Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 3 - You'll Never Get Away from Me - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

As one affair ends...

We don't have to sneak around.
We can have a real relationship.

...another begins.
- Edie!

I asked if she'd like
to live together. She said yes.

- And yet another...
- This is Rex's mother, Phyllis.

- Claims. This is Joe Flannery.
- Are you aware my daughter-in-law

- has a boyfriend?
...is exposed.

It won't break your heart
to leave those sad faces?

And while some people can't wait
to get out of the house,

others are being kept
there against their will.



Which one is Rex's headstone?
I always forget.

It's right down this row.

Oh, yes. That's right.

Over the years, Bree Van De Kamp
had grown increasingly concerned

over her mother-in-law's forgetfulness.

Oh, honey, did I forget to take
the pins out of that dress?

Her lapses had become more frequent...

Sweetie, didn't I tell you
I was gonna paint that chair?

...more glaring...

Oh, dear. Didn't I mention
I waxed the floor?

...and more dangerous.

Yes, Bree was worried
about Phyllis's faulty memory.

But she was more than happy
to remind her.

Especially when it came
to the important things.



So have you given any thought
to when you might be ending your visit?

- What?
- Have I become a burden?

Is that what you're saying?

I was simply asking
when you were planning to leave.

There was no agenda
behind the question.

Oh, I... I don't know.

Why don't we play it by ear.

Yes. Let's.

What on earth?

Oh, my God. What happened?

It looks like someone dug Rex up.

Well, I got that. But why?
Why would they do that?

Why, I don't know.

Unless...

Unless what?

Maybe this has something to do
with that insurance investigator.

Insurance investigator?

He came by asking
all sorts of questions.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maybe you were at the store.
Anyway, he was very suspicious.

- Suspicious?
- Oh, yes.

He has a theory that Rex
didn't die of a heart attack.

He thinks he was poisoned.

It was in that moment Bree
could finally see the truth.

Did I not mention that?

Her mother-in-law's memory was fine.

It was her soul that was faulty.

The parties took place
on the front lawn of 4347 Wisteria Lane

every Sunday afternoon.

Chloe Pendergast
would bring the tea set,

which was appropriate,
since she was the hostess.

Brittany Kreiss provided formal attire
from her mother's closet.

How are you?

And Marissa Ann McKay
invited the additional guests,

some of whom hadn't been
to a party in years.

Of course, it never occurred
to the three young girls

that while they were busy
playing out their fantasy...

...one of the older girls
in the neighbourhood

was engaging in a fantasy of her own.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Mrs Solis.

- Ralph.
- Off to the mall again?

You know me.

There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed
as much as shopping.

And even when she
couldn't afford to take anything home,

she took satisfaction in looking...

...at the merchandise.

Hey, Susan. What's going on?

It's Karl's weekend to have Julie,
and they're always back by six.

That's our custody agreement.
And it's after six.

- It's like 6.15.
- Well, see? There you go.

I'm sure they just forgot.

Well, I have a court order.
It's out of my hands.

It'd still be nice
if you gave them a grace period.

Oh, I'm being nice.
I could have him arrested.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm
all for Julie spending time with Karl.

He is still her dad, and she loves him.

- But?
- But he's with Edie!

I mean, she's not exactly
the maternal type.

I wouldn't be a good mother
if I wasn't concerned.

Who knows what passes
for a kid-friendly good time in there?

Drugs? Porn? Smoking?

Doesn't sound like they're
having an orgy in there.

Well, obviously they saw us coming.

That's a strike.

- Hey, guys!
- Hey, Mommy.

Hey! Look who's here.

Parker, guess what I got.

- What?
- School supplies.

- School supplies?
- Yeah.

And the best part of it is, I got you

a really cool backpack.

Whoa, look at that. Pretty neat, huh?

Wow. Thanks.

So on your first day of school,
you and your dad can find your cubby,

and you can hang it up.

