.
I'm not very--
come on, try it.
Ahem. Heh heh.
Oh, thank you.
I was looking
all over for that.
Lisa, that could be considered
criminal negligence.
There was a fella in Boston
stuck his fork in a pie--
[clinking]
So that's where
that went.
Yes, are you missing
anything else?
I can't find
the salt shaker.
You--
oh. Thank you.
What else?
Well, one of my
earrings are missing.
Your earrings.
Well, I...
This one?
Yes, darling.
Thank you.
Anything else?
The frying pan.
Lisa, please!
Well done, darling.
You can go ahead and eat it.
There's only cake left.
I'm not hungry.
Besides, there's something
I've got to do.
What?
I've got to go
frame my di-ploma.
Darling?
Are you missing
a necktie?
Captioning made possible by
mgm home entertainment
mgm home entertainment
Oliver: ♪ green acres
is the place to be ♪
♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪
♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪
♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me that countryside ♪
Lisa: ♪ New York ♪
♪ is where
I'd rather stay ♪
♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪
♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪
♪ darling,
i love you ♪
♪ but give me
park Avenue ♪
♪ the chores ♪
♪ the stores ♪
♪ fresh air ♪
♪ Times Square ♪
♪ you are my wife ♪
♪ good-bye,
city life ♪
Both: ♪ green acres,
we are there ♪
[Music playing]
What you got there?
The new phone book.
I just finished printing them.
Ahh.
Let me see one of them.
My name ain't in here.
Right there it is.
"Smoot, Floyd."
My name is Floyd smoot.
You printed it
backwards again.
Floyd...
They did
the same thing to you.
You're "Pratt, Charley."
Floyd, that's
the way you--
well, good morning,
gentlemen.
Morning,
Mr. Douglas.
Morning.
Hey, Mr. Douglas.
Sam, I want
this changed.
It can't
be changed.
It can, too.
Can't it, Mr. Douglas?
Huh? What's wrong,
Mr. smoot?
That's what's wrong.
I'm not Mr. smoot anymore.
I'm Mr. Floyd.
What?
The new phone book
just came out.
Yeah, they put all
the names backwards.
See? "Smoot, Floyd."
Well, that's the way
they print them.
Alphabetically.
Makes it easier to find.
I don't know how
you figure that.
If a man is lookin'
for Floyd smoot,
he don't look up
smoot Floyd.
Oh, by the way,
congratulations, Mr. Douglas.
What for?
For your new listing.
Oh! "Douglas,
Oliver Wendell."
Attorney-at-law?
Shouldn't that be
"law-at-attorney"?
Who put this in,
attorney-at-law?
Your wife did. She gave me
an extra 15 cents for that.
I'll pay you a quarter
if you change my name
back to Floyd smoot.
Will you be quiet?
Look, Mr. drucker,
if it's all the same to you,
I'd just as soon not be
listed as attorney-at-law.
Now, is there any way
we can remove it?
Not in this edition.
I'd be glad to leave it
out of the next one.
Oh, when does
that come out?
Uh, 1972.
Lisa, I want
to talk to you.
Uh...What are
you doing?
Separating the whites
from the jokes.
Separating?
I'm making a cake.
Darling, would you please
put this in the oven?
In the oven?
Yes. The cookbook
says that the oven
should be heated
to 325 degrees "f."
This is a fever
thermometer.
Well, that's what
an "f" stands for.
No, no. "F" stands
for fahrenheit.
When a person
is sick, then--
what are you doing?
Like the book said,
I'm shifting the flour.
Sifting.
There's no "h" in it.
How do you zift?
There's no "z"
in it, either.
Come over here,
will you please?
I want to talk to you.
Now sit down.
What is it?
Sit down.
Now, I came home
to ask you
why you put this
in the phone book.
"Douglas,
Oliver Wendell."
They always put it
backwards. You see?
"Smoot, Floyd.
Pratt, Charley."
When you look up a name,
it's easier that way.
I understand that.
Then what's
the problem?
I want to know why
you listed me as
an attorney-at-law.
Do you know how
to fold an egg?
