Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 13 - Come Play Wiz Me - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously
on Desperate Housewives:

While Ian's wife Jane was in a coma...

- Do we have a deal?
- ... Susan got an ultimatum.

He's not crazy about me
spending time with my ex.

- Mike's new hero...
- I owe you one.

After those mutts knocked you around,
your boy paid them off.

... had a secret agenda.

- Gabrielle.
- Gabrielle learned the identity...

I'm rich.
I can give you anything you want.

- ... of her secret admirer.
- Tell me everything.

And Orson's mother
shared some family secrets



that Bree would later discover.

If there was one thing Orson Hodge
understood, it was teeth.

That's why people
stopped him at barbecues...

... during cocktail parties,

and in the occasional men's room.

Yes, when it came to teeth,

people expected Dr. Hodge
to have all the answers.

Sadly for Orson,
this was not always the case.

Well, it does look a little fishy.

Fishy? It couldn't be more obvious.

Alma killed Monique.
That's why she disappeared.

She pulled the teeth so people
would suspect her husband.

Why would she keep them?

She was probably gonna
plant them in our house.



Well, we've saved her the trouble,
haven't we? Is it a full set?

Orson, not on the duvet.

- Oh! They won't stain.
- I don't care.

I am not sleeping in a bed that had
your dead mistress's teeth in it.

- Let's just take them to the police.
- And say what?

We can't prove these came from Alma's.
She'll deny ever having seen them.

- And I'm the one they suspect.
- We have to do something.

I agree, but not until
we put these back in her house.

And then we'll call the police.

Trust me. She'll never get away with it.

Hmm!

Hello. You've been
very naughty, haven't you?

Orson? Is that you?

I know what you and Alma are up to,
and it's gonna stop.

[Mary Alice] Yes,
Orson was an expert on teeth.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do.

[Mary Alice] That's how he could tell
when people were lying through them.

[Mary Alice] It can happen so quickly.

In the moment it takes a gunman's bullet
to enter his victim's leg.

In the time it takes to tell a wife
her husband won't be home for dinner.

In the instant it takes a father
to meet his son for the very first time.

Yes, life as we know it can change...

- [beeping]
- ... in a heartbeat.

- Jane's still running a fever?
- Yes.

And she hasn't responded
to any of the meds that we've tried.

- You think we should call her husband?
- Not just yet.

Let's try vancomycin.
It worked for her before.

I don't want Ian to worry.

This is your new lawyer, Alan Marcus.
Alan, this is Mike Delfino.

Hey. Sorry I couldn't
start on your case sooner.

I was wrapping up
an armed robbery trial.

It's nice to finally meet you.

And you must be Ian.

I can't thank you enough
for helping me out here.

Susan and I are happy
to be of assistance.

- So should we get started?
- Sure.

So I've had a chance
to review all the evidence against you,

and I've got a strategy
to ensure your case never goes to trial.

Don't you love this guy?
What's the strategy?

Pleading guilty?
What kind of strategy is that?

- He'd be pleading to manslaughter.
- It's ten years in prison.

Better than life, which Mike's risking
if he goes to trial.

With good behavior,
he could be out in five.

With a better lawyer,
he could be out in zero.

We need a lawyer
who believes he's innocent.

The evidence is compelling. Your
feelings for him cloud your judgment.

My feelings for him?
Are we gonna do this again?

Every conversation we have
winds up being about Mike.

"Who's the best lawyer?
How can we get Mike off?"

I have told you I love you
a thousand times.

Where is all this jealousy coming from?

Do you know what?
I have to catch that plane to Montreal.

What? No, Ian.
We have to talk about this.

I can't be late. It's business.

Look, I have provided Mike
with the best lawyer I know.

If you want to get someone else,
then you're on your own.

What ya doing?

Oh, deciding what to wear
on my first day back to work.

- Do I look fat in this?
- I think you look good in everything.

- Wow. Your father's taught you well.
- What about the street fair?

If you're going to work,
who's gonna take me?

- Mrs. McCluskey. Won't that be fun?
- No.

- Do you have to go back to work?
- Come on.

You and your brothers'll be thrilled.

Don't you get tired of me yelling at you

to clean up your room
and finish your homework?

