Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 14 - I Remember That - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously
on Desperate Housewives:

Ian's wife Jane passed away...

... Gabby made a new friend...

A friend friend, not a girlfriend.

The finger of guilt...

- I think it's a phone number.
- ... pointed toward Mike.

They tested my wrench and found
traces of this Monique's blood.

But he still couldn't remember.

Bree found a bag of evidence.

We have to do something.

Not until we put these
back in her house.



Orson had a night...

- What do you want?
- A grandchild.

... he'd soon rather forget.

- You raped my husband.
- I could be expecting right now.

Ah!

[Mary Alice] It'd been two months since
Mike Delfino awakened from his coma,

and the memories he had lost
were finally starting to return.

He could now recall the first time
he saw Wisteria Lane...

... and the first time he met
his new neighbors...

... and the first time he heard
Susan Mayer laugh.

[laughing]

But the memory he most wanted
to reclaim still eluded him.

That's why he had gone
to see a hypnotherapist,

so that he could finally
remember everything.



I thought you'd never get here.

I'm sorry. The traffic was terrible.

Oops! Sorry about that.

I called my landlord
when the pipe started leaking,

and he recommended you.

I was so flustered I couldn't find
a piece of paper.

I wrote your number on my hand.

After you finish the sink maybe
you could help me wash it off.

Look...

I'm flattered, but I'm seeing somebody.

Me too...

...but he's married and I'm drunk.

Your, uh, S trap is cracked.

I don't have one with me.
I'll have to go to the hardware store.

- Now? It's late.
- That water is gonna keep seeping,

cause a lot more damage.

- I'll be back in an hour.
- I'll be waiting.

Miss Poulier?

I, uh... got that part for the sink.

Hello?

What happened, Mike?

- God, I almost had it. I was so close.
- Close to what?

When I went back to Monique's place
somebody else was there.

- Who?
- I don't know. I couldn't see it.

[Mary Alice] Yes, there were still many
things Mike Delfino couldn't remember.

Then why are you smiling?

But he'd finally remembered
the most important thing of all...

'Cause now I know I didn't kill her.

[Mary Alice] It was 6:00 in the morning,

and Bree Hodge was faced
with a dilemma

familiar to countless housewives.

Should she wake her husband
to discuss recent events

that were weighing heavily
on her mind?

Or should she let him continue
to get the rest he needed?

Bree made the obvious choice.

I'm sorry, but you've been out cold
for ten hours and we need to talk.

I remember drinking the Scotch,

and then Alma suddenly sitting up.

But after that... nothing.

Oh, dear. I'm not sure
how to tell you this,

but after Alma knocked you out,

she assaulted you.

- Where?
- Sexually.

- She had sex with you.
- That's impossible.

Your drink was laced with pills
for... erectile dysfunction.

But I was dead to the world.

No, dear, you were dead to the waist.

I had sex with Alma
and I wasn't even conscious?

How reminiscent of our marriage.

OK, this is no joke.

She raped you and your mother helped.

After we dress
we're going to the police.

- I can't do that.
- Orson, I know you're embarrassed,

but what they did to you was a crime.

I can't go to the police.
Not now, not ever.

Orson! Your ex-wife
is a homicidal rapist,

and your mother is straight out
of I, Claudius.

Why do you refuse to deal with them?

I think it's time I told you about
the night Monique Poulier died.

- What do you think of this one?
- Pretty sexy.

Is sexy what you're going for
at the funeral of your boyfriend's wife?

You're right. I'll keep looking.

Why are you going?
Won't it be weird?

No, it'll be fine.
Ian wants me there.

Yeah, but it'll be all of Jane's
friends and family,

and you'll be the other woman
who swooped in...

OK, yes, it'll be weird,
but it's not about me.

This is about Jane and Ian.

What if I wear this one?

Then it'll be about Jane, Ian
and your boobs.

I have got to get
more depressing clothes.

OK, I just need to keep a low profile
through the memorial.

'Cause once I get through this,

Ian can officially introduce me
as his girlfriend,

and we'll finally be a normal,
non-adulterous couple.

