Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Who's That Woman? - full transcript

Cash-strapped Mrs. Huber figures out that Susan had something to do with Edie's house fire and tries to blackmail her, in which Susan is forced to recruit her daughter Julie to find Mrs. Huber's incriminating evidence. Carlos becomes suspicious that Gabrielle is seeing another man, but targets the wrong suspect: the cable guy instead of gardener John. Lynette balks when the twins' teacher insists the boys have A.D.D. but tries to salvage the matter by separating the boys. Bree struggles with her rebellious son Andrew after Rex moves out. Both Susan and Edie continue to vie for Mike Delfino's affections, both of whom are unaware he has an agenda when he's revealed to have a map and personal files on all Wisteria Lane residents, including Susan. The ladies show Paul the anonymous blackmail/death threat letter sent to Mary Alice, unaware that he already knows about Mary Alice's troubled life and he secretly hires a mysterious "associate" named Mr. Shaw, to find out who sent Mary Alice the letter.

Anybody home?

"Previously on" Desperate Housewives...

- "Susan played with fire..."
- That's not my cup.

And could get burned.

Go to a spa, go shopping.
Find a way to relax.

- "Gabrielle... found herself a playmate."
- Get here as fast as you can.

Lynette couldn't get her kids
to stop playing.

- Do you know why I pulled you over?
- I have a theory.

If I don't get some sleep, I'll be
forced back upstairs out of exhaustion.

And Bree played hard ball.

Everyone has a little dirty laundry.

When I was alive, I maintained
many different identities.

Lover, wife and, ultimately, victim.

Yes, labels are important to the living.
They dictate how people see themselves.

Like my friend Lynette.

She used to see herself as a career
woman, and a hugely successful one.

She was known for her power lunches,

her eye-catching presentations,

and her ruthlessness
in wiping out the competition.

"But Lynette" gave "up"
her career to assume a new label.

The incredibly satisfying role
of full-time mother.

[Phone rings]

Scavo residence. Yes, this is me.


But, unfortunately for Lynette,

this new label frequently
fell short of what was advertised.

How in the world did they?

I left the door to the art supply
cupboard open for five minutes.

That's all. Five minutes.

The little girl,
why didn't she say anything?

Your boys work quickly.

Well, obviously they will be
punished for this severely.

I hesitate bringing this up, since you
got so ugly about it last time...

They don't have Attention Deficit
Disorder, and I won't drug my boys

just to make your job easier.

I'd rather change teachers.

They're in my class because I'm
the only teacher who can handle them.

What if we separate the twins,
put them in different classes?

They're calmer when they're not
bouncing off one another.

We can try that,
but if it doesn't work,

we may no longer
be able to accommodate them.

It suddenly occurred to Lynette,

her label was about
to change yet again.

And for the next few years,
she would be known as

the mother of the boys
who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue.

It looked to be an interesting
afternoon on Wisteria Lane.

A mysterious cassette tape had been
discovered by my friend Bree.

She had stolen it
from her marriage counselor.

A counselor I'd once spoken to
in strictest confidence.

[Goldfine] How have you been?

- "I had the nightmare again."
- It's weird to hear Mary Alice.

- "Still the same one?"
- "Yes."

But this time I was standing in a river
and I saw the girl under the water.

She kept screaming "Angela"
over and over again.

What do you think the significance
of the name "Angela" is?

Actually, that's my real name.

Her real name?

I've seen her driver's license.
I did not say Angela.

- What does the rest of the tape say?
- More about her nightmares,

and this girl she was afraid of.

So what the hell do we do now?

I think we should show Paul the note.

Are you sure? He's gonna freak.

It's now or never.

I saw what he's asking for the place.
It's gonna sell quickly.

Can I say something?

- I'm glad Paul's moving.
- Gabby.

I'm sorry. He's just always
given my the creeps.

Haven't you guys noticed,
he has this dark thing going on?

Something about him just feels...

- Malignant?
- Yes.

We've all sort of felt it.

That being said, I do love
what he's done with that lawn.

- Mom, the dish is clean.
- Huh? Oh.

I don't understand why you don't just
ask him out on an official date date.

I'm trying a new strategy.
I'm playing hard to get.

- How long can keep that up?
- Maybe until noon.

Then I'm going to have to run over there
and beg him to love me.

Uh, Mom, I don't think you're
gonna be able to wait that long.

You got to be kidding.
She washed her car yesterday.

Oh, no, she's not.

Yep, she's bringing out the big guns.

You better get over there.
She's wearing cotton.

