Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 13 - There's Something About a War - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

If you come between me
and my husband, I will take you down.

Bring it on.

- Gabrielle threatened a nun.
- You're good to go.

Susan hit on her doctor.

So you came to ask me out?
Cos I'll say yes.

And Bree's daughter
let her intentions be known.

It's amazing how far
we're willing to go...

Andrew, give me one reason
why I shouldn't call the police.

- Because I'm your son.
...all in the name of love.

If there was one thing
Edie Britt understood,



it was the nature of war.

After two failed marriages
and countless rocky romances,

she had learned
that love was a battlefield.

And the easiest way
to survive the carnage...

...was total surrender.

I was thinking a vacation to Rome
would be so romantic.

Vegas is cheaper.

Oh.

Could you put your underwear
in the hamper?

Can you do it?
You're standing right there.

I've got a hankering
for Chinese food tonight.

Oh, I'm so over rice.
Let's do pizza.

But the day comes for every soldier

when she must take a stand...



- What do you think you're doing?
...and fight.

It's time for my game.

I want to watch my movie.

Edie...

...this is important to me.

Fine. I have stuff to do anyway.

You see, when it came to men,

Edie had a battle plan all her own.

Got five minutes for Edie?

Wow.

That's some knot you tied.

Yeah? Well, it's no fun
if it's not tight.

You know what would be hot?

Whipped cream.

Oh, you are so bad.

Oh, you have no idea.

Yes, Edie Britt
understood the nature of war.

Edie, it's been ten minutes!

Where's the damn whipped cream?

She also knew that to the victor...

Edie! Edie!

...go the spoils.

The guest bedroom on
the second floor of the Applewhite house

had the best view
in all of Wisteria Lane.

From its windows, one could see

from Mike Delfino's house
on one end of the street,

all the way to the old Huber place
on the other.

But unfortunately
for the room's newest guest,

the view was about to change...

...dramatically.

What on earth is he doing out?

Caleb, go to your room.

Mom and I gotta have a talk now.

His room? Have you lost your mind?

Relax. I've taped newspapers
to the windows. People can't see in.

- Get back here.
- We talked.

He understands what will
happen if he's discovered.

For five seconds
he understands and then he forgets.

We can protect him without
treating him like an animal.

I am keeping him safe.

From the police, from the Fosters,
from himself...

He is not going back downstairs!

Since when do you talk to me like that?

Since I share in the risk.

I have a few announcements.

I'd like to acknowledge Mrs Herbert
for spearheading the potluck dinner.

Her hard work and tuna melt...

She's adorable, isn't she?

She's OK.

The Women's Ministry will...

- Ours will be gorgeous.
- Knock it off.

- Knock what off?
- Babies, babies, babies.

You sound like a broken record.
I just had a miscarriage.

It'll take time before I'm ready
to get pregnant again.

Any idea when you'll be ready?
Ballpark?

Stop it! Let's just enjoy
the here and now.

We're together, our marriage
is back on track, life is good.

Before we wrap up, we have a dear friend
back from her missionary trip

to tell us about her experiences,
Sister Mary Bernard.

Son of a bitch!

Danielle?

- Honey, are you in there?
- I'm doing homework.

Really? I'm holding your backpack
with all your books.

Hold on.

Thanks, Mom. I was doing
a little research online.

While I'm here I'll grab your laundry.

- No, please, not right now.
- Honey, stop complaining.

One day you'll wish that someone
were offering to do your laundry.

Danielle, question.

Is there a black man
hiding under your bed?

What's going on?

I thought you should know
that I found your son

hiding underneath my daughter's bed.

And it just seems to me that...

Inside, right now.

I apologise for my son's behaviour.
It won't happen again.

I put the house up for sale,
and we're moving.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

- How's it going?
- Oh, not good.

I am trying to salvage the pitch

from the Black's Frozen Yogurt
campaign.

- You know what kills me?
- Yeah?

Here we are at T minus nine hours
and 11 minutes

from the biggest pitch
in our company's history,

and I have nothing
even vaguely presentable.

- I'll get the coffee.
- Thank you.

So, you wanna... You wanna go over it
and toss some ideas around?

No, that's OK.
I know you're exhausted.

