Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 18 - Children Will Listen - full transcript

Susan's neurotic and obnoxious mother, Sophie Bremmer, pays an unannounced visit after she and her boyfriend, Morty, call it quits. Meanwhile, Gabrielle faces Carlos' wrath after he learns about the hospital settlement and tries to change their prenuptial agreement in order to keep Gabrielle in check while he plans to serve his jail sentence. As a result, Carlos's anger and possessiveness drives Gabrielle back to John. Lynette and Bree experience a chill in their friendship after Bree babysits for Lynette's wild kids and dares to discipline Porter over the knee. Bree and Rex visit Andrew's teen rehab camp and she's shocked their son comes out them about his homosexuality. Zach covers for his father when the police come knocking about the mysterious dead body in the toy chest, while Felicia gets closer to Zach where he reveals to her more disturbing details about his family in the past.

Previously on
Desperate Housewives:

Is anybody here?

There may have been
a breakdown in our care.

You trying to buy us off?

If you're not careful...

There's a place called Camp Hennessy.

I'm not going to any camp
for juvenile delinquents.

You don't have a choice.

...past mistakes...

We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake.

I sold several hundred of these.

I have a list
of customer names on file.

...will come back to haunt you.

I won't tell anyone.
I'll keep your secret, Dad.

There were many things
Gabrielle Solis knew for certain.

She knew red was her colour.

She knew diamonds went with everything.

And she knew men were all the same.

But the one thing Gabrielle knew
above all else,

she would never want children.

Unfortunately for Gabrielle,

her husband Carlos felt differently.

I'm so lucky to have you.

OK, I'll bite.

Why are you so lucky?


I don't want to have kids and you do.

Oh, that.

Most men would leave
over something like that.

And you're still here.

I'm grateful.
I know the sacrifice you're making.

There's still a part of me
that's hoping to change your mind.

Once you had a baby, I think
you would love it so much that...

Honey, it's not gonna happen.

- You never know.
- No, sometimes you do.

Well, it is a sacrifice.

But you're worth it.

Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a
doubt she didn't want to be a mother.

But what she couldn't know was

just how much
her husband wanted to be a father,

or that he'd been tampering
with her birth control for months.

Or that within one week's time,

she'd be pregnant.

Saturdays on Wisteria Lane
belong to the children.

And while most would spend the day
practising their sports,

and riding their bikes,

and jumping their ropes,

others were no longer
engaged in child's play.

Indeed, some children were being forced
to grow up very quickly.

Sorry to bother you.
We have a few questions.

About what?

Twelve years ago, your late wife
purchased a toy chest.

Toy chest?

Yeah, it was about this big,
had little dancing bears on it.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

The craftsman who makes these chests
keeps a list of customers.

you purchased one in August 1992.

We'd like to know
where that chest is now.

Wow, I wish I could help you.

I don't recall any toy chest.

I remember.

It had little bears and balloons on it?

Yes, son, that's right.

We threw it away when I was little.
I was standing on it and it busted.

- Remember, Dad?
- Vaguely.

I guess that's all, then.

Thank you both for your time.

Hey. What's the deal
with this chest, anyway?

One just like you had
washed up on Torch Lake.

- It had a woman in it.
- A woman?

She was all chopped up.

Obviously, we need to talk.

You lied to me.
You said it was a man in the box.

I didn't lie.

The policeman said it was
a woman's body. You were lying.

I told you a detective came
to take you away.

I never said it was a man.

- You didn't?
- No.

- I thought that...
- No.

Stop. Please stop.

I know you're lying to me, OK?
I know that you're lying.

For the last time, someone came
and tried to take you away...

Yes, a woman.

- A woman came.
- Yes, she tried to steal you.

From the only family
that you'd ever really known.

And we couldn't let that happen.
And we didn't.

And that is the truth.

We can't cancel now.
It's two days away.

I'm not going.
That's all there is to it.

Counselling is part of the treatment.

In that brochure
it didn't say we're expected to attend.

What'll Andrew think
if you don't show up?

I'm making him this care package.
He'll know that I'm thinking about him.

Why are you putting in lemon squares?
They said not to send sweets.

I don't understand why.

I guess baked goods from Mom
undercuts the boot-camp experience.

Fine, I won't send them.
But I think it's a stupid rule.

Are you going to this thing or not?

- No
- Why?

Because the minute I get there,
Andrew will start

attacking me for abandoning him.

- And I don't want to hear it.
- There's no reason to feel guilty.

You did everything you could for him.

