Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 5 - Nice She Ain't - full transcript

Carlos came back.

Whatever you wanna do,
I'm in your corner.

Lynette made a promise...

Mr. Faladi...

I love him,
and he loves me!

And Bree's daughter fell
for her history teacher.

-While Mike's history...
-He suffered significant memory loss.

was being carefully rewritten.

-Susan Mayer.
-We were close, huh?

That tramp treated you like dirt.

The art of sabotage.



It's practiced every
day in the suburbs.

Sometimes it takes the form of a bundt
cake offered to a friend who's on a diet.

Other times, it's a cable cut
just as a husband's friends
arrive to watch the big game.

And then there's always that anonymous
phone call to the City Zoning Department.

Yes, in suburbia, everyone you
meet is a potential saboteur...

Absolutely everyone.

Good afternoon.
I'm Bree Hodge, and you are?

Name's Gus, and
we're all booked up.

Actually, Gus, I'm here to see one of
your guests. A gentleman named Faladi.

Oh, yeah, came in about an hour ago.
You want me to call him for you?

No, no, no, no. I'd like you
to take me to his room and unlock
it so I can walk in unannounced.

Lady, I can't do that.

Besides, he has a girl in there.

Yes, I know.



She's my daughter.
My 17-year-old daughter.

Yeah, eh, that would
be, uh, room, uh, 17.

Now there's irony for you.

You don't have a gun
in there, do you?

Because I just put down new carpet.

Oh, Gus, I don't plan
anything unpleasant.

I'm simply going to inform Mr. Faladi
what repercussions he faces

if he continues this relationship
and trust him to see reason.

- What the hell?!
-Mom! What are you doing here?!

You just can't walk right in here.

-How can you do this to me?!
-What makes you think that you can walk in here...

Yes, the art of sabotage.

It's practiced every
day in the suburbs...

I told you, it's over!
Didn't you hear her?!

So how'd it go?

Quite well, I think.

But few do it as well as Bree Hodge...

Oh, and, Gus, the carpet is beautiful.

Or as politely.

By Tyno, Wisteria Team
Transcript by YDY

Family dinner...

There was a time when that phrase
meant something on Wisteria Lane.

Of course, this was back when
meals were lovingly prepared...

By wives who loved to cook...

For children who
remembered their manners.

But family dinners, like
the times, had changed,

and there was only one
house in the neighborhood

where dinner remained
a family occasion...

And attendance was not optional.

I don't know when I've tasted
such tender spring lamb.

Thank you, dear.

Danielle, you haven't
touched your dinner.

She doesn't like spring lamb.

She prefers old goat.

I'm glad you guys think it's
so funny that my life is over.

Your mother was right
to end that relationship.

The man was your teacher and married.

He's getting a divorce.

Well, that hardly bolsters his suitability.
Danielle, please, eat something.

Don't worry, dear.

Hunger strikes demand self-control, and as
we've seen, that's hardly her strong suit.

When are you gonna take me seriously?

When you start acting like an adult.

She sleeps with them.
That's a start.

I hate you!

I hate all of you!

Remind me to buy paper plates.

We'll need them till a certain someone
can be trusted with china again.

Wow, you're pretty good at that.

Hey, you are home early.

What is all this?

We are having a celebration.

S it.

What are we celebrating?

You being the greatest
wife in the world.

Thanks.

No, seriously, though.

I mean it.

How many wives would tell their
husbands to follow his dreams,

and then have the patience to wait
while he figures out what the hell it is?

Oh, my God! You know
what you wanna do!

That's fantastic! What is it?

Wait for it, wait for it, okay...

I knew I needed to spend my days
doing something I was passionate
about, something creative.

Yeah, have at it.

Um, something where I interacted with the
public but I was still my own boss, and then,

this morning, it just
like... Bam, it hit me!

Okay, okay, I'm dying here.

What's the dream?

You're eating it.

Excuse me?

I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor!

I bet you didn't see that one coming.

No, that was a real frisbee
to the head, that one.

But when you think about it,
doesn't it make perfect sense?

