Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 2 - It Takes Two - full transcript

Bree and Orson's wedding doesn't go as planned; Trouble ensures when Ian's in-laws show up; Xiao-Mel goes into labor

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

It means a lot to her to feel included.

Sometimes dark clouds
have silver linings.

He sort of asked me out.
It's OK with you if I go out with him?

Sometimes they don't.

Once that baby comes, I'm gonna be
stuck raising a child alone.

When it comes to life
on Wisteria Lane...

Will you marry me?

... things that seem
too good to be true...

- She know you killed your wife?
- ... usually turn out...

Get away from him now while you can.

... to be deadly.

Brides are sensitive creatures,

and no one knows this better

than the bridesmaids
who have to deal with them.

I think a ten-foot train is great,
but a shorter one would be just as nice,

and you wouldn't have to worry
about people tripping on it.

Personally, I love smoked rabbit,

but for a sure crowd-pleaser,
you can't beat chicken.

Sure. Who doesn't love a string quartet?

But if you got a band,
maybe people could dance,

as opposed to sway.

But one area where a bridesmaid's tact
is most required involves the dress...

So what do you think?

... she's required to wear.


I'm not sure that I've ever seen
this shade of green before.

It'll be gorgeous with my coloring.

- Yes, it would look perfect.
- For someone with your coloring.

It's not easy putting a wedding
together in two weeks.

Then why the rush?

Yeah, I'd have thought of you
as a person who wants time to plan.

Well, Orson and I talked about it,

and we just feel
at our age it's silly to wait.

With your help, we can get it all done.

Well, we are happy to pitch in.

I have to get a copy
of the seating chart for you, Gabby.

You are in charge of the centerpieces.

And, Susan,
I will think of a job for you.

Here's a job. Talking you
out of marrying a homicidal dentist.

We don't know that. All we have
is some crazy woman's accusation.

His wife vanished.
He didn't even tell Bree.

- How much proof do you need?
- He says he's innocent.

She believes him.
If we say we don't, she'll hate us.

I'm sorry. I cannot sit here
on my Key-lime ass

and watch Bree make
the worst mistake of her life.

[Bree clears throat]

And what mistake would that be?



[Mary Alice] Yes, a bridesmaid can
question many of the bride's choices...

These dresses are hideous.

... but the groom isn't one of them.

[Mary Alice] The perfect couple.

We've all met them, haven't we?

That man and woman
so clearly made for each other,

we feel certain
they're on the road to happiness.

But that road has many detours.

And even perfect couples
can find themselves... at a dead end.

- [Carlos] You want what?
- [Gabby] You heard me.

And I want the bedroom stereo,

I want the marble console,
and that painting of St. Augustine.

- You don't even know who he is.
- I know he matches the drapes.

Can we focus?

And my pearl necklace.
I noticed that you swiped it.

That was Mama's, and her mama's.
It belongs in my family.

You thought I belonged in your family,
and you got over that.

- Stop eating my fries.
- I'm hungry.

You know what the doctor said.
This man bleeds bacon grease.


You have to find a way
to deal with each other.

You are about to bring a child
into this world and, divorced or not,

once that child arrives, you'll be
bound together for as long as you live.

Well, in that case,
have some more fries.

- [Nora] I'll pick Kayla up Sunday.
- Whenever, go.

You and Turk have a great time.

Trust me, we will.

- The man is a jackhammer.
- Ah.

- Bye, Tom. See ya Sunday.
- Bye.

Where is she going?

She and Turk are going
down to the river for the weekend.

That's Turk?
That's the new boyfriend? No.

Hey, Tom, please.

I don't want my daughter
with a guy like that.

You haven't even met him. He could be
the sweetest man in the world.

[both laughing]

More importantly,
since he entered the picture,

Squeaky Fromme is never around.

It has been bliss.
I haven't made this face in a week.

- If you ruin this, I will hurt you.
- Just look at him, please.

That is a child's skull
hanging from his rearview mirror.

- Doesn't that concern you?
- No, I'm good.

Could be a monkey.

