Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 3 - A Weekend in the Country - full transcript

Bree and Orson's honeymoon is interrupted when Bree discovers Andrew is homeless; Tom's camping trip with the kids ends with an emergency; Gabrielle runs into John; Susan's quiet romantic getaway with Ian doesn't go as planned.

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

- [screaming]
- [man] Prior to implantation

your embryo was switched
with another client's.

Carlos and Gabby
didn't get what they expected.

- I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew.
- You're not that hot.

Julie met her new neighbor.

God, I love seeing you laugh.

It's been a long time since
I've been in the mood to. Thank you.

Persistence paid off
for Susan's new friend.

You're gonna leave me
in the middle of nowhere?

And Bree began to regret
what she had done.

Orson Hodge dreamed
of the perfect honeymoon.

Indeed, he'd begun planning it

the moment Bree Van de Kamp
agreed to marry him.

They'd start by flying first class

to an exclusive five-star hotel,

where they'd spend
their days by the pool

and their nights making love.

And when they returned home,

their perfect honeymoon
would continue forever.

Mrs. Hodge.

Yes, Mr. Hodge?

Do you have any idea
how happy we're going to be?

I don't need to be any happier
than I am already at this very second.

Only 15 minutes before our plane.

- If you want that latte, go now.
- That's a good idea.

[reporter on TV] The population of
homeless teenagers continues to climb.

This is Andrew. Andrew,
what is it like to live on the streets?

It's not so bad. I mean,
sometimes people give you food.

You can find a lot in Dumpsters.

Last night I found almost
a whole bucket of chicken

that'd hardly been touched.

Andrew told me
his heart-wrenching story.

An alcoholic mother, a father
murdered by the woman's boyfriend,

and a childhood shattered

the day his mother abandoned him
on the side of the road.

[woman] I'll tell you one thing.

Some people just should
never be allowed to have children.

I got an extra one just in case...
Bree, what's the matter?

A reporter just did a story on
homeless teens. My son was one of them.

Oh, my God. Well, we'll call Child
Welfare the minute we get to the resort.

Orson, you can't imagine
that we're still going?

- The tickets are non-refundable.
- My son is eating out of Dumpsters.

Think how much better you'll deal with
this crisis after a nice, relaxing...

Orson, my child is in trouble.

Don't make me choose
between the two of you. You will lose.

Now, please, get your ass in gear.

[Mary Alice] It was at this moment that
Orson realized the honeymoon was over,

in more ways than one.

[Mary Alice] It was a holiday weekend
on Wisteria Lane

and everyone was packing their bags,

hoping to get away from it all.

- No, no. All right, bye.
- This is so unfair.

No! What's unfair is
we're running out of money

and you've barely looked for a job.

You'll have a good time.
I love you. Goodbye.

[Mary Alice] Lynette was getting away
from growing tension in her marriage.

You can call it blackmail.
The court calls it spousal support.

So unless I get a check by Monday,
your shower buddies from jail

will be throwing you
a welcome-back party.

[Mary Alice] Gabrielle was getting away
from an increasingly bitter divorce.

Hi. I'm ready.

That's my number
in case there's any change.

I'm going to the mountains
with a friend.

And just in case you were wondering,
it's strictly platonic.

He wasn't wondering.

[Mary Alice] Susan was getting away
from mounting guilt.

So you can't tell me
anything about my son?

[Mary Alice] And then there was Bree,

who had just learned
there are some problems...

- Fine.
- ... you can't run away from.

All she could tell me was
what neighborhood they found him in.

They don't have any contact information,
no phone number, no address.

If he had an address,
he wouldn't be homeless.

This really blows. I am this close
to becoming homecoming queen.

Now I'm gonna be that creepy girl whose
brother's a pathetic street junkie.

You could show a little compassion.

Your brother is out on the streets,
struggling to survive.

And whose fault is that?

- She's right. This is all my fault.
- You can't blame yourself.

No parent can stop a child
who's determined to run away.

He didn't run away.

- I kicked him out.
- You what?

I left him on the roadside
with some money and his clothes.

I didn't tell you because I was afraid
of what you'd think of me.

You did what you had to do.

I just wish you'd said something sooner.

There's nothing you can't tell me.

I don't want there to be
any secrets between us.