You're not taking me?

Your dad's gonna take you
to school on your first day.

Just me and you, big guy.
I'll be right there to hold your hand.

But I thought Mommy was taking me.

Yeah, well, honey, I have to work.

Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady,

and if I miss work, I'll lose my job.

And then we won't have
any money to buy food.

Honey, you gotta believe me.

If I could be there,
you know that I would.

All right.

I didn't know it was that important.

I will talk to my boss,
and I will see what I can do.

Thank you, Mommy.

Wow, I don't wanna rain on your parade,
but he just totally manipulated you.

Well, hey, when a kid's that good,
you gotta give him his due.

An autopsy? Detective,
Rex died of a heart attack.

Well, there were some anomalies
in the doctor's report.

Anomalies? What anomalies?

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty
to discuss this any further with you.

- Am I a suspect?
- I didn't say that.

Well, if I am,
you're wasting your time.

I loved Rex, and anyone who knows me

will tell you that I was
incapable of hurting him.

You sure about that?

You talked to Phyllis!

Again, I can't discuss the case.

She's my mother-in-law. Of course
she said horrible things about me.

Lower your voice.

She blamed me
for every problem Rex and I had.

So there were problems?

It was a marriage.
Of course there were problems.

May I record this, so there's
no confusion over your statement?

- No, you may not record this!
- You refuse to make a statement?

I'm not refusing anything.
I'm saying, stay away from Phyllis!

She's a... she's a raving loon!

Ma'am, perhaps you'd be more comfortable
with an attorney present.

You want a statement?

Fine. I'll give you a statement.

My husband died of a heart attack.

I loved him very deeply.
And your mother did a lousy job!

To Bree's way of thinking, there were
two kinds of people in the world.

Those who were useless
before their morning coffee...

...and those who weren't.

What's going on?

Don't rush me, Bree! I'm an old woman.

Don't rush me.

Get her out of here.

I will tell you one thing.
You wouldn't be acting this way

if you didn't feel guilty
about something!

What's the occasion?

Our anniversary.

Oh, right.

How could you forget our anniversary?

You sit in a cell all day long
staring at a calendar!

What's the big deal?
Our marriage was a sham anyway.

- Not this again.
- In real marriages, wives are faithful.

Yeah, and husbands remember
anniversaries. So I guess we're even.

You equate forgetting
our anniversary with cheating?

You are clearly determined
to ruin this special day for us.

What is wrong
that you don't feel guilty?

- I feel tons of guilt, so back off!
- You never even apologised.

I apologised a million times.

But you always followed it up
with an excuse.

"I was Ionely." "You weren't home."
"A woman needs to be loved."

A woman does need to be loved.

And since you didn't give it to me,
I had to find it elsewhere.

So that's what the teenager
was doing in our bedroom.

Filling you with love.

Say what you want, but John Rowland
loved me like no one ever has.

Not as a trophy or as a possession,

but for me. He loved me.

No, he really did.

Let me count the ways.

Gently, savagely,

frequently, upside down...

Is there a problem here?

No. It's our anniversary.

We're just reliving the good times.

That's an amazing car.
Aston Martin, right?

Brand-new. Limited edition.

A little anniversary present
from my husband.

He's very generous.

More than he knows.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm singing at church
for the Family Follies.

Edie's going to accompany me
on guitar. She's really good.

So you and Edie are gonna be an act.

Is that a problem?

No! No.

I mean, I'm a little surprised that you
didn't ask me to accompany you first.

On what? You don't play an instrument.

I play the piano. You know that.

How would I know that?
I've never seen you play.

Well, I played in high school.

So the last time you tickled the ivories
was sometime in the late '70s?

It was the early '80s.

Well, I'm not gonna argue with you.

You want to do the show with Edie,
and I think that's super.

So she's really good, huh?

She knows her guitar.

Apparently there were a lot of musicians
in her family, like the Von Trapps.