Uh, I think I will have

the mesclun salad.

That's it? That's all you're having?

- Well, all the food is very expensive.
- You don't need to whisper.

The waiter knows they're robbing us
blind. You can have whatever you want.

In that case,
I'll have the lobster bisque

and the veal with the black truffles.

Is that OK?

Fine. I'll just have Jane moved
to the VA hospital.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm kidding. It's fine.

- I'll have what she's having.
- Of course. Thank you.

God, I love seeing you laugh.

It's been a long time since I've been
in the mood to. Thank you.

Oh, dear God.

- Did I squeeze too hard?
- No. It's my wife's parents.

Oh! Oh, wow.

Is this gonna be awkward?

No, not unless, of course, they see us.

- [man] Ian.
- Awkward.

Jeff. Renee. What a delightful surprise.

It's so good to see you, dear.

Hello. I'm Renee,
and this is my husband, Jeff.

- Susan Mayer.
- Doctor. Dr. Susan Mayer.

She's new to Jane's neurology team.

[Renee] Oh.

I just assumed
you worked in Ian's publishing house.

Well, yes, how nice
that would have been, huh?

But no, no. I'm... a brain specialist.

Well, Dr. Mayer, maybe I can ask you.

Our daughter's most recent EEG
showed brain spikes,

but it didn't change the score
on her Glasgow scale.

Why is that?

What an excellent question.

And this is the spinal cord.

And it, of course,
attaches to the brain.

You don't have to dumb it down for us.

We've been dealing
with Jane's condition for years.

Oh. Good. [stammers]

- Well, then, let's get technical.
- Let's give Dr. Mayer the night off.

She was in surgery for ten hours today,
performing a craniotomy.

That's exactly the procedure Jane had.
How'd it go?

Uh, well, it just...


I hear my phone vibrating.

Hello. Dr. Mayer.

Yeah, what?
You say that his brain shut off?

I'll be right there. Stat.

I'm sorry. Duty calls.

Orson, I moved the furniture back.

Good Lord, Bree. Not again.

[soft music plays]

Don't you want
our first dance to be perfect?

There'll be 200 people staring at us.

You know, Bree, since that incident
at our engagement party,

there's been
a lot of dark talk about me.

I don't pay attention to gossip.

I'd understand
if you had second thoughts

about marrying a man
who's under a cloud.

No one who knows you
could believe you could hurt a woman.

Strangers may talk,
but I know the truth.


Men have lied to me before.

Believe me, it'll never happen again.

So you trust me completely?

Clearly I do.

The body's unusually well-preserved
because it was buried in clay.

- Do we have a cause of death?
- Blunt force trauma to the head.

Pull all the missing persons reports.

Cross-check against
her height, age, and weight.

I'm running a DNA panel, since we won't
be able to use her dental records.

Why not?

Whoever killed her
pulled out all her teeth.

[woman crying]

Nora. What are you doing back?
Are you OK?

- Shut the door.
- OK.

I don't want Kayla to find me like this.

- What's wrong?
- Turk and I had a fight.

What? No. No, no, no.

- What happened?
- What happened is, Turk is an ass.

We stopped off at this bar and I got
bitchy with one of the waitresses.

Who cares, right? I mean, who cares?
It's a bar, and we all do it, right?


So, he tells me to watch my mouth,

and I'm like, whoa,

get a load of Mr. Two Strikes
trying to tell me how to act in public.

And then he called me a whore.
We're done.

OK, whoa, whoa. Take a deep breath.

You don't break up with a guy because
in a weak moment he calls you a whore.

And then on the way out,
he threatened to hit me.

OK, but he didn't, and until he...

Oh, jeez, Lynette.
Whose side are you on?

I'm on the side of love. You guys
seem like such a perfect couple.

- I know.
- I just...

You don't wanna throw that all away

'cause of a little fight
with no hitting.

[sniffs loudly]

No. It's over.

I just got off the phone with
Turk's parole officer and I was like,

"Guess who ain't in Nevada no more?"


I think I'm gonna have to
stay here tonight.