Yeah, but you've been a lot nicer
since you got shot.

Oh. Well, that's good to know.

When you think about it, me going
back to work is not that big a deal.

We're only losing a little time
in the afternoon.

But every hour counts.
I miss you all day long.

Oh, honey. Jeez.

Do you really mean that
or are you manipulating Mommy

into feeling incredibly guilty?

A little bit of both.

Yep. Your father's taught you well.

[band plays anthem]

- The suspense is killing me.
- Shh. Here it comes.

And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for,

the winner of this year's
Little Miss Snowflake Pageant is:

- Sherri Maltby.
- [cheering]

God, I'm in shock. I knew she had a shot
at the top five, but to actually win?

I was sure she'd lose to that blonde
bitch who sang that patriotic medley.

I know. She practically had sparklers
coming out of her ass.

[giggles] Totally shameless.

Let's go meet those reporters.
What are you gonna tell 'em?

- I owe it all to Beauty by Vern.
- Attagirl.

- Oh. Zach, what are you doing here?
- I came to support you.

Oh. Why don't you support me from the
lobby? I have some networking to do.

- My girl just won the pageant.
- Yeah, I know. And you're welcome.

- What did you do?
- I paid the judges in cash.

- There's no paper trail.
- You bribed the judges?

Why are we fighting?
We should be celebrating.

I got a limo outside, a bottle
of chilled Cristal. Let's party.

Listen, you pimply psychopath.
You and I are never going to "party."

The only reason we're ever gonna be
in the same room again

is if you strangle a cheerleader
and I wind up on the jury.

- God, I love it when we banter.
- Oh!

[Orson] Hello, Alma.

- Orson.
- I let myself in.

- I hope you don't mind.
- Not at all.

- You seem very cheerful.
- I am.

Because the game's over, and you lost.

I told you what I'd do
if you pushed me away.

Well, I'm afraid that threat
no longer has any teeth in it.

Yes, your mother told me
about Bree's little discovery.

What'd you do with Monique's teeth?

Maybe I threw them away.
Maybe I hid them here.

You might find them,
if the police don't find them first.

- You won't bring the police into this.
- Well, neither will you, now.

We're done. Why don't you do us
all a favor and go away?

- You shouldn't treat me this way.
- Don't bother crying.

Tears might've worked when we
were married, after you lost the baby.

- They won't work now.
- We should have kept trying.

If we'd had a child,
we'd still be together.

I know. That's why I stopped trying.

Goodbye, Alma.

Well, here's some sucky news.
Ken just quit.

Your new manager? No.

Yeah. So I'm gonna have
to drop out of the street fair.

Tom, no, you can't, you can't.
The pizzeria opens in a week.

That street fair is the best
advertising we're gonna get.

I know, but I can't work it alone.

Well, you know, hire someone else.

There's no time for that.

The future of the restaurant
is at stake. It is time to get creative.

Well, I do have one option.
But it would require some sacrifice.

- Well, whatever it is gonna take.
- You could help me.

What? No. Uh-uh. Look, I'm wearing
makeup. I am holding a briefcase.

- What does this suggest to you?
- You could call in sick.

I can't call in sick
after eight weeks of sick leave.

Especially when I've been fine
for three of them.

- [horn honks]
- Oh. Crap. That's Ed.

Lynette, please. You're the one
who said that we need the street fair.

My boss is waiting for me
outside in his car.

- What am I supposed to do?
- It's time to get creative.

- [door opens]
- Oh. There she is.

Hey, guys.

Boy, didn't expect you
to still be wearing a sling.

Yeah, it heals a little slower
when the bullet's still in there.

- Oh. They couldn't get it out?
- No, it's too close.

To what?

- Everything.
- God, I'm so sorry.

Um... [laughs]

- You've got a little cereal right...
- Cereal? I didn't have any, uh...

Oh, I know what that is.

I get nauseous from the pain,
so that's just a little residual vomit.

- You sure you're ready to come back?
- Yeah, don't be silly. I'm fine.

Come on, let's go sell some toothpaste.

Alrighty, let's go.

- Ow! Son of a bitch!
- I'm sorry!

- Don't touch me.
- Anything we can do?

