Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Miracle Song - full transcript

When Ian tells Susan that his parents will be visiting them for Christmas, Susan dumps the news to him that she can't cook. Gabrielle is willing to drop Amy, the worst child in her modeling...

[Mary Alice] Previously
on Desperate Housewives:

Orson's wife, Alma, disappeared.

- Gabby found a new calling.
- I'm unbelievable. Close your mouths.

Someone new moved in.

He's a bachelor
who lives with his invalid sister.

- But Lynette found a dark secret.
- Our neighbor is a pedophile.

- You can't sit on this, Lynette.
- [phone beeps]

Orson's mother revealed his past.

He cheated on Alma. Broke her heart,
for his precious Monique.

Monique Polier?

- The police couldn't find evidence...
- We couldn't find the toolbox.

- The police couldn't find evidence...
- We couldn't find the toolbox.

- The man's a plumber.
- ... until Mike tried to hide it.

I'll take those.

The annual block party was
a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane.

It was a way for the residents
to spread holiday cheer.

Everyone was invited.

Including Art Shepard,
the newest resident of Wisteria Lane.

But as the big night drew near,

more than holiday cheer
was being spread around.

Hey. Did you hear about
the new guy that just moved in?

Well, get a load of this.

Apparently, the perv's got all
this weird stuff in his basement.

No, seriously. It's like
this big kiddie trap full of toys.

[Mary Alice] By Sunday evening,
most of the gossiping had subsided

and the neighborhood was once again
consumed by the spirit of the season.

Friends laughed over eggnog.

Lovers kissed under mistletoe.

And the mood was jolly.

That is, until a certain guest
made his appearance.

Ho ho ho!

Look who's here!

- Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Merry Christmas!

Don't you do that!
Don't you know what he did?

Now, kids, who's been good this year?


Oh, come on.
Everybody was naughty?

What am I gonna do with this fire truck?

Joey, get back here!

What's going on?

I'm not sure.

Let's go, girls.

Art, maybe we should go.

[Mary Alice] Yes, for the residents
of Wisteria Lane,

it was the most
wonderful time of the year.

But for Arthur Shepard and his sister,

it had turned out to be
a very silent night.

For the residents of Wisteria Lane,

the holiday season could only begin...

... once the decorations came out.

For some, that meant pulling out
the colored lights.

For others, it meant locating
that holiday wreath.

And then there were those eager
to display their Nativity scene.

And then there were those eager
to display their Nativity scene.

But for a romantic few,
it was all about...

- ... the mistletoe.
- Oh.

You have to kiss me. It's the law.

While you're in a good mood,
I thought I'd spring something on you.

My parents are coming to town.

Your parents? Really?

And I wondered if you might be free
to join us for dinner Saturday.


So I assume this means
they know about me?

- But of course.
- And they know about me as in,

"Mum, Dad, bloody good news! I've got
myself a smashing new girlfriend"?

That's adorable.
Please don't do it in front of them.


So do you want me to make reservations
at that little French place?

We could do that. But it's a four-hour
layover, and they'll be exhausted.

I thought we might have a more
enjoyable time if they came here,

and you made dinner for them.

OK. I guess it's time
we have the conversation.


...haven't you ever wondered
why I've never cooked for you?

I just assumed that you were lazy.

[laughs] No. I wish.

My cooking is not good.

Well, my parents won't be expecting
a gourmet meal.

Will they be expecting stomach cramps?
Acid reflux? Night sweats?

Come on.
You can't be that bad.


Is it really important that I make them
a home-cooked meal?

It's just, they're very old-fashioned,
hearth and home types.

And they might wonder why
you didn't make the effort.

But it's OK.

You'll win them over... eventually.

OK, I'll give it a shot.

Thank you.

Now, nothing elaborate.

Just a simple roast and something
appropriate to go with it.

Right. Like an ambulance.

[Christmas music plays]

No, Amy, small steps, small.

Little Miss Snowflake glides,
she doesn't stomp.

- Is that better?
- Getting there, sweetie.

If she was a horse,
we'd have to shoot her.

- Poor thing. She tries so hard.
- Yeah, she's a trouper.

