Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Ladies Who Lunch - full transcript

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Hi, Maisy.

Are you having an affair with Rex?

Mistresses were confronted.

- What's that?
- I'm on house arrest.

- How are you gonna work?
- I can't.

The tables were turned.

- Good Lord, that's Angela.
- And secrets from the past...

- My wife's name was Mary Alice.
...caught up with everyone.

I'm such an idiot!
You're such a liar. Oh, and a killer.

Even in the most respectable
of neighbourhoods,



you can hear the sound of scandal.

Some scandals
announce themselves with a shout.

Ida? Ida Greenberg,
that is not your paper.

Some with a whisper.

Throw me a 20,
and I'll hook you up with free porn.

- And some with a bang.
- Get the hell off my lawn!

And once in great while, there
comes a scandal so deliciously sordid,

its roar drowns out all other noise.

Does your husband have any idea how
many men pay to sleep in this bed?

There's not a lot of sleeping going on.
Not if I'm doing my job right.

So, how do you wanna get started?

With these.

Well! That's gonna cost you extra.

Maisy Gibbons,
you're under arrest for solicitation.



- What?
- Please place your hands on the bed.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Now.

Hey! Get off me!

This is entrapment.
You all are making a gigantic mistake.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas,
here's one for your memoirs.

Hey!

No! No, don't you touch me!
You get your hands off me!

Take it easy.

Yes, the scandalous arrest
of Maisy Gibbons

would soon prove to be the shot
heard round the world.

Don't you put me in here.

It is often said
that good news travels fast.

But as every housewife knows,
bad news moves quite a bit faster.

Tish? You are not going to believe this.
Maisy Gibbons was arrested.

- You cannot be serious!
- Did you hear about Maisy?

Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs?
I'd have killed to see that!

Stay put. I'll be right back.

Ladies, please calm down.
This is just a precaution.

- If you'll just take a flyer,
- Hey, guys. What's going on?

There's been an outbreak of head lice.

Head lice?

These flyers detail
all the important information,

including
the recommended delousing combs.

Delousing. It sounds so disgusting.

- Anybody know where it started?
- That's confidential.

Barcliff maintains
a strict "no blame" policy.

Guys, over here.

Parents have a right to know
who brought this into our school.

Please calm down, ma'am. There's nothing
to be gained by pointing fingers.

To identify the child who initiated
the outbreak might result in him

or her being subjected to ridicule.

I... Excuse me.

- If you'll just take a flyer...
- Stop scratching.

Stop it. Guys, let's go, OK?

Stop scratching. Stop, stop.

- Hey. See you later.
- Bye.

What the hell?

- Gabrielle!
- What?

- Gabrielle. We got a problem here.
- I can't hear you.

I think we got a problem.
The water's backing up here.

What?

Is that sewage?

Yeah, that's sewage.

So, Mike,
the suspense is killing us.

Just tell us the bad news.

Your outtake pipe's corroded.
That's why it collapsed.

I'll have to re-pipe the whole system.

And how much is this gonna cost?

I'll do the job at cost, but you're
still looking at six, seven grand.

OK, we'll let you know.

Look, if money's an issue...

Oh, no. It's not the money.

Carlos and I are prioritising some
things we need to do around the house.

You don't consider sewage
backing up in the house a priority?

It's definitely on the short list.

I'm surprised you called me.

- Why?
- Well, um, ever since my arrest,

nobody around here seems
to want to have much to do with me.

Innocent until proven guilty, my man.

I hope he's more innocent than you are.

Hey, it's Lynette. I know
you're down about this Mike thing,

but you gotta come to poker.
It'll be worth it.

I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons.

Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish
you'd return my calls.

We need to talk.
I know I messed things...

You OK?

Hi.

- You know I can stay home if you want.
- No, no, no. Now, I know how much

you were looking forward to this weekend
with your dad. I'm fine.

- You don't look fine.
- Well, I'm a little sad.

Mike and I were just a fling.

Not even a full fling.
Sort of a borderline fling.

Mom, anyone can see
how much you loved him.