You should go to bed.

Come on, honey.
Let's do this, let's nail this sucker.

What do we got?

We've got nothing.

OK, OK.

"Black's Frozen Yogurt: Let
your taste buds come in from the cold."

OK, whatever,
I'm just knocking the rust off.

I can do better than that.

"Black's: The fro-yo
that makes you go whoa."

Come on, I'm sorry,
I just really need to focus here.

"Black's Frozen Yogurt:
Because our cows are better."

Or, no... Or, "Frogurt. Frogurt!
It's fun to eat, fun to say."

- That's actually good.
- Really?

No, the cow part. That could work.

We'II... We'll make them into
characters, we'll humanise them and...

Oh! I know! I know!
Celebrity cow spokespeople.

Yes! Yes! That's exactly
what I was thinking.

You know, like, make them
into famous characters.

Like... Reverend Moonie.
What do you think of that?

They can't all be gems.

Oh.

- Thank you, I had a fabulous time.
- Me too.

Well, I guess I better get going.

Oh, well,
Julie's staying at her father's house,

- and I'm... I'm all alone here.
- Oh.

Yeah. Sometimes it actually
makes me a little nervous.

Turn the TV on. That's what I do.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I forgot, I have a bottle of wine.

It's already chilled,
right in the refrigerator,

and that'll just really relax me.

Right, that's good.

So we're still good for Thursday?

Yeah. Yeah, Thursday's great.

So...

...good night.

- Do I just repulse you?
- No! Why?

We've been on three dates,

and you just keep acting
like a perfect gentleman.

And...

...it's getting a little old.
- OK, make no mistake,

I'm inches from ripping off
your clothes right now.

- And you're stopping yourself, why?
- I'm still your doctor,

and it's not quite ethical yet.

- Oh. So why are we dating?
- Look, it's only temporary.

Once you're well and I'm done
treating you, all bets are off.

OK.

- Oh, what the hell.
- Oh...

OK, that sort of felt unethical.

Oh.

- Thank you for meeting with me.
- Sure.

I'd have invited you into the house,
but the place is a real pigsty.

Carlos, I'm a nun, not a moron.
I know Gabrielle despises me.

She's just jealous of you, that's all.

Of me? Well, isn't that silly.

She refuses to believe
that I can connect with anyone

on a spiritual level.

We do have an amazing connection.

That's why I wanted to talk to you.

When I saw you at church,

I could tell instantly
you were unhappy.

OK. Maybe I have been
a little down lately.

Tell me.

It's the whole
having kids thing again. I...

Sister Mary, I just...
I want them so bad.

Gabrielle still refuses
to give them to you?

To be fair, she did have
a miscarriage recently.

What if she decides against kids?

- What if this is just a stall tactic?
- Then I'm screwed.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.

You're screwed.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

"An American Catholic's
guide to annulments."

What exactly are you saying?

I'm saying, God helps those
who help themselves.

Hey, I got great news.

We just landed
the Black's Frozen Yogurt account.

Really? They loved the pitch?

The talking cows rocked their world.

Hey, how did they like my
President "Bull" Clinton idea?

Well, I rewrote
some of the stuff we worked on,

but, you know, essentially
it's the same, and they ate it up.

Oh! That is fantastic.

Yeah, and Ed said we can finally
afford to hire another executive.

Did they like the promotional plan

sponsoring the cow-tipping contest?

Well, the pitch was running long,
so we cut a few things.

- I'm just glad they loved my idea.
- Well, to be fair...

They like Hugh Heifer
and the Playcows?

They're calling me for a meeting.
I gotta go. Love you. Bye.

Yes.

So this is your spleen.

Normally, it'd be over here,

but because you're missing
ligament structure,

it has wandered over there,
right next to your liver.

We discussed it at the staff meeting.

Everyone thinks you should
have it removed immediately.

Oh, well, OK. I mean, I guess...

I guess you guys probably have
all sorts of new techniques

where you don't even
cut open the body.

No, not really.

No? So...

...we're talking surgery?

Yeah, well, I guess I can handle that.

People get cut open every day.

I assume you're good
with me doing the surgery?

- You?
- I mean, it seems natural.

