Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 11 - No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds - full transcript

[Mary Alice] Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

[screaming]

[Lynette] I will love her
like she is my own.

Lynette made a promise.

[Susan] His wife goes missing,
his mistress turns up dead?

I can't believe that Orson
could do such a thing.

- Mike got arrested.
- Oh, thank God.

- A friendship hit the rocks.
- [Susan] I won't play with a woman

that will let Mike take the fall
for her psycho husband.

Susan made a deal.

[Ian] I'll hire the best lawyer in town
on one condition.



You can't see him anymore.

- And the missing wife returned.
- Hello, Alma.

To understand the journey of Alma Hodge,

you first need to know how it started.

It began the day she wed Orson Hodge,

a man she had tricked into marriage
by getting pregnant.

Alma was confident
that as their family grew,

Orson's feelings for her
would grow as well.

But then something went wrong,

and the baby she had been counting on
never came.

So Alma found herself married to a man

who seemed to despise her.

Still, Alma hoped
things would get better.

Mama loves her baby.
Does the baby love Mama?



Until the day she discovered
Orson was having an affair.

And Alma realized the only way she'd
ever get her husband to appreciate her

was to leave him... immediately.

[squawking]

If you don't get back
in your cage right now,

I'm going to have
to leave you behind! Please.

[squawks]

- Going somewhere?
- I'm staying at a motel tonight.

- Why?
- I don't have time to discuss it.

- I'm late for the bus.
- All right.

I'm going away because...

...I know you're having an affair.
- Ah. I see.

Aren't you even gonna deny it?

On the contrary,
I want to shout it from the rooftops.

For the first time in my life,
I'm actually in love.

How could you say that to me?
I'm your wife!

We both know why we got married.

And it had nothing to do with affection.

So you don't care if I go?

No.

Wait! This isn't
what's supposed to happen!

You should be begging me
to stay with you.

I deserve to be happy, Alma.
So do you.

And we're clearly
not gonna find that together.

Orson, no!

[Mary Alice] It was
at that moment Alma realized

it wasn't enough to leave her husband.

He had to be punished.

Yes, this was the journey of Alma Hodge.

Bree Hodge? I'm Alma Hodge.

I believe we have someone in common.

And it wasn't over yet.

[Mary Alice] There is a time of day
all housewives look forward to.

It occurs just after
the chores have been completed

and right before the children
come home from school.

It's a time for good friends
to get together,

have a cup of coffee,

and exchange gossip
about the other good friends

who couldn't make it that day.

Bree let Orson move back in.

- You're kidding. When?
- Yesterday.

I'm so disappointed in her.

Well, the police did arrest Mike.

I know you think he's innocent,
but you can understand

- why Bree's feelings have changed.
- Well, mine haven't.

And I know something
that Bree probably doesn't.

When Orson was 17, he spent time
in a mental institution.

How did you find that out?

I snuck into his office
and rifled through his things.

Of course you did.

That doesn't prove he had anything
to do with Monique's murder.

No, but it's a piece of the puzzle.

I mean, he did have an affair with her.

And when you combine that with the fact
that his first wife went missing...

So you're Alma.
Where have you been all this time?

In Canada. My aunt lives there.

Well, you should have told someone.

People thought you were dead.

Some even thought that Orson killed you.

Well, that's sort of
what I wanted them to think.

That's why I left my bird behind
and only took cash, so they couldn't

- trace me through my credit cards.
- So you deliberately framed Orson?

I'm not saying it was my finest hour.

But you have to understand,
Orson hurt me very badly.

- He cheated on me.
- Yes, I know, with Monique Polier.

And I thought if I disappeared,
she'd get scared and leave him,

like he left me.
Isn't jealousy awful?

- So why have you come back?
- I found this fantastic therapist.

He told me that
by holding on to my anger,

I was really hurting myself,
which was hard to deny.

I mean, hello, I'm here in Winnipeg
with a deaf aunt and no credit.

So I thought...
it's time to make amends.

Darling, Mrs. McLean canceled,

so I'm free for lunch.

Um, actually, we have a guest.

[AIma] Hello, Orson.