- What does this one say to you?
- Modest, reserved,

and definitely not dating
the dead lady's husband.

Sold.

I'm not gonna get you towels
for your birthday.

Let's go to the jewelry department.

No, Zach. I only accept jewelry
from men I plan on sleeping with.

Well, OK, so where does that leave me?

You can buy me that toilet seat cover.

Fine. I... We're just friends.

Can I at least take you out
for a birthday dinner?

There will be no celebration.
I'm turning 31.

I'm a single woman in her thirties.

I now have to subscribe to Cat Fancy.

It's the law.

Age is just a number.
It doesn't mean anything.

It means something to me.

Being alone at this age, it's... hard,

and it's only gonna get harder.
I'm so depressed.

Let me buy you a car.

No thanks.

But I do need a liquid soap dispenser.

Go.

Hello.

Oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to disturb you.

I was just trying to see whether or not

this was a regular king
or a California king.

I think it's a regular.
California kings are much longer.

Is your wife particularly tall?

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm not married.

- Oh. Why don't you try it out?
- It's OK. I can wait until you get off.

That'll happen a lot faster
if you just hop on board.

I'm sorry?

It was a shameless sex joke.

I was flirting with you.

Oh! Right. [laughs]

- Sorry, I can be a little dense.
- [giggles]

- Can we start over?
- No. Moment's gone. You killed it.

You know, I'm in a bit of a hurry,

but maybe we can
try this again sometime.

- It could happen.
- Hey. Sorry it took so long.

- Mr. Young?
- Oh, you know my "friend" Zach?

No, I don't think so.

I'm Luke... Purdue.

I'm on your legal team. I'm taking point
on the Halverson deal.

Right. Hey.

Again, it was nice meeting you.

Sir.

That was really weird.

I don't even know the guy,
and he works for me.

Works for me, too.

- Bree...
- Please don't touch me.

All this time you've said
you wanted the truth.

That's before I knew what it was.

You see, that's why I've tried
to protect you from this.

Yeah, but you weren't just trying
to protect me, were you?

- What do you want me to do?
- Exonerate Mike.

How could you stand by
and let an innocent man

- be dragged off to prison?
- Think I haven't felt terrible?

After he'd been in a coma
because some lunatic ran him over.

He has had a rough year.
I want to help Mike.

How do I do that without
implicating myself? I could go to jail.

I don't care if you go to jail.

You have done a horrible thing
and you have to make it right.

I mean it, Orson.

If you don't fix this, I will.

Well, I guess I'm in
no position to argue.

No, you're not.

- Morning, Andrew.
- Hey, Orson.

I was just gonna ask if you guys
wanted some coffee.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I could use some.

It's gonna be a long day.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Thank you.

[ice cream truck music plays]

Mom!

Dinner is in an hour.
You know the rules.

And so do you.

I know, I know,
but he gave me the face.

You fell for the face.
What are you, a rookie?

OK, you're right. Sorry, buddy.
Mom's the boss.

I feel nothing.

Hi, Lynette. Hey, Tom.

How's the restaurant coming?
Ready for the big opening?

Oh, we're getting there.
Let me give you a coupon.

Free extra topping
on any medium or large.

How nice.

But you know what would be even nicer?

Hire my nephew to work for you.

You know, the coupon's good all week.

I don't know what lies
you've heard about Austin.

You can't be listening
to vicious gossip.

I heard he got arrested
for beating some guy up.

OK, that one's pretty accurate.

- Edie, I'm all staffed up.
- Oh, come on, help me out.

Seriously. Ever since Julie dumped him
he's been depressed and mopey.

He's driving me crazy. Please!
Any crappy job you got.

Well, I guess I could use
an extra guy in back.

Have him there tomorrow,
8:00 in the morning.

Thank you. Thank you so, so much.

Edie, you forgot your coupon.

Oh, Tom, please.

You've checked out my butt enough times
to know I don't eat pizza.

[doorbell rings]

Zach.

You said you wanted to be alone
for your birthday, but that's just dumb.

- So I'm gonna take you out.
- Oh, that's so sweet, but I...

Don't worry. It's gonna be one friend
keeping another friend company.