Except, you know, her brother OD'd.

All I'm asking is to play a little ball.
Is that such a big deal?

Matthew, you are
such an excellent player,

that people will want
to be your friend.

Then the next thing you know,

God knows who will be
wanting to drop by and calling.

Sweetie, we need to keep a low profile.

Yeah, but I have got
to get out of this house sometime.

I'm going crazy here. OK?

What is it?

My daughter is singing a song at church.

I want to accompany her on
the piano and haven't played in years.

You were so amazing
at Rex's funeral the other day,

- I was wondering...
- I don't give lessons.

Oh, OK.

You have a little... on your...

I'm baking cherry pie. Excuse me.

What happened
to maintaining a low profile?

You keep being rude to everybody,
they're gonna start whispering about us.

You're right. We do want to fit in.

Lynette! Check it out.

Jason's mouth.

Stu, isn't that
the new videoconference setup?

Yeah. Isn't the resolution fantastic?

Hey, Nina.

About tomorrow morning.

You know how the first hour of
the morning meeting is always so slow?

Cos I've got this thing...

Good God! This is not
about your kids again, is it?

I know, I promised I wouldn't do this,

but Parker really needs me to be there
on his first day of kindergarten.

- He's freaked out I can't be there...
- I'm sorry. How is this my problem?

Because we can't escape
the fact that I have kids.

I love my job, but to be fair,
there's got to be some balance.

OK, how about the people
that don't have the kids?

Did you ever consider that they
might need balance in their lives?

Maybe they want to go see a matinee.

Perhaps they want to come
in late after a big crazy night out.

Or maybe they just want
to get a haircut,

which I myself have not
been able to do for two months.

So no, this is about fairness
to the people

who are childless by choice. OK?

OK. Good point.

And I'm sorry about your hair.

I can see why you're upset.

- Open wide.
- Not now, Stu.

Hang on a sec.

I don't understand.

This system is gonna let Mommy be
with you on your first day of school.

The resolution is fantastic.

The next day, Gabrielle
decided to cheer herself up

with another round
of window-shopping.

But this time, she was taken aback

by what was on display.

- Mrs Tillman.
- Mr Delfino.

I heard you were back from
the hospital. I brought you these.

I can't tell you how long it's been
since I got flowers from a handsome man.

I mean, I could,
but I don't want your pity.

Where are you off to?

I'm going back to Utah for a few weeks.

The recuperation is taking longer
than the doctors anticipated.

Speaking of my attack, have they
caught young Zachary yet?

No. Actually, that's why I'm here.

So the flowers
were just a ruse. Figures.

I'm trying to find Zach
before he gets into more trouble.

Do you know any friends he might have,
anywhere he might be holed up?

I know you were close to him.

Funny thing. Since he beat me
and threw me down the stairs,

we just don't stay in touch
like we should.

Since when do you care so much
about Zach Young?

It's complicated.

I'll bet.

I'm sure he's out there somewhere,
trying to find his father.

Which I trust you made impossible.

No. I let Paul go.
I couldn't go through with it.

That was a mistake.

He will spend the rest of his life
running from the police.

I think that's punishment enough.

Zach is the only connection
that Paul has with his dead wife.

At some point,
he will run back here looking for him.

I don't like to be negative,
but you really should have killed him.

At the risk of ruining a lovely evening,
I have some unpleasant news.

The police dug up your father today.

- What?
- Why?

Well, apparently they
want to do an autopsy.

They don't think he had a heart attack.
They think somebody was poisoning him.

- Who would have poisoned Daddy?
- Well, apparently, I'm a suspect.

Well, they always look at spouses first.
It has something to do with statistics.

It's just a formality.
I'll be cleared in no time.

Would you two
stop looking at me like that?

Obviously, I did not kill your father!
I loved him deeply.

But you and Dad had a lot of problems.
Everyone knows that.

Yes, we had issues,
but I would never have hurt him.

