Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 14 - Silly People - full transcript

While Tom tries to bond with his new boss, Karl makes Susan an offer she can't refuse. Meanwhile, Bree plays sleuth at Betty's house, and Gaby puts her house in order.

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

Your spleen wandered
close to your heart.

- Get your insurance figured out.
- There was the bad news...

There's a cop
I want you to talk to. Sullivan.

- The file on Noah's daughter.
...the discomforting news...


Are you hiding someone in your house?

- Tell me your secrets. I'll understand.
- OK.

...and the news no one should know.

But you tell me yours first.

Once a month, the
creme de la creme of Fairview society

would attend a semi-formal luncheon
at the home of Maxine Bennett.

Everyone loved these
elegant get-togethers.

Everyone, that is, but
a certain redheaded housewife,

who was convinced Maxine was a liar.

You see, Maxine liked to brag
that she did all her own cooking.

And because each course
was served promptly,

- presented with flair...
- It smells delicious.

...and was positively mouth-watering,

Bree knew Maxine had had some help.

- Thank you so much.
- And sadly for Maxine,

Bree intended to prove it.

Once again this entire lunch
was just out of this world.

I just have to get the number
of your caterer.

What a nice compliment.

No, I'm afraid this was all my doing.

It was an absolute triumph.

Come on. Do you honestly
expect us to believe

that you had the time to prepare
a six-course meal for ten women?

Even I couldn't make this
and have time to get ready for a party.

Well, perhaps you're just
not as organised as I am.

If you'll excuse me...

Bree, what's gotten into you?

I have the same recipe
for English plum pudding.

It takes six hours to prepare.

How would she have time to make all this
and everything else we ate today?

This is not the pudding
of an honest woman.

FBI. Open up!

What on earth?

- We're looking for Maxine Bennett.
- I'm Maxine.

We have a warrant
to search the premises.

A warrant?
I'm in the middle of a luncheon.

Over here.

Found her.


Maxine Bennett, you're under arrest
for involuntary servitude.

- Is this the woman who locked you up?
- Yeah.

Bree, what's going on?

Well, I'm not sure,
but I think Maxine had a slave.

I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.

But Bree could.

You see, for her,
the proof was in the pudding.


The world is filled
with unlikely friendships.

Odd pairings that,
to the casual observer...

...make absolutely no sense at all.

But if we look closer,
we can see why these alliances form.

After all, a shared purpose

can give even mortal enemies
common ground.

- Bree? We have a question for you.
- Oh, what is it?

We were just wondering...
We were curious about...

What the hell's going on
with you and Betty Applewhite?

Excuse me?

When the dead body showed up,
nobody was yelling,

"The Applewhites are involved!"
Louder than you.

The next thing, you're having
Betty over for poker?

- What gives?
- She makes us sound angry.

- We're not angry.
- I am.

Can we talk about this later?
I have ice cream in here.

Could this flip-flop
have something to do with the fact

that Danielle's dating Matthew?

I knew that would get her.

Who told you that?

Mrs McCluskey saw them
making out in the park.

- Edie!
- What?

- Can't you sugar-coat it a little?
- I did.

He had his hand down her shirt.

Bree, we know you have a reason
for wanting Betty to hang out with us.

We just wondered
if you could clue us in a little.

When it comes to Betty Applewhite,
I know what I'm doing.

You two are gonna have to trust me.

And if you can't do that,

then I've overestimated
the depth of our friendship.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

What a bitch.

- Edie, can you?
- I was sugar-coating it.


None of that in here.

Maybe if we remind Ed that
I'm shacking up with the senior VP,

- he'll stop killing my pitches.
- It's been a week.

- Give yourself a break.
- Honey, you know the ad game.

I got a short time to make my mark
before he kicks me to the kerb.

Look, I'm just asking you,
jump in every once in a while,

throw me some rope
when Ed's on the warpath.