I don't feel guilty.


Please, Christy.

There's no way I can get another
babysitter this late in the day.

- Parker, knock it off.
- No.

Because I'm having drinks
with friends I used to work with.

They never call
and if I blow them off,

that's it, I'm dead to them.

No, I can't call Patty Binks.

Because she steals things.
Damn it, Christy, you're 13.

You got a lot of trips to the mall
ahead of you.

OK, I'm sorry I raised my voice.
I'm calm.

I'm starting to think
that this is about money.

So what is it that will make it
worth your while?

A hundred. That's extortion.
There's no way in hell that I'm gonna...


Parker, I swear I will spank you.
Knock it off.

Hi, Mrs Binks.
Is Patty there? Thank you.

Hi, honey. I'm back.

Hey, sweetie.

This is Mr Steinberg,
the attorney from the hospital.

- Have we met?
- Yes, Mrs Solis. We've met.

Don't you remember?

It was after Mama died.

Apparently the hospital was negligent

and agreed to
a seven-figure settlement cheque.

A cheque I was never told about.

Oh, that.

- Mr Steinberg...
- I was just leaving.

- What were you thinking?
- Let me explain.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- You wouldn't make the right decision.

The right decision
was to use that for my lawyers,

to fight the indictment
instead of taking the plea bargain.

The government would have
seized the settlement.

- We could have fought that in court.
- You would have blown the money.

Who cares? If there was a chance
I didn't have to go to jail?

You had Laotian convicts sewing
casual wear for two cents an hour.

Don't you think you deserve a time-out?

Eight months. Thanks to you,
I'm going away for eight months.

When you get out, we'll have money
to start over with. Thanks to me.

You know, once you calm down, you're
gonna realise I did the right thing.

And when that happens,
I'd appreciate an apology.

Grandma's here.

Now that is just perfect.

Stay put.

- I am so sorry.
- Hey, Mom.

Hey, Susie.

- I goofed.
- What happened?

You know me.
No depth perception whatsoever.

I'm stunned
they even issued me a licence.

So, you're Susan's mom.


Sophie Bremmer. And you are?

Mike Delfino.

You're Mike? Oh, my God.

Susan's told me so much about you.

Well, don't just stand there.
Give me a hug.

Mom. Mike and I aren't
together anymore.

Sorry. I guess I just made this
pretty awkward, huh?

Yeah, you really did.

So let's just call
the insurance company.


Well... It's nice
meeting you anyway, Mike.

You too. I never would've guessed
you were Susan's mom.

I know. I look too young.

I got pregnant
when I was a tiny teenager.

- OK...
- The first time I got drunk, ever.

- Can you believe it?
- Let's go.

Her father was a marine. Afterwards,
he gave me three of his medals.

- Mom.
- What?

Let's go inside
and call the insurance company.


What are you smiling about?

I used to have all these questions
about how you got to be the way you are.

They were all just answered.


What's going on?

- My babysitter cancelled.
- Lynette, I'm so swamped today.

My house is a mess.
I've got millions of errands to run.

Please hear me out. This is important.

Today, I have a chance to rejoin
the human race for a few hours.

There are actual adults
waiting for me with margaritas.

Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

- If it were any other day.
- Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

- Bring them in.
- Thank you.

OK, in you go.

Then the police showed me his mug shot.

- No.
- Yes.

Mike served time
for selling drugs and manslaughter.

- I can't believe it.
- Well, it's true.

- He has such nice manners.
- I know.

Susie, I don't want you worrying
too much about this Mike thing.

The right man will come along.
Just give it time.

I would have given up entirely
if not for you and Morty.

- Morty?
- Yeah, you know.

It's the third time around for
both of you and you're really clicking.

It gives me hope.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

I'm just... I'm tired.

You're not tired. You took a nap.
What is it?

- I left Morty.
- What? Why?

Because he shoved me.

Morty? No.

You think I'm lying? Fine.

- Why would he shove you?
- I confronted him.

About how much time he's spending
at that damned pancake restaurant.

If that's where he's really been.

You can't be serious. Morty?

You think men his age don't have needs?

You should see the waitresses he hires.

Every year,
they get younger and younger.

Maybe you feel that way because
every year you get older and older.

- That's a horrible thing to say.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm not that old.
- I said I was sorry.

- People think we're sisters.
- That's cos you tell them that.

One time. You've gotta let go of that.

OK, look. I am just saying that
I don't think Morty cheated on you.

Well, he did shove me.

