Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 1 - Next - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

You were awfully brave
buying a place sight unseen.

It was just what we were looking for.

- Sometimes...
- Whoever said you were the father?

Didn't you think it was strange
you had the only lawn

that needed to be mowed
three times a week?

- I'm going to kill you!
...the truth about loved ones...

You asked Peterson's wife
to not promote me. I quit.

- I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad.
- We should talk about this...

- You're going back to work.
...can lead you into harm's way.

- I'm having a heart attack.
- You are gonna come through this fine.



Hello?

Rex passed away about
ten minutes ago. I'm so sorry.

Mr Delfino took
my dad away to kill him.

Now I'm gonna kill Mr Delfino.

It was an accepted fact
among the residents of Wisteria Lane

that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor.

People had seen her drunk
at sewing bees...

...the Department of Motor Vehicles...

...and the First Methodist Church.

Ida had tried to quit drinking
many times, but she couldn't.

Then one night, in a moment of despair,

she challenged God

to quench her never-ending thirst.

Luckily for Ida, God was listening.



Zach, listen to me...

No!

Not so tough now, are you?

- Bongo! No!
- Bongo!

Bongo!

It was at that moment
it occurred to Ida,

God may work in mysterious ways,

but he isn't particularly subtle.

It had been a year since my death,

and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane.

Go long!

Children had learned new games...

- Go for a long pass!
- Over here!

...new neighbours had moved in...

...old houses had been rebuilt...
- I told you guys twice.

What's going on? Let me see.

...and fresh tragedies had occurred.

In one house, a widow was getting ready

to tell her friends
of her husband's passing.

But until the time was right,
she would wait.

And life, as it tends to do,

would go on.

I look like hell. I need a hairbrush.

Yeah... That's not gonna help.

Susan?

Officer Romslo
is here for your statement.

- Zach Young do that?
- No.

She fell. Bit her lip.
It was an accident.

OK.

So walk me through what happened.

Well, I went over
to Mike's to feed the dog.

- I'm sorry?
- Feed the dog.

And I turned around,
and there was Zach Young...

And that's Zach with an H.
...pointing a gun at me.

- Keep that in.
- Understand,

Zach's had a tough time.
He's got emotional issues...

Cos he's crazy!

I don't think he meant to hurt anybody.

Hello?

He was waiting there for you
to come home so he could kill you!

Is that what happened when you
got home? Took a shot at you?

- Actually, Susan fired the gun.
- OK, that's because

I was wrestling it away from Zach
so that he wouldn't shoot you.

- There's blood.
- Could we do this later?

- She's a mess right now.
- Yeah.

- I can fill in the rest for you.
- I'd appreciate it.

- You feel better, Mrs Mayer.
- Thanks.

That hurts.

- I'm gonna get you more ice.
- OK.

Susan really flew off the handle
when she jumped the kid.

- This is a domestic squabble?
- Yeah, definitely, yeah.

Are we required to press charges?

Well, you're not really required,

but it's something you should really
consider when a handgun is involved.

John! How did you get in here?

I know where you keep the key.

Mimosa?

- I'm pregnant, you jackass.
- I made yours with seltzer.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

That little stunt you pulled could
get Carlos sent away for eight years.

Yeah, I thought you might
be a little mad about that.

But once you calm down,

you'll see that it's just the two of us.

It's gonna be awesome.

You brought luggage?

He's gone! We don't
have to sneak around.

We can have a real relationship.
It's what's best for the three of us.

The three of us?
How exactly does that benefit Carlos?

- I'm talking about my baby.
- You don't know it's your baby.

I don't know, and I don't wanna
cos it doesn't matter!

So, what, you don't love me?

Up until you told my husband
we were having an affair,

I was quite fond of you.
Since then... not a fan!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why on earth would you let them
finger-paint before breakfast?

It's my job to clean that up now,
so it's my call, right?

- Right. Sorry.
- I thought the meeting wasn't till one.

I have a thousand things
to do before that.

Borrow a decent scarf from Bree,
buy a lipstick I don't hate...

- Mommy, Mommy, look!
- No, no! No.

Nobody touches Mommy.
I love you, I love your finger-painting,

but touch me with those hands,
I cut them off.

- Go on, off. Good.
- It's OK.

- Little nervous?
- Who, me?

I've been out of work for seven years.
I'm a woman of a certain age

in a business that values youth
above all. Why be nervous?

