Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Come in, Stranger - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

The boys are in my class because I'm
the only teacher who can handle them.

We may no longer
be able to accommodate them.

Ultimatums were made.

She used this to kill herself.
Why would you keep it?

Questions were asked.

- Are you OK?
- I think he's hiding something.

And lots of evidence was uncovered.

What is it you hired me to do?

Someone sent that note to my wife.
I need to know who.

You like Alfred Hitchcock?



I found it in the ruins of Edie's home.

I found it under our bed. It's not mine.

Talk about dirty laundry.

Every neighborhood
has a woman like Alberta Frome.

And every woman like Mrs. Frome
has a cat.

When she traveled,

Mrs. Frome would arrange for friends
to look after her beloved pet.

This time, however, she was forced
to ask her neighbor, Susan Mayer.

Mrs. Frome liked Susan.

But it was common knowledge
on Wisteria Lane,

where Susan Mayer went,
bad luck was sure to follow.

Her misfortunes ranged
from the commonplace...

...to the unusual...

...to the truly bizarre.



As she waved goodbye, she worried
that Susan's bad luck would continue.

For that matter, so did her cat.

Mr. Whiskers. Dinner time.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

That's weird.
Cats can't open drawers, can they?

- You didn't leave them open?
- No way.

Wow. Do you think somebody broke in?

Mr. Whiskers?

Mr. Whiskers?

Though she didn't know it at the time,

Susan's luck...
had finally started to change.

News that an intruder had breached
the security of Wisteria Lane

spread like wildfire.

At a Neighborhood Watch meting
the next night,

residents voiced their concerns

over the increasing dangers
their community faced.

Bob Fisk warned those present
that a government agency

was listening in
on their phone conversations.

Helen Vale spoke of
a ruthless local tenage gang

that had egged her minivan.

Three factors contribute to...

The evening concluded with Officer
Thompson offering safety tips

and a plan of action.

...you have some control over.

You can sign up for daily or nightly
patrols, which might seem like overkill,

but regular surveillance will deter
even the most determined criminal.

Are there any other questions?
All right. Let's be careful out there.

- Actually, do you have a second?
- Sure. How can I help?

Um... I'm the one
who discovered the break-in.

- I think I found some evidence.
- Evidence?

This is a screwdriver left behind
by the burglar. I didn't touch it.

Why didn't you give this
to the investigators?

I tried and they laughed at me.

Nothing was taken from the house.

I apologize.
That was totally unprofessional.

Thank you. So you think
it should be dusted for prints?

- Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done.
- Great.

Bye.

Boys, stop it! Go to bed!

- We're not tired!
- Well, at least go upstairs.

- We want to play!
- Look!

Gimme!

Go! Go!

So why weren't you sitting with Mike?
I thought you two were an item.

I sort of thought so too.
Getting a lot of mixed signals.

I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed
signals. Sexy Officer Thompson.

- He stared at you all night.
- You noticed that?

Honey, trust me, when
they're not staring at me, I notice.

I appreciate you guys
staying and helping.

Oh, please.
I would have hosted it myself

but there's camping equipment
everywhere.

It's nice of you.

And there's something else nice
that I'd like you to do.

Your kids both went to
Barcliff Academy, didn't they?

We need you to recommend Porter and
Preston. We can't get an interview.

You want me to recommend the twins?

Yes. You can tell them
how beautifully behaved the boys are.

- So you want me to lie?
- Yeah. I thought that was understood.

I'm very well respected at Barcliff,

and my word
won't be good there any more.

Yes, but by the time they realize
their mistake, we'll be in.

You're not having any more kids.
What do you care?

I had hoped some day to get
my grandchildren into Barcliff.

But I suppose
that doesn't matter to you, does it?

It really doesn't.

We've got to get rid of it.

- I said leave it alone!
- No! You can't stop me!

- Paul and Zach are fighting again.
- The second time this week.

They never fought
when Mary Alice was alive.

It's a shame.
They used to be such a happy family.

Just because you didn't hear them
fighting, doesn't mean they were happy.