I also loved junk food
and I gave that up.

There's your father. Go have fun.

Last chance. You sure?

I'm sure. Now, go.

You'll find someone else, Mom.

Someone great.

I know it.

What's wrong? Didn't you enjoy
your golf game with Dr Wallace?

I didn't play.
I'm still feeling sluggish.

Still? Did you talk to him about that?

Of course. He doesn't know
why the medication isn't working.

Tish is making the rounds.
She must have some juicy anecdote.

Get her over here.
I could use a funny story today.

Tish! Tish!

I can tell you've got something good.
Now come on, don't be selfish.

Well, first off, you're not friends
with Maisy Gibbons, are you?

- No.
- Thank God, because this is too good.

Maisy was arrested.

While Harold was at work, she was
having sex in her house for money.

Can you imagine?

No. I can't.

And word is, she had a little black book
with all her clients' names.

So... you think that'll get out?

Of course!

Nancy, Wait up.
I can't wait to tell you this.

Well, you heard your funny story, Rex.

Why aren't you laughing?

I'll get it.

- Ah-ah-ah.
- Hello? Hi, Tammy. Yeah...

- Can we see one of the bugs?
- Yeah, here. See?

It's this little white thing.
Look, it looks like a sesame seed.

- That's cool.
- Lots more where that came from.

No, I'm so sorry.
He must be so disappointed.

We'll get all the boys together
once Topher's back on his feet.

- Bye.
- What'd Tammy want?

She's cancelling Topher's party
He's got measles.

Measles, huh?

Yeah.

What?

Tammy spent a fortune
on Topher's party.

She'd call in specialists from
Switzerland before she'd cancel it.

Why would Tammy lie to us?

She saw Porter scratching his head
at school. Now word's getting around.

Why is everything a conspiracy theory?
Kids get lice. It's not a big deal.

It is for the rich B-l-T-C-H-es
at Barcliff Academy.

It's been one day and
they've been disinvited to a party.

If rumours start flying, these boys can
kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye.

Uh-oh.

Yeah. Not so cool now, huh?

It's all here. Appraisal,
title search, escrow documents.

Sorry about changing my mind but
it's not a good time to sell the house.

Zach wants to finish high school
before moving.

It's part of the business.
I expect to get screwed over.

Now, where is your house key?

I must have left it at home.
I'll bring it by tonight.

Zach's away and I'm going
to Mount Pleasant on business today.

- Just drop it by tomorrow.
- Or I could just keep it.

What?

It's a joke. I know your wife's dead
but it's been six months. Lighten up.

- Hello!
- Felicia.

Oh. Hi, Felicia.

Edie, I found this in my sister's
things. It has your name on it.

My necklace! Oh, you know,
I lent this to Martha three months ago.

And she said
that it went down the drain.

I miss how we used to steal things
from one another.

So, Felicia, I heard they have
a suspect in your sister's murder.

- Mike Delfino?
- He didn't kill her.

They found her jewellery in his garage.

- His fingerprints weren't on any of it.
- Just means he wore gloves.

So, he's smart enough to use gloves,

but he leaves her blood-spattered
jewellery lying around

for anyone to find? Please. Is that
what you'd do if you killed someone?

I don't know what goes through
the mind of a murderer.

I'm just saying
I wouldn't trust him if I were you.

Edie, that is lovely.

- Is it an antique?
- Yeah. I think so.

I know a store you would love.
It specialises in antique jewellery.

It's in Salt Lake City.
Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?

No. I try to steer clear of Utah.
It's a little too conservative for me.

Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?

No.

It's lovely. I used to live there
when I was a nurse.

You should definitely go some time.

Bye.

With no indoor plumbing,

Gabrielle was now forced to improvise
when it came to her personal hygiene,

wherever and whenever
she had the opportunity.

- Sorry.
- That's OK.

I was just about to give
a Maisy Gibbons update.

Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves
for revelling in that woman's misery.

That being said, Edie, please continue.

I hear from a very reliable source

that Maisy's gonna cut a deal
with the prosecution.