You are experienced. You are brilliant.

You are going to nail
this job interview, OK?

Thank you. No!
I can't. You're very... So...

- Yeah.
- Thank you. Here.

Oh, my cell phone!

Lynette, hi. It's Bree.

I do hope I'm not calling too early.

Oh, of course you can borrow
that scarf. I'll press it for you.

I have some news. Rex died.

They were gonna operate.
What happened?

Apparently, Rex's heart just gave out.

Oh, my God. So when can we see Bree?

She said she was gonna call.
She's got a lot of things to do.

Planning for the funeral.
That sort of thing.

She doesn't look that busy to me.

Hi. Hi, what are you doing out here?

Oh, I'm just waiting for Rex's mother.
She's gonna be here any second.

Honey, we are so sorry.

Do any of you drink soymilk?

I was cleaning out the fridge,
and Rex is the only one who drinks it.

I just bought it on Friday.
I'd hate to throw it away.

What a waste.

- Sweetie.
- Honey, you can let it out.

No, I can't afford
to fall apart right now.

- Why?
- You're about to find out.

Bree!

Stop. Stop here! This is the house!

- Is that?
- Yes. That is Rex's mother.

I can't believe it.
It's like some hideous nightmare.

My life is over! My life is over!

It appears there's a seven-year gap
since your last position.

- What, did you take some time off?
- I was a stay-at-home mom.

- I wish it had been time off.
- Boy or girl?

A girl... and three boys.

- Four kids.
- Yeah. Of course,

they won't get in the way of the job,

because my husband's staying home
with them from now on.

I knew I could never
do both jobs justice.

That's why I chose not to have a family.

I didn't wanna be one
of those kind of women, you know,

sloughing things off onto co-workers
because of a paediatrician appointment

or a dance recital. I get really
neurotic about putting people out.

With all due respect, Nina, it won't
be an issue. I can leave home at home.

It's not gonna break your heart
to leave those sad faces behind?

Are you kidding?
This office is paradise.

Grown-ups talking about grown-up things.

No screaming, no vomiting,
no boogers under the table.

You're gonna have to drag me
out kicking and screaming.

Weekends, holidays, whenever.

All right, Ed wants
to make the final decision.

So I will bring you back
tomorrow at three for a follow-up?

Well, that sounds great. Thank you.

Lynette, be early. Show me something.

'K.

No way. Dad did not have a teddy bear.

He most certainly did.

That was Doolittle.

Your father never
went anywhere without him.

Here's your tea, Phyllis.

Look, Bree.

This was the tie that Rex wore
when he graduated from prep school.

I think he should wear it.

You know, for the funeral.

Phyllis, that's an orange tie.

Those were his school colours.
Green and orange.

Well, he's being buried in a blue suit.

Maybe he could be buried
in a different suit.

I don't think so. But thank you, though.

You... you kept Dad's old comic books?

Oh, yes, I kept everything.

Look here.

I even kept the dirty magazine

that he hid under his mattress.

He didn't think
I knew about it, but I did.

Wow. Looks like Dad
was into big breasts.

Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised
when he married your mother.

You're not gonna talk to me, is that it?

Fine. I don't need to talk.

OK, yes, I had a little affair.

It wasn't the best thing,
and I'm not proud.

It's not the worst
that could happen. Nobody died.

Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos.

OK, it takes two people.

How many times did you go off on your
business trips and leave me alone?

See, so technically, you cheated too.

It's just your mistress was your work.

No! OK, that was a stretch. I'm sorry.
Carlos, wait! Come back.

Look, I wanna start over.

We're gonna have a baby!
Isn't that what you always wanted?

Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry,
and I love you! What more do you want?

I want a paternity test.

Mrs Applewhite.
Hi, I am Bree Van De Kamp,

- and this is my daughter Danielle.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hey, I'm Matthew.

- This is my son.
- Hi.

I would have been over sooner
to introduce myself,

but I'm afraid there's
been a death in my family.

- My dad.
- I'm so sorry.

I lost my dad too. I know what you
must be going through right now.

- Thank you.
- Anyway, I'm afraid that my visit

has an ulterior motive.

The organist at our church is
on vacation, and Edie Britt mentioned

that you used to be a concert pianist...

I would be honoured to play for you.

Why don't I bring sheet music over,
and we can plan some selections.

Thank you. That's just
a huge weight off my shoulders.

- These are for you.
- How sweet.

