Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 4 - Like It Was - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

A reporter did a story on homeless
teens. My son was one of them.

- Oh, my God.
- Orson found Andrew.

Have I done stuff for money
that I'm not proud of? Yeah, sure.

And the prodigal son returned.

Mike fell into a coma.

- What could be more romantic?
- I can think of something.

And Susan fell into the arms
of another man...

... a bit too soon.

The day Mike Delfino
woke from his coma,

Edie Britt was the first to know.



Once she was sure he was responsive...

Mike?

[screaming]

... Edie decided to share
the good news with others.

Code red! Code red!

My friend just woke up from his coma.

And that is how word began to spread.

Mike's physician, Dr. Craig,
was busy with a patient

when he first heard the news.

Not long after, he called his Aunt Ida,

who was busy knitting a sweater.

She told Lynette Scavo,
who was busy watering her lawn.

And she told her husband Tom,

who was busy playing a computer game.



He then e-mailed his friend Carlos,

who was busy plotting strategy
with his divorce lawyer.

And Carlos called
his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Gabrielle,

who was busy
doing the same with hers.

Yes, word of Mike's miraculous recovery

spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane

and stopped cold
everyone's busy, busy life.

Everyone, that is,

except for Susan Mayer,

who was busy doing something

she would soon wish she hadn't.

[Mary Alice] Edward Sibley was the
beloved founder of the town of Fairview.

Prior to that, he was
best known as a bootlegger...

... a womanizer and a horse thief.

Of course, no one remembers
those parts of Edward's past.

Luckily for him,
history is designed to be rewritten.

And no one knew this
better than Bree Hodge.

So, you're just gonna lie to people?

Not a lie, just a polite fiction to
explain to everybody where you've been.

We can't tell them you've been living
on skid row sleeping in a cardboard box.

So why do I have to go
to this history fair anyway?

It's just some dumb school contest.
Danielle's not gonna win.

- She never wins anything.
- Is it weird eating off plates?

You could eat
straight out of the garbage.

This is a family event
and we're all gonna enjoy it together.

Stop sniping and start thinking
of an alibi for your brother.

We could say he joined a cult
and we had to kidnap and deprogram him.

Well, that would spare the family
some embarrassment.

Why not throw in a killing spree, too?

Well, here's a thought.
We say he was at drama camp.

It reflects Andrew's interest
in the performing arts,

while giving us a private joke to savor
about the drama of his estrangement.

Uh, yeah, he is always like that.

Uh, guys,
why can't we just tell the truth?

I got out of line, you kicked me out,
I lived on the street, I came back home.

We'll need a name for this drama camp.

We got ties here, people.

Designer ties, two for a dollar.

Ooh. Do you like those barbells?
Make me an offer. I'm feeling generous.

[tires screeching]

Here's the customer
I've been waiting for.

Carlos, I see you got my flier.

A garage sale featuring
menswear and sporting equipment.

I need cash. And you don't expect me
to sell my stuff, do you?

Those are my good cuff links.
Those are my CDs.

Oh, my God. This is my baby blanket.
My mama knitted this.

And it pains me to sell it.

It's just my lawyer told me what you're
offering and I can't get by on that.

I am doing the best I can.
I got deals in the pipeline.

- I'm not making as much as I used to.
- So I should be punished?

Attention! For the next 20 minutes,
free golf club with every purchase.

Gabby, I'm trying to be civil.

But if you don't knock it off right now,
the gloves are coming off.

Honey, the gloves aren't just off,
they're 70%% off.

Get your cashmere gloves!

Hey, Parker. Where's your uniform?
You got your game in an hour.

No, I don't. I quit.

- What?
- I hate baseball.

Daddy said
I don't have to play it anymore.

Daddy should have checked with Mommy,

so she could have a chance
to tell him why he's wrong.

Hey, you're playing.

But, Mom, I suck. Everybody says so.

- They made up a fake position for me.
- It is not fake.

There is not a team that could get along
without their backup far right fielder.

OK, come on. Let's go practice.

[groaning]

All right, let's try it again.
Nice and easy.

Watch the ball, hit the bat. You ready?
You can do it. Here we go.

OK, Parker, I keep telling you,
you gotta keep your eyes open.

