Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 12 - We're Gonna Be All Right - full transcript

After a bad blind date, Susan meets and flirts with a handsome doctor, named Dr. Ron McGreadie, but she takes a wrong approach by feigning a terminal illness. Meanwhile, some old pictures ...

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

I'm gonna die, and I'd like to know what
happened to my daughter before I do.

When it comes to Wisteria Lane,
there are old crimes... crimes...

As soon as it gets dark,
we get rid of that body.

...and crimes that are happening...

...right under everyone's nose.

I'm thinking it's the Applewhites.

Jim Halverson was aware
that he had little to offer a woman.

He was neither rich,
nor smart, nor handsome.

Are you Jim? I'm Susan Mayer.


So when his friends set him up on a
blind date with a beautiful stranger...

Wow. You're so much hotter
than Nikki said you'd be.

How old are you?

How old do you think I am?

...Jim made the tragic decision
to try to be funny.

Not a day over 50.

Why don't we get our table?

See, that was funny
because you're so obviously not 50.

That's why I said 50
because it's absurd.

Jim did everything he could

to get Susan Mayer to laugh.

He tried racial humour.

So guess what time
Chinese people go to the dentist?

Two-thirty. It's...

Get it? Tooth hurt-y? "Tooth hurt-y!"

I love that.

He tried to be engagingly risqu?.

Rectum? Damn near killed him! It's...

You know what a rectum is, right?

He even tried gentle teasing.

No, you see, by comparing you to a Nazi,

I was making the point
that you're so not a Nazi.

And just when Jim thought
the date couldn't get any worse...

Oh! Ow! Oh! did.

OK, Jim. I need you to look up...

...and down.

All right. So how did this happen?

It was an accident.

Oh, I don't know about that.

In some cultures head-butting
is a mating ritual.


Dr McCready, can I talk
to you about my head?

Away from... the draught?

Yeah. Call me Dr Ron.
Everyone does.

Dr Ron,

pretend there's something
wrong and admit me.

- I'm sorry?
- It's the worst date of my life.

That man is the most obnoxious,
offensive human being.

You're looking at me like I'm crazy.

I will be if I spend
one more second with him.

It's my mental health.
My mental health.

You took an oath.

Could you let go of my lapel, please?

Oh, sorry.

Listen, I'm sorry
your date's not going well,

but I can't admit you, Susan.

Right, right.

Jim, let's... let's take
a look at those reflexes.

Hey, I got a joke for you, doctor.

What's the medical term
for the circumcision of a rabbit?



I don't... I always...

I'm gonna need to keep
you here for a while, run some tests.

- Really? I...
- I'm still worried about that bump.

- Oh! Ow! No!
- That's still...

And, Susan, you're good to go.

And though it only lasted a moment,

Jim caught the look that passed
between his date and his doctor.

Thank you so much, Dr Ron.

And he suddenly got the feeling...

...the joke was on him.

The annual blood drive
was a tradition on Wisteria Lane.

Most residents came to help
promote health and well-being.

But my friends turned up
for a different reason.

They were growing increasingly
concerned that their street

was infected with a dangerous
kind of sickness.

And they came to consult
with one another about a possible cure.

Oh, great. She caught me staring.

Have you guys noticed
how friendly Betty's been

since that body was found?

- I don't trust friendly women.
- They don't trust you either.

I just know those two have
something to do with that dead body.

Do we even know who he is?

Well, the paper said the police
are withholding the details.

Call in a favour from your
detective pal. Have him poke around.

You could have him do
a background check on the Applewhites.

I don't think I can do that.

Why not? You said he was nice.

Well, once he stopped
suspecting me of murdering Rex,

he was delightful, but,
I don't really know him.

Somebody has to do something.

Betty! Matthew.

Hello, everybody.

Susan, a little birdie told me
you're having a birthday soon.

We should all go out and celebrate.


Sounds like a plan.

Count me in.

- Bye.
- See ya.

Why are you everybody's
best friend all of a sudden?

If there was ever a time
to be neighbourly, this is it.

We're idiots for staying.

We should've hit the road as soon
as they found Monroe's body.

How do we know he didn't
tell Foster where we're hiding?

If he had, Foster
would've shown up by now.