I can't protect you. You'll have to
find a way to click with Ed yourself.

Then the pig, he rubs
his stomach, and he goes:

"Farm Fresh bacon will
make a piggy out of you too!"

So... the pig actually eats the bacon?

- Yeah.
- I don't see the client

doing a happy dance
over the whole cannibalism theme.

Why don't you pitch them the other idea
you came up with last night?

Where people love bacon so much
they want to keep it a secret.

What? Like a secret underground
society of bacon eaters?

Like my college fraternity,
everybody wanted in,

but we only took the coolest guys.

- You were Greek?
- Yeah, Alpha Tau Omega.

- I was Phi Kapp.
- You?

I don't remember you having
to be that cool to pledge ATO.

If I had a nickel for every Phi Kapp
that I tied naked to a freeway sign...

If you were my pledge,

- I'd have made you my bitch.
- You think so?

You know what?
I'm liking this whole fraternity angle.

Let's talk about it over lunch.
You're buying.


- Thanks for your help.
- My pleasure.

Hello. What's going on?

Gabrielle, I want you to
meet someone. This is Xiao Mei.

The young lady who was
forced to work for Maxine.

Oh, the slave.

Wow. Looks well-fed.

The church is arranging
for her return to China,

but until then
she needs a place to stay.

So I offered up our guest room.


Baby, can I talk to you for a second?

- Are you nuts?
- It's only for a couple of days!

This time! You are quickly becoming

Father Crowley's go-to guy
for charity cases!

And that's a bad thing?

When he turns our house into
a Catholic Underground Railroad, yes!

You know who you are?

The kind of person who'd have
turned away Mary and Joseph.

Well, they should have called ahead!

Don't brush your hair at the table.

You're talking to me?
Does this mean you've forgiven me?

Why should I? You betrayed this family,
and you're not even sorry.

- Don't be such a drama queen.
- If the Applewhites go to the police

and tell them your brother
ran over Mrs Solis,

he could go to prison!

- How can you not understand that?
- They won't, as long as you

- don't go to the police about Caleb.
- What did this Caleb do, exactly?

And why on earth are they hiding him?

Go to Mrs Applewhite and tell her
you need to know what's going on.

I bet if you were really nice,
she'd tell you the truth.

Is that what you really think, Danielle?

I should go to Mrs Applewhite, be nice,

and then she'll hand over
all her secrets?


When I was young, my stepmother
told me that I was very lucky.

I possessed beauty,
wit, cunning and insight.

These were weapons all women
needed to survive in the world.


So take good care
of your looks, Danielle.

You don't have any other weapons
at your disposal.

Hi. I need an operation on my spleen.
I just found out I don't have insurance.

Is there anyone I can sue?

After the embezzlement,
Lonny let the policy lapse.

And now he's in jail,
and I'm gonna die!

You won't die. I'll get into it
with the insurance company.

There isn't time to deal with red tape!

My spleen is going
careening into my heart.

I need that operation now.

I'd loan you the money myself,

but Edie and I just plopped down
our savings in a ski condo.

I don't need a loan. I need coverage.

I mean, what if there are complications?

I don't have a safety net! Please.

- What in the hell are you doing?
- I'm saying a little prayer.

For puke's sake.

What? I'm desperate here.
Do you have any other ideas?

As a matter of fact, I do.

- What you need is a husband.
- What?

The only way to get a good health plan
is to marry into one.

- Edie, come on.
- No, no, I think she's onto something.

Yeah. If we find a guy
with the right plan,

you could have a sham wedding
on a Monday night

- and be covered Tuesday morning.
- I can't believe you're considering it.

The surgeon is slicing me open
a week from tomorrow.

What other choice do I have?

All we have to do is find a guy
who's willing to marry you.

You know, come to think of it,

a little prayer might not
be such a bad idea, after all.

Pat, we're all here, so send the call
in as soon as you get it.

Two hundred bucks says you can't
do that three times in a row.