- How are you gonna hit the ball?
- You threw it too fast. Throw slower.

If I threw any slower,
we would be bowling.

Hey. Hey, what you guys doing?

I'll tell you
what we're not doing, quitting.

- Hey, buddy. Did you change your mind?
- No.

I told him that
he didn't have to play anymore.

He's got five more games. He made
a commitment. He's gonna see it through.

But he doesn't like it. And if you
haven't noticed, he kind of sucks.

What message are we sending if we let
him quit whenever the going gets rough?

It's a way to kill three hours
before they eat pizza.

Why are you being such a hard-ass?

It's called parenting. Watch and learn.

OK, P-Dog, this is a curve ball.

- [thumping]
- [Parker] Ow!

Again, opening the eyes.
Can't stress it enough.

- Sure it's OK if we stay another day?
- Let's see.

What excuse did we use
when we had this conversation yesterday?

- We work hard and we deserve to relax.
- That was last Thursday's rationale.

- Fresh air is good for us?
- Tuesday.

Here's one. Julie needs to spend
more time bonding with her father.

- Brilliant.
- [laughing]

If we keep this up,
we could stay here till Christmas.

Sometimes when you smile like that,
it really makes me think that...

What? What were you gonna say?

It makes me think that I could love you.

I don't mean love in the swooning
schoolboy sense, you know,

fireworks exploding, bells ringing.

To me, it's about this,

a mundane task that's suddenly a joy
because of who you're doing it with.

That's love to me.

Someone to fluff while you fold, someone
to whisper to at a boring party, to...

Shh.

Do you mind?
You're kind of drowning out the bells.

So I am.

- I think I can feed myself now.
- Mmm.

You said that yesterday and I wound up
with a cleavage full of pudding.

You heard the therapist. It's gonna be
weeks before you're up and running.

I just wanna get home, unpack.

You just let home come to you, OK?

The whole street's dying to see you.

Bree is even bakin' you a peach pie.

She's the redhead, right?

Right.

Husband's the doctor. Rex.

Rex is dead.

Really? When did that happen?

- About a year and a half ago.
- What?

- Yeah. You were at his funeral.
- What are you talking about?

That's not possible.
I just met him right before my accident.

Mike, what year is it?

2004. Why?

It's called retrograde memory loss.

It's caused by the swelling
and frontal-Iobe damage.

You say he's lost two whole years?

Yeah. Is that unusual?

Well, patients more typically lose
several weeks.

The damage may be more severe
than we thought.

Do you think he'll get his memory back?

He might. At least partially.

You could be some assistance with that.

- How?
- Bring him some personal belongings.

Photos, letters.

He's gonna need some help
to remember what he can't.

Well, I'm sure
I could fill in a few blanks.

- [chattering]
- [applause]

[cheering]

Did I tell you that Burnham Fox
is looking for a new creative director?

PR? What makes you think
I wanna work for a PR firm?

Easy hours, big paycheck, access
to great parties. What was I thinking?

Honey, we agreed
that I would chase my dream.

- That ain't it.
- I was just making conversation.

- Batter up.
- [boy] Is he up?

[boy 2] Oh, come on.

Come on, Parker.
Keep your eye on the ball.

- Strike one.
- [groaning]

Hey, people.
He's just a kid, OK? Come on.

- Strike two.
- [crowd booing]

Hey, hey. That is not helpful.

It only takes one, Parker.
Only takes one.

It's not your son's fault. He's up
against the best pitcher in the league.

- That guy's a machine. Who is that kid?
- Nicky Abbott. He's a neighbor of mine.

Kid's got an arm like a 13-year-old.

- Strike three. You're out.
- [crowd groaning]

I'm gonna go buy him an ice cream.

It's OK, P-Dog.
You're gonna get 'em the next inning.

So, tell me, what else do you know
about this Nicky kid?

- You're short 50 cents.
- Please. That's all I got.

Hey. Give the kid what he wants.

Thanks. Hey,
aren't you Parker Scavo's mom?

That's right.

Come. Walk with me.

- So, money's a little tight, huh?
- A little.

Yeah, I heard your old man's outta work.
That's gotta be tough.

