Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 11 - One More Kiss - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

George paid for what he did
to your father.

- Bree confessed...
- Did you give Zach money to go to Utah?

Susan betrayed Mike...

- What kind of friend is he?
- The real good kind.

Andrew pushed the boundaries...

- Zach's come home.
- Is there anything I can do?

- Paul put his foot down...
- You can leave us alone.

- When do I tell people you'll be back?
- Maybe three days.

...and a stranger finally
caught up with Caleb.

Kisses are such simple things,
we hardly notice them.



But if we paid more attention,

we'd see that each kiss
conveys a meaning all its own.

For example, some can say,
"I'm so happy to see you."

Or, "I didn't realise
you'd be here."

Or, "Honey, it's time
to stop drinking."

The trick is in knowing
how to tell the difference.

So I finally said,

"If I'm head cheerleader,
then nobody wears panties."

Yeah!

As a former member of my
high school marching band,

I would've appreciated that.

You were a band geek?
Oh, I don't believe it.

- What did you play?
- He played the tuba. I have pictures.

The tuba, huh?



Yeah. Go ahead. Come on.
Get your licks in.

Not at all. As a matter of fact,
all of my secret crushes

- were on the band geeks.
- I know you cheerleader types.

You wouldn't have said "boo"
to guys like me.

You were more interested
in guys like this.

I take it you didn't play the tuba.

No, I didn't.

All I know is, I was a Ionely,
insecure tuba player.

Girls like Gabrielle
would just rip my heart out.

I didn't even have my first kiss
until I was 18.

- Eighteen?
- Pathetic, I know.

Poor baby. I would have kissed you.

- You wouldn't have.
- I would've.

No, you wouldn't have.
And it's OK, Gabby.

- Those scars healed a long time ago.
- Oh, for God sakes, come here.

Now, on behalf of all the cheerleaders
in the world, forgive us.

Yes, kisses mean different things
to different people.

Ultimately, the meaning depends
on the one who does the kissing...

Wowie.

Cheers!

...and the one who sees it happen.

After every party
comes the time for cleaning.

We attend to the champagne
that was spilled,

the knickknacks that got broken,

the food that went uneaten...

- Oh, here. Let me take that.
- Oh. Thanks.

...and whatever other messes
need cleaning up.

So, Gabby,

you know that thing
you and Tom did tonight,

the... The kiss?

Was that hysterical?
The look on Tom's face.

Yeah.

I know this sounds silly,

but... it kind of bugged me.

- You're not serious.
- Well, I am.

I don't... I don't want to make
a big deal out of it,

but, could you maybe...
not do that again?

OK.

Thanks.

OK.

What happened to the Applewhites?
You were going to invite them.

I did. Betty never RSVP'd.

What do you guys think
about the Applewhites?

I like them. Very nice. Very...

- Interesting.
- Interesting.

They weird me out too.

That's not what we're saying.

Not exactly, anyway.

You know, we were just having fun,
entertaining the crowd.

Oh, sure.

But maybe next time
you could try juggling instead.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Really? I sense a little tension.

No, no tension.

What?

You make it sound like I was
making a pass at your husband

and that's just a little bit insulting.

I just said it bugged me.

Why is that a problem?

- Is this about that kiss?
- What kiss?

Oh, you were in the living room.
Gabby planted a big, wet kiss on Tom,

as a joke. It was hilarious.

You see?

Yeah, but to be fair to Lynette,
you are an ex-model.

Surely it must have dawned on you
that some women might prefer it

- if you didn't kiss their husbands.
- That's all I'm saying.

Oh, you guys, we're all friends. This
isn't something to get worked up over.

I'm not worked up.

Me neither.

Hey, everyone, did you see what
Kathy Lewis was wearing tonight?

Whoever told her she could
get away with those stripes

should be shot.

Oh, bye, sweetie.

Oh...

Zach is back.

- Yeah. Yeah, I know.
- You do?

Yeah, he's been back
for a couple of days now.

- Well, that's great, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I thought you'd be happy about it,
that's what you wanted.

I was hoping I'd slowly
establish a relationship with Zach,

then when we were comfortable,
I'd tell him I was his dad.

But Paul's back.

He doesn't want you anywhere near him.

He's threatened to tell the police
everything that happened in the desert,

- that I held a gun to his head.
- It's your word against his.

But he doesn't have a record. I do.

You know, despite what I did,

sending Zach away,
I want you two to connect.

- I hope you know that.
- I do.

And on the bright side, I don't have
to wonder where he is anymore.

It says that you can do a report
on anything

from the suggested reading list.

Which includes The Old Man and the Sea,
The Pearl, Much Ado About Nothing...