If we take off,
what are we gonna live on?

I have all of our money
tied up in this house.

- So why not just sell it?
- Patience, Matthew.

If we take off right away,
it'll look suspicious.

Now, what we need is a story.

A reason for us to move.

Look at this. AB-negative.

Yeah. It's the rarest
of all blood types.

There must be something in the water.

You're my second AB-negative.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Who was it?

That guy.

- Hi, Bree.
- Oh, hi.

I just wanted to thank you
for your advice on my azaleas.

They're just thriving.

Oh, it was no trouble at all.

It's such a shame
I may not be around to enjoy them.

Well, my mother has taken ill,

and Matthew and I,
we'll probably go and visit her.

We may even be moving.
We just don't know yet.

Oh. Well, where does she live?

Oh, back in Chicago.

Is it serious?

I... I don't know yet.

Obviously, I'll be speaking
with her doctor.

Oh, Betty, if there's anything
I can do, anything at all...

Thank you. You've
already done so much.



Dr Ron called. He needs to see you
for a follow-up appointment.

He needs to see me,
or he wants to see me?

Jeez, Mom, how cute is this guy?

Oh, he could be cuter...
but I don't know how.

So ask him out.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

Mom, he's a cute surgeon.
What the problem?

He's young.

- Young?
- Younger than me.

How much younger?

Let's just say, if I was a senior
in high school, I'd be saying,

"Wow, you're a hot fifth grader!"

Of course it's gonna
sound gross if you say it that way.

But you're both adults,
so why not ask him out?

Because the conversation
could go something like this:

"Dr Ron, I think you're hot."

"Oh, thank you, ma'am. I think it's time
we talk about your hip replacement."

Mom, you're hot

and... funny and nice

and clearly desperate,

and guys are into that.

Play to your strengths.

Thank God you're home.

What's wrong? Pat said
you told her it was an emergency.

The boys were sent
home from school.

What? Why? I called.
The machine kept picking up.

I know, I know! Look, I...

They've got chickenpox.

Chickenpox? That's the emergency?

They're contagious.

Not to us.

I've never had it.

Well, you never told me that.

The point is, I can't go in there.

It's a hot zone.

Well, Tom, somebody's
got to take care of our kids.

Exactly, and since you're immune...

I have to get back to work.

Just for a couple of days.

It is not the Ebola virus. It's
chickenpox. You are being a baby.

- Yes, I am.
- OK.

If you think I'm being a baby now,

do I need to remind you
of what I'm like when I'm sick?

Remember that time I had strep throat?

We wound up in marriage counselling.

I'll call the office.

Thanks, honey.

Mrs Solis? I gotta talk to you.

If this is about Luis
over-watering the hydrangeas again,

no one likes a tattletale.

My wife left me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you
and Bonita were having problems.

We weren't. It was all of a sudden,
she just packed her bags and left.

She said I have an illness,
I need to get help.

- Why?
- There's nothing wrong with me.

I just like to look
at pretty ladies on the Internet.


Sure, they're not always dressed,
and sometimes there's more than one.

But I only go to the classy Web sites.

There's some sick stuff out there.

Ralph! Make your point.

Last night, I found this new Web site.

There was a picture
of a lady on a bearskin rug,

with nothing on except a little
elf hat. It was festive.

Ralph, why are you telling me this?

I'm sorry, it's just...

...I think you really
need to see this.

Oh, my God!

The lighting looks great on you.

Most of the time
you have to squint at the screen.

And not here. No, sir.
That's... that's good.

Well, thank you, Ralph,
for bringing this to my attention.

Mrs Solis, I was wondering,
would you sign that for me?

Oh, OK.

Where've you been?

Why didn't you come to see me?

I came every Sunday. You were
just too out of it to know I was here.

I think you're lying.

But then again, these days,
I think everyone's been lying to me.

The thing is, you're here now.

So tell me what I want to know.

Did you find the man
who killed my daughter?

It was a guy named Todd Forrest.

He was a lowlife drug dealer.

He got her hooked again.

She tried to steal from him,
and he killed her.

Then I killed him.

I thought hearing that
would make you happy.

I thought it would too.

But it doesn't.