It's not gonna be a date.

Well, um, Luke's gonna be here
in 20 minutes,

and that kind of will be a date.

Luke? Uh...

- My lawyer guy?
- Yeah.

That isn't a problem, is it?

'Cause this is what friends do,
they talk about each other's dates.

No, I'm cool.

Have a great time.
Uh, I'm gonna get out of your hair.

So you think this guy's really into you?

Well, he seemed to like me
in the mattress department,

so here's hoping I like him in the
mattress department. [laughs]

What? Friends say these things.

[knocking on door]

Orson.

Oh, well, I'm in luck.

The whole coven is here.

I just stopped by to say thank you.

You're welcome.

I bought a pregnancy test,
but it's too soon to take it.

I wasn't talking about the sex,

though hats off, Mother,
for colluding in my rape.

I think it's great that we can
still surprise each other.

No, I was talking more about
what you did for me and Bree.

What did I do?

Your little stunt made her so angry
she demanded we go to the police.

She forced my hand.

- So I told her everything.
- Everything?

- Mm.
- That is rather unwise.

I faced my worst fear, the moment
I felt sure would end my marriage,

and guess what? It didn't.

- She forgave you?
- Not entirely.

Not yet. But she'll come around.

The good news is the months of dread,
the fear of discovery,

that's all over.

So thank you.

And goodbye.

Wait! I could be carrying your child.

I don't care if you've got
the Hodge septuplets in there.

I'm sticking with Bree.

Why must he make
everything so difficult?

Uh, floor's done.

I told you I wanted this floor
to sparkle like your mom's.

Now does this floor look
"Bree Hodge clean" to you?

Uh, no. Looks
"Andrew Van de Kamp clean."

But your disappointment in me
is very Bree Hodge.

OK, just for that, you get to
help me take out the trash.

I know you think I'm being a hardass,

but I'm just looking for a basic level
of professionalism.

Oh.

Austin? What the hell's going on here?

Just talking to the delivery guy.

Hey, where'd he go?

Are you high?

Only...

Totally.

- Austin!
- Dude, not smart.

But I have good reason,
and when you hear it

you're not gonna make
that face anymore.

Julie Mayer dumped me

and I'm very... very upset.

Your face is not changing.

Get your stuff, get the hell out
of my restaurant. You're fired. Go on.

The floor's looking
pretty clean right now, isn't it?

You said he'd come back to me.

You said deep down he still loves me.

You heard him today, he hates me.

You ravished him against his will.

He's bound to be touchy
in the short run.

I'll handle Orson,
you just worry about the baby.

He said he doesn't care.

He says that now,

but he will not abandon
his own flesh and blood.

You're his flesh and blood.
He put you in a home.

You know, I usually don't say this
to expectant mothers,

but for God's sake have a Scotch.

I should just call the police.

- What?
- I know what he did.

If he's never gonna love me,
why should I protect him?

I'd rather see him in jail than
playing house with Tammy Tight-ass.

Knock it off, Alma.

I will make Orson come around.

I don't believe you anymore.

She's got her claws in him
and she's not letting go.

Don't be so sure.

I was looking over at their house
last night,

and I saw something

very... curious.

What?

You can't see it down here.

We need to be up higher.

How can you see anything from here?
There's not even a window.

Gloria?

Gloria!

- [knocking on door]
- Just calm down, sweetheart.

- [AIma] Gloria, let me out!
- Stress isn't good for the baby.

What are you doing? Hey!

Gloria!

- [organ music plays]
- [indistinct chatter]

- So how are you holding up?
- Better, now that you're here.

Oh! No, I want to,
um, keep a low profile.

I've kissed a hundred lips today.

I assure you, it would look
more conspicuous if I didn't.

OK, that's enough.

Ian. Oh! You must be shattered.

- I know I am.
- Thanks for coming, Lynn.

Mm! [laughs] You know,
Jane used to kid me about you.

- Did she?
- She'd say, "Lynn,

if anything ever happens to me,
I want you to marry Ian.

You're pushy. Maybe you could
get him to pick up his socks."

Listen, um,
if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Why don't you stop over some night
for a home-cooked meal?

