Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - You Could Drive a Person Crazy - full transcript

Susan does not know where she stands with her undefined relationship with Mike, but things get complicated when she wakes up one morning to find that her ex-husband, Karl, had a sleepover with her arch-rival: the sluttish Edie Britt. Phyllis freely expresses her grief to anyone within range, totally upstaging a very annoyed Bree. Unfortunately, that's the least of Bree's problems when the police begin to investigate Rex's death, and George Williams returns wanting to re-start his relationship with Bree. Carlos is being exploited in prison and needs Gabrielle's help to deliver money to his violent cell mate's girlfriend. She accepts to help only if she gets access to his secret bank account. Lynette, unsatisfied with Tom's approach to stay-at-home parenting, does some cunning intervention involving a stray rat. The Applewhites' secrets are slowly revealed to their mysterious captive in the basement of the house and their continuing adjustments to keeping a low profile in Fairview.

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

Why'd you let them
finger-paint before breakfast?

It's my job to clean that up now,
so it's my call.

Some households reverse roles.

Let's give this another shot.

- Some old flames...
- You want me back?

- Yeah.
...were put out.

It has to be something you're ingesting.
Who prepares your meals?

I understand you've
been having marital problems.

While some learn to forgive...

Dierdre got pregnant
before I went to jail.

- Zach is your son, isn't he?
- Yep.


...others could not bring themselves
to forget their past.

The remarkable thing about Danny Farrell

was that he had only been
a paperboy for six months.

And in that time,

he had become the enemy
of every woman on Wisteria Lane.

If there was a puddle
on someone's property...

...he found it.

If a new rosebush
had just been planted...

...he destroyed it.

If a cat was enjoying
a moment in the sun...

...he ended it.

People wondered
if Danny would ever change.

They should have talked to Susan Mayer.

She could have told them...

...obnoxious boys
tend to become obnoxious men.

Just like the one...

...she had been married to.


Karl, I see you! Just stop right there!

- Hey, Susie-Q.
- What are you doing?

Just getting the paper.

That's Edie's paper.
And this is Edie's house.

Do we have to do this now?
I haven't had my coffee yet.

Did you spend the night with Edie?

- Oh, my God.
- Susie, just calm down.

You are forbidden from seeing her again.
Do you hear me? Forbidden.

We're divorced.
You can't tell me who I can date.

I live on this street.
Your daughter lives on this street.

I will not have you flaunting
your sexcapades in front of us.

- Sexcapades?
- Forbidden!

I would love to continue this,
but it's time for breakfast.

And Edie is making me a frittata.

Well, I just bet she is!

Mrs Mayer, I gotta talk to you.

Now is not a good time, Danny.

You're a month behind in your payments.

I'll take care of it. I promise.

My dad says if you read something
and don't pay for it,

- that's the same as stealing.
- Hi, Ida. Can we talk about this later?

I just found out my ex is dating
my neighbour, and I'm really ticked off.

Save it!

I provide you a service, and
I deserve to be paid for that service!

Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane
believed Danny Farrell to be the enemy.


They also believed,

"the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Beautiful lawns.

Spacious homes.

Happy families.

These are the hallmarks of suburbia.

But if you look beneath
the veneer of gracious living,

you will see a battle raging.

A battle for control.

- You see combatants everywhere
- Off the grass!

- Engaged in skirmishes...
- Get out!

...fighting fiercely to have dominion
over the world around them.

- I picked out the tree.
- All the while knowing

it's a battle they will lose.

Oh, hey, honey, just stick that
anywhere. I'll take care of it.

Wow. It's really piling up.

Don't worry, I have a system.


Yeah. Every two days I clean.

Two days?

Yeah. I let the mess
accumulate for two days,

and then I clean until it's sparkling.

And then the cycle
starts all over again.

And why have I never
seen the sparkling part?

Well, because by the time
you get home from work,

the boys have messed
everything up again.

See, that's what I would call
a flaw in the system.

What are you doing?

I think I'm asking you
to clean the house.

Really? It sounds
like you're criticising me.


No, no, no, no.


I'm not saying it has to be sparkling.