Bree, we widows have to stick together.

Bye.

Pretending your father's dead?
Don't you find that a little morbid?

I thought it could help our cover story.
Just, you know, win them over.

Oh, sweetie, I know you meant well.

But in the future,
you leave the cleverness to me.

Since when are we protected
by Dorset Security?

We're not. It's a deterrent
in case Zach comes back.

I told Mike I didn't sleep last night,
so he got me this sign.

That guy is so supportive.

You know he's out on a ride-along
with the police searching for Zach?

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's determined
to see that kid behind bars.

I want you to let everybody know
that we got this new security system.

- Mom...
- Work it into the conversation.

- I gotta tell you something.
- Emphasize motion detectors.

- Listen.
- What? What is it?

Yesterday I overhead Mike telling that
cop that he didn't wanna press charges.

He made it sound like it was your fault.

My fault?

Hi. I need a paternity test.

We'll just schedule you for an exam.

Oh, no, no.
I don't need to take a test.

I am just trying to reassure my husband

of what I know is true in my heart.

So if you could just slip me
someone else's test results,

I can make my own.
I got Photoshop for Christmas.

Oh, come on.

You look like a fun-Ioving girl.

I am sure you've been in
a couple hairy situations of your own.

Just because I choose to express myself

doesn't mean
that I condone adultery. Sorry.

Paternity test results?

I know. I'm in the same situation.

Really?

I found out the clinic
screwed up and gave me an egg

that belonged to some lesbian.

It was supposed
to be implanted in her lover.

Now my husband's freaking out

because he thinks
that our baby's gonna be gay.

OK, we're in slightly
different situations.

Do you wanna get
a cup of coffee and talk about it?

Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks.

Yeah, us girls have to stick together.

We shouldn't let a stupid
piece of paper ruin our life.

Yeah.

Obviously, I've known Rex for years,

but when it comes to writing a eulogy,

I like as much input
from the family as possible.

Oh, well, what kind of input?

Oh, he means anecdotes. Little stories.

Isn't that what you mean, Reverend?

Well, yes. But also...

I thought that you might need some help.

Last night I stayed up all night

and tried to remember funny things

and moments that said
so much about Rex as a person.

My, how many pages do you have there?

Fifteen.

Well, you're hardly going to have
to write anything at all, Reverend.

Some of those anecdotes
are just priceless.

These are all things that happened
to Rex before he went to college.

- So?
- Don't you think it'd be nice

if the reverend devoted the eulogy
to his life after he was married?

Oh, well, yes, of course.

The reverend
will mention that part of his life.

That's the part he'll focus on.

In fact, I think three anecdotes from
Rex's childhood is more than enough.

That... that seems fair.

Well, whatever you think is appropriate.

Fine.

I just thought if we were going
to focus on a time in Rex's life,

that we might as well focus
on the happiest time.

Let's talk flowers.
Now, I know lilies are traditional.

But I think I can get you
a deal on some white roses.

If you don't call her on
that incredibly insensitive comment,

I'm gonna lose it.

She didn't mean it the way it sounded.

- I knew exactly what I was saying.
- Ladies...

The happiest time
in Rex's life was not childhood.

He loved being a husband.
And he loved being a father.

Well, he may have loved being a father,

but your marriage was a disaster.

Phyllis, is there
something you'd like to say?

You made the last years
of Rex's life miserable.

And now he's dead.

And he'll never have
another chance at happiness.

You are no longer
invited to the funeral.

- What?
- You're not serious.

Oh, yes, I am.

I am going to hire security. And those
security men are going to have sticks.

If you set foot in that sanctuary,

they will be instructed
to beat you with those sticks.

- Bree, this is your grief talking.
- If you don't back me up on this,

I will pull the funeral
out of your church.

- Bree!
- I am not kidding.

I will go nondenominational
so fast it will make your head spin.

Susan!

I heard what happened with Zach.
How are you doing?

Fine. Is Mike here?

Inside. You must have been terrified.
He put Felicia in the hospital.

- Yeah...
- Did he pistol-whip you?

- No.
- Oh, come on. You can tell me.

- Did he slap you around?
- No.

Well, don't get me wrong.
I'm thrilled that you're OK.

When someone holds someone else
hostage, they usually rough 'em up.

It wasn't like that.

- Not even a little kicking?
- Edie!

Someone to see you.

- How's it going?
- Good.