Oh, hello.

So, what is it with you and redheads?

[insect buzzing]

I hope you don't mind me
springing this picnic on you.

I figured it'd be more fun
than some restaurant.

Are you kidding?
What could be more romantic?

- Back off, you son of a bitch!
- [cell phone ringing]

More wine?

Yes, keep it coming.

Hello?

[Carlos] Hey, hey! Who's the dork?

- Carlos?
- What's with that cap?

Extra, extra, read all about it!

Where the hell are you?

- What are you doing at Mike's house?
- I live here.

You live there? Since when?

My car's been in the driveway
for three weeks.

Even you can't be that self-absorbed.

Well, as you can see, I have
more pleasant things to focus on.

When are you gonna tell
Jimmy Olsen you hate picnics?

I'm gonna hang up now.

So where were we?

Your ex-husband moved in
across the street?

- What's that gonna be like?
- [cell phone ringing]

- Yeah?
- Are you gonna kiss him?

That's right, Carlos.

We have had some problems
with raccoons getting into the trash.

So why don't you just put a lid on it?

OK, they're here.
Now listen, stand up,

Kayla has been through a lot.
So when she walks in the door

I want you to make her feel welcome.
Give her a hug and be really nice.

I'm giving her my room.
How much nicer do I have to be?

Well, nicer than that,
or she's gonna get all your toys too.

[Tom] Hey, hey, hey, look who I found
wandering around the airport.

Hi, Kayla! We missed you!
We're so glad you're here.

OK, boys.

Good. Yeah.
OK, so give her some room.

Hey, wow, look,
are those presents for Kayla?

- Yes, they are.
- Hey, look at that.

Preston gave you a harmonica.
Isn't that cool?

- Harriet the Spy. Sounds mysterious.
- Thanks.

- And what did you get her, Porter?
- A video game.

- But I get to play it whenever I want.
- Porter!

You know what?
I got you something too.

This is Nellie.

My grandma gave her to me
when I was little,

and I was hoping you could
take care of her for me.

Thanks.

Hey, why don't you take your stuff
and go upstairs

and get ready for lunch.
I'll make some chili.

- OK, Daddy.
- OK, baby.

Honey, that was so sweet
to give her your doll.

She didn't seem that knocked out by it.

Well, just give her some time.
She'll come around.

- It's a tough adjustment.
- OK.

I must say, Bree, I don't know when
I've tasted such moist pound cake.

Sour cream.

Ah.

So whatever happened to my parrot?

- I set it free.
- Mm!

Orson, they don't fare well in the wild.
You should have sold her.

For God's sake, Alma,
who cares about the damn bird.

You set me up!

Why don't I wrap up a piece of this
pound cake for you to enjoy later?

Do you have any idea
what you put me through?

- You almost ruined my life.
- You've rebounded nicely.

- Bree's lovely.
- Don't change the subject.

You put me through a lot too, Orson.
But I forgave you.

- Can't we just put this behind us?
- And that's all you've come back for?

- Closure?
- Of course. What else?

I'm out of lipstick.
Can I borrow yours?

Sure.

- Cherry Berry?
- Austin likes the way it tastes.

Oh, I so did not need to know that.

So, where're you going?

Down to the jailhouse to talk to Mike.

But didn't you tell Ian
you wouldn't see him anymore?

Yeah, but somebody's got to tell him
about his new lawyer.

The guy'll show up and he's gonna go,
"Who the hell is he?"

Ian gets that.

[sighs]

Besides, why would it be a big deal?
Mike and I are over.

I was just wondering, because,
you know,

you're putting on lipstick
to go to a prison.

Thank you for clearing things up.

Oh, well, it was the least I could do.

Orson, I'm truly sorry
for the pain I've caused.

And if there's anything else I can do...

Actually, there is.

I'd love it if you could join us
for dinner this weekend.

There are some friends
that I'm just...

...dying for you to meet.

Hey, how you doing?

- You got me a lawyer?
- Yeah. And he is fantastic.

You cannot believe the scum
he has gotten off.

Not that you're scum.

But if you were,
you'd be sitting pretty.

I'm paying you back every penny.

