Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 6 - Sweetheart, I Have to Confess - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

Gabrielle got even.

Did I hurt you,
or should I keep trying?

- Tom got an idea.
- I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor!

- Bree got a warning.
- He's a cold-blooded killer.

The police got a clue.

Those blue marks.
I think it's a phone number.

- [Mike] You've reached Mike Delfino.
- This should never have happened!

And the battle
for Mike's affection got ugly.

How do you sleep at night?

Soon, with Mike on top of me.



[footsteps approaching]

[Mary Alice] It is often said
that confession is good for the soul.

No one knew this better
than a certain blonde

who had been confessing her sins
to Father O'Malley

once a week since she was a child.

As the years had passed,
much to Father O'Malley's dismay,

a theme began to emerge.

I seduced the cable guy again.

I'm having an affair
with a folk-singing duo.

Last week I let Rabbi Littman
get to third base.

[Mary Alice] And once
she had been forgiven,

Father O'Malley would tell Edie Britt

to go out into the world
and sin no more.

Unfortunately for Edie,



- temptation seemed to be...
- Hello, there.

... everywhere.

Edie, what were we like together,

- before the accident?
- What do you mean?

You know, were we close?

Honestly?

We lived about 50 feet from each other

and you barely knew that I existed.

Seriously?

It's true.
You weren't rude or anything.

We'd wave or exchange hellos
as we went to get our mail,

but you never really looked at me.

Not really.
I was just another neighbor to you.

Well, if we weren't friends,
why are you here every day helping me?

Because, from the first moment
I laid eyes on you,

I sort of fell in love with you.

Oh.

I'm not telling you this
because I expect anything,

so you can just relax. OK?

OK.

But when you do come back home,

and we do run into each other
when we're getting our mail...

I'd really appreciate it if you'd...

...just look at me.

That's all.

I'm looking at you now.

[Mary Alice] Yes.

It is often said confession
is good for the soul.

Mike Delfino and I made out today.

And it was great!

But some confessions
are just bragging

in disguise.

[Mary Alice] There was nothing
Bree Hodge hated more

than an unexpected knock at the door.

She was always certain it would lead
to a disagreeable surprise.

Whether it be in the form
of a cosmetics saleswoman,

religious zealots,

or extended family.

But on this day,
the surprise awaiting Bree

was far more disagreeable
than she ever could have imagined.

- Hello, Bree.
- Carolyn.

This isn't a very good time.

- I'm baking.
- Bree.

Oh, hi. We haven't met.
I'm Harvey Bigsby.

And I brought my wife here to apologize.

It's a souffle,
and timing is everything.

Please, please.

She's been under a great deal of stress
since Alma's disappearance,

and she really hasn't been herself.

Much of that was due to the Mexican
painkillers she purchased online.

But I put a stop to that.

Well, Orson tells me
that the two of you were very close,

and out of respect for that friendship,
I'm all ears.

After thinking it over I realized that,
maybe, I was out of line.

Definitely out of line with
the terrible accusations that I made.

I'm deeply sorry
for the pain that I caused.

I hope that you can find it
in your heart to forgive me.

Well, I can appreciate how difficult
that must have been for you.

Apology accepted.

- [sighing] I'm so relieved.
- As am I.

You don't know how rusty
my golf game's gotten

without this one
keeping me on my toes.

Perhaps we can get together
for dinner at the club sometime.

- That sounds lovely.
- Great.

Darling, you are amazing,
you know that?

To rise above all that unpleasantness
with such dignity.

Oh, thank you, darling.

But if you think for one second

that I'm gonna break bread
with that malicious pill-popping shrew,

you're out of your mind.

Hey, Susan.
Whatcha doing?

I just dropped my trowel. Thanks.

All righty, then.
You have a nice day.

Bye-bye. [chuckling]

Susan?

Ian. What a surprise.

Were you, um...
Were you hiding from me?

Uh... A little. I...

Just the last time we saw each other
it was so awkward and complicated.