What do I say? "I saw you half-naked
and I thought I'd drop by"?

- What's that?
- Mike's junk mail we got by mistake.

I held onto it
in case of an emergency.

God bless you.

- Hi.
- Hey, Susan.

We got this by mistake.

Oh, thanks.

I hope it's not important.

No, it's just a promotion
for the Rialto film festival.


Well, I guess I've done
my good deed for the day.

I'll just head back home.


- Hey, you like old movies?
- I love old movies.

I hate Susan Mayer.

Every time I see those big doe eyes
of hers, I swear to God

I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

What has she done this time?

She is out there throwing herself
at Mike Delfino, again.

- Susan likes Mike?
- Where the hell have you been, Martha?

She's been lusting after him
ever since he moved in.

I got your message. What's going on?

The boys refuse to be separated.

They refuse? [scoffs]
They're six years old. Make them.

The school regulations are pretty strict
about me wrestling with the boys.

But if you want to give it a shot,
be my guest.


Oh, which one goes
and which one stays?

You pick.

[Indistinct shouts
from boys and Lynette]

[Lynette] Come on now. Stop it! No. No.

I'm gonna take the whole table.
That's right.

- Ooh.
- Come on now. I mean it.

I love taking baths.
Especially with you.

It's like taking a vacation
from the world.

I hated taking baths when I was a kid.

Of course, back then, the only thing
I had to play with was my rubber ducky.

- [Doorbell]
- Who's that?

It's Mr. Solis.

Relax. Carlos is at work
and he doesn't ring the doorbell.

It's the cable guy.
He's three hours late.

Use the side entrance.

Gabrielle knew her vacation
from the world had ended.

What she didn't know was
John had left behind a souvenir.

Dad didn't come home last night.

- They had a fight. A bad one.
- How bad?

Like divorce court bad.


Listen to her. She always
overcompensates when she's worried.

If Dad moves out and leaves us
with her, I'll lose my mind.

[Sighs contentedly]
Dinner is on the table.

Mom, where did Dad go last night?

He got a last minute call to speak at
a medical conference in Philadelphia.

Take your seats.

- [Sighs]
- This marriage is so over.


Sorry I was late.
The scheduler overbooked me.

- How long are you going to be?
- Almost done.

What is that scent? Is that sage
and citrus? That's amazing.

Try to hurry. I have stuff to do.

Come on.

What's happening?

The cable guy fell. He hit his head
on the tub. He may have a concussion.

- It's almost eight.
- He was late.

- Mrs. Huber.
- Hello, Susan. I made you a pie.

Oh, wow! Why?

Do I need a motive
to do something nice?

I can't wait for you
to try this. It's mincemeat.

- Actually, I just had dinner.
- That's OK. You can save it for later.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking of that expression,
"I'll make mincemeat out of you".

Mincemeat used to be
an entr?e of mostly chopped meat,

so it was like saying,

"I'll chop you up into little bits."
But that was centuries ago.

Today, mincemeat is mostly made
of fruit, spices and rum.

There's no meat in it and still people
say, "I'll make mincemeat out of you."

- People don't really say that anymore.
- I do.

- So, Susan, how are you?
- I'm fine.

Good. You know,
I have a confession to make.

I wish I'd been more
supportive when Karl left you.

Oh, you don't have to apologize about
Karl. Really, Karl and I are over.

- I've moved on.
- I know.

You've moved on to that nice Mike
Delfino. He's quite a catch, isn't he?

- You like him, don't you?
- Ah, sure, as a friend.

Oh, Susan.

Being coy is a strategy best employed
by virgins at their first dance.

For women of our age,
it's just annoying.

- You sure you don't want pie?
- No, thank you.

I hope it works out with you and Mike.
You've been so desperate to land him.

What? I am not desperate.

Good lord, Susan,
you burned your rival's house down.

If that isn't desperate,
I don't know what is.

Mrs. Huber, with all due respect,
you're crazy.

- What's that?
- I think you recognize it.

I found it in the ruins of Edie's home.

- Well, that's not...
- Shh. My point is this.

I wasn't there for you when Karl left,
but I am now.

As far as I'm concerned,
this is our secret.

And no one ever need know.

Oh, Susan.

You don't know how good it feels
to finally be able to help you.

You look so pale.

Now, I insist you try some of my pie.

Go on.

Did I mention it's mincemeat?

[Audible gulp]

- Open the door, please.
- Hang on.

- What?
- May I come in?

- No.
- I want to talk to you.

- Then talk.
- Where were you last night?

- Brian's.
- I just spoke to Brian's mother.