Well, you know,
we'll figure that out later.

I can't believe I just listened to
all that stuff Edie told me about you.

Turns out you're the only one
standing by me.

You're a good friend, Susan.

Um...

Yeah, about that... It's Ian.

He's not crazy about me
spending time with my ex.

Even an ex who doesn't
remember dating you?

I remember, and I guess
that's enough for him.

I'm sorry.

Well, I can't say that I blame him.

- You take care of yourself, Mike.
- You too, Susan.

Dinner's ready.

Kayla, I made your favorite... tacos.

- Here you go.
- Where's my daddy?

Oh, sorry, sweetheart,
he's working late,

trying to get the restaurant ready.

Oh, lovely, Parker.
Go wash your hands. Go on.

- Kayla, where you going?
- To watch TV.

Oh, sweetie, we don't watch TV
during dinner.

But my show is on.

Well, I'm sorry,
those are the rules.

My mommy let me.

Well...

Just this once.

OK, OK, I know what you're thinking,

but Kayla's going through a hard time
right now. Come and sit down.

Letting her watch TV is like me letting
you eat ice cream when you're sick.

But she's not sick.

Well, that's true,
but she's sad.

I'm sad I can't watch TV.

Eat your tacos.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sit your butts down.
- It's not fair!

I don't care. We have rules.

- Well, she gets to.
- She is special.

Now, sit down. Come on.

- Does she get dessert too?
- Of course I do.

[channels changing]

What an amazing documentary.

You know, I read the director
shot over 400 hours of film.

Really? I only counted half that.

- I get it. You pick the next one.
- OK.

Look at you! Who knew
you were such a romantic?

Actually, I...
I didn't send them.

You didn't?

So who's making me look bad?

Uh... there's no signature.

- I'm sorry. This is kind of awkward.
- No, hey,

I don't care
who worships you from afar...

...as long as I get to do it up close.

Oh. [chuckling]

That's sweet that you're not jealous.

Carlos would have hit the roof
if some guy sent me...

Would you excuse me a minute?

- Nice try, Carlos.
- Huh?

Don't act innocent.
You know you sent me these flowers.

- Why would I get you flowers?
- To sabotage my new relationship.

With Picnic Boy? What do I care?

You care.
First you move across the street,

and earlier today
I catch you spying on me.

I was not spying.
I was mocking you.

- You need to move on, Carlos.
- I have moved on.

You're the one talking to your ex
in the middle of a date.

- Is he that boring?
- Bill is not boring.

He is vibrant.

Mmm.

- And sexy.
- And yet, here you are.

[laughing]

She threw your doll in the trash?

No, first she ripped off its arms,
stuffed it with chili,

then she threw it in the trash.

So, what did you do?

Nothing.

And this is after
you let her watch TV during dinner?

Well, I didn't know what else to do.

I'm trying to win over a little girl
who clearly doesn't want a new mother.

Well, I guess giving her special
treatment isn't gonna solve anything.

- You know what might solve something?
- Hm?

If you were home once in a while.
You're the one she listens to.

I am trying to open up a restaurant.

Our life savings
is riding on this thing.

- I know, I know.
- You know what?

I don't want you to be afraid
to take a firm hand with Kayla.

She's part of our family now.

And you know what that means.

Yeah. I should treat her as badly
as I treat my own children.

Exactly.

[kissing]

Sorry. Um...

I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

That's cool.

Can't blame me for trying, though.

Austin, you know
I want to. It's just...

Hey, don't sweat it.

If you're not ready,
you're not ready.

So he didn't pressure you at all?
What a great guy.

I know. I'm so lucky.

Underneath all that bad-boy posturing,
he's a real gentleman.

Wow. You're not only a virgin,
you think like one.

Beat it, eavesdropper!

No, wait. Um...

What did you mean by that?

Well, uh, guys need sex.
All right? It's basic science.

So, if he's not getting it from you,
he'll end up getting it somewhere else.

You're a moron.
Not all guys pressure girls for sex.

Yeah, gay guys don't.
But Austin's not gay.

Not even after three beers.

Don't ask.

So, what's your point?

