Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Little Things You Do Together - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously
on Desperate Housewives:

The Scavos prepared for a grand opening.

This could be the best thing
that's ever happened to our family.

While Gabrielle
had a few too many drinks.

I'm gonna take a little nap, OK?

And a cry for help
made Orson lose his cool.

Suicide is the worst thing
that can happen to a family!

- Mike got arrested.
- Oh, thank God.

And a friendship hit the rocks.

- For the sake of our friendship...
- Our friendship is over.

Orson's mom was determined...



In the eyes of God,
you're the other woman.

... to bring Alma and Orson
back together.

[Bree] She raped you,
and your mother helped.

I think it's time I told you
about the night Monique died.

Alma became a prisoner.

Gloria?

- Bree was set up to take a fall.
- Mom?

And Mike was finally able
to remember the past.

[Mary Alice] Orson Hodge had always
assumed that the moment before he died,

his entire life would flash
before his eyes.

But as he fell from the roof
of the Fairview Memorial Hospital,

it wasn't his life he saw.

It was one night in particular.

Monique.



I have wonderful news.
Bonnes nouvelles.

Monique.

There's been an accident.

Oh, my God.

- What have you done?
- It was self-defense.

I came to tell her to stay away
from you. She attacked me.

Mother... she's dead.

I know.

And I'm sorry.
But what's done is done.

- What are you doing?
- Calling the police.

- I'll go to jail.
- You killed someone.

I'm your mother. You've got to help me.

But I loved her.

I once lost someone I loved,
thanks to you.

You owe me.

- [knock on door]
- [Mike] Hello?

Ms. Polier?

I've got that part for the sink.

Hello?

Ms. Polier?

I'm sorry. I'm Monique's boyfriend.

She's upstairs lying down.
She wasn't feeling well.

I'll finish up the sink
and get out of your hair.

Why don't you let me take care of that?
I'm pretty handy, and it's getting late.

- I don't mind staying.
- No, I've got it under control.

Here, let me, uh... Let me pay you.

That should cover it.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, don't forget your wrench.

You handled that very well, son.

Now help me find a tarp.

[Orson grunts]

[GIoria grunts]

What are you doing?

You don't want her identified
through dental records, do you?

I must say, I never realized
your job was so difficult.

It's not enough to kill her?
You have to desecrate her body too?

Get away from her!

[GIoria panting]

[grunting]
Now look what you've done.

I think my damn hip's broken.

Help me.

[Mary Alice] Yes,
Orson Hodge had always assumed

that his life would flash before
his eyes the moment before he died.

- Luckily for Orson...
- [man] Come on!

... that moment...

- I got a pulse. Let's get him inside.
- Get a backboard and a collar.

... was not scheduled for today.

[Mary Alice] The first light of sunrise.

- [meowing]
- The sound of a cat purring.

[purring]

The smell of fresh coffee.

Yes, there are many things
a housewife likes to wake up to.

But an unexpected guest in her bed
is not one of them.

Zach?

You're in your underwear.

Well, I needed to put on something
to get the morning paper.

You've been here all night?

Sure. I'm not one of those guys
who gets up and leaves right after.

- Right after what?
- Do you wanna hear me say it?

Fine. You were amazing.

OK, listen to me very carefully.

And this is no time to be vague.
What exactly was I amazing at?

Please tell me
that once contained a mint.

After a few drinks,
you told me how lonely you were,

and that I was the kindest man
you'd met in a few years, and...

...then you kissed me.
And then you took off your...

OK, OK, stop talking.
I'm getting nauseous.

This is so great.
I have so many awesome plans for us.

Us. Oh, man,
it feels so good to say that.

- Oh, God, here it comes.
- Would you like me to hold your hair?

No!

Hey. What are you doing?

I'm lying in bed, thinking about
the opening tonight, when it hits me.

- We could run out of bread sticks.
- Oh, honey.

You have had, what, four hours sleep
in the past three days? You need rest.

Who cares if we run out of bread sticks?

I do.

Tonight's the most important night of
my life. Everything's gotta be perfect.

Here. Try that.

- It's good.
- No. Too salty.

If they're salty, we'll sell more beer.
See? You're a genius.

Don't patronize me. Oh, my God.
This is gonna be a disaster.

Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did
when I was six months pregnant.

Excuse me. You were hitting people.

Only two. And the mailman had the good
taste never to bring that up again.

- Let's go sleep.
- The doughmaker has to be fixed.

- The chairs get delivered at noon.
- I know. I put in the order.

