Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 17 - There Won't Be Trumpets - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives:

The police showed me your rap sheet.
You killed a man.

- Want to hear what happened?
- It doesn't matter.

I will never believe
anything you say ever again.

Unexpected visitors...

- She's cheating on you?
- I think so.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you.

...lead to unexpected consequences.

Andrew, you almost killed
another human being.

She's lived her life.

I have my whole life ahead of me
and now it might be screwed up.



In the coma ward
at Sacred Heart Hospital,

the dreams begin just after midnight.

The pitch black of night
gives way to vivid images

that comfort the dreamer
until the morning.

Gus, the custodian,

dreams of some day winning the lottery

and quitting his thankless job.

Howard, the security guard,

envisions a luxurious retirement
in the tropics.

Ruth Ann, the night nurse,

fantasises about leaving her husband.

But the most vivid dreams of all
belong to the patient in Room 312.

Yes, Juanita Solis had been
dreaming steadily for five months.

Sometimes, of the shocking secret
she had uncovered.



Other times, she dreamt of the accident
that had put her in the hospital.

But her most common dream

was the one in which
she finally told her son the truth.

And then one night,

Juanita Solis decided it was time

to wake up.

Hello?

Is anybody here?

I have to call my son.

Even though she knew she was
about to die, Juanita didn't care.

The truth was finally going to come out.

Tell my son his wife is cheating on him.

Oh, my God.

Sadly for Juanita, this was
one dream that would never come true.

We all honour heroes
for different reasons.

Sometimes for their bravery,

sometimes for their daring,

sometimes for their goodness.

But mostly we honour heroes
because, at one point or another,

we all dream of being rescued.

Susan, I know you're in there.
We have to talk.

This is crazy.

I know.

Everything the cop said is true.
I did kill somebody.

But there's one thing they didn't
tell you. I killed for you, Susan.

Susan, if I can't have you,
no one else can.

Shut up.

Susan, are you home?

Susan? Your car's here.
I know you're in there.

I was hoping we could talk for a minute.

Susan, maybe you should have waited
till I left to do that.

I know you don't want to see me
right now but I owe you an explanation,

and it's all in there, everything
you ever wanted to know about my past,

my reasons for doing what I did.

It's all there.

Hey.

Guys, come on. What are you doing?

You know, just bonding,
discussing current events...

If you'd just parked across
the street I could have let you go.

Why don't you just pretend like we did?

Get out of the car.

- Get this.
- Hey.

Stop the car.

I can't believe it. Two months
from graduation and he's expelled.

We are just lucky that security guard
did not press charges.

- So what are we going to do?
- I'm glad that you asked.

- What are these?
- Brochures for youth detention centres.

How long have you had these?

They've been in the drawer a few months.
I felt we might need them.

Bree, I don't know.

We have to admit that we need help.

If we can't get through to Andrew,
we need someone who can.

You want to send our son
away to some prison camp?

Don't be so dramatic.
Some of these places actually look fun.

Look. Camp Hennessey.

"Teaches kids respect for authority
and boundaries

in a summer camp atmosphere."

The perimeter is surrounded by
an electrified fence.

You have to admit that's an efficient
way to teach respect for boundaries.

OK, how about this one?
It's perfect for Andrew.

It's a ranch in Montana. It has lots
of fresh air and plenty of open spaces.

- Daily classes on anger management.
- I'm not comfortable with this.

All right, how about this one? It's
in the desert and it's very reasonable.

The barracks are a little bit bleak
but that recidivism rate is to die for.

Bree, I'm not doing it.
I'm not sending my son away.

It's easy for you, isn't it?

You're not the one he's rude to,
the one he challenges every day.

- You're not the one he hates.
- I'll talk to him. All right?

I'll sit him down for a little
old-fashioned heart-to-heart.

You talk to him all you want.

I'm gonna check out
the place with the electrified fence.

Listen, my children, and you shall hear

Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere

Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch

Of the North Church tower

One if by land, two if by sea

And I on the opposite shore will be

Hi, I wanted to introduce myself
to your mom. I'm Lynette Scavo.