I mean, marinara's in my blood.

You remember uncle Vito?
He came to this country with nothing.

He turned that Trattoria
into a gold mine.

Isn't he the one that...

Asked us for a loan last christmas?

He has a gambling problem,
but don't blame the pizza.

Trust me.

I've got this thing
all mapped out.

It's gonna have, like, a real
family feel, with, like,

big portions but small prices,
crayons for the kids.

Oh, God, I feel good about this.

So what do you think?

I think...

I'm gonna open another bottle of wine.

But we haven't finished this one.

Well, hey, we're celebrating, right?

Carlos, what are you doing in my room?

Oh, hey, Gaby, you're home early.

God, Carlos!

Strawberries and champagne?

Did you really think you're
gonna seduce me?

Never entered my mind.

Right, right.

You know, I may be living with
you until the divorce is final,

but it doesn't mean I have to put
up with your cheesy come-ons.

Gaby, can I just say one thing?

What, you've been doing some thinking,

and you realize that I'm your
soul mate, and there's a vacancy
in your heart only I can fill?

-Gaby, listen...
-It's over between us.

Just move on already.

Forget me.

As I was trying to say,
I have company over.

This is Trishelle.

Trishelle, this is...

What was your name again?

I seem to have forgotten.

So the doctor said I should use as many
things as I can to jog your memory.

And not just pictures.

He said I could use tastes
and smells and sounds, so...

Tonight is... "Sounds
of the Seventies."

Well, you know, let me set the scene.

We were at this funky little fish joint that
you'd been dying to take me to, Cappy's.

Do you remember Cappy's?

Okay, well, we were there, and, uh,

we were just wolfing down
the most delicious trout ever...

How long till the music part?

Oh, it's coming.

Um, and this '70s cover band,
well, they started to play, and...

That's how we got our song.

Our song was "Car Wash"?

Yes, see how much fun we were?

So I dragged you out
onto the dance floor,

and, you were giving me this look,

sort of like the look you're
giving me right now, and, um,

I started to do this...

and then you did this...

Look, I'm sorry, this isn't working.

Oh, Mike. Come on, you're not even
trying to remember! It was fun!

Oh, I know. Okay, sing with me.

Car wash talkin' about
the car wash, whoo,

car wash, yeah.

You know, I'm really beat.

Okay, Mike, I am not
doing this to upset you.

I'm doing this to help.

I get that.

It's just...

The music is giving me a headache.

Okay, well...

I'll go, but I am not
giving up on you.

You know, you are going to remember
the night that we danced to "Car Wash,"

and not just because it
was fun, but because...

Later that night, we did some things that,
trust me, are worth remembering.

That Jane Doe from the golf course...

I think I missed something at the autopsy.

Check it out.

You always gotta come
at lunch, don't you?

Those blue marks on
the back of her hand?

First I thought they were veins.

Now I think it's ink.

You mean, like some kind of writing?

I need to run some more tests,
see if I can get a clearer image.

I could be wrong, but...

But what?

I think it's a phone number.

The oddest thing happened
at the club today.

Tish Atherton...

Andrew, would you be a dear and make sure
your sister's just breaking her own things?

Anyway... Tish Atherton...

Danielle?

Yeah, I'll tell 'em.

I'm telling you, it was
a deliberate snub.

I waved to her, and she
looked right through me.

True, I never bought
her eldest daughter...

-a gift.
-Uh, mom?

Andrew, please don't interrupt
me while I'm speaking.

True, I never bought her eldest daughter
a gift, but you know my policy.

No husband, no baby gift.

Now what is it, dear?

Well, um, Danielle's upstairs
trying to commit suicide.

There's no rush. She's
not trying that hard.

How can you sit there playing
that ridiculous game?!

Your sister tried to kill herself.
That doesn't upset you?

She tried to slit her
wrists with a spoon.

How upset do you want me to be?

Mrs. Hodge?

Is my daughter all right?

She's a little groggy,
but she'll be fine.

The wounds are fairly superficial.