The next day, as residents
began to patrol Wisteria Lane

in the hopes of
foiling potential burglars,

Gabrielle was about to experience
a home invasion of her own.

Mama Solis! What are you doing here?

I came to visit my son and
daughter-in-law. What does it look like?

Does Carlos know you're coming?

No. He likes to be surprised.

Now come.

Gabrielle. Come.

Family should always hug...

... regardless
of how they feel about each other.

Wow. She's a beauty. 30-footer?

32.

Sweet. I sail. I've got a Flying Scott.

We have several
yachting enthusiasts here.

- I could introduce them to you...
- That sounds great.

...if we decide to enroll your children.

To be honest, Mr. And Mrs. Scavo,

your children's educational background

is a bit more common
than we would prefer.

But Mrs. Van De Kamp said
they were identical twins?

Yes. You can't tell them apart.
They're like book ends.

We do strive for diversity at Barcliff.

Identical twins could be interesting.

The boys are fascinating. They even have
their own twin secret language.

- Yeah, it's pretty scary.
- Not so much scary as highly developed.

Yeah, they bark and growl at each other.

Tom, Mr. Lentz was trying to say
something. Go ahead, Mr. Lentz.

I'd love to meet these twins of yours.
I tell you what.

I'm going to put them
on our "must-meet list".

- Terrific!
- Thank you so much.

- What is a "must-meet list"?
- We bring them in for observation.

Observation?

Mm. To see how they play with the other
children, how they respond to authority,

that sort of thing.

- Great.
- That sounds wonderful.

- Hey.
- Hi!

- Kids ready?
- Almost. Thanks for driving them.

Happy to do it. I miss them.

Did you hear there was a break-in
at Mrs. Frome's?

Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything.

It's still frightening.
He could have been a sexual predator.

And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That
would have been a lose-Iose situation.

Rex, that's not the point.

I don't feel safe. I was wondering
if you could spend the night.

You're in the NRA. You own four guns.

If somebody broke in
I'd expect you to protect me.

Rex, the truth is, with the kids gone,

I'll be all by myself in this house
for the first time in 17 years.

I know it's hard to hear, but the
marriage counseling might not work.

You need to get used to being alone.

You're right. That was hard to hear.

- What are you doing?
- That is for the kids.

Oh, come on. I'm staying at a motel.
I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

The marriage counseling
might not work out.

You need to get used to bad cooking.

Hey. Screwdriver girl.

I took your evidence into the lab
for fingerprints.

Really? That's great.

- I'll call you if I hear something.
- OK.

- Sorry!
- Thanks.

Actually, I'd like to call you anyway
if that's OK.

Oh. You seem like a really sweet guy
in an interesting line of work

but I'm not really available.

- Oh. You have a boyfriend?
- Yeah, sort of.

- Sort of.
- It's hard to explain. Even to myself.

Unit 23, we have a 907 A in progress.
Please respond.

Ten-four. I'm on my way. I gotta go.
Apparently there's a hostage situation.

- Oh, wow.
- So you're really turning me down?

- Boy. My self-esteem can't take this.
- I'm sorry.

No, it's just, now my ability to help
those hostages has been compromised.

- Still, don't blame yourself.
- Blame myself?

Yeah. It's hard to rescue folks
when you don't feel good about yourself.

Ah, they'll probably all die anyway.

- OK, fine. I'll go out with you.
- Great. I'll call you.

Now that you've got your date,
you can tell me what 907 A really means.

- Someone's TV was playing too loud.
- Thank God for the Thin Blue Line.

I'll call you.

I'll be outside doing my yoga.

I'll be right back.

Must you do that now?
My mother's here.

I'm not gonna stop my life
just because she shows up unannounced.

She's family.
She doesn't need an invite.

Whatever. It's rude.

It's real pretty, Mama.
You were always good with your hands.

So, I assume you didn't insist that
I travel 2,000 miles for small talk.

So why am I here?

She...

...is unhappy.

Oh?

I've given her
everything she ever wanted,

but it doesn't seem
to make a difference.

I feel her drifting
further and further away.