How many times did I come home
to a mess and never said a word?

Please, don't take this the wrong way.
I think you are doing a terrific job.

But let's be clear.

When you came home,
it was to... clutter.

I mean, come on. This is...

...more than that.

Thanks. Bye.

Look at him.

Just chatting away.
It's so inconsiderate.

Phyllis, we've only been
waiting here for two minutes.

I told you when we left the house
that I needed to eat.

I have low blood sugar.
Do you want to see me keel over?

No. In theory.

Here you are.

Thank you.

By the way, Mrs Van De Kamp,

I heard about your husband's passing.

I'm so sorry.

Dr Van De Kamp was one
of my favourite customers, truly.

That's very sweet of you. Thank you.

I'm not just being polite,
Mrs Van De Kamp.

How are you feeling?

Well, Mr Pashmuti...

We're holding up as best we can
under the circumstances.

I'm sorry,
this is Rex's mother, Phyllis.

I'm so sorry about your son.

Thank you.

You know, the hardest thing
is to lose a child.

I can't even imagine.

Come on, Phyllis,
let's get you something to eat.

We had no warning.

I was doing dishes when I got the call.


Phyllis, there are people waiting, so...

Excuse me. I'm so sorry,
but my son just passed away.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.

I mean, I was telling Mr Pashmuti here,

my life is over.

My life is over!

- This is ridiculous. You know that?
- Pen.

Don't you think
I have better things to do

than to bring you cheques every day?

Cheques that I could be signing at home.

This one's dry.

You know, taking away my access
to our account, that's just vindictive.

Thank you.

Know how long it takes
to schlep out to this hellhole?

Exactly. It's the only way
I can guarantee you'll visit me.

That's ridiculous.
You're my husband. I love you.

Obviously, I would come visit.

I thought it was obvious
that when you loved someone,

you wouldn't have an affair.
I was wrong, wasn't I?

I'm getting really tired
of this song, Carlos.

Isn't it about time you forgave me?

You want my forgiveness? You got it.

My trust,
that you're gonna have to earn.

Be careful, Carlos.

Up until now, I've been
really Ionely in that big bed of ours.

But when you're rude to me,
it makes me want to be not so Ionely.

Comments like that are why you'll
never again have access to my money.

Why are all rich men jerks?

Same reason
all beautiful women are bitches.

So. Same time tomorrow?

Sure, baby.

What do you mean you know?

I mean I know.

What are you saying,
that your father actually told you

he was going to be having
a one-night stand with Edie Britt?

This wasn't a one-night stand.

He's been going out
with Mrs Britt for a few months now.


How could you not tell me that?

We share everything!

That's what we're known for.
That's our thing!

Because I knew you'd wig out.

Haven't you told me
to respect people's privacy?

I've never applied that to
your father's sex life, and you know it.

Are you done?

No! I have not even begun
ripping into Edie Britt yet.

Oh, that peroxide vulture.

I just know,
as sure as I am standing here,

that she went after your father
just to tick me off.

- Wrong again.
- What?

- He asked her out.
- You lie.

It's true. He called her
for a date six months ago.

The day after my birthday party.

- The one at the piano bar?
- Yeah.

What is it?

Your father just came over
that day and told me some stuff.

You know, some stuff that I haven't...

And can't tell you.

Wait. Whatever happened
to "we share everything"?

Isn't that our thing?
What we're known for?

Actually, I think what we're
known for is sharing clothes.

Yeah, I think that's our thing.

Why does he keep doing that?

He knows it's annoying.

He's just trying to get to us.

Yeah, well, it's working.

Knock it off down there!
Do you hear what I'm saying?

Matthew! Matthew!

Sit down!

You know we don't talk to him.

That's part of his punishment.

How can you just sit here
hour after hour and listen to that?

Well, that's part of mine.

Carlos, what is this big emergency?

I had to cancel my hair appointment
with Eduardo today.

Baby, what is it?

I'm completely freaked out.


There's this guy. His name's Richie.

And he's been saying some stuff to me,

and I'm getting worried.

Honey, you and your macho pride.

Just tell him you're flattered,
but you don't swing that way.