There's a rumour that you don't
wanna press charges against Zach.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Wow. I find that... confusing.

Look, if we make a big deal out of this,
he could end up going to prison.

He held a gun to my face.
So I'm thinking, good.

I've been to prison.
He couldn't handle it.

- Who cares?
- I care.

Well, you should care more about me!
I'm your girlfriend.

We're moving in together.
He's just a neighbour.

I know that deep down he's a good kid.

- Mike, he wanted to kill you.
- But he didn't.

You never asked me why Zach wanted
to shoot you. Aren't you curious?

- Does it matter?
- Zach said you kidnapped his father

so you could kill him.

- I didn't kill Paul Young.
- I didn't think you did.

Now tell me why Zach does.

I found some evidence that
suggested that Paul murdered Deirdre.

Sixteen years ago, Deirdre had a baby.

Paul and Mary Alice Young kidnapped
him and raised him as their own.

Deirdre tracked them down here
and demanded her baby back.

So Paul killed her?

Actually, it was Mary Alice.

Oh, my God.

Mike, I answered your phone.

It's the police.

Yeah, Delfino.

You did?

OK. I can be there in 20 minutes.

Zach's dead.

They want me to come identify the body.

Thanks for coming down.

Since the kid's father is missing,
we didn't know who else to call.

So you folks ready?

- It's not Zach.
- You're sure?

He had a gun in my face for six hours.
I know what he looks like.

- Can you give us a minute?
- Sure.

Zach is your son, isn't he?

Yep. I'm pretty sure.

How long have you known?

Paul Young told me.

Deirdre got pregnant
before I went to jail

and told me she had an abortion.

- Guess she lied.
- I see.

When I took Paul out to the desert,

and I was so angry,
I just wanted to hurt him...

...the way they hurt Deirdre.

When he told me that he and Mary Alice
had taken care of Deirdre's baby,

my baby...

...that rage just went away.

It kept me from
doing something really stupid.

Wow.

I'm gonna take a cab home, OK?

Mom, Grandma's leaving, all right?
You have to talk to her.

No. If you heard
the things she said...

Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch.
OK? But she's family.

So that makes her our bitch.

Let her say goodbye to Dad.

She went out of her way
to be cruel to me.

I don't want her at the funeral.

Mom, if you don't let Grandma come,
I will never forgive you!

Did I ask for your help?

You know Dad would want her there.

It's true Rex and I did
not have the perfect marriage.

But for 18 years I tried my very best.

And for that I am entitled
to your respect.

Of course you are.

Of course I respect you.

Well, then why did
you say those things to me?

I guess I thought it would
be easier to be angry at you

than to be angry with Rex.

I mean, what was he thinking,
leaving me?

I do want you to come to the funeral.

You don't know
what that means to me, Bree.

Thank you.

Someone should get my luggage.

OK, let's get out of here.

- Tom? Tom?
- Yeah?

What's the matter?

My back. I threw it out.
I was holding Parker upside down.

OK. Come on. Give me your feet.

How's that? Is that better?

Honey... can you push the interview?

I don't think I'm gonna be
able to take care of Penny.

Don't do this.
I don't have time to make a call,

and I promised I would not
let kids interfere with this job.

That was a stupid promise.

Remember that time when you were
away in Tucson and I had 104 fever,

but I still managed
to take the kids trick-or-treating?

Honey, I don't think that's helping!

Tom, being a mom
is like being an ER doctor.

There are no days off.
So get up! Get up!

OK.

Jeez, are you crying?

Just a little.

I'll be fine. Just go. Just go.

Oh, for God sakes.

Give 'em hell, honey!

You...

Parcher & Murphy.

Hi, Mrs Scavo.

Wait inside. They'll be right in.

Great. Listen...

- Stu.
- Stu.

You look like a bright,
responsible young man.

And I bet you just love kids.
Am I right?

Ed Ferrara, Lynette Scavo.

- Thanks for having me in.
- Nice to meet you. Sit.

Great. Thank you.

We're gonna have to make this quick.

I gotta leave in five to catch a plane.
I got Celtics tickets on the floor.

This is a great r?sum?.

I see you worked with the Donahues.

Yeah, I snaked the Oslo Candy
account from 'em last year.

- So you've done a lot of copy work?
- I have.

But when I moved over to Senn & Simons,

I got to do
a broader range of campaigns...

...T... V, and...

...radio...

...billboards...