Hi, Lynette. I'm Alisa Stevens.

I'm sorry. I thought...

I read lips.

A lot of the time,
signing is just easier.

I don't like to misunderstand,
or to be misunderstood.

- And I'm Lily.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi, Mom.

- That's my son, Matt.
- My twins talk about Matt all the time.

- We should set up a play date.
- Sounds great.

- Let's have dinner too.
- I'd love to.

- The British are coming.
- Giddy-up.

Even better, let's just keep it adults.

Babe, they blinked.

- We got 'em by the short hairs.
- Who blinked?

The DA. I just spoke with the lawyers.

- They offered a plea bargain.
- And that's good?

It means they know they got a weak case.
They don't think they can win.

- It's over.
- Oh, my God.

- That means we can keep the house.
- No, we still have to sell the house.

- I gotta pay the lawyers.
- You said they offered a plea bargain.

Yeah, but we're not gonna take that.

Put me down.

Honey, it would mean
me going to jail for eight months.

I think that's pretty reasonable,
as you're guilty as sin.

You were fine with selling.

Before I knew we could trade
a couple of months in prison to keep it.

What?

No, this is her daughter-in-law.

Is it the hospital? Is it Mama?

Thank you. Yes.

Gabby?

I'm sorry, Carlos.

Some believe people
are judged by the way they live life,

and others by the way they leave it.

I like the Lexington mahogany
with gold leaf.

It has a pink velvet interior
and drapes,

plus it's hand-engraved so
in case of a flood or earthquake,

they'll at least know which one is hers.

Don't you think
that's a little over the top?

Only the best for Mama.

These funeral homes make a fortune
trying to convince people to overspend.

- What are you saying?
- Your mother was sensible.

She wouldn't be comfortable
with bells and whistles.

Maybe this one. Wood veneer.

- What?
- You never liked Mama.

It's awfully hard to like someone
who actively hates your guts.

She thought you married beneath you
and let me know it.

- She loved you.
- She treated me like trash.

God rest her soul.

I'm putting my mother in the grave.
Now is not the time to pinch pennies.

Carlos, we're not exactly
flush with cash right now.

Let her be true to her roots.
She was born humble.

- And barefoot.
- She was a queen.

What did Mike say
when he gave you the letter?

- That it explains everything.
- Does it?

- I haven't read it.
- Why not?

- I just can't.
- I'd have ripped it open with my teeth.

Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?

Yes. But what if it's just
a bunch of far-fetched stories?

- You should assume that it is.
- Why?

Think how good men are
at lying on the spot.

God forbid you should
give them time and a pen.

Edie, could you stop by the site?
I've blueprints of the master bath.

I'll see you in a few, Bill.

My new contractor.
We're sort of dating.

Didn't you once say you never mix
business with pleasure?

No, I said never mix pleasure
with commitment.

Right.

- What are you gonna do with the letter?
- Would you open it up already?

No, I won't.

I don't trust Mike any more
and without trust...

No. I'm just gonna go in
and rip it up and throw it in the trash.

- Why don't we rip it up now?
- No.

That's OK. I don't wanna,
you know, litter.

She is so opening that letter.

While Carlos was making
arrangements to bury his mother,

Gabrielle was making sure
she'd be taking her secret to the grave.

Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis.

You're Nurse Hisel?

Yes. Hi.
When you said you were coming,

I collected all the personal things
your husband brought in

during Juanita's stay with us.

I assume that's why you're stopping by?

That's so thoughtful of you
but, actually, no.

No?

No, you see my husband and I
still don't have a clear account

as to how Juanita passed.

How?

Yes, did she die quietly,
in her sleep?

Yeah, that's usually how it happens.

I'm pretty sure that's how it happened.

Pretty sure?

I don't know exactly
because I wasn't with her at that time.

Was anyone with her?

An orderly, candy striper, anyone?

No. She was alone.