I will handle anything
that needs to be done.

And you take these and get some sleep.

We need you at your best tonight.

You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm crazy. [chuckles]

Honey glaze. Honey glaze
will cut the salt in the bread sticks.

Tom, I do not need to be pregnant
to kick your ass. Now go. Go on.

Andrew, you're here.

- What happened to me?
- You kind of had an accident.

- You fell off our ladder.
- Oh, that's right. Is Orson here?

He's at the hospital,
but he's not exactly visiting.

Suicide? No.
Orson would never try to kill himself.

It must have been an accident.

They found his footprints
on the trunk of his car.

The only reason
he'd be up there is to jump.

- But why?
- Maybe he was feeling guilty.

For what?

Mom, I looked at that ladder.
Someone sawed through the rung.

- And you think...
- I heard you two the other day.

You told him to turn himself in or else.

The next day you fall and nearly die.
You think that's a coincidence?

- You say he's just down the hall?
- Yeah, but don't worry.

I told them not to let him near you.

And we're gonna get you home
as soon as we can.

Can I help you?

I'm here to pick up
my wife's belongings. Jane Hainsworth.

Oh. Yes. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'll be right back.

- You doing OK?
- Not really. But having you here helps.

- Oh. Hey, Mrs. Mayer.
- What are you doing at the hospital?

You haven't heard?

Hey.

Susan.

I just heard from Andrew what happened.
I had to come see you.

- If you want me to go, I...
- No, no. Come in.

I know we've been fighting,
but something like this happens,

it puts everything into perspective.

I am so sorry. If I hadn't got
so caught up in protecting Mike...

Susan, stop. Mike is innocent.

He had nothing to do
with Monique Polier's murder.

- Do you know something?
- Yes.

And I intend to go to the police.

Oh, my God. Does this have
something to do with Orson's accident?

I can't tell you right now.
You're just gonna have to trust me.

Can you do that?

[sighs]

Of course.

I should let you rest.

So we're back to being friends?

We never really stopped.

Um, excuse me.
These things don't belong to Jane.

Are you sure?

Every couple has their secrets, but
I'm sure she wasn't a closet whittler.

- Mike Delfino.
- These are Mike's things?

Yep. Someone made a big mistake.

Helen, you screwed up the labels again.

Oh! He had an engagement ring with him.
That's pretty.

You know, Mike and I are good friends.

I could return these things
to him, if you like.

Sorry. He'll have to pick them up
himself. It's hospital policy.

It's also hospital policy to put
the right labels on the right boxes.

Ian, you're not gonna believe this. Bree
told me she can prove Mike's innocent.

- What?
- It's true. He's gonna be a free man.

- Isn't that great?
- Yes, it's bloody fantastic.

[sighs] Oops!

Here. I'm gonna go get Bree
some flowers. I'll be right back.

No, no, that's great news.
Thank you, doctor.

So, uh, Orson's gonna pull through?

You'd rather he didn't?

No. I just don't know what he's gonna
tell the police when he wakes up.

Wasn't your fault. Orson falling
off that roof was an accident, right?

- Well, sort of.
- Sort of?

Depending on what Orson tells them,

I could get charged
with attempted murder.

[Lynette] I'm so glad
she has you to take care of her,

and, of course,
your mom comes first, Andrew.

And I wouldn't even ask
except we're opening tonight...

- Chairs are here.
- Uh... Uh-huh.

Oh, God, seriously?
Fantastic, thank you.

Two quick hours and we'll get you
right back home with your mom.

Thank you, Andrew. OK, bye-bye.

Did you finish folding
the takeout menus?

You never asked me to do that.

I shouldn't have to tell you every
little thing. Show some initiative.

Wait. Where are my chairs?
I didn't order these.

- You Lynette Scavo?
- Yes.

Well then, you ordered these.

Why would I order 50 highchairs
for the opening of a pizzeria?

I thought it was one of those
kiddy pizza places,

with the games and the animatronic rats.

- Easy there.
- Animatronic rats.

Where do they find you people?
OK, OK. Here it is. See?

I ordered 50
of item number seven three...

Oh. Huh.

- Did we find the mistake?
- I, um, switched the seven and the one.

- Mmm-hmm.
- So we're both wrong.

Now, this place opens in five hours.
How long will it take to fix this?

Hi. I need to rent 50 chairs
by tonight at five.

What? Why not?

What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah
season? There's no such thing.

You still have five?
I will take those. Scavo.