My pills! My pain pills.
They're in my bag.

Oh! Oh, my pills!

I need my pills
and now they're all dirty. [sobbing]

See you next week.
Thanks for understanding.

Hey, looks like an interesting book.
What's it about?

- Never mind. I'll wait for the movie.
- What's eating you?

Those two guys you saved me from?
I know you paid them to attack me.

That's a lie. Aah!

- Hey!
- You wanna reconsider that?

OK, OK. I needed a favor
and I wanted you to owe me.

What favor?

- You sure you wanna get into this now?
- Yeah.

OK. You remember my son, Zach?

Vaguely. Why?

Turns out you and I
share more than a cell block.

Hello, Bree. May I come in?

What's a garden without a snake?

I realize I'm not your favorite person,

but I thought you should know
why Alma's moved here.

She wants Orson back.

Thanks for the heads-up. Now off you go.

Orson and I may have our spats,

but I'm still deeply concerned
about the state of his soul.

- Adultery is a sin.
- I wouldn't worry about Orson's soul.

He won't be sleeping with Alma.

When I said adultery,
I wasn't referring to Orson and Alma.

I meant Orson and you.

- Excuse me?
- Our church doesn't accept divorce.

In the eyes of God,
you're the other woman.

I'm sure you don't see it that way,
but Alma and I do.

And Orson's beginning to.

- Are those shoes suede?
- Yes. Why?

Oh!

No reason.

Why the hell didn't
anybody tell me I had a son?

You'd just come out of a coma.
Figured you had enough on your plate.

- Why are you telling me now?
- Zach and I haven't spoken in months.

Every time I try to contact him,
he won't return the calls.

I don't know what you expect me to do.
I barely remember the kid.

Yes, but he remembers you. I think if
you reach out to him, he'll talk to you.

Zach is all I have left in the world.

Through everything that's happened,
I've never stopped loving him.

Can you please get him
to come down here and see me?

That's one hell of a favor.

Man, you have some nerve.

I know. It's kinda what got me in here.

- [Susan] Is it Gabby's birthday?
- No.

- They're probably from Zach Young.
- What?

You haven't heard? He has been
begging Gabby to go on a date with him.

He's been sending her all sorts of stuff
to bribe her, even a diamond bracelet.

Zach Young? Our Zach Young?
How does he afford diamonds?

His grandfather left him all that money.

- I thought he couldn't touch it.
- Until he turned 18, a month ago.

Wow.

So Zach Young is loaded, huh?

- No. Absolutely not.
- Come on. Mike needs a great lawyer.

- Zach can afford a great lawyer.
- I don't care.

- I'm not going out with Zach Young.
- It's one little date.

You wouldn't let
your own daughter go out with him.

- You said he was a psycho.
- He's matured.

To the tune of a billion dollars.
Please do this, for Mike.

Do you know what your obsession
with Mike has cost you?

First you piss off Bree, and then Ian.

Now you're pimping me out
to a teenager.

OK, I deserve the pimping remark.

But let's not pretend that, you know,
we're above teenagers.

Gabby, you're all I've got.

- Oh! Fine. I'll do it.
- Thank you.

This is a noble thing you're doing.

How can you be so sure
Zach's gonna go along with this?

[sighs] Because he's a great kid.
And he's gonna wanna help Mike.

And you're not gonna be
wearing a bra when you ask him out.

[band playing rock]

[band stops]

Can you guys just take five, please?
Gabrielle, what are you doing here?

Wow. You have your own
recording studio in your house?

I needed a place
to lay some tracks with my band.

You see that guy? He used to tour
with the Doobie Brothers.

[laughs] How wild is that?

[laughs] Not as wild
as what I'm about to say.

- You can take me to dinner.
- Seriously? Awesome.

Yeah. Here's how it's gonna work.

We drive to the restaurant separately,
we will not have dessert,

and under no circumstances
will you touch me. Capisce?

Um...

- OK.
- Great.

In order for this magical night
to occur, you need to help Mike Delfino.

Mike? What happened?

He's in jail, for murder.
But Susan swears he's innocent.

She wants you to get him a good lawyer.
All right. We have a deal?

No.