I know the most about your case.
I promise you'll be in very good hands.

Oh, well...

What?

The first time you'll see me naked,
I'll be on an operating table.

I'll be a perfect gentleman.
My eyes will be strictly on the spleen.

Doctor, Mrs Baker is here
for her follow-up.

Right. We need to schedule Susan
for a splenectomy with me.

Oh. Congratulations!

So I will call you later.

Oh, I am so happy for him.
He's such a doll.

I'm curious,
why are you so congratulatory?

Oh, the spleen surgery.
It'll be his first.

Hey, honey.

- Can we talk about something?
- Sure.

So I've been thinking
about the whole baby thing.

And however long it takes for you
to feel ready, I am fine with.

- OK.
- But here's the deal.

I need to know that
this isn't a maybe.

I want a promise
that we will have children.

I'm sorry. I can't promise that.

- Why not?
- Because I can't say

that I'm gonna wake up
and suddenly want to do something

that I swore my entire life
I would never do!

- "Maybe" is a big step for me.
- It isn't big enough for me.

I'm sorry,
but you have to accept it.

- There's nothing else you can do.
- That isn't true.

Excuse me?

You are threatening me
with an annulment?

That conniving little bitch
put you up to this, didn't she?

- Didn't she?
- This fight could be over now

if you'd just make me a promise.

The only promise I am making you
is that this is so not over.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi.

How's the search coming
for the new ad exec, any luck?

Oh, the pickings are slim.

So far none of my top choices
are available.

Hey, do you have someone
from your old company

that you could, you know,
maybe recommend?

Daddy, I can't find my toothbrush!

- I'll be up in a second, buddy.
- Hi.

As a matter of fact, there's
this one guy who'd be perfect.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Hard-working, smart as a whip.

- Total package.
- Really?

- What's his name?
- Tom.

- Tom. Tom what?
- Tom Scavo.

Oh!

No. No, I do not think that
that is a good idea.

Doing those pitches
got the old juices flowing.

I remembered how much
I miss having a real job.

You have a real job. Right here.
Staying home with the kids.

With two incomes,
we could afford a top-notch nanny.

What about Penny?

You fought for office day-care.

What about the two of us
working and living together?

I think that could be
a recipe for disaster.

Why? The last time
that we worked together...

...we fell in love.

Oh, it's just, I'm...

I'm not sure that you would
find this job that satisfying.

- You don't think I'm good enough.
- I'm not saying that.

Daddy, I still can't find
my toothbrush.

- I'll go.
- I got it.

Come on, buddy, let's hunt it down.

So who won the fight?

We weren't fighting, Mommy just
let Daddy know where he stands.

Oh! Hey! Hey!

Thanks for coming in, Mr Gainey.
We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Bye.

- What did you think?
- I wasn't blown away.

But we can't hold out much longer.

We need to hire someone
this week.

I know, I know, I know.
So who's up next?

Tom Cavos. You ever heard of him?

Could you excuse me
for just a minute?

Sure.

- Tom Cavos?
- Yeah. It's an anagram.

- Deceptively simple, don't you think?
- What are you doing?

Going over your head.
You might not think I'm good enough,

but maybe Ed will be
more open-minded.

Since he's not constantly
competing with me.

You want the truth, Tom? I think you're
good. You have moments of brilliance.

But I also think sometimes you coast.

And I think if I were your boss
and had to ride your ass every day,

you would come home
seething with resentment.

Come on. It's hard enough
keeping a marriage together...

If you're concerned
about saving our marriage,

you better let me take my shot.

- What does that mean?
- It means

that a little part of me
has been hating you

ever since you tanked
my promotion at Petersen.

- Tom...
- But I can let it all go

if you'll give me this one thing.

Excuse me, Ed's waiting
for you guys.

Great. Great.

Just let my r?sum? speak for itself.

- Just let your r?sum? speak for itself.
- Yeah.

OK.

Oh! You worked
the Poncer Cheese accounts?

The "Angry Mouse" spots
were hilarious!

I was on that from the beginning.

"Warning: Do not eat the cheese.
The cheese is evil." Love it!

- You got a great r?sum?.
- Thanks.

Yeah, gosh, it is,
it's quite impressive.