There won't be. Not anymore.

Andrew is not the only one
having a rough year.

I'm the one whose boyfriend
got shot right in front of her.

We'll talk in the car.

Don't you love this?

God bless Tom for taking
the kids camping this weekend.


It's exactly what we needed, especially
after everything I've been through.

I am all about relaxing
and rejuvenating...

- Gabby?
- Yeah?

- Could you be all about shutting up?
- I'm sorry.

- Thanks.
- [cell phone rings]

Don't tell me
you brought your cell phone.

I'm sorry. It's just... I'm waiting
for Carlos's lawyer to call.

This whole spousal support thing's
gotten ugly.


- Oh, hi, Tom.
- No. No, no, no.

Yeah. Yeah, she's right here. Hang on.

Did you say something?


Honey, I know it is your weekend away,
but it's my damn back.

[children clamoring]

- I threw it out again.
- So?

So I can barely sit up.
The kids are running wild.

- I need you to come up here.
- Take a muscle relaxant.

Honey, I've already taken two.
They're not making a dent.

- Why don't you give 'em to the kids?
- Lynette.

Please, Tom, please don't do this to me.

Parker, for the last time,
put down the damn axe!

Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah.
I will be there as soon as I can.

- God, I hate my life.
- I know.

I wouldn't trade with you for anything.

Oh, wow. Look at the view.


- I love when the leaves change color.
- That's why I suggested this.

So we could hang out for the weekend
and enjoy the, uh...


Yeah, scenery's great.

So, um... maybe I should unpack.

Where should I do that?

Well, there are two bedrooms.

One is mine.

- And there's a guest room.
- Oh!

A guest room. Well, that's handy.


Unless, of course,
you'd like to sleep in my room.

In which case
I would take the guest room.

Oh... Uh...

No, no. I should take the guest room
because I am the guest.

Yeah, well, it's up the stairs
and at the end of the hall.



Susan, I, um...
I think I have your suitcase.

Yeah, and I think I have yours.

- Did you, did you happen to see the...?
- Yeah.

- And did you notice...?
- Hard to miss.

- Well, I'm just gonna...
- Hide pathetically in your room?

- Uh-huh.
- Me, too.

Hey, Lynette.

- What are you doing here?
- Kayla told me about Tom's back.

My car got impounded again, so I thought
that I'd hitch a ride with you.


You mean, like, we're gonna be
driving in the car together?

Well, you could strap me
to the front bumper,

but, uh, yeah,
I'd be more comfortable inside.

It's like an eight-hour drive.

- So?
- Um...

How far is the impound lot?
I could just drive you over there and...

- What's your problem, Lynette?
- I don't have a problem.

I just don't think we both need to go.
I can grab Kayla and bring her back.

I see your plan.

You wanna go charging up
on your white horse and save everyone,

and then I get to be the rotten mother
who didn't give a rat's ass

and stayed home eating bonbons.


[Mary Alice] Due to Lynette's
sudden departure...

Thank you.

... Gabrielle was forced to spend the
last night of her spa vacation alone.

But she didn't mind.

In fact, she looked forward to
a quiet dinner alone with her thoughts.

Unfortunately for Gabrielle,

her thoughts quickly turned
to her impending divorce

and the empty house
she'd soon return to.

And she began to resent
the happy couples she was seeing...

... everywhere.

What is this? Freakin' Noah's Ark?

[man] Wow. Guess it really is
a small world.

Who's there? I can't see you.

Can you see me now?


[woman] How much, baby?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I mean... Miss. I'm looking for someone.
His name is Andrew.

- Have you seen him?
- Hard to say, boo.

I see a lot of lost boys his age.

Good-Iooking one, though.
Someone special?

Yes, very.
And I'm worried sick about him.

Try the soup kitchen
at St. Malachi's on Third.

- Thank you, Miss...
- Gates. Pearly Gates.

'Cause you can't get to heaven
without going through me.

- [chuckling]
- How very saucy.

- Great piano. Do you play?
- Ooh, no, I'm a bit rusty.

Jane loved to sing, so I'd play for her.
But since the accident...



Brandy, roaring fire.
What could be more romantic?

Well, I can think of something.

- Wow, my heart is pounding.
- Is that a bad thing?

Consider the alternative.