I asked you a question.
What was it?
How do you fold--
why did you list me
as attorney-at-law?
You always had it listed
that way in New York
and it only cost
15 cents more, so i--
I didn't want it listed that way
in the hooterville directory.
Why not?
Because I didn't come out
here to practice law.
Maybe Alice would know
how to fold an egg.
Alice?
Well, she's a chicken.
Why don't you ask her?
Where is she?
Aww, now--look,
let me explain to you
why I don't want
to be in the book.
Up to now, I've
soft-pedaled the fact
that I'm an attorney.
Now that it's in the book,
everybody in the valley
will be calling me,
wanting me to represent them,
I won't have any time
to do my farming!
Well, I am--
no, look, the phone will
be going day and night.
I'll be up and down
that pole every 5 minutes.
Why don't you call
the phone company
and get
an unlisted pole?
They don't have
unlisted poles.
I am sorry, darling,
but it does look so pretty.
Yes, but--
and you are pretty, too.
Now, don't try
to get around me.
You shouldn't have done
that without asking me.
All right, when the phone
rings, you answer it.
don't bother me. And
just tell whoever it is
that I'm not interested
in practicing law.
Maybe it's
something important.
I came out
here to get away
from people and
their legal problems.
I just want
to be a farmer.
All right,
you'll be a farmer,
and I'll be
a cake maker.
Fine!
Do you think
i could use a book?
What for?
To put the egg in it
and fold it.
Ralph, darling!
Howdy doody.
Hey, what
are you doing?
Alf:
Playing casino.
Playing casino?
Well, that's very nice,
but you're supposed to be
building the bedroom!
I'm building eights.
I'm building tens.
Well, I'm not paying
you to play cards.
The only reason
we stopped work
is 'cause the new
phone book came out.
What is this, some kind
of holiday around here?
What's the phone book
got to--
oh, darling,
excuse me.
Ralph, darling, do you
know how to fold an egg?
Into what?
[Sighs]
A cake.
Oh, no, I only took
woodshop in school.
I never took cookin'.
I did. What do
you want to know?
I want to know why
you're not working!
We explained
that to you.
It's 'cause of
the new phone book.
I don't see
the connection!
Well, you're listed
as a lawyer.
Yes.
So we thought maybe
you'd want us
to add an office
onto the bedroom.
No, I don't.
We can build a lawyer stand
right near the road.
I have--
a lawyer stand?
Yeah. That's just
like a fruit stand
except you sell law.
You see what
you've done?
They want to build
me a lawyer stand,
the phone is ringing
every minute--
it hasn't rung once.
don't worry, it will.
Now, you get back to work.
Alf, darling, do you really
know how to fold an egg?
Yes, ma'am. I got
b+ in egg-foldin'.
Come with me!
Morning, counselor!
Oh, you saw
the phone book.
Yes, sir. It's the biggest
thing that's happened
in the valley since
the mail order catalog
came out with the men's
underwear ads in full color.
Well, I bet that
was a big event.
They closed the schools.
Oh, come on.
They had to.
It was Saturday.
Eb, please.
What are you doing?
I'm fixing the wheel.
What are you
doing that for
if you're going back
into law practice?
Look, I'm not--
glad to hear you've
come to your senses,
giving up farming to do
something you know how to do.
I am not going back
into law practice.
Then why did you spend
15 cents to get listed?
Mrs. Douglas did that.
I wish she hadn't.
That phone will be
ringing all day.
Get any calls yet?
No, but
it won't be long.
There! That fixes it.
What was wrong
with it?
Oh, every time
i went over a bump
the wheel would come
off in my hands like--
this stupid tractor!
I wouldn't yell at
it if I was--
I'll yell at it
if I want to!
It's very sensitive.
It always used to do that
when Mr. haney yelled at it.
It's about time I started
yelling at Mr. haney.
Mr. haney--
oh, you drove your
tractor over here!
That's a good idea, taking
the steering wheel off
so's nobody can steal it.
Steal it? Anybody
wants to steal that
they're welcome to it.
Oh, I guess you
won't be needing it
now that you've
given up farming
to practice law.