Thank you so much.
That's all I needed to hear.

Mrs Solis.

You can just toss that.

Great. Just great.

I think this is yours.

Yeah. I've been looking for this one.
Thanks.

I don't suppose you have
any idea where I found it?

Those little suckers
are drawn to bare feet and car tires.

Since you're not limping or bleeding...

This is only temporary.
You need to get it fixed.

- Thanks, I will.
- Seriously, it's not safe.

You'll only get
20 or 30 miles out of it.

All right, I promise.

Hey, listen.
I'm about to break for lunch.

- How would you like to join me?
- Lunch?

Yeah, lunch.

Are you asking me out on a date?

That sounds kinda formal for a burrito
and a can of soda, but I guess I am.

Aren't you dating Edie?

We went out on a date. We're not dating.

So how about it? I'm buying.

I just got out of this relationship
with this guy, Mike.

It's kind of complicated.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I am right
now, emotionally. I'm all jumbled up.

I can't leap into something new,
relationship-wise, at the moment.

Again, just a burrito.

- I'm sorry.
- OK, I understand.

Sounds like you need time
to reflect and heal.

- I do, I really do.
- OK.

I'll check back with you again tomorrow.

This is so delicious.

I don't know how you find the time,
with four kids.

Only for first-time guests.

Normally, you'd be having chicken
fingers and cartoon-shaped macaroni.

- If that.
- Hey, shut up.

Tom, you're in advertising, right?

I worked five years at Simon and Scott.

I started at Simon and Scott.

I hated those guys.

- We have to talk.
- Yes...

Who do you know there now?

It's all over now. They'll be
talking shop for the rest of the night.

Alisa loves talking about Alisa.

Well, Lynette loves
talking about Lynette too.

I don't believe that for a second.

You and your husband seem pretty solid.

We're going through some tough stuff.
We're in counselling.

- Really? More steak?
- It's her idea.

It's not the most pleasant way
to spend an hour.

Basically, I look at the clock
and she blames me for everything.

I don't think you should be talking
about Alisa with her so...

It's OK, it's not like she can hear.

Maybe I will have some more
of that potato stuff.

He actually said those things,
with her sitting right there?

It was really nasty,
and he wouldn't shut up, either.

I can't believe you said
we'd play tennis.

That was before I knew he was a jerk.
She was great.

Look what she taught me.

It means "I love you."

That's great. What am I gonna do?

- What do you mean?
- Obviously she needs to be told.

No, she doesn't.
This is between Dennis and Alisa.

How can I ignore this? And I quote:
"It's not like she can hear."

Lynette, you're starting to ramp up
into that whole meddling thing you do.

- Excuse me?
- Let me handle it.

Let's avoid a big thing.

Are you saying I can't be tactful?

If he says something at tennis,

I will take him aside, man to man,
and say, "That's not cool."

Are you saying I'm not tactful?

Andrew, I need you
to take out the trash.

- Sure.
- Now, not five hours from now.

I'm going. God...

I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight
so I'm gonna need 40 bucks.

No.

- What?
- You no longer get an allowance.

Fine. I'm not taking out the trash.

Andrew.

What are you gonna do? Torture me?
Go ahead, I can take it.

What I want, what I have always wanted,
is for you to be happy.

And you're not,
and I have no idea how to help you.

You could start
by getting out of the way.

I will not.
We're gonna talk about this now.

I said, get out of the way.

Next time you touch your mother,
I'll throw you through this wall.

You understand me?

Edie, wait up.
I wanna ask you something.

I can't stop.
I gotta keep my heart rate up.

I was just wondering how you'd feel
if I went out with Bill.

- What?
- Bill asked me out.

- Bill? My Bill?
- See, that's the thing.

He doesn't think of himself
as your Bill.

He said that date
was a one-time thing.

Which I know,
because when he asked me out

I told him I thought
you guys were involved.

- You haven't agreed to go out with him?
- No, I wanted to check with you first.

Wow, that's nice of you.