Your heart is beating
even faster than mine.

I guess I'm excited.
It has been a while.

Me, too.

So was that OK?

It was bloody fantastic.

Course, it's a bit different
than what I'm used to.


Well, I was with the same woman
for a long time.

Oh, yeah. But, I mean, you kissed
other girls before that, right?

Sure, but most of them were 12.

As was I. I met Jane at a school dance,

and after we started dating, well, I...
I never looked at anyone else.

Are you saying
Jane is the only woman you ever...

Oh, God.
I so didn't want to tell you that.

Why not? I think that's adorable.

I don't want to be adorable.
I want to be dashing and worldly.

Ian. It's OK.

Some people have a lot of lovers
and some just a few.

It doesn't matter.

Well, seeing as it doesn't matter,
where do you fall on that spectrum?


You know, how many men
have you been with?

- Ian.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

That was rude. I withdraw the question.

It's not that it's rude.
It's just immaterial.

It's just a number.
It doesn't mean anything.

Seeing as it doesn't mean anything...
You know my number. It's only fair.

Is it more than three?

- Nine.
- Tell me you were answering in German.

Nine lovers is not a lot.

- Nine lovers does not make me a slut.
- Why are you getting upset?

Because I knocked off two
and you're still judging me.

I'm not. It's just...
Did you work in the recording industry?

OK, just so you know,
eleven is not a lot for a woman my age.

- How old are you?
- What is this, the Gallup poll?

- Where are you going?
- To bed. Alone.

It's something I've always wanted to try
but I've just never gotten around to.

They liked the landscaping I did so much

that they hired my company
to do the whole Sinclair Hotel chain.

Your company?
You have a company now?

Oh, my gosh.
When I met you, all you had was a bike.

Well, the gardening channel's approached
me about hosting my own show.

I mean, we're still
in the talking stages, but...

- What?
- Nothing. I just...

I can't get over how mature
and confident you are.

- You have really changed.
- Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice.

So I guess there's no chance
of getting you over

to pick the dead leaves off my ficus.

Yeah, you know, I'm kinda past that.

Besides, I don't think
Mr. Solis would approve.

Actually, we're getting a divorce.

Wow. Um...

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Really? Then why are you smiling?

I don't know. Why are you?


It's really great to see you.


I think that's the first time
you've ever called me that.

Well, um, I hope you enjoy
the rest of your stay.

I intend to.



Your cuppy thing is full.

Do you mind if I put this
in your glove compartment?

Yeah, I do mind. I mind deeply.

I'll just get rid of 'em.

[rolling down window]

Oh, that... Delightful.
That's delightful.

Maybe it'll just soak up
the cream soda you spilled.

Why do you always pick on me?

It's like your new favorite game
is finding fault with Nora.

No. My favorite game is counting

all the things I'm dying to say to you
but I don't.

Like, "Pipe down, you annoying nutjob."

I'd never say that.

- You think I'm crazy.
- No.

You're colorful.

Colorful in a way
that might respond to medication.

Well, you know,
there's levels of crazy, Lynette.

I mean, there are people like me
who just have a big personality.

And then there are the kind of people
who do things like this.

Oh, my God! Knock it off!
What's the matter with you?

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

- Lighten up. Come on, it was a joke.
- No, well, it wasn't funny.

If you wanna kill yourself, fine!
Don't take me with you.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd
really like that, if I killed myself.

That is not what I'm saying.

But if you did,
I'd find a way to carry on.

- Pull over.
- Oh, lighten up, it's a joke.

- Pull the car over.
- Nora...

Pull it over! Pull over
or I will jump out of this car.

All right, all right. I'm pulling over.
Jeez! What the hell are you doing?

Hitching my way... to the campsite!

- Nora, you can't be serious.
- Shut up!

Just get outta my face.
I'm not talking to you.

Look, you've gone from crazy to stupid.
This guy could be dangerous.

Well, then, it's your lucky day,
huh, Lynette?

- [truck horn honking]
- Shut up!

See? This is what you do.
You just manipulate.

You wormed your way into my family.

You conned your way
into coming on this trip with me.

And now you wanna force me
into saving you.

Well, forget it. You wanna go, go.


[truck horn honking]

[sighing] No, I've tried that.
It wasn't enough power.