- Let's dump her.
- What? Why?

Consultants are judged
on the strength of their roster.

We can't bounce
every nose-picking no-talent,

but we can lose the one
who's dragging us down.

We can't do that.
Her mother died last year.

Yes, I know, I know,
and it's tragic.

But we are running a business.

Amy is sucking up all our time
and we should be focusing on Sherri.

She actually has a shot at winning.

- How will I tell her family?
- We'll do it together.

- We'll be diplomatic.
- Are you sure?

The poor kid's been through the wringer.

Amy! For God sakes!

Little Miss Snowflake does not
scratch down there! [groans]

Well, then again,
her mother died a year ago.

How long is she gonna milk it?

[women on TV]

- Mother Hodge, I have your breakfast.
- Just put it over there.

- I'll pick through it later.
- [woman] Merry Christmas.

- [woman] Oh, wait, wait, wait.
- What are you watching?

Home movies.

It's fun looking back
at the past, isn't it?

[TV off]

Well, it's one way to kill time
while you're waiting for death.

We also have cable.

Have you decided
what you're gonna do about Orson?

- Decided?
- Yes. Have you called a lawyer yet?

I don't think
that's any of your concern.

I don't mean to pry.

But I think
you're a good Christian woman,

and you deserve better than my son.

Well, I will take that under advisement.

If you give him a chance
he'll draw you back in.

It's what he does.

Just walk away.

It's not that easy. I love him.

You'll get over it. I did.

- [woman] Hi.
- [woman 2] Hi.

- Merry Christmas!
- Hello.

[Mother Hodge] Merry Christmas.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Well, believe me, Rita,
he scares me too.

You know what?
We should have a meeting.

Get all the moms together and figure out
what to do about this guy.

- Saturday. Your house sounds good.
- [knocking on car]

Hey, Rita, I gotta go.

Sorry, I can't talk now.
I have somewhere to go.

Well, my brother doesn't.
The Youth Center just fired him.

- Are you happy?
- I'm not sad.

He shouldn't be around kids.
I saw those pictures.

Those boys were on his swim team.
He was proud of them.

Turning that into something dirty
says more about you than him.

You can defend him all you want.
I know what I know.

Did you know my brother got spit on
at the hardware store yesterday?

That they refused to serve us
at the diner?

That our tire got slashed
at the church parking lot?

[panting, sighs]

I am not a well woman.
I don't need this stress.

Well, I am sorry that happened.

Have you considered, even for a moment,
that you could be wrong?

That you misinterpreted what you saw?
That you are ruining my brother's life

and mine over nothing?

I have kids, OK?

Better safe than sorry.

As long as you're safe,
what do you care who's sorry?

So I'm cooking dinner
for Ian's parents tomorrow night,

and it's the first time
I'm meeting them,

- so I sort of want to impress them.
- And yet you're cooking?

Well, that's the thing.

So I was hoping, you know,
if you're not too busy...

Oh, no, no. These things
practically build themselves.

Thank you. You are a lifesaver.

Actually, I could probably
use the distraction.


I asked Orson
to move out last night.

Come on, why would you bury
your toolbox in the woods?

I knew the cops were looking for it
and I panicked.

I was trying
to buy myself some time.

You may have bought 20-to-life.

- Let the guy enjoy his breakfast.
- Stay out of this, Carlos.

Mike, I want you to look at me.

You look me in the eye and you swear
to me that you didn't kill anybody.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I can't remember.

You can't remember,
or you don't want to remember?


You have got to go to the police
with all of this.

I can't. Not yet.
I need some time to think.

His wife goes missing,
then his mistress turns up dead.

What is there to think about?

I know it sounds suspicious,
but in my heart of hearts,

I can't believe that Orson
could do such a thing.

We all want to believe the best
of the people we care about.

But you cannot let your feelings
for a man blind you to cold, hard facts.

What in the world?

Oh, my God!

- What's going on?
- They just arrested Mike for murder.


They're saying he killed that woman
on the news, that Monique person.

Oh, thank God.

We're gonna break
that little girl's heart.

We've gotta do what's best
for the business.