I'm sorry, I want to start your IV,
but your veins are kind of bad.

Well, here. Let me help you.

What the hell
are you doing?! You're crazy!

You're fired. Get out.

So I guess we're done then.



...gonna come see me again?

You planning on having an open casket?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hi, Lynette.
- Hi, Carlos.

All right, a Reuben! How sweet is that?

Lunch brought right to the golf course.

I hear you got some pretty sick kids.

It's just chickenpox,

but Braveheart here will only
come in to sleep and shower.

I don't blame him. I wouldn't
wanna shoot blanks either.

Be well, my man. Bye, Lynette.

See ya later.

What did he mean, "shooting blanks"?

Oh, it's nothing.

There's just a small chance of sterility
if a grown man gets chickenpox, so...

We're not having more kids.
Why would it matter?

Survival instinct.

So that if you're the last man
to survive a nuclear holocaust,

you can repopulate the planet?

No, all I'm saying is, if something
were to happen to either one of us,

I'd want either one of us
to have, you know, options.

So you're saying that, if I died,

you would want
a second wife and a family?


I can't believe

- you've actually thought about this.
- Haven't you?

Thought about who I'd marry
if you died? No.

Honey, it's a backup plan.
I'm not gonna use it!

Then why have it?

Well, I don't know, because it's...
it's like there's this door, right?

And I'm not planning
on actually going through it,

because I'm so happy
in the room that I'm in,

but in the case of fire or flood,

it's comforting to know
that the door is unlocked.

I'm not through with that.

Why don't you have
your second wife make you lunch?



Bree, I have to say, I was...
I was very pleased to get your call.

I'm surprised you want
to have anything to do with me,

given our recent history.

Oh, you mean your having suspected
me of murdering my husband?

Detective, that is all
water under the bridge now.

I'm very glad to hear you say that.

I do have to confess
that I have an ulterior motive.

I need to ask you a favour.

Oh, well, shoot.
Whatever I can do.

We have these new neighbours,
the Applewhites.

A mother and her son.
They just moved here from Chicago.

And they seem very nice,

but there's... there's something
about them that's off.

They're odd.

- Odd?
- Yeah.

They're secretive. There was a body
found in front of their house.

I can't run a background check
on your neighbours for being odd.


Is that why you wanted to see me?
To... to ask me that?

Yeah, why?

Well, during the investigation,
I just thought there was kind of a...

...spark between us.

You know, I thought
this might be a date.

No. I just wanted to ask you a favour.

Fine. No harm done.

When do I... ever get to have lunch
with such a lovely lady, anyway?

Date or... no date.

Are you sure that you can't
check on the Applewhites?

I just know that there's
something there, and, you know,

I have a sixth sense about people.

And yet you got engaged to the man
who murdered your husband.

Blood pressure looks fine.
You're free to go, Ms Mayer.

You mean I'm not gonna see Dr Ron?

I do the follow-up exams. Dr Ron
only comes in if there's a problem.

Well, maybe I should go ahead
and see him anyway, just to be safe.

I'm sorry, Dr Ron's
schedule is very tight today.

So unless you're
having a serious problem...

You experience nausea,
chills and tingling?

Yeah. But now that I think about it,
I bet it's just all the coffee I drink.

I drink way too much coffee.

Do you like to drink coffee?

No. No.

The tingling is
in your fingers and toes?

I should switch to juice.
I know the best juice place.

- Do you drink juice?
- Wow.

Susan, how often have you been having
these involuntary muscle spasms?

Oh, not that often.

I probably just need a good massage.



I want to get you in for an MRI.

Oh! Oh, oh, no.
I don't think that's necessary.

You a doctor?

I got high marks in math and science.

I want to get you in for an MRI.

No. I think given the misunderstanding,
I should get the bill.

I won't hear of it.

All right, we'll split it.

Fair enough.

You know what? Let me...
let me give you a ride home.

Detective Barton, is this
some sort of high school ploy

to get me back to your place?

I just don't think you should be
driving a car. You've been drinking.

I had two glasses of wine.

Three, plus the tawny port
with dessert.

It's all here on the bill,
if you want to take a look.

You know what?
I politely rejected you,

and now you're getting your revenge
by embarrassing me.