[rattling, footsteps running]

[Ioud crash]


- Austin?
- Hey, Aunt Edie.

Anyway, Mom just got back
from her cruise to Jamaica

with new boobs
and a 24-year-old cabin boy.

Needless to say, me and Mr. Can I
Get You Some More Hot Towels?

we didn't exactly hit it off.

After I broke his nose, I figured
it was time to visit my favorite aunt.

Your mom always did have
lousy taste in men.

So, I figured
I'd crash here for the night,

then hitch down to Mexico,
hang out, party.

Yeah. I'm thinking, like,
no way in hell.

Stay here with me until things
blow over with your mom, OK?

Cool. Thanks.

Wait. You're 18, right?

- Well, that's what my ID says.
- Yeah, mine too.

Hey! You are supposed to be on bed rest.

I'm bored.

Try putting on a pair of pants.
That should kill a couple of hours.

[doorbell chimes]

Hey, babe.

Hey, what is she doing out of bed?
That can't be good for her.

Or the stairs.

- What do you want?
- The mediator was right.

A month from now, we're not just
gonna be Carlos and Gabby,

we're gonna be Mom and Dad.

And I don't wanna be at war
with the mother of my child.

So, here.

Your mama's pearls. Carlos.

- Thank you.
- And?

And what?

Wouldn't you like to make
some reciprocal gesture?

Fine. You can come to Bree's
wedding reception, as my guest.

- Thanks. Where is it?
- Here.

Here? You're throwing the reception?

It's our wedding present to Bree.

I give you a priceless family heirloom,

and in return you invite me to a party
at my house that I'm paying for?

Well, what kind of gesture
did you have in mind?


- Mmm.
- The things I'll do for jewelry.

Susan, I am so sorry.

Dr. Mayer?

Panic. Pure panic.

Here. These are for
ruining our first date.


Not in front of Mike.

Look, Mike, Ian brought you flowers.
I'll just go put them in some water.

Look, I was just trying
to protect Jane's parents.

Oh, please...

They haven't accepted the fact
that Jane isn't going to wake up.

If they knew we were on a date,
that I was trying to move on,

well, it would devastate them.

A lovely excuse,
but it isn't the whole story.

Excuse me?

A part of you feels like
you're cheating on her.

No. Well, perhaps a small part,
but that doesn't mean...

It's all right,
'cause I feel guilty, too.

We should just stop this right now
because it's all way too complicated.

I think we'd both be happier
if we just went back to being friends.

Well, I don't think I can do that.

The truth is, I haven't thought of you
as just a friend for some time now.

Maybe I shouldn't have let myself
feel that way, but I have.

And I can't go back. I'm sorry.

Well, if we can't be friends...

...then I guess we'll be nothing.

[muffled rap music]

[rap music louder]

Hey, leave that alone.

Sorry. I was just...

...turning it down.

- You're not a music fan?
- Sure.

It's just, got anything
where a pimp isn't beating his ho?

I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew.


I'm Julie. Susan Mayer's daughter.


Anyway, I was trying
to do my homework, so...

On a Saturday?

Well, make sure and take regular breaks
and stop for a sensible dinner.

Just keep it down.
You had it really loud.

That's how I like it.

How do you like it?

You know what? You're not that hot.

[dog barking]

Hey, what you doing?

I'm working on the seating chart
for Bree's wedding.

- Nora? Who invited her?
- I did.

We need to find her another boyfriend.
Weddings are crawling with single men.

You're not seating her
next to my friends?

- Sacrifices must be made, Tom.
- Not Jerry Rawlings.

If she gets her psycho hooks into Jerry,
he will never speak to me again.

There are other urologists.
Go back to that other guy.

- The one with the cold hands?
- It's once a year. Suck it up.

Get a grip, Lynette.

Get a grip?
I am hanging on for dear life here.

You are the one that brought
this little problem into our family,

and the only thing I should be hearing
from you is, "How can I help?"

I am also putting
Steve Hanson at her table,

so you might wanna start shopping
around for a new golf buddy.

Get a grip.