Apparently,
she has some high-profile johns

and the DA's looking for a second term.

I don't get it.
I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.

Obviously someone
who's not getting it at home.

So, the upshot is Maisy is going to
turn over her little black book

with all of her clients' names.

Really?

Can you imagine
the fallout when this goes public?

Blood on the walls.

- I'm all in.
- I'll call.

Bree?

- What just happened?
- The stakes were raised.

Yes. Yes, they were.

I fold.

You were lucky today.

Luck had nothing to do with it.
I was bluffing the entire time.

Really? Wow. You're good.

That's the only nice thing
I can say about my first husband.

- He taught me how to bluff.
- He played poker?

No. He was lousy in bed.
I had to fake a lot of orgasms.

- You don't have to respond.
- Thank you.

So, where was Susan today?

I'm not sure.

Wow. Tom must be great in bed.

Obviously,
you have no idea how to bluff.

OK, she's going through something and
I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private.

She's upset with Mike, isn't she?

Well, come on.
I'm gonna find out sooner or later.

She's devastated about the break-up
and she hasn't left the house in days.

Well, why didn't you just tell me that?

It's personal. It's the kind of thing
she would only tell her friends.

I'm Susan's friend.

Well, I don't hate her.

If you want me to share stuff with you,
be more supportive of Susan.

OK. How?

What do friends do? They call.
They're sympathetic.

They ask about the pain the other person
is going through and then they listen.

What if you want to be supportive,

but you just can't stand
listening to people bitch?

Then it's good to know how to bluff.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.

I know, it's very exciting.

Thank you.

You know, I really think
you do deserve this award...

God, I have to go to the bathroom again.

- Go to Bree's.
- I've been to Bree's.

- Then go to Susan's.
- I hate Susan's.

She has all these weird scented candles.
It reeks of apricot.

Hose.

How about Lynette's?

No. I don't want
to go to anybody's house anymore.

I'm tired of making up excuses
as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing.

- Why yell at me?
- It's your fault.

My fault?

If you hadn't gotten indicted,
we would have pipes now.

I got indicted making money to keep you
happy. You're a little materialistic.

Me? When the Johnson's
bought their new seven series

you were the one who went and
traded in his car for something better.

Who ended up driving it?

I don't have time to fight right now.
I have laundry to do.

- Nurse Abigail?
- Mrs Scavo, right? The twins' mother?

Yeah. I just wanted to tell you
that the boys are now lice-free.

Good to hear.

I just can't figure out
how it happened.

They get a bath every night. Trust me.
It's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day.

I believe you.

I keep thinking maybe it was the
petting zoo I took them to last week.

- That Ilama was really iffy.
- Mrs Scavo, it doesn't work that way.

Lice spreads from human to human.
The cleanest kid in the world can get it

if he gets too close to the wrong kid.

- Really?
- Yes.

- So don't be so hard on yourself.
- I guess.

Still, I can't help but feel guilty.

After all, my kids
started an entire lice outbreak.

Look, your...
your kids didn't start it.

They didn't?

No. I know for a fact that
Patient Zero was another little boy.

This is his fourth time
with this particular problem.

Oh.

That's a load off my mind.

Well, thank you.

- So which kid is it?
- I can't tell you.

You know we have a "no blame" policy.

We have to protect the children.

Of course.

No, I don't.
You're gonna have to give me a name.

- Mrs Scavo...
- Here's the thing.

Acting like parents won't assign blame

is like pretending they don't keep score
at Pee Wee League.

If you don't give the mob
someone to blame,

they'll pick a scapegoat.
I can't let my boys be the scapegoat.

- Don't put me in this position.
- I'm begging you.

They've been uninvited from a party.
A really big birthday party,

with a bouncy house,
a hotdog stand, a clown.

I wish I could help you.

There's gonna be a magician!

Tammy Brennan went all out.

Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?

Yes.

Well, isn't that interesting?
Have a seat.

Meanwhile,
at the Fairview County Prison,

Maisy Gibbons was delighted
to find out she had a visitor.