And the least you can do
is be supportive.

You're right.

- He also threw a book at me.
- Come on.

I mean, he shouldn't have done that.

Thank you.

Porter, honey, those cookies are hot.

Wait a few minutes
and I'll give you one, OK?

You know, pictures are prettier
if you colour inside the lines.

Well, art is subjective.

- Porter. What did I tell you?
- But I'm hungry.

Then I will fix you a very nice bowl
of peaches and cottage cheese.

- Barf.
- Don't be common, young man.

Come on. If you play
with those cookies again,

I'm gonna have to spank you.

- We don't get spanked.
- Really?

Mommy always says she's gonna
but she never does.

Well, I am not your mommy.

And if you misbehave in my house,

you will get spanked.

So be good.

- It was an accident.
- Porter, I warned you.

I'll be good.

Those cookies were made from scratch.

Your fate is sealed.

Come here.


What's that?

It's called a post-nuptial agreement.

- It's a legal document...
- I know what a post-nup is.

What is it doing on my coffee table?

I can forgive that stunt you pulled
with the settlement cheque,

if I'm sure you'll really be around
when I get out of jail.

And the post-nup changes
the terms of the pre-nup, so...

So if you try and divorce me
while I'm gone,

you get nothing.

You don't trust me?

- Afraid not.
- Well, that's too bad.

Because I'm not signing
that piece of paper.

You're a very beautiful woman,

But you're not very bright.

If you don't sign it,

I'll pull the plug on
the settlement agreement, divorce you,

and then you get what amounts to
about 50% of our current savings,

which is basically nothing.

So what do you expect to happen
right now, Carlos?

I'll sign the paper
and jump right back into your arms?

It doesn't mean that I don't love you.

You know I think
you're the perfect woman.

But I'm not. I have flaws.


I'll give you an example.

Remember the time when you were in jail

and you told me
about your secret compartment

and you told me to burn
the papers that I found in there?

Well, me being pretty
and therefore stupid,

I forgot.

You didn't burn the papers.

Worse. I read them.

- OK...
- You have a nerve talking about trust

with a secret bank account
in the Cayman Islands.

- That was a safety net for both of us.
- I'll bet.

- Have you told anyone about this?
- No, but I could.

Isn't that why the prosecution
didn't have a case against you?

They couldn't find the profits you made.

So if I were you,
I wouldn't mention the words divorce,

trust, or post-nup ever again.

You don't wanna piss me off.

I know, baby. It hurts to lose.

Ante up.

Well, look at me.

Finally in on one of your legendary
poker parties.

Susan's always telling me
how much fun you have.

The rules are simple. We play for cash,
the dealer picks the game,

and unsubstantiated gossip
is encouraged.

Thanks again for watching my boys.
They weren't too much to handle?

We had a wonderful time. Although
I think Porter had a little less fun.

OK, I'll bet.

So, Sophie, Susan says
you're going to the spa tomorrow.

- Is it an all-day thing?
- What do you mean, he had less fun?

- I'll raise.
- He misbehaved, so I had to punish him.

Yes, Susan is treating me
to an entire day of...

When you say punishment,
what are we talking about?

I had to spank him.

OK, I will re-raise.

You spanked my son?

Las Brisas Spa.
Yup, that's where we're going.

Lynette, is there a problem?

Tom and I don't believe
in hitting our kids.

Sorry, I didn't know.

It won't happen again.

I'm somewhat surprised
you don't spank them.

Everybody knows they're a little bit
out of control.

I am dragging today.
Shall we put on another pot of coffee?

Yeah, I'll do it.

I'll fold.

Yeah, you're right, Bree.
I've got a lot to learn about parenting.

I feel so blessed
to be getting sage advice

from an impeccable mother like you.

Your kids turned out perfect,
if you don't count Andrew.

Where is he, again?

Some kind of a boot camp
for juvenile delinquents?

OK, girls.

I never said I was perfect.

- Nobody's blaming you.
- The hell I'm not.


If you will excuse me.

- Lynette, will you go after her?
- She spanked my son.

I'm not apologising.

Usually, poker is more fun than this.

So help me, if you don't back me up
on this, I will lose it.

Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter.
But it's not like she hurt him.

That is not the point. You don't spank
other people's children.

He was misbehaving.
She had to do something.

But make no mistake,
she definitely crossed the line.

Damn right. She could've tried
something else, like a time-out,

or she could've simply
threatened to spank him.

Yeah, cos that works out
so well when we do it.

It does work.
It does work most of the time.