You catch three of those, 200 bucks.

- What do you say, there, Scavo?
- You're on.

Here we go.

Thrown by me.

I thought we were here to talk
about the Farm Fresh rollout?

They gotta be catchable, big guy.

Let me worry about the shooting.

Come on.

- That's one.
- Guys...

Nice moves.

- One more, big guy.
- Guys, please... All right.

That wasn't even catchable!

Maybe not, but it was
totally worth the 200 bucks.

Well, you got me.

You're a regular little monkey man.
I love this guy.

Oh, hi.

Do you have to sit around all day?

Shouldn't you experience
Western civilisation

while you have the chance?

What are you doing?

- I fix.
- No, this is couture!

This rip has to be fixed
by an experienced tailor.

You can't just... Holy crap!
This stitching is perfect.


Did you make all of this?

For me?


- Oh, my God.
- You like?

I like a lot.

You like that?

Yeah, it's nice.

You know what they do to people in China
who speak out against the government?

They put them in forced labour camps.

Isn't that awful?

No, I mean, it's such
a repressive regime.

We forget how good we have it.

Yes, we do.

Don't you think Xiao Mei
would like it better here, in America?

I mean, where she could learn
about freedom and democracy and stuff.

Does this have anything to do
with you making Xiao Mei do housework?

- What?
- I found her waxing the floor.

She told me you asked her
to put on two coats.

Well, first of all, that was her idea.

Second, I can't have this conversation
until you've tasted her crab puffs.

She just got done being a slave.

She wants to go back to China.

We can't force her
to stay here and be our maid.

Who's forcing her?
We'll pay whatever she wants.

And the best part is, with her r?sum?,
any wage will look good.

No way, baby.



What, so you don't get
what you want, you walk off and pout?

This isn't about me.
This is about our great nation.

I have no intention of satisfying
a man who isn't willing

to stand up for and help spread
the ideals and values

of the United States of America.

Sometimes she is a little hard
to stomach, but she means well.

- There she is!
- Hi!

I came as soon as
I got your message. Is this?

This is Gary Grantham,
your future ex-husband.

- Wow. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

I've gotta meet a client. I've gotta go.

So just talk amongst yourselves, and
you two make a very handsome couple.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So do you wanna get married
on Wednesday?

Cos Thursday and Friday,
I'm out of town.

Oh, yeah, sure. Wednesday's great.

I'm just curious.

How did Edie convince you
to do this so quickly?

She explained your situation.
I'm in need of a fake bride.

- So I figured, "What the heck?"
- Why would you need a fake bride?

I'm gay. And I've never
come out to my mother.

- Really?
- Yeah.

At first I just
didn't want to upset her.

She got older,
got emphysema and diverticulitis.

I started thinking
if I just kept my mouth shut,

one day nature would take
its course, and we could avoid

what was sure to be a very ugly scene.

So, what changed?

She told me at her 81 st
birthday party last month,

the only reason she's hanging on
is to see me get married.

So by marrying me...

Yeah, I get my inheritance
that much sooner.

But mostly I want to
make sure she's happy.

Well, you seem very nice, Susan.

It will be a pleasure
being married to you.


You can finish the rest of the fries.

Here's your mail and your pills.

More pills.

Miss Tillman?

Where did this come from?

I don't know.
It was in with your other mail.

Get me the phone.

Sullivan, it's me.

I just got some news,
and I need to get you involved.

Looks like Delfino's
been holding out on me.

The next morning,
Bree came up with a plan

to get to the truth
she so desperately needed.

As she watched the Applewhites
leave their house,

she thought of how much
she had trusted the previous owners.

And how much they had trusted her.

Caleb, is that you?

Hi. I'm Bree.

I live down the street.

I'm a friend of your mother's.

- She's not home.
- I know.

- I came to see you.
- Me?

Yes. Your mother told me all about you.

And I thought it might be nice
if we had a little visit.