Mr. haney, i--
I saw your listing
in the phone book.
No matter what you saw
listed in the phone book,
I am not practicing law.
Then why are
the Monroe brothers
building you
a law office?
They're not building me
a law office
or a lawyer's stand.
What's that?
It's like a fruit stand
except you sell law.
I never heard of that.
Did you have one of
them in New York?
No, I didn't.
I came over here
to talk to you--
got it right here!
Come on.
Be careful
through here.
Yes, it's--
don't step on
that accordion.
[Accordion squeals]
There. It's a frame
for your di-ploma.
I don't need
a frame--
it matches
the rest of the set.
What set?
This here genuine
lawyer's desk.
Once the property of
one of the greatest
legal minds
in this country.
You've heard of
the famous monkey trial?
Yes.
Just look at the
initials carved there.
"C.D." Are you
trying to tell me
that this desk once belonged
to Clarence darrow?
No, Clyde dinglehoffer.
Look, Mr. haney, I came
over here to ask you
for my money back on
that tractor you sold me.
Well, what's
wrong with it?
What's wrong?!
The steering wheel
came off for one thing!
Oh, well, I can let you
have this one for $2.00.
That's the one
i brought over!
Do I get my money
back or not?
Well, let's see now,
how much did you
pay me for that?
$75!
I'll tell you
what I'll do.
I can let you have
$8.00 on that tractor
towards the purchase
of this magnificant
chair, desk,
and di-ploma frame.
Mr. haney, I'm gonna sue
you for that tractor
and for every bit of defective
equipment you've sold me.
Mr. Douglas,
do I detect a note
of disappointment
in your voice?
Yes, you do!
Well, I don't want
any unhappy customers.
If you'll just make out
a list of your grievances--
all right. I haven't got
anything to write with.
Would you care
to buy a pen?
[Sighs] When I do
make out my list,
you'll find them
in the complaint
that I'm going to file
with the court.
Mr. Douglas! Where did
you park your car?
Out in front
of your house.
Then I'll validate
your parking ticket.
I haven't got one.
Well, in that case,
it'll be 15 cents.
I'll just take this
for my diploma.
That'll bring us
out even.
[Slam]
He must've been
taking haney lessons.
[Snip]
Hello, honey.
Darling, where were you?
I was looking for you.
Oh, you got some
messages for me.
I told you
the phone--
no phone calls,
no messages.
Oh, come on.
There must have been.
No, the phone
didn't ring.
That's impossible.
I thought you didn't
want it to ring.
I didn't want it to,
but you put that thing--
was that the telephone?
No. Am I doing
this right?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
This is going to be
a pound cake,
and I'm trying to weigh it
so it weighs a pound,
but every time it starts
to weigh 2 pounds.
That means the bowl
weighs 2 pounds.
I never thought
of that.
Sure. If you want to
make a one-pound cake,
you got to add enough
batter to the bowl
so that the whole thing
weighs 3 pounds.
For one pound cake?
That doesn't make sense.
It doesn't have to be
a one-pound cake.
That's just
the name of the cake.
You can make it weigh as
many pounds as you wish.
Why aren't i
as smart as you?
You don't have to be
smart. You're pretty.
Yep.
Pretty smart?
Nope.
Smarter than you?
Do you know
how to fold an egg?
No.
I do. Alf taught me.
You let an egg fry
for 10 minutes,
when it gets hard,
you fold it.
I don't think
that's the right way.
Alf got b+
in egg folding.
He probably cheated
on his exams.
Was that the phone?
I haven't
heard anything.
You sure?
It didn't ring.
It will.
[Knock on door]
Who's there?
Oh, come in.
Hank kimball.
[Thump]
Hello, Mr. Douglas.
Hey, your wife said
you were in here.
Well, she didn't say
you were in here,
she said you were
out here--wherever you are.
Whew. Say...
This is quite a law office
you're building.
Smart move, giving up
farming to practice law.
I'm not giving up
farming.
Oh, then it isn't
a very smart move.
It's a very--no,
it isn't that, either.