Oh, that's very kind of you, but
I wouldn't dream of putting you out.

Well, I won't take no for an answer.

Have you got my number?

I sure as hell do.

Well, I'm sure I'll find it
in Jane's phone book.

Let me give it to you, just in case.

Call any time.

Oops! Watch yourself.

So I was there on a plumbing job.

It makes complete sense.
I had no reason to want her dead.

I always thought hypnotherapy
was a bunch of bull, but damn.

This is huge, man.
You didn't kill anyone.

The murderer has to be
this yellow gloves guy.

Yeah, but no matter how much
I concentrate, I still can't see a face.

Ah, you will. Look at the progress
that you've made so far.

You're gonna find this guy,

and then you're gonna
hand his ass over to the cops.

Yeah. Something like that.

Hey, guys.

Well, Ian seems to be holding up.

It's just a mask.
The man is devastated.

Tomorrow night, I'm gonna swing
by his place to offer him a casserole

and a shoulder to cry on.

Will that shoulder be wearing
a spaghetti strap and Chanel No. 5?

You know me so well.

Oh! Look at him. Even in mourning
the man is scrumptious.

I'm sorry for eavesdropping,

but don't you think your conversation
is a little inappropriate?

I mean, we're here to grieve,
not cruise.

I'm sorry, and you are...?

Susan Mayer.

I'm... a friend of the family.

Then you know how lonely Ian's been.

And if I want to do something
about that,

it's no business of yours.

Look, just to save you
the embarrassment,

Ian's seeing someone.

Who?

I'm not at liberty to say.

Under the circumstances,
they'd prefer to keep it quiet.

I don't believe it. If there were
some bimbo in the picture,

I'd have heard about it.

As far as I'm concerned, he's free meat.

OK, it's me.

- What?
- I'm the bimbo. He's my meat.

All righty. I just wanted
to clear that up.

And now I'm going to go find myself
a seat with a better view.

Here are your W-4s.

Please sign them and get them
back to me as soon as possible.

Also, I'm gonna need a copy... Hi.

...of your driver's license.

- Austin?
- Yeah.

What are you doing here?
I fired you.

Well, Mr. Scavo gave me my job back.

Hey!

You hired him back? Did he tell you
he was stoned on the job?

Yeah, and he knows if he does it again
he is out of here.

Look, I don't know what kind of hustle
you pulled on him. It won't work on me.

- Lynette.
- No. I fired him.

And you are gonna stay fired.

Honey, can I see you
in the back for a sec?

What the hell are you doing, talking
to me like that in front of my staff?

Sorry, but you blindsided me out there.

No, I was the one blindsided.

You just went off on me without
hearing what my reasons were.

Let's hear them. What are your reasons
for bringing back Joe Bong-Hit?

If you drop that tone
and stop making that face.

What is...?

This was a business decision.

In case you hadn't noticed, and I hadn't
until the waitresses pointed it out,

Austin is hot.

He'll bring in every girl from Fairview
High and half the boys' chorus.

What's more,
Edie is gonna include our menu

in the welcome packet
she gives to new homeowners.

I'm not sure she'd feel so generous
if we fired her nephew.

- Those reasons working for you?
- Yeah.

I just wish you'd told me
before you rehired him.

I mean, I am the manager.

Right.

But I'm the boss.

Well, kinda.

No, no, not "kind of." Really.

I'm the boss.

You're pulling rank on me?

Look, at home, you get to be in charge.

You decide how we discipline the boys,
what car we buy... Everything.

I consult you.

Sure! And if you disagree,
you ignore me.

Look, when I go home, basically,
I check my balls at the door.

And that's fine. It works.

But for this to work,
when you walk through that door,

you gotta check yours.

OK.

Really?

Really. This place is your dream,

so... consider them checked.

Thanks. Now I need you to do
just one more thing.

Whatever you say, boss.

I don't care if you think
you know what's best.

You don't, I do,
because I'm the boss,

- and what I say goes.
- [whispers] That's it. Give it to me.

So when I make a decision it stays made,
you got that, Lynette?

- Yes, sir. [whispers] Enough.
- [whispers] Just one more.