[telephone rings]

Hi. My name's Susan Mayer. Your
neighbor told me I could find you here.


Well, I was at my friend Bree's
engagement party,

when you came in and you did that whole
"Orson killed his wife" thing.

I was wondering
if you could elaborate.

He killed her.
What else do you need to know?

Well, what makes you so sure?
Do you have any proof?

Look, I can't talk now.
I get off at six.

My friend is marrying that man
in two hours. Please.

OK, I need ten dollars
in unrolled pennies,

and I need to see you count it
because last time you stiffed me.

[pennies clinking]

After Alma disappeared, the police
came and searched the house.

The police? What did they find?


- And that's bad why?
- Don't you get it?

When the police showed up, Orson had
scrubbed every inch clean with bleach.

No fingerprints, no skin cells, no DNA.

It was like Alma had never existed.

Who cleans a house like that
unless he has something to hide?

- [organ playing]
- [chattering]

When I left the bank, I called
the detective that worked the case.

He said that the only reason
Orson was never charged

was because they never found a body.

- So he was an actual suspect?
- He was the only suspect.

- What are we gonna do?
- Well, you know what we have to do.

That was close. The florist put
three mums in my bridal bouquet,

but not to worry, crisis averted.

Bree, we have to talk.

Ah, Reverend.
Any word from the bridal party?

Still in the bride's room.
You know women.

They're probably fussing
about mascara and blush.

He did not hack her up
and dissolve the pieces in acid.

I said it was a theory.

Alma disappeared
under suspicious circumstances.

I don't have time. I'm getting married.

You can push the ceremony back an hour.

Now, get that detective on the phone.
Talk things out with Orson.

I can't. It's bad luck for the groom
to see the bride before the wedding.

You know what's really bad luck?
Marrying a wife-killer.

If the three of you don't drop this
right now, I will never forgive you.

Bree, we are just doing this
because we love you.

But if you can honestly tell us

that you don't have
the slightest doubt...

None whatsoever.

[footsteps approaching]

[organ plays Wedding March]

[Reverend] Dearly beloved, we are
gathered together in the sight of God

to join this man and woman in holy...

Excuse me.
Could you give us just a second?

- Is something wrong?
- I just need a moment.

[crowd murmuring]

Before we do this,
there's something I need to ask you.


Did you kill your wife?
Susan talked to that Carolyn woman.

Why didn't you tell me
the police searched your house?

Because it's embarrassing.
And they didn't find anything.

Is that because
you scrubbed the house so thoroughly?

When I'm upset, I clean.

For God's sake, Bree,
I swear to you, I did not kill my wife.



Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
together in the sight of God

to join this man and woman
in holy matrimony,

which is an honorable estate...

[chatter, laughter]

[whistling, cheering]

Hey. Look at you, Miss Popular. So,
are you having a good time over there?

As if. And I don't know what idiot
stuck me at that table,

but every guy over there
is just a boring stiff.

All of them?
What about Jerry? Jerry's fun.

You mean Mr. Fatty Hair Plugs?
Yeah, he's a blast.

How about Steve? You know what,
I hear his family has money.

Well, then maybe they could all chip in
and buy him some deodorant.

I'm through with those losers.
I'm gonna stay right here with you.

Are you gonna eat that?

- [gasps] Hey, look at you.
- [sighs] God, I hate wearing a tux.

On my way in, Bree's Aunt Fern
asked me to park the car.

She's got glaucoma. To her,
you're nothing but a Hispanic blur.

Let me fix your tie.

Hey, you're wearing Mama's pearls.



Hey, Julie.
Have you met my nephew Austin?

Yeah, we've met. I just
didn't recognize him with his shirt on.

She couldn't take her eyes off my abs.
I felt violated.

- Hi, Edie. Nice party, huh?
- It was.


It's nice to see you two
getting along again.

- We've sort of turned a corner.
- You're gonna be getting back together?

- God, no.
- Maybe.

Wow, is that shrimp?

What would make you think
I'd even consider taking you back?

- You invited me to be your date.
- Guest, Carlos. I said guest.