OK. That brings us to 22.

Javi, Rico, we got chairs to find.
Move it.

Wow. Looks like someone crawled
into a bottle of merlot last night.

Sort of threw myself
a little birthday party.

So, if you don't mind,
I'd like to get back to my dry heaving.

Quick question.

Was that Zach Young I saw leaving
your house at eight this morning?

Oh. Yeah. Um, he just came by to, uh,

drop off a birthday card.

Really cute, little cat with balloons.

- All right, bye.
- Follow-up.

Why was Zach in your driveway at
seven this morning, in his underwear?

- We had sex last night.
- What?

I mean, I think we did.
That's what he told me.

- Weren't you there?
- I don't remember anything.

I just woke up
and he was in bed next to me.

Thanks again, Gabby. Hey, Carlos.

If you don't remember, then how can you
be sure that you and Zach had sex?

Well, we were both half-naked,
and there was a condom wrapper,

and he said I was amazing,
which totally sounds like me.

He thinks we're a couple now.
You have to help me.

[laughs] I am not getting involved.

God, I can't believe you bagged
another neighborhood kid.

- Where are you going?
- To warn the Scavo boys.

[moans]

- I wanna speak to my wife.
- She's resting.

If we can get back to these questions...

I fell off a roof.
I need a physician, not a psychiatrist.

It's hospital policy when there's
a suspected suicide attempt.

- I didn't try to kill myself.
- But you do have a certain history.

You spent most of 1976
in a psychiatric hospital.

I don't care to discuss that.

You won't be leaving here until we do.

My parents were very religious.

When I was 16,
my father had an affair.

Caused quite a scandal at our church.

He became depressed.
He started drinking heavily.

My mother grew concerned.
She didn't like leaving him alone.

One night she had to visit a sick friend
and asked me to keep an eye on him,

but I'd made plans with friends.
I thought I could duck out for a while.

When I got home,
I found him in the bathroom.

You blamed yourself?

I didn't need to.

Mother blamed me enough for both of us.

That must've caused quite a strain
in your relationship.

Yes.

But now and then she suggests
little ways I might make it up to her.

Yes, I'm calling to check
on the status of a patient.

Last name Hodge.

What do you mean, which Hodge?

Gloria, thank God.
I thought you'd forgotten about me.

- When are you letting me out of here?
- It won't be long now.

In fact, something interesting happened
last night. Orson tried to kill himself.

- Oh, my goodness. Is he OK?
- He'll be fine.

My point is, suicide is hardly the act
of a happily married man.

Gloria, for God's sake, give it up.

- He doesn't love me.
- He will, dear.

Bree will be gone soon,

and he'll need a good woman
like you to console him.

What are you gonna do to Bree?

Gloria? Gloria!

- Oh, hey, hon. Did you get some sleep?
- Hey.

Yes. I'm still kinda groggy
from those pills, but...

- And now I'm awake.
- OK, little mix-up with the new chairs.

- Which you were in charge of.
- OK, OK, we could point fingers.

But what's important
is forgetting what we expected,

and focusing on what we have,
which isn't so bad.

I mean, all the different
kinds of chairs

give the place a kind of bohemian vibe.

Plus, if we get a lot of babies,
look, we're just totally set.

Tom, I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry.

I just... I realize it's not perfect.

But... Please say something.

What can I say, Lynette?

It is what it is.

Why do I have to baby-sit Mom? All
my friends are gonna be at the opening.

- Austin was gonna sneak us beer.
- Damn it, I have to work.

Our mother's lying helpless upstairs.
Her husband tried to kill her.

For just one night,
could you try to be responsible?

[Danielle] I liked you better
when you were a psychopath!

[indistinct chatter]

Here you go.

- Oh. You're here.
- I wouldn't have missed it.

You know how I feel
about Lynette and Tom.

Uh, look. Zach, I'm glad you're here.
I've been wanting to talk, about us.

Me too. You being in my life now,
having the connection that we do,

this is really the first time I've been
happy since my mother killed herself.

- Could you excuse me a second?
- Of course, baby. Hurry back.

I am in hell.
I just tried to break up with Zach.

The little twerp
played the dead mommy card.

- Can't let him make you feel guilty.
- But I am guilty.

I don't remember how we ended up
in bed together. Maybe I led him on.

I've got to be sensitive here.

- Could you threaten him for me?
- What?

Intimidate him. Do the whole jealous,
Latin, ex-husband thing you do.

If you can't have me, nobody can.

