Young Sheldon (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency - full transcript

I'm very much a
creature of habit.

Perhaps it's a trait I
got from my father.

Every night, he would
go through the mail,

and every night, like clockwork,

he would get very cranky.

Damn bills.

George!

You'd think he'd get used to it.

But night after night, it
upset him all over again.

Jury duty?

- Son of a...
- George!

It was complicated.

I didn't like seeing him upset.

But what can you
do? I love consistency.

IRS?

- This can't be good.
- Sure it can.

When is the IRS ever good?

Perhaps they're writing
to congratulate me

on filing such a
beautiful tax return.

What's it say?

Okay, not so bad.

We owe $4.22.

- What?
- That could have been worse.

- Tell me about it.
- Let me see that.

I'm gonna wash up for dinner.

You realize they're wrong?
My return was flawless.

It's $4, forget it.

But they're saying
I made a mistake.

You also got us a nice refund.

You did a great job.

I appreciated my mother's love.

But what a boy really craves

is the unconditional approval
of a government agency.

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.

Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?

No one.

Then why did he say it?

Well, in the real version,
he said a bad word.

But they had to
change it for TV.

TV is so lame.

What did he really say?

That's so much better.

This movie works
on a lot of levels.

Dad, I reviewed the tax
return, and I was right.

They're the ones
who made the mistake.

What are you doing?

Writing a check to the IRS.

But we don't owe them anything.

They're claiming that I
underreported our income,

but I can prove
that they're wrong.

It's not worth picking a fight
with them over a few bucks.

Just let me call them.
I can sort this out.

Just drop it.

We don't want to
get on their radar.

But if you send that check,

it's like admitting I made
a mistake when I didn't.

Sheldon, sometimes being
right isn't the most important thing.

I'm glad you feel that way,
because, boy, are you wrong.

We're done talking about this.

And there he goes. Wrong again.

I'll have the rib
eye, medium rare.

And for you?

Uh, just the house
salad, please.

Very good.

The house salad?

- You're watching your figure?
- I have a physical tomorrow.

Oh. So your plan is to
start eating healthy now?

Can't hurt.

It ain't going to undo 70
years of red meat and beer.

Not trying to undo it, I'm just
trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Son of a Mitch.

Melissa Cooper!

What? I said "Mitch." There's
nothing wrong with that.

But you meant another word.

I'm sorry. What other word?

Just watch it.

Hold on. So you're saying if I have
a friend whose dad's name is Mitch,

I'm not allowed
to talk about him?

I know what you're doing.

Okay. I just feel
bad for my friend.

- That poor son of a Mitch.
- Melissa Cooper!

- How's that salad?
- It sucks.

How's your steak?

You know how they overcook it
sometimes so it's a little bit dry?

- Uh-huh.
- Not this time. It's so good.

You know what else is good?

This radish.

- Would you like some steak?
- Yes.

Then you probably should've
ordered some. It's delicious.

You are not a very nice lady.

Psst! Hey, kid.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

The envelope with the IRS check.

What do you want?

You can't let him send me.

You didn't make a mistake.

I know that. But it's too late.

It's not. The check
isn't due for 30 days.

So?

Just go in the kitchen
and take me off the pile.

Buy yourself some time
to straighten this out.

But tampering with the
mail is a federal offense.

I'm not mail yet.

I'm not in the mailbox.

That's the law.

What if my dad
notices you're missing?

Do it after he leaves for work.

He'll never know.

That's brilliant.

I'm not real, so
technically, you thought of it.

That makes more sense.

The next morning,

I patiently waited for my
father to leave for work.

Are you leaving for work?

- Yeah.
- See ya, bye.

Goodbye.

I leapt into action. My
heart was pounding.

I don't know what kind of bladder
control professional spies have,

but this first-timer
needed to pee, pronto.

Now that I had prevented my
dad from saying I made a mistake...

it was time to get the
IRS to admit theirs.

IRS. Agent Green speaking.

Hello. My name
is Sheldon Cooper.

Forgive me for cutting
right to the chase,

but I'm outside, and
my skin is incredibly fair.

Okay. How can I help you?

You sent my family a bill saying
we owe an additional $4.22,

but you're mistaken. I
filed a flawless return.

I'm sorry. How old are you?

That seems
irrelevant, but I'm 11.

You're parents let an 11-year-old
file their federal tax return?

This year. Two years ago,
they let a 9-year-old do it.