- No?
- Oh, I would love to help Mike.

It's just that if I'm paying
for a lawyer, you know,

I would like to have
more than just one meal with you.

- I'd like to have a whole day.
- A whole day?

Yeah. Here's how it's gonna work.

Uh, there's gonna be three meals,
with dessert,

activities of my choosing,
and, uh, a good-night kiss.

- Now do we have a deal?
- Not quite.

The day starts with lunch,
and that kiss, off the table.

Did they set bail for Mike? You know,
'cause I could throw that in, too.

- One million dollars.
- It's no biggie.

One call to my accountant
and Mike's a free man.

Or do you wanna tell Susan
Mike's gonna stay in jail

because you wouldn't kiss me?

OK, deal, you little skunk.

Here, come back for seconds.

- Our famous pepperoni pizza.
- Here's another bacon.

Great. Guess what? Our line is
the biggest one at the fair. I counted.

[chuckles] You know what
I'm starting to think?

This restaurant
is gonna be a big, fat hit.

There you go.

Can I talk to you about something?

I think you hurt Lynette's feelings

when you refused to go
to the street fair with her.

She's gonna think you don't like her.
You don't want that, do you?

[doorbell rings]

Doorbell.

Some of them should be left
on a hillside to rot.

Hi. I'm Ed Ferrara, Lynette's boss.
Is she around?

Well, actually,
she's at the, uh, doctor's.

Oh. Yeah. Well, could you give her this?

- Sure.
- And tell her to get well.

She doesn't need to come back
to work till she's good and ready.

- I will make sure she gets this.
- OK.

Excuse me, mister?

I just wanted to tell you
our babysitter gets mixed up sometimes.

- Lynette's not at the doctor's.
- She's not?

- Nope.
- Well, where is she?

Excuse me. Hey.

- Try some of that. Hey.
- Load me up again.

I'm gonna poach some customers
from that sausage-on-a-stick guy.

Oh! I love it when you're ruthless.

Scavo's Pizzeria!

Try the smoked chicken
and sun-dried tomato.

Oh! This crust is fantastic.

It's cornmeal. That's the secret.
[laughs]

It's not your only secret,
is it, Lynette?

- Hi, Ed.
- How's the arm?

Uh...

Uh, on the mend. I'm gonna be there
bright and early Monday morning.

Don't bother. You're fired.

Wait, Ed. Ed, please don't go.

I lied, and that was wrong,
but my husband needed my help.

I need your help.
You've been gone eight weeks, with pay,

while the company's been falling apart.
Now you pull this on me?

Really wrong, but if you take me back,

I swear, I'll give you
a hundred percent.

So if we have to work late,
you're gonna do it.

If I ask you to miss
your kid's baseball game,

you're gonna say, "No problem, Ed?"

- You got it, Ed.
- Good. I'll see you Monday.

Hi, it's me. Listen, we have to talk.

Ian, I'm sorry too.
We gotta stop fighting like this.

Susan, Jane's doctor called me.
She's taken a bad turn.

Oh. Ian...

I'm on the next flight, but it's not for
a few hours. Jane's parents are in Rome.

Would you go to the hospital for me?

- The hospital?
- I know it's a lot to ask.

But if something should happen,
well, I don't want her to be alone.

[Gabby laughing]

Oh, I'm stuffed. I can't believe
you talked me into that creme brul?e.

Oh. Don't feel guilty.
We burned it off on the dance floor.

I know. You're such a good dancer.
Where'd you learn how to salsa?

I've been taking lessons.
I knew it was your favorite.

- When did I say that?
- Cosmo, '98.

I knew you liked that Merlot from Vogue.

You researched me? That's sweet.

In a stalkery kind of way.

Thanks again for a
surprisingly enjoyable night.

- See you around.
- Uh... Gabby.

Oh, right, the kiss.

Sorry. Didn't mean to welsh on you.

All right, pucker up.

[Gabby squeals]

- Uh!
- Ah! Ow.

- What the hell are you doing?
- You said I could kiss you.

Yes! My lips, not my esophagus.

I've been told
I'm a very good kisser, all right?

By who? The same girl that taught you to
use your tongue like a windshield wiper?