- What if her father yells at me?
- I will defend you.

OK. But if you do,
try and be diplomatic.

I'm always diplomatic. Now just
get in there, you spineless 'mo.

Excuse me, Mr. Pearce?

So glad you could come today.
This is my partner, Gabrielle.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- [laughs nervously]

[Vern] Shall we?

So, what did you want
to talk to me about?

- Is there a problem with Amy?
- Not a problem, per se.

We're just a little concerned
that she might not have the temperament

- for pageant competitions.
- And what does that mean?

Well, when it comes to performing,
she's not exactly...

Well, when it comes to performing,
she's not exactly...

Well, she tends to be...
Feel free to jump in.

I have no idea
where you're going with this.

Well, as Gabby and I discussed,
Amy has certain limitations.

- Her odds of winning are slim.
- Vern!

He is so competitive.

I constantly have to remind him
they're just kids.

- When did you lose the joy?
- Oh, I think you know.

Wait, I'm confused.
Are you dumping Amy?

Of course not, Bill.

Can I call you Bill?

It's just, we feel that Amy would
benefit from some private coaching.

Maybe I could come to your house?
Say, Friday, 5:00?

Sure. Yeah, I guess.

Great. It's a date.

Maybe I should come too.

After the harsh things you said
about Amy, I don't think so.


I'm gonna need a good lawyer.
And that may take a little research.

And whoever takes my case
will need a retainer.

So if you don't mind,
I promise I'll pay you back.

- Oh, OK.
- Make sure he knows about my wrench.

Apparently, they tested it and found
traces of this Monique's blood.

What's wrong?

I don't know if you've picked up
on this, Mike,

but I haven't been happy.

- No, I didn't pick up on it.
- I wanted to tell you this weeks ago.

I wish that I had.
I know you're gonna think

I'm breaking up with you
over the blood on the axe.

- Wrench.
- Whatever.

But believe me, that's not it.

It's just...

...we are moving too fast.

What are you trying to say?

Well, maybe we should just take a break.

You know, date other people.

You're telling me this
on the day I'm put in a men's prison?

Well, I said the timing was bad.

I am sorry. I really am.

I just can't do this.

They told me somebody was coming,
but I did not expect it to be you.

Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?

[scoffs] I doubt it.
She dumped me today.

- What? Why?
- Well, I was arrested for murder.

Still... it's tacky.

Well, OK, then... I'll help get you out.

What's your bail?

A million dollars.

Oh. [laughs]

- You don't have to help me, Susan.
- [buzzer]

I want to.

Are you gonna ask?


If I killed that woman.

I don't have to.
I know you didn't.

I wish I was that sure.


I have these flashes where I see
her face, so I must have known her.

Maybe something happened.
Maybe I got angry.

There's an explanation for this,
and we're gonna figure it out.

Don't worry about a thing.

Miss Gabrielle! When are you gonna
come outside and watch me?

Oh, the grass, honey and my allergies.
Go ahead and practice.

Oh, the grass, honey and my allergies.
Go ahead and practice.

I'll watch you from here.

Are you sure I can't help with anything?

No, I've been a single dad
for a while now.

- I got the dinner thing down.
- Mmm.

I've got the restaurant thing down.

I can't bring myself to cook for one.

Not that I ever cooked for two.

Well, no restaurant tonight.
You are having dinner with us.

- That's sweet.
- It's the least I can do

to thank you for helping Amy.

Oh, it's nothing.


Yeah, she's a special girl.

So... how is it for you,
being single again?

Oh, honestly, um...

...I hate it.

- It's like I've forgotten how to date.
- Me too.

I let a friend of mine
talk me into speed-dating.

- How was it?
- I didn't even go in.

I sat in this hotel lobby,
watched all these lonely,

desperate single people filing in,
and then it hit me, I'm one of them.

I know what you mean.

Did you see that? It spun three times
and then I caught it!

- You didn't see.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, sweetie.

- I was distracting Gabrielle.
- Oh, no, it's totally my fault.

I'm sorry, sweetie.
Go outside and do it again.

I promise, this time we're gonna watch.

- [knock, door opens]
- Come in.