You've had too much to drink.
Give me your keys.

I am not giving you anything.

Except the bill.

What do you think you're doing?

I followed you
to make sure you were OK.

You were weaving.

Please step out of the car.

You can't be serious.


Detective, I am not drunk,
and I'm not stupid.

I know exactly what this is all about.

I need you to take a sobriety test.

Sobriety test?
I'm not taking any sobriety...


This behaviour stems
from the hurt feelings

of a man with very low self-esteem.

The world is a big place,

and I'm sure there is
a woman out there somewhere

who'll respond
to your macho posturing.

Well, here's hoping.

Baby, what you're about to see

will most likely shock and upset you.


Remember Scott, the photographer
I was dating when we met?

The one I dumped for you?

Who never got over it and who
I said was gonna get back at me?

Oh, Carlos, I love you so much.


What is this?

Scott's Web site,
with pictures of me on it.

Well, say something!

Oh, my God.

It was supposed to be funny, a naughty
little Christmas gift for my boyfriend.

Oh, my God!

I know, I was
freakishly flexible back then.

I'm sorry. Look, what
are we gonna do about this?

I guess I'll call my lawyers.

I gave these pictures to him
as a gift. He owns them.

I guess we're screwed.

Not necessarily.

See, here's what I'm thinking.

Scott's a coward, so you could
totally put the scare into him.

All you gotta do is go
and rough him up,

and he'll take my pictures off.

I'm sorry, but this is your mistake.

You're gonna have to fix it yourself.

I would love to, but I have
the upper-body strength of a kitten.


...I'm just now starting to get
my rage issues under control.

This brute doesn't swing that way
anymore, so go find another.

Well, when you left prison,
did they leave you a contact list?

So is Dr Ron gonna be here for this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a hook on the wall there.

So go ahead and get your stuff
hung up and just get comfy.

- Dr Ron should be here pretty soon.
- OK.

Is she trying to put on the dust cover?


How long were you gonna let this go on?

Just a few more minutes.

Hi, Susan?

Dr Ron.

You don't have
to get undressed for this.

Oh! I...

Then why did you put out a gown?

No, no, it's not a gown.

It's... it's the dust cover
for the MRI machine.

This should take about 45 minutes.

Now, I know it's really cramped and
uncomfortable, but try not to move.

I realise that this process
must be troubling for you.

Yeah, it's pretty troubling.

Well, we're gonna
get to the bottom of this.

And I'll be here for you, OK?

Hey, Dr Ron?

I just have a feeling that everything's
gonna turn out fine, and when it does...

...I'd like to buy you dinner.

To celebrate my health.

You know, I was thinking
maybe Italian?

Oh, what the heck,
maybe we can call it a date.

If you like.

Dr Ron?

He left a while ago. He got
a phone call from his girlfriend.



Thank you.

I'd like to get out now.

Try not to move.

Good morning, Luis, Ralph.

Morning, Mrs Solis.

- Good morning, honey.
- Hey, you're talking to me again.

I thought about
what you said about the pictures.

And you're right.

It's my mistake,
and I have to live with it.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm living with it!

Hey! Turn around and keep gardening!

Aw. You're so mean.

Put your clothes on, right now!

Why? You either care
if men leer at me or not.

And you made it clear that you don't.

I am not beating this guy up for you!

Then think of another way
to get my pictures back.

If you don't,
people on Wisteria Lane

are gonna be seeing
a lot more of me!

Ralph! Luis! Feast your eyes!

- My finger!
- I'm sorry!

- My finger!
- I'm sorry!

It's gotta be here somewhere!

Don't worry, man, I'll find it!

Hey, honey. Good news.

I checked on Penny,
and she didn't scream.

I think she's getting used to the mask.

I don't want you to have options, Tom.

If I die, I wanna hear
your life would be over.

I want you to spend the
rest of your life screaming,

"It should have been me on that plane!"

- Plane?
- I'm assuming there was a crash.

- It could have been something else.
- Wait...

Do you have any idea how painful it is

to hear about you even think
about your next wife and kids?

I could never do that.

I can't imagine my life without you.

- You are my everything.
- Honey, you're my everything.