But she was soon reminded,
one should always beware of visitors

bearing gift baskets.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Hello, Maisy.

Stuff like this is why I love you.

So, what brings you here?

I need a favour.

I thought as much.

I heard that there's a little black book
with the name of your clients in it.

There is.

I was wondering if, perhaps, you could
remove Rex's name from that little book?

Wow. That's a big favour.
Those muffins better be really good.

I have some money that
I've been putting aside for emergencies.

It can be all yours, if you just...

Keep my mouth shut?

Continue to be discreet.

Gosh, I don't know.

I don't think it's asking that much.

All you need to do
is remove one little name.

But if I do it for you, then I have
to do it for all the other wives.

That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?

Maisy, please.
I mean, we used to be good friends.

Where were you when Harold
lost his job a year ago, huh?

Did you ask if there
was anything you could do?

Did you bring
a basket of baked goods

when you knew
we couldn't even pay our bills?

If you did, those displays of friendship
seemed to have slipped my mind.

Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were
having financial troubles because...

- I thought it would embarrass you.
- I would've been embarrassed.

But it would have been
a whole lot better than the silence.

I have $14,000 in that account.
It can all be yours.

I'm not interested.

But you do get credit for one thing.

You came to visit me.
Even if it was for an ulterior motive.

None of the girls from the club
bothered. I've been abandoned.

Guess that's what happens
when you become the town whore.

Sweetie, they didn't abandon you
because you're a whore.

They abandoned you because
you weren't all that nice to begin with.

- Who is it?
- It's Edie.

Edie, not now. I'm busy.

- Hi.
- Or just come on in.

What are you doing?

I decided that
my life is way too complicated.

And so I'm simplifying.
I am getting rid of the clutter.

Ooh.

I was on vacation.
It made sense at the time.

OK, not to be rude,
but is there a reason you're here?

I feel badly about
what you're going through with Mike.

- Don't worry, I'm not gonna date him.
- It doesn't matter anymore.

Well, don't get me wrong. I still have
every intention of sleeping with him.

Some mountains
are just meant to be climbed.

I gotta learn to keep my doors locked.

How long have you been sitting here?

I don't know. Five minutes,
give or take three hours?

That's it. Get up. Get dressed.

- Why?
- You're coming with me.

It's time to get wasted.
Happy Hour started 45 minutes ago.

Why would I go anywhere with you?

That's what normal women do
when they get depressed.

They put on short skirts,
they go to bars,

have one too many and make out with
a man in the back of a dark alley.

Wow.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I swear. Come on.

- Come on!
- Why do you even care?

I never said I cared.

It's just...

Well, I guess I know what it's like
to have your heart stomped on.

OK. All right. Gimme a minute.
I'll go change my clothes.

And don't forget to do something
with that skanky hair.

You're a little scary looking.

Ah! What about him?

Not my type.

The pickin's are slim, but isn't
there someone here you're attracted to?

I hate 'em all.
Look at 'em just leering at us.

They're so cocky.
They know they have the upper hand.

We have the upper hand.
Without us, they have nothing.

Maybe 15 years ago. Not anymore.
Now we're just Ionely and desperate.

And they know it. And they
just sit there, ready to pounce,

waiting for us to take any crumb
they're willing to throw our way.

I don't want crumbs. I want Mike.

Hi. Um, I'm gonna be
spending the whole night with her,

so I'm gonna be needing
a lot more of these.

I'm sorry. It's just so hard
to find a guy like Mike.

I know in my heart
he didn't kill Mrs Huber.

OK. Let's say Mike's a peach.
And he didn't kill Martha. Who did?

I don't know.

Obviously, a bad guy. Somebody
really awful. Somebody like...

somebody like Paul Young.

Paul?

- Are you serious?
- He's hiding something.

He clams up every time
we try to ask him about Mary Alice.

And then when we found out about Dana...

Who's Dana?

Paul and Mary Alice
had a baby that died.

You're kidding.

- Zach killed her.
- Holy crap. Who told you that?