Look, these tax
codes are complicated.

If you only made a $4
mistake, that's pretty impressive.

I didn't make a
mistake at all. You did.

Is that so?

Yes, but don't feel bad.

These tax codes are complicated.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, I've got your
file right here and...

Looks like you
underreported your income.

Actually, if you check
under "charitable donations,"

you'll notice that the money
we made at the garage sale

did not count as taxable income
because we donated it to the church.

Well, I'll have
a look into that.

In the future, you might consider
doing that before you send out the letter.

So how does this work?
Do you apologize now?

Do I get it in writing?

It's no big deal.

It's a colonoscopy.

- So?
- So one of those words means "colon"

and the other means
shoving a camera up it.

Mmm, I'm surprised you need one.

Did you tell him
about the salad?

It's not funny.

Stop being such a baby.

Something I have pushed
out of my body. You can do this.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Why don't we do it together?

What? No.

Come on, it'll be romantic.

You're weird.

What the hell?

Why are we getting audited?

What? Are you sure it
doesn't say "applauded"?

Perhaps for a job well done?

We're being audited for the
last three years of our tax returns.

I don't get it. I mailed in
that check a week ago.

- About that... I can explain.
- Sheldon?

I just needed some time to prove
there were no errors in my work.

What did you do?

- I took the check before Mom mailed it.
- What?

But I called the IRS
and sorted things out.

Clearly, you didn't.

I told you to let it go.

I'm sorry.

This could end up
costing us a fortune.

- I can fix it.
- No!

I'm gonna hire an accountant
and have him handle it right.

- But I want to help.
- You've helped enough.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

Oh!

I feel bad beating you like
this after you bought me drinks.

Okay, I tell you what.

- You want to make it more interesting?
- Sure.

How about this? If I win, you
get a colonoscopy with me.

God, are you still on this?

Come on. Why not?

- Because I don't want to.
- I don't want to, either,

but my doctor said I've got to.

Well, my doctor
didn't say nothing.

When's the last
time you saw him?

I don't know. It's been a while.

Yeah, well, like six months
a while? Watergate a while?

- Drop it!
- The last time you saw him,

were they using leeches?

I'm about to take this pool cue
and beat your doctor to the punch.

That long, huh?

Look, all I'm saying is
you could use a checkup.

- I feel fine.
- Okay.

At your age, nothing
wrong with going in...

I'm not going to the doctor,
so just mind your own business.

Why didn't you eat with us?

I'm not hungry, and
Dad's mad at me.

Mom's not thrilled
with me, either.

Why?

Mom made chicken and I
said "Chickens cluck a lot,

so they should
be called cluckers.

And some chickens are
moms, so you could call them..."

I don't care.

Mom sure did.

What did you do wrong?

I got Dad in
trouble with the IRS.

He has to hire an accountant,
which could cost us a lot of money.

Dang, makes me
not want to have kids.

Hello.

Hey. Well, you missed it.

Some old broad went nuts over there
and threw her pool cue on the tables.

It was crazy.

Sorry.

You're not a fan
of doctors, huh?

They never have good news.

They just want to
find something wrong.

It's kind of their job.

If something's wrong with me,
I don't want to know about it.

- That's dumb.
- No, it's not.

If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather
do it quick and leave looking good.

I want to live so long, I
start looking like a mummy.

You're off to a good start.

Hey.

My husband went to the
doctor and they found something.

Two days later,
he was in surgery.

Nine months later, he was dead.

Jeez.

I don't want that.

And I don't want to put
anybody else through that.

I'm sorry.

I hope you stick around long enough
to start looking like a mummy, too.

I always pictured myself more
the Bride of Frankenstein type.

Well, you got the hair for it.

So how's it look?

Do I owe a lot of money? I
don't have a lot of money.

Mmm-hmm. I can see that.

Who did these?

Why?

Is it that bad?

They're impeccable.

Actually, it was my son.

Well, why don't you just
use him for the audit?

He's 11.

An 11-year-old did these?

Actually, he might have
been nine at the time.

I'm not good with birthdays.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Playing with your trains?

I'm punishing myself by looking at
them but not allowing myself to run them.

You don't have
to punish yourself.

Because you'd
rather do it? That's fair.

No.

It's okay. I deserve it.

Actually, I want you to
represent us at the audit.

But I messed everything up.

You did.

But I also know if anyone's smart
enough to get us out of this, you are.

Why'd you change your mind?

No reason.

