Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 7 - Bang - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

Nora looked for trouble,

and found it.

You will never again see my husband.

[Mary Alice] Julie got to know
Edie's nephew.

Couldn't take her eyes off my abs.
I felt violated.

Susan and Ian made plans.

- I'd love to go to France someday.
- You like to go next month?

Gabrielle and Carlos reunited.

- It's been a long time.
- And dinner with the Bigsbys...

That's the police report that Alma filed
after Orson hit her.



... was full of surprises.

I'm going through something.
I had an affair.

[Mary Alice] It was supposed to be
an ordinary day for Carolyn Bigsby.

She had planned
to bake her husband a strudel,

give her dog a bath,

and water her African violets.

Yes, Carolyn had planned

to do all sorts of things
she thought mattered.

But earlier that day,
a woman who wasn't her friend

told Carolyn something
she wasn't supposed to hear.

From that moment on,

Carolyn felt nothing
really mattered anymore.

- [woman] Hello, Carolyn.
- Yeah, hey, how are you?

Carolyn, what are you doing here?



I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you
love this Monique woman so much,

maybe you should be with her.

For God's sake, Carolyn, she's dead.

Yeah, I know.

- Oh!
- [gunshot]

[people screaming]

[Mary Alice] Yes, Carolyn Bigsby
had planned on it being an ordinary day.

Harvey, you come out of there, damn it.

But as every housewife knows...

Down. Nobody goes anywhere.

... plans change.

Lynette Scavo had a dream last night.

It was one she'd had
many times before.

She dreamt of the last time she saw me.

And of the last time we spoke.

Hey, Mary Alice!

Are you OK?

Yes, thank you.

I'm fine.

OK.

See you later.

[Mary Alice] It was still hard
for Lynette to accept

that this unremarkable exchange
had been our last.

Or that moments later
I would enter my house...

... and put a bullet through my brain.

- [gunshot]
- [gasping]

[panting]

I had the Mary Alice dream
again last night.

- Oh, hon, again?
- I haven't had it for months.

- I don't know why it came back.
- Somebody just bought her old house.

- Maybe that triggered something.
- It was awful, as always.

I saw she was in pain
and I just walked away.

There was nothing you could do.

And that's what I did, nothing.

Hey, is that the new neighbor?

- He's cute.
- Edie said he's a bachelor.

- Keep talking.
- Who lives with his invalid sister.

You can stop now.

Should we go introduce ourselves?

Yeah. Let's give him the scoop
on the neighborhood.

Do you think he knows Mary Alice
shot herself in his living room?

Then again, he probably
wants some time to unpack.

Orson, if you have a moment, there's
something I'd like your thoughts on.

Certainly. What is it,
a venue for our holiday open house?

No! It's a police report from the night
you beat your first wife.

I'm still working on the menu.

I assure you, I did not beat my wife.

She suffered these injuries in a fall.

- How did she fall?
- I pushed her.

It was self-defense.
She attacked me.

Why would she attack you?

She spilled some red wine
on a white table cloth.

She was cleaning it with dish soap.
When I pointed out her mistake,

she started screaming,
"Shut up!"

and striking me repeatedly
with a saut? pan.

Look. The police dropped the charges.

Where did you get this?

- Carolyn.
- Oh, of course.

Who else? If she paid this much
attention to her own marriage

maybe Harvey wouldn't have
cheated on her.

- Harvey cheated?
- Yes!

With some flight attendant
named Monique.

Darling, I could never strike a woman.

Well, you do believe me, don't you?

All right.
I accept your explanation.

I just wish there were fewer things
for you to explain.

By the way,

to remove a red wine stain
you sprinkle salt to absorb it.

That's just what I was saying to Alma
when she clocked me!

[vehicle approaching]

Whoa. What fresh hell is this?

- Hey, Tom?
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

You've stepped onto my property
and talked to Tom.

That's two rules you've broken and I'm
not sure that top doesn't make three.

Would you tell your lunatic wife
I'm not talking to her?

You're the lunatic if you think
I'm letting you near my husband.

Just drop Kayla off and go.

Kayla won't be visiting today.

We're moving, and here's where
you can send the child support.

Mexico?

An old friend of mine got me a sweet job
dancing at a nightclub.