He's not hitting on me, you idiot.
He's threatening me.

Really? How?

He said he's gonna beat me up,
unless I come up with some money.

- Well, how much money?
- Seven thousand dollars.

- Seven thousand dollars!
- Keep your voice down.

Why would he think you have
that kind of money?

Because yesterday in a visiting room
filled with criminals,

my wife referred to me as a "rich man."

Oh, right. Sorry.

That's why I needed you
to bring the chequebook.

He's willing to take a cheque?

No! You're gonna take
the money to his girlfriend.

And if she doesn't
get it by tomorrow, I'm screwed.

Honey, I think this is a mistake.
If we give in to extortion,

the guy's just gonna keep
coming back for more money.

What choice do I have?

You're a strong guy.

You went to college on an
athletic scholarship, for God's sakes.

Yeah, it was for golf!

You have all my pants.

Yeah, I know. Come on in.

I thought when I took my stuff
back to my house, I got everything.

It's fine. They're in the garage.


So, how have you been doing?



I got a question for you.

- Sure. What is it?
- Where are we now?

- Where are we?
- Yeah.

We're not moving in together,
and we're not broken up.

So, where are we?

I don't know.

Since the guy who held me hostage
turned out to be your son,

I think logic dictates
that I should move on.

Problem is, I'm crazy about you.


So I'm thinking
we should keep it casual.


What the hell does
that mean exactly, "casual"?

Well, I don't... I don't think
there's anything wrong with us

seeing a movie once in a while.

Movie? OK. Is that it?

Jogging? There's no law against jogging.

Anything else?

Shopping. That's casual. That's fun.

Anything else we can do?
Anything at all?

Brunch. Brunch would be nice.

Sounds good to me.

All I can do
is take it one day at a time.


OK. Well...

...thanks so much for calling.

Who was that?

Someone named Allan Hanley.

My electrician?

Why were you on the phone
sobbing to my electrician?

Oh, he called
to offer you his condolences.

Then why didn't you put me on?

Well, we got to talking,
and then he had to go.

He had some very
beautiful things to say about Rex.

For God's sakes, Phyllis.
Don't you ever worry about dehydration?

Are you saying that I am too emotional?

I'm saying that even Italians
take a break now and again.

My son is dead! I'm grieving!

So am I!

But no one would ever know it
with your incessant caterwauling.

- Bree!
- People wanna know how I'm doing.

But the minute they ask, you... jump into the spotlight,
and they forget all about me.

I need consoling too, Phyllis.
Have you ever thought of that?

I'm sorry.

- It won't happen again.
- Thank you.

Of course, if you didn't
constantly suppress your emotions,

people wouldn't forget to console you.

Excuse me?

It's true. You're stoic
to the point of being cold.

I am not cold. I just...

Well, I don't like
public displays of emotion.

Well, that's fine.

But people wonder why
they haven't seen you cry.

I mean, some people actually wonder

if you truly mourn Rex.

People have said that?

A few. Yes.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Rita Rivera.

Hi. Are you Rita?

Yeah? Who are you?

I'm Gabrielle Solis.

Our husbands
are roommates at the prison.

Richie and I aren't married.

Oh, I see.

Well, your boyfriend asked
my husband to give this to you.

It's a sort of favour.

It's all there. Seven thousand dollars.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, don't even think about it.

Hello? Is there a problem?

- Lady, lemme ask you a question.
- OK.

This might seem kind of weird,
but what do you think of my breasts?

- Excuse me?
- I mean, how do they look to you?

They're... They're nice.

Thank you.

I like them too.

You're right. That was weird.

You have no idea
what this money is for, do you?

No. No, you seem
to have everything you need.

Richie wants me to get a boob job.

He wants them bigger.
He's obsessed with huge breasts.

So, are you gonna do it?

I told him if he came up
with the cash, I would.

I never thought the moron
would actually come up with it.

Not that it's any of my business,
but it's your body.

I wouldn't change anything
unless I really wanted to.

But if I don't do it, he'll leave me.

Honey, he's in jail.
How far is he gonna go?

Maybe it's time
you stood up for yourself.