Yeah. They cut my allowance.

No. A kid's gotta have an allowance.

How else are you gonna buy
the things you want, right?

Like that cotton candy.

That's a little piece of heaven, huh?

Hey, I got an idea.

We could help each other out. My son's
having trouble hitting the ball.

- Yeah, I saw that.
- Yeah.

Ever seen one of these?

Carlos, what are you doing here,
besides lowering my property value?

I had news and I wanted
to see your face when I delivered it.

Oh.

I'm tired of fighting,
so I called my lawyer

and told him to give in
to your demands for spousal support.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Well, thank you.

OK, you've seen my face.
Now you can beat it.

Wait, there's more.

Since I'm gonna be
giving you all that money,

I have to cut back on some stuff,
like the rent on my apartment.

The good news is,
according to my lawyer,

I'm completely
within my rights to do this.

Honey, I'm home.

Wait. You can't stay here.

Now there's the face
that I was looking for.

[umpire] Batter up.

- Strike one.
- [crowd groaning]

Wow. That was kinda slow.
His arm must be getting tired.

Yeah, well, after all those fastballs.

Come on, Parker. You can do it.

- Strike two.
- [crowd groaning]

Oh, my God!

[crowd gasping]

[indistinct chattering]

Mr. Faladi, thank you for getting
Danielle interested in history.

She has never worked so hard
on a project before.

Well, don't tell anyone,
but she is my favorite student.

And it's so good to see
that Andrew's back.

Where's he been all this time?

Drama camp.
A very prestigious drama camp.

- Do I know you?
- Yeah.

Uh, you gave me a ride
in your black sedan once.

You know, the one
with the reclining seats?

Excuse me.

Wasn't that Dr. Keck? You know him?

Yeah. Yeah.
We, uh, met at drama camp.

Oh, good Lord. You mean y...?

Yeah. I, uh... performed for him once.

- Are you all right?
- I'll be all right. I'm fine.

Howard Keck?

You sure? I mean, he's a very respected
member of the community.

Yeah, well, they all were.

What were you and Andrew
talking about today, at the fair?

Uh... nothing.

I was gonna make some cocoa.
Would you like some?

Orson, I saw the two of you whispering
right after Dr. Keck ran off.

What happened?

Look, Andrew asked me
not to say anything,

but I don't want there
to be any secrets between us, so...

- Please don't let him know I told you.
- Well, of course not. What is it?

How to put this, uh...

When Andrew was on the street,
he, uh, he didn't just beg for money.

At times he...
well, he did things to earn it.

Good. I mean, I'd hate to think
he had no work ethic at all.

What I mean is,

men hired him to...

...do things,
things he wasn't very proud of.

- Yard work?
- Afraid not.

Orson, you're scaring me.
Did he do something awful?

No. No, not awful.
I mean, people do it all the time.

I do it with you.
I just don't pay you for it.

[gasping]

I think someone could use a cocoa.

[machine blowing steam]

Look, we mustn't judge Andrew.
He was desperate.

I'll never forgive myself.
It's all my fault for pushing him away.

Bree, don't do that to yourself.

The important thing
is he's home and safe.

How does Dr. Keck fit into this? Is he
treating Andrew for some awful disease?

Actually, I think he was
one of Andrew's... clients.

Howard Keck? That's ridiculous.
He's got a wife and a daughter.

He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team.

Well, it's clearly
not the only team he plays for.

This is a nightmare.
An absolute nightmare.

Please don't cut into that pie.
I made it for Mike.

Mike... Delfino?

Yes, I left you two messages. Didn't you
check? He woke up from his coma.

Oh, God.

- Is it Sharla Banning?
- I'm not telling who it is.

I'm just asking the question.

If you know a husband has been
unfaithful, do you tell the wife?

Absolutely.
He could bring home a disease.

That's how Bunny Conners got Chlamydia.

[gasps] She said it was from wearing
someone's bathing suit.

No, that's how she got crabs.

Poor Bunny, it's always something. If
not the clap, it's a botched face lift.

Be that as it may, do we all agree
that I should tell this man's wife?

I wouldn't. Women always say
they wanna know

and they always resent
the person who tells them.

- If Tom cheated, you wouldn't tell me?
- No.