- In Tijuana.
- Great. And you're taking Kayla?

Thank your wife.

She's been itching to get rid of us
ever since we got here.

She finally got her way.

Wave bye-bye to your daddy, honey.

Nora, can we just talk about this?

Oh, we're not allowed to talk.

Remember?

She's Tom's daughter.
Can't just take her out of the country.

Watch me.

[engine starting]

Does either party have anything to add

before I rule on division
of assets and alimony?

No, we're confident that your ruling
will reflect the pain and suffering

endured by my client.

Does the definition
of suffering encompass

the seduction of my client
four days ago?

Excuse me?

She thought he was coming into money
and hoped to stall the divorce

- until she could claim her share.
- How dare you! That is a vicious lie.

[Gabby, on tape]
Oh, Carlos, give it to me.

Carlos, yes, yes!

Carlos!

- You recorded our lovemaking?
- [Carlos] It's all here, Your Honor.

When she climaxes she starts
screaming out dollar amounts.

Mrs. Solis, would you like to respond?

As a matter of fact,
I do have a few thoughts.

Carlos, you're a dead man.
Do you hear me?

The ruling seems fair to me.
You get the house.

- I just get everything in it.
- I said "dead"!

No alimony.
That's a drag.

- But you like to work, right?
- Just give me one shot at him.

I'm willing to do the time!

I was packing your suitcase,

You're out of toothpaste. Do you want me
to go to the store and get some?

What is this?

Oh, um... It was Austin's, OK?

Edie's nephew?
Since when are you friends?

We are not friends.
I was tutoring him. He brought beer.

I told him to throw it out, he did.
End of story.

- Did you have any?
- [scoffs]

I cannot believe your timing.

I about to fly off to Paris

and you're inviting boys over
for Oktoberfest.

Go and finish packing.
This conversation's over.

- Last time I checked I was the parent.
- Last time I checked I was the daughter

who never gave you any reason
to doubt her.

- OK. And...
- Don't play the parent card with me.

I finished packing your suitcase,

doing your laundry
and balancing your checkbook.

And now I'm going to the store
to buy your toothpaste.

Well, a simple "No, I didn't
drink any beer" would have sufficed.

Bree, you haven't returned my calls.
I've been worried.

Have you told the wife beater
you're leaving him?

Sorry, no. Turns out he has
an explanation for the police report.

Come on. There's never a good reason
for hitting a woman.

I used to think that, too.
Then I met you.

Good day.

I'm trying to help you.
You're living in a fool's paradise.

Well, I guess that makes us neighbors.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you should stop worrying about
my marriage and worry about your own.

- [revving engine]
- [screeching]

[car door opens, closes]

Don't play coy with me.

You've got something to say,
just say it.

OK. Does the name Monique
mean anything to you?

Hey, I found this site that offers
really cheap fares to Tijuana,

but should I even be thinking
of going to Tijuana?

Fine with me. As soon as you figure
out a way to leave your genitals here.

What are you saying, Lynette?
I'm not allowed to visit my daughter?

See? This is exactly what she wants.

She takes Kayla and I get blamed.

Well, screw her.
Let's sue for custody.

Full custody?
You'd go for that?

You bet I would.

Kayla will be much better off
without "Crazy" in her life.

- So will we.
- I... I am right there with you.

I just... I never thought
you'd want a fifth kid.

I don't.

But I didn't want the first four
and they're starting to grow on me.

[door slams]

Hey. Look whose plastic handcuffs
got taken off.

OK. You're clearly still a little miffed
about the settlement.

Come on, be fair.

I did buy most of the stuff
in this house, honey.

[glass breaking]

- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh, I'm helping you pack.

Think of all the money
you're gonna save on bubble wrap.

Hey! Do you know
how much that was worth?

Aah!

Do you know how much I was worth?

When we met
I was on the cover of magazines.

I had a career and a future.

But I gave it all up for you.
And what did I get in return?

If you break one more thing,
so help me.

What? What are you gonna do?

[thumping]

[gasps]

- Carlos, have you lost your mind?
- You're helping me pack my stuff.

I'm helping you remodel your house.

You know, I don't know about you,

but I always thought there should be
a window that was right there.