Hey. Wow, those are gorgeous.

Well, I figured you'd be too busy
cooking to manage a centerpiece.

Well, you may not be a good cook,
but you're certainly a tidy one.

Don't worry.
Dinner's taken care of.

We're having blanquette de veau
and a Grand Marnier souffl?.

That's very ambitious of you.

- And when will Bree be done making it?
- 5:30.

But I am re-warming it all by myself.

Oh, what's all this?

- Mike was arrested for murder.
- My God.

I mean, of course he's totally innocent.

I'm trying to help find a lawyer.

Oh, shouldn't, um, shouldn't
his girlfriend be doing that?

- Yeah. Edie dumped him.
- Hmm.


OK, I know how this looks,
but I just feel bad.

- He's just a friend now.
- [exhales]

Yes, yes, a friend
you sat by for six months,

hoping he'd wake up
and ravish you again.

You are the only one allowed
to ravish me these days.

So stop worrying.

Orson, it's me again.
Please call. We need to talk.

You always do the chips.
I think you're stealing money.

- Well, I'll do the chips, you deal.
- You got it.

Why has it been so long since
we played poker? I really need this.

- Me too.
- [door opens]

There's nothing more relaxing than an
afternoon of finger food and girl talk.

- Hi, ladies.
- Hey, how're ya doing?

Did you tell the police
you think Orson killed Monique?

- What?
- [Bree] No, I did not.

- And I don't plan to.
- But Mike is in jail.

You said yourself
you thought Orson did it.

I said I had concerns,
concerns that have disappeared

now that Mike has been arrested.

What? You think Mike is guilty?

Why don't we start that girl talk?

I'll get the ball rolling.
Anybody have a yeast infection?

They found Monique's blood on the wrench
Mike was trying to dispose of.

I mean, that hardly screams "innocence."

Her teeth were pulled! You don't think
that's worth telling the cops

she was messing around with a dentist?

He was slipping it to the dead chick?

Mike is innocent.
I know that in my heart.

We all have convictions.

Mike's last one was for manslaughter.

OK, OK, we've all made
some excellent points

and blown off a little steam.

Whoo, let's play some cards.

If you're sure Orson is innocent,
why don't we go through his things?

- Where's his desk?
- At his office.

- What did you think you'd find there?
- I don't know. A blackmail letter.

- A necklace made of teeth.
- We're not playing cards, are we?

- Nope.
- I'm certainly not playing with a woman

willing to let Mike
take the fall for her psycho husband.

Well, I won't be cooking dinner
for Ian's parents.

- Fine. I'll cook myself.
- Good.

Let me know if there are any survivors.

And if you take Orson back,
you do the same.


[Bree] That was incredibly awkward.

I'm sorry you both
had to sit through it.

Was it me?
Was I out of line?

- [Gabby] No way I'm taking sides.
- [Lynette] This'll blow over.

- You're right.
- [Lynette] I hope so.

Wait, you can't bet
until you get all of your cards.

- Come on in, you're just in time.
- Thanks so much, Rita.

I think it's such a good idea
that we all get together and talk...

- Wow. Wow.
- [chattering]

What is all this?

We decided to stage a protest
in front of Art's house.

- A protest?
- Mm-hmm.

Rita, I want the word "pedophile"
to really stand out.

Do we have any glitter?

Say "molester." It sounds scarier.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were all gonna talk
about how to keep an eye on this guy.

We're past talking. He's a menace.

Well, that's what we think,
but we don't exactly have proof.

The Youth Center just fired him.
How much proof do you need?

But, see, the only reason they fired him
is because people were gossiping.

And the only reason they're gossiping is
because of what I told Mrs. McCluskey.

Yeah, and you told me
to spread the word.

So that people could watch their kids
and be vigilant.

So, you wanna wait
until he molests one of our kids?

- Whose side are you on?
- [Mrs. McCluskey] Knock it off.

Remember, if it weren't for Lynette,

we never would've found out
about this creep.

She's our hero.

[door closes]

[door rattles]

[door opens, footsteps]

[TV announcer]... 42-yard line.

The give to Harris, who is hit
immediately and dropped for a loss.