Water under the bridge.
Besides, this is strictly business.

I'm throwing a party
for an editor friend from London.

I thought you two should meet.
You can bring a date if you want.

Speaking of which, uh,
how are things with Mike?

Oh, they're moving along.

It's a process.

And the blonde woman
who's been visiting him every day?

- Is she part of the process?
- Edie?

Oh, she's just a neighbor.

She visits Mike
after her hepatitis C treatments.

Oh... Well, I do hope
you can come to the party.

So you can meet my editor friend.

I just... I just don't think
that's a good idea.

Right.

Well, at least I got to see you.

You have...

This is ludicrous.
The Biedermeier armoire.

It's my understanding that your client
doesn't even like antiques.

Totally immaterial.
It's a valuable asset.

Fine.
Let's discuss the Kosta Boda vase.

Nope. It's a premarital acquisition.

- We can verify that with receipts.
- Ahh...

It was a gift to Mr. Solis. Maybe you
were sick that day at law school,

- but it's called "community property".
- Don't patronize me.

We'll go to the mat on this one.

Oh, enough.
Just give her what she wants.

Look, I'm sick of fighting.
It's just stuff.

- I'd like a moment with my client.
- This has been going on for months.

Draw up the papers.
I'll sign whatever.

You're giving me everything I want,
just like that?

Just like that.

We expect to see the paperwork
by the end of business.

How sweet is that?

We nailed their asses.

Mrs. Solis, they completely folded.

That's the thing.
Carlos doesn't fold.

That son-of-a-bitch is up to something.

Before you come in,
cover your eyes.

- Tom!
- Do it.

OK, now.

When I say open,
don't look with your eyes.

Look with your imagination.

OK.

OK, open.

- Oh, dear God.
- Damn it, you looked with your eyes.

It's a dump.
What are you thinking?

[Tom] Well,
I'll grant you it's a fixer-upper.

- It's a burner-downer.
- [sighs] Come on, honey. Go with me.

We can put in booths
with checkered tablecloths.

A jukebox.
A big screen to watch sports on.

How could you not see
the potential in this place?

Well, I just don't.

It's the whole... You know how I feel
about this pizza thing.

Well, hopefully it'll grow on you.

Tom, tell me you didn't sign a lease!

- There's gonna be a dartboard.
- Tom! No!

There were multiple offers.
I had to move fast.

- You leased it without telling me?
- I didn't tell you

because I knew you'd try to talk me out
of the best opportunity in my life.

[mouse squeaking]

OK. OK.

Here's what we're going to do.
You said there were multiple offers.

So we can sub-lease.
Now, let's get the hell out of here.

You said you'd support my dream.

My mistake. I assumed
you'd have a dream worth supporting.

- I'm gonna stay here tonight.
- Fine.

[doorknob thudding]

[laughing]

Two lemonades for the victors.

We keep playing like this, Bree,
and we are a cinch for the finals.

- Hello, Tish.
- Hello, Rebecca.

Did you see that?
She just snubbed me.

- Maybe she didn't notice you.
- Rebecca, I just spoke to her.

Call me paranoid,

but Amy Griswald did the same thing
to me on the golf course last week.

What is going on?

- You really don't know?
- No. I have no idea. What?

Tish is very good friends
with Carolyn Bigsby.

- Carolyn knows Tish?
- She knows everyone.

Anyway, Tish won't talk to you

because you married Orson
even after Carolyn told you

- that he killed his wife.
- That is ridiculous.

Orson did not kill Alma.

Besides, Carolyn just apologized to me
for that yesterday.

Maybe that hasn't gotten back to Tish.

Well, you don't believe
any of that nonsense, do you?

Do you?

You're the best doubles partner
I've ever had.

Can we talk about this
after the tournament?

Hello. I'd like to make a reservation
for this evening

under the names Hodge and Bigsby.

And, um, we'll be needing a table
in the center of the room.

Of course, ma'am.

- How long will Daddy be gone?
- That sort of depends on Daddy.