I brought you some homemade cobbler.

Right here. Follow the doughnut, people.

Here we go. We got the people. Come on.

- What's going on?
- Well...

...Ed bet Tom that he wouldn't
eat a doughnut out of the toilet!

- I can't believe it.
- Isn't it disgusting?

No, it's gotta be fully dunked.

I don't want the glaze
to repel the water.

Slight delay.
I'm requesting a scrub-down.

Does anybody know
where they keep the toilet brush?

One second. I never thought
I'd have to ask you this,

but are you eating a doughnut
from the toilet?

Yeah. For the
Galveston Jewellers account.

I don't care. You're not gonna do this.

You told me to find
a way to click with Ed.

Well, now we've got our thing.
And it's paying off for me.

Because Ed gets off on humiliating you.

Please, don't do this.

We're waiting, Scavo.

This is my moment.

So, Caleb,
besides your mother and brother,

does anybody else
know that you're here?


You're pretty.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

So where have you been living
this whole time, upstairs?

No. I just moved upstairs.

- My room's downstairs.
- Downstairs?

In the basement.

You want to see it?

Caleb, have you been down here
all these months?


Did your mother make you wear those?

Most of the time.

Oh, my God.

Sweetheart, I don't understand.

Why in the world would your mother
treat you that way?

- I hurt a girl.
- A girl?


And then she died.

Her name was Melanie.

She was pretty.

Just like you.


I thought you should know
I'm getting married.

- To the doctor?
- No! No.

No, to a gay guy.

- How did you know about the doctor?
- People talk.

- You're marrying a gay guy?
- I need health insurance

because I've got this wandering spleen,
and... that sounds funny.

"Spleen, wandering,"
but actually, it's not funny,

because it can bang into things.

I need health insurance,
so I'm getting married tomorrow.

You probably think I'm crazy, right?

Well, can it wait? The surgery?

No. It can't wait.

Guess it's really not that crazy.

How're you doing, ma'am?

- Could you just give me a minute?
- Oh, yeah. No, I'm sorry.

That was really it.

- What do you want?
- It's not what I want, Delfino.

It's what Noah Taylor wants.
Where's his grandkid?

Let's skip the part where you
don't know anything about anything.

Mr Taylor wants to chat.

What if I say no?

Then I've got to find the kid myself.

My guess is he or she
is somewhere around here close.

Your old girlfriend,
she's got a daughter, right?

Maybe I should start
by paying her a visit.

- Her daughter's not the one.
- Yeah, well,

given your track record, I might want
to check that out for myself.

Tell him I'll be there in the morning.

Oh, so pretty.

You like nice things?

That's why I think you're stupid
for not wanting to stay here.

You could be around my nice things
all the time, taking care of them.

How fun would that be?

Well, I'm sure it's a lot more fun
than you'd have

in that tiny godforsaken
village of yours.

You know, we're probably
more alike than people would guess.

I'm from a small town too.

My folks had nothing.

That's why I love America.
Anything is possible.

You like that?

Well, an old, fat stockbroker
gave this to me.

It's not worth anything.
You can have it.

OK. Glad you like it.

You can brush my hair.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's the best I could do
on such short notice.

- OK.
- OK.

Oh, Susan, this is my best man, Steven.
He's also my life partner.

Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

Baby, be... be nice.

- I'm sorry you have cancer.
- Cancer?

Isn't that the point
of this whole charade?

Gary said you needed insurance.

Yes. No. I do need insurance,
I just don't have cancer.

I have a wandering spleen.

I said it was like cancer.

Is there a problem?

No. Everything's fine.
Let's just go to the chapel, shall we?

I made a wedding cake.

I hope you enjoy it.

So... are we ready to get started?

Do you have a thing to play music?

I had Steven burn
a little wedding mix for us,

- for ambiance.
- Sure. Just give me a sec.

Do you have a problem?

You said she was sick!