If a guy has to wait too long
to see you naked,

he'll end up seeing you as a friend.

Again, science.

Don't listen to him.
You hold on to your virginity.

If Austin won't wait,
he doesn't deserve you.

I just don't want to lose him.

It's better than losing
your self-respect.

Take it from a girl who's known
at school as "Little Miss Van de Tramp."

- I thought you made that up.
- Only because it was nicer

than the other names
they were calling me.

I really appreciate
you donating this stuff.

Anything for a good cause.

Everyone at the shelter's
gonna be so excited.

To you and me, these are just a bunch of
old clothes, but to a homeless woman...

...it's a chance for her
to feel pretty again.

You OK?

- What?
- I asked if you're OK.

You seem kind of distracted.

I am fine. Yes.

I just remembered,
today's my mother's birthday.

Can we stop by the florist
on the way to the shelter?

Yeah.

Detective Ridley?
My name is Susan Mayer.

And I'm calling
to drop a dime on someone.

That's the expression, right?

Yes, ma'am.
You've got the lingo down pat.

Good. Uh... his name is Orson Hodge,

and he had an affair with the woman
that you think Mike Delfino killed.

Monique Polier? Are you sure?

Because Mr. Hodge
saw her body in the morgue.

- He acted like he didn't know her.
- He does.

So he's pretending he didn't.
That's suspicious, right?

Well...

- [phone beeps]
- Oh, can you hold on?

- Hello?
- Susan, hi, it's Bree.

Bree! Uh... hi.

Can you hold on a second?

It's Orson's wife!

- She can't know I called you.
- How about you don't tell her?

Right. Sorry.

I'm new to this whole
snitch thing. Hold on, OK?

Bree, hi. Sorry about that.
Damn telemarketer.

So, what can I do for you?

I just feel really awful
about our fight,

and I think it's time for an apology.

Oh, Bree.

I am so relieved.

Would you join Orson and me
for dinner tomorrow night?

Oh. Uh...

- Sure.
- Good, I'll see you at 8:00.

Bree, I just want you to know that,
no matter what,

your friendship means the world to me.

Oh, Susan, you know
I feel exactly the same...

- [phone beeps to other line]
- It's me again.

You should also know that Orson
spent a year in an asylum.

[door opens]

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi, I received some flowers
from your shop yesterday

and the card didn't say
who they were from.

- Can you check? The name is Solis.
- Sure, sure. Just give me a sec here.

- Solis?
- Yeah.

Solis, Solis...
Huh. This is odd.

- The buyer asked to remain anonymous.
- Really?

Well, the flowers were so beautiful,
I'd like to know who to thank.

- Sorry. I have to honor their request.
- Why? They're just flowers.

They're not government secrets.

- If you don't mind, I'm busy.
- OK, wait, wait. Let me explain.

What's to explain?
A pretty girl gets flowers.

Do you know how many girls
never get flowers?

I work in a flower shop.
I've never gotten any freakin' flowers.

So stop your whining about who
sent them and just be glad he did.

You're right. And I am so sorry
for taking up so much of your time.

And I'm sorry for doing this!

What the hell are you doing?
Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm gonna make it up to you, OK?

Once I'm done,
I'll send you flowers.

Hey! You won't get away with this!

- I know where you live!
- Yeah, well, stop by. We'll hot tub.

Hey, mister! Help!

She locked me in here!

Gabby?

This is totally her fault.

I mean, I simply asked her
if Carlos sent me the flowers,

and she refused to show me
the order slip.

Are you still hung up on that?

- For God's sake.
- Wait, wait!

I need a couple more minutes.
I need to know the truth!

What truth is that?

That you're still obsessed
with your ex-husband?

What? No, he's obsessed with me.

You just imprisoned a florist
to find out if he sent you roses.

OK, I see what you mean.

There. I'm done. Let's go.

Actually... I think I'm done too.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

I'm probably not ready to date.

Thanks.

And just so you know,
I am ready to date.

All right, let's hit it.

- Come on, Kayla.
- I haven't finished my ice cream.

Sorry, but we gotta go.
I have a dinner party I have to get to.

They got to finish their ice cream.