So's the patient.

We'll release her tonight,

but you understand that in cases
like this, counseling is mandatory.

Of course. We'll get her
all the help she needs.

She is resisting our efforts
to pump her stomach.

She says she only
took three sedatives.

She's disoriented.

-Pump her.
-Andrew!

Pump her.

They're sticking a tube
down her throat.

Do you still think this is funny?

Mom, this was a half-assed
bid for attention.

This was a cry for help,
and if we don't listen,

the next time she could do
something even more dangerous.

Yeah, next time she
might jump off the porch.

Stop it!

Suicide is the worst thing
that can happen to a family!

I will not have it made light of!

Orson's right.

We need to support
each other as a family.

In fact, I say we all...

go for counseling.

Tom actually said he's
opening up a pizza parlor?

Lynette, you're not serious.

Well, might as well stand in a vat of
tomato sauce and tear up $100 bills.

I know, but I said that I would support
him and help him follow his dream.

He can't hold you to that,
not if the dream is pizza.

She promised to stand by him, and
once you make that commitment
you have to see it through.

How's that divorce going?

I'm done talking.

Hey, Parker, be careful up there.

I just keep thinking he's gonna come
to his senses and realize it's a bad idea.

That's never gonna happen.

Why?

Because men are genetically incapable
of realizing that their dreams are stupid.

Care to elaborate, Dr. McCluskey?

My husband sold insurance
for 36 years, and one day,

he woke up and decided he wanted to
move to Paris and paint naked ladies.

I told him, "Gilbert, you can
barely paint the garage.

What makes you think
you can commit art?"

And for the rest of his
life, he despised me.

He despised you for saying "no"?

Well, he also thought I was
sleeping with his brother, and
I'm sure that was mixed in there, too.

Okay, so I got Kayla all unpacked.

Oh, great. So, uh, Tom will drop
her off at your house on Friday.

Sounds good. Lynette, can
I talk to you for a second?

Okay, pardon me for
having really big ears,

but I heard about Tom
and this pizza place.

Do you wanna know what I think?

No, not really.

It sucks.

It's a sucky idea.

And your friends back there, they're just
too nice to come right out and say it.

Luckily, I'm not your friend,
so you can trust me.

Nip it... in... the bud.

And make Tom resent me
for the rest of his life.

I don't think so.

Well, you better do something,
'cause if you don't,

you and me will wind up
working a pole to pay for braces.

Hey, Julie.

I bought you some flowers.

Generally, when you buy flowers,
they don't still have the roots on them.

Okay, uh, I was hoping you could
help me with my english lit paper.

Hi, I'm Sarah.

Hey.

So what do you say?

Actually, I'm sort of busy right now.

Oh, come on.

Look, aunt Edie's gonna give
me the boot if I flunk out.

-Wouldn't you miss me?
-Oh, absolutely!

Whose motorcycle would wake
us all up at 2:00 in the morning?

You drive a motorcycle?

Please? Look, I could
really use some help here.

Normally, I charge 12 bucks an hour
for tutoring, but seeing as it's you...

$15.

Great. See you Friday.

Oh, and just so you know,

I charge $15 an hour to make out,
so I'll probably break even.

Hi.

You're new. Where's Marcy?

She's in Honolulu on vacation.
Can I help you?

Oh, I'm just going
to see Mike Delfino.

What's that smell?

Uh, that's my macaroni and cheese.

I was hoping it would
trigger Mike's memory.

I made it the first time
we met two years ago.

You should've refrigerated it.

Edie?

Oh, you know Ms. Britt?

Uh, yeah.

What is she doing here?

Visiting Mr. Delfino.

You know, she was with him
when he came out of his coma.

What?!

And she's been here every day since.

You!

Hello, Susan.

Long time no see.

I've been wondering why Mike's been
so cold to me. Now it all makes sense.

I'm sure I have no idea
what you're talking about.

For God sakes, take a bath.

Oh, that's my mac and cheese.
Don't change the subject.

What have you been
telling him about me?

Why would I say anything about you?