That sounds good. What do you like?

I don't care.

Let's start with The Pearl.

It's got a sad ending, but it's good.
We'll start with that.

You know, it's not gonna be so bad.

I think you're really gonna like
being home-schooled.

OK, I know this isn't what you want.

But I need to keep you close to me,
just for a while.

There are people in this neighbourhood
who aren't thrilled that we're back.

People I don't trust.

People like Mike Delfino?

Why would you say that?

When you disappeared,

Mrs Tillman said that Mike
took you somewhere to kill you.

That's ridiculous.

- Why would Mike want to kill me?
- Because you murdered Mrs Huber?

What did you say?

Well, Mrs Tillman said
that you murdered Mrs Huber

because she was blackmailing Mom.

- And you believed her?
- No, not exactly.

Why? Should I?

Zach, you know me.

Better than anyone.

Do you honestly believe
that I'm capable of murder?

No.

All right, then.

Of course...

I didn't think Mom was capable
of suicide, either.

On second thought, why don't we
start with Much Ado About Nothing.

I think we could use
a few laughs around here.

Man, yeah, he sure is. That just...

Probably...

- Yeah.
- Not bad.

All right.

Hey.

Get over here, now!

Somebody's angry.
Did one of your souffl?s fall?

I saw what you did with your friend.

Oh. And you didn't turn into
a pillar of salt. Good for you.

This is not a joke, Andrew.
What if the neighbours had seen you?

Well, I'd hope they'd think
that I landed a hottie.

I may not be able to control
what you do outside of this home.

But while you are under this roof,
you will not mock my values.

If you so much as smile at that boy,

so help me I will ship you off
to Camp Hennessey

and I will not pick you up again
until you're 18.

Do I make myself clear?

Aren't you forgetting something?

I know you like to knock a few back
before bedtime.

Go on. Take it. It's OK.

We both know that of the two of us,

I'm the one that doesn't judge.

Please. I don't want to stay down here.

I... I know.

I'm sorry, Cay.

I'm sorry.

Matthew, I think we might have termites.

You need to take a look at those steps
before one of us breaks our neck.

What's the matter? Is your brother OK?

No, he's not. He hates it down here.

He wants to be with us.
You're being cruel.

If you are so concerned about him, you
should spend less time on your computer

and more time down here
keeping him company.

We're bringing him up,
but not until I'm sure that it's safe.

Hey, you!

Yeah?

What's the deal? You've been parked
on our street for two hours.

Oh. I'm doing a property appraisal.

Some neighbours of yours
are thinking about moving.

- The Applewhites?
- I'm not really allowed to say.

I sold them that house.
You know, this is my turf.

Who do you work for? Geist Realty?

Westside Properties!

Whoever it is,

you go back and you tell your bosses
that nobody, and I mean nobody,

buys or sells in this neighbourhood

without going through Edie Britt.
You got that?

- Look, lady, I just go where I'm told.
- You look.

You cross me, and I will be
your worst nightmare.

I'm a dangerous woman.
You don't want to mess with me.

You got it.

Ms Mayer?

- Zach.
- May I talk to you?

I have some things that I need to say.

- OK.
- I know that I did a lot of bad stuff.

Stuff that I'm not
gonna be able to take back.

Ms Mayer, I'm... I'm really sorry.

But when I was living on the streets,

I had a lot of time to just sit
and think to myself

and clear my head, and...
I've grown up, you know?

I... I don't want you to worry, I'm not
gonna be bothering you anymore.

Either of you.

Well, thanks. We appreciate that.

Please don't tell my dad
that I talked to you.

He's just...
He's been really intense lately.

Wow. What do you think?

He seems different. I believe him.

Yeah. I can't believe I'm about
to say this but I feel sorry for him.

It's like he's so fragile.

I know. And he's locked up
in that house with Mr Creepy 24-7.

Did you know that he's
home-schooling Zach now?

I think he should spend some time
with a decent role model, don't you?

Hi!

Hey. You're out early.

I wanted to pick up fresh
croissants for breakfast.

Oh, cool. Listen,
I just wanted you to know,

I appreciated you
backing me up last night.

You know, with the kiss thing.

To be honest, I don't think
I would have liked it, either.

Yeah, but I probably
should've just gone with it.

Gabby was just being Gabby,
having fun.

Well, I wouldn't be so hard
on yourself, given her history.

- What do you mean?
- You know, the affair.

Gabby had an affair?

- You didn't know?
- No!

I thought everybody knew.

Oh, I feel awful.

Oh, Ida Greenberg's behind you.

Ida, just a second!

I am stunned. Who was it with?

- I shouldn't have said anything.
- Come on. Just tell me.