But I would hire someone
to beat the crap out of him.

Aww. You're sweet.

Bree, I think you gotta
follow your heart on this one.

Even if it isn't
the easiest thing to do.

Gabby... are you and Carlos
getting back together?

Why?

Uh... Would you excuse me?

Carlos, what are you doing?
I told you I was having friends over.

I'm thirsty.
And this is my kitchen, too.

Hey, ladies.

- For God's sakes, put some pants on.
- I wanted to.

Somebody threw my laundry
out of the dryer while it was wet.

- You deserved it.
- What are you talking about?

- You peed in my shampoo. Admit it.
- What?

The cap was loose
and I know how your sick mind works.

Really? In that case, you should know
that I wouldn't do it to your shampoo.

I would do it to your mouthwash,
soup and decaffeinated coffee.

Ladies.

To answer your question,
no, we are not getting back together.

[French music playing]

I love this music. What's it about?

Making love. Regret. Cigarettes.

- Cigarettes?
- I assume. It's French.

They write what they know.

I'd love to go to France someday.

- [turns off music]
- Would you like to go next month?

- Are you serious?
- I'm going on business. Come with me.

Ian, I just took a week off. I couldn't
possibly justify taking another.

You'll manage. We've proven ourselves
masters of the flimsy rationalization.

Well, OK. You gotta promise me
we'll actually leave the hotel room.

It's Paris, dear.
You can pretty much make love anywhere.

[cell phone ringing]

- I thought you didn't get reception.
- The occasional signal gets through.

Please don't answer.

Oh, it's Julie. I have to.

Hello. What's up?

Hey...

Uh, I can't...

No, can you say that again?

The signal's really bad.

What? Oh, my God.

- Is something wrong?
- Mike woke up.

Um, Julie, when did he w...

- Julie? Julie?
- [phone cuts off]

Oh, damn it! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Um... I...

I have to go.
Um, I gotta get out of here.

Yes, of course.

I think that you're sitting on my bra.

- What'd the coach say?
- Parker's off the team.

- That's not fair. It's not his fault.
- It doesn't matter.

Because his mother bribed
an eight-year-old pitcher,

who also, by the way,
was kicked off of his team.

Not Nicky, too?

What were you thinking?

I was trying to repair
my son's shattered self-esteem.

With a 50?

Honey, everything would have been fine
if you'd just let Parker quit.

Well, excuse me
for not wanting my son to be a quitter.

Yeah, 'cause I guess having two
in the family would be a bit much.

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

You say that you support my decision
to leave advertising,

but it is obvious that you resent it.

That is not true.

Why do you keep dropping hints
about the job at Burnham Fox, then?

I figured, since you're taking your time
figuring out what your dream even is,

you might make a few bucks
in the meantime.

I have a dream too.
It includes keeping this house.

Like I don't...

- Are you fighting?
- No.

No.

It was excitement. We have just decided
you don't have to play baseball anymore.

- Isn't that great?
- But I can't stop now.

- Huh?
- Not when I'm finally getting good.

You were right, Mom. I just need a
little more practice. Let's go practice.

See you outside.

So, what's on the next page
of your parenting handbook?

- Ian, can you please hurry?
- I am hurrying.

- We should be on the road.
- It's not like checking out of a hotel.

There's doors to secure,
I have to turn the gas off.

- Can't you do that later?
- When it's overrun by raccoons?

The joke'll be on them when it blows up.

Mike is awake, he's lying there
and he's wondering where I am.

Yes, I get it. You're in a hurry.
Just please give me a minute.

I bet you'd move faster
if Jane were awake.

Here's the picture that you took of me
in my bikini at that pool party.

You could have warned me
I was showing a little nip.

Oh. Susan Mayer.
Remember her?

Yeah. She's pretty.

Yeah, she is sorta in this picture.
Is there a date on this thing?

The nurses said
that she visited me a lot.

- We were close, huh?
- You have just come out of a coma.

Can we not talk about Susan
till you start to regain your strength?

Why?

Oh, God. I hate to be
the one telling you this.

- Well, if you don't want to...
- That tramp treated you like dirt.

She strung you along,
she slept with other guys.

You broke up with her twice.