Forget it.
I'm not gonna do that to poor Zach.

Hey, I am looking out for Zach, too.

If I dump him,
it'll destroy him emotionally.

Better to scare him off.

Please?

- Fine.
- Thank you.

OK, look, there he goes.
Go. Go get all cholo on his ass.

- Hey, Mr. Solis.
- Hey.

[Carlos sighs]

Look, I need to talk to you about
something. It's a little awkward, but...

- Mr. Solis?
- What?

You were just saying
that something was awkward?

Never mind. Forget that I said anything.

- Hey. So how'd it go?
- You did not have sex with Zach Young.

Really? Did he tell you that?

- He didn't have to.
- What?

I was standing next to him
at the urinal.

I don't care how drunk you were,
if you had sex with him, you'd remember.

Little Zach Young?

Well, just how much
would I have remembered?

[doorbell rings]

- Uh, hey. What are you doing here?
- I thought Bree might like some soup.

It's my own special recipe.

I was surprised to find you home.

I thought the whole street
was going to Scavo's tonight.

Well, I was supposed to go.

But, uh, Andrew said I had
to stay home and baby-sit Mom.

Well, that's just silly.

A vibrant young lady like you should be
at the party, turning boys' heads.

You go. I'll look after your mother.

- You mean it?
- Just take her dinner up first.

I don't think I can manage
the tray with my cane.

Thanks, Grandma. You're the best.

This soup smells so good.

You wanna score some points,
don't say I brought it.

Tell her you made it yourself.

Hey! Hey!

Hello! Over here!

[AIma screams]

Honey, there is a line out the door.
We are gonna make a killing tonight.

I'm happy for you.

- For us.
- Now it's us?

I thought I was the one
who was trying to ruin everything.

OK, look, I know I overreacted...

Yes, you did, but... I have customers.

- Place came out great, huh?
- Sure did.

Looks like the whole street's here.

Yeah.

Except for Orson, who fell off a roof.
You know anything about that?

Why would you think that?

I heard you talking to Carlos.
Answer the question.

I... I can't talk about it here.

- It's complicated.
- It always is with you.

Hey, I just had a slice of pizza.
It's pretty good.

Is it really good, or are you
just pretending you had a slice?

- You and I did not have sex. Admit it.
- Of course we did.

Zach, how can you claim
to care about me and lie to my face?

I'm sorry.
I'm tired of just being your friend.

I thought if you saw me as a lover, you
could think of me as a man, not a boy.

Zach, a real man is honest.

All you've tried to do is bribe and
trick me into falling in love with you.

A little advice next time?
Don't play games.

Just stand up and be the kind of man

a woman would be proud
to share her life with.

[clinking glass]

Hello!

- It's high time to make a toast.
- [man] Sure.

Um, Tom, where are you?
Where...?

Tom, you did it.

There are a lot of people in this room
that didn't think you could pull it off.

- OK, well, maybe just me.
- [laughter]

Anyway, congratulations.

The pizza is excellent,
and the service is sublime.

- Cheers.
- [Carlos] Speech!

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

It means everything in the world to me.

When I arrived here this afternoon
and I saw these weird chairs,

um, I thought the evening
was gonna be a total disaster.

But now, when I look out,
I can't even see the chairs.

I just see people eating, laughing,
and having a great time.

It's absolutely perfect.

And none of this would have happened
without my amazing partner Lynette.

[cheering]

Who, uh... to...

I'm sorry. I'm a little...

[Lynette laughs]

I think what my husband
is trying to say is,

if you wanna test a marriage,
open a restaurant together.

Anyway, um, thank you for coming.
Eat a lot and come back.

- 'Cause our kids need braces.
- [cheering]

Actually, as long as everyone
has their glasses raised,

I have something
that I would like to say.

I... Well, I thought of waiting
for the perfect romantic spot

to ask this question,

but being here tonight,
enveloped by so much love and warmth,

I realize that, um, this is
the perfect romantic spot.

- Susan Mayer...
- Drop the pizza.

Will you make me the happiest man
in the world and be my wife?

Absolutely. Yes.

[cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen, please. I have
something that I'd like to say also.

Gabrielle Solis, will you marry me?

[indistinct gasping]

No, there will be no clapping.

You. Moron. Come with me.

Time for your pills, Mr. Hodge.

It's after six?
I need to speak with my wife.

- What room is she in?
- Oh. Your wife checked out.

- Already?
- She was very eager to get home.

- Don't worry. She'll be fine.
- I have to talk to her.