- [Amy] Bye, Daddy.
- [Bill] See you. Have fun.

So I was thinking, you wanna
grab a coffee or something after class?

I'd love to grab a cup of coffee...
or something.

[sighs] Amy, you are so lucky
to have such a nice dad.

Yeah, I know.

- Leave him alone.
- Excuse me?

You heard me.
I don't want you dating him.

Oh, sweetheart.

I have a feeling
I know what this is about.

- No, you don't.
- I think I do.

You miss your mommy.

And it feels funny seeing your daddy
be nice to somebody else.

But believe me,
I'm not trying to replace your mom.

Well, I am.

And I have someone all picked out.


I want my dad to marry Sherri's mom.

Sherri from class?

We're best friends.
We have it all planned.

Our parents are gonna get married,
and then we'll be real sisters.

And your dad?
You care what he wants?

My mom died.

All my dad wants is for me to be happy.

Now, get in there
and teach me how to work the runway.

That's what we're paying you for, right?

[TV]... fights his way to the 25
for another first down,

and that should just about do it.

I tell you, with 1:12 left on the clock
with no timeouts remaining...

I tell you, with 1:12 left on the clock
with no timeouts remaining...


- [door creaks]
- [water running]

[Bree] Orson?

- Bree?
- Orson.

Why haven't you returned
any of my calls?

I was afraid you were calling
to ask me for a divorce.

[sighs] No, I wasn't.

They arrested Mike
for the murder of Monique Polier.

They did?

[Bree] The other night
you wanted a chance to explain.

Well, here it is, and I want it all.

If I find that you've left anything out,
then I will ask for that divorce.


You're working so hard, Sherri.

You must really
want to win this pageant.

- More than anything.
- Aww.

Well, I think dedication
should be rewarded.

- So I have a little surprise for you.
- What is it?

You know how the pageant
starts with a big opening number?

All the contestants
are gonna dance in pairs.

And I've arranged for you
to dance with your best friend, Amy!

- What's wrong, sweetie?
- Well...

...Amy sucks.

Well, I thought you two
were practically sisters.

We are. But she still sucks.

And first impressions are everything.
You said so yourself.

- Well, that's true.
- And this is the opening number.

If the judges see me
tripping over that klutz,

there's no way I'm gonna win.

That's a good point.
Now I wish I hadn't told Amy.

- You already told her?
- She was so excited.

Well, she's your best friend.

Why don't you just tell her the truth?
She'll understand.

What if she doesn't?

Well, friends come and go,

but a crown is forever.

I never loved Alma.

My mother pushed us together, and I
was stupid enough to get her pregnant.

You had a child?

Alma miscarried
a month after the wedding.

- I was trapped.
- Well, you could have left her.

[Orson] Mother wouldn't hear of it.
Divorce is a sin.

So I stayed in the marriage,

hoping I would come to feel
what I was supposed to.

I never did.

So I resigned myself
to a life without love.

And then I met Monique.

It was wrong. I didn't care.

I loved her more
than I've loved anyone... until you.

So why couldn't you tell me this?

Because you told me about Rex, how
he cheated on you, how hurt you were.

Bree, I needed you to feel safe with me.

So you stayed in a loveless marriage
because of your mother?

I know how it sounds.

But after my father died,
she was all I had.

His death caused me to suffer
in a way that...

I would have done anything for her.

She saw that weakness
and she ran with it.

You've got no idea
how manipulative she can be.

She ruins lives.

I've told you everything.

What happens now?


first you pack up your things
and come home,

and then we toss your mother out
on her evil ass.

God, I love you.

Hi! I'm so sorry I'm late!
Where are your folks?

They're not coming.
Their plane was snowed in at O'Hare.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Well, no harm done, then, huh?

- You're 40 minutes late.
- But they're not here.

You didn't know that.
And where's dinner?

Bree and I sort of had a fight, um...

Look, I'm awfully sorry that I'm late.
I had an emergency.

Did this emergency
have anything to do with Mike?

I'm pretty sure that Bree's husband

murdered the woman
the cops think Mike killed.

- I went to his office...
- Oh, for God's sake, Susan.