Tell him you don't need the surgery.

It's worth a shot.

There you go. I'm so proud of you.

When Lynette went back to work,

she was aware her new job
would be demanding.

What she hadn't anticipated...

...was the night shift.

Hey, honey.

God, I thought I heard you
come in about an hour ago.

I did. I had to load the dishwasher.

You didn't have to do that.

Yeah, I sort of did.

I'm sorry. I've just
fallen behind at my housework.

I just had so many errands to run today.

But I'll make up
for it tomorrow, OK? I promise.

That's the beauty of my system.

It's flexible.

You know, for the sake of our marriage,

please don't mention "the system" again.

- I said I was sorry.
- What in the world?

Don't... Don't touch that.

Penny had a little
spitty-uppy on the sheets.

- You didn't change them?
- The towel's very clean.

That's disgusting.

No. It's just a little spit-up,
milky spit-up on the sheets.

I made a judgment call,
please respect that.

No, I can't respect that,
and do you know why?

It's stupid. I'm gonna get new sheets.

We are not changing the sheets!

Why are you yelling at me?

I'm not yelling at you,
and this isn't about spit-up.

- Of course it is.
- No, it's about control.

And as you and I both know,
you have some issues in this area.

Why are you fighting so hard
to sleep on baby vomit?

I'm fighting for a principle.

Being too lazy to change
the sheets is not a principle.

Know what?
You're not going to win this one.

So you better just crawl back into bed,

and let's go to sleep.

No. Tom.

- No.
- Tom.

Come on...


- Come on.
- No, you come on.

- Just get up! Get up!
- That's it.

All right, fine. Fine! Fine! Fine!

Normally, Lynette would have
spent a sleepless night

telling herself
she didn't have control issues.

But she couldn't.

She was too busy figuring out
how to bend Tom to her will.




Welcome to the Promised Land.

Go on. There.

Good job.

Betty! Betty!

Betty, can I ask you a question?

Of course.

- It's Susan, right?
- Yes, hi.

I was just wondering,

are you having some remodelling
done on your house or something?

No. Why?

Well, I work at home.

So I'm home a lot, working.

And I just keep
hearing these noises lately.

It's hard to concentrate.

Well, I haven't noticed anything.


Well, it sounds like
it's coming from your house.

You know,
it's like a clanging, clanging...

There, there!
That was it. Did you hear it?

Oh, yes. Matthew's very handy.

He's always doing projects
around the house.

I guess I just don't
notice the noise anymore.

Even at two in the morning?
Cos that's kinda hard to miss.

I'm so sorry.

Matthew is something
of an insomniac, Susan.

But I will talk to him,
and we'll put a stop to it.

Afternoon, Mrs Mayer.

Hi... Matthew.

Well, it was nice
chatting with you, Susan.

This is my third phone call,
Mr Flannery, and if someone

doesn't call me back soon,
I'm going to be irritated.

Is everything all right?

That darned insurance company
is dragging its heels

on paying Rex's policy,
and I don't understand why.

Well, he died unexpectedly,
and that brings up a lot of questions.

It's probably easier
when people are just diseased.


Hi. Hi.

- Hi, Lynette.
- I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, no. Not at all.

I saw you walk in, and I've been
meaning to call since the service,

but work's been so crazy.

So... How are you doing?

I'm all right.

- Well, you look amazing.
- Do I?


Well, I can't imagine
what you're going through.


You're going to have to stop that.

I can't help it.

When people talk about Rex,
I just get emotional.

Well, I'm very sorry
for your loss too, Phyllis.

He was my first-born.

I don't know what I will do without him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is she gonna be OK?

Yeah, sure. Hold on a second.

There we go. Feel better?

Lynette, you were saying?

- I forgot.
- That's all right.

It was really sweet of you to stop by.


So, are we ready to order,
or do you need a little more time?

I've been in the
insurance industry for 15 years.

I've never received
a phone call like this.

I'm having second thoughts
about Rex's death.

I've known Rex and Bree
for nearly 20 years,

and I've never had
any reason to suspect

they were anything
but a happy, loving couple.

Which is why... this seemed so strange.