It used to work. They've figured out
it's an empty threat. They're onto us.

My mom used to beat the hell
out of my sisters and me,

and I won't do it.

I will not become my mother.


But the boys
are getting older and smarter.

And eventually, believe me,

they'll figure out
that they outnumber us and then...

We're screwed.


Excuse me, Zachary. Would you mind
helping me with these bags?

There's some banana bread
in it for you if you do.

Yeah, sure.

This is really good. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome, Zachary.

I've never been
in Mrs Huber's house before.

Obviously you haven't missed much.

This is the place
where good taste goes to die.

So, I heard you and your father
arguing the other day.

- Everything all right at home?
- Yeah.

We just have problems, sometimes.

I bet you miss your mother.

I'm sure things were different
when she was alive.

Such a warm, loving woman.

You knew my mother?

Yup. Years ago, in Utah.
We worked together.

- I didn't know that.
- It's true.

In fact, I'll tell you a secret.

I once met you
when you were a little baby.


Your mother loved you so much, Zachary.

Of all the things I remember,

I remember that the most.

You wanna know what else I remember?

How lovely your original name was.


Isn't this nice?

Just the two of us girls hanging out,

getting pretty.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

So, I was thinking
maybe you should call Morty.

You know, get started
working things out?

Why work things out
with a man who abuses me?

You don't have to gasp.
My mother exaggerates.

She won't be happy till I have bruises.

Can we just focus?
What I want to know is,

have you thought about what's going to
happen if you don't go back to Morty?

What do you mean?

Well, you don't have a place to live,
you don't like to work,

you didn't want to marry Morty
so he doesn't have to pay alimony.

If you don't go back to this man who
allegedly shoved you once in five years,

what are your options?

I thought I could live with you.


Oh, God. Are you all right?

- You kicked me.
- I'm sorry. I was startled.

Here, lean your head back.

I'm not saying permanently,
just a couple of years.

- You broke my nose.
- No, it's just banged a little.

- Till I get back on my feet.
- Can we talk about this later?

- Should we call 911?
- It's just a nosebleed. She's fine.

- I thought you'd be excited.
- It's not that I'm not excited.

I'm not stupid, Susan.

It's obvious you don't want me here.

No, that's not true. Mom, don't go.

Mom, come back.

I need to...

- We're good, right?
- Just go.

Why aren't you dressed yet?

I wanted to wear Andrew's favourite
colour and then I realised that

I don't know what it is.

Honey, I think the fact you decided
to come at all will make him happy.

Yours is blue.

Danielle loves pink.

And I have no idea
what my own son's favourite colour is.

- I'm telling you, it doesn't matter.
- How can you say that?

Of course it matters.

That is a good mother. Someone
who knows their child inside and out

so that if they get in trouble,
they know what to do.

I don't know him well enough.

You are a good mother.

Brown or green? I just don't know.

I'm gonna wait in the car.

Whenever you're ready.


I'll go with the green.
Everybody loves green.

- I told you. I'm not signing this.
- I think you are.

Because if you don't,
I will divorce you.

Then I'll go to the police.

And tell them what?

There's a secret bank account in the
Cayman Islands that no longer exists?

- You moved the money?
- Of course I moved it.

That was risky. I mean,
the Feds are watching you right now.

I had to do something.

I couldn't just let you
make a fool out of me.

- Carlos, stop it. Put me down.
- OK.

Put me down.

Let me go.

Stop. You're hurting me, Carlos.

Sign it.

Sign it.

I know, baby.

It hurts to lose.

Mr and Mrs Van De Kamp?

Yes. Is it our turn?

Well, sort of.
Andrew's waiting inside but...

What's wrong?

He said he won't go forward with
the session if his mother's involved.

He only wants to talk to his dad.

We drove 200 miles to be here today.
This is unacceptable.

Yeah, I share your frustration.

To hell with him, then.
Let's go home.

- No.
- I'm not gonna let him insult you.

He blames me for his being here.
He blames me for everything.

- And he's probably right.
- Any mistakes were made by both of us.

One of us should go talk to him,
see how he is.

I'm OK.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Right this way.


I'm coming. What is it?
Why aren't you brushing your teeth?

- What happened?
- Porter pushed me and it fell in.

- He pushed me first.
- Can I flush it?

No, I'll fish it out later.

You're off the hook tonight
but not you two, so start brushing.

Preston, did you not hear me?
I said start brushing your teeth.

What are you doing?

Don't you dare.

Do it.