Paul. He said it was an accident

but I think that's why
Mary Alice was being blackmailed.

- Mary Alice was being blackmailed?
- Yeah.

The girls and I
found a threatening note in her stuff.

What kind of street do we live on?

I don't know.

Come to think of it, the other day,
Paul was talking to Felicia

and he was working overtime
trying to make Mike sound guilty.

See? Shifting blame onto someone else.
Classic criminal behaviour.

He's up to no good.

Zach and Paul are out of town.

We should sneak into their house
and snoop. I have the key.

- Oh, my God. Yes, we should do that.
- I was just kidding.

This is our chance.
We should go in for ten minutes.

That's breaking and entering.

Martha Huber was your best friend.

If we could find out who killed her,
wouldn't that be worth the risk?

- Have a nice evening.
- Thank you.

Serena, hi. How are you?

- I talked to Dr Wallace today.
- Oh?

Still no idea
why the medication's not working.

He said he's thinking of more tests.

I said I'm thinking
about getting a second opinion.

Rex, this might sound silly,
but are people staring at us?

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect
that Maisy Gibbons' client list

has been released.

You think they're laughing at us?

No, I think they're laughing at you.
I think they feel sorry for me,

- which is just as mortifying.
- What are we gonna do?

We're gonna act like
nothing is happening.

And when we've finished eating,

we'll walk out of here with
all the dignity that we can muster.

Please. Let's go now.

I refuse to give them this kind
of satisfaction. Open your menu.

Everybody's staring.
Bree, it's humiliating.

Should've thought of that before
you gave Maisy a personal cheque.

All right. You stay here. I'm leaving.

Rex! If you walk out of this restaurant,
I will scream.

- Bree...
- I will scream about your cruelty,

I will scream about your infidelity.
And to make sure it really hurts,

I will scream about
your distasteful sexual habits.

You want to know what true humiliation
is, you just take one step.

So, what are you having?
The veal looks good.

What are we looking for?
An embroidered pillow that says

"I Killed Martha Huber"?

I don't know.
Just something... suspicious.

Mmm. Smells expensive.

- Do you believe in evil, Edie?
- Of course. I work in real estate.

I'm serious. There's something about
this house that's so cold and creepy.

You couldn't tell
when Mary Alice was alive.

She just brought so much
warmth and light.

Now there's something...

I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?

The only thing I can sense
is that you've had too much to drink.

Something happened in this house,
so awful we can't even imagine it.

- Ow! Sonofabitch!
- Are you OK?

I just stubbed my toe.

- Oh, my God! Angela.
- Huh?

Mary Alice used to call herself Angela.

What?

It was on a tape Bree stole
from her therapist's office.

It's a long story.
We gotta pop this in.

- What was that?
- I think it's Paul.

- You said he was gonna be gone.
- Well, I guess I was wrong.

- Hurry!
- I gotta get the tape.

Hide!

Paul.

Edie! God, you scared me.

I'm sorry.

I see that you made it back
from Mount Pleasant.

Yes.
What... what are you doing here?

I came by to bring you your key.
I was just about to leave you a note.

You're returning my key
at 11.30 at night?

What the hell is going on here?

You're right.
We're too old to be playing games.

What?

My note was gonna tell you that I...
I wasn't kidding this afternoon.

I really would like to keep a key
to your place.

To use if the mood strikes me.

You've been drinking.

Just enough to get up the courage
to tell you how I feel about you.

OK, well, obviously
you're uncomfortable about this.

So, I'm really sorry
if I embarrassed you. Here's your key.

- I'll see you around.
- Edie. Um, I'm not embarrassed.

- Huh?
- If anything, I'm flattered.

Susan.

Susan, talk to me.

Mike, I'm a little drunk
and a little freaked out.

You haven't returned my messages.

We're broken up.
I thought I made that pretty clear.

- Can't we work this out?
- You lied to me.

When did I lie to you?

The police showed me your rap sheet.
You killed a man.

- You believe I'm a killer?
- No. Of course not.

But I didn't believe
Karl would cheat on me.