- So, can I?
- No.

Edie, why can't I go out with him?

Because I saw him first.

That's a really
third-grade thing to say.

You asked my permission, I said no.
That should be the end of it.

Technically,
I don't need your permission.

I so much wanna like you,
but you just won't let me.

I try. I try to look past your flaws.

Your klutziness.
That faux vulnerability. Your hair.

But you look for ways
to push my buttons.

He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Susan, please. Let me like you.

OK. I won't go out with him.

I mean, obviously,
you have feelings for him.

No, I don't. I really don't.

So what, then?
If you can't have him, nobody can?

See? Now you're thinking like a friend.

What a voice.

You have to hand it to the Catholics.
They do grief better than anyone.

How much did that horse and buggy
set us back?

- Do you mind?
- Being poor? A little.

Eyes front, Padre.

I can't believe Edie. She doesn't have
dibs on every man on the planet.

If I want to go out with Bill,
I should be able to.

- I thought you weren't even into him.
- Neither is she.

If she's not into him,
why can't I not be into him?

I'm gonna mourn now.

- Why are we slowing down?
- Because we're almost there.

What is that?

The family who owned it couldn't afford
the maintenance. I got an amazing deal.

- You bought your mother a crypt?
- Quiet. You're making a scene.

That's it.
I cannot be a part of this.

- I can't do it.
- Gabrielle.

Stop acting like a child.

Are we supposed to be following them?

I don't know.
Maybe it's part of the ritual.

Go to hell, Carlos.

All right, people,
we're going to follow the body.

This way, please. Come along.

This is too much.
I agreed to give up the house

because I thought I'd get
a gorgeous little apartment.

- Now I won't even get that.
- What do you want me to do?

- Take the plea.
- What?

You did the crime.
Why should I pay the price?

Just suck it up,
be a man and do the time.

- You're being ridiculous.
- Am I?

All I want is the same respect
you gave your dead mother.

- Gabby, please.
- At least she has a roof over her head.

Fifteen all.

Was that in?

- Nice try.
- Alisa, you're deaf, not blind.

It was a close call.

That's telling him.

I'm waiting for my moment.

Think her tennis stinks?
You should try her cooking.

Fifteen thirty.

Sorry.

I should have mentioned that my tennis
is much better than my cooking.

Hey.

That was fun. You play really well.

Thank you.

Gimme a break.
She serves underhand, for God's sake.

- What's your problem?
- Excuse me?

Do you have
any bottled water over there?

My electrolytes get all wacky
when I sweat.

She's your wife.
How can you talk about her like that?

Let me tell you what St Alisa is saying
with that phoney smile on her face.

"Move your ass, Dennis."
"Nice love handles, Dennis."

"Try switching deodorant, Dennis."

If you've got issues
with your wife, tell her.

- We're in counselling.
- It's not working too well, is it?

If you're unhappy,
do something instead of complaining.

Cos, frankly,
I don't want to hear it.

Hey, let's trade partners.

- Sure.
- Great.

Thanks.

I'll play with you.

Hey.

Hey. You did not take this in.

This should hold,
but you've got to take it in.

Thank you. I know. I'm going to.
It's on the top of my list.

That was hard work.

Would you like a glass of water

and maybe an excuse
to come in and talk to me?

Sounds great.

So, it's tomorrow.

I told you
I'd check back in on that date.

Bill...

I have my reasons.

Am I hideous?

Oh, God, no.

No, you are just
so incredibly not hideous.

Thank you. I think.

See, maybe it's the word "date"
that's throwing me off.

Look, I just want to have some fun,
you know? Dinner, drinks...

No strings attached.

OK, I'll go out with you.

Great. I know this little place
out of the way. You're gonna love it.

What are you doing?

Making an emergency list for you.

So you'll know who to call in case the
roof leaks, or the power goes out...

Why?

I'm taking the plea bargain.

So you can keep the house.

I buried my mother with respect,
and I don't regret a single penny.

But I got us into the position we're in,
and the moment I did,

I stopped respecting you.