And lately I've started thinking
that maybe...

So you think she's cheating on you?

I think so.

We can talk about your problems,
but I'm not gonna have any of that.

- Do you have any proof?
- No. It's just a feeling.

I had that feeling with your father
and that whore waitress.

And I was right.
Always trust your feelings.

- So what do I do?
- You don't do anything.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you, Mama.

I'm sorry I had to hit you,
but we're strong people.

We don't cry about our problems.

We find ways to fix them.

While the residents of Wisteria Lane
kept up their patrols

in an effort to prevent
future break-ins,

Lynette hatched a plan to break
her children into Barcliff Academy.

Boys, wake up.

Come on.
We're gonna have some fun today.

- Come on.
- Mom. Hi.

Come on! I bet you can beat me! Come on!

Go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes! Mush!

Mush! Mush! Mush!

- Mom, I'm tired.
- Hey.

If I can still see your head,
the pool's not deep enough.

Are your boys usually so docile?

They're always a little shy at first.

Look at that concentration.
Porter loves his puzzles.

Hm...

Mama, I'll be right back.
I'm going to the store.

Gabrielle! I'm coming with you.

I want to make some tamales for Carlos.

No, I'm not going to the supermarket.
I'm going to the lingerie store.

- Good. I need some bras.
- I'm gonna be a while.

I might get a facial.

I have a face.

- Hey, Mike.
- How's it going?

- Good. Just came by to say hello.
- Hello.

So you remember the cop from
the Neighborhood Watch meeting?

He agreed to run a fingerprint check on
the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome's.

He did? Nothing was taken.

Still, somebody broke in. It is a crime.

So the weird thing is
the cop asked me out.

- On a date.
- Oh?

And I sort of said yes. I was just
curious what you thought about that.

You're asking my permission
to go out with him?

No. No, I just uh...
was wondering your opinion.

I don't really have one.

OK. Great.

Fine.

- Thank you.
- Susan, wait. Wait, I...

I'm sorry. My life
is just really complicated right now.

You don't have to explain.

- Susan.
- It's complicated. I get it.

Paul? Paul?

Oh. Hi, Zachary.
Sorry, the door was open and...

It's OK. You can come in.

Is your father here?
We're scheduled to do a patrol today.

He had to go out of town. Again.

Oh. Well, I guess I can do it by myself.

Wow. This place is just immaculate.

- My mom liked things clean.
- She would be very proud of you.

What happened to your varnish?

That's where my mother died. I messed up
the floor trying to get out the blood.

Oh.

- I'll tell my dad that you stopped by.
- OK.

Zach, do you have plans for dinner?

- So you shop a lot, huh?
- Yeah. So?

Most women that shop a lot, it's because
they don't have anything better to do.

- What's your point?
- Well, if you had children...

- Here we go.
- Children give your life a purpose.

You're so busy taking care of them

you don't have time
to wonder if you're happy.

You know, this is so like you.

I invite you on a nice shopping trip
and you find ways to upset me.

You didn't invite me. I invited myself.

You keep looking at your watch.
Is there some place you have to be?

No! And I am not one of those women
who has a hole in her heart

that can only be filled by a baby.

I like my life a lot.
It's very fulfilling.

Excuse my daughter-in-law.
She's very fulfilled.

- So he just blew you off?
- I told him another man asked me out.

It was a perfect opportunity
for Mike to be jealous, and nothing.

It doesn't work
if you don't bat your eyes.

I batted everything
that wasn't nailed down. Nothing.

- Thanks.
- So what's going on there?

- Gophers.
- Wow.

I'm sorry about Mike.
I know you like him.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I just
imagined an entire relationship

with this man that didn't exist.

There has been flirting.

And the flirting made me think he was
kind, trustworthy, honest and hygienic.

A guy just smiles at me three times
and I'm picking out wedding china.

- I'm a mess.
- But that's part of your charm.

That's what happened with Karl.

I only dated him a couple of months.
It was a disaster.

You think Mike is a Karl in disguise?

I don't know. What does that mean,
anyway? "My life is complicated."