- What did the accountant say?
- Nothing.

They said my returns
were perfect, didn't they?

Play with your trains.

Why are you reading the Bible?

I felt bad about last night, so I
thought it might be good for me.

Where are you going with this?

Nowhere. I just want
to make you happy.

Mmm-hmm.

"And the man increased exceedingly
and had much cattle, and maid servants,

and men servants, and
camels, and asses..."

Okay, stop.

- What? I'm just reading from Genesis?
- Well, cut it out.

Fine. Let's try Exodus.

"And on the seventh
day, thou shalt rest,

that thine ox and
thine ass may rest."

That is it. You are grounded.

- For reading the Bible?
- The way you are doing it?

- Yes. Go to your room.
- Okay.

I don't have a donkey.

But if I did, I'd take
my ass out of here.

Hello. I'm George Cooper,
this is my son, Sheldon.

Yes, we spoke on the phone.

You look exactly like you
sound. Not everybody does.

- Should we get started?
- Yes.

I realize some people may find

the ins and outs of
tax law a little tedious.

So allow me to
spice this story up.

Instead of an audit,

imagine this is a showdown
between two warriors

in the most brutal and
exciting form of combat there is.

Chess.

Am I the only one
who just got chills?

Let's start with
business deductions

from Schedule A on
the tax return dated 1989.

I know. Bold opening move.

Don't worry. I came to play.

Happy to. I've got
those receipts right here.

Dated, highlighted,
and itemized.

Told you.

For the next three
hours, we battled it out.

Two mighty brains locked
in mortal tax-code combat.

Justify this expense.

Our AGI was less than $50,000.

Improper classification.

Rolled over from the
previous fiscal year.

The receipt has
barbecue sauce on it.

- Dad?
- Sorry.

So you are remarkably
well-versed in the tax code.

Thank you.

It's nice of you to do your
parents' returns for free every year.

Oh, I don't do it for free.

My dad buys me a
model train afterwards.

Interesting.

So you accept payment even though
you're not a licensed tax professional?

In clear violation
of federal law.

Check.

I had walked
right into his trap.

Excuse me. I need
to use the restroom.

So, catch that
Cowboys game last...

- No.
- Yeah.

- Ballard's.
- Hello.

Hey, what's up?

You'll be happy to know I
went out and got a checkup.

Fantastic.

Great. Just great. Now
you can shut up about it.

Well, how'd it go?

Good news, bad news.

Uh-oh.

Good news is I'm fine.

Well, now, isn't that
comforting to know?

Don't be smug.

So what's the bad news?

- He wants me to have a colonoscopy.
- Great.

Oh, my gosh, we
can do it together!

Can't you just feel the romance?

No, you weirdo.

There you are. Hey,
we're waiting on you.

I want to go home.

What are you talking
about? We're not done yet.

Yes, we are.

I made a mistake that's gonna cost
us a lot of money that we don't have.

I feel so stupid.

Hey.

It's okay to feel stupid.

No, it's not.

It just means you're growing.

If you don't look back
and think you were dumb,

then you haven't
learned anything.

- So what do we do?
- We get back in there.

- What if we lose?
- Doesn't matter.

Win or lose, we don't give up.

All right? Now, let's get in there
and show 'em what we're made of.

What do you say?

I've heard you give that exact
same pep talk at football games.

Well, I didn't have a
special one prepared.

That's all right. I
feel properly pepped.

So, where were we?

Check.

It's true.

I made a mistake, but my
dad taught me that's okay.

Wait.

My dad's a teacher.

Which means my doing
our taxes wasn't work for hire,

but an economics lesson
he was teaching me.

Therefore, the train he bought me
wasn't payment for unlicensed work.

It was a reward for successfully
completing my lesson.

So it does not
violate the statute.

And since the value of the
train is less than $10,000,

there's no additional gift tax.

Checkmate.

Well, I guess that wraps it up.

What, is it over? What happened?

- We won.
- Wait, we don't owe anything?

No, your returns
were all in order.

- Well done.
- Thank you.

- Your son's extremely intelligent.
- Yep.

I hope you audit us next year so I
can run circles around you again.

Till he says something
stupid. Let's go.

Ugh!

I can't believe we have to
drink so much of that garbage.

Phew! The important thing is
we get to do it together, dear.

You are so full of crap.

Well, not for much
longer. Excuse me.

- The festivities have begun.
- You taking that whole thing with you?

I'm gonna be a while.