You've been flirting with me since
I came in. "Baby, let me fix your tie."

You sure are sending some mixed signals.

You want a clear signal? How's this?

- Ian.
- Susan.

What are you doing here?

Well, my cousin
is Dr. Hodge's dental hygienist.

Her husband couldn't join her,
since he'd come down with impetigo.

She called me, knowing how much
I love a good garter toss...


Yes, I'm such a terrible liar.

I mean, impetigo.
Where did that come from?


So, what are you really doing here?

Look, I can't stop thinking about us,

about how great we could be together.

- I think you're making a mistake.
- Ian...

Susan, please don't go.
Can't we at least talk about this?

I can't, 'cause I have bridesmaid stuff.

Hi there. I just wanted to say
you're doing a great job... Tad.

That's such a masculine name.

My boyfriend seems to like it.

OK, here's the drill.

My ex, I wanna piss him off,
so act like you're hot for me.

- There's a hundred-buck tip in it.
- Right. So, should I cup your boob?

No, I'll drive.

[Gabby laughs loudly]

Tequila. Straight. [sighs]

Hey, are there any decent
single women at this wedding?

Not that I've seen.

Damn it, not a one.

Hey, Carlos.
You should come over to our table.

That's where all the hotties are.

Hey, everyone. I'd say it is time
that we get Bree and Orson up here

for their first dance
as a married couple.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. and Mrs. Orson Hodge.

- [applause]
- [piano plays]

- Orson, you look so serious.
- I'm trying to remember my steps.

You're upset. You're still thinking
about what I said at the church.

Which part, darling? The "I do" part
or the "Did you kill your wife?" part?

I'm sorry, but I had to ask.

That's my point. You had to ask.

[up-tempo music]


You are gonna rot in hell for this.

Hey, I just brought
two lost souls together.

OK, how about this?
He cheated on my friend.

He deserves every bit of crazy
she's gonna rain down on him.

Hell, rot, you.

[slower music plays]

What are they doing?

Rounding second and heading for third.


- Carlos.
- Hey, Gabby. Look, I made a new friend.

I've been watching you make
your new friend, and it's disgusting.

- Do you mind? We're trying to dance.
- Who the hell are you, anyway?

And why the hell
are you at this wedding?

This is not gonna end well.

They're just two random people who met
at a wedding. They can't pin it on me.

It was her.

Lynette Scavo, I wanna talk to you.

I'll see you at home.

I didn't invite you here
to embarrass me in front of my friends.

You just wanted me to watch while you
suck the zits off some teenage waiter.

That's it. I take my invitation back.
You are no longer welcome in my house.

Fine. I'll go.
Just give me back the pearls.

- No!
- Gabby.

- Carlos, no.
- They were Mama's.

No! [gasps]

Now look what you've done.

- Mrs. Solis.
- No, Carlos. Give me those.

- Pardon me, excuse me.
- Get away. Those are mine.

- The hell they are.
- Mrs. Solis.

- Not now, Xiao Mei.
- Mrs. Solis!

For God's sakes, what?

- [Xiao Mei's water breaks]
- [crowd gasps]

I think maybe it's time.

And I wish you both
a lifetime of happiness.

- [applause]
- Wow.

That was beautiful, Aunt Fern.
Thank you.

Hey, they mopped up
all the amniotic fluid,

so we should feel safe
to start the conga line.

Actually, I'd like to say a few words.

Bree, Orson, your love
is an inspiration to us all.

That's very sweet.
How do you know him?

I thought he was on your side.

This is a second wedding for both
of you, and I think you're jolly brave.

So often people find excuses not to
fall in love again. They're afraid.

But it's rare to find somebody
that you connect with,

so you have to follow your heart.

Bree, Orson, I salute you.

Let's get the music cranking, and...

Actually, Tom,
could you just hang on a second?

I also would like to say a few words.
To Bree and Orson.

Yes, what could be better
than a second love?

And this time, you enter into it
a little older, a little wiser.

But also, and this is key,
with a bit of caution.

Because while love can be
spontaneous and wonderful,

it can also be selfish,

and sometimes the best thing
you can do is just to walk away.