Oh. Wow. I see you worked for Bellfore
and Barrasso. That's a great shop.

Yeah, I put my time in.

And when were you there?

You forgot to list your dates
of employment for that one.

That was a few years back.

And... And how long did you stay?

Just about five months, actually.

You get recruited by another firm?
Somebody cherry-pick you?

- No, I was fired.
- Oh.

Honestly, I was happy to leave.
They didn't get my sense of humour.

I actually pitched a version
of the "cheese is evil" there first.

- They hated it.
- Idiots. Well, their loss, right?

You won a Clio for the
Thompson's Salad Dressing spot.

- That was very cool.
- So did you do that solo?

Actually, no, my wife helped me
on that one. She's in advertising too.

If you were to ask her, she'd tell you
she did the whole thing all by herself.

Credit hog, huh? I know the type.

- You know what, Tom? I like you.
- Ed...

I'm not one for hiring in the room...

No, no, no.
We never hire in the room.

...but we're in a time crunch
and need someone now.

I think you're the guy.

Lynette, you got any issues?

Well, let me just call in
a few references

before we make anything official.

Sure, sure. We'll be in touch, OK?

"The cheese is evil!" God, I love that.

Oh!

Oh, I'm looking for Father Crowley,
do you know where he is?

He's in the confessional.

How long has it been since
your last confession?

Who cares? Father, it's me.

- Gabrielle?
- Yeah.

Look, I need you to do
something for me.

I need you to get rid
of Sister Mary Bernard.

- What? Why?
- Because she's ruining my marriage!

Sister Mary?

Yes. It started with love letters
while he was in prison.

Next, they're spending
day and night together,

sneaking off to "private" bible study,

and one-on-one spiritual consultation.

- Gabrielle...
- And if that wasn't enough,

he is saying her name in his sleep!

"Hold me, Sister Mary! Hold me!"

It's disgusting,
he's like a lovesick puppy!

Well... Do you have reason to believe
that your husband and Sister Mary

are having sex?

Speak from the heart, Gabrielle.
This is just between me, you and God.

Yeah.

Yep, they're having sex.

Carlos confessed everything, right
before he asked for an annulment.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

How long since your last confession?

Not that long ago.

Look, I sort of told a fib,

so how many Hail Mary's
is that gonna set me back?

- Oh, honey...
- Go away!

Oh, honey, what happened
wasn't my fault.

There's no way I could have
predicted how Betty would react.

Oh, please. You knew something bad
would happen.

You wanted all this to blow up
in my face.

Oh, honey, why would I want that?

Because you're jealous that my life's
just getting started and yours is over.

Danielle, that's ridiculous, sweetheart.

Daddy's dead.
You drove your boyfriend to suicide,

you're getting older by the minute.
Soon you'll be so dried up and bitter

that no man will ever want
to touch you ever again.

- Danielle!
- And now you're determined

to ruin my life so I have to stay
with you here and keep you company

while you turn into an old fossil!

All I ever wanted
was for you to be happy.

Don't just want it! Make it happen!

Danielle, I don't feel
much like cooking tonight.

I'm thinking of ordering a pizza.

I want Canadian bacon. Please.

All right.

He's mad at you. Because you hit him.

Well, I feel bad about that.

But when I consider the risks
he was taking...

It's a shame he can't see that girl.
She's so pretty.

What did you say about Danielle?

I said that she...

You know I don't want you thinking
about things like that.

I'm sorry. I didn't... I'm sorry.

It's OK. It's OK.

Go on and run up to your room.

Read the comics I got you.

And, Caleb...

...if I ever catch you looking
at that Van De Kamp girl,

I'll hit you twice as hard
as I hit your brother.

And I won't feel bad about it. OK?

OK.

So this whole splenectomy thing,
you feel good about it, huh?

Yeah, I told you, it's a routine
surgery. You're gonna be fine.

Right, right.

Actually, I sort of meant
do you personally feel confident?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, you're gonna be...

...hacking into me, and I just wanted

to make sure that you feel ready.

I've never taken out a spleen before.

But believe me, it's no big deal.
Spleen, gallbladder, it's all the same.

OK, red flag!
I didn't go to medical school,

but I'm thinking, not all the same.