I didn't believe
Mary Alice would kill herself.

Mike, blind faith is not my friend.

I was gonna tell you.
There wasn't a right moment.

Now that's a lie.
There were plenty of right moments.

When we went for pizza,
you could've said,

"By the way, I once killed a man".

Or when you said, "Let's jog",
you could've said,

"By the way, I killed a man".

At the movies,
when the hero shot the bad guy,

you could've said
"By the way, I did that once".

You didn't.

Do you want to hear what happened?

It doesn't matter. I will never
believe anything you say again.

Well, at the very least
you can believe that.

- Occupied!
- Carlos, I have to go.

You'll have to wait.

It's my port-a-potty.

- What do you mean it's yours?
- I'm the one who stole it.

Babe, I'm sorry.
You're just gonna have to wait.

Thank you so much, Bree. Seeing your
tile has helped me make my decision.

Next time I remodel,
I am using limestone.

Gabrielle, is everything OK?

Sure. Why?

Well, it's just that
you've been acting kinda odd lately.

In what way?

You keep coming up with excuses
to use everyone's bathroom.

And then two days ago Mr Cawley
looked into your back yard

and saw you and Carlos
doing your laundry in the Jacuzzi.

Well, there's a simple explanation
for that. I...

Are you and Carlos
having some sort of money trouble?

- Gaby, it's OK if you are.
- Is that so?

Yes. And I'm a little insulted.

I am a good friend. Why would you feel
like you have to hide that from me?

Probably for the same reason you didn't
tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients.

That is obviously different.

Why? Because it happened to you?

Bree, this is how I see it:

Good friends support each other
after they've been humiliated.

Great friends pretend
nothing happened in the first place.

Well, then, good luck on your remodel.

And please tell Rex I said hello.

- Hey, Tammy.
- Lynette!

I see Topher's made a speedy recovery.

- Can we go play?
- Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun.

Let's go play in the bounce house.

All right, you caught me. I lied.

But you have some nerve crashing a six
year old's birthday party.

Just so you know, I got Topher
a set of bongo drums.

You'll love them
as much as he will.

Charlie, come out. I don't
want you playing with the Scavo boys.

Mona, please! I'm sure they're clean.

You are not ruining my party.

Porter. Preston. OK, out, out, out.
Come on. Porter. Preston. Let's go.

Not quite yet.
Boys, keep bouncing.

That's right, keep bouncing.

By the way, I spoke to Nurse Abigail.
I know who Patient Zero is.

All right, that's it, kids. Get out.

Out, out, out! Go! Go!

How could you do that?

Look, this party
meant everything to Topher.

I couldn't risk people not showing up.
I had to do something.

And so you let
my kids take the fall?

People were already suspicious.

- Oh, please.
- Yeah, it's true.

Your boys
aren't the cleanest kids on the planet.

- That was not a smart thing to say.
- Where are you going?

I'm going to tell the truth
to every mother out there.

And then I'm gonna take back the bongos.

No, wait! OK, all right.
Look, I was wrong. I admit it.

- I'm really sorry.
- Too little, too late.

OK. I'II... I'll tell everyone
that I was wrong.

That your kids aren't the ones.

Please. I'm begging you.

Well, why are you standing there?
Get to it.

- Bree, hi.
- Hi.

What's up?

Well, I've been doing some thinking.

Rex and I have been members
of the Fairview Country Club for years

and lately it seems
to have lost some of its exclusivity.

And so, I've decided
not to renew our membership.

I'd rather see the money
go to someone I care about.

Bree, I can't take that.

Gaby, this is the way I see it.

Good friends offer to help in a crisis.

Great friends
don't take no for an answer.

We're gonna pay you back every cent.
I promise.

Take your time.

Yes, everyone loves a scandal,

no matter how big or small.

After all,
what could be more entertaining

than watching the downfall
of the high and mighty?

What could be more amusing

than the public exposure
of hypocritical sinners?

Yes, everyone loves a scandal.

And if for some reason
you're not enjoying the latest one...

well, the next one

is always around the corner.