Her gardener.

Oh, you're kidding!

No, no, not him.
Helen Rowland's son, John.

The teenager?

Ida, wait or go around!

- Does Gabby know that you know?
- Absolutely not!

I think the best thing to do
is just smile

and pretend you don't know anything.

Hi.

Oh! Sorry.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What's up?

We have an idea how to bring
you and Zach together.

Bowling.

- Bowling?
- I e-mailed Zach

and he said he's gonna meet us there.
You can come too.

Does Paul know about this?

No. And we're not planning
on telling him.

I don't think that's a good idea, Susan.

Mike, I'm part of the reason
things got so screwed up.

I just want a chance
to make things right.

And you're OK with this,
being around Zach?

We talked to him. He's changed.

Well, I guess we're going bowling.

Wake up, sleepyhead. I brought
fresh croissants for breakfast.

Hi, Mrs Van De Kamp.

I'm Justin, Andrew's lab partner.

From school. Dude, wake up.

Andrew.

I want you downstairs. Now!

First of all, I want you
to march back upstairs

and tell your friend he is no longer
welcome in this house.

- We haven't had breakfast yet.
- I am serious.

You tell him to get out of here
or I will call the police

- and I will have him removed.
- Well, go ahead. Call them.

Oh, you think I won't?

I just wonder how they'll react
when they find out

that you killed George Williams.

I didn't kill George.

No, but you sat there
and let him die. Which...

I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure
there's a crime in there somewhere.

- Andrew...
- Don't get me wrong.

I mean, I'm glad you did it.
But when the cops get here,

my official position will be,

"Oh, my God, I'm being raised
by a homicidal maniac!"

I think I might even throw in
a few tears.

You would actually let the police
arrest your own mother?

Hey. We all gotta cut
the apron strings at some point.

Come on, Penny.
Let's get those groceries in there.

Come on, here we go.

We'll get this one, this one
and Daddy... Uh-oh. Whoa.

Oh, oh... Oh!

It looks like you could use a hand.

- Bless you. Here, Gabby, and Penny.
- Oh.

Come here, you sweet little thing.

Well, thank you so much, Gabby.
Come on in.

Oh, God, Tom?

- Yeah?
- I think she got sick.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Usually she only throws up
on immediate family.

I'm honoured.

Oh, do you mind just
putting her in the playpen there?

Hello?

Guess what? Ed loved the pitch.
I got off early.

You're kidding. That's great.

I'm by the market.
Want me to pick up anything?

I just came from there.
Except, I forgot bread.

- Would you mind?
- Not at all.

Tom, I need to wipe up.
Do you have a towel?

Sure, hold on.

- Hey.
- Hey, honey.

- Hey, did you get the bread?
- Oh, they were out.

- Of bread?
- Yeah.

Hey, Gabby.
Surprise seeing you here.

I saw that Tom was overwhelmed,
so I thought I'd give him a hand.

Really?

Well, that was nice of you.

Is there a problem?

No.

Really?

I sense that you're annoyed you
found me here when you weren't home.

Am I wrong?

Lynette?

OK. Yeah.

So exactly what are you doing here,
helping out?

Damn it, if this has to do with that
stupid kiss, I'm gonna lose it.

What's going on?

Lynette thinks I was hitting on you
at Bree's party.

- What? That's ridiculous.
- I never said that.

What I said was that it made me
uncomfortable when you kissed him.

It's obviously an issue for me,
and yet here you are,

alone in my kitchen,
with my husband.

So, tell me, are you hitting on him?

- Lynette.
- I can't believe you.

I have done nothing to deserve
this kind of mistrust.

Well, that's not entirely true.

What does that mean?

Come on, Gabby, it's a small town.
People talk.

OK, what's going on here?

I'll tell you.

Your wife doesn't trust me around you

because I had an affair
with my teenage gardener.

Oh.

I know Susan Mayer would never tell,
so it must have been Helen Rowland.

She blabbed to the girls at the salon.
Ida Greenberg goes to that salon.

If Ida knows, the whole town knows
and we're gonna have to move.

That's all there is to it.

Carlos! Can you stop putting for two
seconds and show me some support?

What do you expect?
You brought this on yourself.

It was a harmless little kiss. Why is
everybody making a big deal about this?

Because you had an affair
with an underage gardener.

People don't think you're harmless.
They see you as a predator.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Punishing me,

dangling the affair over my head.

Well, I won't tolerate it.

Really? So just what
are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna let you even the score.

- Carlos, go have an affair.
- What?

I had my indiscretion, so go have yours,

get it out of your system.
I know you want to.

- I do not.
- Sure you do. Knock yourself out.