Mike has no idea who you are.

I envy him.

Ladies, is there a problem?

I want this woman banned
from the hospital.

She's been like this ever
since Mike dumped her.

Imagine "Fatal Attraction"...

with a much older woman.

Ma'am, Mr. Delfino
already has a visitor.

I think you should go.

Me?

But why doesn't she leave?

I'm the one who's been here
every day for the last six months.

Well, I don't know you,

but I do know his girlfriend.

Girlfriend?! Okay,
you know what?

I want Marcy's number in
Honolulu, and I want it right now.

-You need to leave.
-What?!

You're disturbing the other patients.

No, what are you...
Oh, this is ridiculous!

I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma
ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!

I did not call you that!

Yes, you did!

I have never in my life
used the word "retard."

It's what you think. You think I'm this,

this immature moron who can't be
trusted to decide what's best for her.

Well, you did try to off yourself.

I don't think you get to pull the
"I know what's best for me" card.

Andrew! Not in front of the therapist.

Actually, I think we're
making great progress.

You feel Danielle refuses to see
you're acting in her best interest.

And you think your mother cares more
about her image than your feelings.

Danielle, how can you think
I don't care about your feelings?

Don't you know how much
your mother loves you?

When I saw you in that tub,
it was the worst moment of my life.

The thought of losing you
is more than I can bear.

How does that make you feel?

Actually...

Kind of powerful.

Powerful?

You really don't wanna lose me?

Of course not.

I already went through
thinking I'd lost Andrew.

I can't go through that again.

Well, then, here's
what's going to happen.

I'm going to start
dating Robert again,

and if you try to break
us up or get him fired,

then I'm going to leave, and
you will never see me again.

Danielle...

If that can survive
on its own, so can I.

You don't believe me?

Call my bluff. See what happens.

So...

What do we owe you
for all this progress?

Come on, Austin. Concentrate.

Okay, why did Iago
betray Othello?

Because the play would
suck if he didn't?

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry.

No, no, no, no!
We're here to work.

And if my Mom came home,
she'd flip. Now put that away.

You said, "put it away."

Look, if you think I'm gonna sit here,

and write your paper for you
while you're getting drunk...

No, just help me get it started, okay?

This is hard for me.

All right? I didn't read
a lot of Shakespeare in juvie.

I kind of majored in
not getting stabbed.

Ugh, fine.

I'll write your intro,
but then you're on your own.

Thank you very much.

So...

Why did they send
you to juvie anyway?

"They" didn't.

My mom did.

Why?

She had this boyfriend.
No job, big drunk, real catch.

One night, he pops her one, so
I break a chair over his head, and, uh...

And she calls the cops... on me.

But you were protecting her.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But the guy said he'd leave if
she didn't press charges, and...

Well, my Mom doesn't
really like to be alone.

You know what?

You're tired.

Why don't you lay down for
a couple minutes, and...

I'll just do a page or two?

You're a rock star, Mayer.

Carlos...

No Trishelle tonight?

Ah, no.

About her... I have a confession to make.

Does her pimp want
the rest of the money?

You know, there is
some cash in my purse.

Look, I know I crossed a line
bringing her here, all right?

But I was trying to make you jealous.

Like the way you made me feel when you
said you slept with John rowland again.

Well, I think it's more than that.
I think you really hate me.

-That's not true.
-Oh, I think it is.

You know, introducing your spouse to
someone you're about to have sex with?

There's only one reason to do that...

Pure hatred.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, I think I do.

Phil, come meet my basically
ex-husband, thank you, Carlos.

Carlos, this is my
new friend Phil Lopez.

We've met, Gaby.

Really?

Well, that's weird. When?

Fairview Chamber of Commerce,
the annual dinner.

Oh, my God! That's
right! That's right!

You were up for the latino businessman
of the year award that Phil won.

Well, actually, I beat him out twice.

No!

Oh, I remember.
Carlos was so annoyed.

What did you say, hon?

"He may have that trophy,
but I've got you."

Ain't life funny?