Well, they, you know, wolfed it down
like kids are supposed to.

So hurry it up.

Kayla, I'm not fooling around.
We're going.

Mm-hm. OK.

Boys, go to the car.
I'll be out in a minute. Go.

Listen, sweetheart,
I don't blame you for being angry.

Your mom's gone,
and you're stuck with me.

But...

...the last thing she said to me was,
"Promise you'll take care of Kayla."

And I am going to.

But you're gonna have to help me, OK?

We can leave when I'm done.

OK. Let's go.

[Ioud screaming]

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you doing?

- Stop! Stop screaming, stop!
- Leave me alone!

You're not my mommy!

[sighing]

Guys, how would you like to eat dinner
in front of the television

for a whole week?

What are you guys doing here?

[Kayla screaming]

[Porter] Kayla, stop screaming,
you're hurting my ears!

[Parker] Just get in the car!

[Preston] Come on, we're going home!

[Porter] Get your seat belt on!

Kids, they're always roughhousing.

Why did you stop?

Well, it's getting late.
I got your blouse unbuttoned.

That's usually when we call it a night.

Do you want to call it a night?

What, do you want
to grab a pizza or something?

I want to do what you want to do.

Well, you know what I want to do.

Well, OK.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm sure.

You can always spot the new guys
by the way they pick through their food.

So, what did you do
when you thought no one was looking?

- The cops say I killed a woman.
- But you didn't, right?

Actually, I have no idea.

I got pretty banged up in an accident.

The last two years are a blank.

Well, that's a fresh approach.

Not sure the jury's gonna swallow it.

It's the truth.

I believe you.

OK, Mrs. McCluskey's downstairs

and we will be right across the street
if you need us.

OK, Daddy.

You know, I heard what
happened with Lynette today.

Hey, she's doing her best.
Why are you being so hard on her?

Because it's her fault my mommy died.

No. No, no, honey, it's not.

Mom only went to that store because
Lynette was trying to steal me.

OK, that is not true.

Look, honey,
it is way more complicated than that.

I know you miss your mommy.
And she loved you very much.

But guess what?

Lynette loves you too.

That's why you got
to give her a chance.

Can you do that for me?

OK. I'll be good.

That's my girl.

But I'm never gonna love her.

And you can't make me.

- Well, you've won.
- What did I win?

Bill and I split up.

Can't say I'm surprised.

He wasn't right for you.

I know.

So just admit you sent the flowers.

I didn't.

Carlos, just tell me.
I won't be mad. I promise.

Gabby, if I was gonna send you flowers,
I wouldn't send you pink roses.

I'd send you white orchids.
Because I know they're your favorite.

And if I wanted
to cheer you up, sunflowers.

And for the flu... blue irises.

[sighs]

I hate that you know me so well.
And it took so long for that to happen.

Now I have to start over again
with somebody else.

Yeah. That's what dating is for.

I know, and it sucks.

I mean, you saw me. I went on a picnic
and ate pudding out of a can!

It was horrible!

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I got dragged to the ballet
the other night.

So you are dating?

That's why you've been
lifting weights and jogging.

Well, if you wanna bag the big game,
you gotta work on the guns.

[both chuckling]

I'll give you this:

You're gonna be a tough act
to follow, Carlos.

Back at ya, babe.

[chuckles]

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting,

but I don't want to introduce you
until all my guests are here.

I don't mind.

By the way, um,

when my friends ask you
what happened, and they will,

I don't think it's necessary to go
into all that unpleasantness

about Orson and Monique.

All they need to know is that
you're back and we're on good terms.

And Orson didn't kill me.

And Orson didn't kill you.

- [doorbell ringing]
- [Bree giggling]

OK, just one minute, that'll be Susan.

Hi. I brought you a Bundt cake.

- Don't worry, I didn't make it.
- You didn't have to do that.

I was really touched by your call.
It was so big of you.

Well, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

Now that we're all assembled, I'd like
to introduce the guest of honor.

I hope you'll all be as delighted
to meet her as I was.

You can come in now.

Everyone, this is Alma Hodge.
Orson's first wife.