She is. She has a wandering spleen.

It sounds nothing like cancer.
It doesn't even sound real.

- Well, it is. I could die.
- You look fine to me, honey.

Don't do this.

I have asked you six times to fly
with me to Holland and get married,

and you always have some lame excuse.

But the second some chick
with a silly disease comes along,

you drop everything
and head for a chapel.

No, it's a serious illness.

It sounds silly
because of the word "spleen."

- What do you want?
- Worry about my feelings

half as much as you worry
about your mother's.

What will make you happy?
Not have the wedding?

- Is that what you're asking?
- No, stop right there.

I would love to see you two crazy kids
get hitched in Holland more than anyone.

The tulips, the clogs, in front
of a windmill, the whole shebang.

But unless I get this surgery,

my spleen is going to slam
straight into my heart and explode.

Seeing as how I'm just a nice person
and I always support gay rights,

let's just do this.

Then I'll have a husband
and insurance, and nobody gets hurt.

Come on. Steven...


- He's just...
- Yeah.

I'm so sorry. My hands are tied.
I'm really sorry.

Steven, wait! Steven! Where are
you going? What are you doing?

I finally got the sound system working.

Where's the groom?

Hey, Susie Q.

What's wrong? For a newlywed,
you don't have much spring in your step.

- I didn't get married.
- Really?

I got to the altar, but the whole
fake wedding thing sort of imploded.


I'm sorry.

I still don't have insurance.

I need to get that operation. I'm...

I'm really screwed.


...why don't I just marry you?
- What?

I've got a fantastic health plan.
You'd be covered instantly.

No... we were actually married.

Look, I've always felt awful about
walking out on you the way I did.

And I figure if we do this,
I'd basically be saving your life.

I figure I owe you one.


So, what do you say?

Will you marry me, Susan Mayer?


What the hell.


- What about Edie?
- We can't tell her.

- She'd kill us both.
- It'd be our little secret.

We've really enjoyed
having you as a guest. Right?


Xiao Mei, you are a very special girl.
So... so you take care, OK?

- Thanks for all your help, Carlos.
- My pleasure, Father.

- Bye-bye.
- Ladies...

Don't tell me you're crying, because
you can't have the maid you want.

Carlos, she wouldn't
have been just a maid.

She would have been
the best damn maid ever.

- God, you're pathetic.
- Shut up.

Hey. Something's going on.

Father Crowley!

Is there a problem?

Xiao Mei doesn't want
to go back to China.

She wants to stay here and work for you.

What? Why?

She says Mrs Solis treated her with
more kindness than she's ever known.

She now thinks of you two as family.

Oh, really?

Oh, of course, you can stay!


Carlos, she thinks of us as family.

I'm ready for those Farm Fresh concepts.
Conference room in five...

...toilet boy!

- You're not allowed to complain.
- You were right.

I'm known throughout
the advertising world as "toilet boy."

Tell him you're done with games.
You don't want to play anymore.

I can't. If I back down now
he'll see it as a sign of weakness.

This is the way that guys do business.

- But...
- So he called it.

He made me his bitch.

Come on.

Here you go.

I've been thinking, we've had
a lot of fun around here lately,

but maybe it's time to set a slightly
more professional tone in the office.

Oh, I get it.

- Somebody went running to mommy?
- What?

Tom loses a few bets, so he tries
to get his wife to make me back off?

Oh, this is so Alpha Tau.

I am gonna make him pay.

No. No, you're not gonna make him pay.

You're gonna stop this now.

This is my company.

If people want to work here,
they play by my rules.



I'm calling you out.

Yes, this is your company,
so I'll play by your rules.

What do I have to do to get you
to stop this frat boy crap?

Shave my eyebrows?
Come to work naked? Name your stakes.

- I don't have time for this.
- What's wrong, Ed?

Afraid a Phi Kapp's
gonna be beat by a girl?

Come on, big man.