Tell me again where you were,
and this time don't lie to me.

Where did you say Dad
was again? In Philadelphia?

Andrew, don't change the subject.

Sorry, I thought
the subject was telling lies.

I called Dad's cell phone.
I know he moved out.

Well, it's just temporary and...

...I thought it would upset you.

Whatever. You lied.

So stop pretending like you
have some sort of moral authority.

Just because I don't share
my problems with you

doesn't give you the right to be rude.

How about driving my father away.
Do I get to be rude then?

- Hi.
- What's this?

- It's a sock.
- It's a man's sock.

I found it under our bed.
It's not mine.

Oh, for God sakes, Carlos,
it's Yao Lin's.

Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?

No, she dusts with them.


[Exasperated sigh]

See? Socks instead of rags.

- Susan, hello.
- Mrs. Huber.

Did you and Mike come together?
I saw him in the fresh produce aisle.

No. Like I told you.
We're just friends.


By the way, if I didn't
make it clear yesterday,

I absolutely did not do
that thing you accuse me of.

Hey, Susan. Hey, Mrs. Huber.

- Nice to see you, Mike.
- Hey.

You like Alfred Hitchcock? They're
doing a retrospective at the Rialto.


...l'm not really a fan.

[Laughs] Come on,
how can you not like Hitchcock?

I just, uh, don't.

Oh. OK.

Well, uh, nice to see you.
You too, Mrs. Huber.

You're so silly. Pretending not
to like him on my account.

I mean, really.

- Will you just drop it?
- You shouldn't be rude to me.

Your secret is not
an easy burden to bear.

That insurance company
is putting Edie through hell.

- But still I've said nothing.
- Well...

The longer it takes for her payment,
the longer she'll be staying with me.

Eating me out of house and home.
Using up my hot water.

What exactly is it
you want from me, Mrs. Huber?

Are these together?

Ring it up.

If the school and the pediatrician
think the twins could be medicated,

then what's the problem?

I used to run a company with 85 people,

and now I can't wrangle three small boys
without doping them?

- Talk about feeling like a failure.
- You are a great mother.

But, let's face it,
your kids are a challenge.

Thank you. That's the nicest way
you could've said that.

When they're not making me
want to tear my hair out,

they're actually really sweet.

I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff,
I'm going to change the good stuff.

- It's a tough call.
- Like this mug.

I love this mug. If I medicate them,
will they still make me a mug like this?

- You know, it's leaking.
- Yeah, I know.

We talked to Paul. We told him
we need to show him something.

He's on his way over.

So, Paul, we notice that
you're selling the house.

Yes, too many painful memories.
I'm sure you understand.

Before you move, there's
something you should know.

It seems there may be more to Mary
Alice's death than you are aware of.


Remember when you asked us
to pack her things?

- When we did we found a note.
- And we think you should have it.

You can see from the postmark, Mary
Alice probably got it the day she died.

- Paul, are you going to be OK?
- No.

- Have you always cleaned with socks?
- Yes.

- What is that, a Japanese thing?
- I am Chinese.

- I don't like lying.
- Yeah?

I don't like your ironing, so there.

- What are you doing here?
- Carlos found this under the bed.

Oh, crap.

It's OK. It was close call,
but I managed to cover.

I got you these, so from now on,

we can't let Carlos see you wearing
anything resembling a gym sock.

You want me to mow your lawn
in sandals. I could lose a toe.

Imagine what you'd lose if he finds
out you're trimming more than the hedge.

Uh... yeah.

Why are your friends staring at me?

- Did you tell them about us?
- No.

They're staring 'cause
they think you're hot.

Oh... OK. [giggles]

It's 9.30.
What is your brother thinking?

[Sighs] Want my advice? Call Dad.
Tell him to go kick Andrew's ass.

I am perfectly capable of handling this
without your father.

- I'm sorry.
- Where's your cell phone?

- Call Andrew. Find out where he is.
- He'll know you're behind this.

He won't. Just act normal.

Hey, it's me. Ah, what's going on?

He knows.

This is your mother.

I am rapidly reaching the end
of my patience with you.

Where are you?
Are you at a bar?

Andrew? Andrew?

- Mom?
- He hung up on me.

What are you gonna do?

[Wolf whistles]

[Man] Shake it, baby!

Over here!

Heath. Lan. Andrew.

Mom, how did you even
know I was here?

- You went in my room?
- You think that's bad?

Tomorrow morning, I'm cleaning it.
Oh, by the way, Heath.

That was a lovely solo
last week at church.

Thank you. We're out of here.