And if I want your opinion,
I'll ask for it!

But I probably won't,

because I'm the boss.
Are we clear?

[whispers] Stop or I will hurt you.

OK, I made my point.

Anybody needs me, I'll be in the back,
drinking a beer.

Mm. This is delicious.

Don't get too full. You have
to leave room for dessert.

Oh? What are we having?

Well, let's just say
it's going to be served upstairs

and involves whipped cream.

Is it pudding?

No.

Oh. You're flirting.
Do it again, I swear I'll get it.

[laughs] That's OK.
Do you want some coffee?

You bet I want coffee.

Nice and hot and...

Just finish your soup
and we'll get naked.

[knocking on door]

Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Solis.
I work with Luke. Is he available?

Charles? What are you doing here?

You forgot to initial some pages
on the Halverson contract.

- Can't this wait?
- Market's already open in Tokyo.

Go ahead. I'm gonna open
some more wine.

Mr. Young wants to make sure
you understand that last part.

Do you?

Yeah.

I get it.

So when we think of Jane,

let us remember her kind heart

and her loving spirit.

And now, if there's someone
who'd like to share

a special memory of our dear friend...

I would.

Hi, I'm Lynn Dean.

Jane and I were sorority sisters.

If she were here, she'd make me
sing our pledge song,

but I think there's already been
enough grief for one day.

[laughter]

Now, I know how badly
we've all felt for Ian

during his long, lonely vigil.

So I'm sure you'll be as happy
as I was to learn

his vigil
wasn't quite so lonely after all.

Oh, dear God.

No, he found a warm, caring woman

to share his burden...

...and so much else.

Some people might find the fact
that she's here today inappropriate,

but I think she's a hero.

She dared to brave the scorn

of those who might
find her actions questionable

or even unsavory.

[laughing] Oh,
I was gonna ask her to stand,

but I see she already has.

Susan Mayer, say hello.

Hey.

Wow.

Guess someone's in a hurry
to get on with the evening.

Yeah. [laughs]

Well, I should go.

- What?
- I have a lot more work to do

on that Halverson deal.

- Sorry.
- But can't it wait till after dessert?

And by dessert I mean sex.

- You are clear on that, right?
- Painfully.

My job's at stake here. I really
don't have much of a choice.

I think you've got lots of choices.

Here's one of 'em.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- What do you think you're doing?

- What?
- I gave you an order

and I expect you to follow it.
Now get out of there.

I'm trying, sir.
I'm meeting some resistance

to the plan we've agreed on.

OK, she's not letting you leave?
That's fine.

Here's what I want you to say.

Uh-huh.

OK, I'll give it a shot, sir.

- Is that your office?
- Yeah, they, uh...

They really need me over there.

OK. So... come back
when you're done. I'll wait up.

I can't. No, I really can't.

What is with you?

An hour ago you were really into me,

and now you can't get out fast enough!

OK. Truth?

I thought I could do this, but I can't.

I'm just not attracted to you.

- Of course you are!
- No, see...

I really only date women
in their twenties.

- What?
- Sorry.

You're too old for me.

[both grunting]

I still got a lot of kick
for an old broad, don't I?

- [Bree gasps, screams]
- [crashing]

Mom?

Mom! Mom, are you all right?

Don't move her. She might have
broken something.

Yes, we need an ambulance, please,
at 4354 Wisteria Lane.

My wife's had a bad fall. Please hurry.

What the hell is this?

Mrs. Hodge was very lucky.
She only suffered a slight concussion.

If you have any more questions
the doctor should be back soon.

Thank you.

Thank God, I was so worried.

Yeah, I'll bet.

What's that supposed to mean?

I heard you two yesterday. All that
stuff about you maybe going to jail.

That's none of your business,

but if you think I had anything to do
with Bree falling...

I'm not stupid. I know the cops have
been all over you about that dead woman.

And Mom said for you to fix it
or she would.

Is this accident how you fixed it?

- You're upset, I get it...
- No, no, you don't get it.

There's a reason my mom
put me out on the street.

You've never met that guy.
You've never met Bad Andrew.