I found it in Rex's room after he coded.

"I forgive you."

George. What are you doing here?

I'm here to kidnap you.


Get your purse.
I'm gonna take you bowling.

I don't know how to bowl.

Or to the movies.
Or for a frozen yogurt.

Whatever you want.

Thank you, but I just couldn't.

Bree, I'm sure you haven't
gone anywhere in weeks.

You gotta get out and do things.
It'll help. Trust me.

I do. I'm just...

I'm just not ready yet.

But it was very
sweet of you to think of me.

Well, you know. I tried.

And I appreciate that.

It's all right.

Let it out.

You want me to die in here, don't you?

- What happened?
- What do you mean, "what happened"?

You talked Rita out of taking the money.

Is that what Richie said?

Yeah. The subject came up
in between kidney punches.

Not my fault, she didn't want the money.

Why wouldn't she want $ 7,000?

- Because it's for a boob job.
- So?

So her boobs are fine.

And, honestly, what he's doing
to her self-esteem is just cruel.

- I feel sorry for her.
- Please.

You don't care about her
self-esteem any more than I do.

You didn't want
to give up all that money.

I do think it's silly to give someone
$ 7,000 if they don't want it.

Listen to me.

You're gonna go back there.

You're gonna put
that money in Rita's hands,

and you're gonna convince her
that life is not worth living

unless she has jugs the size of Texas.

Do I make myself clear?

I just realised Rita and I
have a lot in common.

Please don't tell me
you have low self-esteem.

Cos if I laugh now,

I'm gonna crack
the one good rib that I have left.

We're both controlled by husbands,

which is idiotic,
'cause they're behind bars.

- We should have power.
- I'm not trying to control you.

- I don't wanna end up in the morgue.
- This isn't about that.

The morphine's wearing off.

I don't have time for these games.

Me either, Carlos.

If you expect me to go back

and sweet-talk her
into getting the operation,

- I can't show up empty-handed.
- Fine.

Bring me the chequebook,
I'll make out a cheque for some cash.

See, I was thinking
I'd be writing the cheques.

- Gabrielle...
- Careful, Carlos.

You're not in a position to argue.

- Susan!
- Hey, Edie.


- How much do you hate me?
- What?

Karl said that you know
all about our dirty little secret.

- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Well, I feel awful.

I should have told you
I was doing your ex.

Well, it would have been
the classy thing to do.

Etiquette is a lost art
for a lot of people.

You've gotta believe me.

I never ever thought anything
would happen with us.

But on our first date,
Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant.

You know what I get like
when I drink tequila.

A couple of shooters
and my bra unhooks itself.

Circumstances beyond your control.
I get it. So if you'll excuse me.

Hey. Hey, hey, I am
offering you an opportunity here.

And go ahead, vent. Lemme have it.

Come on, tell me what a bitch I am
for snacking on your leftovers.

- I deserve it. Come on. Bring it on.
- Honestly, Edie, I don't mind.

You can skate off into the sunset
with Karl. Be my guest.

Well, that's good to know.

You know, I probably
shouldn't tell you this, but...

Well, we were in my Jacuzzi last night.

Karl said it was the best sex
he's ever had. Bar none.

Actually, I'm glad that you shared that
because here's a titbit for you.

Karl said he's still in love with me.

Come on. Come on.

Yep. Grab his hand. Let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Edie, what are you doing?

- You are a lying liar!
- We're in the middle of the street!

- Get out of here!
- Karl never said that.

Karl asked me to get back together
the day after Julie's birthday.

I said no, which I'm guessing
is the reason for the now-legendary

tequila bra-popping incident.
Please let go.

Oh, no. We're not finished here.

Well, yes, we are. I'm gonna go.

You don't have the guts.

In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it.

Oh, yeah? I'll key your car.

Not if you're sucking
my exhaust you won't.

- Take back what you said.
- I won't.

Admit it. You'd do anything
to destroy my happiness.

Edie, for God's sake!

Why would I care
if you end up with a man I despise?

Cos you and Mike are finished.

Yeah, word's out.

Now that you can't be happy,
you don't want anyone else to be.