I hope it wasn't something I said.

Well, Andrew, shall we?

You just humiliated me
in front of my friends.

- I'm not going anywhere with you.
- Fine.

- What are you doing?
- Staying for the show.

I'm dying to see
what all the fuss is about.

Excuse me, I'll have
a glass of your house chardonnay.

Of course, ma'am.

I'm curious. As you fantasize
about this woman,

do you ever stop and think
how she came to be on this runway?

That's someone's little girl.

And that someone probably
had a lot of dreams for her.

Dreams that did not include
a thong and a pole.

It's not going to work, OK?
I'm not budging.

God knows what
she's had to deal with in life.

Abject poverty, drugs, domestic
violence, maybe even molestation.


Now she treats herself the way
men treat her. Like an object.

A piece of meat.

That does it. Kid, get her out of here.

She's killing it for the rest of us.

[Susan's voice] We're not here,
leave a message.

It's Mrs. Huber, Susan, are you there?
I can see your lights are on.

I hope you're not screening. That's so
tacky. Listen. I need to talk to you.

My water heaterjust burst
and it's gonna cost $600 for a new one.

And I can't afford that.

I'm just beside myself.
Call me as soon as you get in.

Julie, honey, wake up.
We need to talk.

- Can't this wait until morning?
- I think I'm being blackmailed.

And when I realized
I couldn't put out the fire, I ran.

I must've dropped
the measuring cup.

Why do I even let you out of the house?

I can't let her get away with this.

The only thing to do
is go to the police.

You can't do that.

I don't think
they'll throw me in jail.

It was an accident.

Dad won't care if it was an accident.

He'll just use this
as an excuse to reopen custody.

- Mom, I don't want to live with Dad.
- I know.

- I need to talk to you.
- Cool. Sure.

- You were working Tuesday, right?
- Yeah.

You remember the cable guy showing up?

And you usually work till
what time, five?


Damn it. That means
he was in the house for four hours.

Wait. Now that I think about it,
I might not have seen him.

Either you saw him or you didn't.
Which is it?

I didn't.


...did my wife ask you to lie for her?

Mr. Solis, uh... I really don't want
to get in the middle of anything.

Thank you.
That's all I needed to know.

- Let's run through it one more time.
- Mom, it's not brain surgery.

You stand guard, I crawl
through Mrs. Huber's doggy door.

Once inside, I find
the measuring cup. Simple.

I hate that I'm turning you
into a little thief.

It's our cup.
We're just taking back what's ours.

That's right. Ethically,
we have nothing to be ashamed about.

Oh. Wear these. I don't want you
to leave finger prints.

There she goes. OK. Move.

Oh, so glad to be playing Frisbee again.
Here you go. Coming at ya.

All right. Back up a little more.
There you go.

Whoo! All right. Here we go.

Oh, my, whoops! You better go
get that. Yeah. Hah!

- Mike.
- Hey, Susan. I thought that was you.

Uh... Yeah. Julie and I are out
tossing a Frisbee around,

and it flew off
into Mrs. Huber's back yard.

- Oh, you need some help?
- No, no, no. Julie's got it.

OK. I'm glad I ran into you. I wanted to
make sure things were OK between us.

- The other day, you seemed distant.
- Distant? What do you mean?

I mean, you're not mad at me
for some reason, are you?

No. No, not at all.

'Cause I'm gonna take one more shot.

I got tickets for a Billy Wilder
retrospective, Wednesday night.

- I'd love to take you with me.
- You are so sweet. I'd love to go.

All right.

Edie, I thought you'd be at work.

I'm not feeling well. I got a sunburn
the other day washing my car.

Well, don't just run off.
Come and hang out with us.

- Boy, you are one sick ticket.
- What?

It's not bad enough I have to watch you
throw yourself at him every day.

Now you want to make sure
I see it up close and personal?

- No, it's not like that.
- I've got to take off.

I'll call about Wednesday night, OK?

Edie, wait.

Uh... [sigh]

Mike and I were gonna go see
the movies on Wednesday

and I thought it would be fun
if you joined us.

- You want me to come with you?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's OK, isn't it, Mike?
- Well, it's a limited engagement.

And it's sold out.
I've only got two tickets.

Edie, wait.
You should take my ticket.

Really? Is that OK with you, Mike?

Uh, yeah, sure.

So, uh, what time
do you want to pick me up?

Well, um...

[Edie and Mike continue indistinct]

- [Knock on door]
- Hang on.


You think you can have sex
with anyone you want, huh?

Carlos couldn't help
but feel proud of himself.