- And that's not right.
- You're so brave.

It's not without strings.

I need you to promise
you're gonna be here when I get out.

That's a ridiculous thing to say.
I'm not going anywhere.

And I need you to promise
that you'll be faithful while I'm gone.

Yeah. Of course.

Gabrielle, I'm no fool.

You're a beautiful woman
and I understand you have needs.

But I'm a very jealous
and possessive man.

And I need to hear you say it.

I promise.

OK, then.

Tomorrow morning,
we'll go and see the lawyers.

I love you.

I love you too.

And just so you know,
I'm gonna hold you to that promise.

What's going on? Did Grandma die?

No, she's fine. Listen, Andrew...

Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for
some time now that you've been unhappy.

- All this acting out.
- The pot smoking, the violence...

It just isn't you. And we feel
that you need to spend some quality time

thinking about the goals in your life

and what kind of person you want to be.

What the hell are you talking about?

There's this place
called Camp Hennessey.

It's designed for teenagers
like yourself who've lost their way.

You gotta be kidding.

They emphasise
discipline and responsibility,

two things you're sorely in need of.

You'll only be there a few weeks.

You can stop this now. I'm not going to
a stupid camp for juvenile delinquents.

- We're ready.
- Sorry, honey, you don't have a choice.

- Get your hands off of me.
- Take it easy.

It's no use fighting.

These gentlemen will help you dress
and drive you to the camp.

- We can take it from here.
- Wait.

- Mom, wait. Please, I'm sorry.
- Honey, it's gonna be OK, I promise.

- This was your idea.
- Why, you...

Stop it.

Honey, no matter what you say or do,
I will always love you.

Let's go. Come on.

What's that for?

For being here.

For standing by me through this.

You don't know what it means to me, Rex.

It's been a long time
since I felt like I had a real partner.

And it really helps, especially
on a horrible morning like this.

Hey, Alisa. Hey, Lily. How are you guys?

May I speak to you, please?

Sure. Boys, here.

Stay right there.

Yes, Mom.

- So how are you?
- Dennis left me.

What?

Dennis left me.

Why?

You told him to, you moron.

- I'm sorry?
- You talked about our marriage.

It's none of your business.

I can't understand you.
You're gonna have to talk slower.

Dennis said you yelled at him
for saying stuff behind my back.

Well, yeah.

And he said you told him
our counselling wasn't working.

That's not exactly what I...

Where the hell do you come off
telling people to stop counselling?

- I didn't mean...
- Sure,

we have our share of problems,
financial, emotional, sexual.

But we were solving them.

Alisa, come here.

Are you sure you wanna be saying
these things in front of your daughter?

Now you're telling me
how to raise my daughter?

Lily, we're coming back.

Alisa, I am so sorry
if I caused a problem.

I just wanted to help.

Why? Why did you want to help?

- Well, because...
- Because I was deaf?

No. Because your husband
was being a total jerk.

And you've just gotta come in on your
white horse and come to the rescue.

Well, guess what?
I didn't need to be rescued. Got that?

I didn't need to be rescued.

Bitch.

She said...

Thank you.
I know what she just said.

One minute we're making out
in his truck and next thing I know,

we're at the hospital and the doctor's
digging a bullet out of him.

When I started dating Mike,
he seemed like such a normal guy.

They always do.
You wanna get some nachos?

Obviously,
I am not going to read the letter.

At some point,
you've just gotta let it go, right?

Right.

Mind if we leave off the jalapenos?
I'm not good with spicy things.

I don't mean to babble.
It's complicated.

And there is so much about Mike
you don't even know.

That would surprise me at this point.

Edie.

Your foreman said you were
on a date with a hottie.

Evidently, someone needs Lasik.

- You tracked us down?
- It wasn't hard.

I just followed the stench of betrayal.

- We had an agreement, Susan.
- No, we didn't.

I said what you wanted to hear
because you guilted me into it.

I was trying to protect
our already fragile friendship.