If I wanted to sit around
I could do it on the can.

You're late. What's with the face?

I screwed up. I broke into
the Frome house and almost got caught.

What's "almost"?

I left something behind
with my prints on it.

- Did you ever hear of gloves?
- It's the suburbs.

I didn't think it'd matter.

Anyway, the police are running a check
and I'm in the system.

I gotta pull up stakes
before they come looking for me.

That's a sweet sound.
Laughter like that, huh?

Pisses me off.

If and when your cover is blown,
you disappear.

Until then,
you keep fixing the neighbors' pipes.

The longer I'm here,
the more I think we're wrong.

- These are nice people.
- My money says one of them isn't.

- Ho!
- Thanks.

No more screw-ups.

I'm getting something to drink.
Do you want something?

- Don't be mad.
- I waited for three hours for you.

I had to use a month's worth of
lunch money to pay for that room.

It's not my fault.
Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight.

- Really? Well, I don't see her now.
- She's watching her Mexican soap opera.

The rebel's virgin daughter is about to
be seduced by the escaped desperado.

So until she puts out,
Juanita won't even know that I'm gone.

Come on. I said I was sorry.

Just so you know, I've turned down
half the pep-squad for you.

You can't be serious.

I'm starting to think that... maybe
I should be with someone my own age.

I thought teenage girls bored you, John.

- I thought what we had was beyond that.
- So did I.

Why go back to something you don't want?

- I don't know.
- Maybe you're tired of me.

No. I want to be with you.

Then why are we arguing?

- Gabrielle!
- Damn it!

- The virgin gave it up already?
- I want you so bad.

- When can I see you again?
- Tomorrow.

Meet me at the mall after school.

- What about your mother-in-law?
- I'll think of something.

- Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
- Coming!

A donation?
Now Barcliff wants a donation?

Apparently we're in competition
with one other family.

A generous donation will ensure
our kids beat 'em out.

- How generous?
- 15 thousand.

- We don't have that.
- That's what I told them.

So what will we do? Public school is out
unless we move to a new district.

We're not moving.

Maybe it's time
that we look into home schooling.

- I know you did not just say that.
- Honey, it's got its advantages.

Kids at home school
do better in their later years.

They won't make it
if I have to spend all day with them.

Honey, sometimes
you've just got to make the sacrifice.

It's probably best for the kids.

Let's put them back in me
and cook them until they're civilized.

You'd be cool with that?

- I've never had plum pudding before.
- I'm serving it for Christmas.

I like to try out new recipes
before the actual holiday.

That way, if the cookbook's
gotten it wrong, I can fix it.

You must really like Christmas.

You and Mr. Van De Kamp
always have the best decorations.

I adore the holidays.

I never get depressed
if there's a decorated tree.

My mom and I would always
decorate our tree together.

- This Christmas is gonna be weird.
- Oh, Zach.

You know, my mother died
when I was young. She was hit by a car.

Oh.

It was right before Christmas,
as a matter of fact.

We were all singing carols
and the dog was howling

because everybody in my family
sings off-key except for me.

Anyway, it was a terrible ruckus.

So no one noticed when my mother
went out to give the neighbors a gift.

The next thing we heard
were brakes screeching.

Wow.

Most of my family went to the hospital

but I stayed home
because I was so young.

When I looked out the window
I saw my mother's blood on the street

and nobody was doing anything about it.

So I got a hose and I washed it off.

And once it was clean,
I felt so much better.

I've never told anyone
that story before.

Those are the most interesting ones.
The stories that we never tell anyone.

Yeah. You're probably right.

I have one.

It's more of a secret really.

I know why my mom killed herself.

- You do?
- It was something I did.

Something bad.

What did you do, Zach?

- Zach. Sweetheart.
- No. I shouldn't have said anything.

- If my dad found out...
- I won't tell your father!

- I can't get you involved.
- Zachary, it's all right!

What else did Zach tell you?

Just that Mary Alice killed herself
because of something he'd done.

- You couldn't get any more out of him?
- He was so nervous.

He started shaking then he just left.

OK, I think we should go to the police.