Could you excuse me
for a minute? Please?

- What's going on?
- I have no idea.

You are an idiot. You're an idiot!
Absolute idiot!

Hi. Guys, I'd like you to meet Penny.

She gives me all my best ideas.

You brought your baby?

- It won't be an ongoing thing.
- You bet it won't.

It's fine. Can we get
that little lady to be quiet?

Not until I change her diaper.
Could you just give me two minutes?

- Sorry. Plane.
- Well...

Then watch me multitasking.

Here's how I see it.
You guys run a really good shop.

But if you want your agency
to go to the next level,

you have to focus on two things.

First, you've gotta win some awards.

Do some PSAs, pro bono stuff,
whatever it takes.

Because whether they admit it or not,

clients care about
what's in your trophy case.

Two, your Web site. It's the first
thing a client's gonna look at.

And it's hard to navigate,
there's no site map.

It just wasn't built for people
who grew up without computers.

There. And third...

I don't have a third, yeah.
So that's... it.

- OK. You're in.
- Seriously?

Yeah.

Take the office
across the hall. I gotta run.

Well, all right!

OK, obviously, I'm gonna clean that up.

Here it is in black and white.

It's your kid.

- What? Why aren't you smiling?
- It's not enough.

You want a Father's Day card?

The one thing I demanded was fidelity.

You still went out and screwed around.

I didn't want a child.
You tricked me into getting pregnant.

- It's not the same.
- What you did was worse!

- We're not very nice people, are we?
- No, we're not.

When we got married,
I thought we were gonna be so happy.

Me too.

Look on the bright side.
At least we're still rich.

Thank God for that.

So it occurred to me...

...that I was really rude at the morgue.

When you told me about Zach,
I was so busy freaking out,

- I never actually congratulated you.
- Congratulated me?

I know how much you've always
wanted a child. And now you have one.

- Thanks.
- Obviously, it was quite a shock.

But it's good news,
any way you slice it.

What's wrong?

So naturally, you'll be wanting to...

...have a relationship with him.

And that takes time. A lot of time.

- Susan...
- Out of all the mixed-up teenagers

in the world,

Zach is just the one kid
that I can't be around.

I can't have Julie around him.

So, what I'm trying to say is...

- We can't move in together.
- But I am so happy for you.

Really, you have a child,
and that is good for you.

- Isn't there any way?
- No.

No, I'm so sorry.

I'II... I'll see you around.

Today we've come together to celebrate

- the life of Dr Rex Van De Kamp...
- What is he wearing?

...a life filled with love, laughter...

- What?
- I left him an hour ago,

and he was wearing Ralph Lauren.

It's what Rex would have wanted.

He loved that prep school.

But whichever coat he was wearing,

Rex always brought
an irresistible enthusiasm

and a determination...

So as we mourn the passing
of Rex Van De Kamp,

we give thanks to God.

For we do not grieve
as those who have no hope,

but as those
who place their trust in God.

Wait!

Do not close that coffin.

Give me your tie.

What?

Give me your tie.

Give it to her. Give it to her!

You look... magnificent.

So it looks like Mary Alice
killed Zach's birth mother

in order to keep her
from taking Zach away.

Oh, my God.

I mean, I knew Mary Alice had
killed herself over something big,

but wow.

Can you imagine living with that guilt?

Isn't it bizarre that Paul and Mary
Alice had this secret all these years,

and we didn't even know about it?

No, not really.

I mean, what do we actually
know about our neighbours?

We can tell
if they keep their lawns nice

or if they take their trash cans in.

But when they do those things,
we stop asking questions

cos if people are good neighbours...

We don't really care
what happens behind closed doors.

It had been one year since my suicide...

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

...and a lot had changed
on Wisteria Lane.

There were new flowers,

new houses and new neighbours,

the kind anyone would want,
living right next door.

- Is that another hymn?
- I know, it's silly,

but playing those songs today
at the funeral just got me in the mood.

This is your grandmother's favourite.
Did you remember butter?

- I make up this tray every night.
- 'Course you do. I'm sorry.

Oh, look. You added a flower.

Thought it'd be nice.

How did I get so lucky
to have a child like you?

You really do try to think of others.

That flower is a small act of kindness
you thought no one would notice,

and yet you did it anyway.
It says a lot about how you were raised.

- Well, I guess you did your job.
- I guess so.

I'll get the tray. You take the gun.

It really is a lovely gesture.