Call up an old college flame.
Rent a call girl.

Fly to Africa and nail that little nun
you've been drooling over.

- I don't care.
- You're crazy.

No, I'm pragmatic.

Because once you've finished
your fling, we'll be equals again

and then you won't be able to judge me.

And we can go back to being a boring,
average married couple.

Oh, just do me a favour,
don't bring back any diseases.

Are you sure you're not overreacting
to this whole Gabrielle thing?

Maybe. Yes.

But Gabby doesn't think
she did anything wrong.

That's not right either.

I guess.

You're an attractive man.

There is a primal need for a woman
to protect what is hers.

My initial impulse was justified.

So you really think she's into me?

I don't know.

Because you're right.
I am an attractive man.

You know what, I never told you this,

but when I bend down
to pick up the morning paper,

I catch Bree Van De Kamp
checking me out.

- You're kidding.
- No, scout's honour.

I've always exuded
a certain sexual magnetism,

and as I get older, I think
it's only becoming more intense.

Are you drunk?

Oh, I'm a hot guy,
living in a neighbourhood

- filled with nothing but Ionely ladies.
- Oh.

They can't help themselves.
I'm like catnip.

Come here.

- What was that for?
- Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me that I am
the only woman in the whole world

who could love an idiot like you.

- I'll talk to Gabby.
- I'm telling you, these women want me.

- Oh, yeah.
- They see the rippling muscles...

- Good night, Tom.
- They cannot resist me.

Shut up and go to sleep.

Son of a bitch.

You gotta be kidding me.

Whoa, whoa.
I'm here to help you, Caleb.

Momma's gonna be mad.

Don't you worry about that.

Moms love me.

All right. Let's go.

No!

OK, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
talked to you like that.

Let's start over.

Let's go.

I'm warning you, pinhead. Don't you
make me come down there after you.

Come on. Come on!

You asked for it. I'm gonna beat
the stupid right out of you.

This thing was dry...

Caleb?

I didn't do it.

Oh, dear.

- Well, hey, there.
- Hi, Karl. Oh.

Oh, quick question.

When someone discusses
a sensitive situation with a lawyer,

such as yourself, when does
attorney-client confidentiality kick in?

From the moment
the lawyer's hired. Why?

Here's a cheque for a hundred dollars.
That's enough for a retainer, right?

I guess. What's going on, Bree?

My son is trying to blackmail me,
and I want you to stop the little SOB.

Do you think you could do that?

He has an Illinois license.

Says here his name is Monroe.

Does that name mean anything to you?

No. But at least he wasn't
a policeman.

Poor man. I hope he didn't suffer
too much.

Mom, are we looking at the same body?

What is it?

As soon as it gets dark,

we get rid of that body.

Hey.

I hope it's OK.

Carlos let me in.

I'm right in the middle of something
and I don't know when I'll be done.

I'm just here to say I am sorry

and I have been a complete idiot.

All done.

- Is the coast clear?
- Yes, it is. We worked it out.

No kidding.
How'd you manage that one?

Simple. Lynette admitted
she was wrong and I agreed.

Well, 99 percent wrong.

Oh, whatever. Close enough.

Anyway, Tom's probably got dinner
ready by now.

- So I should get going.
- OK. Bye.

Good night.

You know
what the one percent is, right?

No, not really.

- Does it matter?
- It kind of does.

I... I want to get it clear,
for our friendship.

OK.

What's the one percent?

Well... Well, yes, I overreacted.

I think you can see how even though
I was somewhat off base,

you were a little wrong, right?

No.

I kissed Tom
and it was a harmless joke.

If I had kissed anybody else's husband
they would have laughed

and then forgot about it
10 seconds later.

OK. Let's test that theory.

See. I don't care.

That's just a waste of time.

And spit.

OK.

OK. OK, OK. OK, OK.

- I get your point!
- All righty then.

My work here is done.
Carlos. Gabby.

- Oh!
- Not bad.

Hey. There he is.

Zach! I'm glad you could make it.

Hey, Zach.

Mr Delfino. I didn't know
you were gonna be here.

I was bowling a few frames
and ran into these guys.

Thought I might join you.
Is that OK?

Yeah. I guess.

- OK, write that down, nine.
- Wise guy.

All right, just roll it in there,
nice and easy.

- Sorry.
- Hey, it's OK. We're still close.

Anyway, Julie's totally gonna choke.

Oh! Just for that, I am not
bringing you back a hot dog.

- Zach, do you want one?
- OK.

- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just...

I don't understand what you're doing.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't understand
why you're being so nice to me.

I pointed a gun at you guys.
You should hate me.

We don't hate you, Zach.