Yeah, I'm way ahead of you.
All right. Here it goes.

Ah! It worked. I'm a genius.

- [rap music playing]
- Oh. Hi. Um, I'm looking for Edie.

- She's out.
- God, where is everyone tonight?

Anything I can do?

Not unless you can fix a fuse box. My
science fair project blew the power out.

- What's your project?
- Oh, uh, it's complicated.

Think I'm too dumb to understand
your little project?

It's not little.
I've finished third in the state twice.

Now, can you fix the fuse box or not?

Most houses built after 1990
are wired through a circuit breaker.

You didn't blow a fuse.
You tripped a breaker.

Not to challenge a two-time
state science fair almost-champion.

- Let me grab a flashlight.
- Maybe you could also grab a shirt.

And some pants. Pants would be nice.

[knocking on door]

[Ian] Susan, can I come in?

I'm with a client. Take a number.

Susan, please.

Everything I said came out
of my own insecurity and fear

that I might, well,
I might disappoint you.

I was gonna stay mad at you
another hour,

but your damn accent
gets me every time.

- Blimey, you don't say?
- Don't push it.

I don't mean to break the flow,
but I just...

Look, I know that I'm only
your second lover ever,

and I know that means a lot.

- I just don't want it to mean too much.
- I'm not following you.

What do you want it to mean?

The last time you did this,
it turned into a lifetime commitment.

- I just... I'm not ready for that.
- You think I am?

Well, I assure you, I'm as capable
of having meaningless sex as you are.

I have never had meaningless sex.

You were passionately in love and deeply
committed to all eleven conquests?

Don't judge me, Mr. Virgin Plus One.

OK, OK, we seem to have gotten off
on the wrong foot again. Susan...

Cheerio? Bob's your uncle?

Get out.

- Can't we at least talk?
- Every time we do we just get angry.

We're getting to know each other.
That's good.

You've learned I'm a tad insecure.
I've learned you're a wee bit touchy.

Ian, you know what?
This is not happening.

I am just going to sleep and you can
just drive me home in the morning.

[door closes]

Excuse me. I'm looking for my son.
Have you seen him?

Have you seen him?

Excuse me, young man.
Have you seen this boy?

Andrew. Oh, my God. Thank God.

- What are you doing here?
- How did you get that bruise?

- It's none of your business.
- Andrew, please.

Shouldn't you be taking care
of your new husband?

- How did you find out...?
- I read it in the paper.

- The one I sleep under.
- You have every right to be angry.

But if you knew how sorry I am...

If you came sucking after forgiveness,
you came to the wrong place.

Can't we just talk about this? I'm your
mother, for God's sakes. You're my son.

No, you dumped your son
at a gas station seven months ago.

I'm somebody else now.


- [horns honking]
- Andrew!

Andrew, please!


[Creedence Clearwater Revival:
Proud Mary plays on radio]

[radio turns off]

What happened to your ride?

The guy grabbed my boob, so I hit him
with his bong and I got out.

I'm sorry I freaked out there before.

It's just when you made that crack
about suicide, it just kinda hit home.

Oh, my God, Nora. Did you actually...?

Well, I'm very sorry. I had no idea.

But your life is better now, right?
You have a beautiful daughter.

And you have that fun job
at the Pancake House.

- Oh, yeah, my life's better.
- Yeah.

But it's not your life.

Your life's perfect.

Excuse me?

Did you smoke that bong
before you beat the guy with it?

It's just, you have it all.
You have the kids. You have the career.

You have the husband.
You're Supermom.

And you think that's easy?

OK, I have a good life.
Yes. Yes, I am very lucky.

But I work 12 hours a day,
and then I come home

to what seems like 33 children
and a husband who refuses to get a job.

Believe me,
there is not a supermom out there

who wouldn't trade in her cape
for a chance to read a book

and get a massage by a man who has
the decency to leave when it's over.

OK. Sorry I brought it up.

I'm sorry I said that about Tom.
He's doing his best to find a job.

Maybe he'd try a little harder
if he didn't hate advertising so much.

He doesn't hate advertising.

Last week,
when he came to pick up Kayla

and he'd just come
from some crappy interview,

he said that he'd hated the ad game
for, like, freakin' ever,

and would like to bag the whole thing.