Gaby, can we talk for a sec?

Not right now. Phil and I
are getting in the hot tub.

Oh, Phil, did you
bring your suit?

You said I didn't have to.

Not in front of Carlos-cay!

Go outside. I'll meet you there.

Phil Lopez?

You brought home Phil Lopez?!

I had no idea you hated me that much!

Well, now you know.

Hey, good news.

My realtor found me
some sweet locations.

That's... great.

Hey, can we talk about this
restaurant thing for a second?

What's up?

I don't know if you noticed, but when you
first pitched the whole pizza concept...

I was a wee bit skeptical.

Yeah, I sensed that.

Of course you did, 'cause you're
a smart guy, which is also why

you are gonna jump on the idea
I have to make the whole thing work.

Okay, so you're not bailing on me?

No, no, no, I am totally on board.

Oh, good! You had me
scared there for a second.

Okay, so, well,
what is this great idea?

I'm thinking... catering company.

Start small, have an italian
theme, create some cash flow,

and then later on, expand
into the pizza thing.

But that's not my dream.

Well, think about it.

You're gonna do all these fun parties.

People will start talking.
"Hey, this is great food.

This guy should open a restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, I'd eat there,"
and then wham!

Five short years later, you have
a built-In customer base.

But I said it's not my dream.

Pizza is my dream.

I know, I know.
Catering's how you get there.

So why can't I just skip the catering,
and go straight to the pizza?

Because you'll fail!

I'm sorry! God.

I shouldn't have said that.

But you're gambling with our life savings,
and you have no experience.

You said that you'd support me.

I'm trying to. I am trying to.

But are you aware that 90% of
restaurants tank in their first year?

Which means that 10% of them make it!

Why don't you ever think that
I would be one of them?

No! No, do me a favor.

Don't answer that.

Carlos!

I'm making a snack for Phil.

Do you want something to eat?

Some sour grapes, perhaps?

Maybe a little crow?

Okay, we need to move this over there.

Why?

Uh, feng shui.

Oh, no, no, don't just
stand there. Help me!

Hey, don't start without me.

Oh, no, no, let's get something straight.

You and I are not gonna
have sex tonight.

What?

I'm sorry. No offense, you're a nice guy.
I'm just not into you that way.

Oh, God, Phil!

Yes, yes, give it to me!

Okay. Oh, okay.

I'm not talking to you. Back off!

What, but I thought, I mean...

You know, the hot tub, we were...

Yes, you saw my boobs.

And you're gonna have that mental snapshot
to use as you wish for the rest of your life...

But that is all you're getting!

Wait, wait, so you're just using me?

You're unbelievable.

I'm what?!

You are unbelievable!

Really?

Oh, so are you, big boy!

No wonder you're divorcing her.
She's a straight-up loon.

Oh, crap. She's blocking my car!

Always happy to help a brother out.

Hold on.

Oh, God, yes!

Oh, ride 'em, cowboy!

Oh, yes, God!

Take me home, Philly!

You should wear a saddle!

Yes, yes!

Stop it, Phil. I told you
to beat it. No means no!

I need your car keys.

You're blocking the
stallion's hatchback.

"Oh, yes, yes, Phil!"

"Fill me with Phil!"

I never said that.

And you moved the bed.

-What were you thinking?
-Shut up.

You know, if you were trying to
hurt me, that's not the way to do it.

Well, then enlighten me.

How can I hit you so hard
that you will never recover?

You can't.

Oh, I have to, Carlos.

I need you to give up on us.

We're not good for each other,
and I can't keep doing this.

But I can.

You proved something tonight.

You had a rich, good-looking guy in your
bed, and you couldn't pull the trigger.

That means you still care.

And as long as I know that, I can
take anything that you can dish out.

You know what? I'm tired.

Can we talk about
this in the morning?

Sure.

But you're bringing me
breakfast in bed or no deal.

It's a date.

Sarah?

What are you... Oh!

Oh, Julie!
Thank God it's you.

We totally thought
you were the cops.

Oh, hey, Julie.