Uh... not you two. I mean,
you two crazy kids are great.


- Well, then, let's...
- I'd like to respond to that toast.

Bree, Orson, sometimes walking away
can seem the best choice,

it's certainly the safest, but what do
you do when you find someone

who makes you feel joy
when you thought you never would again?

Do you just let them go?


No, I can't do that.

You wanna...?


I'm good.

All right, then, let's dance.

[band plays up-tempo music]

Well, I thought you might need
a change of clothes.

- Yeah, you're still mad at me, huh?
- What were you thinking?

- Setting Carlos up with that skank.
- I am sorry. I was desperate.

I had a little too much to drink.
And you are divorcing Carlos.

No, Lynette, Carlos will never be
fair game. You know the rules.

You're right.
You are right. You're right.

I'm so sorry.

It's just...


I'm so unhappy.

Ever since that woman
pushed her way into our lives,

I can't even work up a smile.

And the more she pushes,
the more I resent Tom.

Tom, for something he did
12 years ago.

And I'm afraid if I can't fix this

that the anger's
just gonna fester, until...

Lynette, listen to me.
You and Tom will survive this.

No, seriously, Gabby.
I am so tired of pretending to smile.

You and Tom will survive this.

Yeah? How can you be so sure?

Because some marriages
were built to last.

And some aren't.

Trust me, I know the difference.

- [chatter]
- [applause]

I'm looking for Bree Van de Kamp.

Could you excuse me for just a minute?

Orson, congratulations.

Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Van de Kamp?

It's Hodge now.

Yes, I'm terribly sorry
to barge in like this,

but we need your husband
to come down to the morgue.

We may have found his wife's body.

[groans loudly, then pants]

Push, Xiao Mei, push.

OK, OK. Deep breaths now.
We're getting close.

It's time.
I can't believe this is happening.

Honey, I'm gonna cry.

- Carlos, I am so sorry about the...
- Me too, me too.

- I was way out of line.
- I forgive you.

It's worth it when you experience
a moment as beautiful as this.


- OK, I can see the head now.
- Get the camera. Get the camera.

- Oh, my God.
- [baby cries]

Man, I gotta get
the color fixed on this thing.

What kind of half-assed fertility clinic
are you running?

Prior to implantation, your embryo
was switched with another client's.

So if we got theirs and they got ours,
then it's possible...

I'm afraid your embryo didn't take.

Again, on behalf of the clinic,
I am so sorry.

- It's rare, but things do happen.
- [Gabby] Excuse me.

You screw up our lives
and the best you can do is,

"That's the way the cookie crumbles"?

Why is this guy
writing down everything I say?

Mr. Darby, our attorney.
We thought it wise to have him present.

Know what else would've been wise?

Sticking the right baby
in the right belly.

Mrs. Solis, please...

- That's not Alma.
- [exhales deeply]

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely. Thank God.

Carolyn. What is she doing here?

You didn't honestly think
they'd take your word for it, did you?

It's not her.

Well, that's it, then.
Sorry for wasting your time.

This means nothing. I'm telling you,
that man is as guilty as sin.

We know what you think.
Now, would you please leave us alone?

He's a cold-blooded killer.

He's kind and decent, and nothing you
could say will make me doubt him again.

Now, please go.

- You deserve him.
- I hope to.

Darling, I am so sorry you had to
endure that. Are you all right?

I'm fine. Let's just go back to our
guests and forget this ever happened.

All right.

Tu me manques, Monique.



I feel so...

Me, too.

Well, you know what the good news is?

What's that?

Now that there's no baby,
it'll make the divorce a lot simpler.

Yeah, that's something.


See you at the mediator's.

See you then.

[Mary Alice] Have you met
the perfect couple?

The two soul mates
whose love never dies?

The two lovers
whose relationship is never threatened?

The husband and wife
who trust each other completely?

If you haven't met the perfect couple,

let me introduce you.

They stand atop
a layer of butter cream frosting.

The secret of their success?

Well, for starters,

they don't have to look at each other.