But hurt my mom, and you will.

I love your mother.

I'm gonna do everything I can
to protect her.

Yeah, so am I.

Hi, I'm Bree Hodge's son.

You see that guy right there?
That's her husband.

Do not, under any circumstances,
let him be alone with her.

- Why?
- Because it's his fault she's in here.

He's a dangerous guy. I've warned you.
Anything happens to her, you're liable.

Good night, Dad.

[footsteps approaching]

Oh, you're home.

- Thought you're still out on your date.
- Date's over. What do you want?

I thought since I can't take you out for
your birthday, I'd leave you a present.

Don't worry, it's not expensive.

Aw, Zach!

So how'd your date go?

- Is he crazy? You're not old.
- Hm.

You did not see the look on his face
when I tried to kiss him.

It was like he was sniffing
expired milk.

That's ridiculous. You're gorgeous.

And you're just gonna get prettier
every year.

That's so sweet... but it's a lie.

Every tick of the clock
takes away something.

Zach, what am I gonna do
when I'm not pretty anymore?

It's never gonna happen.

I'm gonna take a little nap, OK?
Just for a minute.

Take as long as you'd like.

Susan, I've looked everywhere for you.

I didn't think to start with the, um...

...embalming room.

Yeah, I'll be having night terrors
from now on...

...which I deserve.

Look, no one is judging you.

If anything, they're judging
that dreadful Lynn.

I should be thanking you
for driving her away.

Usually takes a crucifix
and some garlic.

I'm so sorry I ruined Jane's funeral.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

- It's just...
- What?

I thought after we got through
this really painful day,

things would start to get better.

I thought I could be more
a part of your world.

Now all your friends and family
are just gonna think of me

as the crazy lady from Jane's funeral.

[sobbing] Oh, God. Oh, Ian... OK.

This is not supposed to be about me.

You should be upstairs...

...to say goodbye. [sighs]

I'm just gonna hide out here with
the departed until everybody leaves.

No.

No more hiding.
We've been doing it far too long.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You helped me through
the most difficult part of my life.

I love you. I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

I want to marry you.

Ian, are you proposing to me?

Well... I guess, maybe, I...

- I am.
- Whoa!

Before you say another word...

...take a look around.

Oh. Right.

I hadn't really thought a lot
about this moment,

but when I did... the table we were at
didn't have a blood gutter.

Then may I reopen the subject
at a more opportune time and place?

Yes.

I accept your proposal to propose.

Shall we?

Now I want you to dig deep.

If you feel your memory blocked,

just count to three
and the block will melt away.

It is natural and easy for you
to recall anything.

Now remember Monique Poulier.

Remember the night you met her...

Miss Poulier?

I've, uh... got that part for the sink.

Hello?

Sorry.
Monique's upstairs taking a nap.

She wasn't feeling well.

Mike? Did you see something?

I'm her boyfriend. I, uh...
[clears throat]

...figured she'd want to wake up
to a clean kitchen.

Well, I'll just finish up with the sink
and be out of your hair.

Uh, why don't you let me
take care of the sink?

I mean, I'm pretty handy
and it's getting late.

Oh. I don't mind staying.

No, look, it's OK.
I got it under control.

Here. This should cover what we owe you.

Tell Miss Poulier
I hope she feels better.

Will do.

Oh, hey.

Don't forget your wrench.

Mike, where are you going?

Mike!

Hey, Mr. Delfino.

I need to, uh, talk to your stepdad.

Orson's not here. He went
to the hospital with my mom.

She's fine. Thanks for asking.

Mr. Hodge...

Your wife's just sleeping.

I suggest you go home and do the same.

I will.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's...

There was a time
when we were all so happy.

I just can't seem
to remember it anymore.

[Mary Alice] Recapturing the past
is a tricky business.

While most memories are simply
souvenirs of a happier time...

Hey there.

[Mary Alice]... others
can be quite deadly.

Hey, Mike. What brings you
to the hospital?

I've been seeing a hypnotherapist.

She's helping me fill the gaps
in my memory.

How's it going?

It's working.

[car alarms blaring]

[grunting]

Oh! Oh!