- Are you two mad at each other?
- Yeah.

A little. But that's OK. That's OK.
We still love each other very much.

But just like kids, sometimes grown-ups
throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Why can't he take a time-out
in his room?

'Cause he decided to take it
in his pizza place.

No fair. That sounds fun.

Not this pizza place. It's a rat hole.

But once your dad comes to his senses
and stops being petulant,

- He'll come home.
- What's petulant?

It means childish, stubborn,

careless with my money and your futures.

Huh?

It's a grown-up word and when Daddy
comes home you'll learn a new one.

Grovel.

They got in a really big fight.
Daddy's sleeping at the restaurant.

No, no, it's good
that you told me, sweet pea.

You keep those little ears open.

- OK?
- [Kayla] OK. Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Hey, that's for me. I'll take that.

OK.

I'm beat.
I'm gonna take a nap.

Hold it. You're a sweaty mess.

So? I was working out.

So, you're not laying on anything
in this house until you shower.

Fair enough.
It's all yours now, right?

- [water running]
- [footsteps approaching]

[Gabrielle] I don't know, Myron,
it's legal mumbo jumbo.

Just read it and call me back.

- Crap!
- [fax beeping]

- What?
- Why did you put those shorts back on?

Why do you care?

It's just that they're filthy
and I was gonna wash them for you.

- You want to wash my shorts?
- I don't want to,

but if you wear them one more time
they're gonna ask me themselves.

Wait a minute.

I forgot something in the pocket.

- No bleach.
- Got it.

So it's a job contract?

[Myron] They're offering him two million
over three years plus stock options.

Well, that's fantastic.

- I get half, right?
- Hell, no.

If you're legally divorced when he signs
the contract, you don't see a dime.

That conniving, underhanded snake.

Thank God I broke into his desk.

At least now we know why he was so quick
to fold on your settlement.

Let's just say something happened
to postpone the divorce.

I would get my share
of that two million?

Well, in theory.
But how would you manage that?

I know how Carlos thinks.
More importantly, what he thinks with.

[elevator bell rings]

- Was that Susan Mayer?
- Yeah, why?

Mr. Delfino asked not to be disturbed.

Mike? It's me.

- Are you decent?
- [moaning]

- Hey, Susan.
- Hey, you.

- Whatcha doing?
- McCluskey took the kids for awhile,

so I could kick back and catch up
with my old friend...

...Margarita.

- You care to join us?
- Believe me, I would love to.

But I gotta get dinner started
for Julie.

OK.

You know, what the hell? She's 16.

If she hasn't figured out how
to feed herself by now, I've failed.

Ahh...

That's nice.
So where were we?

You were trying to figure out
how to kill Edie without doing time.

Oh, right.

I wish Paul Young was still around.
He'd know what to do.

Fine, Gabby, don't say hi.

Hey. Cocktails?
Nobody called me?

It was spur of the moment.
We're numbing the pain of our lives.

Oh. I was trying
to do that with exercise,

but why risk a heart attack?

Make mine a double.

I don't recognize her. Who is she?

That's what we're trying to figure out.
Your number was written on her hand.

- I'm sorry I can't help you.
- He's had a bit of memory loss.

After 2004, things are fuzzy.

No memory, huh? That's convenient.

Well, thank you for your time,
Mr. Delfino.

You killed a cop once, didn't you?

That was self-defense.

I hope it wasn't just beginner's luck.

You want to charge me
with something, go ahead.

Otherwise, get the hell out of my room!

Were you always this angry, Mr. Delfino?

Or can't you remember?

So, do you sell by the slice
or do I gotta buy a whole pie?

- What are you doing here?
- I knew how hard you were working.

So I figured I'd bring you
a little something to eat...

...and drink.

You know, I can't pronounce this wine,

which means
it's either really expensive,

or I have had too much.

I can't believe that Lynette doesn't
just love this place.

If you ask me,

- she's just a negative Nelly.
- She's just being realistic.