I know what I'm doing.
You have to trust me.

I would like to. But the fact that you
can't cut that steak isn't helping.

That's not fair. You overcooked it.
It's not the freshest meat.

Well, neither am I!
I've got 35 years on that cow.

Susan, are you saying you don't
want me to be your surgeon?

Well...

I'm sorry.

I don't mean this to sound
the wrong way. I just...

I would be more comfortable
with an experienced surgeon.

That's OK. I understand.

Thank you.

I should really be going.

What?

You said you understood.

I respect your decision
to see another doctor.

You need to respect
that my feelings are hurt.

What? You want me to put my life
on the line to service your ego?

I save lives every day. I cut, I save.
I cut, I save. That's what I do.

If that gives me an out-of-control
ego, maybe I need that

to cut into another human being.

- Hey.
- Hey. Dinner's ready.

Oh.

So did you call around?
Check on my references?

I told Ed you were my husband,
and he was cool with that.

He really wants to hire you.

So who am I to stand in the way?

- Really? So, I got the job?
- On one condition.

If you take this job,

you are never allowed to bring up what
happened before with your promotion.

- That's it? Deal.
- No, it's not a deal.

I need a solemn vow that you will never
throw that in my face ever again.

Because if you do, you will unleash
demons that you do not want to meet.

I get it.

And what I really need from you...

...is to be forgiven.

Actually, I already had.

- This dinner is really good.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Hi, Betty.
- Hello.

I wanted to talk to you about what
happened with the kids.

I told you, we will be moving soon.
There's nothing to worry about.

Well, my fear is that
if we keep them apart,

they'll try that much harder
to be together.

You know how teenagers can be,

and, well, a lot can happen
in a couple of weeks.

I'll make a deal with you. If you
control yours, I will control mine.

How about some
old-fashioned chaperoning?

That way they can still see each other,

and we won't have to be the villains.

When it comes to my son's
best interests,

I'm not afraid of being the villain.

I assumed that you
would feel the same way, Bree.

Now that you mention it,
I guess I do. I have to go.

I have some muffins in the oven.

- Mom, what's wrong?
- It's the Applewhites.

- I don't want you to go near them.
- What?

Do you remember the man
they arrested?

The one that broke into Gabrielle's
and escaped from the mental hospital?

He's there. I saw him in their window.
They're hiding him.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

And I forbid you to go over there.

Lynette, hi, it's Bree.

Listen, call me when you get this
and please come to poker tonight.

I have some big news
about the Applewhites.

All right, bye.

- Who was that?
- Sister Mary.

They just transferred her
to a parish in Fairbanks, Alaska.

- You're kidding me. Why?
- She doesn't know.

The diocese wouldn't give her
a reason.

Vatican politics.

What's wrong?

I think I'm just coming down
with a migraine.

Oh, well maybe you should go lie down,
I'm gonna be out for a while.

All right.

I'll see you there. Susan.
What are you doing here?

- We need to talk.
- OK. All right.

- But look, I just got out of surgery...
- I've been waiting for three hours.

After you stormed out the other night,
I started to doubt myself.

I started to think, "You know, maybe I
should just ignore my better instincts,

and I should let Dr Ron
gut me like a fish."

- Susan...
- Why not?

All my life, I have jumped through hoops
to keep men from leaving.

But I'm not doing it anymore.
So tough luck, pally.

You just missed out on a good thing.

Susan!

- You've been here for three hours?
- Yeah.

Two hours ago, flowers,
champagne and an apology note

were delivered to your doorstep.

- Really?
- Look, I put our relationship at risk,

all right, and it was stupid.

I haven't felt this way
about somebody in a long time.

Susan, I really like you.

And because of that, I...

I can't be your doctor,
let alone your surgeon.

I mean, there's a pretty good reason
why they make those rules.

I hope you forgive me. All right?
Because I'll hate myself if I lose you.

Wow.

I wouldn't want you to hate yourself.

No.

And I am so sorry about that snap thing.
I was just trying to be theatrical.

Yeah.

Got your note. What's going on?

Are you hiding someone in your house?

- What?
- My mom saw someone

in your second-storey window.

She thinks it's the guy
who broke into Mrs Solis'.