Don't listen to them. Back away
from the toilet and no one gets hurt.

Do it.

I mean it this time.
These are not just words.

If you do this, so help me...

Hearing the hollowness of her own voice,

Lynette realised that it was time
to get one step ahead.

I will walk you over
to Mrs Van De Kamp's

and we all know what happens
when she gets mad.


Go brush your teeth.
I want 'em to sparkle. Go on.

Sorry you had to bring your kid back.
What happened this time?

A couple of months back,
I caught Tug going through my purse.

I hate when they do that.

- Was he looking for weed or money?
- Who knows at this point?

Anyway, I'd knocked a couple back
and things got heated.

Pretty soon we're screaming,
throwing stuff round the apartment.

Next thing,
lady upstairs calls the cops.

Gimme a break.

So, now I got some social worker
telling me how to raise my boy.

Kids. Boy, if I knew then
what I know now,

I would've had that hysterectomy
20 years ago.

- Bree...
- Don't get up. I'll be quick.

All any parent can do is provide their
child with the tools to succeed in life.

Education, love,
a good clean, safe home.

I've given you those
and I'm through feeling guilty.

If you wanna piss your life away
and blame it on

how horrible things are at home,
then do.

I want it stated for the record
that I'm a good mother. Do you hear?

I am a good mother.


Andrew just told me
he thinks he might be gay.


That's why he wanted me
to come in first.

He thought I could take it better.

Well, he was right.
I will be waiting in the car.

Mrs Solis. What are you doing here?

- OK.
- Are your roommates here?


- Are you OK?
- Yeah.

- What's this?
- That?

Carlos just got a little rough.
Made me sign some papers.

He hurt you?

- What are you doing?
- I'll take care of this.

- Don't do anything.
- We can't let him get away with it.

If you really wanna
get back at him, then kiss me.

- How's that gonna help?
- Because...

one day when the time is right,

I'm gonna tell him
how he drove me right into your arms.

And that's gonna kill him.

And tonight, whatever you do,
don't call me beautiful.

Morty, look who's here.

Hey, Millie. Hi, Morty.

Susie, what brings you here?

Mom. I brought her over.

What's she doing out there?

She says she won't come in
until you apologise to her.

- For what?
- For shoving her.

I only shoved her
because she wouldn't stop hitting me.

Why was she hitting you?

I threw a book at her.

- Morty.
- It was a paperback.

- Well, even so.
- At least I missed.

She hit me square in the gut.

- Wanna see the bruise?
- That's OK.

- It really hurt.
- Yeah, I understand.


Could you just go out and apologise?

- No.
- Why?

- 'Cause I don't want her back.
- Morty.

Look, I love her, but the Pancake Shack
is just starting to take off.

We're talking about opening another one.
That's practically a chain.

I don't have time for her hysterics.

I sympathise, I really do.

- But you have to take her back.
- Why?

Because she wants to move in with me.

I'd like to have a relationship again,
and at my age, with a kid,

if she moves into my house,
even for a couple of years, I'm doomed.

Wasn't there a plumber? Your mother
said you're in love with a plumber.

I am. I mean, I was.

- It didn't work out.
- I'm sorry.

If she moves in, she will burn up
all my oxygen and I need it.

Please, can't you give her
another chance?

You guys are really good together,
you know?

When there's no violence.

Well, we do have chemistry.


And the sex was like... Wow.

There was this one time,
we were coming home on the interstate...

You don't have to sell me.
Just go talk to her.



That was a mighty big sigh.

I just keep thinking it's coming,
and I can't stop it.

What's that?

The day my mother will need
to move in and I won't have a choice.

I know it's years away.
She's youthful and vibrant, thank God.

But time flies. One day she won't be
able to take care of herself anymore.

- And I'll have to step up.
- I suppose that's true.

I think it's nature's little joke,

that children ultimately
end up parenting their parents.

Well, when that day comes,
I'll be ready.

Honey, you'd better get out there.

Stop it.

What are you doing?

Porter says he can't catch me.


Look, I just wanted to apologise...

Lynette, don't.

The fact that you just crossed
that street means the world to me.

And if anyone here should apologise,
it's me.

Thank you.

Looks like Tom's
got the mob under control.

Wanna have some coffee,
sit around, bitch about our kids?

- I would love to.
- OK.

Children come into the world
with their own agendas.

Some to brighten our days.

Some to test our patience.

Some to give us purpose.

Some to take care of us.

Yes, when they come,

children change everything.

Especially when they're not invited.