The night Daddy
had his second heart attack?

You loved him a lot to make the bed
before taking him to the hospital.

I was in shock, Danielle. You know that.

Andrew, surely you
don't think I murdered your father.

Oh, I know you didn't.
You're not capable of murder.

- Thank you.
- That wasn't a compliment.

It takes guts to kill somebody.

Thank you for changing
your mind about helping me.

I really appreciate it.

I'm happy to help.

And... I'm sorry
if I seemed rude before.

I... I was having a bad day.

That's good. That's really good.

You might want to lay off the pedal.

Really? Oh, I thought it made
it sound more professional.

It doesn't.

Boy, your son really likes
to play his hip-hop music loud.

The good news is it drowns out
the sound of the dryer.

Arch your fingers, Susan.

Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt. I knocked,
but I guess you guys didn't hear me.

No, we heard you. We were just hoping
that whoever it was would go away.

I'm still hoping that'll happen.

What's up, Mom?

Well, I have good news.

I've been taking piano lessons
with Betty Applewhite,

and... Well, I just thought
maybe I could join you guys.

Like a trio. Doesn't that sound fun?

I don't do trios. But thanks anyway.

Well, I don't mean to be
technical here, but this show?

I mean, it really is supposed
to be a family thing.

And I hate to point out,
you're not family.

No, but I have talent. And to most
audiences, talent trumps family.

Well, what makes you
so sure I don't have talent?

Just a hunch.

Yeah, well, we've all seen your talent,
which is a nice way of telling you,

- "Put curtains on your bedroom window."
- Guys!

Be honest. You didn't want any part of
this until you found out I was involved.

That is so not true.

Oh, yes, it is. It burns you that your
own daughter picked me over you.

She did not pick you. It just didn't
occur to her I would agree to do it.

Now she knows, and if she had
it to do over again, she'd pick me.

No, she wouldn't.

Why don't we put it to a test? Who
would you rather have play with you?

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- No, it's OK, honey.

Who do you want to be with you
in the family talent show?

Yes. Who do you want with you
in front of all of those people?

And remember, it's church.
They are going to be judging you.

OK.

Well, first of all, you both suck.

But if I had to choose...

...I guess I'd... pick my mom.

Sorry, Edie.

Fair enough.

I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.

It was you, wasn't it?

Hello, John. Long time, no see.

One of the neighbours saw
an Aston Martin driving away,

and what do you know?

Well, someone had to tend to the yard.
You were busy elsewhere.

- You saw us?
- Yes.

She's old enough to be your mother.
Hell, she's old enough to be my mother!

Joan's only 41.

Joan? You're calling her Joan?

- Why shouldn't I? She's my friend.
- I know your friends,

and you don't do to your friends what I
saw you doing to that wrinkly old lady!

OK! So you caught me doing it with
somebody else. What's the big deal?

- You're supposed to be in love with me!
- What?

How many times did you whisper,
"You're the only woman I'll ever love"?

I don't know. A bunch.

Were you lying?
Trying to get me into bed?

No, of course not.
I loved you, but we broke up.

Five minutes ago! Haven't you
ever heard of a mourning period?

I know it seems quick,
but I have feelings for her.

In fact, I think
I may be in love with her.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter? Is it the baby?

No.

Oh, no, no. It's me.

I am beyond stupid!

You're not stupid.

Oh, no, I am.

Yesterday I was still fantasising
that it could work with you,

that a one-bedroom apartment
might be cosy.

- Mrs Solis, please...
- Oh, my God.

I almost left my husband
for someone who calls me Mrs Solis.

So, are you upset because
you want to get back together?

Because I can break up with Joan.

That's OK, sweetie. I'm good.

So this is it for us?

I really feel like we
should end it better than this.

Actually, John, given how
stupid both of us have been,

this is an entirely appropriate ending.

Mrs Van De Kamp. What can I do for you?