What are you gonna do
with this law office?
It's not a law office.
Ohh! You going
to practice law
from one of those
roadside stands?
I know a doctor over
at steuben bluffs
has a doctor stand.
Very interesting.
What is? Oh,
the doctor stand.
Yes, on a sick day, he's got
cars piled up for miles.
Well, not for miles.
There was sure a lot
of them piled up, though.
It was quite an accident.
Lucky thing it happened
near the doctor stand.
I suppose your phone's been
ringing all morning, too.
Too?
I paid for one of those
fancy listings like yours.
Of course, mine didn't
say "attorney-at-law."
It said "kimball, Hank--
county agent."
It's amazing how many people
notice things like that.
Last count, I had 87 calls.
87?!
Of course, that doesn't
count the 4 times
the phone rang while
i was in the bathtub.
Or was it the shower?
No, it was the bathtub.
I don't have a shower.
87 calls?!
How many times did they
get you out of the shower?
Or do you prefer a tub?
It's interesting
how many people
prefer a bathtub
to a shower.
Take my mother-in-law.
[Ringing]
Oh, the phone!
What about it?
It's ringing!
I guess it's been doing
that all morning, huh?
Lucky thing you weren't
in the shower or the tub
or whichever you prefer.
Hello?
Yes, this is
Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Kiley? Oh, well--
yeah, you saw it, eh?
Well, I really don't want to
go back into law practice,
but if I can be
of any assist--what?
Mr. kimball, it's for you.
Oh, that makes 88.
I had my mother transfer
all my calls over here.
Thank you.
Hello?
Yes, this is kimball, Hank,
your county agent,
as listed in
the latest edition
of the hooterville
telephone directory. Ha ha!
Ahem. Yes, Mr. Kiley?
What? Oh, he did?
Well, I suggest you come
over to the house tonight
and I'll dictate a brief
and we'll file suit first
thing tomorrow morning
in the pixley
superior court.
Yeah. In the meantime,
I wouldn't discuss
the case with anyone.
Bye-bye.
Well, thank you.
Wait a second. Were you
giving him legal advice?
Legal advice?
No, I wasn't giving
him legal advice.
I was giving him--
yes, I guess I was.
Well, thanks for
the use of the phone.
Oh, that's all right.
Well, if I get
any more calls,
I'll be over at the crabwell
corners municipal court.
I'm trying
to get the judge
to give me a change
of venue for--
venue's a legal term.
It means--
I know what it means!
I studied law.
Oh, hey, I forgot.
Well, see you in court.
Darling, will you help me
put this in the oven?
What have you got in there,
a Turkey--ooh!
The cake!
The pound cake?
You told me it doesn't
have to be one pound,
so I made it 20 pounds.
You don't cook a cake in--
well, what difference
does it make?
Open the oven.
Why are you
so grumpy?
I am not grumpy!
That was grumpy!
Obviously you don't want me
to bake the cake.
I don't care.
You're grumpy at the phone
because it didn't ring.
I'm not grumpy.
Just disappointed.
Now that everybody
knows that I'm a lawyer,
you'd think that
somebody would call.
But you don't want
anybody to call you.
I know it, but now
that it's in the book,
it seems that--
was that the phone?
I don't think so.
Oh, your pride is hurt.
Maybe it is.
In New York,
i was in big demand.
No!
You want to go back?
You want to kiss me?
No!
[Telephone rings]
You want to
answer the phone?
No!
It's ringing.
The--the phone
is ringing!
[Crash]
Mr. Douglas,
the phone's ringing.
I heard it!
What?
Eb: Mr. Douglas!
The phone's ringing.
I know!
Howdy doody!
Oh, honey--
phone's ringing.
I know! Let me by!
I can't! I'm stuck!
[Telephone ringing]
Ahh...
[Rings]
Ain't you gonna
answer the phone?
I'm trying to!
Who was it?
I don't know yet.
The phone's
still ringing.
I know!
don't slam the door!
You'll ruin the cake!
[Door slams]
Hello?
Mr. Douglas?
Yes.
This is Harry bleedswell
over at pixley.