It's just a little bet.

As you know, I think that making
the workplace fun is good for morale.

But Lynette here thinks
that our shenanigans

have gotten a little out of hand.

Hold on, hold on.
I respect Lynette's work ethic.

So we've decided to settle the matter

with a little test
of intestinal fortitude.

If she can eat
one pound of our client's

fine Farm Fresh pork product raw...

...there will be a moratorium
on wagering in the office.

You're doing this for me.
You don't need to.

- I don't need you fighting my fights.
- I am not.

This is my fight.
This is how guys do business, right?

I gotta see this.

This is so disgusting.

We're counting on you.

While we're young.

Go, girl.

No shame in defeat, Lynette.

No shame at all.

Go, girl.

I cannot believe that.

This is too much.

What? She took the bet!

This is fun, people!

She has one more.

- Too much.
- Did she do it?


...can this be a place
of business again, Ed?

No more games?


You sucked all the fun
out of it, anyway.

- Gotta get back to work.
- Let's get out of here.

That was really something.


Could you scrounge me up a bucket?

Caleb said a nice red-haired lady
came to visit him.

Come on in, Betty.

Get you a drink?

This is not a social call.

Did you or did you not
break into my home and talk to my son?

Caleb and I had a very lovely chat, yes.

If you come near him again,
there will be hell to pay.

Do you understand?

Aren't you gonna ask me
what we talked about?

The name... Melanie Foster came up.

I'm gonna pour you a drink now, Betty,

because we're about to have
a very honest discussion,

and I think you're gonna need
a little help getting through it.

His name is Zach Young.
He lives with his father.

Mother committed suicide
about a year ago.

How did he end up with these people?

How do you think?
Deirdre was strung out.

She gave him up.

I want to see this boy.

He has a family. I can't snap
my fingers and get him here.

But I can snap my fingers, and
Detective Sullivan can make it happen.

- You don't want to.
- No?

Is that how you wanna meet him?
Have that thug drag him here

so Grandpa can give him a hug?

Fine, you bring him.
I'll give you two days.

As you know,
I'm on a bit of a clock here.

When Caleb was born,

and the doctors discovered
that he was different,

I didn't even cry.

It was the most painful
moment of my life.

I didn't shed a single tear.

I just thought to myself,
"What's the point?

He is my son, and I have
to raise him as best I can.

Now, that's my job."

In a lot of ways, I feel so blessed.

Caleb is challenged,
but he has such a sweet nature.

I'm sure you noticed that
when you came to visit.

Yes, I did.

I also noticed that you had
him chained in the basement.

That's because of Melanie Foster.

Melanie was a girl that Matthew dated.

She was a debutante.

And like typical teenagers,
their relationship was full of drama.

They were always breaking up,
getting back together, breaking up.

One night, after one
of their big blowups,

Caleb somehow convinced Melanie

to meet him down
at our local lumberyard.

I can only imagine
that she thought he was bringing

some kind of apology from Matthew.

But he wasn't.

Caleb told Melanie
he was in love with her

and that if he was her boyfriend,
he would never break up with her.

And she laughed in his face.

He tried to show her
he was serious by kissing her.

And she hit him.

He doesn't remember a lot after that.

But he does know
that he got very, very angry and...

And that there was an axe
lying on the ground nearby him.

Yes, my Caleb killed Melanie.

But I couldn't let him go to jail.

Or worse, be put down,
for what was really my crime.

Your crime?

It was my responsibility.

I was supposed to
protect him from himself.

I am his mother.

That was my job.

The world is filled
with unlikely friendships.

How do they begin?

With one person desperately in need

and another willing
to lend a helping hand.

When such kindness is offered,
we're finally able to see the worth

of those we had previously written off.

And before we know it,
a bond has formed,

regardless of whether
others can understand it.

Yes, unlikely friendships
start up every day.

No one understands this
more than the lonely.

In fact, it's what they count on.