By women with lots of experience. Every
single one said I was a great kisser.

How much did you pay them to say that?

No!

- You've paid women for...
- It's none of your business, all right?

You just vacuumed my tonsils. I deserve
to know where that mouth has been.

You know what? I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Zach. Zach, I'm not mad. OK?

I'm just a little grossed out,
that's all.

You heard me, all right? Read my lips.
Just go, all right? Go!

- You've got no right to be here.
- All right.

What, another one?
You organ-donor people are vultures.

Um, no, actually, I'm a friend of Ian's.
He asked me to come, for Jane.

[stammers] You're the girlfriend.
All right. That's OK, then. Come on in.

So, Erica, you were fighting
with that guy when I came in.

Have you had a lot of those
organ-donor people around today?

Oh, that wasn't about that.
No, that was Ted.

What, Ian never told you
about Jane and Ted?

No. What about them?

Nothing. Forget I mentioned it.
It is not my place.

- What?
- They had an affair.

Jane cheated on Ian? When was this?

I hate to dish my best friend
on her deathbed.

But gossip was the foundation
of our relationship, so...

It was five years ago.

Ian was traveling a lot on business,
Jane was lonely, and along came Ted.

I'm just stunned.
So, I guess, they worked it out, right?

Well, Ian took her back.

But if you're asking, did he ever
trust her again? I don't think so.

Poor Ian.

You don't know the half of it.

I mean, to be betrayed
by somebody you love that much,

[sighs] you're just never the same.

[door opens]

Hey. What are you doing here?

Um, word on the street is
you're looking for a manager.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Here's my application.

- I thought Ed took you back.
- He did.

- I told him I wasn't interested.
- What?

- You're quitting?
- I had so much fun at the fair today.

Working with you
on something that was all ours.

- I want every day to be like that.
- Honey, so do I.

Are you sure? Your career's
always meant so much to you.

When I got shot, lying there bleeding,
I wasn't thinking,

"God, I'm really gonna
miss advertising."

I think this could be the best thing
that's ever happened to our family.

We can make our own hours.
We'll be together more.

And, yes,
the money's gonna be a little tight,

but I think this place
could be a gold mine.

In that case, you're hired.

You do, of course, realize
you have to sleep with the boss.

I can do that.

- [giggles]
- OK.

Whoa. It's a little soon
to be gunning for a promotion.

[Orson sighs]

- Your mother not home yet?
- I haven't seen her.

[phone rings]

Hello?

What is it now?

Alma did what?
No, no. I'll be right over.

Wait, wait. What... What did Alma do?

I just thank the Lord
I got here when I did.

Why didn't you call an ambulance?

I thought it best for all concerned
to keep this quiet.

By the way, she left a note.

She only did this to upset me.

She knows my history.
She knows exactly what buttons to push.

Orson, calm down. Here.

Our marriage is over. I will not
submit to emotional blackmail.

Are you all right?

I feel dizzy. [grunts]

Then, perhaps, you should just sit.

My God.

Did you poison me?

And kill my only child?

You see how he talks to me?

It's my fault. I upset him.

Sorry about all this.
I just needed to get your attention.

Why? What do you want?

What every mother wants, dear.

A grandchild.

[grunts]

Ah!

Well, why don't I
give you two some privacy?

Thank you, Mother Hodge.

You mustn't struggle.

I want this baby to be born of love.

I've been injecting myself with hormones

to improve our chances.

You wait and see.
This is gonna fix everything.

- You're crazy.
- Crazy for you, mister.

I won't. You can't make me.

Yes, I can.

That drink had two kinds of pills in it.

One to put you to sleep,

and one to keep
the part of you I need nice and perky.

Now, how about a little music?

[Let's Misbehave]

The doctor said her blood pressure's
dropping. She could go any time.

I gotta go call her parents.

[phone rings]

- Hi.
- It's me. We just took off.

I'll be there in about six hours.

Sweetie, I don't think
she's gonna make it that long.

- [sighs] Don't tell me that.
- You've done everything you could.

She knows that you love her.

Well, it's just,
there's things I've got to say to her.

I've carried so much anger about
something that doesn't mean anything.

I need her to know that.