And tell them what?
We don't even have the note any more.

You have to get Zach to tell you
something so we have more to go on.

You don't understand.
This poor kid is scared out of his mind.

Bree, you're a woman.
Manipulate him. That's what we do.

- But how?
- How did you usually manipulate Rex?

Hello, Zachary.
Are you free for dinner tonight?

Sure.

Oh, good. Because last night
you put me in such a holiday mood.

I'm gonna make roast turkey
and candy yams and eggnog.

Have you ever had
real, old-fashioned eggnog?

- I don't think so.
- You are gonna love it.

It has quite a kick.

Me!

- Preston!
- Boys, could you stop...

Lynette was desperate
to avoid home schooling.

But she saw no options on the horizon.

Until a solution sailed into view.

Gabrielle, please.
You bought me enough things.

- You're the one who's shopping.
- Mama, you're in a rut.

We need to spice up your wardrobe.
Ooh. Here.

Try this one on. Go on. Try it on.

- How are you doing in there?
- Is it supposed to be so tight?

Yes, it's form-fitting.
You'll look great.

I don't think this dress
is right for me. I can't breathe.

Well, maybe I made a mistake.

While you change, I'm gonna make
a quick run to the book store.

- Wait! I'm coming with you!
- No! I'll just be a minute!

I'm coming with you!

Wait!

- Gabrielle! Wait!
- Ma'am!

Ma'am. Sorry, I'm gonna need to look
in your bags, please.

Fine. Just hurry up.

Right on time.

I don't know
where that blouse came from.

- Security.
- Keep your stupid blouse.

I have to find my daughter-in-law.
Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me!

- You have to come with us.
- Get your hands off me!

Hello.

- Hey, it's me.
- Oh, hi, Rex. How are you?

- Is something wrong?
- I was just about to grab dinner

and it occurred to me,
"What the heck? I'll go out."

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Mrs. Van De Kamp. Guess what. I found
all my mom's old Christmas stuff.

Oh. Sweetie,
I was just coming over to talk to you.

I am so sorry but something
important came up and I have to cancel.

- Really?
- We'll do it again.

We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner.
I promise.

Bye.

Mm. I got one. Kelly Halstatter.

In eighth grade,
she used to spit in my gym shoes.

Kelly Halstatter.

Kelly Halstatter. Here, look.

Two DUIs, one check-kiting
and an open bench warrant.

How tragic. By which I mean, "Yay".

You've been a good sport
coming on my shift with me.

Well, time flies when
you're on a stakeout in Cracktown.

- When does our official date begin?
- Taxpayers say 20 minutes. I say now.

- They're down.
- Thank you.

Honey, you read up on home schooling?

Yeah. It gave me some good ideas.
Well, one, anyway.

Great. What have you got?

You know how we agree that one of us
needs to stay home and parent the kids

and one of us needs to make a living?

I remembered that when I was working
I made a little more than you.

- What are you doing?
- You tossed out that sacrifice comment.

It occurred to me, I've made sacrifices
over the past six years.

I gave up my career.

If another sacrifice has to be made,
I think it's your turn.

- Lynette?
- If I went back to work,

you could stay home
and take care of the kids.

I can't be with the kids all day.
I'd lose my mind.

Uh-huh.

Hey. OK, I get it.
Home schooling is out.

How are we gonna scrape together
15 grand for this endowment?

Mm. How, how, how...

Think. Think real hard.

- Oh, no.
- Aye-aye.

The restaurant's run by
an old guy named Arinello.

He will propose to you. Don't say yes
because he's dead serious.

But what if I like him?

Hey. I thought this went to the lab.

All right. You got me.

- And that means what?
- Look, Susan.

No one would authorize lab time or
a computer search for a case like this.

- It's just not a priority.
- So why couldn't you just tell me that?

Well, I thought we were clicking.
Does this need to be a big deal?

Well, if you'd only lied to me
about it once it wouldn't be.

All right. I get it.
You want me to beg. OK.

Look at me. I'm begging.

Come on.
Don't be such a girl about this.

I know who you are.
You're a Karl in disguise.