After all,
he'd just defended his honor.

Or had he?

[Cable guy groaning]

- Are you gay?
- Yes. Is that why you're doing this?

Uh... yeah.

"...will you buy some chocolates?"


Hey, Paul, what's up?

I wanted to apologize
for my outburst yesterday.

Don't worry about it.
We unloaded a lot on you.

I suppose you're wondering why
I reacted so violently to that note.

It did... cross our minds.

Well, the truth is,
Mary Alice was not a well person.

She was very troubled.

- Troubled?
- At first it was harmless.

She'd leave herself notes,
reminders like,

"Pick up the milk" or
"Zach has a dentist appointment."

But over time the notes became ugly.
Hateful messages started showing up.

Mary Alice was writing them to me,
to Zach, to herself.

- Really?
- That's why I lost it.

I was reminded of what
Zach and I had been through.

- Paul, I'm so sorry.
- We had no idea.


Anyway, I'd appreciate it
if you kept this to yourselves.


- For Zach's sake.
- Of course. Of course.


- Wow.
- Yeah.

- I think he's lying.
- Huh. So do I.

[Boys making airplane noises]

Bang! Bang! Bang!

You didn't get me! Bang! Bang!

Boys, could you get in here, please?

- He broke my plane.
- Did not.

We'll discuss that later.
I need you to take medicine.

- Are we sick?
- Not exactly. This is special medicine.

It's like a vitamin
and you'll take it every day, OK?


Stay right there.

[Boys chuckle]

- Now open up.
- Uh-uh.

- Here, you...
- No.

- Guys, this is a... Guys, here...
- Nope.

In that moment,
Lynette made a decision.

When it came to
dealing with her children,

medication was no longer an option.

Of course, given her continuing level
of frustration,

Lynette also felt a little
self-medication couldn't hurt.

So what's your strategy?

Are you just never gonna
speak to me again?

Something like that.


I suppose I do owe you an apology.

Careful. I wouldn't want you
to strain yourself.

I shouldn't have lied
about your father.

You two are old enough to handle
the truth and I'm sorry.

Keep going.

I'm mad at you
for about 7,000 other things.

If you think I'll apologize for taking
you out of a strip club, you're wrong.

I consider it one of my finest moments.

[Sighs] Oh, Andrew.

I know you blame me
for what's happening with your father,

but it's not entirely my fault
and I need you to understand that.

I do.

I just... don't want him to leave.

Neither do I.

- Mom.
- Yeah?

When can I have my door back?

- Three months.
- [Groans]

Royal Oaks was the scene
of a hate crime today.

Jonathan Lisco, local gay activist
and part-time female impersonator,

was brutally attacked in his home.

Lisco speculated the attack
was in response to his efforts

to secure same-sex partner insurance
coverage from his employer,

Cliffside Cable.

Police are circulating
this sketch of the assailant.

[Lisco] The circumstances
speak for themselves.

I've taken a strong stance
with my company.

Is there something
you want to ask me?


You took it, didn't you?

- Good evening, Mrs. Huber.
- It's my fault for not hiding the cup.

If you're capable of arson, you're
capable of breaking and entering.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I suppose you destroyed it.

Again, I don't know what
you're talking about, but... yeah, I did.

I was going to keep your secret.
It's a shame you couldn't trust me.

You're a piece of work.
Do you know that?

Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant.

We can go back to the same friendly
relationship we've always had.

I will keep my lawn looking nice.

And make sure my music
isn't played too loud.

And if I get some of your mail,
heck, I'll run it right over,

'cause that's what good neighbors do.

But from now on,
when I run into you on the street,

and I say, "Good morning, Mrs. Huber"
or "How are you, Mrs. Huber?"

Just know that inside

I am quietly
but decidedly hating your guts.

Careful, dear, let's not say things
we'll live to regret.

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

He actually said
Mary Alice was crazy?

Not in so many words,
but everything Paul said

made it seem
like she was schizophrenic.

I think he's hiding something.
I know it.

But wait, what about the tape?
She did say her name was Angela.

Mary Alice was not crazy.

My father was a prosecutor and he always
said that the simplest explanation

was usually right.

Remember what the note said:
"I know what you did. It makes me sick.

And I'm going to tell."

That's not something
someone writes to themselves.

That's a message sent by an enemy.

So exactly what is it
you hired me to do?

It's very simple really.

Someone sent that note to my wife
and I need to know who.

What type of person
would send such a note?

Was it an enemy? Of course.

But what kind? An acquaintance?

A stranger?

Or how about a neighbor
that lives a few feet away?