What? Edie! Come back here!
We're not finished yet!

It was an accident, Karl.
Edie knows it was an accident, right?

She knows you could have killed her.

As it is, she's got a shattered tibia.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I sent roses. Did she get the roses?


- She cut herself on the thorns.
- Oh, my God.

Why'd you tell Edie
about our little conversation?

Well, she was gloating
about sleeping with you,

and I just wanted to shut her up.

So, you were jealous?

No! No.

It's just... We were married.

And she's trying to make this
tawdry little affair you guys

have going on par with that,
and it just... I got mad.

Susan, you remember the morning
you saw me with Edie's paper?

Well, the night before, I had asked her
if she'd like to live together.

And she said yes.


Just give me a moment,
I'm asking God to kill me.

Look, she's fun.
She goes with the flow.

You know, at this time in my life,
I need that.

Are you in love with her?

Would you care if I were?

I want you to be happy.

I even sort of want
Edie to be happy. I...

- But what?
- I want to be happy first.

Mike and I were supposed
to move in together, you know?

This was supposed to be my time.

I heard you and the plumber
were having problems.

Is it over?

I don't know.

It's really complicated.

So you never answered my question.

Are you in love with her?

I don't know.

But I can promise you this much,

I've never loved another woman
the way I loved you.

You walked out on me.

Yeah. But look at how far I got.

I'm just up the street.

Mommy, Mommy!

- Thank God you're home!
- Hey, sweet pea.

Why? What's wrong?

Daddy found a rat!

Did he now?


...I'm home.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

- Hi. How was your day?
- It was good.

But more importantly, how was yours?

- Parker told you about the rat?
- Yep.

Oh, my God. It was so disgusting.

I came down the steps and there it was,

sitting on the counter, eating
a leftover grilled cheese sandwich.

The sandwiches from yesterday?

OK, yes. The house has been too messy.

Obviously, my system
has some kinks in it.

But check it out,
I got my act together.

Wow! So I take it
you took the rat outside?

Oh, no. I smashed it with a shovel.

You killed it?

Not with the first blow.


Hey... little guy.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry
about what happened...

...with the shovel.

Neither one of us saw that coming.

I know it's not much consolation,
but you really helped my marriage.

That's a lot for a little rat
to accomplish in one lifetime.

Well, it's getting late, so...

...hats off to you.

So, you'd say the abuse started
a few years into your marriage?

It started so slowly,
I didn't realise what was happening.

He'd slap me over some little problem.

But he'd always apologise.

Then it got worse.

And one day, eight years ago,

my son spilled soda on our new carpet.

Before I could move to protect him,

Virgil had knocked him
on the ground and began kicking him.

I went to protect my baby,
but I didn't get there in time.

What happened to your son?

Well, he died.

I came across one of his
baby pictures last weekend.

That's when
the nightmares started again.

The last doctor I saw said
that I needed to let go of my guilt,

and then I would start sleeping again.

Of course,
that's easier said than done.

And I am getting so tired.

I'm gonna start you on nitrazepam.

That should do the trick.

Thank you.

I hope your husband
was punished for what he did.

There was retribution.

I made sure of that.

- Where are you off to?
- I'm going to see Rex's lawyer.

We're gonna go over
some details involving Rex's will.


Obviously, I am
just mortified over slapping you.

I've just been in a...

...weird place since Rex's death,
but that's no excuse.

I'm very, very sorry.

No need to apologise.

You're family.

All is forgiven.


It's been a difficult time
for all of us.

I totally understand. Now go.

You don't want to be late
for your meeting about Rex's will.

Claims, this is Joe Flannery.


Could I speak to someone
about the death benefits

for Rex Van De Kamp, please?

This is his mother.

Yes, we've already spoken
to his wife several times.

We are moving as quickly as we can.

Are you aware that
my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend?

I'm listening.


It's extraordinary, the tactics
people employ to obtain it.

Some rely on deception...

...while others engage
in outright trickery.

Then there are those
who resort to extortion.

Why do we fight so hard for control?

Because we know to lose it

is to put our fate
in the hands of others.

And what could be more dangerous?