I would like to submit myself
to a lie detector test

to eliminate any uncertainty
about what happened with my husband.

Sure you don't want a lawyer present?

I'll waive all that. My only stipulation
is that I want my children

to be able to see me
answer the questions.

I think we can accommodate you.

Is your name Bree Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Were you married to Rex Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Did you and your husband
temporarily separate last year?

Yes.

Did you kill your husband?

No.

Do you know a man
named George Williams?

Yes.

During your separation
from your husband,

did you have a relationship
with Mr Williams?

What does that have to do with anything?

Just yes or no responses, please.

Well, I'm not gonna respond to something
that's none of your business.

Mrs Van De Kamp, if you want us
to take this polygraph seriously,

answer the questions we ask. OK?

Who's George Williams?

He's our pharmacist.

During your separation, did you have
a relationship with Mr Williams?

Yes.

Are you in love with Mr Williams?

- What?
- Are you in love with Mr Williams?

No.

I... I was thinking
of something else just then.

So why don't you
ask me the question again.

Are you in love with Mr Williams?

No.

Did you see that?

Yeah. I saw it.

Hello, Susan.
Are you ready for your lesson?

Yep. I am. I think I'm gonna make
another push for using that pedal.

I think it adds grandeur.

- I wanna talk to you.
- I'm busy now.

I cannot believe you kicked Edie
out of Julie's performance!

I did not kick Edie out.
Julie made that call.

Because you played the "mom" card!

Well, it is a family recital,
and Edie is not family.

- One day she could be.
- Don't even joke like that.

How about your
plumberlconvicted murderer, huh?

He seems to keep popping up
at "family" events.

Not murder, it was manslaughter.
That's totally different.

We don't live together.
He cares about Julie.

So does Edie! She was really looking
forward to performing with Julie.

If you think Edie Britt cares
about anybody other than herself,

you are living in a fool's paradise.
You don't know her the way I do,

and the only reason she's interested
in Julie is to mess with my head.

Hey, that's both crazy
and self-absorbed.

That's a twofer! Way to go!

Whether you choose to believe it or not,
they're great together.

And if you don't believe me, ask Julie.

I'm sorry you had to witness that.

Oh, it's OK, hon.

I have lived my share
of family knockdown-dragouts.

Well, I hope it wasn't
as ugly as me and Karl.

You'd be surprised.

Parker? Honey, can you hear me?

Tom, why isn't he talking?

There are a lot of kids here.
He's a little stressed.

- Parker, say hi. Say hi.
- Mommy?

Oh, hey, honey!

This is so exciting!
Your first day of school.

You're gonna make so many friends.

Lynette. Staff meeting. Now.

Right. Yeah. I'm gonna be right there.

Now, now, now, now!

Stu, this coffee is cold.

Honey, I'm gonna be right back.

Mommy, where are you going?

Right back!

Mommy, come back.

OK, let's turn to page five.

Damn! I forgot my prospectus.

Any extra copies? No? Be right back.

Hi, I'm back. How's he doing?

Honey, he's upset because he wanted
to show you his cubby. You left.

Oh, honey, I'm here. I'm here.
You can show me your cubby now.

Nina found extra copies.
She wants you back now.

OK... I'll be back
in two seconds, sweetie.

Mommy, Mommy, don't go!

So the big issue here
is second-quarter billing.

- Where are you going?
- Ladies' room.

- No.
- Nina, nature is calling.

Lynette, hold it for ten minutes.
We have to get though this.

What I'd like to do is trade out
the invoicing structure.

Let's take a look at our graphs
on page ten, please.

Lynette had been struggling
to balance her career and her family.

She finally saw an opportunity

to tip the scales in her favour.

...badgering clients with invoices
on short-term campaigns,

- I say we bill on delivery.
- Yes!

Bill on delivery! Yes!

Are you having a seizure?

No. No, I'm just... I'm very excited.

It's a really good plan.