- [grunting]
- [thumping]

We could stop this right now
or we can keep on playing. Your call.

[woman] Clean up on aisle 12.

Toothpaste. Mouthwash.
Did somebody get an anonymous email?

Said the boy
with the acne cream.

There you go again,
checking out my basket.

Do you know how much trouble
your beer can got me in?

Let me make it up to you.

I'll carry your stuff.

Whatever.

[dialing]

[line ringing]

- Yeah?
- [Carolyn] Harvey, it's me.

Hey, hon, I'm in the middle
of something here.

I know about Monique.

Um... Excuse me a sec.

[woman] Attention shoppers,
welcome to Field's Market.

Sign up for a rewards card today
and get a...

Look, I don't know who you've
been talking to, but, um...

Did you love her?

She was just a friend.

And she disappeared eight months ago.

The police just found her body.

Eight months ago? That's right.
When you fell into that big depression.

And I kept thinking,
"Why is Harvey so blue?

How do I cheer him up?"
That was about her, wasn't it?

It's over.
She's dead.

But if she weren't,

who would you be with, me or her?

She's dead.

[woman] That'll be $12.99.

I'll take your Field's card.

Couldn't keep your wallet
in your pants.

Mr. Bigsby?

Look, um...

...I gotta go.

[line hangs up, dial tone]

[engine starting]

Mommy, look at us!

I'll look as soon as
I get back from the store.

Bye, Mom!

[cell phone ringing]

[panting] This is Edie.

Yeah, I'm his aunt.

He shoplifted what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. [sighs]

Be right there.

You're still packing?
We're going to be late.

We're fine. Besides, I can't leave until
Julie gets back with my toothpaste.

We don't need it.
I packed a large tube and dental floss.

Really?

Why are Americans so amazed
when the English display

the slightest acquaintance
with dental hygiene?

OK. I'm gonna need some help
with this big baby.

Go. Zip, zip, zip.

Susan, do you really need all this?
We're not emigrating.

It's my first time to Paris.
I want it to be magical.

And that means accessories,
so back off.

It's the fashion capitol of the world.

While I'm working
take my credit card and buy new things.

No, no, I am not gonna spend your money.

- I have an expense account.
- And you just tell me this now?

I'll tell the driver you'll be a minute.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Yes, this is her mother.

What?

Well, you're gonna love
the neighborhood.

- Are you all moved in?
- Pretty much.

Just waiting on medical equipment
for my sister.

Oh. Yeah, I heard she isn't well.

- Can I ask what's wrong with her?
- Of course.

Unfortunately, she has
this rare degenerative...

[sighs] That's rough.
Excuse me.

You told me
you weren't friends with him.

- Now you shoplift together?
- Mom, you know I wouldn't steal.

I want to believe that. Suddenly you're
having boys over, drinking beer...

Soon she'll be listening to that
rock and roll everybody talks about.

So, how are we gonna handle this?

I have somebody in the car
who's late for a plane.

- Can you give me two minutes?
- Mom!

I am so disappointed in you.

- Hello, Carolyn.
- Yeah. Hey, how are you?

[door opens]

Look, make him work it off.
You get a free stock boy for a month.

A month?
It was a ten dollar bottle of whiskey.

You weren't even smart enough
to steal the good stuff.

Harvey, don't walk away.

Come on. Let's sort this out.

Hey, Nora, how's tricks?

I thought it was your car in the lot.

You're a conniving bitch.

Ah. I see you've heard from our lawyer.

[Nora] So, it's not enough
that you run me out of town.

You gotta steal my damn kid.

- Carolyn, what are you doing here?
- I've been thinking

that if you love Monique so much...

Even you have to admit
Kayla would be better off with us

than in a dingy apartment
over a Tijuana strip club.

Believe me, Lynette,
you do not want to screw with me.

You went after my husband.

- If anyone should be afraid, it's you.
- [gunshot]

[Edie screams]

Go!

Go!

Harvey!

Harvey, you come out of there, damn it!

Down.

Everybody down.

Nobody goes anywhere.

Don't move.
Get down.

You can't be serious.
We have tickets.

The plane leaves in two hours.

I'm sorry. I know,
Julie picked a lousy time to rebel.

- I just can't fly off and ignore it.
- You're overreacting.