Oh, about that apology,
any time you're ready.

So you've been in Canada
this entire time?

Well, my Aunt Agnes
has a place in Winnipeg.

I hadn't planned on staying so long,
but I needed the time to find myself.

Would've been nice
if someone else found you.

- There was a lot of drama around here.
- Yes, I heard.

People actually thought Orson
had done away with me?

Amazing, isn't it,
where some people's minds will go?

You gotta hand it to her.

Just when you think Bree's thrown
every conceivable theme party

she hosts a "shame on you for thinking
my husband killed someone" dinner.

So Alma's alive.

We don't know what went down
between Orson and Monique.

Susan, please. We look stupid enough
for suspecting him. Just let it go.

It may be a little late for that.

Detective Ridley, can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to speak to your husband.

Oh, well, I'm afraid he's not here,

but I will be happy to tell him
that you came by.

[Orson] Who is it, darling?

Excuse us.

Can't this wait?
We're having a dinner party.

- Hello, Dr. Hodge.
- Detective Ridley.

We need you to come with us.

We have questions about that
Jane Doe we showed you in the morgue.

Why do you think I'd know
anything about her?

Well, you were having
an affair with her when she died.

And where did you hear that?

Susan.

I didn't know they were gonna
come tonight.

I'm happy to answer any questions
that you might have.

My apologies.
Please, stay and enjoy the dessert.

I don't believe this.
You called the police?

Obviously you weren't going to.

They needed to know that dead woman
was Orson's mistress.

I told you that in confidence.

Did you seriously think I could sit on
information that would exonerate Mike?

If you had seen his face
in jail the other day...

- The other day? You saw Mike?
- Yeah.

Just to tell him about the lawyer.

- I know that Mike is innocent.
- Right.

Just like you knew she was dead.

- I thought we had an agreement.
- We do.

- Can we talk about this later?
- When?

After your next conjugal visit?

Ian, wait!

Boy, when it comes to Mike,
there's no one you won't betray.

- Excuse me?
- Hey, guys.

- Please leave my house.
- Bree!

You heard me. Get out!

Bree, I know you're angry,
but for the sake of our friendship...

Oh, make no mistake.
Our friendship is over.

[Lynette indistinctly whispering]

[door closing]

So Winnipeg...

...it must get pretty cold up there.

I'm just getting my coat.

Ian, please, I just lost one of
my best friends. I can't lose you too.

- You said you wouldn't see him again!
- But you had to know

that I would go one more time
to explain everything.

- Actually, no, I didn't.
- Well, that's just crazy.

Why are you acting like a crazy person?

Because you've already
left me once for this guy!

Things are different now! I love you!

You don't have to worry
about that anymore.

If we're gonna make this relationship
work, you have to trust me.

- Why are you smiling at me?
- You just said that you love me.

- Yeah. So?
- Well, you've never said that before.

- Yes, I have.
- No, I would've remembered.

I'm saying it now. I love you.
Do you have a problem with that?

- No, ma'am.
- You can't kiss me now.

- I'm yelling at you.
- I'm listening.

Well, don't think that you can
get out of this, you know, by just...

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, right there...

Right there. [gasping]

Look, I think we should stop doing this.

I know it's my idea, but it just
doesn't feel right anymore.

So you slept with Julie.
It's no big deal.

It is to her, and I don't want
to see her get hurt.

Me either.

So, let's just not tell her.

[Edie] There's no place in Fairview
that's more peaceful.

All the floors are hardwood.
There are brand-new appliances.

And the gardens are...
Well, they're beautiful.

So, what do you think?

I'll take it.

Really? That's terrific.

I'll draw up the papers in the morning.

If you don't mind me asking,

why were you so interested
in this particular street?

I've been moving around a lot
in the last few months.

And I need a place where I can
really settle down.

You know what I mean?

I want to live in a place
where children know how to behave.

Where people still have
some sense of moral value,

and where friendships are good

and strong and last forever.

That's what I'm looking for.

Then I think Wisteria Lane
is the place for you.

Good.

More than anything,
I just want to fit in.

[Mary Alice] Oh, you will, Alma.

You absolutely will.