Yeah.

Now, what happened
on the Berman account

is that they were sent duplicate bills
by Tina and Ron in Accounting.

And I'm not pointing any fingers,
but Tina, Ron,

about walking in and seeing
all my lines lit up with disgruntled...

Hot! Hot!

Help! Stu!

That's why we packed you
extra cookies, so you could share

- with all your new friends. Remember?
- I think we're good to go now, honey.

You're gonna be great, Parker.
I love you.

I love you too, Mommy.

Bree. Hi! What can I do for you?

For starters,
you can help me prove to the police

that we didn't conspire
to kill my husband.

OK.

Because of the anomalies in Rex's blood,

the police wondered
if I'd been poisoning Rex.

Absurd. Lots of things
can cause high potassium levels.

Renal failure, low sodium...

That's why I took the polygraph,
to prove to them I was innocent.

Obviously, you passed.

Sort of.

I think the police
now have a different theory,

which is, if I wasn't
poisoning Rex on my own,

then maybe... you were helping me.

- You're kidding.
- No.

That's why I need you
to take the polygraph too.

What?

It's the quickest way
to prove the police are wrong.

I don't understand. We're just friends.

Why would the police assume
that people in a platonic relationship

would want to murder someone?

During the test, they asked me
some questions about you

and... us
and whether we had a relationship.

And I said yes, because it's true.

And then they asked me something else.
Something I hadn't considered.

Which was?

They asked me if I loved you.

What did you say?

I said, "No."

But according to the polygraph,
that wasn't exactly true.

Well, I don't...
I don't know if that means anything.

Polygraphs aren't completely reliable.

I think, perhaps,
the machine picked up on something.

Something that I wasn't aware of.

Wow.

That's why I need you to take the test
and answer the detective's questions.

I'm not gonna know exactly how
I feel until we put this behind us.

- But then once we do...
- We can move on.

Can those Cicarelli sisters dance
or what? Wow, look out Broadway.

Don't forget that we
will have cookies and juice

set up in the basement
after we're done here.

We want to see you all there.
And for our next act,

please welcome the musical stylings
of Julie and Susan Mayer.

I'll be right back.

Oh, I'm just gonna need
a couple of seconds.

So feel free to pray.

Edie, the other day, when I saw you
making music with my family,

I got a little jealous, and I went
a little crazy, and I pushed you out.

Seeing you sitting here today...

Well, I can see how much
you care about Julie,

and she comes first.

And it should be you up there
playing with her and not me.

So... I'm sorry.

Thank you, Susan.

How convenient that you decided this
after I showed up without my guitar.

Well, like I said, I'm sorry.

I wish it could be you up there.

You know, I play piano.

And so let's all welcome Julie Mayer
and her Aunt Edie.

You did a good thing.

Yeah. Well, I try.

Gimme a break.
This thing has like 90 flats in it.

Poor Julie.

Stop it. You're loving this.

No. Not at all.

Open up.

So they said you needed to see me.

What is it? What's going on?

I've been thinking.

You know, about...

...everything that happened with John.

And...

And...

...I was really selfish and stupid.

And I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

That's all I had to say, really.

You know what?

That is the best anniversary gift

that you've ever given me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Actually, the one you
gave me is really nice too.

Everyone enjoys a game
of make-believe now and then.

Of course, the ways in
which we play can vary greatly.

Sometimes we tell ourselves work
won't interfere with our family life.

- Lynette, staff meeting. Now.
- Yeah.

Sometimes we imagine
certain relationships

to be more meaningful
than they really are.

Occasionally, we put on a show,

as if to convince ourselves our secrets

aren't really all that terrible.

Yes, the game of make-believe
is a simple one.

Did you know Rex Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Did Mrs Van De Kamp ask you
to poison her husband?

No.

Did you poison Rex Van De Kamp?

You start by lying to yourself.

No.

And if you can get others
to believe those lies...

...you win.