I'm done with you. All of you.

Oh, come on, drama queen.
What are you doing?

Where are you going? It's not safe.

I'd rather take my chances
on the street, thank you very much.

Why do I always pick the psychos?

Excuse me. I'm a little lost.

You best be lost. This here's my corner.

Oh, yes. And a lovely corner it is.

And I hate to bother you
while you're working.

Could you point me
in the direction of a payphone?

Oh, if you have some change
for this five. Preferably quarters.

If I got paid in quarters,
I'd be doing something very wrong.

Right. OK.

Thank you.

Hey. You want to use my cell?
I have weekend minutes.

Thank you so much.
You're saving my life.

- Excuse me, honey.
- Oh, yes. You do what you've got to do.

Oh, please answer.
Come on. Pick up, Julie.

Oh, thank God. Don't ask any questions.

Just get somebody down here to pick me
up at the corner of Ninth and Foster.

Hey, babe.

Thank you. No. I'm on a break.
Hurry, please.

Excuse me. We got a call.
Something about a break-in.

One of your neighbors saw someone
breaking into your home.

We sent some guys out to investigate
and uh...

- What is it?
- I gotta tell you, ma'am.

I thought I'd seen a lot on the job,
but this is something else.

So let me get this straight.

He chopped down one of our pine trees?

I'm afraid so.

Zach, why did you do this?

- I don't know.
- Take off those handcuffs, please.

- Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in.
- This is not up for discussion.

Go ahead.

Sir, you can't...

Zach.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah.

Then how much for a trip
around the world?

I can't believe Julie sent you.
She is soon gonna be dead.

Come on. Get in.

- Wasn't that sent in for prints?
- No. The cop lied to me.

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Just asking.

Yes. Apparently they found
a blouse in her bag.

I don't know, Carlos. At some point
older people start to get confused.

She probably thought she paid for it.

No, no charges. Everything's fine.

OK. I'll tell her. Bye.

Carlos is gonna be late for dinner.
It's just the two of us.

- What would you like to eat?
- I'm not hungry.

OK. Suit yourself.

Don't go yet. I need to talk to you.

It's important. Please.

I married Diego Solis
when I was 16 years old.

A few months into our marriage,
he started to beat me.

I didn't know what to do.

Juanita, I had no idea.

It got so bad that I started
praying to God to let me die.

But God, in his infinite wisdom,
gave me a reason to live.

Carlos.

Ah, he was a beautiful baby.

But my husband wasn't much of a father.

He never held him. He would yell
and scream at him for no reason at all.

One night, when Carlos was four,

Diego Solis came home drunk.

He beat my Carlos.

Something inside me snapped.

At that moment,
I found a way to be strong.

So I made sure that Diego Solis

never hurt my son or me ever again.

What did you do?

Well, if you pray hard enough, God
gives you the tools to your salvation.

Carlos said that his father left
for a waitress in El Paso.

Mm-hm. That's what he was told.

All mothers know
they have to protect their children.

But some of us take our job
more seriously than others.

I don't know why you're telling me this.

I think you do.

OK. I know you're mad at me.

I'm sorry I didn't stop you
going out with that guy.

I'm not just mad at you.
I'm mostly mad at myself.

- OK.
- I'm mad that I like you so much

without knowing anything about you.

Oh. What do you want to know?

- What's your favorite food?
- Mexican.

- Favorite sport?
- Football.

- Favorite band?
- Elvis Costello.

- That's a guy, not a band.
- It's a guy with a band.

What do you think of me?

I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- This is insane!

- Do you even care about me?
- Do not talk that way!

- Mrs. Van De Kamp.
- Hi, Zach.

I wanted to see if
everything was all right.

- Everything's fine.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, OK. I'll see you tomorrow then.

I'm sure that you will.

People by their very nature are always
on the lookout for intruders...

trying to prevent those
on the outside from getting in.

But there will always be those
who force their way into our lives,

just as there will be those
we invite in.

Hi.

But the most troubling of all

will be the ones
who stand on the outside looking in.

The ones we never truly get to know.