- The restaurant business is brutal.
- Tom.

Listen to me, OK?

'Cause I'm a very intuitive person.

You have a real aura
of success about you.

- Come on.
- I'm serious.

I believe in you,

- Tom Scavo.
- Thank you.

Hey. What just happened?

- We kissed.
- No, you kissed me.

- No, you wanted me to.
- No, I didn't.

Really? 'Cause this is you:

"My wife doesn't get me.
Hey, let's have some more wine.

Alone. In a deserted building."

I was looking to vent.
I wasn't looking for more.

- OK, but when opportunity knocks...
- Nora, please!

I love my wife.

Really?

You mean the one who thinks
that you're a loser?

No, the one that loves me enough
to keep me from screwing up.

I think it's about time
I got back home to her.

You led me on.

You shouldn't have done that.

[Gabrielle] I'm just gonna say it.
Tequila makes me happy.

Yeah, we're drinking on the porch.
You got a problem with that?

Oh, I know them.
They live on Cypress.

They just celebrated
their 53rd wedding anniversary.

- Show-offs.
- Don't worry. It won't last.

You're just fooling yourselves!

- Hey, I know them.
- Oh, 53 years.

- What do you think their secret is?
- I'll take a wild guess.

The man never opened a pizza place.

Oh, I just thought of something.

I'm never gonna celebrate
a 53rd wedding anniversary.

I'd have to live into my nineties.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna die.

- Bite on this.
- [sighs]

Can I tell you guys something?
Something I can only tell you guys?

God, here she goes again.
What grade is he in?

Not what I was gonna say.
What I was gonna say,

is with all his conniving and trickery,

- I still love Carlos.
- Yeah, he's hot.

Anyway, what if I never find
that passion with anybody else?

Well, maybe you should try
to patch things up with him.

Nah. I already paid a lawyer.

I'm taking him down.

I brought this on myself. I tell Tom,
"I want you to be your own man".

But the truth is, I don't...

I want him to have what he wants

if it's what I want.

I'm a bitch with a capital "C".

No! No, you're not.

You're a great wife.
And a great mother.

Although, don't you have children?

I had passion with Mike.

And drama. Lots of drama.

Love isn't supposed to be that hard.

Oh.

Sweetie.

But you know, with Ian
everything was always easy.

That's the kind of guy I could see
myself living into my nineties with.

So go to Ian!

Tell him you made the wrong choice.
He's the one you want to be with.

What have you got to lose?

[man] Excuse me, ladies?

Look, Susan, God called you a cab.

I'm looking for 4347.

Ida Greenberg?

I'm Ida Greenberg.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are.

- [Susan] See you later.
- [Gabrielle] Go, Ida!

Go, Ida!

[both cheering]

Susan.

- You came.
- Of course, I came.

Ooh... Oh, I just love your house.
It always smells like you.

Oh, my gosh.

It's the thing? Is that tonight?

- Well, yes. Isn't that why you're here?
- No.

No, no. Actually, I just...

I just had something to tell you.

Well, of course.

Doug, see if you can find Judith for me.

Thank you.

As long as you're here,
I want you to meet that editor

- I was telling you about.
- I don't think that's a good idea,

'cause I didn't really bring my A-game.

Is it hot?

- Are you sloshed?
- [laughing]

Susan!

Ooh... Is this the Susan
you've been telling us about?

Yes. This is she.
Could you give us a moment?

Oh. Of course.

Uh...

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

I just had a few drinks
with my girlfriends.

And thank God, because it gave me
the courage to come over here

and tell you what's really in my heart.

Go on.

But first I think
I should use the powder room.

- Of course. It's over there.
- [moans]

She seems nice, Ian.

Oh, yes.
She's absolutely delightful.

[Susan retching]

Oh. I'm so sorry
that you had to see that.

I see you've met Judith.

Oh...

So, with a hundred bucks riding on it,
the pressure's on me now.

I reach into my bag
and grab my four iron,

and bada-bing! Hole in one.