What are you, on buzz
kill patrol tonight?

This is why you couldn't
go to the movies with me?

Well, sorry, I thought
you weren't that into him.

-But, you know, if you are...
-I'm not!

I'm just... I'm mad
that you blew me off.

Well, I would totally understand if
you wanted to blow me off for a date.

You call this a date?

Getting mauled in a car?

Hey, you wanna talk
about this later?

I'm losing altitude here.

Ugh, you are disgusting!

Enjoy the rest of your date.

Julie, there you are.

I think I found a way
to get through to Mike.

Let it go! He's not into you!

Gaby, rise and shine.

I made you some waffles.

I got a second wind last
night, so I went to a bar.

That's where I met Jason.

We spent the whole night...
How did you put it?

Pulling the trigger.

So did I hurt you,
or should I keep trying?

You kicked ass
in rehab today.

Yeah, I raised my
arm over my head.

Sign me up for the Olympics.

Oh, be patient. It takes time.

Ms. Britt?

Phone call for you
at the nurses' station.

For me?

I'll be right back.

There's a phone call for me?

Susan?

-What are you...
-Shh!

I thought you could
use some fresh air.

Hello?

Hello? It's Edie.

What the hell is
this? Who's he?

Oh, this is Hank, and he has
very kindly offered to take us
on a little field trip today...

For 60 bucks an hour.

Where are you taking me?

Uh, just a little jaunt
down memory lane.

Oh, God, you're not taking me to
that fish and disco place, are you?

No, no. What we're doing today
is a little more low-key.

Don't worry. You're totally safe.

We're not doing anything wrong.

Punch it!

Hello.

Look, Mrs. Hodge, I've only seen
your daughter once since the motel.

She told me that you backed off.

Oh, Mr. Faladi, I'm not
here to threaten you.

I've come to give
you my blessing.

Your blessing?

Yes, Danielle made it quite clear that
I'm powerless to stop this relationship,

and since she assures
me that you love her...

You do love her, don't you?

Uh, yes, of course.

Good. Then we're all set.

Here are some of her clothes.

I'll bring her CDs and her
stuffed animals over tomorrow.

You want her to stay here?

This place is kind of small.

Well, that hotel room was small,
and you seemed happy enough there.

Oh, and I trust
you to be discreet.

You wouldn't want your wife find out about
this and use it against you in your divorce.

Whoa, whoa, Mrs. Hodge?

Things are getting
a little bit complicated.

Could you please tell Danielle that
this is not gonna work out and...

Mr. Faladi, if you want to
break my daughter's heart,

I can't stop you, but
I will not be an accomplice.

You'll tell her yourself.

Right.

And don't even think
about blaming me,

'cause if you so much as
mention that we spoke,

I'll phone the police.

Fine, I will leave you out of it.

Oh, and one more thing...

Yes?

Danielle is applying to colleges.

I do hope she can count on you
for a glowing recommendation.

Sure.

And when I lockemyself out of the
house, that's where the bush was
that you found me in... naked.

Surely you remember that.

Nope.

Ouch, that hurts.

Um, okay, remember this spot?

This is where we sat in your
truck and had our first kiss.

Were you naked then, too?

Mike, why are you being this way?

Because this is pointless.

I'm sorry. I can't, I don't
remember being with you.

Okay, I know it's hard, but
you gotta make an effort,

and, you know, if your head is
a little foggy, then don't look there.

Look in your heart,
because I'm in there,

just like you're inside mine.

Okay, um, this is Mary Alice's house,
and this is where we first met.

I was setting out my macaroni and
cheese, and you we invited...

I'm good.

Finally, a smile.

You do that a lot, don't you?

Well, yeah, I've been known to
take a spill or two, but, you know,
my doctor says it's an inner ear...

Wait, you remember that?

Yeah, I think I... do.

Yes!

That's progress! See?
Oh, it's all gonna come back.

We're gonna be us again!

But... What about the british guy?

Mike...

I don't know what Edie's been telling you,
but Ian and I, we're just friends.

Just friends?