He said that to you?

- He's never told me that.
- He's probably afraid to.

Why would he be afraid?

Because you're the kind of woman who,

when someone says they wanna
kill themselves, you say, "Go ahead."


- Sure you don't wanna come in?
- No, I'm good.

You really should see what I'm doing.
You know, for next time.

OK, here's the tripped switch.

So, first you move it to "off' to reset,

then you press it to "on."

- That's it?
- Yeah.

You didn't have to come
all the way over here.

- You could've just explained it to me.
- Yeah, I guess I could have.

Well, hello there.

Edie, hi.

Oh, sorry. Uh, he was helping me
get the lights back on.

I... I overloaded my circuits.

I can see that.

So she's doing some big science project

and she needed me to explain
how electricity works.

- I think that's called irony.
- Julie, where's your mom?

She's on a trip. Do you need something?

Yeah. Back when I could stand her
I loaned her my CD player. I need it.

- She took it to the hospital. For Mike.
- Oh, God.

This Florence Nightingale act
is really chapping my ass.

Hey, science guy,
I have an experiment for you.

Go home, mix two ounces of gin,
a splash of vermouth

and see if it improves my mood
when I drink it.

Julie, sweetie, you're a good girl.

Do yourself a favor.
Stay away from my nephew.

Oh, oh! Trust me, I have no interest

in swaggering, muscle-bound
juvenile delinquents.

Honey, that's what every good girl says
just before she becomes a bad girl.

Trust me. I know.

- Just like old times, huh?
- Mm-hm.

Except now I don't have to proofread
your essay on Ethan Frome.

And I don't have to jump
out of a window. That's a nice change.

Hey, how about
I order up a bottle of Dom?

I like rich John.

[cell phone ringing]


Oh, hi.

Nothing. You know,
just room service and a movie.


Really? You're kidding?

No, I'm thrilled.

It's room 424.

Me, too. Bye.

- You gotta get out of here.
- What?

- My fianc?e's on her way up.
- Your fianc?e?

She was supposed to come tomorrow.
She decided to surprise me. Get dressed.

You're engaged? To who?

Her name's Tammy.
Where's your other shoe?

I would never have let you seduce me
if I knew you were getting married.

- What about when you were married?
- You knew about Carlos.

- My cheating was upfront and honest.
- Gabby, we don't have time for this.

- Get moving.
- No. I'm not going anywhere.

- I wanna meet the blushing bride.
- Listen. Her name is Tammy Sinclair.

As in Sinclair Hotels.
Her father owns this whole damn chain.

So if she catches you in here,
I am totally screwed.

[knocking on door]


Look at you, surprising me.

- I missed you.
- I missed you, too.

This room blows. Daddy was supposed
to hook us up with a suite.

You're right. Why don't we go down
to the front desk and demand one?

- Come on.
- They're all booked.

They call this a closet?
Where am I supposed to put all my stuff?

You know, I could really use a drink.
Why don't we go down to the bar?

I'm wiped. I just wanna stay in.

Didn't you unpack yet?

No, actually, the zipper is stuck.

But they have a guy at the hotel
that can fix it.

I should probably go ahead
and take it down to the lobby.


I'm horny.

So am I.

But I will be a lot hornier
once I get rid of this suitcase.

[bell chimes]

Poodle, where did
this diamond watch come from?

Oh, shoot.

That's what you get for surprising me.
I didn't get a chance to wrap it.

You like it?

I love it.

- I'm never taking it off.
- [Gabby] Son of a bitch.

Come here, you.

[bell chimes]

[Gabby whispering] John?

John, where are you, damn it.

Don't laugh.
I saved a bundle on airfare.

[soft piano music playing]

[stops playing]

- Susan, I'm so...
- Shh.

Keep playing.

[resumes playing]

[stops playing]

Your azaleas are breathtaking.

Thank you. [clears throat]

You should be very proud of them.

Yeah, it's nice to know
that I can raise some things correctly.

[sighs] Darling, be patient.

Andrew will come around.

No, I don't think he will.

- I failed him.
- You're being too hard on yourself.

You're not being hard enough. Stop
saying what I did was understandable.

I'm a mother who abandoned her child.
That's unnatural.

Bree, it's hot, you're tired.
Why don't you come inside?