- Damn it, Caleb!
- Is that his name?

She told anybody?

She left messages on her friends'
machines. They're coming over.

- We'll have to leave tonight.
- Why? What's going on?

I would love to tell you.
Believe me, I would.

But I can't.

If you trust me, I could help you.

My family has secrets too.

What my brother did, it's bad.

Last year my brother
did something really awful,

and my parents covered it up for him.

If anyone were to ever find out,
Andrew and my mom could go to jail.

So you don't have to worry
about me judging you.

Tell me your secrets.
I'll understand.

OK.

But you tell me yours first.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were being transferred,
so I came to say goodbye.

Come to gloat is more like it.

No. We've had our differences,

but that doesn't mean I'm happy
to see you shipped off to Alaska.

You had something to do with this,
didn't you?

Me? Oh, I'm just a humble sinner.

You're the one with all the power
around here,

all the annulment mojo.

Is that why you did it?

Well, getting rid of me
isn't going to change anything.

Carlos will do what he wants.

The problems in your marriage
aren't going away.

Maybe not.

But you certainly are.

You missed a spot.

Oh! That was a mistake.

There. I think we're all done here.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hold on!

Are you OK?

Ladies! Stop right now!

I said, stop fighting! Stop! No!

What the hell were you thinking?

It depends. What have you heard?

I got a call from the church.
They said you attacked Sister Mary.

- Yeah. That's about right.
- What are you thinking?

I wasn't. But I was thinking about it
on the way over here,

and I realised the ass
I should be kicking is yours.

- Mine?
- Yes.

Sister Mary manipulated you
into threatening me.

But you're the idiot that fell for it.

I was not threatening you.

I was asking for a promise.

You made me a promise,
Carlos, a long time ago:

"Till death do us part."
And one day you just come home

and start throwing words
around like "annulment".

How do you think that makes me feel?

OK. I'm sorry about that.

I need to have a child.

And I need to know I'm the woman

you want to spend
the rest of your life with.

Not just some uterus in high heels.

- Gabrielle, please...
- No! Carlos, I am sorry,

I am not going to be blackmailed
into giving birth.

You have to choose.

And I wish you would do it
so I can move on with my life.

Well, of course I choose you.

I think that's the right decision.

You know, I made a decision too.

The answer to your question earlier
is "yes".

Yes?

I want to have a baby.

I want to have a baby with you.

Betty. What a surprise.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Now is actually not a good time for me.

I think it is.

I wanted to chat with you
before you did something foolish.

I don't know what you mean.

The person you saw in my house today
is my other son.

His name is Caleb.

He didn't harm Gabrielle.
He didn't hurt the man in the car trunk.

That's all you need to know.

- He's your son?
- He's my dear son.

Who happens to be slow.
Sometimes he makes mistakes.

But, Betty, the police
are looking for him,

he escaped from that facility
they sent him to.

He had help, trust me.

I've always thought
the maternal instinct

is one of nature's
most amazing gifts.

I mean, the lengths that some mothers
will go to protect their children.

It drives ordinary women to do
extraordinary things.

Women like me, Bree. And like you.

What are you talking about?

If you breathe one word of Caleb's
existence to anyone,

I will tell Carlos, Gabrielle,
and the police

that it was your son driving the car
that killed Juanita Solis.

And that you have been covering up
his crime ever since.

We're going to be great friends, Bree.

We have so much in common.

- So was that all she said?
- Yeah. Something about the Applewhites.

I'm dying of curiosity.

It's rude to keep people waiting.

Hi. Come on in.

So spill it. What's the scoop
on the Applewhites?

About that...

Oh, Bree, come on, dish already!

Well, perhaps I got more excited
than I should have,

but I recently found out that Betty
Applewhite is quite the poker player.

And so I have invited her
to join our weekly game.

Hello, everybody.
I hope you brought your chequebooks,

because I am feeling lucky.

Everyone understands the nature of war.

I raise.

We also understand that victory depends
on the cards that we have been dealt.

Some, when faced with a bloody battle,
simply give in.

But for some,
surrender is unacceptable.

Well, Bree? What are you gonna do?

Even though they know
it will be a fight...

I'll raise you.

...to the death.