- Am I in the middle of something here?
- Not any more.

You, I will hate forever.

And you are fired.

Edie.

You're firing me
for going out with Susan?

Yes. And before you start whining
that dating her is punishment enough,

save it.

I suppose I could tell her
you threw yourself at me.

You were Ionely, begged to have dinner.
I took pity on you.

Well, excuse me, but that kinda
makes it sound like it was my fault.

You can't possibly blame me.
I'm not the one who fired you.

You just chose not to tell me Edie would
be insanely mad if I went out with you.

- Slow down. You're driving too fast.
- This is between you and Edie.

I just got sucked into the drama.

- Yeah. I bet you say that all the time.
- What does that mean?

You didn't get sucked into the drama.
You invited it in.

That's not true.

You've spent an hour
obsessing over your ex-boyfriend,

even though he's an ex-con who
very possibly strangled your neighbour.

No, he didn't.

And Edie told you not to go out with me,
but did you listen? No.

You saw the potential for disaster
and couldn't resist getting in there.

OK, Mr-let's-just-have-fun-
because-I'm-the-casual-contractor-man,

you chased me, so own it, my friend.

You didn't get that tire fixed,
did you?

I was meaning to.

I guess I do invite the drama in.

Just a little.

Stocks closed up yesterday,
with investor...

Tom, am I a bad person?

No. Why would you say that?

I don't know. I guess
I just have it in my head

that only bad people break up marriages
and offend the handicapped.

- I did try to warn you.
- You did.

Why do I do it?

This compulsion to stick my nose
where it doesn't belong.

Honey, you were just
looking out for your friend.

A lot of good it did her.

At least you tried.
I admire you for that.

Oh, please.

Hey, I'm the guy
who let Dennis bad-mouth his wife

because I was afraid of making a scene.

You knew it was wrong
and you let him have it.

That's me.
I'm never afraid to create a scene.

Honey, my point is, you have
a strong sense of what is right

and you're not afraid to act on it.

And I admire you for that.

You know what I admire you for?

You find a way to compliment me
when you could say, "I told you so."

You just signed "I told you so,"
didn't you?

You'll never prove it.

Thanks for coming in, Mrs Solis.
I believe you've met Nurse Hisel?

Yes. Hello. Again.

Nurse Hisel became quite attached
to your mother-in-law.

That's why I asked her
to be here for this.

First, I want you to understand

that we consider our commitment
to our patients a sacred trust.

OK.

Having said that, it appears
that there may, and I stress may,

have been a breakdown
in our chain of care.

I can assure you we hold our staff to
the highest standards in the industry.

But we are only human after all.

Honey, are you OK?

Nurse Hisel, why don't you step out?

I'm so sorry.

We all share in your grief.

Apparently.

And we're hoping
to alleviate any further pain

your family may suffer by offering
some monetary compensation.

Provided you and your husband waive any
future right to litigation, of course.

Monetary compensation?
You're trying to buy us off?

Let's not get tangled up in legalese.

We like to think of it
as an extension of our caring.

Well, in that case, care away.

Mr Hartley, I have
a hypothetical legal question for you.

I like to play the lottery and I...

Yes, I know what the odds are
but I just love those scratch-offs.

Say I were to win, I don't know,

a million, six hundred thousand dollars.

Would the government be able to take it
like they took everything else?

That's what I thought. The bastards.

So what if we won the lottery
after Carlos went to jail?

Could the government
touch the money then? Hypothetically.

I see.

And we could keep the house.

No, I'm just at the grocery store,
wondering if I should buy a ticket.

Thanks a bunch, Mr Hartley.

So what time should I bring Carlos
to the DA's office tomorrow?

Great.

We all honour heroes
for different reasons.

Sometimes for their daring.

Sometimes for their bravery.

Sometimes for their goodness.

I love you.

But mostly, we honour heroes

because at one point or another,

we all dream of being rescued.

Of course,

if the right hero doesn't come along,

sometimes,
we just have to rescue ourselves.