Oh. That reminds me, your mother called.
She said she didn't wanna wake you up.

She wanted to make sure
we'd be keeping you overnight.

Moms are like that, so protective.

- [grunts]
- [answering machine beeps]

[Orson] Bree, it's me.
Are you there? Please pick up.

Bree?

Please, somebody, pick up the phone.

- [Zach] You're mad...
- [Gabby] I'm done.

- You said to be honest.
- I did not say to humiliate me.

I'm sorry. All right,
I was just trying to...

- What do you want from me?
- I want you to leave me alone.

This friends thing isn't gonna work.
You'll always want more.

- And I'm never gonna love you. Ever.
- Ha. Ha.

Twenty years from now,
when you're all middle-aged and alone,

- you'll regret this.
- OK. I'll take my chances.

- Thought you might need this.
- Bless you.

So how did it go with Seabiscuit?

- He's devastated.
- Of course.

It's my fault.

I should have known he couldn't handle
the whole "let's be friends" thing.

I don't blame him.

I'm having kind of a hard time myself
being just your friend.

Watching you with other guys,
being your confidant.

Really? I think it's been nice.

For you maybe.

Seriously, I don't know how much longer
I'm gonna be able to keep this up.

Wow.

Well, hang in there as long as you can
because I still need you.

I'll do my best.

[indistinct chatter]

What are you doing here?

I have better things to do than baby-sit
Mom. She's fine. Gloria's watching her.

What? I told you Mom's ready
to go to the cops about Orson.

How could you leave her at home
with his crazy mother?

She brought soup.

Gloria. What are you doing here?

I came to take care of you.

I'm so sleepy.

Good. Then the pills are working.

Andrew! Danielle!

They're gone.

It's just us.

Now, you rest, hon.

I'm gonna draw you a nice, warm bath.

[moans]

[water running in tub]

[striking match]

Oh, Bree.

I wish I could make you understand
how deeply I regret having to do this.

Monique, that was easy. She was a slut.

You're a good woman. You didn't know
Orson already had a wife.

But he did.

And he made a vow to her before God.

What sort of mother would I be
if I let him break it?

I'm sorry.

But I will not let him
be his father's son.

[sighs]

Wake up, Mr. Hodge. I've got dinner.

That water's not too hot, is it?

No, it's just right.

[tires screeching]

Mom? You all right?

[Orson groaning]

Andrew.

You've done this before, haven't you?

[GIoria] Ow! Oh!

Oof! Uh!

- Is she all right?
- She will be.

Get her some blankets
and some dry clothes.

[GIoria] Orson?

Orson!

Something's wrong.

I think I'm having a stroke.

You need an ambulance, Mother.

It's too bad there's no one here
who'd dream of calling you one.

[wheezing]

- What are you doing?
- I don't want her dying in our house.

Hey there. Are you all right?

Your mother, she tried to kill me.

Don't worry about her.
She's never gonna hurt you again.

- And neither will Alma.
- Alma?

- She's dead.
- What?

I don't know what happened,
but she's gone.

And she's taking our troubles with her.

Tomorrow morning one of our neighbors
will stumble on a gruesome surprise,

two bodies side by side.

The police will conclude
that Alma fell from the roof,

and when my mother found her,
she suffered a stroke.

When they search the house,

they'll find the note Alma wrote
when she faked her suicide,

and next to it
a bag containing Monique's teeth.

In the face of such evidence,
they'll have no choice

but to drop the charges
against Mike Delfino.

And then you and I are gonna take
that honeymoon we never got around to.

I'd love that.

What about your mother?
I mean, after all the things she's done,

is she just gonna get off scot-free?

Thank you, doctor.
I know you did all you could.

Good news, Mother.

The doctor said your stroke
has left you completely paralyzed.

You can't even speak. Which means
all our secrets will be safe forever.

Oh, here's the best part.

Your brain is functioning normally.

So I don't have to worry
about putting you in jail.

You're already there.

Now, I'm gonna turn your head,
so you can watch me walk away.

You don't wanna miss it, 'cause
it's the last time you'll ever see me.

[Mary Alice] A surprising thing
happened to Orson Hodge

as he left Fairview Memorial hospital.

His life began to flash before his eyes.

But it wasn't his past he saw.

It was his future.

Ordinary suburban days

filled with ordinary suburban moments,

each made beautiful
because of the housewife by his side.

Yes, Orson could finally envision a life
free from secrets and pain.

And he couldn't wait for it to begin.

Honey, I'm home.