Then why did she keep visiting me
when I was out of it?

Well, she's a bit of a stalker.

I was worried that she was gonna
disconnect one of the tubes.

But don't worry,
she's glommed onto some new guy,

and she's up in the mountains
at his place with him right now.

Wow. She told the nurses
that she really loved me.

That's the one thing about Susan
that you must never forget.

She is a liar.

- You waiting to see Mike Delfino?
- Uh... Yes. I'm a... I'm a neighbor.

But he has a visitor,
so I'll come back later.

He may not recognize you.
He's suffered significant memory loss.

Really?

That's too bad.

Sure you don't wanna go in?
Ms. Britt won't mind.

No, I've waited this long.
I can wait a bit longer.

Gabby?

- Hey, Carlos. What's up?
- My key won't work.

That's probably
because I had the locks changed.

- Gabby.
- Can't be too safe.

You never know when someone might
move in on you when you're not looking.

Hello, 911? There's an intruder
breaking into my home.

[glass breaking]

Can you tell them to come armed?
I think he's Mexican.

I'm telling you. I'm her husband.

I bought her this house.
My name is on the deed.

If you're married, it's a matter of
public record. I can find out quickly.

All right. We're going through a messy
divorce, and he moved back in on me.

The wife keeps the house and
the husband gets the crappy apartment.

It's the American way.

Call my lawyer. This is legal. She knows
it. She's trying to get back at me.

I hear that.

You wouldn't believe
the stuff my wife pulled when we split.

Whoa! You can't take sides. Police
officers aren't allowed to take sides.

I pay your salary.

Ted, you see that?
This lady just assaulted me.

Oh... [scoffs]

It was a swat. Ted, does this hurt?

Get your hands off me. Police brutality!

[car engine starting]

This is all my fault. Why punish Parker?

Sorry, Mrs. Scavo. Rules are rules.
I can't put him back on the team.

Just one more game, he'll suck,
the other kids will taunt him.

He'll wanna quit again.
See, everybody wins.

- Wish I could help, but...
- Please.

You can't bend the rules just once?

You know, the team could use
some new batting helmets.

- You're asking for a bribe?
- You pretending you're above that?

I'll get my checkbook.

Hello, Vera.

I made you some of those shortbread
biscuits that you like so much.

How sweet. Can you stay for some tea?

It's been so long.
We have some catching up to do.

Yes. Yes, we do.

I know how painful this must be for you.

It isn't easy for me either,
considering Andrew's role in it.

- And why have you told me this?
- Because I thought you'd wanna know.

Why?

So you could do something.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

That I know nothing about the man
I've lived with for 27 years?

I've always assumed
Howard had some outlet.

A friend tucked away somewhere.

I didn't know. I didn't care to know.

But thank you for painting so vivid,
so indelible a picture

of my husband's activities.

I'm sorry.
I just felt that if it were me, I...

- You'd want to know.
- Yes. Absolutely.

Then I owe you an apology.

Because I've been sitting
on a little secret about your family.

- Oh?
- Actually, it's not much of a secret.

It's common knowledge
among the cheerleaders.

What is?

The fact that Danielle
is sleeping with her history teacher.

But where are my manners?

I should have brought
some biscuits with that.

[umpire] Batter up.

Well, aren't we just
the parents of the year?

Rooting for our son to fail so we can
weasel out of a bribery scandal.

Two bribery scandals.
Gotta count the batting helmets.

Strike one.

For what it's worth,
I don't think you're a quitter.

Good.

- And you don't resent me?
- No.

[umpire] Ball one.

- OK, well, maybe a little.
- Why?

You get to chase your dream while
I get to spend my life in advertising.

Strike two.

Maybe I'd like to write a book
or, you know, start my own magazine.

Then I think, "I can't.
I have a family to support."

And I am OK with that...
most of the time.

You know what? I'm gonna look into
that job at Burnham Fox.

Don't you dare.

You are gonna chase your dream and I am
gonna support you 99%% of the time.

- That's all I could really ask for.
- [gasping]

[cheering]

How the hell did he do that?

- [cheering]
- Crap, they're cheering for him.

Oh, jeez. He's never gonna quit now.
What are we gonna say to him?