And there's been
no living with him ever since.

[chuckling] Did I tell you
how hilarious these two are?

They are a regular barrel of... Tish!

Why, hello, Bree. Carolyn.

Oh, do you two know each other?
That saves me an introduction.

Tish, I was wondering if you need
any help with the Christmas gala.

- Last year I was on the committee.
- My God, I forgot to call you.

What an idiot.

- We'll talk first thing tomorrow.
- That would be lovely.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to be seen.

- I need to powder my nose. Join me?
- Oh, I'd love to.

- I'm so happy we did this.
- Yes, me, too.

- It's been a delightful evening.
- So, so fun.

Could you get us some extra tissues?
Thank you.

You know, I realized something
just the other day.

You've never seen
a picture of Alma, have you?

No. Why?

Granted, it's not her best look.

- What is all this?
- That's the police report

that Alma filed after Orson hit her.

It's all in there,
the bruises, contusions, broken wrist.

This is not possible.

Photos don't lie, Bree.

- Is this why you apologized?
- Yes.

I wanted you to spend time
with me so you can see

I'm not some crazy nut out to get you.

If something like that happened again
I could never forgive myself.

Thank you.

I had a feeling you might need these.

Bring me another one.

- Hey, buddy.
- [groaning]

You want to slow down a little bit.

- Harvey?
- I'm going through something.

And I don't have anyone else
to talk to about it.

I had an affair.

- Does Carolyn know?
- She has no idea.

I met this girl on a flight from Paris,

and we just, mmm, connected.

I know it sounds crazy,
but it was... love at first sight.

- Are you still seeing her?
- No, that's the thing.

A few months ago
she stopped returning my calls.

I went by her place
and I've looked for her everywhere,

but she's just disappeared.

I'll tell you, now I know
what you went through with Alma.

- It's brutal.
- It gets better, trust me.

I just can't get past it.

I can't get Monique out of my mind.

- Monique?
- That's her name.

Monique Poulier.

Isn't she beautiful?

She's very pretty.

They're back.

Wow. You two girls
were gone a long time.

- Everything OK?
- Absolutely.

So who wants dessert?

- Hey.
- Hey.

What have you been up to?

Oh...

Just a quiet night with the girls.

Listen, something happened tonight
and got me thinking, and...

You mean more to me
than any restaurant ever could.

Oh, stop right there.
I am the one who should apologize.

I have been a bad wife.

You were just trying to keep me
from doing something reckless.

Any wife can support a husband
who never takes risks.

I don't want that kind of husband.
And I'll be damned

if I'm gonna be that kind of wife.
So, you open your pizza place.

And we will find a way to make it work.

You don't know how much
it means to me to hear that.

- I love you! Ooh!
- Mmm.

So what happened tonight?

OK, but don't react
until I've told you the whole story.

And remember, it's actually a good thing
because it brought us back together.

[door slamming]

Ding dong.

I don't know what Tom told you,
but he came on to me.

I'm sorry.
I didn't quite catch that.

Why don't you just come on over here
and say that to me again?

- Stay away from me.
- I'm trying to stay away from you.

Mom?

Everything's all right.

So you can just go
back into your room and play.

Kayla, don't move.

OK.

Never mind.

I'm leaving.

First I'm just gonna
give your mom a hug.

Your association with my family is over.

When Kayla visits, you drop her
at the end of the block.

You will never again see my husband.

And if you try to,
I will do to your spine

what I just did to your front door.

Nod if you understand.

And you, I'm gonna see you
on Saturday, right?

Don't forget your swimsuit.

Good morning!

You're looking bright-eyed and... bushy.

Oh... [chuckles]

- Did you stay here all night?
- Well, I slept on the sofa.

When I brought you home you were still,
as you Americans say,

"tossing your tacos".

Oh, please.

Keep the food references to a minimum.

Bless you.

- So what else happened?
- You don't remember?

I'll tell you what,
I'll repeat what you said last night,

and you say whether it was you
or the booze talking. You ready?