Because there's a bottle of Chardonnay
in the refrigerator.

This little chore
is the only thing that's keeping me

from going inside
and drinking the whole damn thing.


The azaleas really are lovely.

Yes, they are, aren't they?


Look, I'm sorry.

Here's your watch.
Guess I'll just buy Tammy a new one.

Don't you mean her daddy will buy her
one and launder the money through you?

I don't blame you for being angry.
I should have told you the truth.

But when I saw you
there in the moonlight,

it took me right back
to when we were together.

Me, too.

Do you wanna sit down?

You know,
you're pretty hard to stay mad at.

Good. 'Cause I really
didn't want this to end badly.

Who says it has to end?

- What are you talking about?
- Well, I'm single now.

- And I thought we could maybe...
- Gabby, I'm getting married.

Sure. And I was married
when we got together.

Right, but that is not
how I'm gonna be married.

Well, that's what I thought,
but, trust me, marriage is hard.

I know that.

But I love Tammy,
and I don't wanna screw it up.

'Cause enough of those screwups
and you just end up alone.

Yeah, that can happen.

Goodbye, Gabrielle.

Hey, mister, could you spare
a buck or two? I'm really hungry.

Hey, thanks.

I'll give you fifty more,
you let me buy you lunch.

Fries and a large root beer.

- What do I have to do to earn this?
- I told you, I just wanna talk to you.

- You another reporter?
- No.

You a youth pastor?
You trying to save my soul?

You make it sound like a challenge.
No, I just wanna understand you, Andrew.

Hey, how did you know my name?

You're him, aren't you?
You're, uh, the new husband.


If I wouldn't talk to her,
what makes her think I'll listen to you?

Your mother doesn't know I'm here.

All right, Dad.
What do you wanna talk about, Dad?

I wanna know how you survive out here.
What do you do for money?

I ask. People give it to me.

That's it?

Wha...? What do you wanna know?

Have I done stuff for money
that I'm not proud of?

Yeah, sure, but you figured that out

as soon as I asked you
what the fifty was for.

But, uh... don't tell my mom.

Or you know what? Do. Who cares?

Part of you wants me to tell her because
you know how much it would hurt her.

I mean, that's why you're out here,
isn't it? To punish her.

When will you have
punished her enough, Andrew?

When you turn to drugs to numb the pain,
catch a disease you'll never be rid of?

Don't pretend to care about me,
all right?

I do care about you,
because Bree cares about you.

And because we're more alike
than you think.

I know about rage.

I know how it eats you up.
But rage goes away.

And when it does, you're just left
with the mess you've made.

Thanks for lunch.

You change your mind,
you know where to find us.

- How's your back?
- If I don't breathe, great.

God, it has been so long
since my back has acted up.

Then, wham! Out of the blue,
I'm crying by a tree stump.

Well, you're under a lot of stress.

You got a new kid in the family,
you're job-hunting...

Are we gonna fight again? If so,
I need those last four muscle relaxants.

No, I don't wanna fight.

In fact, I was thinking...

...if you can't find something
you like in advertising,

maybe you should cast a wider net.

Meaning what?

You're a bright guy. Isn't there
anything else you might wanna do?

I'd like to play bass for Aerosmith.

OK, let's call that the backup plan.

But, seriously,
don't you have some road not taken,

some dream you never got around to?

I don't know. Maybe.


I don't know, you get married,
you have kids,

and... lose track of that stuff.

Well, think about it, OK?

'Cause whatever you wanna do,
I'm in your corner.

Man, did I luck out marrying you.

Tell me something I don't know.

[woman over loudspeaker indistinct]

Hi, Mike.

It's Edie.

I'm sorry
that I haven't come by to visit.

Pretty rough luck, huh?

Anyway, I'm, um... here to pick up
my CD player, so...

Well, I hope you feel better soon.


And that's with the coma.

[Mary Alice] We all carry
something with us.

Of course, it's nice
if we travel with someone

who can help lighten the load.

But usually it's easier to just drop
what we've been carrying,

so we can get home that much sooner.

Assuming, of course,
there will be someone there

to greet us when we arrive.

Why do we clutch at this baggage,

even when we're desperate
to move on?

Because we all know there's a chance

we might let go too soon.