You had an incredibly hard year.

You shouldn't have done what you did,
but we just want to help you move on.

Look, when I was young,

I got mixed up in some really bad stuff.
I even did some time in prison.

- Really?
- Yeah, but when I got out,

people were willing to forgive me.

- Everybody deserves a second chance.
- Thanks.

You know, I'm gonna go,
help Julie with the food.

So you guys just keep
talking and bowling.

Talk and bowl, bowl and talk.

Here, let me show you something.

See the arrows right in the middle?

Just roll it straight over the one
in the centre.

You don't have to spin it or anything,
just right down the middle.

Look at that!

Good job.

- Hurry up!
- I am hurrying up, OK?

- Wait, no, no, no!
- What?

I dropped the keys.
I don't have them. They're in here!

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Andrew, would you mind
turning off your video game?

My lawyer would like to have
a little chat with you.

Even though your mother did
witness George Williams' suicide,

there's no affirmative duty
to intervene.

No crime was committed.
Even if the police find out,

your mom will never see
the inside of a courtroom.

Well, maybe I got the story wrong.

What if she went over there
to help him commit suicide?

If you want to lie to the police,
go right ahead.

But please know that I will sue you.

- For what?
- Abuse of process.

When a person tries to exploit the
legal system for an improper purpose,

like blackmail.

You guys can't sue me.
I'm just a kid.

Don't worry. I won't start garnishing
your wages until you turn 18.

Your mom, is she a peach or what?

If the cops don't give a damn,
I'm sure your friends will.

How does a little
public humiliation sound?

Bree, can I get a refill on this?

- What are you doing?
- Your father was a friend of mine.

And if he were around to see what
a nasty little turd you've turned into,

he'd knock the hell out of you.

Yeah, well, he's not here now, is he?

No, he isn't. But if you don't
get your act together

and start treating your mother
with some respect,

I'll take care of you myself.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Good.

- Hey, neighbour.
- Oh, hey, Carlos. Hi.

I just wanted to thank you
for patching things up with Gabby.

Well, sure, no problem.

It's been really tough on her,

everybody finding out about the affair.

Yeah, I can imagine.

I don't mind telling you, it's,

it's been pretty tough on us
the past couple months.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised,

and I really hope you can work it out.

Yeah. We're trying.

- You know...
- Yeah?

- Gabby had an interesting suggestion.
- Oh?

She told me that I should go out
and have an affair of my own.

She thinks it's the only way I'll be
able to get over what she did,

and that it just might help
our marriage.

Why are you telling me this?

I guess I just, wanted to know

if you had any thoughts
on the subject.

I don't.

I really don't.

Well, if you ever do, let me know.

By the way...

That was one hell of a kiss
you gave me.

You can't fake chemistry like that.

What the hell is this?

Delfino.

Stay away from my son!

Oh, my God!

Dad!

- You OK?
- I'm fine.

I swerved to avoid hitting his car
and I hit this parked car.

That's when the trunk popped open.

And when we got out,
we found this dead body, and...

Are you worried now?
Because I am.

Not yet.

Let's be patient, see what happens.

How'd it go?

Well, I told them everything I know,
which wasn't much.

So are we thinking this is Paul?

Well, he is our friendly
neighbourhood murderer.

- Yeah, it seems obvious.
- I don't know.

I saw his face
when he looked in the trunk.

He looked
just as shocked as I was.

I'm thinking it's the Applewhites.

I talked to the dead guy

and he said that he was doing
an appraisal on their house.

Well, I got a little cheesed,
so I called every realtor in town.

Nobody had even heard of him.

- That doesn't mean Betty knew him.
- Please.

Those two are fishy.

They bought that house sight unseen.

And they did move in
in the middle of the night.

And there were the noises.

What noises?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago,

I heard some noises coming
from the basement, like a clanging.

And I asked Betty about it.
She lied right to my face.

- What's that about?
- I don't know.

Now I'm worried.

- I'll call you.
- So long, girlfriend.

Julie.

Hi.

Hey. My dad found out about us bowling.

We're not gonna be able
to do that anytime soon.

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, I'm glad that we did.

I haven't felt like part of a family
in a long time.

Thanks.

I, I'd better get back inside.

The act itself never varies,

but each kiss carries with it

- a meaning all its own.
- Oh!

It can convey a husband's
eternal devotion.

Or a wife's enormous regret.

It can symbolise a mother's
growing concern.

Or a lover's growing passion.

But whatever its meaning,

each kiss...

...reflects a basic human need.

Mommy's baby.

The need to connect
to another human being.

This desire is so strong...

...it's always amazing
when some people...

...don't understand it.