OK, well, that's easy to say.
But I need you to show me.


With a vasectomy.

Can't I just get you some flowers?

It makes perfect sense.
We're not gonna have any more kids.

And the pill just makes me bloat.

OK, Lynette, this is crazy.

Oh, I know. I know.

But it is what married people do.

They go out of their way
to calm each other's irrational fears.

Oh, come on, Tom,
I really need you to do this.

Well, OK.

Fine, yeah.

I'll make an appointment.

Thank you.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

I'd rather you didn't.

How'd you get started?


You know, in the escort business.

I beg your pardon?

I bet guys go crazy
with your whole classy,

repressed thing you
got going on, huh?

I mean, your skin
has, like, no pores.

I think there was a compliment
in there somewhere, so thank you.

But I am not an escort.

How much you charge a night?

Look, I...

Five thousand.


What do you have to do,
exactly, for five grand?

All right.

Your bail cleared. You're free to go.
Your car's at the impound lot.

- Pick it up in the morning.
- How am I supposed to get home?

- I don't have money.
- Call a friend.

I have been through
enough humiliation for one day.

I hope you have a better suggestion.

OK, well, let me think.


For goodness' sakes.


- Is everything OK?
- Oh, I'm fine.

I just had a flat tyre.

It's your lucky day. I'm a whiz
at changing tyres. Hop in.

You know, thank you, but I think it's
actually something more mechanical.

My car has been making
just a terrible noise.

Well, I have Auto Club.

Come on.

Actually, my car has been
impounded by the police.

Thanks, Betty, and

I'd appreciate it if you could keep
this little incident to yourself.

I won't say a word. I swear.

That's good. Because most people
on this street couldn't keep a secret.

Oh, Bree, even if everyone
does find out, it's no big deal.

I mean, lots of people have DUI's.

Yes, but most of those people
were actually drunk

when they were arrested.
I was not.

Of course.

You sound like you don't believe me.

Well, it's just...'ve gone through a lot lately.

The death of your husband,
problems with your son.

It would only be natural
if you did self-medicate.

I'm sorry, but since when do you know
so much about my personal life?

Bree! It's like you said,

people on this street
are not great at keeping secrets.

Except for you.

- You're really good at it.
- I beg your pardon?

You moved into your house
in the middle of the night.

God knows what you moved
in that you didn't want anybody to see.

People hear sounds
coming at all hours from there.

And what was
that last one? Oh, right.

They found a dead body
in front of your home.

Everybody talks about
the Applewhites. Nobody can figure out

what you are hiding.

So congratulations.

Your secrets are safe.

For now.

Edie. Hi, it's Betty Applewhite.

Yeah, I'm sorry to call you so late,

but, I really need to meet
with you first thing in the morning.


Well, I've decided to sell my house.

Dr Ron. What are you doing here?

We need to talk.

It's not the kind of talk
we can have over the phone.

Oh, are you sure?

Because I would look a lot better
over the phone right now.

Susan, your test results came back.

And for the life of me,
I can't figure it out.

- Based on the symptoms...
- Symptoms?

The dizziness, the tingling,
the muscle spasms, the chills.

It could be neurological. It could
be based on an autoimmune disorder.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hey, listen,
we're gonna get through this.

I am so sorry, but I'm not sick.

What are you talking about?

Your nurse wouldn't let me see you,

and I really wanted to see you,

so I sort of faked all my symptoms.

The dizziness, the chills,
you know, all of it.

Why would you do that?
What the hell is wrong with you?

I know, I know, I feel really awful.

I'm just not the best at meeting men,
and I thought you were cute.

I sort of thought
maybe you thought I was cute,

You're a doctor. That's so sexy...

I was up all night,

digging through medical books,
trying to figure out some disease

that doesn't exist!

Really? You were up all night?

Yes! I don't enjoy telling people
I think they're going to die!

Especially not people I like!

- You like me?
- Yes!

- What about your girlfriend?
- What girlfriend?

- The one who called in the MRI room.
- We had one date.

She wanted a referral to a
dermatologist. She's got eczema.


Maybe we could go out sometime?

Do you like sushi?

I love sushi.
I'm available tomorrow night.