I found evidence. Look.

Orson was committed to
a mental institution for over a year.

Doesn't that suggest he's some...?

I don't care!

Tonight meant a great deal to me,
and you blew it off.

I said I was sorry, Ian.

I have to help Mike.
I'm all he's got.

Actually, you're wrong.

- He's got me.
- What?

Tomorrow I'll hire
the best lawyer in town to defend him,

and I'll pay every cent of his bill.

- You would do that for Mike?
- Yes. On one condition.

You can't see him anymore.


If you start visiting him,
he'll fall in love with you again.

Then you'll have to decide
whose heart to break, his or mine.

As jealous ultimatums go,
that's very flattering.

But I don't think that's necessary.
Mike and I are done.

Then you should have no problem
accepting my generous offer.

You would get him
the best lawyer in town?

An absolute piranha.

Do we have a deal?

Well, OK then.

You know, Mike barely remembers me.

What makes you so sure
he would fall in love with me again?


What a perfectly asinine question.

How could he not?

[crowd shouting]

God, I was only in the house 15 minutes.

- Are there more of them now?
- Yep.

[man] We don't want you
in our neighborhood!

Go ahead, say it.
I know you want to.

This is all your fault.
You should have listened to me.

I know.

But be fair, there is no way
I could have anticipated this.

You tell people
Frankenstein's on the loose,

then you're surprised to see
torch-wielding villagers?


I'm putting the kids to bed early.
I don't want them to see this.


Is that an ambulance?

[Amy] I can't believe you're doing this!

Amy, don't you want me
to have a chance?

God, I hate you! I hate you!

Don't ever talk to me again!

Hi, Bill?

I was wondering,
do you have plans Saturday night?


- Can you tell me what happened here?
- Ma'am, I need you to step back.

- OK.
- We're bringing in a female, late 30s.

Get a crash cart ready.
She's in cardiac arrest.

[crowd] There he is!

[crowd shouting]

[man] Stay out of here!

Stop it! Stop it!

You can't do this to people.
Have you all lost your minds?

Excuse us for wanting
to feel safe in our homes.

That's my home,
and I don't feel safe now.

Please, please, all of you,
just leave this street. Please!

I beg of you, go!

Just get off my street!

Please! Wait!

Wait, Art! Wait!

[crowd shouting]

I'm sorry.


[Orson sighs]

You're an idiot to take him back.

I am no longer interested
in your opinion.

- I thought I made that clear.
- Where are you sending me?

Oh, we've rented you a condo
in a lovely retirement community.

It's our Christmas gift to you.

So you're exiling me?

Cutting me off
from my new grandchildren?

That's our gift to them.

You think you can be
rid of me that easily?

It's over, Mother.
I told her everything.

Oh, I doubt that very much.

- You still have secrets, my boy.
- So do you, Mother.

And if you want them kept,
you'll keep mine.

It's me. I have some bad news.

She's taking him back.

Meet me on the corner in an hour.
We need to deal with this.

I heard about Rebecca on the news.

If there's anything I can do

to help with funeral arrangements

or help you call relatives...


You must be feeling really guilty.


Of course. I feel just terrible.

If you knew... if you could
just know how sorry I am.


You know, in a weird way...
I should thank you.

My sister was a really wonderful person.

She always saw the best in me.

But there were things she couldn't see.

Or chose not to... God love her.

- What do you mean?
- I think you know.

See, I always knew
that I had to take care of Rebecca.

So I could never let myself slip

and do something that would hurt her.

But now...

[exhales deeply]

...I'm free.

And all because of you.

- You can't stay here.
- Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed.

- Where are you going?
- Why? You gonna write?

Well... [sniffs]

...goodbye, Lynette.

You take care
of that beautiful family of yours.



[door closes]

[Mary Alice] There is a reason
people can't wait for Christmas,

and it has little to do
with family reunions.

Or curling up with a cup of eggnog.

Or that unexpected kiss
beneath the mistletoe.

Or receiving a present
from that special someone.

No, people look forward to Christmas

because they know it's a time...

... for miracles.

Hello, Alma.

Don't just stand there.
Tell me everything.