It's an adolescent prank and you're
turning it into some great crisis.

You have a lot of meetings, anyway.
We'll go some other time?

I can't leave Julie right now.

- We'll take her with us!
- Oh, that's responsible parenting.

Stealing whiskey? That's it, young lady,
I'm taking you to Paris.

Ah, but that's just some ruse.

Once we get her on the plane
we make her fly coach,

middle seat, no mercy.

I'm sorry.

It won't be Paris without you.

Hey. What the hell's going on?

- It's Mrs. Bigsby. She has a gun.
- What?

I said nobody move.

She's at the back.

I think we can make it.

- Hey!
- Ow!

Attention shoppers, we're having
a special today on not getting shot.

But it's only available
at the back of the store.

Hey, how are you?

Thanks for joining us.
Do I know you?

My son Jordan's
in your Sunday School class.

Oh, he's a great little boy.

So don't do anything that will make him
wake up tomorrow without a mommy.

Um, for the rest of you,
hi, I'm Carolyn.

I'm sorry for putting a crimp
in your day.

I'm pretty sure that my cheating husband
is phoning the police.

So I'm counting on all you folks
to help me keep them outside

till Harvey and I have a chance to...
talk things over.

Harvey!

You're inconveniencing your customers.
Get out here!

Yeah, she's got hostages!

Oh, my God.
Austin's there. And Julie!

Get your ass out there
before someone gets hurt!

What am I, a moron?
She'll shoot me.

She has got
ten innocent people out there.

Sometimes you've got
to take one for the team.

[line ringing]

- Hello.
- Hello. Sweetie, it's Mommy.

- I need to talk to Daddy.
- Porter's hogging all the Legos.

Tell him I said to share.
Now, put Daddy on!

I did tell him!

But he says he needs them all
for his robot.

Put Daddy on
and I'll buy you a real robot.

You will?

A big one with laser beam eyes.
Now, go get Daddy.

- I'm getting a real robot.
- [Porter] A real robot?

[gasps]

I'm having a real bad day here.

Is a little cooperation
too much to ask?

[Tom] Lynette?

Lynette?

Down at the supermarket.
No, no, it's terrible. Terrible.

- [man] Excuse me.
- Excuse me, what's going on?

- There's a crazy woman with a gun.
- In there!

No, no, no, stay back!
Stay back!

Carolyn, open up.
My daughter's inside.

- Sorry. Store's closed.
- There's a crazy woman in there.

Yeah, I know.

[doorbell ringing]

- Yeah?
- Quick, turn on the TV.

- It's kind of on the fritz.
- Turn on your radio.

- If you'd come ten minutes earlier.
- A woman's shooting at Field's Market.

- She's got hostages.
- Oh, my God.

We're all watching it
over at Bree's house and...

Uh, is everything OK here?

Yeah, everything's fine.
We're having a little squabble.

[revving motor]

Would you give us a minute?

Carlos, where do you think
you're going with that?

Information is very thin at this time.

We do not see anybody
in the front of the building...

Coffee's almost ready.

If you'd prefer to watch the coverage
on channel nine, it's on in the den.

[doorbell rings]

Orson, Greta needs a coaster.

We'll be keeping you posted right here,
live on the air.

Bree, have you heard?

Awful, it's just awful.

- Deviled egg?
- Oh, thank you.

I told you she'd have food.

[Carolyn] I'm sure some of you...

...might be thinking
that this is all my fault.

And that I'm the bad guy here.
But I'm not. He is.

[cell phone ringing]

Will you people stop calling me?
I'm right in the middle of something.

He humiliated me.

First he cheated on me
with a stewardess named Monique.

How clich? is that?

And then he told people about it.

Now there are news trucks out there.

Judy Pope's husband has an affair,
nobody finds out.

Mine cheats
and they break into programming!

The whole town is laughing at me.
You hear that, Harvey?

I only told one person.

Well, it was clearly the wrong one.

[cell phone ringing]

I told you to stop calling me!

Tish, I'm sorry.
I thought it was somebody else.

Oh, my God. Was that today?
I'm so sorry.

I know, Tish. Yeah, I know.
I know I volunteered for the...

How can you look so calm?

- Aren't you scared?
- No.