You said you missed me.
Susan or booze?

Susan.

You said it was a mistake
breaking up with me

and that you wanted to start again.
Susan or booze?

Susan.

Then you said that you wanted
to dress me up like a schoolboy

and spank my naughty bottom.

Susan or booze?

I didn't say that!

Yeah, all right, then. But if you had,

Susan or booze?

A little of both, so "booze-an".

- [phone ringing]
- Detective Ridley.

[Orson] Your Jane Doe in the morgue
is named Monique Poulier.

- Who's this?
- Just before she died,

she was having an affair
with a man named Harvey Bigsby.

- You got that?
- Yeah.

Your name? I'll need to
bring you in for a statement.

[Gabrielle] Carlos,
could you come help me?

- [indistinct sports chatter]
- I'm watching the game.

[Gabrielle]
It'll just take a second. Please.

[grumbling]

What, Gabby?

Whoa.

You look... nice.

Oh, thanks.

I'm meeting some new friends.
My zipper's stuck. Can you help me?

Mmm. [chuckles]

Man, this is really stuck.

It's like somebody put super glue
on it or something.

Huh. Weird.

Well, you know, I don't want to be late,
so I should, um, probably change.

Wow.

Carlos, this old thing.

You've seen it all before.

I'm just gonna wear
the little blue number.

Will you hand me those stockings?

I've got a raggedy nail.

[sighs] You're gonna have to
help me put those on.

Are you sure about that?

Well, I'd do it myself,
but I don't want to get a snag.

It's been a long time.

Really? It seems like yesterday to me.

You want me to help you hook that?

Sure.

Why not, for old time's sake?

What about your new friends?

I decided I'd rather catch up
with an old one.

[Ridley] Mr. Bigsby,
Detective Ridley, homicide.

I understand you know her.

Ah, yes, we were sleeping together.

- Can we do this somewhere else?
- Sure.

Carlos, do you think
we're making a mistake?

- What do you mean?
- The whole divorce thing.

Maybe we shouldn't go through with it.

It's not like we're gonna find
this kind of passion with anyone else.

Are you saying
you want to stay together?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Why don't we just put all of this
behind us and stay together?

- What do you say?
- Oh, baby.

If you knew how long I've waited
to hear you say th...

What? What's so funny?

Oh, man.

I thought I'd get through this without
cracking up, but you are just too funny.

There's a little something
that I need to own up to.

I know that the only reason
you slept with me

was because I got a new job.

You got a new job?
Honey, that's wonderful!

Gabby, please. You're a model.
Not a modellactress.

There is no job.

The contracts in my desk are fake.
I mailed them to myself.

What? Why would you do that?

Well, let's see.

[gasps]

- You did this just to get me in bed?
- [Carlos laughing]

No. I did it because I knew you'd
smell money and come crawling back.

Then I could turn you down
and walk out on my own terms.

Your terms?

You don't get to screw around on me,

take my money,
and then walk away without a scratch.

I want you hurting, baby.

And judging by the look on your face

when you saw two million
imaginary dollars disappear...

...I succeeded.

You are a bastard!

Better a bastard than a whore.

[yells] Oh, God!

[whimpers]

Hello? There's been an accident.
My husband, he...

- I'm gonna have to call you back.
- [door slams]

Carlos?

Honey?

Carlos?

Oh, yeah.

It's on.

[Mary Alice] There's a place
in St. Timothy's Church

where sinners go
to confess their sins.

And once they're done,
they expect absolution.

But the truth is,

not all confessions
are worthy of such forgiveness.

Most who unveil hidden agendas

deserve the condemnation they receive.

Most who disclose vengeful motives

merit the punishment that follows.

Only the truly repentant

have any right at all to expect
a second chance.

Come on, what's my surprise?

I thought you'd never get here.

Which is why it's best to think twice

- before you confess.
- Mike?

What's wrong?

Tha... That girl who died.

Especially if you don't know what it is

you're confessing to.

I think I knew her.