- Ow!
- [crowd gasping]

Ow! Ow!

I don't know, buddy.
It looks like a pretty bad sprain.

Probably gonna be out
the rest of the season.

Damn.

Hey, but you know what?
That was one heck of a hit.

Sure was.

[buzzer sounding]

Posted your bail. We can go.

- [sighs] Gabby...
- Don't talk to me.

Oh, lighten up. You were in there
for maybe an hour.

The whole thing is funny
and you know it.

Come on, Gabby.

We've been going at each other
for months now. Can we just stop?

You know we're gonna end up
back together.

Wow. You are crazy.

What's crazy is throwing away
the past three years.

Why can't we just say
what we really feel for a change?

Fine. I'll get the ball rolling.
I still love you.

That's too bad. I don't love you.

Yeah, right.

I don't.

And I haven't for a very long time.

That's a lie.
You're just saying that to hurt me.

No. If I wanted to hurt you
I would tell you about last weekend,

when I slept with John Rowland.

[Gaby] Carlos, what are you doing?

Carlos!

Carlos! You can't leave me out here
in the middle of nowhere.

[screaming]

[Bree] Danielle, he is your history
teacher and he is 35 years old.

- Robert says age is just a number.
- Don't you dare leave.

You can't break us up.
I love him and he loves me.

Come on, Mom.

I am so tired of feeling like
the worst mother who ever lived.

You're not. There's Grandma.

I've tried so hard
to set a good example.

I've done the best I could
to teach you kids right from wrong.

Why isn't it taking?

It took. I mean, we know the difference
between right from wrong.

We just chose wrong.

Why?

Sometimes when you push a kid
really hard to go one way,

the other way
starts to look more entertaining.

You're awful.

I know. I blame shoddy parenting.

[exhales]

You know, we never discussed what
it was like for you while you were away.

I just want you to know,
if you ever wanna talk about it,

there's nothing you can't tell me.

Um...

Thanks.

Not right now, OK?

I'll pick up my bags later.

- It's not my fault you weren't there.
- What?

It's not.
I know what you're feeling, but...

How could you possibly know?

For six months I have prayed every day
for that man to wake up.

- And you made me give up on him.
- I did not make you.

Not on purpose.
You were sweet, charming and English.

So when my prayers were answered,
I was naked in someone else's arms.

- This should never have happened.
- You can say what you want.

Say that you feel guilty.
Say that it was bad timing.

But don't you say
that this should never have happened.

Because you're the best thing
that's happened to me in years.

Ian, I'm sorry.

I know how you feel.

It's Mike. It's my Mike.

Then... Then you should go.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. You are awake.

- Hi, Susan.
- Oh, God.

It's so wonderful
to hear your voice again.

- They say you've been here a lot.
- Yes. Yes, I have.

Almost every day. I can't tell you
how much I'm kicking myself

for not being here when you woke up.

Where were you?

I was in the country.

But I'm back now.

OK.

Something wrong?
You don't seem happy to see me.

To be honest, I don't remember you.

What?

I remember moving to Fairview
and meeting people.

After that, nothing.
The doctors say it's the head trauma.

Oh.

But you're gonna be all right.

I'm gonna help you remember.

If you don't mind,
I'm kind of tired now.

Oh.

OK.

God...

Right, you, um... You sleep.

I'll come back tomorrow.

I'd rather you didn't.

Well, I've got therapy.

Maybe next week.

OK.

[Mary Alice] We all have our reasons
for rewriting history.

Sometimes we need
to provide ourselves alibis.

Drama camp was awesome.

We're talking zero supervision.

Sometimes we wanna hurt
someone who has hurt us.

So you can tell Carlos
that he can have the photo albums.

She says that they hold
no sentimental value for her.

And then there are times we just wanna
spare ourselves embarrassment.

I don't know how these rumors start.

Parker only quit the team
'cause he hurt his ankle.

Of course, there are some
who feel that to rewrite history

is just another way to lie.

And poor Howard
has to work late again tonight.

Of course,
he does it all for the family.

But what is history anyway...

You say I dated Susan for a long time.

Do you think I was in love with her?

... but a set of lies, agreed upon?

I don't.

I really, really don't.