Because I'm not gonna die today.

And neither are you.

Tish, I really don't think
that I can.

I'm telling you.
Oh, Tish, for God's sakes.

Turn on your damn TV.

[police radio chatter]

Excuse me.
My name is Susan Mayer.

- Ma'am, this is a restricted area.
- I'd like to trade places

with one of the people inside.
You do that?

Oh, you mean
our hostage exchange program?

You don't have to be nasty.
My daughter is inside.

Ma'am, we're doing everything we can
to get her out safely.

Now, please step back.

I want the perimeter locked down.
Nobody in, nobody out.

See if you can get me a phone line
with the manager's office.

[megaphone feedback]

[Susan] Attention, attention,
Carolyn Bigsby.

- Where is that coming from?
- This is Susan Mayer... again.

First of all,
I'm sorry for the crazy lady remark.

Second, I have a proposition for you.

Find her now!

Let Julie go and take me instead.

Repeat. Take me.
I will be a model hostage.

If we have a deal,
signal by sending Julie to the...

Get your hands off me. Carolyn,
Carolyn, call my cell. It's 572...

Now, we don't know where anyone is
inside the building right now.

We are standing by
waiting for information.

I'm hoping to talk to the chief
of police in a couple minutes,

- get a few more details.
- Andrew, would you get the phone?

Police have just released the name
of the hostage taker.

It's Carolyn Bigsby,
wife of store owner Harvey Bigsby.

Harvey has informed police
that he is barricaded inside...

Oh, my God, Bree.
Don't you know her?

Uh... Yes. Um...

I just ran into her this morning.

[Andrew] Uh, Mom?

That was Edie Britt on the phone.

She's inside the market.

Is she all right?

Yeah. Uh, she's locked inside
the manager's office.

But she said that Julie Mayer

and Mrs. Scavo are with the hostages.

[doorbell ringing]

Would you mind watching the kids?
I've got a doctor's appointment

and Lynette is taking her sweet time
at the market.

I'm sorry,
you guys having a party?

We continue to report live on the scene

as the hostage standoff
at Field's Market enters its third hour.

According to a police spokesman,

there has been no further contact
from the hostage taker.

We continue to wait
for the latest information.

No new news at this point.

We'll bring you the latest
as soon as it becomes available.

You all right?

I'm fine.
I'm just running out of food.

And it's not as if I can
go to the grocery store.

- Bree.
- Thank God I found this stale baguette

so I can make bruschetta.
And there's shrimp,

so I'm gonna make
my rice and seafood dish...

Bree, this is not your fault.

I had to tell her.

She hurt me, so I hurt her back.

If anything should happen
to Julie or Lynette...

- Is there anything I can do?
- You can peel a clove of garlic.

OK.

[clamoring]

I wanted kids.

I wanted kids so badly,
but Harvey had two from his first wife.

[scoffs]

He said it made her fat.

Harvey likes them lean.

I run four miles a day.
It's my first cookie in six years.

Did you hear that, Harvey?

I'm breaking my diet!

She's starting to lose it out there.
What do I do?

Just keep her calm.
Tell her you're sorry.

And see if you can get her
to release the kids and old people.

OK, I'll try.

Carolyn, honey, uh, it's me.

Harvey.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

What I did was wrong.

But I still love you a lot.

Cut the crap.

I had my hair done this morning.
Did you notice, huh?

- Did you even notice?
- Well, I was distracted.

You were shooting at me.

Tell her let the kids go.

Who the hell was that?!

You got a woman in there?

She's a customer.

Don't lie to me, Harvey!

She's another one of your whores,
isn't she?

[Edie] Oh, fantastic.

Carolyn, I swear.

Shut up!

I hope you're having
a good time in there, whore!

'Cause I got a bullet for you, too.

[sighs]

God, what a nightmare.

You know what the weird part is?

What?

I keep thinking about
that crazy lady in the market and...

...I understand her.

I... I could be her.

Come on.

No, I mean it.

The rage that I have felt
in this past six months...

If I had a gun
in the courthouse today...

You could never shoot me.

I don't know
what I'm capable of anymore.

This divorce has turned me
into this bitter, hateful person.

- And I don't like her.
- Hey, baby.