Yeah... now.

Look, you gotta understand.

The doctors were telling me that
you would probably never wake up,

and I just needed
somebody to talk to.

And that's what you were
doing in the country, talking?

Mr. Delfino?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You can't just discharge
a patient without permission!

Oh, but you... I was just
trying to help him remember.

Tell her, Mike. We were...
we were making progress.

Take me back to the hospital.

Oh, uh... Mike!

Well, at the risk of stating
the obvious, it's over.

He's mine now.

No, no, no, no!

This is not how this ends.

No, evil does not
triumph over good.

That's how you see me?

Damn straight! You lie,
you cheat, you scheme!

You ruin people's
relationships! I mean,

how do you sleep at night?

Soon with Mike on top of me,

if you know what I mean.

See? Evil! Evil!

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe
Mike and I are meant to end up together?

No!

You... Mike?

You don't even want him!
You're just doing this to hurt me.

How self-absorbed can you be?

I have had a thing for Mike
since the day he moved in here,

and I even backed off when he fell
for your little miss adorable act.

But he's over that.

It's my turn now, and I will be
better for him than you ever were.

And if you do get hurt,
well... that's just gravy.

All right, maybe that
was a little evil.

Finally. Sorry it took so long.

That last digit
was barely legible.

I thought you'd like
to do the honors.

You've reached Mike
Delfino plumbing.

Please leave a message
after the beep.

Whoa, a D-minus.

That blows.

Yeah, it does, especially since
it's not the one we did together.

You e-mailed me the wrong paper.

You didn't even read it
before you turned it in?

I didn't think I had to!

The one you wrote
that night was great.

Well, after you left, I decided
I really should put it in your words.

Is this some weird chick thing
you did 'cause you're into me?

Oh, please.

No, no. No, it is.

You're, uh, pissed 'cause
I hooked up with your friend.

No, I'm pissed because you told me some
sob story so I'd write your paper for you.

Now you owe me 15 bucks.

You know what?

Here.

Oh, and, uh,
I did learn something.

Iago betrayed Othello
because he was jealous.

Oh, Danielle, I thought you'd
be with Mr. Faladi tonight.

Oh, you'll be happy to
know he dumped me.

He dumped you?

Said it was getting too messy, that
I was gonna complicate his divorce.

Don't pretend you're sorry.

I don't plan to.

Well, I hope this doesn't make
history class too awkward.

Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.

I went to the principal
and got his ass fired,

and then when he called to
yell at me for squealing on him,

I recorded the call and
sent a tape of it to his wife.

Thanks to me, he'll be getting
nothing in this divorce.

Well, I must say that
was rather underhanded.

Yes.

I wonder where she gets it.

-Bye, Daddy.
-Bye, chipmunk.

I'll see you guys
next Friday, okay?

Kayla said that you're
opening a pizza place.

Well, maybe. I mean,
it's not a done deal yet.

Lynette put the
kibosh on it, huh?

What makes you say that?

Well, you know...

Lynette.

Well, she's probably right. I mean,

there's a bunch of dumb shmucks out
there trying to open a restaurant, so...

You know, Tom,
I've tasted your pizza,

and I have to be perfectly
honest with you.

It was like I died
and went to Italy.

Really?

Oh, my God.
You are born to do this,

and I just hate to see you
give it up, because, well...

Man, this is none of my
business, but Lynette does...

bully you sometimes.

She doesn't mean to.

Then don't let her!
You go to the mat on this one.

She will respect you a lot
more if you grow a pair.

I'm not trying to insult you.

All I'm saying is that...

I know what you're capable of,

and I believe in you.

I really needed to hear that.

Thanks.

Sabotage...

Everyone is capable of it,

but some go about it more
ruthlessly than others...

Like the ones who
crave vengeance...

Or the ones who
hunger for love...

Or the ones who are
determined to burn bridges.

And then there are those
who simply want something...

I wish Daddy lived here
so he could tuck me in, too.

Something that belongs
to someone else.

I'm working on it, piglet.

Mama's working on it.