I'm gonna put the phone
up to Jane's ear,

and you can tell her
whatever you need to, OK?

OK.

Hello, Jane, darling. It's Ian.

I never imagined I'd have to
say goodbye to you like this.

There's so much I want to say.

You play that pretty well.

What are you doing here?

I had a good time tonight.

- But I hated the way it ended.
- Yeah, me, too.

Gabby, about those women...

Forget about it. Give a horny kid
a couple of million bucks

and the Yellow Pages,
and stuff is gonna happen.

It's not just them.
I'm paying everyone that I know.

Those guys in my band,
they're not my friends.

I'm hiring them to hang out with me.

So stop doing it. Stop buying people.

Yeah, right.
And then I'd have no one at all.

That's not true.

You'd have me.

As a friend.
A friend friend, not a girlfriend.

I really cannot overstress that.

Come on.

Why would you wanna be my friend?
We have zero in common.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because
I think we're both adrift.

It'd just be nice to have a pal
who gets what I'm going through.

Why don't you play me
something you wrote?

Yeah? Can I sing, too?

- Sure. Why not?
- All right.

Gabby, sweet Gabby...

Whoa. Why don't you just hum it, OK?

[laughter on TV]

Hi.

Sorry, my book club ran late.

- Didn't Orson make you dinner?
- Oh, no. He's been over at Alma's.

He's been there for a few hours.

- [gasps]
- What the hell is this?

Oh, Bree, I'm so sorry
you had to find out this way.

Not as sorry as you are gonna be.
Orson, get up!

Leave him alone.
He wants to be with me.

I have caught you cheating.
At least have the courtesy to wake up.

For God's sakes!

Oh! Ah!

Orson. Orson.

- What have you done to him?
- Nothing.

You know men. The minute it's over,
wham, off to dreamland.

He's not sleeping. He's out cold.

I knew it. These are sleeping pills,
and these are...

Oh, my God.

You raped my husband.

We made love. And when our baby's born,
he's gonna come back to me.

- Baby?
- It's true.

- I could be expecting right now.
- Were you expecting this?

Oh!

Andrew, I need you
to come over here right away, and, um...

...bring the wheelbarrow.

Hi.

Do... Do you remember me?

No. No, not really.

But I know who you are.

OK, good.

What you did, I'm, um...
really grateful.

It's cool.

So if you need anything else,
I guess, just let me know.

Well, I do need something.
But it's not for me.

So how are you doing?
You look terrific. Really mature.

Your mother would be proud.

Thanks.

I've, uh, really missed you a lot.

And I'm sorry for... for everything.

I hope you can forgive me.
I want us to be friends.

And that's the only reason
you wanted to see me, right?

So we could be friends?

- Yes.
- OK.

That's great. That's fine.

[sighs]

- Well, there is one other thing.
- Oh, yeah?

It's just, Felicia Tillman faked
her death. She's still out there.

You and I, we both know that.

If you gave or lent me some money,
I could hire someone to track her down.

Then I could get out of here, and you
and I could pick up where we left off.

OK.

You asked me how I was doing.
I'm actually doing great.

I've got the hottest, most amazing
girlfriend in the entire world,

and I am gonna marry that woman.

I'm gonna buy her everything she wants.

So I have got to learn to say no
when people ask me for money.

I've got a future wife to think about.

She's got really expensive taste.

I mean,
I do forgive you, though... Paul.

[Mike] Hey, Susan.

- Hey. You're back.
- Yeah, Zach Young posted my bail.

But I'm guessing
you had something to do with it.

Maybe a little.

Is there any way that I can thank you
for everything you've done?

- Actually, yeah, there is.
- Good, good. Just tell me.

I can't see you any more.

I want you to understand, it doesn't
have anything to do with you. It's...

It's OK. I think I get it.

Well, I, uh... I should probably go.

Bye. Good luck with everything.

Good luck to you and Ian.

[Mary Alice] Yes,
it can happen so quickly.

Life as we know it
can change in the blink of an eye.

Unlikely friendships can blossom.

Important careers can be tossed aside.

A long lost hope can be rekindled.

Still, we should be grateful
for whatever changes life throws at us.

Because all too soon,
the day will come...

... when there are no changes left.