I just got
my new phone book.
I see you're
an attorney.
That's right.
I'd like to come
over and talk to you.
Well, perhaps I can squeeze
you in later in the week.
I thought maybe you
could make it today.
It's very important.
Well, uh...
I'd appreciate it
if you'd let me
come over in
about an hour.
You better make
it half hour.
Thank you.
Lisa! I got
my first case!
Honey...
Darling, would you please
help me close this?
A little later, please.
I want you to meet
Mr. bleedswell.
He's the man who called me.
My wife--Mrs. Douglas.
Hello,
Mr. bleedswell.
How do you do?
Sit down, please.
We'll have some coffee.
No, thank you.
Would you like to have
a piece of cake?
I have a whole oven
full of it.
No, I came just
for business.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Now, about your case--
well, it isn't
exactly a case.
Now, I'm the attorney.
Please let me decide whether
we've got a case or not.
I'm with the pixley
chamber of commerce.
Perhaps I'd better
take some notes.
Oh, yes. Could I have
a pad and a pencil, please?
Yes, darling.
Uh, continue.
Well, every year,
we put on--
here you are,
sweetheart.
Thank you. Could you do
something with that?
Yes, darling.
Go ahead.
Every year we have
the pixley pageant.
Pixley pageant.
It's a big celebration.
A parade and a picnic,
and we put out a special
souvenir bulletin--
souvenir bulletin--
could we get to
the point, please?
I saw your name in the phone
book for the first time,
and being as how
you're new around here,
I thought you'd like
to take out an ad
and let the folks know
you're an attorney.
An ad?!
Is something burning?
My husband.
No, besides me.
Oh, darling! My cake!
Ooh!
Darling,
here, here.
[Thud]
It's all right.
My cake didn't
burn too much.
Something's
still burning.
My hat!
Oh!
I'm sorry!
[Sputtering]
Oh, you're sorry?
You ruined it!
Ohh, of all the--
oh, all right,
she said she was sorry.
Now, if you hadn't
said you had a case,
this thing wouldn't
have happened.
I never said
i had a case!
But I can say it now!
Oh, you poor,
poor fellow.
don't touch me!
I ought to sue you
for a burned hat--ohh!
And whatever I broke.
Mr. bleedswell!
Mr. bleedswell,
please!
Wait a minute!
Oh, Mr. bleedswell.
Here, let me help you.
I'm so sorry.
Are you hurt?
Why don't you look--
[crash]
My car! Ooh!
I'm suing him and you
and you!
And anybody else
who's around here!
You just do that! Have
your attorney call me!
I'm in the book!
Douglas, Oliver Wendell!
[Smack]
Ah, here it is.
Lawson v. Holmes.
This is very similar
to Ralph's case.
It seems that this workman
accidentally hit this--
then he can't
sue Ralph.
Well, he could sue her,
but with the defense
I've got planned,
it wouldn't--
what about Mr. haney?
Mr. haney's all right,
because I remember a case
in the New York
supreme--
my first cake.
[Thump]
Yes, yes.
You see, darling,
how clever I was
to put in the phone book
"attorney-at-law"?
Otherwise, the man wouldn't
have come over for an ad
and nothing would have
happened to him
and you wouldn't
have had 2 cases.
Yes, that's one way
of looking at it.
Here,
have some cake.
I'm not very--
come on, try it.
Ahem. Heh heh.
Oh, thank you.
I was looking
all over for that.
Lisa, that could be considered
criminal negligence.
There was a fella in Boston
stuck his fork in a pie--
[clinking]
So that's where
that went.
Yes, are you missing
anything else?
I can't find
the salt shaker.
You--
oh. Thank you.
What else?
Well, one of my
earrings are missing.
Your earrings.
Well, I...
This one?
Yes, darling.
Thank you.
Anything else?
The frying pan.
Lisa, please!
Well done, darling.
You can go ahead and eat it.
There's only cake left.
I'm not hungry.
Besides, there's something
I've got to do.
What?
I've got to go
frame my di-ploma.
Darling?
Are you missing
a necktie?
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