For what it's worth, I don't like
who it's turned you into, either.

Then let's stop being those people.

OK.

OK.

Hey, just so you know,

I heard the woman in there
teaches Sunday School.

Oh.

A Sunday School teacher
would never hurt a kid.

- No way.
- Thank you.

I'm sure Lynette's gonna be fine, too.

Oh, I'm not worried about Lynette.

Hell, with Lynette in there
they don't even need that negotiator.

You put Lynette in a room with a woman
who wants to shoot her husband,

- she'll have them renewing their vows.
- Right.

Lynette is very persuasive.

I give it an hour, tops.

We'll all be back home
and eating our hamburgers.

She was gonna go to the store tomorrow.

But we were out of hamburger.

And I wanted hamburgers.

I hope all this is giving you a little
perspective on our situation.

Shh! She told us not to talk.

You're thinking about your kids?
How awful it'd be to never see them.

That's what you're asking me
to feel the rest of my life.

- Nora, please!
- Hey, what did I say?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We'll be quiet.

You and your friend
are starting to bug me.

She's not my friend.

- She's trying to steal my kid.
- Nora, shut up!

- Is that true?
- No!

I... We're... We have...
We're sharing custody,

and she tried
to seduce my husband, so...

She put the moves on your husband?

Why didn't you say so?

[gasping]

[gasps]

That was a shot. We just heard
a shot fired inside the building.

A shot has been fired.

[gasping, wincing]

I believe the phrase
you're looking for is "thank you".

We just had a shot. We heard
a shot fired inside the market.

Police are responding,
taking this very seriously.

We are going to just continue to stand
and watch and wait and see what happens.

It was on television at the airport.
I came as soon as I could.

[sobs] The last thing I said to her
was that she disappointed me.

Police have just confirmed
that a hostage has been shot.

Repeat, a hostage has been shot.

There's no word on the name
of the victim at this time,

- but it is believed to be a female.
- [Preston] Mrs. Hodge?

... market, which has been
uneasy all morning...

When's Mommy gonna be back
from the store?

I'm sure she'll be back soon.
Why don't we go have some cookies?

Mommy said we can't
have cookies before dinner.

Well, uh... I'm sure she won't mind.
Come on.

Let's go. Come on.

OK, I've got to keep the pressure on
to stop the bleeding.

Well, the good news is,
you won't need that lawyer now.

You are gonna
get through this just fine.

There is a parking lot
full of ambulances out there.

- You gotta let us take her out of here!
- No one's leaving.

[Nora] Listen to me. Lynette...

- About Kayla...
- Oh, forget it!

We'll work that out later.

I don't have later,
you stupid bitch.

OK, so listen.

OK. I'm listening.

Kayla was the only good thing
that I've ever done.

In my whole life.

[sighing, sobbing]

[softly] I need you to really
take really good care of her.

OK?

I don't have all day.
Come on.

Yeah. Yes, I will.
I will, I will.

I will love her like she is my own.
I will. Nora?

Nora?!

Nora!

God!

Don't look at me that way.
You know you wanted her dead.

How could you say that?

You told me about her and your husband

after I made it pretty clear
where I stand on whores.

I did not want this.
Don't you dare say that I wanted this.

- Shut up!
- No, I will not shut up!

What's the matter with you?!

Have you not been paying attention?
My husband cheated on me.

Who cares?! Who cares?!
We all have pain.

Everyone in here has pain,
but we deal with it.

We swallow it and get going
with our lives.

What we don't do is go around
shooting strangers!

She deserved it!

Well, maybe you deserved
to be cheated on!

I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, you shouldn't have.

[Mary Alice] Lynette Scavo
had a dream that night.

It was one she'd had
many times before.

Hey, Mary Alice!

Are you OK?

Yes, thank you.

I'm fine.

OK. I'll see you later.

[Mary Alice] But this night
something changed.

No, you're not.
I can tell.

Please...

...tell me what's wrong.

Let me save you.

You can't.

Why not?

Sweetie, we can't prevent
what we can't predict.

[sobbing] Isn't there anything I can do?

Yes.

Yes.

You can enjoy this beautiful day.

We get so few of them.

[Mary Alice] This was the last time
Lynette would ever dream of me.

And for her sake,
I am grateful.