Tomorrow's no good. I'll still be angry.
I should be cooled down by Friday.

Oh, Friday's good.

Oh, there's one thing. Your MRI showed
that you have a wandering spleen.

A what?

It's no big deal. Sometimes
the thing just moves around in there.

But we'll keep an eye on it.

Wandering what?

OK. Go get him, tiger.

I can't do it, Gabby.


I can't go in there.
I thought I could, but I can't.

You promised.

Ever since I got out of prison,
I've been trying to lead a better life.

For the first time, I can honestly
say that I'm a good Catholic,

and I don't wanna ruin that.

So do this today and go
to an extra long Mass tomorrow.

It doesn't work that way.

OK, look, I'm really trying to
understand your moral dilemma here.

I am.

But if you don't get my pictures
back, I'm gonna be humiliated!

You think our gardener's
the only local perv surfing the web?

I'm sorry, Gabrielle.

You used to go crazy when men would
so much as look at me the wrong way.

And that's when I had clothes on.

I'm trying to be better now.

Maybe you just don't love me
as much as you used to.

Why can't you just let
me be a good person?

If you really loved me,
you wouldn't ask me to go in there.

If you really loved me,
I wouldn't have to ask!

Fine. Forget it.


Be a good person. Knock yourself out.

It's not that I don't love you. I...

Yeah, OK, look, let's just go home.

What are you doing?

I'm getting your pictures back.

I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'll talk to him.
Appeal to his better nature.

Can I help you?

I'm Carlos Solis.

You have naked pictures
of my wife on your Web site.


You're... Gabrielle's husband?

I was just about
to take those off anyway.

Oh. That's great.

I really appreciate this, Scott.

Hey, no problem.

Gabrielle's pages weren't exactly
raking in the big bucks for me.

I find that hard to believe.

I'm not saying Gabrielle's
not a pretty girl. Of course she is.

But she ain't exactly
Internet-pretty, you know?

What does that mean?

The web's about fantasy, not fashion.

Guys surfing for porn don't care how
the clothes hang off the body.

They wanna see the goods. If
Miss Nasty ain't rockin' some curves...

My wife has a perfect figure.

Don't get me wrong, yeah.

Our little Gabby knows
how to work a runway.

But when it comes to cyber-Ioving,

no real man's gonna waste tissue
on that. There you go.

That's all of them.

So we cool now?

Now that's my guy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're not limping.

Did everything go OK?

I couldn't do it.

What happened?

I don't know, I got there. I...

I put on the paper gown, and I...

I just couldn't do it.

Why not?

It felt like I was being emasculated.

Oh, please.

I don't make the money
around here any more,

I don't provide for you and the kids.

I wasn't gonna let them snip out
the last thing that makes me a man.

Staying home
and taking care of the kids

doesn't make you less
of a man. That's crazy.

You expect me to calm your irrational
fears, I expect you to calm mine.

Are you saying you're unhappy?

A little bit, yeah.

Well, what are we gonna do about that?

I don't know.

- Well, can't we just?
- No, Lynette...

I don't know.

Hi, it's Detective Barton.

I feel awful about what happened
the other day. I was a jerk.

So to make it up to you,
I did some sniffing around

about the dead man
in front of your neighbour's house.

I've got information.
His name was Curtis Monroe,

a private detective who lost
his licence a couple of years ago.

He's apparently from Chicago.

I don't know if this is helpful, but...

...a couple of years ago.

He's apparently from Chicago.
I don't know if this is helpful,

but I just feel terrible
about what happened...

Illnesses can take on many forms.

Those of the body are easy to treat.

Much more difficult
are the hidden maladies

that fester in our hearts,

the secret addictions
that consume our souls...

...and the diseases we deny
which affect ourjudgment.

To survive we need to find that
special someone who can heal us.

I worked so hard all my life.

So hard.

Now it's all nothing.

I got one daughter I hate,

one who hates me

and one dead before her time.

No one left for me now.

What did I do it for?

That was good.

Didn't feel a thing.

I have enough pain.

I don't need any more.

But we can never predict

who will have the cure
for what ails us...

The other nurses all warned me
you were difficult, Mr Taylor.

...or when they'll show up.

But I think we're
gonna get along... just fine.